July 28, 2014

Flirting & Molesting

Yesterday Master and I had been flirting a little bit here and there. He had molested my tits a couple of times throughout the day as well. It has been a while since we've done anything really like that. Don't get me wrong, we've been affectionate. It's just that we hadn't really flirted. It may sound stupid since we've been together for 11 1/2 years but I think it is a sign of a healthy relationship if every now and then ya flirt with your significant other.

Towards the early morning hours He was sitting at the computer. We were both naked by that point since all of the shades were drawn and we just wanted to be comfortable. I walked over to hug Him and I rested against Him. As I did so He tried to get my tit into His mouth but I giggled because my arm was in the way and I didn't move.

He laughed too and then told me to get my ass to the bedroom. I smiled and turned around to walk towards the bedroom. As I did so He smacked me on the ass. 

I got to the bedroom first and got comfortable. When He climbed into bed He hovered over me before taking my tit into His mouth and chomping down with His teeth. He alternated between using His tongue and lips to using His teeth. I love it when He mixes it up like that.

Once He was done He asked if I wanted to be eaten out. Yes, I know some people would find it odd that He asks since He's the one in charge, but that's how He is. Sometimes He just what He wants and sometimes He asks for my preference and makes His decision from there. I said that I would rather just be fucked. He commented on the fact that I hadn't really been in the mood for receiving oral in about a month. Honestly I hadn't thought about it or realized it. I just haven't been in the mood for it I guess. No reason. *shrugs* Dunno.

He wasn't exactly rough with me while we fucked but He wasn't exactly gentle either. *smirks* He had it so that my legs were straight up with my ankles resting on His shoulders while He leaned forward. It felt great but my legs weren't really liking it. I hate it when something feels great but then something like that happens. So He knelt up to take some pressure off of them. The rest of it went off without a hitch, thankfully. He eventually had me contorted again but in such a way that my legs were bent so that we wouldn't have a repeat of earlier.

Afterward we went back out to the living room for a while longer before finally calling it a night.

I will say that our sex life has been hit harder from everything that is going on than I originally realized. It's not like either of us are shying away from the other on purpose. Our affection levels haven't gone down at all. It's just the sex. I don't think it's conscious at all. It's just a side effect from everything. I don't feel slighted about it and I don't believe He does either. At least He hasn't said that He is. And I'm pretty sure He would have if He felt that way. It'll pick back up. I'm not even worried about it. Do I wish it was a bit more active? Yes. But it's not anyone's fault. It's not as if one is begging for it and the other is pushing it off. That's not the case at all. It's just how things are right now.

July 26, 2014

Tired Broken Record

The weather has been fucking with me today. I went down to my mother's to help her run a rummage sale. One minute I was chilly and the next minute I felt warm and sticky (not in a fun way) because suddenly it was very, very muggy. It would only feel chilly when the wind picked up and of course that seemed to be coming in sudden bursts out of no where. It also doesn't help that it feels like it is going to rain, but the weather doesn't say anything about it and it was supposed to rain last night but didn't.

Fuck you weather.com. You lying son of a whore.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. It was mostly that in and out kind of sleep where you are never completely asleep. Then again my stomach absolutely hated me most of the night last night so it's no wonder I didn't sleep well.

I've been taking naps shortly after dinner the past few nights. Why? Not sure. Most likely stress. There is just too much on both of our minds and as a result at night I'm sleeping like shit but then I feel drained through the day and take a nap. Rinse and repeat. So far today I haven't taken a nap. Then again it's still pretty early and I got a lot of fresh air today.

Right now I feel the beginnings of a migraine coming on but tonight is the night I'm supposed to do a blog post so I figured that I might as well get it done before it turns into a full blown migraine.

There are really no actual updates and typing out anything else on my mind would be nothing but repeating myself like a damn broken record. I just keep waiting for the day that I actually have some good news. Hopefully it's soon.

July 24, 2014

Busy, Busy, Busy

Yesterday we went out to my grandfather's. When my dad had originally asked us to come down he stated that it was so we could sort through things to get them ready for the estate sale. He asked us to be there between noon and one. No problem. We got there just a few minutes after noon. My uncle had been pulling things out of the basement for a couple of hours before we got there. But there was a lot more to bring up. I helped where I could but a lot of it was either too heavy or too awkward for me to carry. I felt bad about it but there wasn't really anything I could do and both Master and my uncle are obviously used to my limitations when it comes to things like that, so there weren't any hard feelings. However, my father didn't show up until almost 2pm, which was annoying. He didn't really help all that much because by that point Master and my uncle and had pretty much gotten it all. So my dad and I stayed upstairs and I thought we were actually going to start sorting but instead my dad just went through a couple of boxes and found a couple more small things he wanted to take. He did however find a watch of my grandmother's that he thought I would like.

