April 30, 2011


This post is rather serious. If you prefer not to read such posts, please skip this one.

My baby brother called me today. It's somewhat rare for him to call me, not because we rarely talk, but because he prefers texts and e-mails. No big deal. I know a lot of males who hate talking on the phone, including Master.

The first words out of his mouth are, "Can we talk privately for a moment?"

This made me pause. At first I just thought it was trouble with some girl or something. So I tell him that Master isn't even home. So I looked at Master and put my finger up to my lips and He nodded. I sat down and prepared myself to give him some older sister wisdom. About the only time he actually calls me is when he is having trouble with a girl.

But that wasn't what this call was about. Not even close.

He voice started to waver as he talked. I couldn't figure out why. Then his words become clear again and I learned why. I couldn't react at first. Then I started to cry. Master immediately came over to where I was sitting, got down on His haunches and placed His hand on mine. He had no idea what I was being told, but He saw me crying and came to comfort me.

So why was I crying? Yesterday my paternal grandfather went to my father's house. He had asked his other son (my uncle) to be there as well. So they all were sitting in my father's house and Grandpa dropped the news. First, a little background. My grandfather has had not one, but two bypass surgeries and has had several heart attacks. Well, he had gone to his doctor for a regular visit. He had an EKG done and the doctor didn't like the results. So the doctor scheduled him to have a stress test done. About three minutes into the stress test they had to stop it.

I don't know all the details as to why they had to stop the stress test or what happened after. But the end result is that my grandfather had called his two sons together to tell them that the doctor told him that he wouldn't live past July, or at the best August.

It's May as of tomorrow. So he only has three to four months to live. He may pass that, but the doctor and my grandfather do not think that is likely. He told them that he had everything taken care of already. His will is updated and is with his lawyer. He's ready for his death. He said that everyone would be "taken care of".

When I got off the phone with my brother I sobbed out what the news was to Master. He held me and cried Himself. He loves my grandfather. They get along very well and have a good time together.

So how does my brother learn of this? Not from our father. Oh no. My uncle. What the fuck?! Not that I'm angry that my uncle called my brother. (He doesn't have my phone number. Not because I don't want him to but because he lost it and we don't talk often since our schedules don't mesh.)

What I'm pissed about is the fact that my father didn't have either the common curtsey or the balls to call my brother of myself. Now granted he only learned this yesterday. But still. I was livid. Still am. When my brother and I were talking after he told me about Grandpa he said he was pissed about it too and was going to call our father to ask him why the hell he hadn't called his son or daughter to tell them that their grandfather didn't have much longer on this Earth. I understand why Grandpa didn't call us. He didn't want us to worry. That's just how he is. Or it was hard enough to tell his sons and figured that they would pass along the news to his grandchildren so that he wouldn't have to go through it again. Again I understand that as well.

So I told my brother that I want him to call me as soon as he's off the phone with Dad. He said he would. I also told him to tell Dad

After I stopped crying I talked to Master about it all. I even started talking about how I have to save some of my vacation days in order to grieve when the time comes. I know I'll be a mess and I won't be able to function well at work. I also started talking about what I'm going to wear to the wake. I honestly don't know if he's being buried or cremated. If he's buried I will of course also attend the funeral. But I have a feeling he's going to be cremated just as his wife, my grandmother, was 17 years ago.

As the day has continued I've been trying to keep myself distracted. I've had to calm myself several times so I wouldn't cry. But I'm keeping it together right now. It's difficult.

The paternal side of my family is not very large. There is my grandfather, my father, my uncle, a great aunt (Grandpa's sister), my brother, myself, and his great grandchildren.

Since I have to save my vacation days I can't take Monday off, as much as I would like to, in order to give myself another day to let this news settle. But I can't.

On my next payday (I unfortunately do not have the gas money right now) I am going to fill the car's gas tank and visit my grandfather. I'm going to ask my brother if he'd like me to pick him up and have him go with as well. He most likely will.

April 29, 2011


This post may seem a bit weird. But it totally makes sense to me, so hopefully it does to some of you as well.

I've been with Master since I was 20 years old. We've been together for 8 years. When we were at about the 6 month mark of our relationship Master had given me a t-shirt of His. It was for a band called Savatage. (A very kick ass band by the way.) He had purchased it for Himself at a concert He went to long before I knew Him.

He gave it to me because we couldn't live together at the time and He wanted me to have something of His that I could wear when we were apart so that I would feel closer to Him and He would know a piece of Him was with me. Sounds odd, I know. The other reason why He gave it to me is because He thinks it's hot when I wear His t-shirts. He sees it as a claim of Ownership of sorts. Again, that may sound silly but it makes sense to us.

So I had that t-shirt for 7 1/2 years. I hadn't worn it in a while, so I had it hanging in the closet. Well our bedroom closet sits against an outside wall. So in the winter anything left on the floor gets musty as hell. Apparently this shirt had fallen off the hanger and I hadn't noticed it until today when I was going through my wardrobe getting rid of some things. My poor t-shirt just laying there in the corner of the closet. I immediately panicked simply because I know how that damn closet is. It sucks ass. Anything on a hanger or on the shelf is fine. But that damn floor gets so cold, especially for anything that is stuck in a corner. I have no idea why. But it sucks ass.

I pull it off the floor and it smells musty as hell. I pull it into the light and I know it can't be saved. It was already really faded and was an old t-shirt to begin with. So I brought it out for Master to see and He said it was time to just throw it out. I was sad and pissed off all at the same time. I loved that t-shirt, even if I didn't wear it much. He had given it to me and I had it for so long.

Well, I was doing laundry today and Master's clothes were done before mine. So I put the laundry basket on the bed and I'm hanging out in the bedroom while Master is putting His clothes away. I know it may sound not sound slave like to have Him putting away His own clothes, but He has always done that. So that's just how it is. I wash them, He puts them away. He has a lot of band t-shirts. Mainly Alice Cooper and Disturbed. He knew I was upset about the Savatage t-shirt, so He pulls off my top and puts one of His Disturbed t-shirts on me and says it's mine now. The best thing about it? He knew it was my favorite t-shirt of His.

He then has me take that t-shirt off and has me put on one of His Alice Cooper t-shirts. He said that was now mine as well. Again I was very happy and touched about it. He loves His t-shirts and for Him to give me not one, but two of them meant a lot to me. Now when He gives me a t-shirt of His, He doesn't wear it anymore. It's now mine. I always still see them as His though, which is what makes it special to me.

