April 22, 2014
Today I met my brother at his place and from there we called the hospital to make sure it was okay to stop by to visit Grandpa. He had no clue we were coming and we wanted it to be a bit of a surprise. The nurses gave us the go ahead basically and so off we went. First we had to stop at a store and pick up a picture frame. We had a picture we wanted to give him but we wanted it in a nice frame rather than just handing him the picture itself.
Both my brother and myself were nervous and talkative on the way to the hospital. I hadn't seen Grandpa in a while and neither had my brother. We basically weren't sure how he was going to look and how lucid he was going to be.
Our dad and uncle would tell us he was in and out of it, yet our mother would tell us that he is perfectly lucid. Two very conflicting opinions. So neither of us really knew how he was going to be.
We had to ask four different people for directions on how to get up to the top floor. The hospital is huge and has changed a lot since the last time I was there which was about 11 years ago. All I told myself on our way up was that I wasn't going to cry in front of Grandpa.
One thing my father had told me was that to basically not correct Grandpa if he said something that wasn't exactly true or talked about something that happened but not the way he said it did.
Grandpa was very happy and surprised to see us. He loved the picture. For a little while he seemed like the same Grandpa I've always known but that only lasted a little while. He was awake and talkative but I'm glad my dad told me not to correct Grandpa because otherwise I wouldn't have been prepared.
Grandpa would know who both of us were and then he would call us different names of other family members. And then he would go back to using our actual names. He would sit there and look off to thin air and start talking to someone other than my brother and I. I knew he had been talking to Grandma, who passed away 20 years ago, but now he is also talking to his twin. When my grandfather was born he had a twin, but the twin died at birth.
We had to leave the room twice while we were there. One time was so the nurse could take him to the bathroom. The second time was because shortly after that he had wet himself and they had to take him to the bathroom to clean him up and put him in a new hospital gown.
It was heartbreaking to see him struggling with other things. He would pick up the picture frame that we had just given him and then get mad at himself because he then realized that it wasn't a mirror. He asked me a few times if he had his socks on. He was constantly moving his water cup on the little table by his side but then move it back to where it was. You know those little cardboard milk containers you got in elementary school? Well, he had one of those with a straw in it. He very slowly and carefully picked it up and when he tried to drink from it he couldn't seem to get the straw in his mouth. The first time it was inches away from his face and he still looked like he was attempting to drink it. Then he said, "Oops. I didn't get any that time." So he tried again and this time the straw rested on the outside of his cheek and he tried to drink again. He got frustrated by that point and I asked him if he needed help. He didn't get mad at me, he just said no thank you. Rather than making another attempt he just put it down again.
He has a sign right outside of his hospital room labeling him as a high risk for falling if he tries to walk without assistance. He kept telling us that he didn't know where his pen was and continuously checked his gown for it. There aren't any pockets. I didn't try to explain that to him, I simply said, "Don't worry Grandpa, I'm sure they'll give you a new pen."
He has very dark bruises from when he fell from three weeks ago. They don't seem to be healing. He is just so... confused. He said that he just got done building a house and that this summer he is going to make a garden so he can grown tomatoes and cucumbers. He built the house 40 years ago. He told me that his dog's name is the name of the dog that my father and uncle grew up with. Neither my brother or myself corrected him. That would have only upset him more.
He is nothing but skin and bones. It was so hard to see him like that. But I didn't cry. I felt like I was going to at one point but I calmed myself down really quickly and Grandpa didn't see it because it was when we were waiting in the hallway while the nurse was cleaning him up.
So, I think what is happening is that when my mom sees him he is pretty lucid and she doesn't see him have a bad moment or moments. But today.. there is no way I can kid myself and say that Grandpa is going to go home. He wouldn't be safe. Not at all. Even with someone living out there with him. The nurses had to keep telling him how to sit down safely because he was trying to sit on the floor rather than the chair because he thought the chair was behind him rather than in front of him. We stayed for about an hour and then said goodbye and told him that we love him.
I know this post probably seems all over the place but... well.. that's kind of how things are going on in my head right now. I haven't cried. I think being slapped in the face with the reality that no, Grandpa isn't going home.. ever.. has put me into a bit of shock.
