His Hair

We've been together for almost twelve years now. It'll be twelve years in March. It's weird to even realize that honestly. Some days it feels like a lot longer than that, in a good way, and other days it feels like there is no way we have been together that long, again in a good way.

But anyway, within that amount of time Master has done a lot with His hair. Well, His hair length anyway. When I first met Him He had hair so long that it was damn near down to His ass. He has beautiful hair. He really does. He has the kind of hair that women are jealous of. *laughs*  Honestly when we first met that was one of the things that attracted me to Him.

He kept His hair that long for about two years. He told me that it had taken a long time to grow it that long. But about two years into our relationship He shaved His head bald. Completely bald. He looked hot. He was bald when we got married, which was about two years after that. I don't quite remember when but eventually He decided to grow it out again. Not as long but He grew it out.

He had more of a traditional guy's hair cut for a while. I didn't really care for it. It's not that it made Him look bad, because it didn't, but it didn't fit. Ya know? It just didn't look like Him.

After that He went to a do it yourself buzz cut. All He did was buy a pair of clippers, slapped a guard on it, and voila! He had that for a very long time. And it looked awesome.

Sometime over the past couple of year or two He decided to try and grow it back out again. He said that He wanted it back to where it was as long as it was when we first met. Up until today He had it just past His shoulders.

For the past few weeks He has been contemplating cutting it again. Why? He said He was tired of it always getting in His face, waking up with His own hair in His mouth, and all the snarls. I was honestly a bit surprised since He had been so adamant about growing it back out. It's not like I was going to be upset either way, I was just surprised.

Today we are sitting there watching TV where out of nowhere Master looks at me and asks where His clippers are. Apparently He had made up His mind and it was going to happen right now. So I went and dug around until I found them. He took off His shirt, plugged it in, and just went to town with it. Eventually I asked if He wanted me to at least cut the hair down to a length where it would stop clogging the clippers. He allowed it. I was just extra careful to make sure I didn't cut it too short because then it wouldn't be even with the rest of His hair.

I didn't really have to worry about that part because He went really, really, super short. I love the look on Him. I helped Him with the clippers towards the end.

It's a little weird to me though. Not His hair. But the fact that I always love it once He's done it. I was excited when He told me He was going to grow out His hair again but when He told me He was shaving it all off today I was also excited.

I've never told Him not to do anything regarding His hair. Not only because of the dynamic but because I always think He looks good. This time is no different. Hell I couldn't help but run my hands over His head. He joked with me about how I always do that when His hair is short. And when He has long hair I can't stop messing with it.

When His hair is long I love brushing it, running my fingers through it, and braiding it. When He was bald I couldn't stop just rubbing my hands against His bald head. And when it is short I keep running my hands over it.

He also pointed out that when He is eating me out and His hair is short I run my hands over His head a lot more than I do when His hair is long. I told Him that's because I don't want to accidentally pull His hair and ruin anything. *laughs*

I guess this just comes down to my finding Him attractive no matter what hair style He has.

Handmade Collar

As some of you may know, I haven't been able to wear a collar since January 3rd, 2012. Not because of any punishment but because of my metal allergy. I've had several collars over the years until I "graduated" to the eternity collar that I had for a very long time. Somewhere along the lines, while I was still wearing the eternity collar, Master also bought me an eternity cuff. As of the date previously mentioned though something happened to where I was getting that all too familiar rash from my nickel allergy. I was highly upset. To this day, however, I am still wearing the cuff. Weird. But after I took off the eternity collar Master and I both agreed that buying another one didn't make much sense. Some jobs wouldn't want me to wear it, I'm sure, and with it being an allen screw I wouldn't be able to really take it off by myself. Well, that and it would be a real pain in the ass process every morning before I went to work and every night when I got home.

Anyway... that was the reasoning. Not to mention the price.

Since I started making paracord bracelets and key chains I've getting pretty damn good about it. I made myself a bracelet and Master two of them, one of them with a charm of the infinity symbol.

Shortly there after, a couple of nights ago if my memory is correct, Master had mentioned how since I could make bracelets and key chains out of paracord I might be able to make myself a collar out of one. After all there is absolutely no metal, so there is nothing to irritate my skin.

Last night while I was taking my bath I was sitting there trying to figure out how to pull it off. I already knew that the length I would need would be longer than the jig I have for making the bracelets. But I knew I could pull it off. I also wanted to put the same infinity symbol that I put on His bracelet on the collar. Well, it's more of a choker but at this point there really isn't a difference.

After I got out of the bath I asked Master to help me measure the size I would need on my neck. He was smiling when I told Him that I wanted to make myself one. He suggested that I put the infinity symbol on it which made me laugh because that thought had already crossed my mind and I hadn't mentioned it to Him yet.

Once I had the measurements I got all of the supplies together and started making it. I used the same colored cord that I did for my bracelet. It is a red and black weave, which are my two favorite colors. (Yes, I know that black is not technically a color.)

The bracelet that I made for Master with the infinity symbol is black and purple but He said it was okay if I made the choker/collar out of the red and black weave so it would match my bracelet.

I am not kidding you when I say that I had to make this thing three times. At first I made it too small, so I had to take it all apart and start over again. Thankfully I hadn't cut it yet and had plenty of cord so I didn't have to cut off new pieces. The second time I made it that it fit but it was more like a regular necklace rather than a choker. So once again I took it apart and finally I got it right! *sigh* That took forever. But it is done and I absolutely love it. Master does too.

It has been far too long since I've had something around my neck. Thankfully the charm, which is metal, doesn't touch my skin at all because it is weaved into the front of the paracord. The buckle is plastic.

So while I finally have something around my neck again it isn't something that Master can pull me around by. The plastic buckle would just open or even worse, break. But I am still happy as is He.

Flexible

Last night made me realize how grateful I am for being flexible. *laughs* Master has always enjoyed twisting and turning me into various positions. Some of them are easier than others. And no, it's not always easy. There have been times where my legs start to shake. Master normally eases up just a little bit when that starts to happen. And then there are times where I am loving the hell out of it but when all is sad and done and I'm able to full stretch out my body I realize how much my lower back hates me. Normally when that happens Master is kind enough to have me turn onto my stomach and put pressure on my hip line and tail bone with His hands. That helps immensely.

But last night there was no need for that, which surprised me a bit since my back has been stiff most of the week.

I started with the whole flexible thing though. Once Master was inside me and was laying on top of me I started by raising one of my legs up and resting my ankle gently on His lower back. Eventually I did the same with my other leg, basically locking His lower body in with my legs. Well, not really locking since He could have moved me or Himself without much effort at all. You get the idea though.

I guess that gave Him some ideas because after allowing me to cum a couple of times He knelt up and grabbed my ankles. He moved me into different positions while I was still on my back, eventually pushing my ankles back so that I was basically bent in half while He fucked me hard.

When He allowed me to cum the last time it seemed to roll on forever and also, towards the end, triggered His own orgasm.

*sigh* Very satisfying.

I am not looking forward to the day that I can no longer be His personal rag doll pretzel. *sad face* I'm only 31 years old and I know that eventually my body just isn't going to let me do certain things anymore and when it comes to certain things in the bedroom, such as my flexibility, I am not going to be very happy about it. Hopefully I won't have to worry about such things for quite some time.

But I guess at a certain point I'll just be glad I can still fuck. *laughs*

Sex! Yay!

Two nights ago Master and I started fooling around. Normally if I'm not wet I'm at least moist enough for Him to be able to slide into me. He may still have to force it a bit but that night I was pretty dry. The main reason being that I'm on my period and I had literally just taken out a tampon I hadn't had in very long. It took me a while to get wet. Another part of the problem was actually kind of embarrassing.

As Master was trying to basically line things up He said, "Well this could have something to do with it."