He smiled when I kept the Alice Cooper t-shirt on and immediately hung up the Disturbed one. As You can imagine His t-shirts are basically dresses on me. He's a very tall and broad man. He was 2 XL t-shirts. I'm 5ft1. So yeah, they are dresses on me. Which makes them perfect when I just want to wear them around the house. I bend over or move a certain way and He gets a nice glimpse of my ass, among other things. So it's kind of a tease and it's very comfortable for me. Normally I'm naked when I'm home, but sometimes He allows me to wear the t-shirts He has given me.

I've kept the Alice Cooper shirt on all day. In fact I still have it on. It's so comfortable. And He's been smiling at me all day because of it.

One thing He admitted to me today I never knew. He said that He has never allowed anyone else He's been in a relationship with to wear His t-shirts. Never. I'm the first. And it first started only 6 months into our relationship. So that just makes it even more special to me.

April 28, 2011


This past week has sucked all the way around. Work sucks. Finances suck. Stress sucks.

You get the idea.

I believe it is catching up with me now. About an hour ago out of fucking no where both of my shoulders started hurting like hell and I was very tired.

Master still wanted me to do my blog post, which I wanted to do too. But now I'm sitting here, my shoulders are throbbing and my mind is fucking blank. Blah.

Normally I have something I can drag out of my head and onto the screen, but not tonight.

April 27, 2011

Stress with a Side of Stress

My work load has been pretty light lately. I have just enough to get me through the day as long as I take my time and goof around here and there. This sounds like a good thing, but honestly I wish there was more work to do because that would mean I would have a reason for overtime.

Overtime is a good thing. Not a lot, but enough that I could clock in a half hour early and cut my lunch hour short. I could technically do that now but it would bring some unwanted attention as they know our department was slow so either they would know I was padding my hours or they would start to wonder if I didn't know what the fuck I was doing.

I've been clocking in a little early here and there. Just enough to get about an hour extra each week. Doing such doesn't bring unwanted attention and every penny helps.

But because of the lack of work my paycheck is suffering slightly. I used to be able to get in at least three hours extra every 2 weeks. It doesn't sound like a lot but believe me it makes a difference.

Our financial stress is really smacking us upside the head with a really big stick this week. Rent will be paid on time, but after that it's going to be extremely tight.

Master is still putting out job applications. In fact His friend e-mailed Him today because his job is hiring, so Master shot off an e-mail to that person.

I know Master is feeling the stress a lot because He feels like He should be able to do more. I understand that, I really do. I'm feeling the stress too but I'm trying to keep a handle on it. I figure I'll take it day by day, penny by penny. It'll work out, it's just going to really suck until my next paycheck hits, which is not for two more weeks. Two weeks doesn't sound like a long time but it can really feel like it.

April 26, 2011


I have been having troubles sleeping the past few days. Sunday night I woke up several times just long enough to check the alarm clock, groan when I realized what time it was, and then try to get a few more hours of sleep. Sometimes I woke up it seemed for no reason. Other times I woke up knowing that I had been having a nightmare, but I couldn't remember about what.

Last night was the same thing. I ended up sleeping out in the living room because Master wasn't ready to go to sleep. I had no memory of what my nightmares were about but apparently they had messed with me enough that I didn't want to go to bed alone. Honestly it's not really abnormal for me to want to sleep in the living room simply because Master isn't ready to go to bed. But last night I knew that the nightmares were part of the reason.

I slept fine in the living room. Master woke me up to go to bed, we curled up and I fell back asleep. But I had nightmares again. And again I have no memory of what they were. I don't even have glimpses of them when I'm awake to try and figure out what the subject matter is. I hate that. When I at least know something of what they were I feel better about it. That may sound weird, but that's just how I work.

When I can't remember anything it irritates the living hell out of me.

Master asked me a very good question. He asked if maybe the nightmares are a side effect of the medication I'm on. I honestly don't think so, but I could be wrong. However the medication may be the reason why I can't remember anything about them. I could be wrong about that though too.


This morning I woke up feeling like death warmed over. I don't have a cold or the flu, but my head was pounding, my throat hurt and I felt extremely sluggish. I went to work anyway, even though I really didn't want to. But it didn't make any sense to me to use a vacation day when I wasn't terribly ill. I feel better right now, but I feel run down. Tired. Worn the fuck out.

Hopefully there won't be any nightmares tonight and I'll be able to sleep from the time my head hits the pillow until the time my alarm goes off.

April 25, 2011

Green Eyed Monster

Sometimes when things are tough within your own personal world it's hard to see other people doing so much more fun things than you are, especially when you can't understand how the hell they are pulling it off.

Master and I have been extremely tight on finances. It's no fun trust me. We can't go out a lot. When we do it's something very simple and it's few and far between. We can't do date night anymore. Every Friday we would go out to dinner, just the two of us. That was our date night. Sometimes we'd see a movie or go grab a drink after. Other wise we'd come home, cuddle and watch movies on NetFlix.

So really it wasn't a lot even when we did have the money. But even that is cut out of the budget for now.

Then we see our friends going off to Vegas, or planning on a trip to Florida right after they got back from their last vacation. We see them always buying new things, or replacing things they've had for a while.

On one hand I feel like maybe we should be happy for them. On the other hand I get aggravated, envious and just... frustrated.

The couple that just got back from Vegas and got engaged make less than I do per year. However, that is separately. But then I see how much they spend on frivolous things and I wonder how the hell they still manage to pull off a weekend in Vegas. I don't get it.

Master and I have hopes and dreams for things we can do together. And when finances are really tight we just figure it'll take a little bit longer. Then a little bit longer becomes quite some time. Then quite some time turns into "How in the fuck are we gonna pull that off?"

We're keeping our heads above water. But when that's all your doing and you've only been doing that for quite a while, it becomes more than frustrating and just starts to piss you the hell off.

I'm doing my best at my job so I can keep my job (which honestly I have no fear of losing it but hey, better safe than sorry) and get a good review so I can get a decent yearly raise. Master is busting His ass and knocking Himself out to try and find a job. But the market sucks. Either He's "over qualified" or they want a Bachelor's Degree. If it's not either of those then it's way out in butt fuck nowhere and the pay rate would barely cover the gas it would take to get out there and back five days a week.

But He keeps plugging away at it, and I do job searches for Him on the weekends. But we're just spinning our wheels in the mud while trying to get ahead.

