Loved, Needed, & Wanted

This may sound somewhat stupid. Hell, it may sound extremely stupid. But these past four days I have had off of work have really helped me. They have allowed me to decompress for more than a day and a half and it has also allowed me some extra down time that I really needed. I think it has helped me get back into the dynamic head space that I need to be in. 

I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like we've been able to focus on us 100% of the time. Thursday we were at His mom's, Friday we were at my dad's, yesterday we had to ourselves, and today we had to run an errand with His mom. That errand took significantly longer than either of us expected but oh well. It's done.

But I don't always need it to be just the two of us time in order to get back into where I need to be. I felt myself getting it right a little bit more each day. I feel that I took a bigger step yesterday because it was all about us, but it was bit by bit. And today I feel like I should feel.

I'm not saying that I was completely out of sync. I wasn't. I was minding my place, I was being a good girl (for the most part), and I was serving Him as I am supposed to. But I haven't gone this deep into that head space in a long, long time.

It's just that so many other things bleed into one day after another that it's not always easy to just let it all flow off my back like water so I can focus properly. These past four days I have had time to do so. It was bit by bit but it eventually accelerated and here I am now.

I always feel so much more peaceful when I'm in that deep slave space that my mind goes to. I wish I could feel like this all the time. Hell, I wish I could stay home and be a stay at home slave. That's never going to happen mind you. It's not financially feasible just as it isn't for most couples, married or otherwise. And unless we run into a fuck ton of money, it's never going to be feasible. It's just how the world works.

But on nights like tonight, where I know that in a handful of hours I'll have to go to bed in order to go to work in the morning that wish becomes very strong. At least being a slave is easier. Well, not really easier. But at least when I'm doing that I'm in a more peaceful state of mind. I feel like I have purpose. I feel like I'm doing something that matters.

Bringing home a paycheck matters. It really, really does. But the things I do to earn a paycheck feels so bland and gray. My whole work day just seems paled out. Almost as if there isn't any color until I get home from work. And then, even though it's night time, I feel like the color snaps back.

If I were able to just stay home and serve Him the color wouldn't bleed away. I know a lot of it is that one, I don't really feel like what I do at my job matters, two, that I have a shit ton of stress at work, and three that I don't feel appreciated when I'm at work.

With Master I feel appreciated. It doesn't  feel like I don't matter. It doesn't feel like I'm replaceable. With Master I feel loved, cared for, wanted, needed, and protected.

Damn real world and all it's bullshit has to come in and pause it from 9 to 5 Monday through Friday.

At least if it's a day off of work and we have a lot of errands to do, I'm still with Him. As mundane as the errand(s) may be, I'm with Him. And if I'm not I don't have anything sucking the life out of me before I get home to Him.

I'm going to try fucking hard as hell to just keep my mind where it is right now throughout the work week and then maybe, hopefully, I won't feel so washed out come Friday.

Back To Reality

Today is the last day of my six day "vacation". It wasn't really a vacation as we didn't go anywhere but that's fine with me. I just wanted an extended break and to get extra time with my Husband that I normally wouldn't have. And I must say it's been wonderful. I'm actually kind of sad that I have to go back to work tomorrow. It's not just because I have to go back to work, it's knowing that everything has to go back to normal. Only getting things done once I get home from work, having to only see Master from 5:30pm to 11pm which is when I get to go to bed, having to wait five days to get more time with Him and to visit people I want to visit, etc and so on.

I do have to say that we got a lot done during those six days off though. Nothing big, but some small things that have been put off. Today I did Master's laundry and we relaxed in the apartment. Shortly after dinner we went to sit outside. We didn't stay too late though. I think we came in at 8:30pm.

Also, during these six days off I've done a lot of thinking about this whole job/carpool thing. I used one of those gas calculator things and damn is that going to be expensive, even with the other two chipping in. Plus I already know that they aren't going to like what I'll be charging them. On top of that when I don't have to take them to work and I still have to go in, then I have to pay that gas myself. Add to the fact that our car is a bit older and all that I don't want to run her into the ground by driving out to work and back every day, five days a week. That's going to put miles on her rather quickly. Which also means that I'll have to have more oil changes... well you get the picture.

