January 29, 2015
But then this morning I half woke up just enough to realize that my left side was getting stiff so I should probably readjust myself before I drift back off to sleep. But as soon as I did I woke up all the way because my head felt like it had filled itself with snot. I got out of bed and I think I blew my nose about five times before it even began to start feeling better. I took a benadryl and then went back to sleep. It must have knocked me the fuck out though because I didn't wake up again until 11:30am. That is super late. But when I got up Master was still asleep as well. Apparently He had much the same problem I did.
But His sinuses cleared up more than mine did through out the day. Mine had continued to kick my ass even after a second benadryl. I almost never take those because they make me so tired but I would rather be tired than not being able to breathe.
Since I hardly ever take them and I had taken two in less than a twelve hour period it knocked me out and I ended up taking a nap for about an hour and a half. The shitty thing is that I still can't breathe completely out of one nostril and I'm still tried.
I can't catch a break today apparently.
However on a good note I have been getting orders for my paracord. *smiles* They are all local. I did create a website in an attempt to sell them online. But so far nothing. Oh well. At least I'm trying to expand it and if it kicks off it does and I'll be happy about it. If it doesn't? *shrugs* I'll still keep it up to date though, just in case someone stumbles upon it and wants to place an order. No one wants to order from a site that hasn't been updated recently.
I'm also starting to wonder if I should list them on craigslist. I won't do it on ebay. Basically aside from the social network site I'm on I'm looking for other ways to sell, even if it involves shipping. I've been brainstorming but so far the website I made is all I've come up with. I'm sure I'll think of something else. I already made a separate e-mail account for it.
January 27, 2015
I was visiting him regularly when he was in the hospital, when he was in rehabilitation in the hopes that he could build up some strength, and in the early parts when he was in the nursing home. But once his dementia started to get a lot worse I didn't feel like I could handle it anymore. I stopped going. I was constantly getting updates from my mother and my uncle. All of the news was heart breaking. I think that only furthered my dread of going again.
But today when my mother told me that she was going for the first time in three weeks (she has been pretty sick) for some reason I decided that I wanted to go too. My mother was surprised. Master was surprised. And to be honest I surprised myself.
I think part of why I wanted to go is because I have been so mad at my father for not going and basically not really wanting updates. He has told everyone time and again that the next time he was going to see his father, my grandfather, it would be when he was in a coffin.
I had justified it in my head that that is his father. I'm still technically the child here. I am almost 32 years old, but at the same time I felt/feel that he has more of a responsibility and I guess requirement.
But when I heard my mom say that she was going again that all ran through my head. I don't want the next time I saw my grandfather to be in a coffin. Not when I haven't seen him in so very long. I cried before I left. I was scared.
When we got there though I was fine. Okay I wasn't fine but I wasn't a mess either. I didn't cry. I smiled and talked with him. Honestly I was surprised he was up to talking. He doesn't talk a lot anymore. I had to tell him who I was several times before he recognized me, but honestly I wasn't expecting him to recognize me at all.
He had lunch while we were there. He didn't each much. He had a very, very small glass of chocolate milk that they put vitamins in. He ate chocolate pudding that also has vitamins in it. But he didn't really touch anything else. In fact he ate more imaginary food than anything.
He talked about how his doctor won't let him drive his car or mow his lawn anymore. He told me that he couldn't find his parachute and that the cords were all tangled up. (No idea. He has never been parachuting in his life.) I was very careful in how I answered his questions and I was also very careful not to offer too much assistance. He was struggling a lot with simple things and my first instinct was to help him. But I know that doing such would make him very angry. So I only offered help when it was absolutely necessary. Thankfully he didn't take my head off for it. In fact he was really nice about it.
My mother and I stayed for about a hour and a half. When we were getting ready to leave he was getting tired. I asked if I could give him a hug. He smiled and said my first name and then said, "That's my girl."
He gave me a very light hug. I tried very hard not to put any pressure into it. He is so, so skinny. His shoulder blades are literally jutting out and you can see that even though he has a thick flannel shirt on with a shirt on underneath.
I know that I caught him on a good day. In fact from all of the updates I have received I caught him on an insanely good day, even with the hallucinations. I had prepared myself for so much worse, which is why I was scared before I went.
Is that going to be my last visit? Probably not. Was it really difficult to sit there and hear him talk like that and watch him struggle with the tiniest things? Hell yes. But I am glad that I went. Am I expecting it to be that good next time? Hell no.
January 25, 2015
I wanted to give Him a blowjob. He wasn't about to turn that down. So I slid in between His legs after He sat up and propped up His back so that He was comfortable and started orally worshiping His cock. Shortly after I started my jaw started to bother me. I have TMJ. I tried to do everything I could think of it get it to relax so I could continue. I stretched my jaw a bit wider, I stopped moving and just held His cock in my mouth while moving my tongue, I even pulled back a few times so I could move my jaw side to side a bit. At one point I had to stop and pull His cock out of my mouth so that I could move my jaw around more.