I know eventually things will get better. Master will find a job, I'll get a pay raise and we'll start surfing the wave rather than treading water. It's just that sometimes it's really hard to remember that things will get better. I try very hard not to get sucked into that hole of "it's always going to be this way". But I refuse to believe it and I know things will happen, we'll catch a break, and we'll get where we want to be. It's just that the trip there is really kicking our ass.

April 22, 2011

Maybe, Maybe Not

This Sunday is Easter. To Master and I it's not a big deal at all. It's just another Sunday. And as many of you have probably noticed over the years, I prefer being as lazy as possible on Sundays. I like to relax, maybe run a couple of errands and just pretty much do nothing but chill the hell out.

My job isn't physically demanding usually, but it can be mentally draining. And so I use my Sunday to unwind and enjoy not having to think overly much. Sometimes being lazy on a Sunday is not an option. Other things happen. Family or friends want to get together and that's the only day they can do it. It sucks but depending on the people involved I don't mind as much.

However, in the eight years Master and I have been together neither of our families have wanted to get together on Easter. My family just straight doesn't give a fuck about it. We have two major holidays in my family. Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now while Master and I are not Christian, we still do the Christmas thing because at this point after being raised Catholic (Master) or Lutheran (me) the normal thing to do is to get together with your family, exchange gifts, eat food and just enjoy spending time together. Thanksgiving? Well in my family that's just an excuse to get together and eat. That's about it. We don't pray, we don't give thanks for anything, we just talk and eat. End of story.

But this year my mother-in-law had to fuck up the program by asking us to come over for Easter. She wants us there by 1:30pm and is making a ham and a turkey. Why? I have no idea. There will only be five people there and yes that includes Master and myself. Now Master and I both know the time she tells us dinner will be ready means somewhere between two to three hours later is when the food will actually be ready.

Now I know that she is talking about dinner being ready at 4:30pm. Now, that means the best possible scenario is that we'll be eating at 6:30pm. And then we'll stay a while after so we don't seem rude. And then out of no where she'll "remember" she has dessert for us too. So we eat again. And stay a bit longer, again not to seem rude. So I'm guessing that we probably won't be getting out of there until 8 to 9pm. That's not too bad but then we have a 40 minute drive home. I then have to take my shower and be in bed shortly there after so I can go to work in the morning.

Master and I both loathe going to His mother's house. So I know for a fact that it's not just me.

There have been times where my family gets together and I agree to go but Master decides He wants to stay home. No big deal. The only time I've gotten upset about it is when it was Thanksgiving. It was one year that Master just was in a foul mood and wanted to stay home. It wasn't so much that it was Thanksgiving, it was more the fact that it was one of the two big ones for my family. But I got over it.

I've told Master I'm thinking about staying home on Sunday, and just Him going down to His mother's. He doesn't care one way or the other. I have never once missed anything with His side of the family unless I haven't been invited. There were a few times where in between husbands His mom just wanted to have lunch with Him. No biggie. But other than that, I've gone every time. I try to be a good wife and buffer the barbs that His mother is famous for throwing at Him.

But I'm just sitting here going, "It's fucking Easter. You've never found it important to have us over before, but now suddenly it's a family thing. What the hell?"

Master feels the same way. The only reason He is considering it is because it'll shut her up for a few months about seeing us. He has already said He will allow me to stay home on Sunday. He knows that I try to avoid such things on Sundays and He knows I work hard all week.

I just can't seem to make up my mind about it. On one hand I want to stay home so I can relax and be lazy and not deal with her. On the other hand I don't want Him coming home pissed off more than usual after getting home from His mother's because she was nagging in His ear that I didn't show up. I've already given Him a lie to tell her. I'm home with a really bad migraine and could barely stand light in the apartment let alone a 40 minute car ride. She knows I get bad migraines, so it's believable.

I think I won't be able to make up my mind on it until Sunday, see how I feel about the subject that day and then decide.

Another bonus of me staying home? Master might not have to stay as long.. you know cause He has a wife at home that He has to check on and help take care of the dog. ;-)

April 20, 2011

Not the Fun Kind of Pain

Today my fibromyalgia decided to kick my ass and it wasn't being nice. It sucker punched me the minute I woke up and has been constant all day.

Normally I'm in pain from the fibromyalgia anyway, but I've had it so long that the lower levels are tolerable and I don't really even notice it anymore. But when it gets cranked up a notch believe me, I notice. Today was one of those days. I woke up with a headache and my right shoulder throbbing. No rhyme or reason, just because. At work I couldn't get comfortable in my chair. No matter how I moved or sat, it hurt. The pain in my right shoulder starting shooting down my back and down my arm. And of course the day dragged on and on and on.

When I got home I just wanted to be comfortable. Master allowed it, so after dinner I sat on the couch for a while. Master was kind enough to have me sit on the floor in front of Him in His recliner and worked on my shoulders. The pain is more tolerable now, but still there.

I'm only 28 and sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart. Lets go down the list of shit that's wrong with me, shall we?

  1. Fibromyalgia

  2. Severe headaches and migraines

  3. Hypoglycemia

  4. Bipolar

I'm also starting to this I have carpal tunnell syndrome in my right wrist. So yeah, let's just slap one more thing on that list. Thankfully I have an appointment next week Friday with a general practitioner. I'll be bringing up my wrist so I can either get that confirmed or linked to something else so I don't feel that pain in my wrist and hand.

Speaking of which I'm going to stop typing now.

April 19, 2011


To give a little insight into this post I just want to start it off by saying that on and off through out my work day Master and I will message back and forth. He sends me an e-mail, my cell phone receives it as a text message, and then I write Him back. We do it mainly when my work is slow and He's not running errands or job hunting.

But it's normally at least a few messages back and forth every day I'm at work. Well today I didn't receive any messages. By 1:30pm I was wondering why, and so I called to touch base. He said He had sent me a few messages. I told Him that I hadn't received them. So we both figured that for whatever reason the message to my cell phone dohicky wasn't working today.

And of course today was one of my extremely light work load days. I had finished with my work by 2pm and I had another three hours to go. I was bored, but I knew I couldn't just call up Master and kill time that way because it would be on the work phone. Not good. If I'm on my lunch break or it's a quick 15-20 minute call off my lunch break no one cares. But Master also hates talking on the phone. Which is kind of funny given that He's worked in two call centers before.

Now, I'm not trying to sound like a clingy wife or anything, but I really missed those messages. I like touching base with Him at various points through out the day. But I wouldn't call it clingy. I'm dependent on Him for emotional support, to just brighten my day and to basically help break up the time until I see Him when I get home. It also feels submissive to me. I touch base with Him, He knows what's going on even if it's nothing. Sometimes we talk about what He wants me to do when I get home, we'll flirt, we'll talk dirty, etc.