I wasn't sure which one he was talking about but as soon as I saw it I knew... It was a watch that my grandmother wore and it was my favorite. She had quite a few watches, but this one was my favorite. It's a watch with a mother of pearl face. It has four rings that you can switch out that screws onto the face. It has a regular gold one, an onyx one, one is tiger eye and the last one is abalone. It was my favorite when I was a kid simply because you could switch them out. It had been sitting in a dresser drawer in it's box for at least 20 years so it obviously needed a new watch battery but other than that it is in beautiful condition. I took it.

In fact today I took it down to a local jewelry store. I got the battery replaced and I had as many links taken off of it that I could so it would fit me. My grandmother's wrists were quite a bit bigger than mine. It fits now, but it fits more like a bracelet than it does a watch. That's fine. They couldn't make it a tight fit because of how large it was to begin with and how large the links themselves are. My wrists are tiny. I typically don't like gold (it's gold plated) but in this very rare instance I think it looks really nice. I plan on wearing it when I'm not at home. I don't see the point in wearing it around the apartment when we are surrounded by clocks.

Anyway.. back to yesterday... 

Shortly after my uncle and Master were done bringing stuff out of the basement and putting them where they could we all sat down outside and talked. By the way, I don't think my grandfather ever threw out a Christmas tree before buying a new one. Holy shit...

After a couple of hours of sitting and talking Master and I looked at one another and He said, "If there isn't anything else to move we should probably get going..." Apparently that's all they wanted to do that day so Master and I headed home. Then my dad calls me today. He caught me between our running errands. I had just returned from getting the watch done. I told him that I had gotten it resized and that it works now. He was very happy to hear that. He called to ask if we would be able to come down again next week to help sort. I said yes, as long as I don't have a job interview. He told me that it would actually be sorting rather than just bringing stuff up out of the basement. He told me that he wants to get it to the point where after that day all they have to do is set stuff up on tables for the estate sale and that's that. Whether that's what actually happens I don't know. I asked him if he knew what day and he said he had to wait until either this upcoming Sunday or Monday because that is when they know my uncle's work schedule. I said that was fine.

After I got off the phone with him Master and I went grocery shopping, took the dog for a walk, and then did the dishes. I also had to pick up our dog's heart work for the month. It's been a busy day.

After I did my last post Master commented on it. He was basically glad I had come to that conclusion. I have tried to keep the leash in mind and I think I'm doing okay. Master hasn't said otherwise. And honestly I do feel better now that I am doing so. Master appears to be a bit more relaxed since then too. Granted it's only been two days, but still. I can already feel the change in my own stress levels.

July 22, 2014

Keeping The Leash In Mind

It seems like our life has been nothing but stress lately. I'm not exaggerating or trying to get sympathy. It's just how it is right now. And given everything that is going on Master has been loosening the leash more and more. It's not one of those situations where He is giving me enough rope to hang myself by it. He is trying to ease up on my stress by backing that particular aspect of our relationship off. And honestly, I know I've been taking advantage of that. I don't mean to. I truly don't. But I know I am.

He's not doing it "only" because of the situation with my grandfather. There is a metric fuck ton of other shit going on right now and it all adds to the other, creating this snowball effect that is threatening to bury us both at this point. We are doing our best to make sure it doesn't but so much is out of both of our hands that there isn't much we can do about it.

As a result, like I said, Master has been doing everything He can to make sure that nothing is added to all of this. I've ran with it. I know that He didn't let up on the dynamic so I can run around free of the leash, but it sometimes feels like I am and it's not His fault. It's all on me.

I will fully admit that there are some things that I need to be able to express without the leash in mind. And that is all well and good. But by my taking advantage of it, it has kind of defeated the purpose and honestly only hurt the situation. I know it adds to His stress, which isn't fair.

I need to keep the leash in mind more. After all, it'll lessen His stress and it will most likely make me feel better as well. For all I know it's adding to mine as well because I don't really have a structure that I'm following.

Now, that doesn't mean that I won't feel the need to pull away from the leash at times in certain situations but that's not the point. Those situations would be rather extreme at this point.