I continued to stroke His cock and after a few moments I went back to it. My jaw got worse. So I pulled His cock out of my mouth again, turned my head to the side, and started working my jaw in an attempt to get it to pop. No such luck.
Master knew I was having problems. He simply asked if it was because of my jaw. I said yes. I promised Him that I wasn't "trying to get out of it". He said He understood and said we could just fuck. I pouted because I really wanted a shot in the mouth. So I asked if we could fuck until He was close to cumming and then I would go back to sucking His dick.
He didn't really say anything. Instead He just reached down, while I was laying there between His legs, and started stroking His dick. I gently placed my mouth around the head of His dick while He stroked the shaft.
After a little while I could tell that He wasn't able to go any faster with His hand because He would end up basically punching me in the jaw. *laughs* So I moved back a little and just stuck my tongue out so that the head of His dick, while He was stroking it, moved across my tongue. This way He was able to do His thing without worrying about me and I could still apply pressure and saliva. I mainly held my tongue still but I would, from time to time, move my tongue around. I would flick the tip of my tongue across the underside of His cock just below the head. I would swirl my tongue around the head of His dick. But mainly I just held my tongue out and applied as much pressure as I could.
It was an interesting sensation. He seemed to be enjoying it greatly. As soon as I knew He was just about ready to cum I waited until His hand had moved further towards the base of His cock and then took my mouth and basically swallowed half of His dick while swirling my tongue around it. I think that must have triggered it because I barely blinked by the time His load started to go down my throat.
As we were ready to curl up to go to bed I was wound up. I was horny as hell. I told Master as much. He chuckled and said, "Well I guess you'll just have to wait because I'm going to sleep." I smirked and cuddled up close to Him. I drifted off to sleep shortly there after.
January 23, 2015
I did not get upset. By that I mean I didn't break down crying or start yelling. I knew that He wasn't saying it to hurt me or anything along those lines. And I have to agree with Him. I'm in no way, shape, or form doing it on purpose. I'm not wanting to back out of the dynamic like I have said I wanted to in the past before I was medicated.
I also knew He was right.
While it was happening I didn't see it that way. Or I should say that I didn't really realize how far off the path it had gone. He hadn't brought it up sooner because of everything else going on and not wanting to stress me out further.
I really appreciate that, I truly do. I also appreciate that He is being so understanding. However, I did tell Him that I am glad He brought it up and that our relationship and dynamic are not part of the cluster fuck of things that are actually stressing me the hell out.
I'm glad that He brought it up.
I have been feeling down lately. Not because I need to up my meds or anything, but because everything seems to be closing in and becoming closer to being a reality. As soon as my grandfather is at peace the reality of what is actually going to happen with my father and the rest of the family is going to hit full force. It's not going to be slow. In fact I have a feeling that it will happen right after the wake, if not before.
But none of this excuses the way I have allowed things to slip on my end. I'm sure some of it is to be expected. I'm not perfect. And I'm not saying He expects me to be perfect. After all He has waited this long to bring it up to me. He has been patient.
I've just had my mind locked onto everything else so closely that I didn't realize what I was not paying enough attention to.
I'm going to try to refocus. It's not easy and He understands that. But I can try harder than I have been that's for sure. It'll also probably help me relax a bit rather than being so wound up all the time waiting for that final shoe to drop.
January 21, 2015
Fair warning: This part is going to be heavy on the medical shit. Somehow, someway my grandfather is still breathing. He has been through so much and he is going through even more now. And honestly yesterday he went through things that in my opinion were unnecessary. He is in pain constantly. He has fallen down more times than I can count because in his head he thinks he can do everything. Three of those times he has needed staples in his head. The list continues on and on and on. Since he isn't in his right mind, meaning he doesn't realize that he can't do a lot of things and tries to do them anyway and hallucinates a good amount of the time, he lies to doctors. Thankfully my uncle, Grandpa's son, goes with him to doctor appointments to correct things.
Okay.. anyway.. yesterday my grandpa was put through one hell of a procedure.
*This is where the medical jargon begins. Kinda graphic.*
My father and uncle (Grandpa's sons) decided that Grandpa needed to get another couple of tests done. Why? Because they wanted to see if he qualified for hospice. At the time I didn't understand why it mattered. He's already in a nursing home. But I thought that maybe the nursing home was requesting the tests to be done.
So, the procedure was two fold. They wanted to do a biopsy of his lung and to drain some of the fluid that are filling his lungs. They had been saying it was congestive heart failure. Because of that diagnosis it made me wonder even more why they were bothering with this.
Anyway, Grandpa was lying to the doctors about how he has been breathing and eating and what not. He was also telling them about dogs and cats that live in his room (there are no animals) and other things he hallucinates. As they did the procedure he had to be awake. He says that he felt everything and he was confused and scared. They took a needle in through his back and did the biopsy as well as draining the fluid from his lungs.