So I told Master today that I'm going to have to start looking for a new job. In a way it pisses me off because I'm good at my job and it's a good job with good benefits. In a way it makes me nervous and scared because I need to make what I'm making now, or at least extremely close to it. I can't afford a pay cut. Also, is the new insurance going to be more expensive? How long do I have to wait before it kicks in? Ugh! I absolutely hate this. I know that she wasn't going to be doing the carpool forever but a little more warning would have been nice. She kept going back and forth on it and then put in a 60 day notice with her apartment (she has to be out by August 1st) and waited until last week to tell me that she is ending the carpool the last week of this month. If she had been more serious in her talks about moving, given me more notice and given a better time frame I would have been more serious about looking for a new job quite some time ago. But for the longest time it sounded like she wasn't going to move anymore. That is until last week.

I didn't bother looking for a new job this past week because I was still figuring out how I wanted to handle this. I've decided.

It's a good thing I know Master is on board either way.

Wash Away

Today was an extremely busy day at work. I put in nine hours today and yes, it was stressful. But honestly, the minute I started to feel stressed out I just let the feeling roll off me like water off a duck's back. I figured I'm not going to get any more or any less work done if I'm stressed out, so fuck it. I'll do what I can and that's that. I know for sure that Monday is going to kick my ass though. I have tomorrow off! Finally, an extra day off. But since I have tomorrow off that means the pile of work I left today will only grow and by the time I come back on Monday. Oh well, I don't give a fuck right now because I have a three day weekend! Ha! Some of my coworkers asked what I was doing with my long weekend. I told them that I just wanted some more down time with my Husband. We're not doing anything special at all. In fact we'll be doing some chores. But what matters is that I have a little bit of a break and some more quality time with Master.

So lets see... we plan on giving the dog a bath and we're going to do Master's laundry. Aside from that I have three whole days of doing absolutely nothing. I love doing nothing. I know a lot of people find it boring to just sit at home and dick around all day. Me? I love it. Mainly because I don't get to do it very often.

I still like going out and doing things but after a long stretch of stressful work I'm ready to just be brain dead for a while and not really have to think about much.

And we're starting tonight off that way. I got home, we ate dinner and then watched a movie (the movie sucked). Now I'm doing my post and at some point soon I'll take my bath. Shortly there after we'll take care of the animals and do whatever the hell entertains us at the moment. I'm just hoping I don't pass out really early. I know I've had a really rough couple of months at work and I'm probably going to crash and burn pretty soon but it's Thursday and I hardly ever get to stay up late on a Thursday. Knowing my luck though I won't be able to catch a second wind and my body will start to shut down around 11pm like it's used to doing on Thursdays. I can hope though.

Bubble

Today I am in my own little bubble. I'm refusing to realize that I only have one day left of my four day weekend. Nope. It's far, far away. So there.

Don't get me wrong, the time has gone by at a nice slow rate. I feel more relaxed than I have in quite some time. Good times with my family on Thursday. Errands and relaxation with Master yesterday. Today has been only relaxing. No errands at all. We were going to do grocery shopping but it has been a really gray and drizzly day.

It is just one of those days where we both woke up and decided we didn't want to do a damn thing but chill out with one another. It's been really nice. No worries. I'm not allowing any stress to get to me today.

None. I'm just enjoying my day and that's it. I'm blocking anything else out. I think I've earned that.

Master was kind enough to work on my lower back last night. It felt really good and He even got my tailbone to crack a few times. I know that might sound gross, but my bones seem to like cracking or moving around on me. Weird huh?

My left shoulder is the worst, quite honestly. Oh the joys of fibromyalgia and car accidents! Yay! (I would like to note that I've never been in an accident while I was driving and the only one I've been in with Master driving wasn't His fault. It was mechanical failure.)

Even though I'm relaxed though, sometimes the rain will make my fibromyalgia act up and today is one of those days. I'm relaxed, I'm having a good day, but my shoulders and lower back do not like me at all today.

I can't really think of anything else and I feel like I'm rambling as it is. So I think I'll cut this right here and go back to mindless relaxation.

