July 20, 2014

Dragging

Yesterday was busy as hell. I went down to my mom's to help her with some things that she needed done. As soon as that was over I had to drive back home and pick up Master. About five minutes after I walked into the door we headed back out to go to His brother's. His father's side of the family was having a belated cookout to celebrate His father's birthday. It was a good time and I'm glad that we were able to go.

I had gotten a lot of fresh air yesterday so that night I passed out on the couch and when we got to bed I seemed to pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow. It had been a long but good day.

Today has kind of been like playing phone tag... but with text messages. I personally prefer text messages over a phone call if it's going to be a relatively short conversation.

My brother had been saying for about the past three weeks that he wants to come up at some point this week. I had sent him a text early last week to try and find out when. He wasn't sure at that time so I sent him another text today about it and now it's a maybe for Saturday. I'm pretty sure that's the best I'm going to get out of him at this point.

I then contacted my father to see when the estate sale is. My uncle had kind of sort of mentioned last week that it would be this upcoming weekend. I got a text back from my dad saying he doesn't think it's going to be this weekend but that they need help sorting through things. I told him that we would help and that I needed to know when. He responded telling me that he has to talk to my uncle and that he would call me later. I wonder if he will actually call tonight or if he'll send a text or if I'll hear from him tomorrow. Either way I'm just going to wait for him to get a hold of me other wise I'm chasing him again and going to get the same answer repeatedly which only frustrates me more.

It doesn't help that they keep pushing shit back when it comes to this and if it had been left up to me this would have all been done and over with a month ago. After all, it's not like they haven't had time to get this done... They are just dragging their heels. It's frustrating but I'm trying not to get pissy about it.

Also, I feel drained as hell today. I know part of it is because I'm on the rag and another part of it is because it is so damn muggy today. Whenever it's really hot and/or muggy out I feel like I'm dragging myself whenever I move. Master is feeling the same way about the weather.

Hopefully my dad will get back to me with a specific date and time for when he wants us to come down and help sort. I have no idea what is left to sort through given the fact that the house is pretty empty... It's probably just small insignificant shit that, again, could have been sorted through last month.

*deep breath*

We shall see.

July 18, 2014

Getting Lost

I've been pretty irritable today. And part of yesterday as well. I'm sure part of it is because I should be getting my period soon. Hooray. But I know that's not all of it. The rest is just well... everything. I hate being at a stand still. And that's exactly where I am. Constantly. And I have been since April. As time goes by it's only getting worse. And lately it feels like I'm sitting on a live wire and just waiting to get electrocuted. I'm not sure if that's the correct way to describe it but that's the only way I can think of doing so. The talk Master and I had not that long ago helped... But each week that goes by it builds up just a little bit more and another week goes by and it gets cranked up a little bit more. I know it's not His fault and I really try not to be so tense and irritable. But I really don't have a way of letting it go. For some reason my body isn't allowing me to cry. So that outlet isn't there. I want to scream, but can't. And I don't mean scream at someone I mean just one long wordless scream. I mean I could but the cops would most likely get called thinking I'm being murdered. My screams get pretty damn high pitched too. It would probably make Master's ears bleed. *laughs*

One thing that I want to do I can't really. I would love to just lay down on our bed with the lights off, door closed, ear buds in, with bass heavy music cranked. I could just close my eyes and focus on absolutely nothing at all. I love getting lost in music. And to me that's the only way to do it.

The reason why I can't is because we don't have anything to play music on except for our computer. I have my smart phone but that takes up some of the data plan, since we don't have wifi. I'm pretty sure I can't download and/or upload any music to my phone without a SD card, which I don't have. Actually, I'll have to look into that. This phone is still new to me. With my last one I had to have an SD card and I never bought one because I felt that it would be a waste of money. I still think it would be a waste of money.

I would love it if I could just lay down in a dark room with some King Diamond, Alice Cooper, WASP, Rob Zombie, and KISS blaring in my ears. I would be one happy chick. Listening to heavy music has always helped me. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. Which is exactly why I'm listening to music on the computer while I'm doing this post. I can already feel it helping. I keep rolling my neck and stretching out my arms and arching my lower back a little bit. It's helping me loosen up a little bit. I don't feel as tight.

Anyway.. the odd thing about this whole tense sensation is that I have known for a long, long time now that there is nothing I can do about it. And for a good week or so I was fine. But now it seems to be building up again. I hate my brain. I hate the situation that I am/we are in. I want to get away from it for a little while but I can't. It's not something I can just walk away from for a little while. How can I? After all it's not something I can control and it's not even a thing as it's a situation. And it's not even a situation I can walk away from. I'm surrounded by it.