I feel horrible and ashamed that it has taken me this long to realize exactly how far off the leash I've been.  running. The man seriously deserves a medal for everything He is going through right now. He'll tell you that I'm going through more on an emotional level and all that but still....

I need to correct myself. I need to keep the leash in mind as much as I possibly can. I think having at least most of the structure back will help both of us and will make both of us feel better. And right now I think we both need something else aside from the stress to focus on.

July 20, 2014


Yesterday was busy as hell. I went down to my mom's to help her with some things that she needed done. As soon as that was over I had to drive back home and pick up Master. About five minutes after I walked into the door we headed back out to go to His brother's. His father's side of the family was having a belated cookout to celebrate His father's birthday. It was a good time and I'm glad that we were able to go.

I had gotten a lot of fresh air yesterday so that night I passed out on the couch and when we got to bed I seemed to pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow. It had been a long but good day.

Today has kind of been like playing phone tag... but with text messages. I personally prefer text messages over a phone call if it's going to be a relatively short conversation.

My brother had been saying for about the past three weeks that he wants to come up at some point this week. I had sent him a text early last week to try and find out when. He wasn't sure at that time so I sent him another text today about it and now it's a maybe for Saturday. I'm pretty sure that's the best I'm going to get out of him at this point.

I then contacted my father to see when the estate sale is. My uncle had kind of sort of mentioned last week that it would be this upcoming weekend. I got a text back from my dad saying he doesn't think it's going to be this weekend but that they need help sorting through things. I told him that we would help and that I needed to know when. He responded telling me that he has to talk to my uncle and that he would call me later. I wonder if he will actually call tonight or if he'll send a text or if I'll hear from him tomorrow. Either way I'm just going to wait for him to get a hold of me other wise I'm chasing him again and going to get the same answer repeatedly which only frustrates me more.

It doesn't help that they keep pushing shit back when it comes to this and if it had been left up to me this would have all been done and over with a month ago. After all, it's not like they haven't had time to get this done... They are just dragging their heels. It's frustrating but I'm trying not to get pissy about it.

Also, I feel drained as hell today. I know part of it is because I'm on the rag and another part of it is because it is so damn muggy today. Whenever it's really hot and/or muggy out I feel like I'm dragging myself whenever I move. Master is feeling the same way about the weather.

Hopefully my dad will get back to me with a specific date and time for when he wants us to come down and help sort. I have no idea what is left to sort through given the fact that the house is pretty empty... It's probably just small insignificant shit that, again, could have been sorted through last month.

*deep breath*

We shall see.

July 18, 2014

Getting Lost

I've been pretty irritable today. And part of yesterday as well. I'm sure part of it is because I should be getting my period soon. Hooray. But I know that's not all of it. The rest is just well... everything. I hate being at a stand still. And that's exactly where I am. Constantly. And I have been since April. As time goes by it's only getting worse. And lately it feels like I'm sitting on a live wire and just waiting to get electrocuted. I'm not sure if that's the correct way to describe it but that's the only way I can think of doing so. The talk Master and I had not that long ago helped... But each week that goes by it builds up just a little bit more and another week goes by and it gets cranked up a little bit more. I know it's not His fault and I really try not to be so tense and irritable. But I really don't have a way of letting it go. For some reason my body isn't allowing me to cry. So that outlet isn't there. I want to scream, but can't. And I don't mean scream at someone I mean just one long wordless scream. I mean I could but the cops would most likely get called thinking I'm being murdered. My screams get pretty damn high pitched too. It would probably make Master's ears bleed. *laughs*

One thing that I want to do I can't really. I would love to just lay down on our bed with the lights off, door closed, ear buds in, with bass heavy music cranked. I could just close my eyes and focus on absolutely nothing at all. I love getting lost in music. And to me that's the only way to do it.

The reason why I can't is because we don't have anything to play music on except for our computer. I have my smart phone but that takes up some of the data plan, since we don't have wifi. I'm pretty sure I can't download and/or upload any music to my phone without a SD card, which I don't have. Actually, I'll have to look into that. This phone is still new to me. With my last one I had to have an SD card and I never bought one because I felt that it would be a waste of money. I still think it would be a waste of money.

I would love it if I could just lay down in a dark room with some King Diamond, Alice Cooper, WASP, Rob Zombie, and KISS blaring in my ears. I would be one happy chick. Listening to heavy music has always helped me. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. Which is exactly why I'm listening to music on the computer while I'm doing this post. I can already feel it helping. I keep rolling my neck and stretching out my arms and arching my lower back a little bit. It's helping me loosen up a little bit. I don't feel as tight.