They apparently only drained one of his lungs and even then it wasn't even half way because his lung started to collapse so they had to stop. As soon as they did the fluid levels didn't take long to get back to where they were when they started the procedure. The test results should be available this Friday.
After receiving all of this info I was still sitting here wondering why the hell they made him go through all of that. He is dying. There is literally nothing they can do for him aside from give him pain killers and he's refusing those. He has a DNR. But then the truth came out. My dad and uncle decided that they wanted the tests done to prove that he qualified for hospice. Why? Because it will allow some insurance to take over and ease the "financial burden". Never mind they sold Grandpa's house and cashed in at least one of his retirement accounts to pay for all of this. They have the money to pay for it. And since my father is the financial POA I have a feeling he was the pushing for it so he didn't have to pay that high bill every month and therefore more money would be available for him.
I feel that they basically tortured the poor old man just to save some money. I am so confused by how to feel about my father lately that I don't know up from down on that particular subject.
Now on to the good!
We had lunch with Master's dad today. It was a really good time. We sat and talked for about two hours before his dad had to head home. I always look forward to seeing him. We always have fun and joke around. We also catch up on what Master's two youngest sisters are up to. They are always so busy! They are both under 18 and they have so many different things going on all year long. If it's not school it's one of the many things they do. Girl Scouts, choir, rock climbing, etc. and so on. In fact Master's second youngest sister is going to Germany this summer. Master seemed to be in a much better mood since seeing his dad. *smiles* Hopefully we'll catch up with him again soon. His schedule is also crazy because of the activities his two youngest are in.
January 19, 2015
Yeah I know. What the fuck am I talking about.
We got undressed, threw back the covers on the bed and curled up to one another. After that we watched porn and just cuddled while watching it until we both started getting a bit frisky. We left the porno on while we fucked.
I'll admit that once we started fucking I didn't watch the porno anymore. It didn't bother me or anything, it's just that the way my hair was in my face and the fact that Master had me moving around and what not I just didn't pay attention anymore. Whether or not Master continued to watch I have no idea.
I'm just glad that we did something different. Something out of the norm. It was also the first time we watched porn since we moved back in September. There has just been way too much going on so when we fuck we pretty much just got down to business. Granted we didn't really watch a lot of the porno itself. I think we got about half way through the second scene before we started fucking. I'm not sure what part it was on by the time we were done because, like I said, I wasn't watching it anymore. *laughs*
We also hadn't really cuddled like that in a really long time either. I love cuddling. Yes, we curl up when we go to sleep but that's completely different. Well, it is to me anyway. Whether it is to Him I have no idea.
I know that He enjoys cuddling, it's just that we don't do it all that often when we aren't about to go to sleep. I'm not complaining. It's not like I get mad about it. There just isn't a lot of opportunity to do so.
January 17, 2015
I haven't been able to stop running my hands over His freshly cut hair. I'm sure eventually I'll get used to it and stop. Well, maybe not. *shrugs* Although I didn't do it while He was eating me out the other night or while we were fucking. No real reason. I just didn't.
Have you ever heard a song that makes you think of your significant other? Most people have. I have plenty of those kind of songs. Now, have you ever heard a song that made you think of the dynamic you're in? I have some of those too. My most recent one is by Avenged Sevenfold. It's called "Scream". When Master first started buying their CDs I was always asking if it had that song on it. I had heard it on the radio and played it on YouTube repeatedly. Apparently I had heard the song before Master did even though it is a band He has recently gotten into. Now He seems to think about the song the same way I do. It may not be for the sames reasons but all I can say for sure is that now when it comes on He cranks it up to the point where the bass is shaking the side mirrors. I love it when that happens. I like a lot of bass in my music. If you have ever heard the song maybe you know what I'm talking about. If not, listen to it and see if you agree. I don't know if the M/s or BDSM lifestyle undertones were intentional? Hell, I don't even know if I'm the only one making that correlation.
Since I started making that website for my paracord items I've been surfing through templates since I ended up making it on a blog rather than a free website host. While doing it I saw quite a few that I thought looked pretty kick ass for my actual blog. I'm proud of what I've made for this but at the same time I get that itch every now and then to change it. This one is rather simplistic as well. I sometimes like it a bit more.... complicated? Involved? Interesting? *shrugs* I'm not sure what the right word is.
I know that Master doesn't really give a shit. And I could just be thinking about it for no reason. There have been plenty of times where I thought I wanted to change it to something else and then when I did I ended up changing it back immediately. That's why eventually I just made a test blog so I didn't have to keep fucking with my actual blog.
I also get this way about my blog when I'm bored. And I have been. So maybe. Who knows. It's entirely possible. It's also entirely possible that I'll scrap the idea entirely and leave it how it is. I sometimes wonder if people who read here get annoyed when I change the theme of my blog. I mean it's obviously the same blog and it has all the same content but the look of it changes. But as long as I like it and Master doesn't mind it's not that big of a deal.