I also think He enjoys it. He can give orders that way so He doesn't have to wait until I get home. I come home and I already know what is expected of me right off the bat. It helps break up His day as well.

Master and I are the type of couple, dynamic and all, that really love spending time with one another. We do pretty much everything together. And while I'm at work it's nice to keep that going even in such a small way. I'm lost without Him. When He was working at the job He quit because it was too dangerous to work there anymore He was sent to a different city that was too far away to drive back and forth every day. He was there for three days and nights. We talked at the end of His shift but it was for no more than an hour each night because He was beat and was ready to pass out on the hotel bed.

During those three days and nights I felt lost. I knew certain things I still had to do, but when it came time to entertain myself it wasn't easy. Normally I would ask Him what He wanted to do and then go from there. And cruising around the internet gets boring after a while.

When He got home from that trip He admitted that He had been lost as well. I wasn't there to talk to, to cuddle with, to fetch things for Him.

We're an extremely tight knit couple on all levels. And without the other we both get lost. I am an extension of Him, quite literally. Granted I'm a slightly crazy extension but hey, that doesn't seem to bother Him.

April 18, 2011

Bounce In My Step

When we went out on Saturday I got a little dolled up. It's not like I got dressed to the nines or anything, but I put a little extra effort into my looks. I put on some liquid eye liner. I had missed having it. I much prefer liquid eye liner to pencils or powder eye shadow. I didn't put on lipstick because I knew we would be eating. I wore a bit tighter jeans than usual, a lacey black tank top with a "boyfriend" cut button down shirt. I left a few of the buttons on top undone to show the tank top a bit, and the bottom few just because I think it looks nice. Then I topped it all off with my high heel boots.

Like I said it wasn't a lot, but I felt sexy. I felt a lot of self confidence come roaring back. It's not like I think I'm ugly or anything. It's not like I feel I need to wear make-up or heels to be considered sexy. But damn do they make me feel better.

I thought about buying a pair of heeled boots that weren't stiletto heels like the ones I have now. A pair that would be more comfortable for every day wear. I also thought about picking up a couple more pair of tighter jeans and some nicer tops. The problem is I don't have the cash flow for such. That and I don't know if I'd actually want to wear make-up all the time. My idea of make-up is simply eyeliner and sometimes lipstick. I don't wear anything else. No blush, no foundation, none of that stuff. I keep it simple.

If I wear it all the time then what's so special about me trying to doll up for Master? I don't know.

But I love the self confidence that comes with getting dressed up like that. And it's not even really dressed up. It's just a notch up from where I normally dress. I was strutting that night and I damn well know it. I'm sure Master noticed as well.

So while on one hand I would love having the self confidence all the time. But I don't know if Master would then get too used to it and not enjoy it as much when I try to look nicer just for Him, whether we're staying at home or going out. Plus the whole clothes and heels thing? Yeah. I can't afford it right now.

I might be able to piece meal it by buying one or two things here and there when I have a little mad money. But with keeping our bills and rent current, the animals fed, happy and healthy, keeping us fed, not to mention my medication and doctor visits. Who knows if that will even be feasible any time soon.

I could use a few new bras as well.

So yeah, even if I did have the money I'm not sure if Master would want me that way all the time, or if He'd rather me just do it once and while like I've been doing. I tried talking to Him about it but He didn't really seem to lean one way or the other.

April 17, 2011

Much Needed Night Out

Master and I have been dealing with a lot of stress. We don't have many friends left. We've burned a lot of bridges in the eight years we've been together. They have all been valid reasons, in my eyes. The only bridges left are slowly starting to become unstable. BC is getting pinned down by his girlfriend. She keeps him under her thumb and plans every minute of his free time around what she wants to do, which does not include us, and he's allowing it. SS is getting married in December and she is pulling away from us because her fiance doesn't really care for us.

Well, I'd been talking with a married couple at work who I get a long with and they had wanted to hang out. Master and I are usually broke as hell, so we kept pushing it off. Well, this week my paycheck was a bit fatter than usual. So we made plans for last night with them. They aren't what I would call our "typical" friends. They are a bit more... straight laced than we are. But that's okay. That's them. I have no problem with that. But they only knew me from work. And trust me, I'm almost a completely different person at work. I mean my sense of humor is pretty much the same, although it's toned down. I dress different, I carry myself differently, and I pretty much keep to myself minus a select few which includes the married couple.

So I wasn't too worried about us liking them. I was worried about if they could handle us. Master and I can be a little intense.

We met them at a local restaurant. They were a little late due to traffic, but no big deal there. At least they let us know they were running late.

We got through dinner and it seemed like everyone was having a good time. They picked up the bill, which we were not expecting at all. I tried to pay our half, but they wouldn't have it. We decided to hit a local bar. I paid for first rounds, much to their objection. They kind of know our financial situation, but I didn't want them paying for everything.

We all had a good time which was great! Master and I got some stress relief due to a good night out and they don't get out much either so it was a nice break for them as well.

We got home around 10pm, so Master said I could skip last night's post. However, we did stay up until 4am watching NetFlix. I slept in a lot later than I had meant to so I know it's gonna be hell getting up tomorrow. It'll be worth it though. Master and I had a nice weekend and actually got out of the house for a change.

April 15, 2011

Visit With Dr. L

After work I was home for about an hour before I had to head back out to go to my appointment with Dr. L. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I'd be when I got there. I had just accepted the fact that I don't know anything about medications or what is best for treating bipolar disorder, so it was up to Dr. L.

I got there about 10 minutes early but my appointment started a little late. No big deal there. It happens with doctor appointments. So I go in and he asks me how things have been going. I tell him how I'm not handling stress as well as I think I should be/could be. He asked me what kind of stress, so I went into all of that.

Then he asked me how I had reacted to it. So I told him how at one point not that long ago, I would say about a week or two, I was at work and it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. I had wanted nothing but to go home. I wanted to go home, lay down on our bed in the dark, curled up in a blanket until I felt I could handle anything again. It was intense, it was kind of scary, and it was just not how I was used to reacting to anything since I have been on my medication.

So once I was done talking (he's a very quiet man.. it makes me feel like he's actually listening rather than just nodding and smiling) he asked me if my medication was having any side effects. The question kind of threw me off, and I replied honestly. I have not experienced any side effects from the medication.

