Scattered Thoughts

My head is all over the place. Sometimes I'm fine and I'm smiling and laughing. Then I just kind of stare off and zone the hell out. Other times I'm just tired and down. I know that part of my being tired isn't because I'm sleeping like shit, waking up at least three hours sooner than I normally do and shoveling a metric fuck ton of snow. Then of course another thing that has been known to make me tired is stress. Not that stress is anything new in my life, because it's not. But I do know that some bad shit in my family may go down if certain things don't go certain ways after the wake. I am in no way looking forward to it. If it goes smoothly I'll honestly be shocked.

The wake is this Friday, which is only two days away. Today I got together the clothes that Master and I will be wearing to it and washed them. The had the obituary in the newspaper today. Something that was written in it rubbed me the wrong way. It goes something along the lines of, "he passed away with his sons at his bedside." This would imply that both of his sons were there. And they weren't. My father stayed home. It rubs me the wrong way because I was there and I know for a fact what happened every minute of that day.

The weather was bad yes it was hard as hell to get there because of our having to dig out the driveway in record time and then drive on streets that were plowed all that well without rushing even though we wanted to get there asap. However, that was part of the excuse my father gave. He couldn't get out. The nurse at the hospital said that they could send a care van to go pick him up. But when my uncle attempted to offer that he didn't answer the phone.

A long while ago my father told me that the next time he would see his father would be in a casket. So while it doesn't surprise me he wasn't there it... upsets me anyway. He allowed his younger brother and two children to endure it but couldn't bring himself to.

But I'm going to let that go for right now. I may throw that at him at a later time depending on things happen and how smoothly they occur. All I know is that I am hoping that everyone behaves themselves at the wake. It would be utterly disrespectful if someone were to start shit. I already promised myself that I will behave regardless and I will either walk away from a situation or say, "Not here. Not now."

They are also having a dinner afterward. I have decided that I am not going. Aside from my immediate family everyone else there will be people who I have not seen since I was a young to mid teenager and are only coming out of a sense of duty. There are really only two people who are coming to town that I want to see. They are my aunt and uncle on my mother's side. They live six hours north of here and they were close to my grandfather because of my father's friendship with my uncle as well as my mother's marriage to my father for so long. I just don't want to deal with a bunch of people going on and on about my grandfather who didn't give a good god damn while he has been ill all of this time. At least not enough to contact anyone and see how he is doing. I'll endure that at the wake for my grandfather's sake. The dinner is not for my grandfather. The dinner is for everyone else. I owe them nothing and I do not wish to be present.

I feel bad for my brother. He couldn't sleep the night it happened. He told me that he couldn't get past the sight of Grandpa passing away in front of his eyes or the sounds he made right before he did. I understand that. He seems okay now but I also haven't really had time to talk to him much since then. He has separated himself a bit and he has been working. I've also been doing as much as possible to stay active which gives my brain less time to focus on what my brother was describing. It honestly doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Believe me it's all burned into my gray matter. But I see it more as my witnessing him passing over and not being in pain or suffering anymore. I don't think that's how my brother looks at it.

For some reason the idea of getting a tattoo went through my head today. It's not really odd for me. When something major happens that is usually a thought that crosses my mind although I don't normally immediately start off with a thought as to what I want.

However this time I had the idea of a tree. Originally I thought of the tree of life and death but I do not like any of the actual images that popped up. It wasn't what I had in mind. However, I did come across two other images of tree tattoo flash that I liked.

I really like the one above but the only thing is that it is honestly also an image on one of my favorite TV shows in one particular episode. As a result, to me it would come off more as a fan girl tattoo.

Then there is this one:

I really like this one. It is simple and it has a heart in the middle. I showed this one to Master on my computer and it was a piece of flash that had four images on it. He liked this one but he liked the one next to it more. While it was interesting I thought it was more masculine than I was looking for. There is something about this one. I look at it and for some reason it feels right. As a result, I have a feeling I'll be going with this one. Not that I have the money or will any time soon. Nor am I entirely sure where I want to put it. I am thinking either on my ribs or on my left forearm. All of my tattoos are in places where I can hide them really easily. My forearm would mean that I would have to wear long sleeve shirts regardless of the season should I get a job that doesn't allowed tattoos to be visible. It's doable. I've always wanted a rib tattoo but this seems too small for one. When I've pictured myself getting a rib tattoo it was bigger. I want that particular tattoo flash the size that it is. As I continue to look at it I am falling in love with the design.

Check the Simple Shit

Well, I felt like a fucking idiot today. Before I get into why I just wanted to say that I did end up going to a doctor about my not really getting my period in December. They checked and nothing seemed unusual and basically since I have been fixed for so long there is damn near no chance that I would get pregnant. They did a pap smear though because I hadn't had one in a while and I had pre-cancerous cells in the past that needed to be treated. They said they would have the results in about a week. They told me to contact them if I hadn't had my period by February 1st. Sure as hell, I got it today. Nothing overly heavy yet but it's there. They did tell me that my periods may get a bit more irregular now that I'm in my 30's. *shrugs* I guess I'll just have to not freak out if it happens again unless something seems really wrong.

Okay, now back to why I felt stupid...

Our car wouldn't start yesterday. I had actually hopped in the car to go to the doctor and tried starting her. She tried, but wouldn't crank over. Fucking hell. I ended up getting a ride there and back. I thought that maybe it was just too cold and that is why she didn't want to crank over. But after talking with some family members that deal with a lot of cars. They told me that it was most likely my starter because my battery was only a year old. I went out there again today and again she wouldn't turn over.

So we had the car towed to our new mechanic. I say new because we had moved back in September and we are about a hour away from our old mechanic. They told me that it most likely wouldn't be fixed until Monday because they would have to order the part. (It did end up being the starter.) I said that would be no problem. But lo and behold about five hours later they call me and they said that they were able to find the part locally and had it fixed. They also did an oil change on her. Awesome sauce.

So I get a ride there to pick her up and by that time it's just starting to get dark out. I didn't really have to turn the headlights on until about half way home. When I did I noticed that the headlights turned on but the dashboard didn't light up. What the fuck?

I get home and park the car and I start messing with it to see if I could figure out why. Nope. Fuck. I called the mechanic and they told me to drive her right back and they'll look at it.

When I show up they have Master and I pull the car into the service bay and they couldn't figure it out either. So they brought over someone else over. Apparently, it was because one of the rear doors were open. Never mind no lights came on to say that one of the doors were ajar. Hell, the interior lights even turned off. What the hell.

Basically it was one of those check the simple shit first stupid situations. Neither Master or myself could figure it out and neither could two other people at the mechanics. Why? Because we were all focused on just the dashboard. Well, that and you wouldn't think that a door would cause that especially when there are absolutely no other signs that a damn door is open. *sigh*

Oh well, at least she's fixed now.

Support System

We are both going through a lot of shit right now. A. Lot. Of. Shit. Both individually and collectively. I'm not talking about inside our marriage. We're not fighting. We're not on the brink of divorce. We're still very much in love and our marriage is strong. However, everything else that is going on is... rough. And that's an understatement. We are both doing the best we can with handling all of this shit. Again, both individually and collectively.

We do our best to be strong, not only for ourselves but for one another. Yesterday we were standing outside talking and I started to tear up a little bit about what we were discussing. I didn't break down. I didn't start weeping. It was a few tears that built up enough in my eyes to trickle down my face. As soon as Master saw that He walked over to me and gave me a big hug while kissing the top of my head.

Can I just say that I love it when He kisses the top of my head? I'm not sure why, but I find it very sweet and comforting. Especially since He is so much taller than me. (A full foot and three inches taller to be exact.) When He does that I am totally surrounded by Him and it calms me down.

I didn't cry much. A few more tears escaped and then I was fine. Well, not fine. But I wasn't crying anymore. When we got back inside He gave me another big hug.

I know that some of it will get at least a tiny bit better once the holidays are over. But it won't be fully over until some pretty major shit goes down. Such as when my grandfather is finally at peace. That poor old man is still here, suffering. Once he is at peace we will all have to hold our breathe to see if everything is going to go smoothly or if world ware three breaks out within my family. I can hope for the first but prepare myself for the latter.

