Ring Shopping

Well obviously it's not an engagement ring, seeing as we're already married and all. But remember in one of my previous posts I mentioned ring shopping to help wean me off my cuff and collar?

Well today I started looking into it a bit more. Come to find out that I should not get a ring with a pearl in it. I was reading up on them and apparently the pearl is easily damaged and there is quite a bit you have to do to keep it safe. So that option doesn't work out because I want to be able to wear it all the time. Obviously, if the pearl is easily damaged, that isn't going to work. So I decided I would look more into the Alexandrite rings.

Now maybe I just have sticker shock easily or something, but I called around to a few local jewelry store to try and start pricing them. The cheapest one I found locally was over $400. I realize that isn't a lot when you're talking about quality jewelry, I understand that.But damn. I spent that on both of our wedding rings. Both.

So that's a bit high to me. However, if I do end up going locally cause I can't find one online that is cheaper and of the same quality, I can at least put it on a layaway payment plan. That may be better than trying to afford the ring all at one time.

Good Girl

I have apparently been a very good girl lately. Master has been allowing me to just kind of curl up on His lap and rest my head against His shoulder while He sits in His recliner. It's very relaxing and I love it when He lets me do that.

Tonight He surprised me with some pampering! Yay! I love pampering! We had just gotten done watching some Netflix and I knew it was time for me to start on my nightly routine, which includes my shower.

As I was about to get up to head off to the shower Master told me to get undressed and that He would be in to start the water shortly. I paused and had this moment of... "What?" cause I didn't really realize what He meant at first. Apparently He noticed that because He said, "I'm going to go in the shower with you."

This sudden look of "Oooohhhh...." probably painted itself on my face because He chuckled a little bit. So I go into the bathroom and Master turns on the water to where He wants it. He got in first and had me step in after Him.

I had forgotten to grab my body wash so instead He allowed me to use His. So now I smell like Him with His manly body wash. *grins*

He washed me down and rinsed me off. Then He had me lean my head back and He washed my hair. (I had my own shampoo in there at least...)

I love it when He washes my hair, when He brushes my hair, runs His fingers through my hair, pull on it... You know. Basically anything having to do with Him doing something with my hair. Love it! When He washes it or brushes it it just makes me putty in His hands. It's wonderful!

Once I smelled pretty and was clean Master hopped out of the shower so I could shave. Oh! That reminds me!

Master had me grow in my landing strip for a while. I was all proud of myself and what not because I didn't fuck it up once! It was straight and it remained straight! Well, last night as I was about to head off to take my bath Master told me to go ahead and go clean shaven once more.

I personally prefer clean shaven. In my mind it's easier than trying to have a landing strip. I'll tell you what though, even though it had only been a couple of months it looked kind of weird not having that landing strip there anymore.

So I'm a clean shaven, manly smelling, good girl right now. And I'm happy.

Soothing

Today has been one hell of a work day. It was so beyond the normal sliding scale of what the fuck that it's not even funny.

Needless to say I was pretty worn out before the day was even half way over. All I could think about towards the end of the day was how I just wanted to be at home with Master. I just wanted to be near Him. As a result of this line of thinking I became more and more docile. By the time I got out of work all I wanted to do was go home, get comfortable and be close to Him. So as soon as I walked in the door I asked Master if I could put on a top. I wanted to be comfy and warm. He allowed it, which I was grateful for.

I ended up kneeling at His feet a couple of times already tonight. I'm just in total docile mode. Don't get me wrong I'm still joking around with Him and having a good time, but my mind set is stuck in submissive mode. It's not a bad thing. In fact after a really shitty day like today was, I find it extremely soothing. I don't have to think. I just have to do what Master tells me to do and do what I can to be close to Him.

Even though today was long as hell I did ask Master if I could stay up a bit. I just want a little bit more time with Him tonight, because I'm greedy. I know I just got four days off with Him but tonight is just one of those nights where I need just a little bit more than normal on a work night.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

30 Days of Truth - Day 7

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Well this is an obvious one. Master, my loving Husband.

I can't imagine what my life would be like without Him. We met when I was 20, I'm now a few months shy of being 29. He has been there for 90% of my adult life. He is my partner in everything. He is my best friend, someone I can just hang out with and joke around. He is a critical part of my support system. If I didn't have Him to come home to every night, I think I would be absolutely lost.

If it wasn't for Him I probably wouldn't have sought help for my bipolar disorder. Or if I did, it would have taken a lot longer.

He is my mate, my lover, my everything. He gives me what I need and He doesn't judge me. He is the one and only person who knows that deepest, darkest parts of me and yet He loves me still. You can't beat that. There is nothing better in this world than to have someone committed to you who knows You inside and out.

Milestones and Changes

Well, after speaking with Master more and more about this subject we have both agreed that once my work anniversary date goes by, which is in March, that I will be looking for a new job. We have decided that it would be best to wait until my work anniversary because then all of my personal and vacation time gets renewed and I'll be able to take off work for an interview if I have to without taking a hit on the paycheck. Also, this gives me time to start slowly but surely building up my professional work attire. My current job, while it is professional white collar office work has an extremely relaxed dress code. Extremely relaxed as in we can wear jeans and t-shirts. I know that probably doesn't make a long of sense but no one ever comes into our office. It's just employees.

However, because of the deadline soon approaching of my starting to look for new work Master and I had to talk about something else last night, which we have discussed in the past.

I know I have posted about it in the past, but I forget how long ago the post was done. So, I'll just go into it all again.

Master and I both agreed that for me to go where I want to go with a career it would be a better idea for me not to wear my collar and cuff to work. This sucks, but I know it's the right choice. We both agreed on this and feel that it is the best route to take.

We had previously talked about getting me a matching necklace and bracelet set. That way it would be similar to having a collar and cuff on. However, while we were talking about it again last night I thought that a ring would be better. Why a ring?

Well, the only times I take my wedding ring off is when I am washing the dishes (the thought of it going down the drain scares the hell out of me) or if I need to take it off to put lotion on my hands and the lotion has to get under the ring as well. Other than that, the ring is on. Master also wears His wedding ring at all times as well as the ring I gave Him shortly after I proposed to Him.

Rings, to me, are just things that never come off. I haven't worn rings for the sake of wearing a ring since I was a teenager. I'm not a girl who is big on jewelry, so if I don't wear it all the time I just kind of don't understand why I should have it.

With a necklace and bracelet, just to make sure they don't break, I would need to take them on and off, on and off. That's not the point of something to "replace" my collar and cuff. My collar and cuff never come off, so I want to wear something that I won't have to take off.

Master agreed that the ring made a lot more sense. He has a necklace of one of my birthstones. I say one of, because there are different birthstones for one month. For instance, my birthday is in March. My birthstones are Aquamarine and Bloodstone. Master has the blood stone pendant on His necklace.

Master was born in June, which has three different birthstones. They are Pearl, Moonstone and Alexandrite.

I would personally prefer having a ring that has a Pearl or a Moonstone. I did some searching last night and I don't have a lot of money to spend on it. After all our wedding rings weren't expensive either; not for a wedding set anyway. However, I came across this beautiful ring that has a Black Pearl in it. Oh. My. Gods.

It's gorgeous. And while it is His birthstone, it's a different take on it. It's not just a white pearl sitting there. It has more character in my opinion.