I looked down and He had a small piece of cotton on His finger. It was from when I took the tampon out. It happens sometimes when it's still a rather new one and you take it out before it really gets all that wet. I was embarrassed about it but Master just flicked it off of His finger and told me not to worry about it. I'm glad He's not really phased by things like that.

Last night my period was more spotting than anything so I hadn't put in a tampon at all that day. As a result I was no where near being dry.

He grabbed my legs, pulled me down, and then immediately grabbed my wrists and pinned me to the bed so He could molest my tits. That is one sure fire way of getting me revved up. He then let go of my wrists and slide down so He could eat me out and finger me. I came really, really hard.

He then flipped me over and pulled me up so I was on all fours. The sex was rough and wonderful. I got off several more times. I snaked my arms underneath me after He had me in the face down ass up position and started playing with His balls.

I love doing that even if it's not always the easiest thing to do. *laughs* I say that because of the pace He's fucking me it's not always something I can do with a tad bit more movement rather than just keeping my hand in one place so His the underside of His nuts brush against my hand. I'm sometimes afraid that if I don't just keep my hand still that I'll hurt Him somehow. Well, not really hurt Him but basically cause discomfort. After all those are sensitive.

So far He hasn't complained so I must be doing something right.

Anyway... the sex was incredible and we were both very tired and very satisfied afterward.

Reinforcing

Since our move our dynamic has been out of whack. It's not that I've been a complete and utter brat or that He is allowing the leash to go way too slack. It's simply just the living situation and the fact that I am still healing from having those four teeth removed. (Side note on that. The stitches finally fully dissolved. My gums are still pretty sensitive though.)

Master and I had a discussion about it last night. Unfortunately we can't really do much about it at this point in time but it felt good, for both of us, to at least talk about it and make sure that we're on the same page still. He also wanted to let me know that it is not me and that it is not anything I am doing wrong. It's simply the situation we are currently in. Also, He knows that I prefer that structure and He wanted to make sure that I was still doing okay. It may sound odd, or maybe it doesn't, but it does seem to help me manage my bipolar disorder. But I am still okay. I think it's because I know that it isn't because I'm trying to get away with murder and it is also not because He is allowing me to run free.

Last night He fucked me really hard. He was going to allow me to cum but I wanted to be used. It made me feel more docile. He made sure to twist me into a pretzel a few times before pinning me down, forcing my legs where He wanted them, and then fucking me hard to the point where I actually started having cramps.

Afterward we curled up and fell asleep.

We don't smoke inside anymore. We now smoke cigarettes outside. But it has been rather chilly today so instead of standing outside we went out into the garage. It isn't heated and it doesn't have electricity but it acts as a wind block. While we were out there Master very suddenly bent me over to the point where I had to lean on the riding lawn mower of all things. He then lifted up my hoodie, pulled down my sweat pants until they were around my ankles, and started fingering me. My legs and ass were immediately cold and His fingers, while still warmish, felt freezing when they entered me.

When He was done He told me to pull up my pants and smacked my ass. After I did that we started walking back to the house. He stopped me and wiped His fingers across my neck.

Very Docile

Yesterday afternoon Master and I went into the bedroom to fool around. Before we got undressed and got into bed I went into the bedroom, grabbed my favorite vibrator, and put batteries in it. I then turned off the main bedroom light and turned on the lamp on the dresser instead.

When Master got into the bedroom I got undressed and slid into bed. Master pulled me to Him and chewed on my neck for a little while before molesting my tits and eating me out. After I got off I thought He was going to maneuver me so that I could suck His dick and was honestly surprised when He didn't. Instead He had me stay on my back and entered me. He allowed me to cum twice before putting me onto all fours.

I had put the vibrator on the headboard and made sure that the lube was handy. I handed the lube to Him and grabbed the vibrator. He pumped some lube onto His hand and slicked Himself up and then put some on me as well.

He slowly and gently pushed the head of His cock into my ass. He then paused as I had asked Him to put more lube on the top of His shaft.

Each time He enters my ass I realize exactly how thick His cock is. Don't get me wrong, I know He has a very thick cock. And it's not like my pussy isn't tight. It is. Master comments on that constantly. But it's a completely different sensation. And since my ass is obviously tighter than my pussy it is even more noticeable than usual.

It wasn't easy for me to relax at first. I put the vibrator to my clit and got off from that. After that it was easier for me to relax although the sensations were rather extreme. It was a bit painful at first but incredibly overwhelming the entire time. I ended up lowering my upper body to the mattress while keeping my ass in the air. It didn't matter how much measured breathing I did I couldn't get over the overwhelming sensation. I got off again but that only added to the stimulation. It wasn't really a bad thing. It was just... intense.

Master commented on how much He had missed this. He had missed fucking my ass.

I am slightly ashamed to admit that I couldn't handle it for very long. Soon the overwhelming sensation turned into over stimulation and it started to hurt again. Not in a holy hell I'm going to start screaming type way, but I was starting to shake because every nerve in my body seemed to be over stimulated

I was honest with Master immediately though. I said, "Master I'm not sure how long I can handle this."

He gently pushed down on my hips so they were a little closer to the mattress and He knelt down more. He told me that I was a good girl and that all I had to do was lay still while He plowed my ass. And that is exactly what He did. He fucked my ass hard and filled my ass with His cum. The sensation of Him cumming tipped me over the edge and even though my body was already over stimulated I got off again.

He stayed still for a little while as His after shocks twitched inside of me causing me to gasp deeply each time. He told me that I would have to be the one who moved. I knelt up slightly causing His cock to go in a little deeper before slowly moving forward, allowing His dick to slip out of my ass.

Almost immediately He got up and hopped into the shower. I followed Him into the bathroom, still shaking, so that I could clean myself off as well.

Normally when I'm shaking like that Master gives me aftercare. By aftercare I mean Him holding me until I stop. I only shake like that when my entire body is overwhelmed. It's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just a fact. But since it is anal sex we both clean up immediately. It's never really been messy, it's really only ever been lube and a little bit of blood from time to time, but we want to be careful about it and clean up immediately. So there really isn't any time for aftercare.

After we were both cleaned up we went into the living room. A short time later I felt like I was going to cry. It wasn't pain. It was just sub drop. I didn't say anything. I probably should have. But I did end up going into the bedroom and cleaned up the lube that was still on the bed. This gave me a chance to calm myself down and gather myself. When I got back into the living room Master was just getting off the computer and sitting down in His recliner. When He did He grinned at me and said, "I love that empty balls feeling." *smiles*

Later on that night before we went to bed Master used my pussy to get Himself off and to keep me docile. Well, I can't really say to keep me docile because after anal sex I am very docile for an extended period of time.

The reason why I had said I was slightly ashamed of having to admit that I couldn't handle it for long is because I want my body to accept it for a longer period of time. I even asked Master to please not be mad at me. He wasn't mad at all. He was actually pleased. I didn't give up at the first shock of minor pain in the beginning. I did my best to relax. I know that the only way to get my body to accept it for longer is to do it more frequently.

We had been working towards that before and it was getting better but then all of that stress came up and for a while our sex drives dipped. And once it started to kick back in the anal part of our sex life didn't really cross my mind. That is bad of me. Master absolutely loves fucking me in the ass. He has never been pushy about it but that doesn't mean I don't need to work at doing it more frequently and for longer.

I want to be as pleasing as I possibly can be. He has never chided me for anything in regards to anal sex. I am extremely grateful that He is so understanding and wants me to enjoy it as much as He does. But I can't exactly get to that point if I don't try to do it more frequently.

I still feel docile today. I was very tired earlier as it had been a long day and ended up taking a nap, but still very docile.