The other parts are not so easily measured. The stuff with my family has a time frame, sort of. The other shit? Not so much. That is basically going to have to play itself out.

All I know is that we are both lucky to have one another. A lot of people are in relationships and a lot of people are in marriages, but not all of those relationships/marriages are healthy. Not all of them have two people that are willing to stand together regardless of what they are facing. We are lucky to have both of those things. We are our own support system.

While we are normally venting about the same thing to one another and are on the same side regarding that topic, it still helps to say things out loud and have someone there.

Bullshit Train Keeps Rolling

Well, Master and I have been at our new place for a whopping four days now. The bullshit isn't about that. We still have some things to find places for, like our winter jackets and such. Basically things that we don't have an immediate need for. But for being here only four days I would say we have gotten a lot done.

The bullshit train is from my dad and that whole fucked up situation. My grandfather's house had been sold for about four months. Well, as good as sold anyway. The only thing the new people were waiting for was for my dad and uncle to finish cleaning the place up and have the estate sale. The estate sale had been done for a while now. But they then had to move my uncle back into his apartment and do the rest of the cleaning. This is what I mean about my dad procrastinating. Everything takes forever. You would think he would have want it sold, done, and over with as soon as possible since he would then be getting the money from the house being purchased. After all the house is paid off so it is nothing but profit. But oh no, not my dad.

At the last minute yesterday my uncle calls us up and basically said that my dad has been pushing him off for four days about getting the rest of the stuff taken to the dump and so he was wondering if we could come out and help. Well, we had both agreed that if my dad called we would say no but that if my uncle called we would go and help. We were both sore and tired from the move and getting as much as we could get settled. But fine. My uncle asked so off we went. My brother tagged along as well. When we got there my uncle informed us that my dad was coming and that he had one load in the truck already to take it out to the dump. My father hadn't shown up yet so my brother and my uncle took the truck to the dump while Master and I waited for my dad to show up.

What we were originally told was that it was only going to be taking stuff to the dump and then basically keep doing truck loads until it was all done. It honestly didn't look like that much so we figured maybe another two trips.

Then my dad showed up. He was furious. The buyers of the property backed out. These buyers are my dad's next door neighbors and friends. The way they informed him of this was by text that day. They apparently found out that the septic tank would need to be removed and a mound would have to be made due to the township's requirements. My grandpa had never done it because well... he didn't. *shrugs* Anyway, that was going to be an additional $50,000 that the buyers weren't expecting. I can't really blame them for backing out when you are talking about that on top of the $150,000 price tag on the house. You would have thought they would have checked into that at some point in the past four months but apparently not.

The dumbest part of all of this was the fact that because they were friends with my dad, my father gave them a house key and had allowed them to start painting. They had started doing so for the past few days prior to them finding out about the additional cost. They had also told my dad not to worry about getting the rest of the stuff out of the house because they would take care of it. My dad, on a leap of faith because they hadn't even put a down payment on the house, said okay.

Now that they backed out though my dad wanted to go through absolutely everything. Master and I were not pleased at all. We went out there to help load up the truck each time they needed to drive it out to the dump. Instead we got stuck with taking down curtains and clearing out more shit.

Once my uncle and brother got back they said that they wouldn't be able to do anymore trips to the dump because it closes at 3pm. You would think someone would have checked into that before not starting the process until 1:30pm. We basically went out there for one truck load, helping my dad do things we had no intention on doing, and loading the truck again for another trip.

But since my dad took all that other shit out of the house there are at least five more trips to the dump to do and that is before they go through the basement. My dad also started yammering on about how now they need to tear down the patio because the wood is rotten and the people who just backed out of the house had told him not to worry about it. Also, now they would have to repaint everything that the other people had done. And man do they suck at painting. They didn't tape anything off. There is paint dripping down the fire places, all over light fixtures, etc and so on. My dad started talking some bullshit about suing them for the cost of having to repaint. I don't think that would get very far given the fact that he allowed them to do it with no down payment and no written contract. Moron.

As usual after that shit was done they wanted to sit around and talk for a while. But my brother, Master, and I said fuck that noise and left. My uncle also said he may need our help on Thursday (tomorrow). Master and I are pretty undecided on that. We called my uncle but didn't get an answer. If we don't get a reply tonight we will definitely say no. We are sick of this last minute shit. Honestly I think we have done more than our fair share on this shit.

We have gone down there at a moments notice to help, we spent three weeks going down there for two days of the week each time. And there was a point where I actually stayed down here for three nights in order to help with the sale just so it would be less wear and tear on the car. Then we did that yesterday, again at a moments notice.

We shall see how this turns out. Right now we are on the fence about tomorrow. As for the rest of it, I'm pretty sure we're just going to say no. They can do it themselves. It isn't so much my uncle pissing us off it is my dad. This could have all been done and over with four months ago. Now he wants to do all this work to the house because he'll have to put it on the market.

Too Much

Today is my grandfather's 75th birthday. The birthday that the doctors have been saying he wouldn't reach. They have been saying that for four months. Well, as of 3:43am he is still alive. Honestly everyone is confused as to how the hell he is still here. Apparently even the doctors don't understand. And if doctors don't understand how, there is no way we'll be able to.

Aside from that this week has been extremely stressful. Master and I are of course worried about our mutt. We won't have any sort of update until Friday. It's now Tuesday. I wish we could have answers now, but if we took him in before Friday we wouldn't be able to receive a full update as he wouldn't have had enough time on the medication. If it was possible and made sense I would move the appointment up, but it doesn't so we wait.

We have been giving him his medication as directed. The antibiotics are are real big pain to get done since it has to go in his eye and is an ointment rather than eye drops. But we do the best we can and honestly the dog is getting a little better about it. I can't blame him for being a pain when it's time to do it though. I can barely handle putting eye drops in my own eyes on the few occasions when I've had to. I know I'd be much worse about an ointment.

He is still eating, drinking, and using the bathroom normally. He still wants pets and cuddle time. He is still sleeping quite a bit but that is to be expected. His eye is still cloudy but at this point I don't know if it's 100% because of the scratch, if it's part of the healing process, or if it's because of the ointment as it is rather thick. Like I said, we won't have any answers until Friday.

He was really, really good about me putting on the new "cone of shame" last night. He still bumps into things and what not but that's to be expected. I can't say I would be too graceful with a cone around my head. But it is necessary. Thankfully he only needs it when he is left alone, which means while we are sleeping. He hasn't been left alone as in both of us left the apartment at the same time. We don't feel comfortable with that. So it only goes on at night while we are both sleeping. However, I have still been sleeping in the living room rather than in bed with Master. It's not because I don't want to be in bed with my Master. I obviously do. I love sleeping next to Him. However, right now I think it is best if I sleep in the living room where the dog is so I can hear what he is doing... just in case. Yes, I am a huge worrier. But I always have been.

Also, the move is this week. We'll be moving either Saturday or Sunday. We haven't completely figured that out because we don't know which day we can get help. Master and I can do a lot of it on our own but there are some key items that He will need help moving. It's not that I won't help Him with them it's just the pure and simple fact that they are too heavy for me to handle. Our original plan was Sunday but today Master said that if we can get the help we need on Saturday He would prefer that day. I'll find out tomorrow whether or not that is feasible.

We are starting to pack a bit more. I got enough boxes and we have two suitcases and three totes. Two of the totes don't have lids but that's not a big deal. We just won't put anything breakable in them. However today (Tuesday) I won't be home most of the day due to my having to handle some things where we will be moving to. Then on Wednesday my father needs Master's help with finally clearing out Grandpa's house. This honestly should have been done months and months ago but hey... There is nothing I could have done to speed it up.

Since I won't be home tomorrow Master will be here with the mutt and on Wednesday He'll be gone and I'll be with the mutt.

*sigh* Isn't this week done yet? 

When It Rains It Pours

Well... I thought that there was nothing else that could add to the huge pile of stress that we already have. I was wrong. Apparently our car wanted to get in on the action as well.