So he said that I'm on the lowest dose of the medication I'm on, which I did not know. He said he had wanted to start me out on that and see how it went. Apparently it's no longer enough. So he upped my dosage from 100 milligrams to 150 milligrams. He told me to finish up the few pills I have left from my last refill and then start on the new dosage. This made me feel better. I had been so worried that he was just going to switch me to a different medication, or put me on an additional medication. Thankfully he didn't feel that was necessary.

But since he wants to be able to monitor my reaction to a higher dosage, rather than seeing me in three months he wants to see me in two. He said that if I feel the dosage is still not working as well as I feel it should then I should call and make an appointment that is as soon as possible so we can discuss it. He said to never be afraid of calling to make an appointment sooner than originally anticipated. I told him I understood, I just hadn't done it this time because I knew it was close, and I didn't feel it was an "emergency" situation.

I really do like the fact that Dr. L is so supportive. I also like the fact that he didn't want to over drug me by putting me on a higher dosage immediately. He wanted to test the waters and see how I reacted. And he's still doing that. It's pretty awesome.

He did say a really nice thing about my Husband. Now, Master has never gone with me to an appointment because all He would end up doing is sitting in the waiting room. The therapy and doctor appointments are only for me. But I tell Dr. L about the discussions Master and I have regarding all this stuff. And Dr. L said that he's glad that my Husband is so supportive and encourages me to talk about my feelings, the reactions I'm having, and how I think my therapy is going.

So a gold star to Master from Dr. L! Yay!

April 14, 2011

Nervous About Tomorrow

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow. Tomorrow after work I have an appointment with Dr. L. And during that appointment I get to explain how I think I may need either a higher dose of my current medication or possibly a supplemental medication for when things get to be a bit much for me. Okay, more than a bit. Something that I can take when I feel my grip on myself slipping.

Now that I've been stable a while, when I start slipping it feels so much worse than it did before. Before I was use to it, hell half the time I didn't even realize I was doing it. Which is probably why I never thought I was bipolar before. I just didn't realize. I thought I was reacting normal. Apparently I was wrong.

So why am I nervous? I'm nervous because I don't want him to take me off my current medication. I like my current medication and I don't want to go off of it. But I know that the minute I bring this up to him, it'll be mainly his decision as to what the best course of action would be. Now yes, I have say over what I do take and what I don't. But I don't know what is going to help. He's the one with the degree. I just don't want to go through all these different medications until we find one that works all the time, no matter what. I don't think something like that exists to be perfectly honest with you which is why I want something I can take only when I actually need it. Something I can reach for when I'm going down that darker path in my mind or where I get to the point that I just want to curl up in the fetal position and be in a dark space so I can feel safe again. I hate feeling that way. Or even when I'm getting manic. Manic isn't so bad, at least it doesn't seem like it is at the time. But there comes a point where I just can't concentrate on one thing. I'm mentally bouncing all over the place. Hell sometimes I'm bouncing all over the place quite literally.

I just want something I can take, wait about a half hour and be okay again. Especially when I'm at work. I can't run away and go home every time I feel that way. I have to stay. Firstly, I need my job. My job isn't going to put up with that very long. Secondly, we need my paycheck. It's our only source of income, so if I start taking an hour here, three hours there, it comes off my paycheck and it hurts us long term.

I honestly thought about creating a separate blog just for talking about my bipolar disorder. I talked to Master about it and He's worried that if I do that I won't write here as often. Plus this blog isn't just about kink, regardless of the title. It's about me, my life, my marriage, my submission.. Just basically anything and everything I feel I need to or want to blog about.

And I think Master prefers it that way. I think He prefers me just having one place to write everything I feel like writing about.

April 12, 2011

Extra Time With Master

Today I went to work. I started at 8am and by 10am I ran out of shit to do. *blinks* Seriously?

So I start doing bullshit work and as the time drags on finally my lunch break comes. I go on lunch and an idea pops into my head. Now mind you I'd been hyper since I had my first dose of caffeine. I was winding up into a nice manic stage. I was happy, hyper, and just kind of flying high. So I contacted Master and asked Him if He would please pick me up from work so I could leave early. He reminded me that I didn't want to burn through all my time at work, etc. So I explained how I was bored at work and in a manic mind frame. I also said that I wanted some extra time with Him.

He gave in and picked me up at 2pm. We didn't really have a plan, but we just wanted to bum around and enjoy the afternoon together. We hit a couple of stores and picked up a total of 3 DVDs. We found some great deals. $5 for a DVD is pretty awesome.

We came home and relaxed for a little while before starting our DVD marathon.

Right now Master is watching one of the movies and I decided to hop online to do my post before going to take my shower.

I know this isn't a very interesting post to most of you, but this afternoon has been wonderful. We walked around the stores, He had His arm around me, we held hands, we goofed around. It was a blast!

April 11, 2011


Most things become routine and "normal" when you are submerged in it long enough. Master and I have been together 8 years and for 7 1/2 of those years I have been His slave.

Yes, there have been many bumps in the road, mainly we came to later find out having to deal with my self destructive behavior directly related to my being bipolar and un-medicated at the time. But we have always come back to it, and here we are. Husband and wife. Master and slave.

Now I'm not dumb enough to think that everyone has the same dynamic in their relationship.

Now one thing in our marriage/dynamic that has never changed is the fact that I am His secretary. If people want to make plans they come through me, I talk to Him, and then I relay His response. About the only time that isn't true is when it's His mother.

That's not where I'm going with this. Okay, so I'm the secretary but He's the one who has final decision. Regardless of the fact that I give the opposite party the answer, the answer comes from Him. I'm just the messenger.

So today I noticed something about myself. When we make plans with a couple, I ultimately go to the male in the relationship to cement the plans.

It's not that I see this other guy as someone I should respect or that I see as dominant. It's just that I find myself assuming that within their relationship I figure that the male is the one that decides most things. And so rather than going to the mouth piece (the woman), I go to the source. Basically I cut out the middle man.

Now if I truly thought that all relationships worked like ours you would think that I would go to the female and have her relay the message, etc. But I think it's because I don't see the male as a dominant figure I cut the bullshit and go straight to him and go, "So when/what/where?"

It seems like a quicker process to me. Not that I see anything wrong or limiting in what Master and I do. Not at all. But for some reason I feel the need to not go to the wife/girlfriend as I would see that as wasting time, which in turn means that it takes me longer to get back to Master.

And that's down to the meat of it now that I just typed that. I go to the guy, in my assumption that the final decision rests with him in their relationship, because I want to get a quicker response for Master.