A Day Of

This has been a day of blah. A day of I don't give a fuck. And a day of whatever.

I had no motivation today whatsoever. The gray sky didn't really help. Especially since my coworkers wanted the damn shades open for no reason. Yes, please, lets open all the shades so we can have nothing but gray skies to look at. I'd rather have the shades closed. The day went by slowly. It figures that since it's only a three day work week that it would go by slowly.

I just want to find the damn fast forward button and get the work week over with. It doesn't help that neither Master or myself have been in the greatest moods today. It is just one of those things.

I don't really know what to write about besides that today sucked. I mean, my mind is in kind of a funk right now. I'm not depressed or anything. I just feel like I'm in a funk. I'm just blah today. I'm definitely not in a happy go lucky place right now. I'm in more of a I don't give a fuck type place.

I'm not talking about a "don't get a fuck" head set where I just give up on everything and go curl up in a ball in the darkest corner I can find. I mean a "don't give a fuck" as in I'm just going to do what I have to do and be done with it for the day.

Tomorrow might be the same, or it could be better. The weather change isn't helping. I had a headache for most of the morning and early afternoon. I don't think that did anything positive for my mood either. So yeah. I'm not really sure how to describe my mindset at the moment.... it's unusual.

Empty Thoughts

I am very, very happy that I get a three day weekend this week. Aside from holidays, it'll be my last one until March. I'm using up almost the last of my personal time to take off tomorrow (Friday). Why? Because I need it. After last week and all that bullshit with the tires, I just want to rest and relax. Aside from that, I don't really want to do much at all.

I don't know why but today my whole back is tense and aches. I didn't really do anything strenuous at work so I have no idea what's going on. It might be the weather.

I'm not even really sure what I want to write about tonight. I get to stay up late since I have off tomorrow, and that's really all that is on my mind. So exciting huh?

I really am trying to think of something interesting to write about and nothing is coming to mind. I thought about doing a journal prompt but that just requires too much thinking for my liking right now. Then again, since I do have a long night ahead of me I may hop on and do another post later. Right now? I'm just not feeling it.

Last Day

This has been a wonderful four day weekend. When it first started it felt like it was going to last forever. It was so relaxing. As the days went by I just smiled to myself because I knew I had more time off than normal. But since today is the last day it hit me that I actually have to go back to work tomorrow.

*sad face*

But the extra time with Master is something I really needed. I come home to Him every night and I get every weekend with Him, but at the same time it feels like most of our time together is kind of rushed. I only have two days off a week so we have to slam everything into it. During the work week I just want to stay home. So most of the errands get done on the weekend minus the ones Master did during the week. Plus there are other people who want to see us as well. It's not every weekend but still.

So since this was an extended weekend I took one day out of it to go visit family. The other three days were focused on Master and myself. It was wonderful. Master has been making full use of me. The sex has been rough and frequent. *grins* In fact I'm sore as hell and very submissive lately when it comes to sex. I'd rather be used than get off. Weird right? Yeah, I think so to. Although Master is not minding it one bit. *giggles*

This may sound silly, but normally when I'm at home and on the couch I sit with a pillow in front of me. I just find it comfortable. I kind of hug it to myself. Today Master snatched the pillow from me and had me sit there naked. It took a while to get use to it, since it is pretty much my automatic reaction to grab the damn pillow. So He had to snatch the pillow from me a few times. After that if I grabbed it again when I sat down He just gave me a look and I moved the pillow.

Well, I have to go take my bath and do my exercises before I relax for the rest of the night with Master. For the past few days I've put them off until later in the evening because I knew that Master would let me stay up until early in the morning. Since I have to work tomorrow I know that He won't allow me to stay up to late. I slept in really late today though, so I have a feeling that falling asleep at a half way decent hour is going to be a bitch and a half.

Dear Weekend...

Dear weekend, please hurry the hell up.

It's only Tuesday and already this work week is trying my patience. An hour into my work day today I was ready to scream. I can't go into details, but it was something I've been working on since October that I just found out today wasn't even necessary. It isn't my job's fault at all. It's the company we're dealing with. It was their mistake. Mother. Fucker.

So yeah, that sucked major balls.