Thursday all of a sudden she started running really rough. (I refer to my car as a female. Hush.)  What the fuck? The check engine light wasn't on or anything so I figured I had just gotten some bad gas from the gas station. After all, it hadn't started until after I put gas in the car that day so to me that was a logical conclusion. Well, yesterday I was driving down to my mother's to help her out with some things and as I'm driving down there all of a sudden the check engine light comes on. Mother. Fucker. Thankfully I was only about 10 minutes away from my mother's so I got her there and put her in park. When I got out of the car my mom asked me why I looked pissed off. I told her and she told me to take the car up the street to the mechanic both her and my brother use and trust. Normally I only go to our mechanic up by us because I trust them. But hey, if both my mother and brother trust these people I'll go there.

Yeah. Well... It's a damn good thing I did. Holy shit. First, I would just like to say that whenever I go to "our" mechanic up here and they do an oil change they are suppose to do a 20 point inspection of the car. The place I went to yesterday also does that. I needed to get her an oil change anyway so I asked them to do that and read the code that the car was throwing that was causing the check engine light go on.

Apparently "our" mechanic wasn't doing the 20 point inspection they told me they were doing. When the mechanic I went to yesterday came out to tell me what was up he simply asked me to come back with them to where my car was. That is not a good thing. The minute a mechanic asks me to come look at our car so they can show me what is wrong I feel a knot form in my stomach.

Let's see here...

The list of all of what needed to be done and was done were the following:

• Spark plugs and wires
• PCV valve and tube
• Valve cover gasket and plenum
• Lower engine mount
• Rear watts link
• New wiper blades

Okay, so the new wiper blades were no big deal although I was annoyed because we had literally bought new ones earlier this year. Apparently they weren't very good ones since the rubber was already coming off of the damn things. 

But that's not the point. The mechanic we have always gone to, that I had trusted because they never seemed to lie to me or steer me wrong, had missed a few things. And it's not like they were small things! Some of those items, namely the rear watts link and the lower engine mount had obviously needed to be done for quite some time. And if it's obvious to me, who is not a mechanic, you would think an actual mechanic would have mentioned it before now. I'm not talking a couple of months either. I'm talking a good long while. Also, the spark plugs were so bad that you couldn't even see one of them anymore because they were flooded with oil.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

How in the hell can our mechanic miss all of that?!

The one I went to yesterday was very nice and I really appreciated the fact that he took me back to our car to show me everything because otherwise I don't think I would have believed him. I don't automatically think that mechanics are lying to me but I was just amazed that our mechanic had never mentioned any of this. And no they didn't find all of this because of car code. They did that last. This was all from the 20 point inspection that our normal mechanic is supposed to be doing every oil change but obviously hasn't been.

The mechanic I went to yesterday said flat out he was surprised that we hadn't been in an accident yet due to some of these things.

Oh, and the oil change? He threw that in for free.

Normally I would piece meal fixes because of finances but these were so dangerous that I couldn't afford not to have them done right then and there. They told me that they could get them all done that day so I got a ride back to my mother's house and left our car there to get fixed.

I called Master once I got back to my mother's house. He was pissed. Not at me or anything but at our mechanic. Not only should they have informed us of all of this but we could have been in a serious accident due to some of these and severely injured.

Needless to say we will no longer be going to what was "our" mechanic. Fuck that. It makes me wonder if they were waiting for this shit to break fully and then just replacing it then so we'd basically be in a bind and they could charge us more since it was fully broken rather than just needing to be replaced so it doesn't fully break.

We do need to get our rear brakes done soon but it wasn't an immediate need and the bill was already high (although lower than what we would have paid up here) so I put that off which the mechanic said would be fine. He said it's not an immediate concern but would need to be done sooner rather than later.

Guess what? When those get done I'm going to the mechanic I went to yesterday not the one up here. Hell I won't even take our car for an oil change there anymore. Obviously they aren't doing what they are supposed to be doing. Assholes.

Can't -vs- Won't

(Another post done after midnight... So... this is the 07/04/14 post.)

Last night I wanted to write to get some shit out of my head. However, it wasn't something that I felt comfortable blogging about. It's not inappropriate. It's not anything like that. It was just not something I wanted to share with the world wide web. And I also hate making "private" posts. You know.. The ones that you have to type a password into in order to read it. Those, to me, if you have a public blog, don't make a lot of sense. I'm not judging anyone and honestly I thought about making a "private" post to get it all out of my head because I'm faster at typing than I am writing something out by hand. But I decided against it.

I wrote it all down and then I went to soak in the tub and read for a bit just to get some tension out of my neck that has been bothering me for four days. Due to issues with my neck and shoulders it can get to the point where my neck locks in one position. Thankfully that hasn't happened yet and I am doing everything I can for it not to happen aside from getting muscle relaxers. I am trying to avoid that. Soaking in the tub can help a lot. And last night it did relieve some of the discomfort, thankfully.

Due to what I wrote down and what Master and I had been talking about the past few days I woke up this morning feeling like I needed to get something pinned down as either a definite yes or no answer.

It was very last minute but we got it figured out and it is honestly a huge weight off of my chest to know the answer.

Yes, I know I am being extremely vague but that's all I'm willing to share.

If that's the case why am I blogging about it at all. Right?

Because I can and because it is a relief. Also, I needed to do a post tonight anyway so I might as well do it about this even if I can't really go into much about it. Well, I can but I won't. And I know that Master will not be upset with me about it. We have discussed it and we both feel a bit better now. And He knows why I am being vague.

Even though I am not going into detail I honestly feel better just by typing out the little bit I have.

Waiting Sucks

I asked Master just now if I could listen to some music and do a blog post. He seemed a little surprised since I just did a post last night. The current rule is I do a blog post every other night. I'm not sure if I wanted to do a blog post just to listen to music and kill time, or what. Maybe. It's better than just drifting off and staring into nothing which I have done a couple of times already today.

I'm not depressed or anything like that. I'm just anxious and nervous about tomorrow. I got a call a couple of days ago about tomorrow. The whole family is going out to Grandpa's house so my father and my uncle can discuss some things with everyone. About what? No clue. That's how my dad is though. If he makes plans to meet up with someone face to face to talk with them he doesn't tell them what it's about. If you ask, he just says we'll discuss it in person. And it's not like he's doing that with just me, he's not telling anyone what subject(s) will be discussed.

Up until today I've been pretty collected about waiting. But now that it's closer I'm starting to get anxious and drifting off to think about absolutely nothing just to try and keep my mind as blank as possible. I don't really want to walk in there tomorrow with any preconceived notions but that's kind of hard to do.

On the bright side I haven't cried in a few days. Every now and again I've shed some tears since this all started with Grandpa about a month ago. Emotions are high. Stress is high. I jump when the phone rings. I think Master has been jumping when it rings too because He's right on it after the first ring. Normally we are rather casual about the phone ringing. But for the past month one or both of us are jumping it as soon as the first ring starts. Basically we're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'll be visiting Grandpa on Tuesday with my mom. I have to be in town that day for a data entry test for a possible job and so I wanted to stop in and say hi to him. My mom just wants to come with me as I feel somewhat uncomfortable going by myself. Not because it's Grandpa but because... Well... I just am.

I had a dream the night before I went to visit him earlier this week that I was sitting in his hospital room with him and we were talking away and the next thing I know he rests his head on the pillow, closes his eyes, and the heart monitor goes flat.

Anyway.. back to tomorrow... I already know that I'm going to be highly uncomfortable being at that house without Grandpa being there. I'm worried that it'll feel like he's already gone, even though he's not. I felt that way as a kid when I would go visit my grandfather while my grandmother was in the hospital. It felt like she was already gone because she wasn't at the house. I was 9 back then. But here I am at 31 and worried about that sensation happening all over again.

I'm glad that Master will be with me. He's already told me that He's pretty much just going to be my shadow. He says this is family business. Don't worry, He knows He's family but He feels that this is something that is more for direct blood family. He was actually surprised by the fact my dad had invited Him out. Our family sees Him as family, the blood doesn't really play into it. We all want Him just as updated as the rest of us are.