I showed the ring to Master as well and He loved it. It does have some small diamonds in it. I don't really care for diamonds but as long as they are only accent pieces I think they can look very pretty. I don't like yellow gold either, so that's another thing I have to get past. I may not get the exact ring I was looking at last night. But I'm going to try and find it again tonight and bookmark the page.

Master feels that the sooner I get it, the easier it will be to wean me off the collar and cuff. Like maybe I'll put the ring on and wear both my collar and cuff for a while. Then take the cuff off and wear just the ring and collar, and eventually drop the collar as well.

Master states that we'll just semi-retire them so that if I need them (like if I'm having a really rough day and I'm home) or He wants me to wear them out we can just throw them on and be good to go.

The other thing that it's doing to stand for, and the logical reason we'll tell other people regarding it, is that it'll be an anniversary ring. In March we'll be hitting five years of marriage and nine years together. A lot of people find the five year mark of marriage is a big deal. So the ring would make perfect sense. It also helps that it's His birthstone.

So there we go. Milestones and changes.. all good things.

30 Days of Truth - Day 6

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

Oh Gods. There is an endless list of things I hope I never have to do. Most of them are absolute worst case scenarios from hell. Wow. This is somewhat of a depressing question to be honest with you.

*think think think*

Hm. I'm not really sure how to answer this. I know somethings that I hope I never have to do will eventually happen. You know, such things surrounding loves ones passing away. So I can't really post about that.

Well, here is one that I hope to never have to deal with that I actually never think about. However, it is a logical answer in my mind.

I hope I never have to go through a divorce.

In my eyes the only justifiable reasons for a divorce is if one person breaks one of the vows. Falling out of love is one of those since you vow to love and cherish your spouse.

I honestly never see this happening with Master and myself. And I'm not one to "plan for the end just in case" type people. If you plan for it, it will happen.

Bubble

Today I am in my own little bubble. I'm refusing to realize that I only have one day left of my four day weekend. Nope. It's far, far away. So there.

Don't get me wrong, the time has gone by at a nice slow rate. I feel more relaxed than I have in quite some time. Good times with my family on Thursday. Errands and relaxation with Master yesterday. Today has been only relaxing. No errands at all. We were going to do grocery shopping but it has been a really gray and drizzly day.

It is just one of those days where we both woke up and decided we didn't want to do a damn thing but chill out with one another. It's been really nice. No worries. I'm not allowing any stress to get to me today.

None. I'm just enjoying my day and that's it. I'm blocking anything else out. I think I've earned that.

Master was kind enough to work on my lower back last night. It felt really good and He even got my tailbone to crack a few times. I know that might sound gross, but my bones seem to like cracking or moving around on me. Weird huh?

My left shoulder is the worst, quite honestly. Oh the joys of fibromyalgia and car accidents! Yay! (I would like to note that I've never been in an accident while I was driving and the only one I've been in with Master driving wasn't His fault. It was mechanical failure.)

Even though I'm relaxed though, sometimes the rain will make my fibromyalgia act up and today is one of those days. I'm relaxed, I'm having a good day, but my shoulders and lower back do not like me at all today.

I can't really think of anything else and I feel like I'm rambling as it is. So I think I'll cut this right here and go back to mindless relaxation.

30 Days of Truth - Day 5

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope to own our own home. I don't want to rent forever. I really, really do not. One of my main goals in my adult life is to buy a condo or a townhouse. I know most people say that they want to own a house. I really don't. It's way too much upkeep. That's what condo association dues are for.... yard work and all that shit. I hated that stuff as a kid and I know that as we get older the winters are going to play more and more hell on our joints. Master and I both have chronic pain so it's going to be more painful as we get older, so I'd rather pay someone to do that. Basically, it just seems more convenient to me and makes more sense to me to buy a condo rather than an entire house.

I want a condo with two bedrooms and at least one and a half bath. Three bedrooms would be ideal, just for extra space and in case people want to crash here; but I have a feeling that probably won't happen. But if I'm going to own a home then I'm going to love the damn place. When I'm renting that's one thing. I look at it as temporary since we are renting. Paying a mortgage payment, to me, makes it a more serious choice to make.

Unwind

Yesterday Master had to stay home as He was really not feeling well and had barely gotten any sleep. So I went to my mother's house by myself. I wasn't mad or anything. He couldn't help the way He was feeling. I did enjoy myself though. I hung out with my brother for a little bit and my nephews. Then my mother and I ended up going shopping. Not for anything big, just some odds and ends at Walgreens. It's kind of how my mother and I relax and hang out together. We go shopping. Not for clothes or anything, just basic bumming around type shopping. I had dinner with them and talked a while. But as it started getting darker my mom kind of shooed me out the door. It wasn't that she didn't want me to stay longer, she just gets nervous about me driving at night. It's not that she doubts my driving, she just knew that it was a holiday that involves drinking and it was getting late. She just wanted me to get home safely. So once I did get home I sent her a text. (I always do that. My mother is paranoid in a loving and caring way.)

She had sent me home with food for Master. She put some turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and biscuits into some containers for Him. Once Master was feeling better He had some and enjoyed it. For the rest of the night Master and I just talked and I bounced back and forth between the computer and watching TV with Him.

He let me sleep in today, which was really nice. We ran some errands shortly after He was out of His shower. Since then it has been a very relaxing and calm Friday. I talked to my mother for a while and watched Netflix with Master. Other than that there isn't a lot going on, and I'm enjoying that fact.

30 Days of Truth - Day 4

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

There are quite a few people I should forgive. But I'm normally a bitch who holds one hell of a grudge. And there are certain people I can never and will never forgive. There are some things, in my opinion that you shouldn't forgive someone for. But since the topic is something you have to forgive someone for... I'll just choose one I feel I have to.

That person is my father and there are many things I have to forgive him for.

I have to forgive him for making my mother cry so many times and scaring her to the point that she had my brother and I go in the basement to watch TV while she turned out all the other lights off in the house so she could hide until he calmed down. My father had one fuck of a temper when he was younger. He has calmed down so much as he's gotten older that it's like he's not even the same person.

I have to forgive him for acting like none of it happened.

I have to forgive him for cheating on my mother for a year before telling her he wanted a divorce. I have to forgive him for acting like their 25 year relationship didn't mean anything. I have to forgive him for hurting my mother so bad that she didn't think she would ever be able to function again.

I have to forgive him for not taking care of my mother after she had surgery. That was up to his mother, my brother, and myself.

I have to forgive him for always putting his cars over giving us family trips. He never took us anywhere unless it was beneficial to his cars. We never had family vacations. He would spend money on taking an eight hour trip one way to buy a windshield but he said we never had money to just go have fun on a real vacation.

I have to forgive him that after he left my mother he decided to sell every single fucking car that he put above us going on a family trip for fun.

I have to forgive him for never wanting to act like my father and only wanting to be my friend. I have to forgive him for acting uncomfortable whenever I went to him with a serious issue. I have to forgive him that when I told him that I am bipolar he acted like it was nothing of significance.

I have to forgive him for making a pattern out of leaving women but cheating on them first. He did it to my mother for the woman he ended up being with for 10 years. He cheated on her for 6 months before telling her to get out of his house. He is now with said woman. Somehow I think, that even at the age of 50, he will repeat this pattern again.

I have to forgive him for not being a good role model. I used to think he was so cool; mind you this was before I really pieced everything together. But as I got older I realized how I didn't want to be like him. I didn't want to be that fucked up when I get to his age.