July 16, 2014

Busy Day

Today we finally got all of my dad's and uncle's stuff out of my grandpa's house. Well, all the big shit anyway. I know they both still have some small minor stuff they have to grab. But all of that can fit in the trunk of a car, so neither of them were worried about that today, thankfully.

It was kind of a cluster fuck yesterday. I sent my dad a text in the early afternoon to see what time he wanted us down there. He said he was going to rent the truck and then would let me know. No problem. Then, as it got closer to 7pm, I sent him another text just asking for an update. The next thing I know my uncle calls me and asks, "Did you just text your dad?"

Yep. Well, apparently my dad had been visiting him and had accidentally left his cell phone out there. So my uncle told me that he thinks my dad said to be there between 11:30am and noon. I said no problem and thanked him. I then sent a message to my dad's next door neighbor and asked him if he could double check with my dad. He informed me that my dad had literally pulled into the driveway, got out, swore his head off, got back in his car and left. I thanked him. At that point I knew my dad was heading back out to see my uncle and get his cell phone.

About a half hour later my dad sent me a text back and said that between 11:30am and noon was fine. *laughs* But at least we got it figured out.

When we pulled up today my dad already had the u-haul truck there. We helped him put a few things in there from his house and then went to my uncle's apartment and helped him get some of his stuff in the truck. Once all that was done we headed out to my grandpa's house. We unloaded the truck of their stuff. They want to try and sell it at the estate sale, which should be in a couple of weeks.

We put all of the large stuff they were taking from Grandpa's house and put it in the truck. We stayed there for a little while to catch our breath and so that my uncle could walk Grandpa's dog. As he was doing so I looked at my dad and said, "I feel kinda bad. I wish I could take the dog." My dad said he felt bad that he couldn't either. Once the sale of my grandpa's house is done they will be giving the dog back to the no-kill breed specific shelter that Grandpa adopted him from. None of us can take him because he has a lot of health issues. He is a great dog. Very loving. But none of us can afford his vet bills.

If I knew I could I would take him in a heartbeat. I truly would. But it's not fair to an animal when you adopt them and take them into your family but can't afford the medical attention they need. I know things come up, but this wonderful dog has preexisting conditions that we already know would cost a small fortune. So my uncle is keeping him as long as he can out at my grandpa's house and then will hand him back over to the shelter. The only thing that keeps my heart from completely breaking about that is the fact that I know that they are a no-kill shelter. If it wasn't a no-kill shelter I would just take the dog and find someone who can care for him and love him.

It still does break my heart a little though. It's not his fault that his "daddy" (my grandfather) can no longer take care of him. And now he has to go back to a shelter. Even though it's a really good one, I still feel bad. I would have loved it if he could have stayed within the family, but he can't. I really wish we could adopt him. I'm sure him and our dog would get along great. *smiles* But, like I said, it wouldn't be fair to the dog since we wouldn't be able to get him the proper medical attention he needs.

After that we basically reversed the process. We went back to my uncle's and got the few things he took and got them in his apartment. We then went back to my dad's house and got all of his things put into his house. Trust me, my dad took a lot. Actually more than I originally thought he was taking. I'm not judging him at all, I was just a bit surprised.

We stayed to visit for a while after that. We finally got home around 7pm. I felt kind of bad though because I couldn't really help all that much. A lot of it was too heavy for me to carry/help carry. But I did what I could and did my best to help out even if I couldn't lift a lot.

It's getting a bit harder to go out to my grandpa's house. Especially since every time I go there is less and less there. But I'll keep doing it as long as they need me to. After all I want to help out as much as I can. It should be all said and done soon.

As far as Grandpa himself goes, the drug he was one to keep him docile, for lack of a better term, is wearing off since they can't give it to him anymore. He has started yelling and cussing people out again. He hasn't thrown anything yet. So I guess that's a good thing.

July 14, 2014

Red Alert

Master sent an update to all of His family via e-mail regarding my grandfather and explaining why we have been so absent. He explained everything, using my blog for details that He needed to include, so that they would understand. He said that we are on red alert. Which is true. I never thought about it that way, but really it's the best way to describe it.

Later on last night Master and I had a conversation regarding what is bothering both of us. He was explaining how my family is driving Him nuts. Everyone basically is coming to me to try and vent and/or pass along information. It's true and it's pretty much always been that way. I'm not sure why but I'm use to it. Master, however, is not... At least not in this way. He sees that it stresses me out. He told me that He understands that I'm doing everything I can to not shoot myself in the foot as well as walking that fine line between both of my parents. Then again since they got a divorce I have been doing that. (I was almost 17 at the time.) It has never been this bad though, so it is a lot more difficult.