I feel a little better after typing that all out. Still a bit anxious, but not as much as I was when I first started the post. I also think the music helps. It floods through me and it's always been something I use to either enhance or control my emotions. Right now I'm letting it wash over me so that my brain has something else to focus on. And I need something heavy right now. For instance as this exact moment I'm listening to "American Witch" by Rob Zombie.

It may seem odd that I need something heavy given the subject at hand. But heavy music helps me focus. It clears my mind. I don't want anything emotional right now. So heavy it is!

Coin Toss

Not a lot to report from the past two days. Yesterday we went out to lunch with Master's dad which was fun. Today it was actually warm enough for us to sit outside for a little while. Other than that... Well... that's about it actually. I haven't been feeling well these past two days. My stomach has been working quite a number on me. Yesterday it was like one minute I was fine and the next minute I felt like absolute hell. Thankfully I was able to get my body to chill out long enough to go out to lunch with Master and my father-in-law. From that point on I was mostly touch and go. I ended up not only taking a nap on the couch but going to bed early last night. My body just wasn't having it. Today I've felt mostly fine. Just a few little moments of not feeling well. And again I took a nap on the couch. I hate it. It's not like I'm not getting enough sleep. That is definitely not an issue. For whatever reason when I'm not feeling well my body wants to do nothing but sleep.

Now I'm feeling fine again. I think earlier today it was basically the tail end of my not feeling well yesterday. It always seems to trickle into the next day, doesn't it?

I think a lot of it has to do with stress. Yes, my stomach can mess with me pretty badly when I'm stressed. Hell, all of my body does. And honestly I think I have been handling all of this extremely well. But that doesn't stop my body from acting up every now and then.

The really stupid thing is that nothing has changed. It's not like the stress has gotten more intense. There hasn't been anything added to the weight sitting on my shoulders. That isn't to say that it is all on my shoulders. It's not. It's just the phrase I'm using right now because I can't think of a better one or a more accurate one.

I think it's just been on my mind more the past couple of days because I've been waiting on a phone call from the place I had a phone interview with last Monday. I had been told I would hear from them within the following five business days if they were interested. I didn't hear from them so yesterday I shot off an e-mail to the person I had talked to last Monday. No response. So I'm figuring that it's not going to go anywhere. I still have the test on the 29th for the 911 operator. If I pass that test there will be other ones but at least it's a start.

I'm tossing my resume out and waiting. It's driving me crazy. I've "only" been unemployed for a little over a month but I have this anxious feeling on and off. I haven't been unemployed since I was 20 years old. Well, that's not entirely true. I was unemployed for a year and a half because I was going to college. And even then I wasn't really unemployed for part of it because I was stripping for a while.

So being unemployed for this long is really fucking with me. Especially when I think about things that we both want to get rolling but they are impossible until I get a job. A lot of things just aren't financially feasible. Hell, when I was working things were tight and we'd have to do a lot of tweaking with our finances in order to do anything fun. Now? Yeah.. no chance in hell.

Master knows that I'm stressed and since none of it is new it would all just be a broken record. There is an update with my grandfather, which I did tell Master.

My grandpa has been talking to my grandmother, who passed away 20 years ago, for a few years now. But for the past few weeks it is getting a lot more frequent. And it's not just a couple of sentences like it was before. Now he is having full on conversations. He will sit in his recliner and look over to the couch that she use to sit in next to him and talking away, having a back and forth conversation. I only know this because of my dad and my uncle being out there so frequently. He'll get mad at them for interrupting her when she is talking. He'll tell them that she is in the kitchen so if they want anything go ahead and ask her.

That may sound outrageous. But no, I don't think he's losing his mind. I think he feels her there. I think she may in fact be there waiting so she can help him go peacefully when it's time. She is probably trying to comfort him. You can call me crazy. You can think I'm nuts. But that is my belief. When I told Master all of this He agreed with me. This makes us both think that it's not too long now.

I want to go out there. Maybe I can do it under the guise of helping out my dad or my uncle clean up the house or something. I don't want it to come across as my wanting to see him one last time. After all he doesn't want people out there anyway, so if I go out there to help with something I think it'll go more smoothly. On the other hand I'm scared to go. I remember how much I broke down when he had his first heart attack. It was before I met Master and obviously it was before I was medicated and I was much younger back then. I know I can keep it under wraps while I'm there. But I'm afraid of how much of a mess I'll be after I leave. Or maybe I won't be. Maybe I'll feel more at peace. It's a coin toss. But it's not really about me. It's about my grandfather. Which is also why I keep going back and forth as to whether or not I should go. He doesn't want anyone out there but I want to see him.

I'll have to call my dad and see what he thinks. The worst that could happen is I go out there to visit and Grandpa tells me to leave. That may sound harsh, but like I said he doesn't want anyone out there unless it's necessary. He has kicked my dad and my uncle out before as soon as they are done doing whatever they are out there to do. I also don't want to go out there by myself. I mean Master would go too, but I think that if my dad was there too it would help. That way I can say I'm there to help dad do whatever around the house.

We'll see. I'll probably call my dad tomorrow.

Dealing

As of today I have been officially unemployed for one week. I know it sounds stupid but I am seriously having to ask what day of the week it is every now and then.

I haven't heard anything from the place I had an interview with on Monday. I haven't given up hope but I'm also not holding my breath. I am continuing to apply to jobs.

But I really wish the stress would stop piling up. I called unemployment yesterday to make sure they had received the fax I sent on Tuesday. They did receive it and apparently they also received a response from my former employer. That honestly surprised me. I was a little worried that they would drag their feet a bit. I don't think they are going to fight it. At least not based on what they told me when they let me go. So I asked the unemployment person I was talking to how long it would take for unemployment to decide whether or not I'm eligible. Three weeks was their reply. Three fucking weeks. I honestly wasn't expecting it to take that long. I panicked a little bit after I got off the phone.

Then Master reminded me how long it took when He applied a long time ago. Honestly I had pushed that out of my mind because His former employer had fought it and so it had to go to court and the finally He was approved.

Later on in the day I spoke with my mom and she told me that when she had applied, which again was quite some time ago, it took them five weeks. But again her former employer had fought it. She didn't have to go to court though because unemployment decided she was eligible regardless of what her former employer had said.

Both Master and my mother said that if I get anymore paperwork from unemployment I need to fill it out and fax it to them that same day so the process isn't stretched out any longer than it has to be. I'm just hoping they don't need any further paperwork that requires a reply and it doesn't take the full three weeks. The good thing is that if they decide that I am eligible that they will back pay me to my first weekly claim, which would be this week when I file on Sunday.

But that wasn't the only stress that I had yesterday. My grandfather is in the hospital. He is 74 and has had a bad heart for a long time. In fact the bottom part of his heart is dead. It doesn't do anything. He only has two working arteries and they have been blocked up several times. He's had four triple bypass surgeries over the years and has a pace maker. Yesterday his pace maker wasn't doing him any good. His heart was racing and they couldn't get it to slow down. They put him on blood thinners and were also trying to handle the other things that were going wrong. His body is attacking it's own organs and are actually trying to reject them.

A normal heart beat rate for an adult male is 70. By the time they had him on blood thinners for over four hours his heart had slowed down to 155. They apparently actually shocked his heart but that didn't do much either. They ran a shit ton of tests and still aren't sure what is going on.

My mom gave me another update later on in the evening and things hadn't really improved. The only thing that did change was that he basically kicked out my father and my uncle (his sons) telling them to go out and take care of his dog. He was more worried about his dog than himself. He wanted to be alone.

I haven't received any updates yet today. I plan on calling my mom a little bit later in the afternoon to see what is going on and if there have been any changes. I'm actually a little pissed that my dad didn't call me. So it was left to my mom to do so. This shouldn't be very shocking. That's how it normally happens. My dad does not deal well with this kind of thing at all, so he basically tells one person and then it has to go through the grape vine. This time it was my uncle, who then told my mother and brother, who then in turn told me. This is how it's been every time Grandpa ends up in the hospital.

I teared up a bit when my mom was telling me all of this. But now it's just a waiting game. They either figure out what is fully going on and can treat him and get things as close to normal as they can... or they say there is nothing they can do but keep him comfortable and let nature take it's course.