Why do I have to forgive him for all of this? Because he's my father and I love him. I understand that he has put us through hell and back. I know that he loves me, even though he doesn't always show it. He loves seeing me. He is still my father. He is calmer now. I honestly don't think he could tap into that former self if he tried.

I know that a lot of people wonder why he is still a part of my life. But when I go to visit him I protect myself emotionally these days by treating him like a friend. I don't act like he's my dad. And when I do that, when I treat him just like a friend, I actually enjoy my time. I'm not spending time with my dad, I'm just hanging out with one of my buddies. I don't see him as often anymore, although it doesn't so much have to do with everything I wrote out above, it has to do more with the fact that I hate his current girlfriend.

So there we go... my forgiveness.

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself for not seeking help sooner regarding my bipolar disorder. Granted I didn't know that I was bipolar. But I should have recognized something was up sooner than I did. But because I didn't know I was bipolar and I didn't even know the symptoms of it, I don't really know how I could have known. This is why I have to forgive myself.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was a teenager, but that is worlds apart from bipolar disorder, in my opinion.

So, that's what I have forgiven myself for.

Early Start

Today started off like any other work day. I got up, I got ready, took the dog out and then waited for the carpool to show up. They got here, I hopped in the car and off we went. I didn't have a lot to do today as I had caught up and then some as soon as I knew about the changes that were going into effect next week.

As a result I was trying to stretch out my work load. When I came back from lunch there was an e-mail from the business manager stating that we could all leave at 3:30pm if we wanted to, in order to get a head start on the four day holiday weekend! Of course everyone else in the carpool agreed that we would leave at 3:30pm. Well, since I had been stretching out my work I now had to make sure I was caught up. Surprisingly it wasn't that difficult. I even got a head start on some of Monday's work load. Awesome.

I let Master know that I was getting out of work early and He seemed pleased by it. Since I've gotten home Master has pretty much just allowed me to relax. We had dinner, He worked on my shoulders and I've been bouncing back and forth between watching the show Master has on and being online.

Since I got home early the night is going by slowly, which I'm enjoying. Tomorrow we are going to my mother's for Thanksgiving. My family never really makes a big deal out of it. We just  get together, eat and talk. That's about it.

Other than being able to kick off my four day weekend a few hours early, there isn't a lot going on. All I know is that I don't have to think about work for the next four days. I can just relax, unwind and enjoy the company of my Master and my family.

30 Days of Truth - Day 2

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

I love the fact that I am obsessed with body modification. I know that's an odd thing to love about yourself, but I do. I know that some people who get a tattoo as soon as they hit 18 end up regretting some of the tattoos they get over the years. But not me. I love every single tattoo I have. All eleven of them. I think that on some level it makes me a more interesting person.

I find that it's a way to express myself. My tattoos don't tell a story but they do reflect on me and who I am. I love that my body seems to be geared to enjoying the tattoo process. Hell, Master will even tell you that I get turned on by it. Not like the tattoo artist does anything for me or anything. It's the adrenaline rush and all the endorphins being released.

As soon as I get home from getting a tattoo I'm on this endorphin high that makes me want to do nothing but get Master hard and get fucked.

And it's not just tattoos or the body modifications I get myself. It's other peoples too. I like to try and figure out why someone got a certain tattoo or piercing and see what it reflects about them, if anything.

So yeah, that's one thing I love about myself.

Head Desk

Today started like any other work day. I showed up, I clocked in, I did my thing. I went to lunch and when I got back there was an e-mail from my supervisor stating that we were having a meeting at 2pm. Joy.

Normally department meetings seem rather pointless and just a general overview of shit I already know with maybe some very minor changes. But not today. Oh no, not this meeting.

I can't get into a lot of detail about what I do exactly. Let's just say that it deals with extremely confidential information and there is a lot riding on it. So needless to say when things change you better fucking pay attention. With the smaller changes it's no big deal. I just make some notes, create a sticky note to post on my monitor and then once I'm used to the new smaller process I take it down. Easy as pie.

The meeting today, however, was about a major fucking change. Major as in holy fucking hell this is going to take forever to get used to. And of course the change is to the main thing I do day in and day out. And guess what? The change goes into effect next week and there is no way for me to try and get used to it before hand. There is no "Oh well I have some time to dip my toes in and slowly get used to it."

No I have to dive in head first. Once the change happens it goes into effect immediately.

I can't even play with the change until it actually goes into effect due to how our system is being updated. Needless to say I had a headache by the time the hour long meeting was over. Oh, get this. I asked a lot of questions. My supervisor only had the answer to maybe half of them. The rest was "I don't know." or "We'll have to cross that bridge when we get there."

I don't like doing that. I like having everything laid out so that I have something to reference if I get stuck. I don't want to have to go ask three different people and possibly get three different answers. I want to know now. This is my job after all. I still need to keep up with my case load and that's going to be difficult enough with this major change, let alone having to stop and hunt people down when I reach something we didn't have an answer to during the meeting. Oh, and not only do I have to stay on top of my case load... When this change goes into effect whatever wasn't already completed by the start date I have to then go back and update to the new way of doing things. So things I've been working on for the past two months, if they aren't completed by the middle of next week, I'll have to go over again and change everything. This means going over all the information I already had and possibly having to get new info so it is up to the new standards. Some things I'm working on currently have been in the works for, I shit you not, five months. And now I get to dig through all that and match it up to the new bullshit.

Fuck. Me. Running.

Needless to say the next month or so is going to be hectic while all this shit settles into place. Fun for me!

30 Days of Truth - Day 1

I was over reading Vixen when I saw that she had borrowed an idea from Impy. It's called 30 Days of Truth. I thought it was a really interesting idea, so I decided I would play along as well! I know that Master will not allow them to be my daily blog posts, so I figured I could just add them to the beginning or end of the post or maybe just do them separately. Either way.

There doesn't seem to be any time limit or anything, so I'll start it off today.

Here are the days:

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02: Something you love about yourself.
Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion- Or what do you think of politics-
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do-
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life- If so, when and why-
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now-
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do-
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

So.. Day 1:  Something you hate about yourself.

I hate that I feel the need to double to triple check things sometimes. I really, really do hate that about myself. It drives me up a wall.

It's not everything. I don't have to double or triple check every little thing I do. But I have a good example. It's when I leave for work in the morning. I'll be all ready to walk out the door when I find myself triple checking things even though I'm 99% sure I did it.

I'll be damn near to the door and then I think to myself, "Okay did I shut the fridge?" I'll walk over there and push on it to make sure it's shut. I walk to the door again and find myself quickly walking back to push on it again. I then find myself shaking my head and getting irritated. It's shut damnit!

Then I'll make sure the computer chair is pushed all the way up to the computer desk. We do this so the dog can't try and climb up into it or use it to reach things on the shelf of the desk, things of that nature. So I'll double check that. Again, annoying as hell.

Finally it comes time to walk out the fucking door. I'll stand there, with the door shut and turn my key to lock the top lock. I lock the bottom lock by turning it before I shut the door. I can see myself turning the damn key. I hear it lock. But as I walk to the outside door I find myself second guessing myself. Did I really lock it? So I'll walk back to the door and jiggle the door handle. Yep. It's locked alright. I walk away again. There have been times where I have gotten out the outside door to just walk right back in to check the lock once more.