He was transferred to what they are calling a rehabilitation center this afternoon about four hours after we left. I just... I don't know. I guess he is supposed to be in the rehabilitation center for a while and then eventually be transferred to an assisted living complex. That's if he lives that long. That may sound cold or harsh but... well... it's the truth. He may pass away at the rehabilitation center.
Only time will tell. My dad sent me a text once Grandpa was settled into the rehabilitation center so I knew he was okay and that he had taken the framed picture with him. Dad told me that it's in his room and it looks very nice.
So now... just wait and see what happens. I told my brother that once Grandpa is settled in the rehabilitation center for a while we should meet up and go visit him again.
April 20, 2014
Master came over to comfort me and once I got myself under some semblance of control I went to blow my nose. Apparently my brother is thinking about visiting Grandpa on Tuesday and said I could tag along. But we are going to call first to see if he's up for company. My dad sent me a text just now saying Happy Easter and I sent him a text back. I also told him that my brother and I were thinking about visiting Grandpa on Tuesday. I am waiting on a reply. I'm not sure if he's going to say it's a good idea or if we should wait or what.. I have no idea what's going on in my dad's head right now. Hell, when Grandma died he wore sunglasses to her wake so no one could see him crying. Dad always feels like he has to be the strong one and so doesn't show a lot of vulnerability such as crying.
Okay, I just got a reply from Dad saying that he thinks it would cheer Grandpa up if we both went but to just make sure we call first to see if he's up for a visit. So now Tuesday is a go, as long as Grandpa is up to it that day. I'll be driving down to my home town and meeting my brother at his place. Then we'll both head over to the hospital. After that we'll go back to his place and he'll follow me up to my place to hang out with Master and myself for a while.
Before we went down to His mother's I cried on and off. Not a lot. A few tears here and there. But I got myself under control.
I started this post before we left because I wanted to get some of it down. Now we are back home from His mother's place and it went pretty well actually. It's always a 50/50 shot with her and her husband. But it went okay. We ate and joked a little bit here and there. We stayed about three hours and then headed home.
I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I was tossing and turning and just couldn't get comfortable. I also couldn't get my mind to shut down completely. I would get 15 minutes here and an hour there. It was just a constant in and out of sleep. As a result I'm pretty sluggish today.
Master still has me on the every other day posting requirement and I did a post yesterday but I wanted to write today since I talked to Grandpa and will be seeing him, hopefully, on Tuesday.
April 19, 2014
Grandpa was transferred to the hospital where his heart doctors are yesterday a little after he was released from ICU. Then he had the experimental surgery shortly there after. He is still alive but the doctors said that it didn't do any good either. Basically he went through it for nothing.
Today he is going from lethargic to what the nurses are calling combative. They had to pad the sides of his hospital bed so he doesn't accidentally hurt himself.
I ended up breaking down and crying last night for a little while. Master came over to the couch and sat next to me so He could hold me. I was able to continue talking while crying to explain more to Master. Normally when I'm crying I can't talk at all so that was a bit of an accomplishment on my part.
Since my father and I had that talk he has been a lot better about keeping me informed and up to date. It may not be right away, but I can understand that. That man has a lot of shit on his plate right now. So I only checked in once. The rest of the time I waited for him to contact me. I just wanted periodic updates. I don't need anything right away unless of course he passes away. Then I would like to know as soon as possible, obviously.
Today I sent my father a text to see if I could tag along to his next visit. He told me he would let me know and see if Grandpa is up to more than one visitor at a time. I would rather go with my dad rather than just showing up on my own. Part of it is due to my grandpa's memory issues and the other part is that I would feel more comfortable about it especially after Grandpa telling everyone he doesn't want visitors. I think doing a tag along would be easier on everyone.
Last night Grandpa thought he was in a hotel room waiting for his deceased wife to visit. This makes me think that it won't be very long. Him talking to Grandma and him saying that she's on her way to visit him or she is in the next room or that she is right next to him has been becoming more frequent for a few months now but this past week it has been non-stop.
April 17, 2014
This time I was actually in town visiting my mother when she got the call. So she told me and I spent a little extra time down there to see if there would be any updates. I didn't go to the hospital because basically he was in and out and the doctors didn't want a lot of people there, which I understand. They had actually told my dad and uncle to go home and they would let them know if there were any changes. But I wanted to stay down there for a little longer just in case things escalated. Around 2:30pm I called my brother and he said things were the same so I decided to go home. I had called my brother as he was with my dad and uncle to request an update. What I thought I heard was that Grandpa had been sent home.