This may sound very cold but honestly I think I'm handling the stress pretty damn well. I haven't had any sudden mood changes. I haven't become depressed. I have been sleeping a bit more but I think that has more to do with the fact that my body is shutting down so I can deal with the stress in a more healthy fashion when I am awake.

And by I think I'm handling it well I'm not just referring to my grandfather. I'm also including the whole being fired and worried about unemployment as well. I'm a little surprised. I was worried that it would topple me into a deep dark depression but none of it has. One domino after another and I'm still standing on my own two feet and working through it the best I can. Master has been keeping a very close eye on me, which I understand. I think He is worried that the next domino may push me over the edge. I also think that He is surprised none of them have done so yet.

So now I wait on pins and needles about everything. My grandfather, finding a job, and seeing what the hell unemployment is going to do.

Legit

Sometimes stress gets to me more than usual. Today, while I was at work, that happened. Stress just came along and bitch slapped me. Yes, it was legitimate. This wasn't me overreacting.

It happened right before my lunch break. Once I got on my lunch break I messaged back and forth with Master for the majority of my break. He knew I wasn't overreacting. I didn't even have to ask. I knew this one was legit. He kept me calm though. Well, He calmed me down a little anyway. I definitely didn't start off calm. I wasn't freaking out or anything I just wasn't calm. I was pissed off and upset at the same time. I hate that. As if one of them wasn't bad enough there had to be a combo! *sigh*

I told Him that all I wanted to do was come home and curl up on His lap while He sat in His recliner. Things like that make me feel better. Anything with a lot of physical contact. And I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about being held, cuddling, etc. Sometimes a massage will make me jello to the point where I just don't even think for a while, which is nice. Him brushing my hair is soothing as well.

I'm not asking to be spoiled. I'm just saying those are the things that really help.

By the time I got home I had calmed down almost completely. It's not that I don't notice that stress anymore because I do. It's just one of those things where I don't feel overwhelmed by it right now. So when I got home I got a big hug and that's all I really needed.

Hurry Up & Wait

Well, I didn't get to update my post from yesterday. There was just way too much shit going on. It was a lot of trying to figure out how to get shit done. It was a long damn day. It will sound stupid as hell but I actually kind of wished I had been at work yesterday. Not because I like being at work. But because then none of the stress of yesterday would have happened and I wouldn't have to make up the time at work.

I know it was another day off of work, but it didn't feel like it. Not at all. It's not like I got to relax. It was a lot of hurry up and wait. That whole getting the battery from the store and having them install it for free idea went out the window. It just didn't make much sense to begin with. I was kind of freaking out at the moment. The reason I called them in the first place is because I thought I still had a warranty, so while that would have made the most sense it turned out not to be true anyway.

Once that was determined I gave up on the idea rather quickly. So, when the mechanic shop I go to opened I called them. They told me how much it would be and honestly it wasn't going to be that much more, including labor.

While I was on the phone with them I asked if they could maybe come down and jump start my car and I would follow them back. They apologized but they were booked fucking solid and couldn't afford to send any of their employees. I didn't get mad or anything. I understood. They have always been straight up with me and treated me well as a customer.

I then called around and got a hold of a place that does nothing but jump starts, unlocking car doors, and things like that. They told me it would be a 3 hour wait for someone to get to my place because of how back logged they were due to the cold. Made sense. So I said that was fine and asked them to just call me when they got here.

Right before the 3 hour mark was going to click by I got a phone call that they were outside by my car. So I went out there and they tried to jump start my car. They tried three different things. They tried doing it off their car. That didn't work. So they tried it off a jump start battery pack. No dice. Then they tried a different jump start battery that was stronger. Nope. Fuck me running.

They only charged me $10 for coming out here and trying. I thought that was more than fair.

Now I just had to try and find a different way to get my car down there. I called around to different tow truck companies but either they were too far out, they were way too expensive, or they would only tow me to their own shop rather than the shop I wanted to go to.

I called the mechanic again and they gave me the number to a tow truck company they recommend. I called them and they were the cheapest. They also didn't make it seem like I was bothering them, unlike most of the places I had called before.

They told me they were swamped due to all the breakdowns and told me they should be there in 2 hours. Okay.

While I was waiting I called my brother and asked him to come up. I did that just in case for some reason the car didn't get a new battery that day because ya know, shit fucking happens. I apologized over and over again because it's a long drive for him to get up here. He said it was fine.

He got here before the tow truck did. We hung out for a little while and when the 2 1/2 hour mark ticked by I called the tow truck company. They told me it was going to be another 1 1/2 hours. I got a little cranky because while I understand that they are swamped I would expect a better time quote or at least a courtesy call letting me know they were running behind

So another 2 hours go by and they finally get here. I was worried though because they got here at 5pm and the shop I go to closes at 6pm. At that time I was glad I had called my brother because it seemed like the car was going to have to wait until tomorrow. My brother drove me to the shop so I wouldn't have to ride with the tow truck driver and I wouldn't have to sit down there by myself.

When we got there the shop was jam packed. There were only three parking spots left. My brother pulled into one of them. The tow truck wasn't that far behind us thankfully.

The shop actually put me ahead as a priority because most people weren't picking up their cars until the next day. So they took a car out of the bay and put mine in. We sat there for about 45 minutes. It was actually past their close time by the time everything was said and done.

They had checked my alternator and my starter just to be on the safe side and thankfully they were both fine. I don't want to even guess what that repair bill would have been. The car needed a new battery obviously. But she also needed a battery cable extended, so they had to wait on that. She also needed a new battery housing because I guess the one that was in there was in pretty rough shape.

What was awesome was that they only charged me for the battery and labor. Sweet! I drove my car back and my brother followed me. He stayed the night just to be on the safe side. I ended up going to bed rather early. It had felt like an incredibly long day.

When I got up this morning to go to work my brother got up too. He wanted to make sure my car started. And she did! She started just fine and right away. I was a bit surprised when I was sitting in the car waiting for her to warm up and I saw my brother walking to his car. I opened my window and asked what was up. He said he was just going to head on home because he knew I was all good to go and his knee was really bothering him.

I can't blame him. He dropped everything at the drop of a dime to come help me out and even stayed the night to make sure I could get to work in the morning. He pisses me off sometimes and I don't like who he is dating but he is a good brother and I love him.

Although I won't be going into work on Saturday. I've decided to just work 10 hour work days the rest of the work week so I can have my entire weekend. It's rough but I'd rather do that than only have one full day off of work.

Stress Relief

Today was extremely stressful for me. It had snowed most of the day yesterday but it wasn't snowing this morning and when I looked outside the streets seemed pretty clear. Just a little bit of slush. I left for work at 6:50am. Normally when I leave at that time I'll get to work a little after 7:30am. I start at 8am so I get there every day about a half hour early. I like to make sure that I get to work on time and preferably early even if I'm not clocking in early. Why? Well, the traffic is usually better for one. Another is that I hate being late to work. It makes my day seemed so damned rushed and makes me feel anxious. Well today I didn't get to work until 8:17am. So a drive that normally takes me 40 minutes took me a hour and twenty fucking minutes.

The roads were mostly clear. It was just slush, like I said. I was still driving carefully, don't get me wrong there. But after a certain point it all became gridlocked. The interstate was extremely backed up. It didn't make any sense.

Well apparently at the exact exit I needed there was an accident. What was stupid was that both cars were in the emergency lane. There was no glass. It looked like one slammed on their brakes and the other didn't stop in time. So how does one small ass accident like that back up the entire west bound side of the interstate?! Who the fuck knows.

I was pissed by the time I got to work and clocked in. Like I said I hate being late to work. And sure as shit I felt rushed as hell. I literally spend the entire last four and a half hours of my work day working on three fucking things. Why? Because my supervisor was riding my ass about it. I'm already back logged and now you want me to strictly concentrate on three things and three things only? Fuck you very much.

But I set it all aside and kept him updated. I kept him updated to the point that I actually think I was annoying him a little bit. But hey.. you told me to keep you updated so here ya go! Plus I was covering my own ass. So yeah.