Anyway.. the odd thing about this whole tense sensation is that I have known for a long, long time now that there is nothing I can do about it. And for a good week or so I was fine. But now it seems to be building up again. I hate my brain. I hate the situation that I am/we are in. I want to get away from it for a little while but I can't. It's not something I can just walk away from for a little while. How can I? After all it's not something I can control and it's not even a thing as it's a situation. And it's not even a situation I can walk away from. I'm surrounded by it.

July 16, 2014

Busy Day

Today we finally got all of my dad's and uncle's stuff out of my grandpa's house. Well, all the big shit anyway. I know they both still have some small minor stuff they have to grab. But all of that can fit in the trunk of a car, so neither of them were worried about that today, thankfully.

It was kind of a cluster fuck yesterday. I sent my dad a text in the early afternoon to see what time he wanted us down there. He said he was going to rent the truck and then would let me know. No problem. Then, as it got closer to 7pm, I sent him another text just asking for an update. The next thing I know my uncle calls me and asks, "Did you just text your dad?"

Yep. Well, apparently my dad had been visiting him and had accidentally left his cell phone out there. So my uncle told me that he thinks my dad said to be there between 11:30am and noon. I said no problem and thanked him. I then sent a message to my dad's next door neighbor and asked him if he could double check with my dad. He informed me that my dad had literally pulled into the driveway, got out, swore his head off, got back in his car and left. I thanked him. At that point I knew my dad was heading back out to see my uncle and get his cell phone.

About a half hour later my dad sent me a text back and said that between 11:30am and noon was fine. *laughs* But at least we got it figured out.

When we pulled up today my dad already had the u-haul truck there. We helped him put a few things in there from his house and then went to my uncle's apartment and helped him get some of his stuff in the truck. Once all that was done we headed out to my grandpa's house. We unloaded the truck of their stuff. They want to try and sell it at the estate sale, which should be in a couple of weeks.

We put all of the large stuff they were taking from Grandpa's house and put it in the truck. We stayed there for a little while to catch our breath and so that my uncle could walk Grandpa's dog. As he was doing so I looked at my dad and said, "I feel kinda bad. I wish I could take the dog." My dad said he felt bad that he couldn't either. Once the sale of my grandpa's house is done they will be giving the dog back to the no-kill breed specific shelter that Grandpa adopted him from. None of us can take him because he has a lot of health issues. He is a great dog. Very loving. But none of us can afford his vet bills.

If I knew I could I would take him in a heartbeat. I truly would. But it's not fair to an animal when you adopt them and take them into your family but can't afford the medical attention they need. I know things come up, but this wonderful dog has preexisting conditions that we already know would cost a small fortune. So my uncle is keeping him as long as he can out at my grandpa's house and then will hand him back over to the shelter. The only thing that keeps my heart from completely breaking about that is the fact that I know that they are a no-kill shelter. If it wasn't a no-kill shelter I would just take the dog and find someone who can care for him and love him.

It still does break my heart a little though. It's not his fault that his "daddy" (my grandfather) can no longer take care of him. And now he has to go back to a shelter. Even though it's a really good one, I still feel bad. I would have loved it if he could have stayed within the family, but he can't. I really wish we could adopt him. I'm sure him and our dog would get along great. *smiles* But, like I said, it wouldn't be fair to the dog since we wouldn't be able to get him the proper medical attention he needs.

After that we basically reversed the process. We went back to my uncle's and got the few things he took and got them in his apartment. We then went back to my dad's house and got all of his things put into his house. Trust me, my dad took a lot. Actually more than I originally thought he was taking. I'm not judging him at all, I was just a bit surprised.

We stayed to visit for a while after that. We finally got home around 7pm. I felt kind of bad though because I couldn't really help all that much. A lot of it was too heavy for me to carry/help carry. But I did what I could and did my best to help out even if I couldn't lift a lot.

It's getting a bit harder to go out to my grandpa's house. Especially since every time I go there is less and less there. But I'll keep doing it as long as they need me to. After all I want to help out as much as I can. It should be all said and done soon.

As far as Grandpa himself goes, the drug he was one to keep him docile, for lack of a better term, is wearing off since they can't give it to him anymore. He has started yelling and cussing people out again. He hasn't thrown anything yet. So I guess that's a good thing.