Then about an hour after I got home my mom calls, "Did you know that Grandpa never left the hospital and that he's still there? Your dad, uncle, and brother are out at Grandpa's house." Well no.. I didn't know that because I thought my brother had said that Grandpa had been sent home.
So I sent my brother a text. Apparently I had misheard him which is entirely possible since I was outside when I was on the phone with him and it wasn't exactly quiet. What my brother had said was that they (meaning my dad, my uncle, and my brother) were out at Grandpa's house. My bad. I sent my brother another text and then he called me rather than responding via text as he felt it would be easier.
And from there I just kind of blew up. Not at my brother. Well.. it was at my brother because he is the one I was talking to but it wasn't about him. What I blew up about is that every time something important happens, such as Grandpa being in the hospital, no one tells me shit until after everything has happened. I have to wait for someone to tell Mom and then I hear it from her. Grandpa had been in the hospital since 7:30am and here it was 6pm and still neither my dad or uncle had called me. It's like a fucked up version of telephone. I knew damn well my brother was still with my uncle because I could hear him in the background. So I told my brother flat out that I feel like just because I don't live in town, like everyone else does, I don't merit a phone call. I have to wait for my mother, who isn't even blood related to Grandpa, to tell me. Don't get me wrong, my mother and my grandfather still talk to one another and she has known him since she was 16 years old. I get that. But since this is my father and uncle's dad I feel that they are the ones that should be calling me.
I don't expect an hourly update but a single phone call just telling me that he is in the hospital would be fucking nice. I was so pissed off and upset that I was shaking. Visibly shaking. I wanted to cry but was too pissed off to cry. My brother said that maybe they didn't have my phone number. Are you kidding me?! Okay, our uncle might not but Dad sure in the fuck does. My brother confirmed that I have my uncle's phone number. Fine. So I told my brother to make sure that our uncle does and if either our uncle or our father thinks I'm pissed off at them, let them because I am.
I understand that things are hectic as fuck when shit like this goes down but if they have time to call my brother and my mom they sure in the hell have time to call me. Hell, I should know before my mother does.
I explained to my brother that I wasn't mad at him at all and that I was sorry for putting him in the middle but I was just too pissed to talk to Dad or our uncle. Later on I got a text from my brother saying that during that phone conversation he was only with our uncle and not our dad. So I asked him what he had to say. Direct quote: "He agreed with you and how stupid it was." In other words he felt like a complete asshole. I'm sure word will trickle on over to our father but I doubt he'll call and say anything about it because he'll feel like an asshole too.
After I was off the phone with my brother, prior to the text messages, I vented on a social network site I'm on and my dad's girlfriend has access to view what I say. I didn't give a shit. I unloaded both barrels. Why? Because I'm pissed and I shouldn't have to chase people for information like that. So is she decides to say anything about it to Dad go for it.
Of course about 15 minutes after I got done talking to my brother I get a text from my mom asking me to call my dad to get an update. Fucking hell. So I called her and told her flat out I am not calling my father. I told her what I had said to my brother and that I'm too pissed to call Dad. If she wants to call my father fucking go for it. If I do hear anything I will let her know. But I'm not calling him.
She seemed surprised by what I said to my brother and to her. Why? Normally when it comes to shit like this I back the fuck down and wait or I back the fuck down but call and request an update. Since it is so stressful and hectic I typically understand. But this time broke the damn last straw. I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't warrant even being told that something as serious as Grandpa being put in the hospital. As if I can just wait until everyone else but me finds out. I'm last in line.
One thing that my brother said is that maybe our dad or uncle don't want me rushing down when there is nothing I can do or things are in standby mode. No excuse. Just simply tell me that, "Hey. Grandpa is in the hospital. There is no need to rush down right now but we just wanted to let you know and we'll keep you updated." How easy is that? Two to three sentences covers all of it.
Anyway, like I said my mom was shocked. She was actually quiet when I told her. She also seemed shocked that I told her I wouldn't call Dad. Hey, she wants an update she can call him. My exact words to her were, "I don't know why you are asking me for an update when I'm the last one to know anything anyway and you have to be the one to update me, not the other way around." I told her that if I did in fact receive an update I would let her know.