My Favorite Sound

Last night after my blog post I took my shower and I asked Master if He wanted me to dress up. He told me that it was up to me. I said some smart ass answer along the lines of my wanted cock one way or another so I might as well dress up. *laughs* He chuckled at that. He told me to wait on getting dressed up until after we had done back rubs as we hadn't slept well the night before and were both sore.

Once the back rubs were done I went into the bedroom and picked out my school girl outfit. He grinned when He saw me. I hadn't worn that outfit in quite some time, which is exactly why I picked it out. Some people may find this funny but once I was dressed up we relaxed in the living room and played video games. Part of the reason was so we could just chill for a little while. The other reason was so Master was sure His back relaxed enough so that He wouldn't have to worry about it during sex.

It was about a hour later that Master turned off the game console and told me to get my ass into the bedroom. He was already laying down once I got there because I needed to take my tampon out.

I cuddled up next to Him so that we were both on our sides facing one another. He almost immediately bit into my neck. I couldn't help my moaning and sudden hard breaths. He ran His hands along my leg and ass while I reached in between us and started stroking His cock.

He gently pushed me onto my back and I whimpered when I had to let go of His shaft. He chuckled again and reached down to start undoing the top of the school girl outfit. However, the last four clasps are kind of difficult to undo so He told me that if I wanted my tits ravaged I would have to undo them myself. Trust me, I was pretty damn quick in doing so. As soon as the last one was done He pushed them aside and sucked on my tits. It instantly made me start squirming. I was able to lay still for a while but then every now and then I would rotate my hips against the bed. I was more than revved.

Once He was done He told me to slide up on the bed. I did so and He got comfortable in between my legs. He used His tongue to drive me out of my mind. It didn't take long to get me off. He didn't even have to finger me. Normally I need both His tongue and His fingers in order to get off. That's nothing Master is doing wrong obviously it's just how my body is. Nine times out of ten I need something to clench down on. But not last night. It was like my clit was on a hair trigger. As my orgasm peaked I arched my lower back and He wrapped one arm around my hips and forced me to lay still and flat against the bed. The orgasm seemed to go on forever.

Once the last shudder went through me He reached up and grabbed my neck so that I was raise up onto my knees. As soon as I was on my knees, it seemed to be in one quick and fluid movement that He had my hair wrapped in His hand. He then pushed my head down to His dick. I laid down and He placed both of His hands on the top of my head so I couldn't pull back. That was my queue to relax my throat as much as possible because I knew it wouldn't take much for Him to hit the back of my throat from that angle. He held my head still and rolled His hips so that He was fucking my mouth. I moaned and rolled my tongue as much as I could. I remember that at one point He stopped moving and I thought that maybe He did that so He couldn't cum. I may be way off on that but I do know that I moaned when He did that which made Him growl deep in His throat.

He continued to fuck my mouth for a little while longer before letting go of my head and hair. I didn't raise my head right away. Instead I kept my head perfectly still and just rolled and flicked my tongue so that His cock would twitch and throb in my mouth. I was honestly proud of myself that I had been able to keep my throat relaxed that long without even feeling like I was going to gag. That isn't always the easiest thing to do for a prolonged period of time.

Finally I let His dick slip out of my mouth and knelt up in front of Him. He was kneeling down more than I was and as a result my tits were right in His face and He took one into His mouth. I rested my hands on His shoulders, enjoying the sensation. Finally I just whispered, "Please fuck me Master."

He turned me around so that I was on all fours and slammed His cock into me. I was still on a hair trigger in regards to wanting to orgasm. He allowed it. He alternated between fucking me hard and then pulling back so that only the head of His cock was going in and out of me which felt absolutely delicious.

I lost count of how many times He allowed me to get off. I was much more talkative than I normally am during sex. He loves dirty talk but I don't do it as often as I probably should. I said that I loved how His thick cock stretches my tight pussy. He responded by saying that it was because I was a good slut.

Eventually He told me that I was no longer allowed to cum and pushed me down so that I was laying on my stomach. One of my legs went straight back, underneath Him and my other leg He pushed out and up so that it was above His knee. He rotated His hips, grinding His cock inside me.

I talked dirty a little bit more and it seemed to trigger His orgasm. He got off very, very hard and growled very loudly. I focused completely on the sensation of His cock pulsing inside of me and the sound of His growling. I also was grinding my hips against Him as His orgasm peaked.

Once He was done I smiled to myself and told Him that His growl when He cums is my favorite sound in the world. He chucked and said that it's because I'm a sick bitch. I told Him that He loved it.

He rolled off of me and had me clean off His cock. We rested next to one another for a little while longer and then He allowed me to take the outfit off and go put "plug it up" as He puts it. When we both went to bed to sleep we crashed rather quickly.

Then this morning when I woke up He was already out in the living room. I have no idea how long He had been awake. I knew He had the blinds in the living room open so I tossed on a longer t-shirt and went into the bathroom to change out my tampon. The next thing I know Master is behind me and is raising my t-shirt. I raised my arms up over my head and He lifts it off of me. He took the fresh tampon which was still in the wrapped out of my hand and tossed it on the bathroom counter.

He told me to get into the bedroom, which I obediently did. I slid into bed next to Him and was on my stomach as I rubbed the side of my face against His chest. I wasn't fully awake yet but since when does that matter when my Master wants to fuck? Never.

He made me stay on my stomach and quickly knelt up behind me. I was a little wet so it didn't take much for Him to force His cock inside of me. I already knew that He was using me and that I wouldn't be allowed to cum. It wasn't because of the position He had me in, it was just something I knew. I can't really explain it but after this long together I'm usually pretty accurate when I read His mood like that. While He was fucking me He told me that He had been watching the videos I sent Him two nights ago and He just wanted a tight hole to fuck. That turned me on a lot and make me softly smile as He continued to slam into me. I raised my hips up so that He could get deeper inside of me.

After He was done He told me to clean Him off and then allowed me to go finish doing what I had to do in the bathroom.

Let me tell you, I am one very happy and satisfied slave. 

Keeping The Leash In Mind

It seems like our life has been nothing but stress lately. I'm not exaggerating or trying to get sympathy. It's just how it is right now. And given everything that is going on Master has been loosening the leash more and more. It's not one of those situations where He is giving me enough rope to hang myself by it. He is trying to ease up on my stress by backing that particular aspect of our relationship off. And honestly, I know I've been taking advantage of that. I don't mean to. I truly don't. But I know I am.

He's not doing it "only" because of the situation with my grandfather. There is a metric fuck ton of other shit going on right now and it all adds to the other, creating this snowball effect that is threatening to bury us both at this point. We are doing our best to make sure it doesn't but so much is out of both of our hands that there isn't much we can do about it.

As a result, like I said, Master has been doing everything He can to make sure that nothing is added to all of this. I've ran with it. I know that He didn't let up on the dynamic so I can run around free of the leash, but it sometimes feels like I am and it's not His fault. It's all on me.

I will fully admit that there are some things that I need to be able to express without the leash in mind. And that is all well and good. But by my taking advantage of it, it has kind of defeated the purpose and honestly only hurt the situation. I know it adds to His stress, which isn't fair.

I need to keep the leash in mind more. After all, it'll lessen His stress and it will most likely make me feel better as well. For all I know it's adding to mine as well because I don't really have a structure that I'm following.

Now, that doesn't mean that I won't feel the need to pull away from the leash at times in certain situations but that's not the point. Those situations would be rather extreme at this point.

I feel horrible and ashamed that it has taken me this long to realize exactly how far off the leash I've been.  running. The man seriously deserves a medal for everything He is going through right now. He'll tell you that I'm going through more on an emotional level and all that but still....

I need to correct myself. I need to keep the leash in mind as much as I possibly can. I think having at least most of the structure back will help both of us and will make both of us feel better. And right now I think we both need something else aside from the stress to focus on.