It's frustrating and I don't know why I do it. But it's an every work day occurrence. When Master and I are leaving together I don't think about it. We are both doing our thing and normally Master will lock the door while I stand there. I feel no need to double check things when that happens. I only feel the need to when I'm leaving by myself. Yes, I know I'm weird.

Okay, so Day 1 down! Yay me!

A Day Of

This has been a day of blah. A day of I don't give a fuck. And a day of whatever.

I had no motivation today whatsoever. The gray sky didn't really help. Especially since my coworkers wanted the damn shades open for no reason. Yes, please, lets open all the shades so we can have nothing but gray skies to look at. I'd rather have the shades closed. The day went by slowly. It figures that since it's only a three day work week that it would go by slowly.

I just want to find the damn fast forward button and get the work week over with. It doesn't help that neither Master or myself have been in the greatest moods today. It is just one of those things.

I don't really know what to write about besides that today sucked. I mean, my mind is in kind of a funk right now. I'm not depressed or anything. I just feel like I'm in a funk. I'm just blah today. I'm definitely not in a happy go lucky place right now. I'm in more of a I don't give a fuck type place.

I'm not talking about a "don't get a fuck" head set where I just give up on everything and go curl up in a ball in the darkest corner I can find. I mean a "don't give a fuck" as in I'm just going to do what I have to do and be done with it for the day.

Tomorrow might be the same, or it could be better. The weather change isn't helping. I had a headache for most of the morning and early afternoon. I don't think that did anything positive for my mood either. So yeah. I'm not really sure how to describe my mindset at the moment.... it's unusual.

Porn Night

I had recently ordered and received some porn DVDs. They are ones that Master and I used to own that we both enjoyed. Over the years our porn collection has gone up and down. Right now, it's on a down swing. We don't watch it as often as we used to, etc. But last night we were both sitting around trying to figure out something to do. Well, those two "new" DVDs were just sitting there and so I suggested that we watch one of them. Sometimes we watch porn as foreplay, other times we just sit there, watch and comment on and off while joking around. That may sound somewhat odd, but it's what we do. So Master popped one of them in and we sat and relaxed. Master sat in His recliner while I sat on the couch. One of the things we comment on in porn is how the people look, what they are doing, how ridiculous some things seem to be; things of that nature. We made it through one whole DVD and then we decided to put in the other one. About half way into the 2nd I asked Master if He wanted to go fool around. Even though we make fun of porn sometimes and all that, it is normally still a turn on.

So He shut it off and off to the bedroom we went. He molested my tits for a good long time. I absolutely love the way He does it. My nipples are extremely sensitive normally and the piercings enhance that sensation. He'll dance His tongue across my nipple and move the piercings around. It feels wonderful. Last night He also would bite them and slide His teeth along the skin. He lifted my tits up, one at a time, and bit the underside, where the breast meets the rest of my skin. It felt incredible. Sometimes I'm too sensitive for that, or just not in the right mind set for it, but last night everything either of us did seemed to be perfect for each other's moods and mind sets.

He then had me slide up on the bed a bit so He could use that talented tongue on my pussy. I came in almost no time flat. I was sensitive to the point that just Him breathing on my clit caused me to flinch. He sat up and grabbed my hair, forcing me to blow Him. Once His cock was in my mouth though He let me take over and do what I wanted. I alternated between teasing just the head of His cock to having my lips all the way at the base of His cock. Thankfully I was able to control my gag reflex and deep throat Him on and off.

He then put me on all fours and we both talked dirty on and off.He allowed me to cum many times. He had me put my head on the mattress, with my ass in the air. While I was in that position I would creep my arm underneath me so I could play with His balls as He fucked me. After a few more orgasms He had me lay on my stomach. He hooked His feet under my legs and pinned my wrists down with His hands. Normally in this position two things happen. 1) I am not allowed to cum. 2) I am to lay still.

Well I didn't cum, but He did allow me to buck His hips. He calls this "milking" Him. I know He really enjoys it but like I said normally in that position I am not allowed to move. So, I took a risk even attempting it. I knew that if He wanted me to stop He would tell me. However, it pleased Him and He even commented on it. "So My sex toy comes with a milking action now?"

He said it with a dark chuckle that made me buck even more. When He came I bucked more slowly but with more force, which felt like it heightened His pleasure.

When He rolled off of me and laid down next to me I was shaking a little bit because it had been so intense. He had me clean Him off, He scented me, and then we just laid there next to one another before deciding it was time to go back out to the living room.

I was still flying from it afterward, although I did hit a bit of sub drop. I haven't experienced that in a long time, so it caught me off guard. Thankfully it wasn't too severe.

What The Hell

I need to stop sleeping like this. I really, really do. It's actually starting to piss me off. Thursday night Master and I were having a good time just relaxing and watching TV. Well, later into the night I ended up feeling very ill. Master ended up giving me permission to use the bathroom when I needed to. Not to be utterly disgusting, but I'm glad He did. I was up and down about every 20 minutes until about 2am at which point I was finally able to fall asleep. Friday morning rolls around and my alarm wakes me. I had turned off my cell phone during the night and when I booted it up it told me that I had a text message from 3am. It was the driver of the carpool I'm in to get to and from work. It said something along the lines of: "I may go to work tomorrow, I'm still trying to figure out things with my grandfather." It then went on to say that she would let us know. (There is one other person in the carpool besides me.)

So rather than having a slow but sure wake up process, I was fully up and waiting for an update text. I get ready for work and I take the dog out. I wait a while and then send the driver a text. She doesn't respond. So I call the other person in our carpool to see if he had heard anything. He said no but was sure that she would let us know whether or not she was going. I told him that I didn't want to wait until like 7:20am to leave if she couldn't take us because we'd be late to work.

Well, while I'm on the phone with him the driver calls. So I click over. Apparently her grandfather had a stroke Thursday night and she had fallen asleep around 6am, forgetting to update us. She said she couldn't make it. I fully understood that. Family emergencies take a lot of you and it's family.. not much else needs to be said.

So I wake up Master just enough to tell Him that I have to take the car to work. I then go pick up the guy in the carpool, I put some gas in the car and we headed out to work. I'm actually amazed that we still made it to work on time.

The work day itself was slow as hell. Finally it's time to clock out. I drop the guy off and then come home. We ate dinner and relaxed for a while. Around 10pm I start to feel the lack of sleep hitting me. I ask Master if I can take a nap. He said yes and that He would wake me up around 11:45pm. Okay cool.

Well, I have this vauge memory of Him trying to wake me up. But I don't remember what all was said, what time it was, or anything. It's kind of foggy. All I do know is that I didn't wake up until 8:30am this morning.

That's just fucking ridiculous. I know that I shut down like that because I had been sick and had not gotten a lot of sleep but seriously?! I wanted more time with Master last night, but my body decided to shut down on me. This happened last weekend too. I'm bound and determined to stay up tonight!

I know that Master isn't mad at me. I know He wants me to be healthy and figures that if I shut down like that it's because I need to. And I understand that, but it's frustrating for me. I normally don't shut down for that long. I mean when I'm asleep I'm pretty much dead to the world but this is taking it to the next level.

Hopefully my body has it all out of it's system now and will allow me to enjoy the rest of my weekend, while being awake.