The drive home was better but I still had a couple of stops to make which seemed to take forever when in fact they didn't take long at all.

When I finally walked in the door I got a great big hug from Master and I immediately smiled. That didn't stop me from venting though. *laughs* It's not like He minded. He knows I need to vent and encourages it so that I don't try and keep it bottled up without meaning to.

As the night has gone on I feel much more relaxed. I've been goofing around with Him and we've been laughing. I love unwinding with Him. He knows how to make me laugh and honestly allows me to get away with just a little bit more, in so far as picking on Him, when He knows I've had a really rough day.

Scramble

Things seem to be going so well, and then something has to come along and *bam* Something has to ruin it.

The car had literally just started making loud noises while braking about four days ago. At first I just figured ice and crud had gotten under there. But when it didn't go away... yeah. Master told me to take the car in as soon as possible. Well they close at 6pm and I don't even get down to our place until 5:30pm when I'm coming home from work. So I figured I would just take the car in Saturday and see what the hell was up. Yeah.. well yesterday on the way to work the noise was significantly worse. So I called the mechanic to see if they could just take a peek at it for me. They closed at 6pm so I got there in time for them to take a look at her. Well, she needed front brake pads and rotors. If it had just been the pads it wouldn't have been that big of a deal but rotors too? Fuck.

That means juggling some shit. And they told me that she would not be safe to drive to my job tomorrow (meaning today) because there was a very good chance that the brakes would seize up. That's not good. We only have the one car and none of our friends or family live around here. So how the hell was I going to pull this off?

I couldn't take off work. I'm out of time. I mean if I had to I had to. I'd rather be breathing and not total the car thank you very much. But Master and I were worried about it. My job has a huge thing about going over your allotted time for the year. I had called my mom to tell her what was going on because I was kind of freaking out and needed to vent a bit aside from venting completely on Master. About 10 minutes after I got off the phone with her my brother called me. (He lives upstairs from our mother.)

He immediately said that I could use his car to get to and from work. I was wondering how the fuck that was going to work given the fact that he lives 45 minutes away and there was no way for us to drive our car down there and then follow each other up. The brakes weren't good enough to drive to and from my job they definitely weren't up to driving down to my brother's and back.

He told me that if he could crash at our place he would bring up the car that night and then I would just take his car to work and back and then he would take his car home. Fuck yeah! So he crashed here last night. And while I was at work Master oh so very carefully drove the car down to the mechanic's shop. They gave Him and my brother a ride back to our place and they picked them up when the car was done so He could pay the bill and all that.

Driving my brother's car was fucking weird. It's very touchy which I had to get use to. Our car responds really well but my brother's was touchy. When I got home from work I parked his car and we ate dinner together before he headed home.

And now that car's brakes are done. There are a couple of rather expensive things that they pointed out we'll want to get taken care of in the near future. That's is going to be one of those things where we have to save up for first. But at least the immediate concern is taken care of and she is once again safe to drive.

Gut Feeling

I know. I've been absent for two days. There is a reason. You know Master doesn't normally allow me to skip two days in a row. But after what happened on Friday He understood why I just wanted to basically do as little as possible aside from relaxing and tossing out job applications.

So, Friday... Yeah. Not a good day at all. I go to work and as I walk in the door I had a feeling something was wrong. You know those gut feelings people get? It was one of those. But I figure maybe it's just me working myself up because of how the rest of the week had gone. Nope, as usual, my gut feeling was right on target. I started work early just so I could just try and catch up a little bit more than usual. But then a little before 10am HR calls my work phone and asks me to come to her office. Fuck.

I was very polite and said that I would be right there. As I open the door the HR lady was there, my brand spanking new supervisor was there, and so was the supervisor that is helping him learn the ropes of how management works there. See? He is still so green that he has another supervisor with him at all times unless he is in his office.

Again, my gut turned. I sat down and I saw a piece of paper in my supervisor's hand and a piece of paper turned upside down on HR's desk. I felt like I was going to be sick.

And then my supervisor just started going down a list of shit I have done wrong. I'll admit that some of it was valid. Others were just nitpicking, like he had been doing to me since he took over as supervisor. I'm not perfect. I'm not a robot. I make mistakes. Also, I've been so fucking slammed that I haven't been able to keep up like I normally do and they do not allow overtime right now. I also know for a fact that my case load is bigger than anyone's in the department.

They ask me why. I had already started to cry. I hate crying in front of people. I find it embarrassing and it pisses me off after the fact. They then brought up the fact that my previous supervisor had gone over this with me in my review. Um. No he didn't. Yes, he pointed out some things that I needed to work on but they were not overly specific. They were actually rather vague. Never mind my review was a little over four months late and I had no reminders or little, "Hey could you do it this way?" before my review. None.

And the ones they were bringing up now were not mentioned at all in my review. Also, their policy is to have a verbal warning and they have to tell you it's a verbal warning, then a written one, and then finally termination. With this they went straight to the written one.

Also, I'm fucking working on 160 files a day if not more. My list on Monday was over 200. And you want to bitch at me for 5? You don't want to praise me all on absolutely anything. You'd rather jump down my fucking throat about 5 files.

I signed their damn piece of paper and went back to work. And guess what happened after my lunch break which was only two hours after my written warning meeting happened? My supervisor sends me an e-mail about how to do something else, that again was not brought up in the review or the written warning, and was bitching. Meanwhile in the written warning he told me that he wants me to succeed and so did the HR lady. What the fuck?

The rest of the day I fucking busted tail. Nose to the fucking grind. And I still wasn't able to complete everything.

I did say, during the written warning meeting, that I have been having a lot of rush files both by management and from clients to the point that it takes me most of the day to get rush files done and as a result cannot work on anything else. They brushed it off like it was salt on their shoulder. Seriously.

When I came home I was still very upset. Master hugged me and just told me to just keep doing my job the best I can and toss out a fuck ton of job applications. And I have. I tossed out 23 yesterday alone. It may have been more than that actually but I know it was at least 23. And I did some more this morning.

It did dawn on me that they are trying to push me out and make me quit. Not going to happen. They are trying to make me quit so that I am less likely to get unemployment. Well fuck you very much. I won't quit unless I find a different job first.

As I was tossing out job applications yesterday (I've done it Friday, Saturday, and today.) I remembered how about four months ago we had seven people be fired back to back. They were all people who had worked there a long time and two of them were from my department alone. And that doesn't count how many people quit due to the bullshit going on. Hell the two girls in my department were fired on the same fucking day within 30 minutes of each other. So, now aside from the two trainers and the person who assigns the case load in our department I'm the only one who has been working there for more than 2 years. And it's been that way since April. I'm quickly coming up on 5 years. It'll be 5 years in March. I do think they just want to replace me with fresh blood so they can pay them less and don't have to give me an extra 5 days of vacation time, which I know takes money out of their pockets since that will give me 15 days that I will get paid for and not there working.

So, I'm worried as fuck that I may not find a job before I am "let go". I have never, ever been fired from a job. And I have never quit a job without having found a new one first. As a result, I have never collected unemployment.

I am, admittedly, being less picky about what I apply to. When I was just looking and not all that worried I was a lot more picky about where I applied figuring I could be. Well, now I can't afford to be. I mean I can't take a huge pay cut. But I took a $3.00 pay cut to leave my last job to come work for these guys and that was because my last job, at the time, was cutting a lot of people and I figured it was time to jump ship before it was too late. I'm there right now. I feel like a rat that needs to leave a sinking ship. Desperate times call for desperate measures and all that. I'm just hoping and praying that I find a new job soon.

Continuation

Today, apparently, is just a continuation of yesterday's bullshit. Hell, maybe it even stepped up it's game to make yesterday seem like it wasn't all that bad.

Today just kept the punches coming, that's for damn sure. You know my medication is working when I know damn well I would have completely broken down without it. Don't get me wrong, I am in fact stressed out. Not as bad as it could be. But it's there.

It started with Master having to drive all over hell and creation. He had to take me to work because He needed the car. Then while I was at work He had to do the things He needed to do, which of course were in the middle of the day. Then He had to pick me up.