Tears

Last night Master and I had been not so much flirting with one another as much as just sneaking a quick touch or grab here and there. Oh, and Him occasionally smacking me on my ass. But really, that is how we flirt. We don't really do it verbally very often. It's all physical and with general body language. Like I said, we were doing that on and off all last night.

Eventually we did go to bed. He grabbed me and pulled me to Him, brushed my hair out of the way and then chewed on my neck for a while. I reached down to stroke Him for a little while before He stopped and told me to use my mouth. At the angle I was at and the fact that my jaw was a little tight I did the absolute best I could. He seemed to enjoy it a lot.

When I stopped I asked Him how He wanted me and rather than telling me He simply tossed me like a rag doll onto my back and I immediately opened my legs. He entered me and since I was already rather wet there wasn't much resistance. Did that stop Him from being a bit rough about it? Of course not. Why would it?

He held me close and fucked me hard. It was a nice mix and blended really well to the point that I couldn't really tell where the feeling of being held close in a very loving way began and the feeling of being fucked roughly ended.

After He allowed me to cum several times He knelt up and pulled my legs up so that they were bent at the knees and were up by my shoulders while my feet were resting against His chest. He got very, very deep. He bounced me off His cock while I was in that position and I don't know what triggered it but I started crying.

It wasn't full on sobbing. A few tears ran down my face and I sniffled a little bit here and there. It wasn't from pain. But just to make sure He eased up a little bit, He didn't stop though, and asked if I was okay. I nodded my head.

He leaned down, putting my pressure on my legs, and softly kissed my face. He told me that I hadn't been "raped" roughly in a long time. It's obviously not actually my being raped since I'm consenting. Basically it's how He refers to a particular position. I lay on my stomach, He hooks His feet under my legs so that they are widely spread apart and He grabs each of my wrists to pin me to the bed. I'm not allowed to cum and I better hold as still as fucking possible.

As He was describing to me that He was going to do this to me as well as put a pillow under my hips to prop them up so He could get even deeper He was pausing long enough to kiss my face very softly. That made more tears stream down my face. Please understand that these tears are not from pain or fear. They are simply from being overwhelmed by emotions. Particularly love and my devotion to Him.

Right before He pulled out so He could reposition me He kissed my lips. Once I was in position He did everything He promised He would. I wasn't crying anymore. I was too busy trying my best not to get off. However as soon as He was done, pulled out, and laid down next to me the tears flowed again but this time I was crying to the point that I had to catch my breath. He laid His chest across my back, covering my upper body with His. He rested His head against mine until I stopped. Again He asked if I was okay.

I assured Him that I was. He knew why I had been crying since the first time He asked if I was okay. After eleven years He knows that sometimes this just happens. It comes out of no where and there is really no rhyme or reason to it.

Hush

I didn't really speak to Master last night like I said I would in my last post. I mean.. I did ask. It just didn't turn into a full conversation. We had a good day. We didn't go to bed until almost 4am. We didn't fuck, even though we both wanted to, because Master's back was really bothering Him and my period had literally just started so I was cramping pretty bad. I always do the first two fucking days. It's not like we don't fuck when I'm on the rag. We do. In fact we both enjoy it a lot. It's just the first day or two that suck.

Anyway, when we were climbing into bed to go to sleep I simply asked Him, "Was last night better Master?" I couldn't see His face as my eyes hadn't adjusted to the dark yet but it seemed like there was a smile in His voice. "Yes babe. A lot better."

See? No conversation needed. A simple question and a simple answer. He then pulled me close and put His arm around me. I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

I found a meme online today that made me laugh. Here it is:

Obviously the picture is wrong.. I would not and I repeat not be the one holding the cane or whip or whatever the hell that's supposed to be. However, I can get loud in bed. There have been plenty of times where Master will just put His hand over my mouth or tell me "Sshh.. babe." It's not like He gets mad about it. He enjoys it. But the walls in our apartment are thin as hell. As a result we have to keep certain things in mind. Nothing that makes a lot of noise, such as Him using His belt like He use to. Another good example is me getting too loud while we're fucking.

When I first moved in with Him He would use the belt on me when He thought it was necessary or just because He wanted to. But we had different neighbors back then and at least one of the apartments that shared a wall with us was empty. But that was oh hell... nine years ago? Yeah. That sounds about right. Since then we have had very, very nosy neighbors come and go. It got to the point where we are actually afraid of someone calling the cops if we get too loud with such things.

Why? Well, one time we had fucked rather rough and we had both gotten somewhat loud. There was some spanking going on and all that. Nothing too rough. A little while later there was a loud knock on our door. What the hell? So I tossed on a robe, as we were both still naked, and Master went and sat in the bedroom. No reason for Him to get dressed. We weren't expecting anyone. So I open the door and I had a smile on my face because Master and I had been joking around as I walked down the hallway. Anyway, I open the door and there is a damn cop standing there. I look at him kind of puzzled. I was still at least half smiling. He looked at me and said, "I guess there isn't a domestic disturbance going on here is there?"

"No officer there isn't."

"Sorry to bother you ma'am. We had received a call from someone saying there was."

Honestly, we weren't making a ton of noise and the spanking wasn't all that loud either. Definitely not as loud as we could have been. So yeah.. It sucks. One day we'll live somewhere that either has thicker walls or we live in a house.

Taking Initiative

Part of the conversation Master and I had the other night is that I am not really taking initiative in the bedroom. I have been lazy and laying down on the bed, waiting for Him to get to the bedroom (I normally get there first) and then waiting to see what He wants to do. Now, it's not like He isn't still in total control. He was just getting frustrated that I was leaving absolutely everything up to Him including for Him to initiate sex.

The only thing that I would really do is ask if He wanted to go fool around or tell Him I wanted to fuck. After that I always waited until He made the first move basically. Lazy of me. And I'm honestly ashamed to admit it. He was just frustrated with it. I have fallen into that lull before. I thought, at the time, it was what is I'm supposed to do. That whole "He's in charge so I'll just wait for Him to take charge and then I'll respond from there." Like I said, it's lazy. After our conversation I took it all to heart and promised that I would become better.

Last night I asked Him if He wanted to watch porn. He said yes, so I popped one into the DVD player. After a while we turned it off and I asked if He wanted to go play with me. He chuckled and told me to meet Him in the bedroom. I had dressed up for Him. It was a simple body stocking, but I hadn't worn it in a while.

Once I got to bed I waited for Him to join me. Rather than simply laying down I knelt on the bed itself. When He climbed into bed with me He laid down on His side. I moved forward, while still on my knees. I started stroking His cock and offered my neck for Him to nibble on.

I asked Him what He wanted to do with me. He told me that He wanted to 69 as we haven't done that in a long time. You would think that with our height difference it wouldn't be possible, but it is. I just always have to be the one on top. It didn't last long as my hands continuously slid forward on the bed sheets and as a result I was having a difficult time staying in a place where it was comfortable for me to suck His cock.

I then flipped around so we were facing one another and rested on top of Him, feeling His cock throb against my hip. I kissed Him and we kissed for quite a while. We honestly don't do that a lot during sex or foreplay. We kiss one another all the time. But for some reason we don't kiss very frequently during sex/foreplay.

I teasingly would flick my tongue quickly into His mouth only to move back before kissing Him again. I was being playful. I think He enjoyed it since He allowed it to go on and His cock remained hard against me. I asked Him how He wanted me.

"How do You want me Master?"

He said that He either wanted me on top or for me to get on all fours and that either was fine by Him. I then sat down next to His hips and started sucking His cock from that angle. My legs were open and He snaked His fingers between my pussy lips and gently fingered me. I then slid down further. He chuckled and asked me what I was up to now. "Nothing Master."

I knelt in between His legs and continued to please His with my tongue and mouth before climbing on top of Him. I reached between my legs and ran the head of His cock along the length of my slit before finally putting Him inside of me. I laid on top of Him, gently moving my hips, while resting my head on His chest and kissing His chest on and off.