VBA

Well, it appears that I have won the Versatile Bloggers Award thanks to Serene, Master Dream's Precious Treasure and Vixen. There may be others that have mentioned me; and if you have, thank you.

Apparently there are rules to this award. (There's always a catch you know.. lol) So what are the rules?

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass this award along to 15 blogs you enjoy reading.

Well, number one is taken care of right off the bat. Awesome.

So onto the seven things about me portion.

1. I am obsessed with body modification, although there are certain forms of that art that I would never do in a million years.
2. I'm a nerd. I get excited about any kind of new piece of technology that ends up in my paws.
3. I've been blogging for almost five years now.
4. My favorite genre of movies is Horror. My favorite series is Hellraiser.
5. No matter how hot or cold it is outside I prefer having at least a sheet over me when I'm sleeping.
6. My favorite color keeps bouncing between blue and red. 
7. I'm short as hell. I'm 5ft1.

In regards to the 15 blogs.. it seems this award has gone viral.. *laughs* I'll just say that everyone listed in my "Blogs I Read" list wins this award. :-)

Shiny!!!!

Okay, so that gadget I was telling you about? Well.. kind, sorta but not really told you about. Anyway...

I'm on my mother's cell phone plan because it's just cheaper for everyone involved. So anyway, about six months ago my mom needed a new cell phone. It was time for my phone upgrade so I let her use my upgrade in the agreement that when her's came up I could use it. Well at the time I didn't realize how far away that was; but even if I had I would have let her use it. I love my mom and she needed it and I didn't at the time. No big deal.

Well about three months after that my cell phone decided it was going to start shutting itself off at random. Figures. I "flashed" the battery a few times but it kept happening. So at about that time I went into the cell phone store and they said I couldn't renew until November but they could send my phone out for repairs at the half the cost of the phone. Fuck that noise. I wasn't going to pay to fix a phone I would only have for three more months.

Well I realized yesterday that I could finally upgrade my phone! Yay! Well, I had received my holiday bonus from my job (they hand it out early so people can buy Christmas presents and what not) and we hadn't been counting on that money. I knew that the phone I wanted wasn't exactly on the cheap side and I already have money counted for presents and what not and we're find on that. So I was hemming and hawing over whether or not I should use this "free money" to get myself a phone upgrade.

I talked to Master about it and He gave me the same argument my mother had. They both know this about me and it drives both of them absolutely bonkers. The argument they had with me regarding this is that I almost never spend money on myself unless it's for stuff I need. So they were both "pushing" me to do this. But this is tech after all and honestly it doesn't take much to make me drool over a new gadget. So I decided that I would go ahead and do it.

My mother had to be there so that I could go ahead and use her upgrade for my phone. So I drove down to my home town as soon as I got home from work and went ahead and did the change over. My new cell is a lot different from my old one but so far I'm loving it. I've been playing with it since I got home. It's awesome! I also got it a nice little holster thing so that it keeps the phone safer than it would be on it's own. I can't stand having a cell phone without a holster. It makes me worry that it'll scratch up against something in my purse or something stupid like that.

But Master had me stop playing with the phone so that I could do my blog post, eat dinner and take my bath.

So yeah, I know damn well both Master and my mom are glad I went ahead and treated myself. My mom even said, "You deserve this," when I headed out. I thought that was really sweet of her.

Love & Slavery

Well, today my mind is in one of those states where I'm fixated on a particular something that doesn't even really mean anything. I'll go into it tomorrow. Tonight though I need to do a more thought provoking post. My brain is numb from work and I need to kick start it. So, as I sometimes do when I can't think of a post, I wandered on over to Submissive Journal Prompts to look for a topic. The one I decided on I think I've babbled on about before, but it caught my eye.

Is love a part of your dynamic? Can love coexist in a Master/slave relationship?

It most certainly is a part of our dynamic. If I didn't love Him I wouldn't trust Him to do everything He does. This includes telling me what to do, controlling me, physically dominate me, etc. Basically any portion of our marriage that may even remotely be a part of the dynamic itself I couldn't handle if I didn't love Him.

Hell, I wouldn't have even agreed to this lifestyle if we didn't love each other. It's not a one way street to me. It's not something where I could love Him but He doesn't have to love me back for this to work type thing. No way in hell. It has to be both of us loving one another.

Now the kinky sex thing from the very beginning of our relationship, that to me wasn't connected to the whole love aspect. I mean, I did love Him back then, but it's not really what concerns me in this lifestyle. It's the absolute utter trust that, in my eyes, has to exist for our dynamic to not only work but to be healthy as well.

I do want to put a disclaimer on this post though. This is what works for me. It's not how I think all dynamics should work. So put the pitch forks down. *smirks*

This is my first and only relationship that has the Master/slave dynamic. I have no idea how it would work without loving one another. I know there are couples that do, or they just hook up to play.. whatever. It doesn't matter to me as long as they are doing what they want to do and aren't hurting one else. It's all good.

But I can't picture it in my mind. You can bet your bottom dollar that if Master and I for whatever fucked up reason fell out of love with one another the dynamic would have crumbled long before such was admitted. I cannot and will not submit to someone that I don't love. And by love I mean the romantic love; not just "Hey I love you dude!" type friend stuff.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know how to disconnect one from the other.

Not Enough

Well, as I'm sure you know from my last post this weekend was all sorts of fucked up. If I wasn't at work I was running errands. If I wasn't running errands I was sleeping. It feels like I barely got any time with Master at all. And that sucks big time. Yesterday felt more like a Saturday and when my alarm went off this morning I wondered in my sleepy fog why the hell I had set the alarm, only to realize that it was Monday. But I'm trying to look on the bright side. I have a four day weekend next week, which is awesome. Yes, we have to do some family stuff on Thanksgiving itself, but it's only one stop this year and it's with part of the family that we both like. Bonus there.

It feels like I got cheated out of time with Master this past weekend though. I don't think He feels the same. I know He understands. He also knows that when I sleep that much it's because I'm either worn the hell out, I haven't been sleeping well lately or that I don't feel good at all.

So like I said, He understands and I know He doesn't hold it against me or anything like that. But it still blows.

I'm thankful that I get every night at home with Him, but it's not the same as a day or two of uninterrupted Master and Kitten time, ya know?

Today while I was at work I just kept thinking to myself how I would love to be at home, cuddling with Master on the couch, watching movies and just enjoying the lazy day with Him. It just felt like one of those nice cuddle time days. The kind where it's not freezing cold out, but there is a bit of crispness in the air.

Sleepy Head

I have no idea why I've been so tired lately. Friday I went to bed around 1am. That's not abnormal on a Friday. Hell, sometimes it's not until 3am. But since I had to get up early on Saturday I had to keep my bedtime reasonable.

I went into work on Saturday. I got there a little after 7am. Thankfully I only had to stay until 11:30am. Once I got home I just kind of relaxed on the couch, talking to Master. Eventually, while we were watching a movie, I told Master I was tired and asked if I could take a short nap. He said yes and that He would wake me up in two hours. So off to the bedroom I went. When Master did wake me up it was by rolling me onto my stomach, lifting up the hoodie I had on and proceeded to use me. Hell of a good wake up call.

After that we went into the living room. We watched some TV and Master allowed me to skip my post. I just didn't have a lot on my mind. What was weird about last night though was that sometimes I'll take a nap so that I can stay up later at night with Master.