I think He felt better once He got that off of His chest. I understand where He is coming from and that since I am so use to it I didn't really notice it going on. He told me that while I can't shoot myself in the foot I also can't put everyone else ahead of what I need to do to keep myself from breaking apart.

After that part of the conversation was done I had to get a few things off my chest as well. I told Him that I wish I could just break down and sob for a good long while. I'm not putting on my brave face. I'm not keeping myself so strong that I am not allowing myself to do so. I want to let go. I want to break down at least long enough to cry for a good amount of time. That may sound silly but I honestly think it would make me feel better. I don't know if it's my medication not allowing me to or what... I've been able to cry for a while but not like how I wish I could. I cry and then I shut it down. I'm not sure how, but I do it.

Master told me that it may be my medication but it may also be my subconscious basically not allowing it to happen until all is said and done. Basically I'm stopping myself without knowing it.

I also told Him that certain other things that are going on have me attempting to hope for the best but plan for the worst but I don't know when it is okay to start doing that. Basically when should I start planning for the worst, should it come to pass. It's not exactly something that I would be able to do in a day. It would take some preparation. He put me at ease, more so than He probably knows, by telling me to basically wait until the beginning of next month and then we'll start planning. It really did make me feel better. At least I know when to start and that He'll be there right with me helping me to do so. This prevents me from driving myself crazy as well as not wanting to bring it up because it's not exactly a pleasant subject. Like I said, I'm truly hoping for the best. But I'm just one of those people that have to plan for the worst as much as possible so that I know that there is an in case of emergency break glass cover.

July 12, 2014

Double It

Master and I had sex last night for the first time in what feels like forever. I know it isn't. It's been about a week to a week and a half at most. It's not as if we are not wanting to or anything it's just that all of the stress is weighing on us. And it seems to be getting worse every day. Everything is so up in the air that it is feels as if it is just doubling the amount of stress we are both experiencing. And the past few days have not helped.

I got some news yesterday about my grandfather. My uncle took him to a doctor appointment to obtain some test results. As horrible as it sounds my grandpa didn't really need to be there since he really doesn't know what is going on and both my uncle and my father have medical power of attorney; however my uncle always brings him with. I think it just makes him feel better about it.

One of the results is that my grandpa has lewy body dementia. It is in the late stages and honestly explains a lot. He was never diagnosed with it before because back when Grandpa still had control over his medical conditions the only doctors he was going to was in regards to his heart and even then he was missing some.

What does it explain exactly? His hallucinations, his violent outbursts, his confusion, and his delusions. It is somewhat related to Parkinson's. This fact also explains why he has been walking with a shuffle for a long time now as well as why he has fallen so many times with no memory of having done so.

Remember how the nursing home was giving him medication to calm him down so he wouldn't harm himself? Well, apparently they can't give that to him anymore due to this new diagnosis. This means that his violent streaks are very likely to come back.

All of those symptoms that were already showing and apparent were thought to be related to the fact that he wasn't taking his insulin and also because his heart is in such horrible condition. Well, all of that isn't helping but now we all have to realize that he has this other condition and explains a lot. So, currently, Grandpa has lewy body dementia, diabetes, a half dead heart, the connection from the brain to the heart that controls heart rate surgically severed, and a pace maker/auto defibrillator that is on a low battery. This only makes me wonder even more how this man is still breathing. Especially when there is no will power to stay here. It doesn't make sense.

However, the other piece of information I received was that the move to get all of my dad's and my uncle's stuff out of Grandpa's house is this upcoming week. They were just waiting on my uncle's work schedule. He normally gets it on Saturday's so I called him today. Oddly enough his boss didn't give him the schedule today so he should get it tomorrow. He asked me to call him back tomorrow afternoon sometime after 3pm.

Everything just seems to be on a countdown with so many life changing variables and there is nothing I can do about it but hope for the best. My ability to stay positive is weakening every day. I'm really trying to hold onto it and most of the time I can. But there are times throughout the week that it is just gone all together. Those are the times I just wish I could scream as loud as I possibly can for as long as I can. But ya know, that would only get the cops called because someone would think I was being murdered.

July 10, 2014

A Beautiful Lie

I was talking to my mother the other day when she was telling me that her husband had gone to visit Grandpa. Apparently what he had told her was that Grandpa remembered him. Well, he hasn't recognized anyone for quite some time. And if he does it's for only a few minutes. So my mother asked him some clarifying questions. The result of said questioning came out to be the fact that he was lying. Grandpa talked to him but didn't say his name at all. He had no clue who the hell he was he simply knew that someone was there and they held a conversation. Guess what? That conversation had nothing to do with anyone in the family. And when he left Grandpa said something along the lines of "Say hi to the gang for me." Again, her husband took that as he remembered everyone. No. That's not it at all. He lives anywhere in time for the past 65 years of his 74. And most of it is not anywhere near the present time. So again my mother had asked him if Grandpa mentioned anyone in particular. He said no. My mother and I both got ticked off at that. You can't say he remembers people when he is just simply interacting with you and you can't assume he remembers the people in the here and now when he has been living in the past pretty much permanently now. And by the past I mean before my mother met my father and so obviously before my brother and I were born.