April 10, 2011

Enjoyable Sunday

Master and I woke up thinking we were broke as hell and that we'd spend another Sunday stuck in the apartment. We thought about taking the dog for a walk but it was 84 fucking degrees outside. Yeah. We were in what? The low 60's yesterday and today it jumps up to low 80's. Tomorrow it's supposed to be 51 degrees. What. The. Hell.

So that meant no long dog walks today. We did take Radar out to play though. He had a lot of fun and so did we.

At one point today I decided that I should do finances. We don't rely strictly on our online banking because with our last bank that really fucked us over. Like, bend you over no lube broom raping fuck you over. That bank sucked ass and is the reason why we switched to our current bank, which we love and have not had a problem with in three years.

So I go through our receipts and what not and then go into the online banking to double check it. And suddenly I'm staring at the screen like "Where the fuck did that money come from?!"

Apparently we got our state return back! Whoo-hoo!

So we decided to splurge a little bit because we almost never get to do that these days, and when we do it's like dinner at a restaurant and that's it.

So we go to the gas station and put a full tank it. At $3.89 a gallon currently we figured now was the time to fill it because we probably won't be able to afford it on my next paycheck. After that we went to a store that we just recently found that sells weird shit that both Master and I love. We've gone there just to look around and drool over stuff, but this time we were determined to buy something. And we did. In fact we bought two things.

Now, y'all know I'm morbid right? Well, if you didn't you do now. I'm morbid and I have a fascination with skulls (fake ones people...) as you may remember from previous posts. Such as this one where I ramble on about a quartz skull Master bought me.

Anyway, they sold these cold cast resin skulls that are really wicked. So we picked up two.


The pirate one is the one Master picked out. The grim reaper one is the one I picked out. (Yes, Master is just as odd as I am if not more so.)

So looking back on that other post about the quartz skulls I had planned on just collecting quartz skulls. But those are either a) hard to find unless you look online or b) expensive as all hell. So I've since changed my mind and have decided to just collect skulls (fake!) that I think look cool.

So after my morbid streak was fed we went to the used book store and picked up three books. That was the end of our splurging. We came home and have been enjoying the afternoon together. We watched a movie, and towards the end of it I sat at His feet while He was in His recliner and rested my head on His thigh. He placed His hand on the back of my neck and ran His thumb up and down. I started rubbing His cock through His boxer briefs until the credits rolled at which time He ordered me to the bedroom and fucked my brains out.

I took my shower and now we are just relaxing. It's too bad that tomorrow is Monday. I want to stay up late tonight and spend time with Master. Maybe He'll allow it.

April 9, 2011


I decided last night to do a little bit more research on bipolar disorder and things that can help. I saw one thing listed that struck a chord with me. It said that writing can be very therapeutic. Now I know that this is for pretty much anyone who enjoys writing, not just people with bipolar disorder. But still.

I used to write quite a bit. I wrote poems and stories. Nothing that ever got published mind you, although that used to be a dream of mine. To be published. To have my name on something that is sold inside a bookstore. That's what I miss about leather bound books... names and titles were imprinted and it looked so dignified. Well to me at least.

But anyway, I loved writing. I also love reading.

What brought this up for my blog post, aside from reading about the therapeutic benefits last night, was when we watched The Ninth Gate tonight. Now that may seem like one hell of a jump, for those of you that know the movie, but it did deal with books. Massive libraries of old and rare books. And I was sitting there watching this movie thinking to myself about how those authors' names have lived through centuries. They names may not be known by all, but to some they are.

A lot of people want to be famous, rich, etc. Me? I just would find it very interesting to see how long my work could live on. Like I've said I've always wanted to be a published author. But I realized you can't guarantee a living that way, so I needed to get a 9 to 5 to make sure I could survive.

I'm no Neil Gaiman.

But I still love to write. Master and I actually co-wrote a story at one point. We never finished it. Things happened, we let it go, and now it's forever lost because we never backed it up and our computer crashed. Live and learn.

I'm thinking maybe I should go back to writing. I can't do it all the time, I couldn't sit down and crank out a couple of chapters a night or anything. But it would be nice to write a little each day. It really would. Or at least study up on things I want to include in the story. Will I ever get it published? Most likely not, although that would be fucking awesome. Hell, I may not even finish it. But at least it would be something productive. It would be a creative outlet. It would be something to focus on, besides every day life.

And the hell of it? I actually have an idea for the "book". I use the term loosely because like I said it'll probably never be read by anyone but myself and Master.

So I don't know. Maybe I could start on it tomorrow. And if I do finish it, I'll submit it for to publishers just for shits and giggles. Hey, ya never know until you try.

April 7, 2011

Where Is My Cape?

Sometimes I wish I could be the hero. I wish I could take the few people in this world that I care about the most and put them in this protective bubble where they don't have to worry about anything and will have a life of happiness that is stress free.

But I'm not a hero. I'm just me. And there is only so much I can do. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to do it and it doesn't stop me from feeling like I should be able to do it.

I don't know if it's part of my bi-polar disorder or not. To be perfectly honest I haven't studied up on all of the things that are associated with it. Why? Because I'm a horrible mental patient. That's why.

There is a lot of shit that is going on right now in my family. I don't want to get into all of the details but I will say that it has to do with finances. Some people in my family are on the verge of losing everything. And I mean everything. It scares them, and it scares the hell out of me.

Master and I are in no position to help. I can't lend money because I don't have any to spare. I can't put a roof over their head because I can't afford more people in our apartment and I'd have to put them on the lease. I can't give rides anywhere because I don't have the gas money. It just fucking sucks.

Now never mind it's not really my job to provide any of these things. That doesn't matter. It's not even a thought inside my head. I just want to help, help and help some more. I want to give and do everything within my power to help even in some minor way. But I can't. I don't have the resources.

I believe in part the stress is what is making it harder for me to keep a grip. Stress from knowing about said situations and not being able to help, stress over our own finances, stress over stressing about the everything.

I was cycling today at work. And I was cycling rapidly. It was like my brain was spinning like a damn top and I couldn't slow it down or stop it. I would feel like I finally got a grip and then the grip would loosen and the cycling would continue.

I wanted to leave, get out of the building and go home. I wanted to curl up in a dark room with Master holding me and not say or do anything. Just lay there. That's all I could focus on for a good couple of hours this morning. But I was at work. I couldn't go home. We need the money on my paycheck to survive and so I couldn't leave even if I had the means to.