He has been having a lot of insomnia problems lately. So I wanted to stay up late with Him. Hell, on Saturdays I normally stay up till somewhere between 3am and 4am, simply because I can. But nope. Not last night. Last night I was exhausted at my usual bedtime of 11pm. I have no idea why. I mean I had taken a two hour nap for crying out loud.

So what time did I get up today? Noon. That's right, I got 13 hours of sleep. I don't remember waking up once. I have no idea why I slept that long. Master had allowed me to sleep, figuring I must need it if I'm passed out like that.

Now I have to go to bed at a half way decent time since I have to go to work tomorrow. It doesn't feel like a Sunday though, since I went to work yesterday. *sigh* I guess I'll just have to hope that next weekend goes by slowly.

Speaking Of Mental...

After I got out of work today I was able to come home and relax for about an hour before I had to head out the door. I had to go see Dr. L, my shrink. Normally Dr. L is right on time for having me come back to his office for my appointment; but today he was about 20 minutes late. I didn't gripe. I didn't go up to the counter and start bitching. Shit happens. I know I'm not his only patient, so I just sat there watching TV. When he did come out and have me follow him back he apologized for keeping me waiting. I smiled and told him that it wasn't a big deal at all.

I really like Dr. L. He's really nice and actually calls me by my nickname rather than my first name. Why? Well when I first starting seeing him he asked what I prefer to be called, so I told him. After that he's always called me by my nickname. (It has nothing to do with my blog or our lifestyle. It's something friends and some family have been calling me since I was a preteen.)

So we get back into his office and of course he starts asking me how I've been doing, have my stress levels changed, etc. I told him that my stress levels are about the same but I'm doing okay. I told him that since he put me on this second medication I've felt great. I haven't been spinning or cycling. I may get a touch moody but that's about it. And let me tell you, that's worlds apart from when I first walked through those doors.

So he made sure that I wasn't suffering any weird or concerning side effects. Amazingly enough I haven't had any side effects aside from waking up with cotton mouth every now and then. No big deal at all. He had given me a savings card for my second medication. Since it's an extended release formula it's pretty damn pricy, even with my insurance. The savings card he had given me saves me another $45 a month. Hell yeah I'm taking that!

The only sucky thing is that the savings car expires at the end of this year, which is obviously fast approaching. So he took a look but he didn't have any new cards. He told me to call back about mid December to see if they had any new ones in and he would let me have one.

Dr. L fucking rocks. He is one of those rare doctors that actually care and aren't in it just for the money. He wants to help me in any way he can. I think that's why I am so relaxed around him.

Mentally Draining

Today was one of those days that just seems to suck every thought out of your head. For most of the week my work days have been flying by, no problem. Today? Oh no. Today had to be different. I was bored yet busy all at the same time. How's that for fucked up? It seems it was that kind of day for everyone in the carpool. One of them said that a lot of people think office work is easy. It's no big deal at all. But honestly, it can be draining. Sometimes, depending on what I have to do that day it can affect me physically. But for the most part it's all mental. My mind has to bounce between so many things (maybe being bi-polar helps with that...) that at the end of the day I'm just wiped.

Most work days I'm fine. I may be a little tired but that's about it. Today though, today kicked my mental ass. I was swamped and yet I felt bored as hell. Then again when I woke up I didn't really have a lot of ambition and it stayed that way through out the day. That probably has a lot to do with it. When you don't feel like doing anything at all, yet you have to do a lot and you know damn well you have to force yourself to do it, it makes you burn out a lot quicker.

Today was one of those days. I have four hours of work tomorrow, then a doctor appointment and after that nothing really for most of the days unless we feel like getting some errands knocked out. I do have to go to work on Saturday though to make up the time I missed on Monday. Thankfully it's only five hours that I have to make up, thanks to me clocking in early and taking extremely short lunches. 

So yeah, that's my day. How's yours? 

Love Our Lurkers 6

Well, it's that time of year again. It's my time to say thank you to all my readers. I'm glad that there are people out there who enjoy reading my blog.

I know that I write for Master and I write for myself, but I'm glad other people like to follow along as we go down this path.

So thank you for stopping by and killing time by reading this blog. I hope you continue to do so.

Cutting Myself Off

I know that I've touched on this topic in the past. And honestly, I'm not sure how much I went into it or what all I said. I don't really feel like digging through years of blogging to find out. So if this seems like a rerun, I apologize.

I've never been little Ms. Popularity. And I've never wanted to be. I liked either just being by myself or with a select group of people. When I first moved up here to be with Master I cut all ties with any friends I had from growing up. It wasn't an order on His part or anything like that. I had been slowly cutting people out of my life, one by one, for a couple of years before I met Master. So, I would say I started at about 18. I started to realize that I didn't like being pulled in different directions because "x" wanted to do this but "y" wanted to do that. I also realized that I didn't even really like the people I was hanging out with anymore. You know how it is, people change, especially during or right after highschool.

By the time I was 20 years old (which is how old I was when I met Master) I had one friend left. I had known her since third grade and up until about a year after I met Master she hadn't changed into a person I didn't recognize. Then she got this one particular boyfriend who decided he would introduce her to some things, namely drugs. And I don't mean harmless just having a little fun. No I mean like they would binge for a few days and only come back to sobriety because they couldn't afford to "stock up" for a while. It was pretty damn ugly. I tried to be a good friend, I really did. But I was wrong. I was trying to get her to break up with her boyfriend. I was mad because she was finally happy. At least that's what she told me. So yeah. A person can only take so much of that. A year is a long time. So I cut her out too.

But Master... well He came with His own circle of friends. They were built in.. But over the past eight and a half years they started to drop off for various reasons. And then some others would pop back in only to drop off. Some of it was because of the things they did or what they said. Other times it was because they were using us. There were many different reasons. The only similarity between any of the situations was that when the bridge was burned, that son of a bitch exploded. There wasn't even kindle left over.

We don't really hang out with friends anymore. The two we would want to hang around with don't live around here anymore. One is in Florida and the other is up north.

Everyone who is still here we don't even really talk to anymore. Part of it is because we don't try and the other part is because they don't either. *shrugs*

I basically am finding myself only wanting to spend time with Master and our families. That's it. I was never a social butterfly and apparently as I'm getting older it's becoming more apparent that I am not made out to be one. In fact I rather prefer not to be. I enjoy just having to split up my attention between Master, my family and His family. It's easier. Also? It's more enjoyable for me.

Then there is my blog. I love writing my posts and I love reading other blogs. I also enjoy interacting with people who read this blog. My blog is my social network I guess. Odd how in "real life" I don't really want to deal with anyone who isn't related to me in some way but on my blog I enjoy the interactions.

I'm an odd, complex and confusing specimen. I'll admit that.

Made For The Bedroom

I forget how this topic came about, to be honest with you. I remember that Master and I were sitting around talking for a while. I don't remember what the hell we were talking about. But one sentence He said really stuck in my mind and has been swimming around in my brain all day. I also don't remember when He said it. Anyway, the sentence was: "You were made for the bedroom." I know He said it in a loving, teasing manner; but it got me thinking. I'm not a very useful girl. At least not in the domestic ways. I can't cook for a damn, that's for sure. Master teases me that He doesn't know how I ate before I met Him, because He does all the cooking. I can bake, but you can't have brownies, cookies and cakes all the time ya know. Well, you could, but it wouldn't be a good thing.