Giving us false hope is not appreciated. I told my mother that he can't do that and it pisses me the hell off. She agreed with me. I guess at some point she had a talk with him about it because the next time I talked to her she told me that he understood and that he was sorry he upset all of us.

Well, I'm sorry. But I'd rather hear the horrible truth rather than a beautiful lie. I know he didn't mean to but he can't fuck with my emotions like that. He had "good intentions" but that's not a good excuse at all. And lately it doesn't take much to piss me off. I have apologized to my Husband quite a bit lately. I've told Him that I know I'm being short with Him but it's not because of Him. It's just everything else.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm constantly trying to figure out shit that I have no control of at all. And so is Master. Neither of us have been handling this all too well in the past few days. I mean we haven't been handling it well for a long time but it's just getting worse. Neither of us are sleeping really. For the past few days I'm having a hard time sleeping all night through. Most of it is that half in and out shit. But then all day long I'm tired and spacey as hell. Today is a good example.

My mother also told me that my uncle (my father's brother) told her that they are definitely moving the rest of my uncle's and my dad's shit out of Grandpa's house this upcoming week but they don't know what day yet because they don't know my Uncle's work schedule. Okay, that makes sense.

But then my Uncle continued to say that it'll be another two weeks minimum after that before they have the estate sale. To me that is just fucking stupid. To me, if you have everything out of the house that you want then you would be able to and should have the estate sale ASAP. That way it's done and over with. Why the hell would you want to prolong it? I mean if it's about paperwork then just take all that with you. It's not like you have to do it out at Grandpa's house.

I was also told that I could always contact my dad and see if I could kind of move him along. I'm sorry, but I'm not chasing that anymore. Why? Because I've tried to in the past and all I get is the whole "I know. We'll do it in two weeks." Then the two weeks come up and he pushes it off. My uncle is no better. In the beginning it all seemed like it was my dad but now I can see that some of it is my uncle as well.

So right now I'm just waiting on two phone calls. One telling me exactly when they need help moving shit and the other telling me when the hell the sale is so I can be out there. The only other call to wait on, as horrible as it sounds, is the one telling me that my grandfather has passed away.

July 8, 2014

Spinning

Well, last night I was unable to fall asleep until a little after 4am. I tried to go to bed when Master did but I kept tossing and turning and Master said that if I wasn't tired I didn't have to stay in bed... So I got up and went into the living room. I applied to some jobs, so at least the insomnia was productive for a change. But again, here I am, at 3:31am, wide the hell awake.

Master asked me a few times before He went to bed what was on my mind. I was completely honest and told Him that nothing was on my mind but that my brain was just spinning about absolutely nothing and as a result it just wasn't shutting down.

I just took my bipolar medication and a benadryl. I took my bipolar medication because I always take it right before bedtime but since I am staying up later than usual I wanted to take it now so I didn't somehow forget about it before heading to the bedroom. I took the benadryl to try and make me tired. I don't know how well that is going to work out, but it's worth a shot.

I did some more job searching and I found a job to apply to. The odd thing was that at the end of the application they gave me a phone number to call with a specific ID number to punch in so I could do a pre-recorded phone screen interview. I ducked into the kitchen to take it in the hopes that my talking wouldn't wake Master. It doesn't seem like it did since He stayed in bed. That is honestly the first time I've ever had to do that. I've had phone interviews before but they were always talking with a live person, not a recording that was asking me questions and having me leave answers like I was leaving a voice mail. Weird.

Anyway, I have no idea why the hell my mind is spinning. I mean it's not like anything has changed. My Grandpa is still alive even though none of us know how in the hell he is surviving at this point. He has lost a lot of weight, really isn't eating anything, and is slipping back in time more and more. He is also sleeping a lot more. The battery on his pace maker has been extremely low since April. We just don't understand and all wish that he was at peace.

I still, obviously, have not found a job. I never thought I'd be unemployed this long. I never have been before.

I just don't know. Like I said, it's not anything new and it is constantly weighing on me.

I will say one thing before I go to bed. It is the fact that I've been sleeping cuddled up with a stuffed animal almost every night lately. I normally only do that if I am really not feeling well. But now I am doing it out of pure stress. It sounds stupid but it does seem to help a little.