This may all come across as a pity poor me party but I don't care. My grandfather is important to me and I love him very much. So, when I'm the absolute last person to be told and I'm not even told by my dad or my uncle it fucking pisses me off.
They are talking about keeping Grandpa over the weekend but they had said that the last time and sent him home the very next day. They did want to shock Grandpa again and he told them no. They talked to my dad about it and he backed up Grandpa's wishes.
I'll just say that if I do not get an update from anyone but my mother from this point forward I will blow up more than I did today. I'm not trying to make it all about me but for fuck's sake! I'm sick and tired of doing this
Okay.. as I was making this post my dad called me. I literally stopped typing because I had my ear buds in listening to some heavy music to try and blow off steam as I was making this post. I stopped because Master brought the phone to me. I didn't hear it ring. It was my dad. He told me as soon as I answered to just let him get everything out and then I can talk. Okay, cool. He explained that he prefers to have all the information he can possibly get before he tells anyone. My uncle is the one that jumped the gun and called both my brother and my mom. Dad didn't call anyone. After a lot of apologies to me and further explanation as to why he wanted to wait he "allowed" me to talk. I had calmed down a lot since he explained and I understood where he was coming from. He also said that he understands where I was coming from and that he promises that he will call me if/when Grandpa is in the hospital as soon as he knows why he is in the hospital. Long story short I am no longer pissed off at my dad and we both see where the other is coming from. I told him that I didn't call him to complain because I didn't want to get in a yelling match with him. He had planned on calling me as soon as he got home but apparently just when he was going to start dialing me up his girlfriend called and read him the message that I posted on the social network site. I had a feeling that would happen. That is why my father was so apologetic and I know he felt like an asshole. I have never in my life received so many apologies from my dad. My dad is very stubborn.
I explained that I would prefer to know as soon as Grandpa is in the hospital and they know why. That way I know what the hell is going on. Other wise Grandpa would have been in the hospital for 12 hours by the time Dad called me and that would have been the first I would have known about it. He told me he understood and promised he would call next time. He also told me that if I ever receive a call from my uncle, my brother, or my mom in regards to anything dealing with Grandpa to call him (meaning my dad) directly. That way I get as much of the story as he has and I get it first hand. If I have to leave a voice mail he will call me back as soon as he can.
So.. the full update is this. No one knows if Grandpa called 911 or if his "heart alarm" did it. However, the paramedics showed up and Grandpa was on the couch still breathing but unresponsive so they rushed him to ICU.
His heart rate was rapidly fluctuating from 80 to 165 and Grandpa didn't seem to be in any pain at all, which everyone finds extremely odd. Grandpa only has 5% of his heart that is even remotely healthy and the rest of it is his pace maker. Basically if he didn't have that he would have died already.
The doctors wanted to shock his heart again. Both Grandpa and my dad said no. They then suggested an experimental surgery but the risk is high. The surgery is going through an artery in his groin up to his heart and shocking it from the inside. Basically they said that there are only two outcomes. Either it will work or he'll flat line. There is no in between. And since he has a DNR they wouldn't be able to attempt to bring him back. Apparently Grandpa has not yet made a decision on that as he wants to know more from his own doctors. So, tomorrow they are hoping that they can transfer him to the hospital where his heart doctors are. They don't know if he'll be stable enough to be transferred because he is still, at this moment, in the ICU.
My dad promised me that he will either call or text when Grandpa is transferred or if a major development happens. I said that was fine and assured him that I didn't care what time it was. It can be 4am.. just let me know.
I feel a lot better since talking to him. I know I should have done that in the first place but I was too pissed off and I am my father's daughter so I can be rather hard headed myself. I don't like fighting with family. Especially my father. That's why I normally back down a bit, but this time I just couldn't help it and my dad understood. I'm really glad we talked once we were both calmer and I'm really glad that he was literally about to call me but his girlfriend saw my social media site post and called him before he had the chance. If I knew that was the only reason he called I would have exploded. But that's not the case and when my dad tells me something I believe it 100%. People can say what they want about my dad but I trust him. He has never lied to me about anything remotely serious so I believe him.