I can do laundry, as far as putting it in the washer, then the dryer and then putting the clothes away. I don't know how to hem anything, or stitch, or anything you might have to do to fix clothes. I've never ironed anything in my life.

I do know how to shop smart though. I look for sales and all that jazz. Unless I'm in one of my manic modes where I just can't sit still at all, I hate cleaning. Well, I'm sure most people do.

I just am not a very domestic person in those respects.

But I know how to fuck His brains out. I know how to suck His cock like a good whore. I do my best to be pleasing in the bedroom.

I'm trying to work on the whole anal sex thing. It's painful sometimes, uncomfortable at others. It has been pleasurable in the past, but since we hardly do it anymore, it hasn't been. I need to get that tolerance back up.

Master is an ass man. Apparently He thinks I have a nice ass; and as a result He wants to fuck it. I have two anal toys right now. One that is smaller and I can take with no problem. We've only used it once but it wasn't uncomfortable. The other one has this "gradual" thing going on. It starts off small and then as it gets to the middle of the toy there are two larger "bumps" I guess you would call them that I just can't seem to work past. I do have another anal toy on the way, so hopefully that will help.

I don't bring it up often at all because I'm shy about it. Not in the blushing school girl giggling type shy. I mean the whole.. "What if I get to sore? What if I get to...whatever." In my head I think it'll disappoint Him, frustrate Him. He has tried to beat it into my head that it won't, that He will understand. And I know He will because He's proven that in the past. So I'm trying to work past that mental block of mine by getting more anal toys, hoping that will help.

Master used to say all the time that He loves having an "all access" girl. One that will do basically anything sexually to please Him. I'm not that girl anymore, but I would like to be. I don't think I've left Him wanting or anything. I don't think that He is dissatisfied with our sex life. But I know that He wants more anal play, more anal sex. I want to give it to Him. And I want to be able to find pleasure in it as well. He wants me to find it pleasurable. He knows that I have in the past and He wants me to be able to achieve that again. I don't want to sound like He is forcing me into this. He's not. Hell, He hardly brings it up because He knows I have this mental block about it for some stupid reason.

I didn't have it before. But once the anal sex became less frequent, I got more sensitive, physically, to it. And that's when the mental block started. I honestly do not remember how it was at first. I know He broke me into it slowly. But I don't remember how we got to the place where we were doing it at least once a month and I enjoyed it nine times out of ten. I just... don't remember.

It's probably painfully obvious, you know, like actually working at it to try and get it there again.

I need anal training and that's the end of it. I know this and I want to break past this mental block I have. I want to be His all access girl again.

Home Again

Well I'm home again. I left here yesterday at about 9:30am and headed on down. My mother and her husband were still packing some things. She told me the schedule for the animals and handed me the house key before they rushed out the door. They were gone for about 10 minutes before the came back into the driveway. Her husband hopped out of the car and came in to grab his jacket. I kind of chuckled at that. They remembered everything else but his jacket. In Wisconsin. Although I can understand why. They had a three hour drive ahead of them and they both knew that this was not going to go very well. She called me a few times to check in and see how things were going. When we were talking she sounded extremely upset and it wasn't just because of his mother passing away. Apparently his family had the "family meeting" Saturday, without them. They basically told my mother and her husband that they had "made the decisions for them". Lovely isn't it?

There are 14 children, a husband and some step children to divide everything between, so trust me it's getting ugly.

While they were gone I tried to busy myself. It felt really weird being at their house without them, let alone at night. I'm used to my apartment not a whole house. I haven't lived in a house since I was 17 years old. It's not a large house or anything but it still felt big. I'm sure it was due in part to the fact that I felt weird being there.

I of course missed Master and our animals. But like I said I busied myself. My brother came down for a while and we hung out, watched TV and talked; which was nice. But other than that I basically dicked around online off and on and watched TV. That was another weird thing, having access to cable. Master and I only have Netflix and whatever movies we own. Well, and of course the internet.

As the night progressed Master and I met online to chat for a while. It reminded me of the first two years of our relationship. We lived 45 minutes away and chatting online was a lot cheaper than phone calls; so we would meet up at a set time and just type away to one another for a few hours. That's exactly what we did last night. It was even more surreal since I was in my hometown again.

Eventually Master and I logged off and I went back to watching TV for a while. I knew I would have trouble falling asleep so I went to bed around midnight and basically laid down and forced myself to continue to lay there until I finally passed out.

I was supposed to stay there until my mother got back home. But since my brother knew that I have to work tomorrow and would like some down time at home before kicking off the work week, he came over and hung out with me for a while before telling me he would stay until she got back. That was really sweet of him.

My mother let me grab some things from her place (she's a massive coupon shopper and stocks up on damn near everything) and then I headed home.

Once I got home I brought everything in and Master put it away for me. It doesn't feel like a Monday at all. Then again I guess today is kind of like my Sunday, as weird as that sounds.

So for the work week I have the next three full days of work, then I have a half day on Friday and then I have to work on Saturday. This is going to be a messed up week. I would stay the whole day on Friday but I have a doctor appointment that I can't miss. If I miss it I can't refill my prescriptions.

I guess what I'll have to do is try and clock in as early as possible (depending on when the carpool driver gets me to work) and then cut my lunches as short as possible. That way I won't have to make up a full eight hours on Saturday.

House Sitting

Well, I won't be doing a blog post tomorrow. My mother and her husband have to go up north his mother's funeral. As a result, they asked me if I would house sit for them as they'll be gone overnight and need to me to watch it until they get back on Monday. So tomorrow morning I'll be heading down there to house sit and take care of their animals. Master is going to stay home to take care of our animals. It'll be the first night in a really long time that Master and I won't be together. The last time was, I wanna say about two years ago? Some where around there. It'll be weird. But it's only one night at least. I'm not looking forward to taking care of my mom's dog though. She's annoying and she still has accidents even though she's about five years old.

But other than that everything should go smoothly. Other than the dog she has one cat inside the house but there are several "feral" cats that have made a home in her garage that she takes care of.

Other than that not a lot is really going on. Today Master and I mainly have just been relaxing. We played video games for a while, I worked on His back and we watched a couple of movies.

So yeah, like I said not a lot to report and I won't be doing my daily post tomorrow.

Full Disclosure

I spoke about thought provoking posts last night. Well, rather than babble on about how much my work day sucked, I decided that I wanted to actually talk about the subject matter this blog was originally created for. Domination and submission. Kink. Being owned. You get the picture. I wanted some kind of specified topic though. So I decided to hit up the journal prompts page and take a look see. It took a little bit of digging but I came up with a topic I thought would be interesting. Sometimes I just need a little push and I can go from there.  Thankfully this one is something that I can actually ramble on about. That helps a lot. (If you are having a hard time thinking of something to post about I highly recommend going to that site.)

Is full disclosure expected in your relationship? How do you find it easiest to share the aspects of yourself that you normally would keep deep down inside? Do you ever find yourself wanting to censor yourself, and how do you move past that urge?

To be honest this took some doing. Don't get me wrong, I always wanted to be honest with Master. But you know how it is in new relationships. You still have some defensive walls up and some old wiring that needs to be chipped away at and rewired.

Add to that the fact that it didn't take long for us to start dabbling in this lifestyle after we first started dating. So that was new on top of new, ya know? And I won't say it was just on my end. I know Master was having similar things to overcome. After all, you're still trying to test the waters fully and see how things are going to pan out; whether or not the relationship will last.