When I sat up fully He moaned which turned me on more than I already was, and trust me I was already wet as hell. I alternated between rocking my hips, rotating my hips, and then bucking my hips hard and fast. He grabbed my hips and after I got off the first time I was hot. I pulled down the top of my body stocking so that my tits were free. It helped cool me off a bit and as soon as I did He grabbed my tits with His hands, which only made me buck harder again. And once again I got off. That didn't stop Him from torturing my tits and nipples with His hands in a most delicious way. I ran my hands up and down His arms as He did so and sometimes put my hands over His. I was simply lost in every single sensation. I wanted to touch Him as much as possible, which He seemed to greatly enjoy.

But after a while I wanted something else. He has always encouraged me to let Him know if I want something else. If He wants it to, He'll allow it and if He doesn't He'll just keep doing what He wants. Simple enough.

Rather than using my words I used my hands. I ever so gently took His hands away from my chest. I guided His left hand down to my hips. He allowed it and gripped my hip firmly. Then I gently guided His right hand to my throat. As soon as He realized that is where I wanted His hand to be He grabbed it and it was like His hand locked. Apparently that turned Him on as much as it did me. I didn't have a lot of places to put my hands so I simply placed my left hand on top of His, where it was holding my hip and my right hand against His chest to help balance myself.

The tighter His grip on my neck got the faster I bucked my hips. I felt His orgasm start which kicked me into another one. His hand didn't leave my throat until after we were both done. I began to move but His left hand locked on my hip, forcing me to stay in place. He wanted to enjoy that sensation a bit longer.When He allowed me to move I immediately cleaned off His cock with my mouth.

I know that He was very pleased afterward. He held me for a little while, allowing both of our heartbeats to get back to a normal pace.

I sincerely hope that what I did last night is what He meant by wanting me to take more initiative. It's not like I put a lot of thought into it. I just ran with what my instincts and waited for His reaction as far as whether or not that is what He wanted. I greatly enjoyed everything. If that is not what He meant, I hope that He tells me. I plan to talk to Him about it later on tonight. I didn't want to ask Him right away. I didn't want to ruin the moment by immediately delving into a serious discussion.

Stupid

I was supposed to do a blog post last night. It is currently 3:46am. I had taken a nap earlier today because I didn't sleep well last night. I continuously drifted between the fully asleep to the half awake/half asleep state. I don't know why. I never woke up enough to bother looking at the clock. Like I said I drifted from one state to another.

I didn't even think about my blog post until about 20 minutes before we were going to go to bed. And as soon as it crossed my mind I said, out loud, "Fuck! I was supposed to do a blog post tonight." Master said, "Yes, I know." He didn't mention any kind of punishment or anything along those lines. I then explained that because I had been doing some of my posts at midnight or a little later it kind of threw me off. It's not an excuse at all. It's just the truth.

I had taken my pills right before we went to bed, like I'm supposed to. But I'm laying there and honestly I wasn't laying there very long, but I could already tell that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep right away. So I just got out of bed. It was either that or I was going to toss and turn and most likely keep Master up. I know He hasn't been sleeping well either.

The only issue is that I had already taken my pills. With the dosage I'm on normally if I'm up too long after I've taken them I start to get double vision and begin to walk around like I'm drunk. Part of me wanted to just lay there and deal with not being able to fall asleep just for that fact. But after a few minutes I decided I would just take my chances. After all, if I begin to feel that way I can just go to bed. Once I sleep I feel fine. And when I wake up in the morning there are no side effects what so ever.

But the whole not doing my blog post when I was supposed to is eating at me. I feel guilty. I feel bad. Not just a little bad. I actually feel pretty horrible about it. I've been doing so well. A few verbal but light reprimands here and there but other than that I haven't fucked up. I haven't had a big fuck up in a long time. And then I do this. And there is no excuse for it because after all I'm unemployed. So it's not like I don't have the time. I ran some errands today but I was home by 4:30pm. And yes, I'm stressed the fuck out because I'm not working and finances and family shit is constantly on my mind... And I'm okay. I'm not flipping out. But I've been a lot more stressed than this and still remembered to do my blog post.

After all it sometimes helps me calm myself down because I'm not focusing on everything at once. I'm simply focusing on writing my blog post. And how hard is it to remember to do my blog post? It's not. I've been doing it since 2007 after all. It wasn't always daily and right now it's every other day. Yes, I've been doing some posts past midnight so the dates don't always line up but since I'm not going to bed until about 2:30am to 3am it feels to me like I'm sticking to the schedule I'm supposed to and Master hasn't really had an issue with it as long as it was done before bed. The post isn't done on time. No I'm not in bed. No I haven't fallen asleep. But I did attempt to go to sleep. So this post doesn't make up for the fact that I missed the post for the 26th.

When I was working it had to be done before my bedtime, which was 11pm. Sometimes He would be feeling generous and allow me to stay up later than that. On the weekends I didn't really have a bedtime but the posts were still done before 11pm.

I don't know if He plans on punishing me. If He does, I don't know what it would be. He may allow it to slide. I just don't know. He didn't get pissed off when I realized and announced out loud that I didn't do my post. He didn't order me to do it anyway. His tone didn't change at all. But that doesn't really mean He isn't going to punish me for it. He doesn't punish me out of anger. He punishes me to teach me a lesson and remind me of my place in this relationship.

Since I haven't fucked up in a big way in a long time this is really eating at me. It would have bothered me even if it hadn't been a long time. But I feel like a total fucking moron. I feel like I'm not a good girl at all. I feel like utter shit right now actually. I'm very upset with myself.

I won't know whether or not I'm going to be punished until tomorrow. I don't know if that's part of why I don't feel tired. Not so much the waiting to see if I'm going to be punished, but rather that I feel like a really, really bad slave right now. Some people may think it's not that big of a deal. But it's one of the rules that has remained in place for years and years and suddenly this? Really? What the fuck!

But now the effects of the medication are kicking in so I should probably go lay down before I have problems walking down the hallway.

Razor

Master had me start growing out a landing strip a while back. I actually thought it had been longer than what that post actually says. *shrugs* But apparently it's only been a little over a month. I guess it felt longer because I'm always so damn worried about messing it up, like I have done in the past. But actually I had been doing pretty damn well with it.

So when Master told me to come to Him I immediately knelt down. He told me to stand up. I did. I had on one of His t-shirts because it has been kind of chilly in the apartment and He has been allowing it. He lifted up the bottom of the shirt and, for lack of a better word, inspected my landing strip. I got a little worried at first. But after running His finger through it a couple of times told me I could shave it off. My eyes got a little wide and said, "Why? Did I fuck it up?"

It's not like I wanted to keep it. I prefer being clean shaven. But I wanted Him to be pleased. So the thought of Him telling me that I can shave it made me immediately think that I had done it wrong. Maybe it wasn't even. Maybe it wasn't to the width/length He wanted it to be anymore. Trust me I'd rather have Him pleased with it than fuck it up just so He'll allow me to get rid of it.

In response He chuckled and said, "No. I'm just saying you can shave it off." He explained that every now and then He wants it to be there and then that desire is gone and He wants me to be clean shaven again. He also told me to go ahead and dress up for Him once I was done with my shower.

So off to the bathtub I went! I got myself all nice and clean, shaved my legs, and then started shaving my pussy. I don't know why but I did the strip last. And when I started I actually hesitated for a moment. There I was with the razor in my hand and looking down. I had already shaved a small piece of it away. But I literally had to replay His words in my mind that it was okay to shave it off before I could shave off the rest of it. No idea why. But it was like if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to continue.

I don't know if it's how my brain works because of my training, or if it's my paranoia of disappointing Him... I don't know. Both?