So, lets see here. He had to drive me out 45 minutes and then another 45 minutes back home. He had to wait about 4 1/2 hours before He could go where He needed to go. So let's say that was another 60 minutes worth of driving round trip. Once that was done it was too early to come pick me up. Then He's sitting at home for about 3 hours before coming to get me.

As I said, He drove all over hell and creation. And, to add to that, His appointment didn't go well at all.

I had a shit day at work. I was busting my ass, even more so than usual. So I was tired and just sore. But then add to the fact that 40 minutes before I clock out my fucking supervisor sends me an e-mail asking me why such-and-such wasn't done. So I take a look at what he's talking about and I got pissed. Why? Because I'm not behind on it at all and in fact it wasn't on my to do list until tomorrow. So why the fuck are you bugging me about it today, let alone at the end of my day.

So I said fuck it, I'll work on it tomorrow.

By the time Master and I were in the car to go home neither of us were in that good of a mood. He vented and I vented. We didn't fight. We didn't get pissy with each other. We were just venting about outside things pissing us the hell off.

We decided to try and make it easier on ourselves and just get fast food for dinner. Yeah. That didn't turn out that great either. It took forever to get the food and then when we got home the fries were just warm and the burgers were pretty much the same. Great. We just paid for lukewarm food.

There we are eating and go to turn on Netflix and for whatever fucked up reason they completely revamped how their set-up is and it is fucking ugly, difficult to navigate through, and just something we don't even really want anymore. We don't have cable, which is why we were using Netflix to begin with. And aside from Netflix there is no other service that allows streaming of both movies and TV shows. It's either one or the other. I want both otherwise it's not worth my time.

I called to see how much it would cost to add cable to our phone and internet package and it's actually not as badly priced as I thought it would be. But we want time to think about it. Master has never wanted cable mainly because He hates commercials and He doesn't think He'll use enough of the channels in order to warrant having cable. *shrugs* We'll figure something out one way or another.

All that put both of us in an even worse mood. What a lovely way to spend a Thursday. Right now we are both decompressing and trying to salvage the rest of the night.

Mother of Hell

The past two days it seems that absolutely nothing can go right. Not one damn thing.

Yesterday my supervisor called me into his office. That's not good. And once I walked in he told me to close the door. That's not good either. So I did and then sat down. He looked at me and asked me why I am behind on my work. Um. I'm not really all that behind. I'm behind by one week and that's only on certain files and it's only because I'm not getting the information I need from our client. So... yeah. I of course wasn't snarky about it but I informed him of all that on top of the fact that I keep getting rush files. As a result, that would push other things on the back burner and sometimes those rush files take me all fucking day. Oh, did I mention that we aren't allowed to do overtime? Yeah. That one I didn't bring up. He knows we're not allowed to do overtime.

It wasn't so much the why he did it, it was the way he did it. He was condescending as hell. Ya know, I don't have a problem working under someone who is younger than me. I really don't. I'm 30 and this guy is 26. There really isn't a large age gap. But he was talking to me like I was a fucking child. Never mind when he first started at the company I helped him learn the fucking ropes. And then he brings up the fact that he spoke with my old supervisor about me. What the fuck? And I guess my old supervisor told him that I have been behind before shortly after my work anniversary. So dude asked me why.

Well, lets see here. I took a couple of days off to celebrate my wedding anniversary. My car broke down twice and each time she did I was out of work for three days. I had to take time off for health reasons. But the key thing to all of this is my old supervisor knew all of this because I made sure to explain it to him. And he just happens to forget to tell him that part? I also brought up the fact that no one was able to assist me on my case load because everyone else was just as swamped since two people were "let go" on the same day so we were all picking up that slack as well.

When this whole bullshit conversation was done he ends it with, "Well, I just wanted to hear what you had to say about it." He then motioned to the door, silently telling me I can leave his office.

His little fucking attitude continued today. I do my damn job and I do it well. Yes, I get behind sometimes but maybe if I didn't have a shit ton on my desk every single day and was allowed to do overtime this wouldn't happen.

Whatever.

Then today I get a phone call about a job application I filled out yesterday. Of course they called while I was clocked in, literally right after my lunch break. I figured that if I waited to call back when I got home their office would be closed. Instead I clocked out at the end of the day 10 minutes early so I could return the call. I got a hold of her.

I had applied to an office assistant posting. I asked what the pay rate was. She told me it was base plus commission. Um. Wait. Commission for an office assistant? I asked if it was a sales job. She said no, that it's a marketing job. I was confused and told her that I had applied for an office assistant job and it had said nothing about commission. She then explained how marketing and commission is somehow connected to their office assistant position. It sounded kind of shady and I was irritated. I don't do commission jobs. Ever. I can't sell worth a damn and all of my experience is office work, call center, and customer service.

I made the appointment for the interview though so I could give myself a little time to think on it without possibly missing the opportunity. But the more I think about it the more it sounds like a bad idea. All these little warning lights keep popping up in my head. I told Master about it when I got home and He also had little warning lights going off in His head. I'll be cancelling the interview. It's a long drive just to maybe feel okay with the possibility of getting the job. It sounds like to much of a risk. The minute commission comes up I immediately want to back away from it because I know sales/marketing is not my strong point. And that's not what I applied for.

During that little talk Master was washing the dishes and I was drying them. All of a sudden He stopped and looked down. Some how His feet were getting wet. Fuck me running. One of the pipes had leaked the entire time and it finally started to slip through the bottom of the cabinet below the sink.

We pulled everything out from under there, Master cleaned up the water, and now we have a bucket under it. It's only one side of the sink. The other side doesn't leak at all. So we'll be using that side only until it gets fixed.

*sigh* This week sucks ass.

One Thing After Another

Today was one of those days where if it wasn't one thing it was another. Work started off shitty. Supervisor breathing down my neck about shit at fucking 8am this morning. Never mind it was already on my to-do list for the day (which he can see by the way) and isn't even behind! So it was a really shitty way to start the day. Walk in and first thing I see is an e-mail from him about that shit.

Then there were other random things at work through out the day that just made my head spin. It wasn't a full on Linda Blair moment but still.

Then on the way out to the car to go home I notice that the rear driver's side tire is low. What the fuck? I just put air in it two weeks ago. So I stop and put air in the damn thing again. I drop off the passenger in my carpool and then call my mechanic. I tell him what is going on with it and it's only a half hour until their closing time but I still asked if I could stop in. They said sure thing.

So I called Master and told Him what was going on. I get to the mechanic's shop and I am literally just getting out of my car and walking inside to give them my keys when I notice one of the mechanics walking out and heading straight to my car. So I double back and hand him the keys and he already knew what needed to be checked.

Well, it had a leaking valve stem. Fun. They replaced it for my and double checked the other three tires, which thankfully are fine.

So I got home about a half hour late. And guess what came in the mail today? Our lease renewal agreement. And guess what? The rent went up. Fucking hell. As if we weren't already overpaying for where we are, now we get to pay more! Hooray! So we'll be signing that and dropping it off on Friday.

Joy.

I watched a little TV with Master before hopping online and doing some job hunting. While I'm doing that my brother calls to bitch about our dad. Okay.. I listened to him for a good 15 minutes and then he had to go. As soon as I put the phone down my mother calls. Grand Central, how may I direct your call?

She was calling with some tips about job hunts that her and my aunt had discussed. It was nice of her and I appreciate it. I really do. But after how today went and the fact that I was literally in the middle of job hunting and had just hung up with my brother.. it was just bad timing. I wasn't a bitch or anything but I'm sure I sounded short with her.

Oh well. She knows how stressed out I am and understands. She didn't sound mad or upset. She let me go after about 10 minutes on the phone. So now I'm knocking this post out before taking my shower. I was able to toss out four job applications before all the phone calls hit though. So at least that much.

Hormones

This weekend has been a whole lot of not much. It's been one of those things where we wanting nothing but breathing room this weekend. Which we got. But we also couldn't really think of anything to do that sounded good at the time. So we've mainly sat around the apartment. In a way, I've enjoyed it because I feel like I needed it. On the other hand it's been kind of boring at certain points.