April 15, 2014
Some stresses have been relieved. We were waiting on a few things to be resolved and they finally have been. Unfortunately I am still doing job hunts. I haven't had a job offer yet although I have had a few interviews. And I have a data entry test on the 29th for a job that would be really hard but really rewarding and pay more than I was making before. I'm hoping that goes well.
Master is still waiting on an answer regarding that pet project of His. He is getting more and more anxious. I understand why. I know He wants to move forward with it ASAP but I also know that the response He is waiting on is from someone who has a lot on their plate and had said that he would look at it at some point this week. It's only Tuesday. Don't get me wrong I want to know too since we have both put a lot of effort into it. It's just not something we can push overly much because I don't want Him to be shot down simply by said person being annoyed by the "hounding" as it were. Master has only sent one "reminder" message and is now sitting on His fingers. Hopefully He'll hear something soon.
Today was stressful as fuck thanks to our bank not informing us of something that they damn well should have. I have it sorted out, mostly, but now I'm waited for them to resolve it on their end which can take 2 to 5 business days. *sigh*
No real updates on Grandpa. It's basically more of the same. I'm pretty much going on a "No news is good news" mindset right now. That doesn't stop me from jumping a little bit every time the phone rings. I don't immediately panic but I do jump a bit and wait to see what pops up on the Caller ID.
Ugh... even typing this short post is dragging for me. My brain is scattered as hell. The weather by Sybil shit is not helping at all. Just.. blah.
April 13, 2014
Finally, a little after 3pm, I made that coding my bitch! I got it working and I was so happy that I actually said "YES!" rather loudly and did a little dance in the computer chair. Master had been playing a video game and when He heard me yell yes He hopped up and said, "You got it working?!" I was actually a little smug about it. *laughs* "Hell yes I got it working!"
He asked me to show Him but before I did I backed up that template. No way I was going through that again. I had actually made it look better than I had originally thought I could. He was so pleased. He was proud of me and I was proud of myself.
He had me get off the computer so He could resubmit it for review and gave me a huge hug and kiss and said, "I'll eat your pussy later on tonight."
Well, hell... I can't complain about that kind of reward! He hasn't heard anything back yet and is on pins and needles. While this isn't my "baby" I did put a lot into it and I'm excited for Him and am anxious to know what the response will be.
Later on that night I got a very long and relaxing back massage. Around 4am He ordered me to the bedroom where He ate me out and I exploded into a mind blowing orgasm. He scented me with my own pussy juices and allowed me to catch my breath for a moment. But I didn't just want to lay there to catch my breath. I got up, faced Him, laid in between His legs and took His cock into my mouth. I sucked it for a little while and then knelt up on the bed. He told me to turn around and as soon as I did He pushed His cock inside of me. I was highly sensitive and it didn't take long for me to get off again. He was kneeling on the bed and had me kneeling in front of Him so He could bounce me off His cock. Another orgasm later He had me put my ass in the air and my face to the mattress. Three more orgasms later He filled me with His cum.
Needless to say I went to sleep, curled up in His arms, with a huge smile on my face.
April 11, 2014
Like I said, I was more than happy to help. I think part of the reason why I enjoyed it is because a few of the things I wanted to put in there were something I had never done before. So not only did I get to do coding but I also got to research a few things that I didn't know how to do before. Hell, I might use a couple of those tricks on my blog now that I know how to do them. In fact, I think I'll mess around with that tonight as long as Master doesn't need the computer and allows me to do it.
I was actually shocked when I turned around and told Master I was done. He took a look at it and He was very, very pleased. He did ask me to tweak a couple of mall things on it which were very easy to alter. Once I was all done I showed Him the things He would need to use in order to put in the entries He wanted.
He was like a kid in a candy store once He got the hang of it. And I was very proud of myself. I'm not saying it's 100% professional looking but it's exactly what He was looking for. I felt proud and I think He was proud of me.
Even though it didn't take long I felt like I had accomplished something. I would say that it took me about three hours total. The time was broken up because He would need to kick me off the computer for a little while. Unfortunately we only have the one computer. But I didn't mind. How could I? After all I was doing a favor for Him and it wasn't taking me as long as I had originally thought it would.
He may or may not need me to help Him with it again in the future. I, of course, would be more than happy to. I'm just glad that He was so pleased by it.