I did dress up for Him and I picked out an outfit that I hadn't worn in a long time. He enjoyed it. Although after we were done fucking I took it off and threw it away. It wasn't at His order or anything. It was just because it is one of those stretchy outfits and after a while they lose their stretchiness... This one had reached that point. Not all the way, but enough for it to annoy me. He agreed that it was that time. So into the garbage it went. Thankfully it wasn't an expensive piece. Then again I try not to spend a lot of money on lingerie. It's just going to rip or tear at some point anyway.. *laughs* As long as I look good in it He doesn't care. And most of them last a good long while.

Vicious, Lovely, & Interesting Cycle

I've noticed since this past weekend I have been feeling more docile than usual. And I am, I think, showing it more as well. I have a different tone of voice when I'm asking permission for something. I can't really explain the tone. It's not like I was being bratty before while asking for something. This just has a different feel to it. I hate it when I want to describe something but am unable to. *sigh*

Oh well. I think Master has noticed as well. He seems to be reacting to me a little differently as well. Again, His tone of voice is a good example. I also have had a different kind of body language. Nothing huge. Nothing highly noticeable but I would say it is an improvement.

Oh! Before I forget... Master had read the post that said something about my landing strip that I am currently growing out. I had thought it was too wide, or at least wider than He would want it. He very casually brought it up. I had just finished doing laundry and Master was putting away His clothes and out of no where said, "By the way, the landing strip isn't too wide. It's fine."

It took me a minute to full process what He had just said. Not because it shocked me that He read the post. He reads all of my posts. It's just that it was so casual and out of no where that it took me a bit. Once I finally caught up I just smiled. At least now I know and don't have to worry about it. I still think it's a bitch to keep straight though. I don't know how guys do it! Hell, Master has a goatee and He hardly ever fucks it up. It always looks so nice and perfectly trimmed. It's weird. He can do that and I have a problem keeping a landing strip straight. What the fuck?

But since I'm under orders to grow it in I get really paranoid while shaving. I know that sounds really fucking stupid. But if I fuck it up, it's not really something I can easily fix. That has happened in the past when He had me grow it in. I dipped into it with the razor more than I had meant to. After that Master told me to just be clean shaven again. He did seem a bit disappointed at the time. Not pissed off. He didn't reprimand me and He didn't seem to be disappointed in me exactly. I think it was more of a disappointment of having it gone already. He always has me switch from one to another. Most of the time it's my being clean shaven.

Enough about my pubic hair and/or the lack there of.

I wonder if I feel different and more docile because of the anal sex itself or the weekend as a whole.

Anal sex is always something that makes me extremely docile for quite a while. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I know how much it pleases Him. Maybe it's because it seems more submissive than regular fucking or a blowjob. Don't ask me why. I'm not sure why and maybe it's just me. I don't know if other slaves feel that way about it. I also don't know if it's the fact that He is the only one I have ever done that with. I think that's part of it for Him, in so far as how turned on by it He gets.

I don't think it was just the anal sex though. The whole weekend seemed to be more dynamic based. Not as in He was barking orders and I was groveling. It was more subtle than that. And since I feed off of Him and He feeds off of me, the more one steps it up a notch the other matches it. Hell, sometimes it surpasses it. It's a vicious, lovely, and interesting cycle.

All Three

This past weekend was absolutely incredible. Sex, sex, and more sex! That will always make it an amazing weekend. *winks*

Saturday it started with morning sex. I woke up quite a bit earlier than He did. But sometime around 11am I decided to go wake Him up. I quietly climbed into bed next to Him and cuddled up to Him. I tried to reach down to His cock but because of the way He was laying it was pretty much impossible. But the movement was enough to wake Him up. Once He was awake He turned over onto His back and as He did so He raised the arm that was facing me so I could cuddle in next to Him and rest my head on His shoulder. Once I was comfortable He nuzzled the top of my head and I snaked my hand down and started stroking His dick. He moaned a little bit and as His cock grew the more He nuzzled and kissed the top of my head.

He asked me what I would prefer position wise. Sometimes He'll ask me and other times He'll just move me like I'm a rag doll until I'm in the position He wants me to be in. I thought about it for a little while, but I never stopped stroking Him and teasing Him. I figured that since it wasn't so cold out we wouldn't have to keep under covers for morning sex, like we have been for a while. So I asked if I could get on all fours.

It was a morning quickie but that didn't stop Him for forcing me to cum three times. Afterward we collapsed onto the bed again, cuddling a little bit more before forcing ourselves to get out of bed and start the day.

Later that night we fucked again. This time He told me right off that He wanted to make me hurt. He played with my tits for a while before eating me out. After I got off He continued to very, very gently run His tongue across my clit. I know damn well why He did that. He knows that I get extremely sensitive. And if I'm sensitive it's even easier for Him to make me extremely sore.

At one point, once I was even more sensitive He grabbed one of His pillows and had me lay on my stomach after He propped my hips up with His pillow. He talked dirty almost the entire time. *purrs* He told me that His pillow would smell like my pussy and He would be able to enjoy it all night as He slept. After a few more highly intense orgasms He used me as His sex toy.

Afterward He told me to clean Him off. So I scooted down the bed and started slowly licking the underside of His cock before taking it into my mouth. My oral fixation suddenly kicked into overdrive and I just didn't want to stop. So I didn't. I knew that if He wanted me to stop all He would do is either say so or He would grab my hair and pull me off of it.

But He didn't. He allowed me to continue. I couldn't really decide what I wanted to do more, so I changed it up every now and again. I would move my mouth up and down His cock, then switch to just licking His dick and balls. There were points where all I did was hold His dick in my mouth. I didn't move at all. I kept my tongue still. I'm not sure what gets Him off about it but all I feel every time I do it is His dick throbbing and if I have to swallow suddenly or readjust my jaw He moans. I love hearing Him moan. It was more like cock worship than a blowjob.

It's so fucking hot. He became fully erect again and I crawled up and started riding Him. I knew I was sore and I knew I was sensitive but I really, really needed Him inside of me again. I got off twice before I had to stop. It had become too much. My nerve endings were raw. So He told me to rest my head just above His hips and He would tell me when to put my mouth on the head of His dick. He started jerking off and I watched and would rub just behind His balls every now and then. In a very deep and graveled voice He simply said, "Mouth". I dipped my head down just a little and sucked on the head as He shot His cum into my mouth.


Yesterday I had asked if we could try anal sex. He of course readily agreed. So as the day went on we just relaxed and enjoyed quality time together.

When it got closer to my bedtime I asked if we could go fool around. As soon as we got into bed He asked me what I was up for. That's His way of asking if I still wanted to try. When it comes to anal sex He doesn't really push it. Not because He can't but because He chooses not to be. He wants me to enjoy it just as much as He does. So He doesn't force the issue since I'm not always able to without it hurting quite a bit.

So I said everything. He started off by having me put my mouth to good use. Then He got me on all fours and slowly pushed His cock into my pussy. I was still very sore from Saturday but it felt incredibly good. He got me off several times. When I was ready I grabbed the lube and my vibrator. He lubed us both up and I put the vibrator on it's lowest setting and put it against my clit. That always seems to make it so much easier for some reason.

And I was able to take His cock into my ass with almost no pain at all. It pinched a little bit at first so I asked if He would put a little more lube on the top of His dick. Thankfully we keep the lube very handy so it wasn't a problem at all. I got off hard. My entire body lit up. He called me a good girl several times. I don't know why that makes me swoon but it does. Every single time He says it.

He had to tell me to hush because I couldn't stop moaning and only got louder. I look forward to the day that we don't have to worry about such things anymore. It's not that He doesn't love hearing me moan and whimper and beg. It's just the fact that our apartment walls are thin and we don't need people calling the cops because they think someone is being murdered. *laughs*

I did end up saying that since it had been so long since we had anal sex that I wasn't sure how long my body would "allow" it. He said He understood. He fucked my ass rougher and faster. I did my best to not get too loud. I begged for His cum. That only made Him fuck me harder, sending me into another mind blowing orgasm.