Master and I messaged back and forth and He got me to calm down. I was talking about taking the day off tomorrow. Like I said all I could focus on was not having to do anything but being at home. Home is where it's safe, ya know. But again Master talked me down. I need the vacation days for later in the year, in case I'm sick or in case something comes up and I need the day off. You know, logical and responsible type shit.

I wasn't convinced at first. It took me a while to realize that made sense. So I calmed down. And then out of no where I was fine. I was calm, I could focus on my job, and I no longer felt the need to not come into work.

I sent Master another message telling Him I was okay.

Next Friday I have an appointment with Dr. L. I'll be talking to him about all of this. Master thinks maybe my body is getting use to my medication and perhaps I need a higher dose. I am leaning more towards keeping my medication as it is and getting a new prescription for something that can help me cope when a bunch of shit hits me all at once.

But ultimately it all depends on what Dr. L says and what he feels would be the best course of action.

April 6, 2011

My Big Strong Man

I'm a petite woman. I'm 5ft1 and at most 115lbs. I'm a pretty girl who can be a tom boy. I like to hang with the guys and I cuss, a fucking lot. I love tattoos, piercings, scarification and many odd, odd things. I like it rough and the more dirty talk the better.

So while I am petite, I'm petite with an attitude. And Master loves that about me. But for as much as I can be a tough bitch who can handle her own, I still need that big strong man in my corner.

Master is tall. He's 6ft4 and built like a brick wall. And He's fucking sexy as hell.

We get some weird looks when we go out together because of our height difference, but if there is one thing in this world that makes me feel safe, it's Master. Last night I ended up going to sleep on the couch. I was exhausted and Master wanted to stay up longer. I don't like sleeping when He's not next to me. So the next best thing is to at least be in the same room as Him while I sleep.

Around 3am Master woke me up to tell me to go to the bedroom. So I stumbled into the bedroom, half awake. Master had already slid into bed while I climbed onto my side. I curled up on my side and scooted back until I felt His chest touch my lower back. Master tucked me in and wrapped me up in His arms. I remember smiling in the dark and feeling warm, loved and safe.

I don't think that I would be able to feel so safe or feel so submissive if it wasn't for the fact that I know He can wrap His one hand around my entire throat. There is just something about Him being so much bigger than I am that is a huge turn on. I love being man handled so I'm sure that's part of it. But I also know that He can keep me safe. He can physically protect me, and He can toss me around the room like a rag doll if He really wanted to.

So while yes, there is a very big size difference, I wouldn't have it any other way. And I don't think He would either. I know He gets off on being able to do whatever He wants to me and me not being able to do much to fight back. He can overpower me at any time, no matter how dirty I want to try and fight back. *purrs*

April 5, 2011

Post About Our Dog

I figured I'd be as up front as possible in the blog title.

Today our pup had to have his yearly check up. We've had him officially a year. It's amazing that it's been that long. When we first got him he was 1 year old and weighed 65 lbs. He was still growing at that point. (Maybe he still is. I'm not sure.)

Now he's 2 years old and he went to the vet to get a once over. They drew blood to make sure he doesn't have heart worms, got a physical, got his distemper shot and his 3 year rabies shot.

We have to wait for his blood work to come back but other than that he has a clean bill of health! Yay! And I'm 99.9% sure his blood work will come back fine. I'm leaving the 0.01% the hell alone just so I don't jinx the dog.

Well they weighed him today as well, as part of his physical. When Master told me how much he weighed I was floored. Seriously. Our dog weighs 72.5 lbs. 72.5! That is not a typo!

I only outweigh the dog by about 37lbs. It's a good thing he listens to me other wise I'd be dragged around whenever I took him outside.

Apparently the vet isn't sure what he's mixed with. They are seeing the traits of the breeds we think he is but they aren't sure what else he would be mixed with. Now that's a mutt. When you confuse your vet, you have a mutt on your hands. So Master and I are very happy that we have a healthy puppy. Although he's not a puppy anymore. That's okay, we still call him a puppy. He'll always be a puppy.

April 3, 2011


You know, when you first inform people (friends,family,etc.) that you are involved in a M/s relationship there are certain things that probably instantly come to most of their minds. "He must be a control freak and/or abusive asshole," as far as the Master side of things go. On the slave side, "She must be weak and/or not have any self confidence."

Those I believe would be some of the main points. Then there are the horn ball guys who fancy themselves Doms or Masters who figure that if a woman submits to one man, then she submits to all men. Like they can just walk up to you whether it be in front of your Master or not, and start barking orders. I laugh at those guys. Unless Master has given said person express permission to give me orders and has told me about such, I would in no way, shape or form follow those orders.

I only submit to Master. He has on occasion given BC permission to give me a few orders. But He told me about it and parameters were set up before hand. But then BC started getting way too pushy about it. There were times that he would come over and think he could give me orders because Master had previously said he could during that time frame. But apparently he thought that was an all access pass. There were times he would ask Master if he could get me alone and give me orders and all that. Master quickly told him that it would never happen, but that didn't stop him from asking a few more times until Master felt he had crossed the line way too much and put the friendship aside to say, "Look..."

From there it stopped and Master has never given him that permission again. BC took it and ran until he had given himself enough rope to hang himself with. So Master decided that he wasn't taking it seriously enough or was just not getting it through his thick skull that it was permission with very strict limits.

I remember one time we actually told one of Master's other friends. He got so pissed about it he started calling me a weak woman, that I was a disgrace to all the time and effort women before me had done in order to get women out of that role. He also started screaming at Master that He was a controlling asshole. And this was in our own home!

We haven't told many people about our dynamic. My mother knows. She doesn't know all the details and she doesn't want to. She doesn't feel any differently about Master or myself. She understands that our relationship is healthy and that I'm safe.

My father knows to a point as well. But he sees it as something to make fun of. He cracks jokes. He probably just thinks it's kinky stuff and doesn't take it seriously at all.

His mother has no clue and neither does His father. His dad probably wouldn't care but His mother would probably want to take me to a woman's shelter. She's nuts.

That's another stereotype. That the M/s dynamic is nothing more than abusive men and abused women. That it's not healthy. If only they knew how loving and happy our relationship is.

The other stereotype is the kind my father apparently has. That it's not serious. That it's just all fun and games.

There is a lot of work that goes into being an M/s dynamic, just like it does in any relationship. It is serious and it is not something to be taken lightly.

I feel that Master and I help break those stereotypes. He's not abusive, He's not a control freak. I'm not a battered woman with no direction in life. We're just a happily married couple with their own way of doing things and our own ways of expressing our love.