I know Master agrees because we were talking about it last night. But maybe boring is what my mind needed. I do feel better today. I don't feel so spread out and worn the fuck out. I have a feeling that it'll come back during the work week but at least I'm getting a small break from it.

Master told me last night that I've just looked absolutely worn out. He said that I haven't been smiling and laughing as usual and I'm more of just a bump on the couch. He said He understands why and that He isn't mad about it. He just wishes there was more He could do then to just try to cheer me up and help me relax.

But it's like I told Him there isn't really anything to do about it. It won't really get better until after I get a different job. I don't really see any other way of breaking this. Which is why I've been searching for jobs like crazy and refining my resume.

Last night around 1:30am I asked Master if we could go to bed and talk because the light in the living room was started to bother my eyes. So we did.

We did actually talk for a good 20 minutes before I basically couldn't help myself and reached under the sheets to start playing with His dick. Of course that kicked things off and we had amazing sex. It hurt. But it felt amazing at the same time. I'm actually surprised that I didn't start cramping afterward.

That may have part of the reason why I feel better today. Sex. Not only does sex feel great and is obviously fun to do but it does release certain hormones into your body that can help relieve stress and depression. Now, I've said it before I'm not depressed but I have been down, so those hormones would help.

And I think they have. I'm glad I've been able to unwind so much today.

Flood Warning

Have you ever had one of those days where something seems wrong but you don't know what? By wrong, I mean with how you're feeling. I feel off. Master has commented on it. He's asked me what is wrong. I honestly have no idea. So I thought that maybe rambling on with the blog post for a while may or may not help. Sometimes writing will bring shit to light in my brain. So.. I've got my blog post going and music in my ear buds. Let's see if this helps.

Since my review last week I have felt very off at work. I feel.. nervous I guess. After four years I didn't expect this bullshit. Especially when it's obvious that they are picking every little action apart and expecting me to be 100% all of the time. I'm human mother fucker. And the small stuff I'm behind on is exactly that. Small. I am behind on that so I can keep the important shit on time. You're the ones who lost three people in the department and haven't replaced any of them. Two of them you people fired. So hello... Also? I'm the only one in my entire department who does what I do. Literally. Everyone else works on other shit. You fired the other girl who did the same kind of work I do.

Oh, and another thing that makes me slightly nervous is that since those last two people who got fired from my department I'm not the longest running analyst in that entire department if you don't include my supervisor and trainer.

Everyone else has only been there for a year and a half or less. I can't believe I didn't realize that until just now. Yeah, that makes me nervous too. Maybe they want all fresh blood so they can pay them less. They fired the last two, one quit, and now I feel like I'm being purposefully scared at work in the hopes that I'll quit. Or maybe they are just doing it so I won't make any waves about anything at all, let alone my bullshit raise.

So I've had that gut feeling that I need to get while the going is good. I've been tossing my resume around more and more. So far nothing, but it's only been a week since I've been more than just passively browsing job postings. I know something will come along. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

It also feels like I'm taking one step forward and being forcefully being knocked back five. It's one thing on top of another lately.

I didn't talk about some of it here on the blog, because I'm slightly embarrassed by it. But fuck it.. who cares.

It started with the car. She needed just under $500 tossed at her because something went wrong with the transmission. That came right after the fact that I took three extra days off work just for the fuck of it. Well, that little fiasco caused me to take another three days off.

After that it was quiet for a little while. Not long. But for a little while. Next came the part I was slightly embarrassed about. One of my teeth completely broke off. It's gone. The tooth was dead so it didn't hurt but it's a blow to the vanity I guess. It's visible. Master reassured me over and over again that it's not obvious and that I'm still beautiful. I know He means it. I know He's not blowing smoke up my ass. And I appreciate that. I really needed to hear that at the time.

Well, there is more time off for the dentist. And to add insult to injury I couldn't get it fixed. My insurance didn't cover enough of it and the cost is just fucking astronomical. So that's on the back burner right now.

Again, it went quiet for a short period of time. Then the car acted up again. I had taken in her for her oil change and they needed to do a quick fix on her because she was leaking power steering fluid all over the damn place.

A little more time off of work. But then the following Monday came around and she just wasn't right. Something was still very wrong. Yep. Sure as shit. The quick fix wasn't enough. New rack and pinnon and both outer tie rods. Not good. Very unsafe actually.

A day and a half off work right there. And almost another $500 plopped into the car.

So. Much. Fun.

So now, I'm only four months into this work anniversary year and I'm already down to five hours of personal time. All of my vacation days are gone. Three of them because I wanted to and the rest were either due to the car or due to my teeth.

Same with the personal time. I'd say only about 10 of those hours were because I wanted to and the rest went to the car and my teeth. The teeth took more than one day because I was trying to find another place that would maybe be cheaper. That didn't happen. So I feel like that time off work was for nothing. I was trying to balance out the vacation days and personal time but it still didn't work out the way I had hoped.

So if I use those last five hours before finding a new job I'll go over again and that means a written warning at work which then means I'm one away from being "terminated" as they like to call it. So hopefully I won't have to use those five hours for interviews, so I land one.

It would be one thing if I had done it all just for the fuck of it. Then I could see where it's my fault. But 80% of it was out of my control. Not that it matters. The result is the same.

All of this and Master and I still have the goal of moving the hell out of here sooner rather than later. It seems to be getting worse here each time they move a new person in. And lately that has been pretty frequent because people keep moving out.

But each time something happens that goal seems farther and farther away. And it's really starting to piss me off.

It pissed me off more when I realized that we are signing a new one year lease with our current landlord this month. We should be getting the renewal agreement in the mail within the next week. We could do a bi-monthly lease but that's an additional $60 a month for rent. Fuck that noise.

Then, last night, Master received an e-mail from BC. You know, the married guy who lives with his parents? Yeah. That one.

Well guess fucking what. They are moving. They want us to help them at the end of this month. Never mind we helped them last time they moved out of his parents house. We did 90% of it because everyone else just wanted to stand there and talk.

Literally less than six months later they moved back in with his parents. Now they are trying it again... a couple of years later.

He's our friend. So I understand why he reached out to us to help him move. But the way the last move went, it ended up leaving a sour taste in my mouth for helping them move anything. Not to mention the fact that I still can't stand his fucking wife.

It also feels like salt being rubbed in the wound of our own end goal of moving. They could do it because they weren't paying rent for two years and could do with their money what they want. 

I know I'm being bitter. And I don't really give a fuck right now. I also know that it's not BC's fault and he doesn't know why I would feel that way. I probably shouldn't feel that way, but I do. Maybe if I could live rent free for a couple of years I would be in a better situation. But I left my parent's house at 17 and have been paying rent and bills since then. So ya know, a 36 year old who only lived outside of his parent's house for a whopping four years all told.. yeah. And that's only if you total them all up. They have been small breaks here and there and before you know it he's right back at home.

Ugh.

So, to make it short but sweet I would say my problem is stress and my mind spinning trying to figure out how to skip that whole being knocked back five paces every time I take one step forward. It's just a lot of juggling in my head.

Need a new job. Need to make sure we keep on top of shit. Pray that the car behaves now. Keep the end goal of moving to Master's home town in sight and reminding myself that it is realistic and obtainable.

The amazing thing is that I don't feel depressed. Yay for bipolar medication. I do feel myself shutting off mentally every so often. It's getting more frequent, but I can still flip the switch back on without any effort. The shut off thing is a defense mechanism so that I don't stress myself out to the point of going down the rabbit hole and having to fight tooth and claw to get myself back out.

My mind is not a fun place to be right now. Like I said, I'm not depressed. I'm not in a rage state of mind. It's just.. dark in there I guess.

Cry me a river, right? Yeah. I know. I keep telling myself that it could all be so much worse. The funny thing is that I didn't even realize all of this until I started typing. Blogging can be therapeutic from time to time. It can also, obviously, help me sort shit out that I didn't even know I was thinking.

That's so fucked up. How are you thinking about something, or multiple somethings, and not even realize what it all is. You just feel that spinning sensation and feel run down. Next thing you know you put pen to paper or fingers to a keyboard and it all floods out.