After He filled my ass with His cum He was as out of it as I was. He slowly pulled out and immediately went into the bathroom to clean up. I was shaking. Every time we have anal sex my entire body starts shaking. Not from pain or anything like that. I think it's because my body feels so overwhelmed, in a very delicious way. Once He was done I went into the bathroom and cleaned myself up as well.

When I got out of the bathroom I noticed that the bedroom light was still on. So I took a peek and Master was sitting on the bed with a very spaced out look on His face that only meant He was deeply satisfied and pleased. I asked if something was wrong. He said no and told me to come onto the bed and lay down. The way He was sitting I knew what He wanted me to do. I got comfortable on the bed and rested my head on His lap. He wrapped His arms around me. It was wonderful aftercare. Sometimes He gives that to me after anal sex and sometimes He doesn't. But this time He did and I greatly appreciated it. He held me like that for almost 20 minutes.

So, this past weekend I got a shot of His cum and each of my holes. And today I woke up elated and sore every where. It hurt to sit down, but in a very good way.

Intertwined

I feel docile this morning. Master is still asleep. He hasn't been sleeping well, so Him sleeping in like this is a good thing.

I haven't felt this docile in quite some time. I don't know why. I don't think it really has to do with anything. It's just a fact. It's not like anything has been wrong within our marriage or within our dynamic. It just hasn't hit me this strongly in a long time. I think I've been a good girl. I mean I haven't been punished and He hasn't reprimanded me for a long time now. Do I think I've been at the top of my game? No. Do I think that I've been a horrible slave? No. I would say I'm... well... mediocre. And He deserves more than that.

Don't get me wrong, He understands that I have been worn the hell out from my job. He knows that I have been under a lot of stress. He understands why I fall asleep on the couch and only wake up long enough to go to bed. He doesn't fault me for it. He isn't resentful of it. All He does is be understanding and supportive. He gives me leeway. It's not like He's giving me enough rope to hang myself. Like I said, He understands and in no way, shape, or form is He trying to trip me. 

But that doesn't make me feel any better about it. He has always told me that I'm too hard on myself. That I need to accept things that I can't control and understand that He isn't going to be upset by it. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. It's not due to my being bipolar. I haven't had an episode since my medication dosage was increased, and even before that it was all depressed than anything. There was no rage like their was prior to my medication.

I have not even once considered taking the mental collar off. I say mental collar because I no longer wear an actual collar due to my metal allergy. Thankfully I am still able to wear my cuff. I love my cuff. It is the only physical object that I have anymore. I know, physical objects don't matter. They never have. Hell, I'm marked up one side and down the other by Him. Scars, bite marks that have never fully gone away and have become scars themselves. Hell one of my tattoos are directly connected to our dynamic. And He has designed four of my 12 tattoos, including the one that is connected to our dynamic.That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. That doesn't mean I don't touch it sometimes just to center myself, just as I'll play with my wedding ring for the same purpose. There have been times where I'll actually hook my fingers under the cuff if I'm getting too stressed out.

But I'm so sick and tired of my being stressed out and crashing overriding the things I want to do to show Him my undying devotion. To show Him how deeply I love Him both as my Husband and as my Master. He knows I love Him. I tell Him I love Him constantly and I show my love and affection every day. But that doesn't mean I don't want to show my submission more, to show Him that I know and remember my place in our marriage. I get upset just thinking about how I haven't been able to is what feels like an eternity. I'm literally tearing up as I type this.

He has me shaving in a landing strip again, rather than being clean shaven. He knows I prefer clean shaven but it's not about what I want. It's about what He wants. And I do it. And I'm not bitching about it. Not at all. I am trying to please Him. I am trying to be very, very careful when I'm shaving it. When He has me do this I have fucked it up more times than I can count. I don't do it on purpose. I don't do it to be a brat or anything. It's just that I slip with the razor and it gets screwed up. Right now it is wider than I think He wants it. I'm not entirely sure honestly. He has obviously seen it and hasn't commented on how wide it is. He hasn't told me to make it smaller. It's so wide right now because I'm worried that if I bring it in a little bit that I'll fuck it up. I worry about it the most when I'm first growing it in. My pubic hair grows in extremely slowly. I've only been growing it for a few weeks now and still it's not all that thick as far as the hair itself goes.

But I want so badly to be able to submit to Him in a more.. I don't know how to word it. A more physical way? I'm not necessarily talking about sex or pain. I'm talking about presenting this to Him in a more physical way. Such as kneeling and laying my head in His lap and things like that. I'm not really sure what all I want to do to show Him this. I just know that I want to. That I crave to. That I need to do this.

I want to show Him that I am still His good girl. That I still love, need, and cherish that aspect of our relationship. That I need Him. That I need His firm grip on me. That I need His leadership and guidance. That I would be lost without Him. Words and hugs and kisses mean a lot. They really do. But the other things mean a lot as well.

I know my place. I am His wife but I am just as much His slave. Those two parts of my role are not only equal to one another but are intertwined. They and looped together and I want it no other way. I can't imagine them not being knotted together. I don't know what would happen to me if the knot started to be pulled apart or loosened.

Simpler Times

I've had this thought swimming around in my mind for a little while now, so I thought I should post about it.

I've been busy as fuck as my job. As a result I have been very sore and very tired by the time I get home from work. I'm tired to the point that the only slave like things I'm even remotely doing is asking if He wants something to drink while I'm on my way to the kitchen and asking if I may use the bathroom. Oh, and doing my blog every other night. *sigh* And I know that this up coming week is going to be more of the same. I've been approved for doing 10 hours of overtime this upcoming week. And yes, I plan on actually doing that. I know it's necessary and yes I hate it. I don't hate it just for the fact that I'm at work that much, although that is part of it.

I also hate it because I come home to eat and sleep. That's pretty much it. I'm only awake for about 4 hours after I get home. That's if I'm lucky. The other night I was home for 3 hours before I crashed out on the couch. I hate it. Part of that is because I'm so wiped out mentally and my fibromyalgia is kicking my tail.

I want to spend more time with Him. I want to be a better wife/slave than what I'm able to be when I'm that sore and tired.

As a result my mind wandered to simpler times. Those were when I was in college. I wasn't working at the time. All I was doing was going to college, doing homework, and that was it. It left quite a bit of time for the good fiance then good wife as well as a good slave. We got married about a year into my going to college.

I was originally going for web design. I did eventually realize that isn't want I wanted to do. So I had looked into switching my major.

Before I could I had to "drop out". We hit a really rough patch financially speaking and I knew that I couldn't hold a full time job and go to college as well. I know that a lot of people can, and do, but I decided that I couldn't. So off to the working world I went and I never went back to college.

It was simpler because I had more time. I had more time to serve Him the way He wants to be served. I wasn't as worn out and  I wasn't as stressed out. Also, I was rocking out the whole college thing. I was getting awesome grades. And Master would comment on how hot I looked laying down mainly naked, if not fully nude, while pouring over my college books. He was also always so proud of me. That is a wonderful feeling. It's not that He isn't proud of me anymore, but it felt different back then. It felt like I was actually accomplishing something and earning Him being proud of me. I don't feel that I do that when I'm working.

But each time I switched jobs to make better money and to have a more stable job the more I became stressed and tired. And that started to cut into what I wanted to be doing more and more.

I have wished, many times, that I could be a stay at home slave. It's not that I don't want to contribute to this marriage financially. It's not that I want to be a pampered slave girl. The appeal to me is that I could serve Him at any point during the day, whether it be sexually or something else. That would be my main focus rather than work having to be my main focus and my submission being forced to the back burner.