The rest of the day dragged. I didn't have enough work to even get me through my lunch hour. *sigh*

So every time something new was placed on my desk I grabbed it, starting working on it and tried to drag it out as much as possible. Even with me going slowly it only lasted a half hour. *head desk*

So I did a lot of bullshit work just to try and make the time pass. But that is one thing I can say about myself when I'm at work. Even if work is slow, I don't just sit on my butt doing nothing. I don't walk around and talk to people for hours at a time. I sit down, I do the work I have and then I try and scrape up more work to busy myself.

I'm a damn good employee. *nods* But how else can I build up job security? It's not by dicking around. Well, unless I was a hooker. Which I'm not. Ew.

 

Let It Begin

Well we didn't get let out work early like we had hoped. They did it for the past two years that I know of (because that's how long I've been with them...). But apparently a lot of people became expectant. Rumor has it that a lot of people were e-mail the business director asking if we were getting out early, and if so what time. Apparently enough people did this, and it ended up irritating the shit out of the higher ups. So they decided against it. Which in one way I can understand. They never promised to let us out early and we have the next four days off of work.

Yes, it would have been nice to be cut loose early, but I sure in the hell wasn't going to act like I expected it. So we had a full work day. Because people can't keep their mouths shut.

So anyway, now I'm home (obviously) and relaxing. I dressed up for Master and we're just staying warm, out of the rain, and enjoying spending time with one another. And we have the next four days together! *happy dance*

At one point this past week Master had me think of four kinky things that I wanted to do. One for each day off I have this week. At the time I didn't have this damn cold sore, so some of it involved oral sex. Now that's out of course. But it was still fun coming up with things. He said He would take my suggestions under consideration so the next four days should prove to be interesting.

I have no idea what He has in store for us. I know that the next four days won't be just kink, but I'm also looking forward to cuddling, and just joking around.

I really could use this small break from work. My job is great and everything, but sometimes you just need to have an extended break, even if it is just a few days. And I think Master and I could really use this extra time together as well. I know that I'm still getting use to my medication, and I'll actually be starting the next dose on Friday. Another two weeks and I'll be on the highest dose and will be maintaining that. But anyway, we've been through quite a bit as of late, and I think we need more quality time than usual right now. At least I do.

Let The Three Day Weekend Begin

The week is over and now, the three day weekend begins!

Master had another long day at work, so when I got out of work I walked to B's job and he took me home again. Hey, at least I'm getting plenty of exercise and fresh air. :-)

When I got home, I was pleasantly surprised to see that Master was in His recliner. He had gotten home about 15 minutes before I walked in the door.

We talked about our days and then went out to dinner, like we do every Friday. We had a great time, joking around and just relaxing. I think we were both breathing a sigh of relief that it was the end of the week.

This weekend is a bit hectic. Sunday I'm going down to my mom's for a few hours. Monday we are going to His mom's for probably two to three hours. But tomorrow? That's our day. We're just going to relax, hopefully sleep in, and have a good time.

Master and I haven't had a lot of time together this week. Well, not quality time anyway. And a lot of people may say, "Well you see each other every day, what's the big deal?"

The big deal is that I'm addicted to my Husband, and there is no option of rehab. My Husband may annoy me, or get under my skin sometimes.. as I'm sure I do to Him.. but He is the love of my life. He is the sexiest man to me, and I love Him dearly.

We always joke that this is the longest one night stand in the histories of one night stands. Why? Because that's what we were supposed to be. We were supposed to be a booty call. We hooked up, that was supposed to be it. But we ended up hanging out, falling in love rather quickly, and now we're over 6 years into it.

I also joke that if nothing else I've proved Him wrong at least once. *smirks* When we first started dating He told me He never wanted to get married again. He had been married once, and it left a bad taste in His mouth. But then I proposed to Him, and we've been married for 2 years.

I realize this post probably isn't making a lot of sense. I'm rambling. But I've been thinking about Him all day, and how much I love Him. I've also have been thinking about the past six years and all the good times we've had. And it's put me into a some what sappy mood.

And I'm looking foward to having all day with Him tomorrow, most of the day with Him on Sunday, and most of the day with Him on Monday. *bounces up and down happily*