April 2, 2011

Fire is Still Burning

When I was a teenager I would hear things that my mother and her sister would talk about regarding their marriages. Not to mention my mother's friends. Nothing graphic, obviously, but just things that stuck in my mind.

The top things I heard were the following:

  1. "He just doesn't do (insert thing here) anymore!"

  2. "He just gave up. He figured we were married, so he doesn't have to try anymore."

  3. "The fire has just gone out of the marriage, it's all about comfort now."

Hearing stuff like that made me wonder why the hell they were married then. And I even thought that when my mother said it about my father. "If you're not happy, why the hell are you still married?"

Never mind the fact that I didn't know how much work went into relationships. Time, energy, love, pain, blood, sweat and tears. I had no clue. Although being a teenager I thought I knew everything. Duh. I was still dealing with what I now call "High School Bullshit". If you had one fight you just broke up and that was that. Fuck them, they sucked, you hate them... two weeks later everything was fine again. You know, teenage drama. The same shit I can't stand to hear about and/or see these days. You know, cause I'll all old and wise now at the ripe old age of 28.

No I don't know it all, and we've "only" been married for four years. But I have a hell of a lot more respect for how much work goes into a marriage.

Master and I fight. I sting Him with my words, He does the same to me. Sometimes we say things we wish we could take back the minute the words fall from our lips. Yes, these things happen in our marriage. What marriage doesn't have such things happen? I don't know of one. But there is so much joy and love in our marriage as well. It heavily out weighs the fights or any hurt that we have caused one another.

It's not always easy. It's not always smooth. But it is always worth it.

So lets get back to that list shall we?
1. "He just doesn't do (insert thing here) anymore!"

We did things when we were first dating that we don't always do now. But mainly because they are replaced by other things that are just as endearing. Other times those things still happen, they just don't happen as often. And then there are things we do now that are sweet and loving that we didn't do when we first started dating. So it's a really nice blend of all of the above.
2. He just gave up. He figured we were married, so he doesn't have to try anymore."

Yeah we're married. Yes we don't have to do all those things that you do when you're first trying to attract the other person. But we do still care that the other finds us attractive. We've both seen each other at their worst. Trust me. And we've seen each other at their best. And it goes without saying that we've seen everything in between. But He does things to still "try". He'll put on something He knows I love seeing Him in. He takes care of Himself. You know, things like that. Me? I try to take care of myself. I put on lingerie for Him. I put on make-up and heels. It's not all the time, I still love wearing my jeans and t-shirts. But every now and then (or when He orders it.. but I also take it into my own hands sometimes) I dress up for Him. As in a skirt or dress with heels and some make-up. Not when we're just going to the store. But sometimes I'll do it for no reason at all, or when we go out to dinner. So we're both still "trying".
3. "The fire has just gone out of the marriage, it's all about comfort now."

Neither of us are okay with just being comfortable. We've both had that in past relationships and it just gets so boring and it's when you know the relationship is slipping down that rocky road of failure. We want to keep the fire lit. Hell we want to keep tossing wood on the fire so it blazes hot and high. We flirt with one another, we sexually tease one another (okay I only do it when He allows it) and we both try new things in the bedroom to see if we enjoy it. A new toy, a variation on a position, different kinky stuff, new lingerie, new dirty talk, new things with our mouths. Basically anything that our perverted minds can come up with.

So I'm very happy to say that after eight years of being together, four of which we've been married, that our fire is still burning hot.

April 1, 2011

Family Time

Today I went down to my hometown to visit with my mom. What was really nice about it was the fact that it was just her and I. Don't get me wrong I love it when Master comes with. It's nice to see that my family loves him and He loves my family. It's heart warming to say the least.

But I don't get one on one time with my mom a lot. In fact it's incredibly rare. Before I moved up here to live with Master my mother and I hung out every other day. We get along great (unlike when I was a teen) and have a lot of fun together. Plus her and I like to go window shopping and Master finds that incredibly boring and pointless. I'm normally not that way either, but every now and then I enjoy it.

I spent a good four hours just hanging out with my mom. I think that was the first time in at least two years that there was no one else around.

Why you ask? Well, when I go to my hometown you would think I was a fucking celebrity. I don't get down there as often as I would like due to gas prices and a tight budget. It's a 45 minute drive one way, and that's only if traffic is good. On the flip side of that coin my family hardly gets up here. On my mom's end it's because she doesn't own a car that she would trust to get her here and back. On my father's end I have no idea why. Then again I don't want his girlfriend in my house so that's fine by me.

So anyway.. my family acts like it's this huge thing when I come into town. At least my immediate family. My parents are divorced so there are two households to hit up. When I go to my mom's it's her, her husband and my brother. My brother lives with her because his now ex kicked him out while he was unemployed because she found someone else. He's still unemployed unfortunately but is going to college. So that's a bonus. And sometimes my nephews are there as well.

So all told there is a minimum of three people in that house alone to catch up with. Then there is my dad, which as I said is a separate household.

So when I go to my hometown everyone wants to see Master and myself. They want to hang out, catch up, and all that. Which is great. Don't get me wrong I love catching up with everyone. But there's almost no one on one with any of them. My mother normally is busy and when she's not her husband is there. My brother doesn't have much down time between college and his sons, so normally I only see him when he's available and I'm already visiting with Mom. There is the rare occasion where I will pick up my brother and he spends the night up here. That's always a lot of fun. Master and my brother get along really well.

My dad's? Well, if he's there... so is his bitch of a girlfriend. He makes sure she's home if we're coming over because he wants us to all get along. He's trying to force her into the family basically. I'm not having it. I tolerate her for my father's sake. But that's it. The last time my father and I had one on one time was when I was 20 and we went to a concert together. Yeah, it's been eight years. Then again it would be awkward because even if I do just visit him without Master, cause He's sick or doesn't feel like visiting, the first words out of my dad's mouth is, "Where is (insert Master's name)?" And then has a look of disappointment on his face. Master and my father get along like best friends. It's incredible and I'm very thankful for it. But if I go down there by myself I don't have as much fun because it's like my dad isn't sure how to interact with me without my Husband there. It's kind of sad actually because my dad and I used to get along really well and always had a lot of fun. But that was a long time ago.

So yeah, I'm very popular when I'm in town. But I really enjoyed today and I'm glad my mother and I had some "girl time". Although she did make sure to say that next time she wants to see my Husband as well. *smiles* I'm very thankful that my family love Him so much.