I know it will never happen. That doesn't mean I can't dream about it.

Damn You Blog

My blog is apparently attempting to get me into trouble. The bitch.

I didn't do a blog post on Friday as currently the rule is every other night. I posted on Thursday and Friday was my night "off" from the blog. So obviously my next post would be "due" on Saturday.

Well, Saturday morning the mutt got me up like he always does. Saturdays are my day to take the dog out and Sunday is Master's. So, the mutt hops up on the foot of my side of the bed and bounces off of it. This is how he wakes me up. It startles me every damn time.

I get bundled up and take him out. I was hoping to be able to go back to bed and get some more sleep. But that wasn't in the cards. As soon as I got inside and took of my jacket and gloves I knew I was awake and there was no way that I was going to be able to go back to bed without just tossing and turning, aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep.

As a result I just stayed up while Master continued to sleep. I figured that I might as well just go ahead and do my blog post then so I didn't have to do it later that night. Sounds good, right?

I type out my post and then hit "publish" to make it to post to the blog. I even posted a direct link of the post to my Twitter. I do that every time I make a post in case any of the people who follow me want to click the link and read that particular post.

Once that is done I just dick around online and end up watching Divorce Court on YouTube. Once Master wakes up we spend the rest of the day just relaxing.

I didn't think about my blog at all since I had already done the post. However, later on Sunday Master asks me why I hadn't made a blog post yesterday (Saturday). I look at him, dumbfounded, and say, "I did make a post Saturday."

He tells me to come over to the computer and bring up my blog. I did. And sure as shit my Saturday post wasn't there. I wasn't going crazy, I knew I damn well made that fucking post. I actually started to freak out a little bit. I didn't want Master thinking that I had disobeyed, especially when I only have to do a post every other night.

I quickly login to my blog and look at the post list. Oh, it was there. But it was only a draft. It had never actually published. What the fuck?! How would I post it to my Twitter account without having already published it. I showed Master that it had been made but that it had somehow ended up only saving itself rather than publishing to the blog.

He said, "Well at least there is a valid explanation."

I let out a sigh of relief and immediately published the post. Hence why the date on my last post says it's from Sunday rather than Saturday.

I have no idea how it just ended up as a draft to begin with. I was more than awake to realize what I was doing and which button I was clicking. I remember hitting the publish button, going to the homepage of my blog, clicking the link, and putting the direct link on my Twitter. I don't know if it somehow reverted to a draft after the fact or what... A hiccup in the system maybe? Who knows.

I'm just glad I could show Master that the post had actually been done.

Good Girl

There is nothing wrong with praise and/or receiving "rewards" from your Master. I have read things along those lines. Blogs that state that if you are a slave you shouldn't expect to receive such things. And some go so far as to say you shouldn't get them at all because you are a slave and there for are too low to even be acknowledged let alone praised. Fuck that noise by the way.

I don't expect anything. If He wants to praise me He will. If He wants to reward my good behavior, that's His idea not mine.  Do I hope sometimes? Well, yeah. Not really on the whole reward thing but with the praise. Sometimes when I do something I really hope I'll get a "good girl" and a nuzzle or maybe He'll pet my hair for a little while. But that's a hope. That's not an expectation. That would mean I got pissed off if it didn't happen. And I don't. I don't even really feel disappointed. It's all up to Him and, after all, I'm only doing things I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm not really doing anything special. I'm supposed to do what I'm told and to follow rules that He has set up. I do my best to adhere to those and not forget them. I honestly think that minus that one hiccup a little while ago when I forgot to ask if I could stay dressed, I've been doing pretty damn well.

I haven't been punished in a long time. I've gotten a very stern reprimand here and there and sometimes a look that cuts right through me. But no punishment.

As far as my rewards go they range. Here is a small list of things that I am rewarded with. I'm leaving the praise out just because that's a completely different thing to me. I know I'm going to forget somethings but here are the ones I can name off of the top of my head.

• An extra long back massage.
• A full body massage front and back, from my neck to my feet.
• Extra long cuddle time.
• Being allowed to cum more frequently while He is fucking me. 
• Brushing my hair. (I can't be the only one that loves having their hair brushed.) 
• Being able to kneel at His feet with my head in His lap while He pets my hair.
• Him jumping in the shower with me to wash me down and wash my hair.

Those are my favorites. Like I said, I know I'm missing some. So please don't think that's all. Because I know it isn't, I just can't think of any other ones right now. Then again I'm half brain dead at the moment. So I'm just really hoping this post makes sense. 

In regards to praise sometimes it's simply verbal and sometimes it's something extra affectionate that He does. Sometimes He'll call me a good girl. (Gotta love the "good girl" praise. It never gets old.) Sometimes He'll just give me a smile and kiss my forehead and then petting my head a little bit before sending me off to go relax or do something else for Him.

There is nothing wrong with such things, in my opinion. Just because I'm a slave doesn't mean I can't be rewarded and praised by my Master.

Loved, Needed, & Wanted

This may sound somewhat stupid. Hell, it may sound extremely stupid. But these past four days I have had off of work have really helped me. They have allowed me to decompress for more than a day and a half and it has also allowed me some extra down time that I really needed. I think it has helped me get back into the dynamic head space that I need to be in. 

I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like we've been able to focus on us 100% of the time. Thursday we were at His mom's, Friday we were at my dad's, yesterday we had to ourselves, and today we had to run an errand with His mom. That errand took significantly longer than either of us expected but oh well. It's done.

But I don't always need it to be just the two of us time in order to get back into where I need to be. I felt myself getting it right a little bit more each day. I feel that I took a bigger step yesterday because it was all about us, but it was bit by bit. And today I feel like I should feel.

I'm not saying that I was completely out of sync. I wasn't. I was minding my place, I was being a good girl (for the most part), and I was serving Him as I am supposed to. But I haven't gone this deep into that head space in a long, long time.

It's just that so many other things bleed into one day after another that it's not always easy to just let it all flow off my back like water so I can focus properly. These past four days I have had time to do so. It was bit by bit but it eventually accelerated and here I am now.

I always feel so much more peaceful when I'm in that deep slave space that my mind goes to. I wish I could feel like this all the time. Hell, I wish I could stay home and be a stay at home slave. That's never going to happen mind you. It's not financially feasible just as it isn't for most couples, married or otherwise. And unless we run into a fuck ton of money, it's never going to be feasible. It's just how the world works.

But on nights like tonight, where I know that in a handful of hours I'll have to go to bed in order to go to work in the morning that wish becomes very strong. At least being a slave is easier. Well, not really easier. But at least when I'm doing that I'm in a more peaceful state of mind. I feel like I have purpose. I feel like I'm doing something that matters.

Bringing home a paycheck matters. It really, really does. But the things I do to earn a paycheck feels so bland and gray. My whole work day just seems paled out. Almost as if there isn't any color until I get home from work. And then, even though it's night time, I feel like the color snaps back.

If I were able to just stay home and serve Him the color wouldn't bleed away. I know a lot of it is that one, I don't really feel like what I do at my job matters, two, that I have a shit ton of stress at work, and three that I don't feel appreciated when I'm at work.

With Master I feel appreciated. It doesn't  feel like I don't matter. It doesn't feel like I'm replaceable. With Master I feel loved, cared for, wanted, needed, and protected.

Damn real world and all it's bullshit has to come in and pause it from 9 to 5 Monday through Friday.

At least if it's a day off of work and we have a lot of errands to do, I'm still with Him. As mundane as the errand(s) may be, I'm with Him. And if I'm not I don't have anything sucking the life out of me before I get home to Him.

I'm going to try fucking hard as hell to just keep my mind where it is right now throughout the work week and then maybe, hopefully, I won't feel so washed out come Friday.