Slowly but surely the walls started to come down, brick by brick. Over time more and more layers were peeled back and before I knew it Master could read me like an open book.

It felt wonderful. I didn't worry about what He would think of me if I told Him some of my deepest, darkest thoughts. While He was peeling back the layers I started to realize that it is best that way. If someone can't accept all of you, then they don't deserve to be with you.

So, yes I would say that full disclosure is expected and encouraged in our relationships. It's a two way street though. It's not like I'm just laying there with my throat exposed while He keeps all His thoughts and dark desires locked up inside of Him. I can't imagine Him knowing me so well, but not knowing Him to that depth as well. It wouldn't be fair, and I believe that after a while it would cause trust issues. At least for me it would.

My journals were the easiest way to lay it all out there in the beginning. It took time for me to be able to speak them out loud, face to face. I would write it all down in my journal, not really worrying about what the reaction would be because I didn't have to think about it right away. The reaction would be delayed as it would normally be a while before He would read my entries.

As that started to become easier I found myself able to talk about them as well. After all, if I can write it down knowing that He is going to read it, what was the difference in telling Him?

And here we are now. I still write my thoughts down here of course, but there isn't anything I write here that I couldn't say to Master's face. Nothing.

In regards to censoring myself with Master, I don't have that urge anymore. Of course I did for a while; like I said in a new relationship you are still figuring everything out. But after 8 1/2 years it's like the censor button is broken when we're alone. I mean, yes it's there when we're around other people, but when it's just the two of us there isn't anything I really worry about talking to Him about anymore. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure it out in my own head, but I think that's normal. After all, if I can't get it straight in my thoughts than the conversation isn't going to make any damn sense what so fucking ever. But I do have to say that I'm happy that we came to this point in our relationship/dynamic/marriage that we can say whatever we want about any topic and know that the other person isn't going to be judgmental.

Hunting

Well, I did it! I found some avatars for my blog posts! Yay! It took some creative thinking though. Whenever I typed in the word "avatar" into the image search engine the damn thing kept bringing up the fucking movie! Ugh. I've never even seen that movie. Yes, that's right. I've never seen Avatar. So sue me. It just didn't seem that interesting to me. I tried getting into my old image hosting account to get all my old avatars back, but I couldn't get into the damn thing. Apparently I don't know the username or password anymore. So I had to start from scratch. No big deal. I found some kick ass ones. And now this gives me something to do when I'm bored or just want to do something rather mindless. Avatar hunting! *dun dun dun*

I can't say that I'll be using one for every blog post, but still. I missed doing it. What do you guys think? Cool? Not cool? Dumb as hell?

Oddly enough I had to go through some "gothic" ones to find some that had something even remotely to do with submission and/or kink. But hey, I'm a dark minded girl anyway; so it fits.

Other than avatar hunting and work today I really haven't done much. Master is watching a movie right now that I'm kind of peeking at every now and then. It's Universal Solider: Regeneration. I've only ever seen the first one. Apparently Master isn't liking this one so far.

I've got to do more deep thought related posts. Obviously, this one is not one of them. I'm just kind of on one of those bipolar fixation trips. I'm totally focused on finding new avatars. At least it's easy. (And it's better than me dicking around with the html and css on my blog.)

I really do love my blog and blogging in general. I'm a bit addicted to it; probably because I've been doing it for so long.

Memories

For some reason today, while I was reading other blogs, I remembered when I would put a little "icon" or "avatar" in the left hand corner of each blog post. People used to do that all the time. You know what I'm talking about right?

Those little square pictures of something, sometimes with text, that bloggers tried to match to the blog post topic.

Or am I the only one who remembers that? I miss doing that sometimes. I used to have a huge collection of "avatars" on my computer so that when I did a blog post I could scroll through them and pick one that I felt matched the blog post. It was crazy. I miss that. But I don't know if it would be corny now or not. I don't know why I worry about whether or not it would be corny now. I never worried about it before. I don't know if I'll do it again or not. Right now it sounds like an awesome idea! What do you guys think?

I started blogging in 2007, shortly after Master and I got married. In fact my first blog post ever was on March 28th, 2007. (I had to dig deep on my previous blog host to look into that.) I know that my archives on the sidebar only go to 2009. When I moved my blog from Wordpress to Blogger the file was too large when I tried to include everything. So I had to drop two years off.

Wow, I've been blogging for almost five years already. Holy hell.

But I was writing under Master's orders long before then. It started in late 2003. When I had to go away for a week when we first started dating Master wanted me to keep a slave journal. Once I returned after that week Master read through what I had written and decided He wanted me to continue doing it, and I've been doing it ever since. I started with notebooks and then eventually started buying actual diaries/journals from Barnes & Noble.

Even when I did start blogging, Master had me continue the hand written journals for a little while. But eventually He decided rather than having me do the hand written journals, He would just require a daily blog post. And here we are.

The funny thing is that this blog has always had the same name/title. I first started on Blogger actually. And then eventually someone (I don't remember who) said I should move over to Wordpress. I was there for quite a while and then they started putting way too many restrictions on what I could or couldn't do with my blog. Plus I had to pay in order to use custom CSS. Eventually I said fuck it and moved back to Blogger, obviously. I'm glad I moved back here though. I can tweak my blog whenever I want and don't get charged a damn thing. Now I'm not saying that everyone who blogs should move to Blogger, so please don't take it that way. It's just what I prefer.

I still have all my hand written slave journals. Every. Single. One. All those memories wrapped into either written word or my blog. And I can go back in time by flipping a page or clicking the mouse. It's weird. Although Master and I have talked about getting rid of those written journals eventually. Less clutter and all that. Master and I haven't read those in years anyway. But yet they remain in the closet. I don't know how I'll react when we finally do toss them.

Thief

Well, apparently someone commented on my pictures page at some point last night letting me know that apparently one of my pictures had been "stolen" and someone posted it on Flickr stating that it was their own. I'm sorry, who ever posted the comment, but I don't know who you are since I did not read the comment itself. I'll get into that in a minute.

I didn't know about this, meaning the stolen picture or the comment, until this morning. And it wasn't because I checked the blog itself. Normally before work I don't check my blog unless I'm waiting a bit longer than usual for the carpool to show up.

This morning when I got up there was a note from Master telling me about the comment stating that one of the pictures had been "stolen" off my pictures page. Immediately after that sentence He told me to remove the pictures page. So, without thinking to read the comment first, I immediately opened up my blog, deleted the page itself and removed the link from the top bar.

Once I removed the page of course the comment was no longer available. So I would like to thank whoever left the comment for letting Master and myself know about this; otherwise we probably would have never known about it.

It pisses me off for two reasons. First off, it's my face. You don't just steal pictures of someone you don't even know. Secondly, it's Masters work. He took the pictures, they are His property (much like I am).

As I said Master wanted me to promptly remove the pictures page, which I obviously did. Master didn't want His work being stolen again and He didn't want pictures of me in places that we didn't authorize.

So, to whoever stole the picture.. you're a fucking asshole.

Yes, I realize that whenever you put up pictures of yourself on the internet you run that risk. But when it happens it pisses you off anyway.

Sorry guys. No more pictures of me on the blog. Hopefully you're not so broken hearted (sarcasm) that you stop reading my blog.