There are quite a few people I should forgive. But I'm normally a bitch who holds one hell of a grudge. And there are certain people I can never and will never forgive. There are some things, in my opinion that you shouldn't forgive someone for. But since the topic is something you have to forgive someone for... I'll just choose one I feel I have to.
That person is my father and there are many things I have to forgive him for.
I have to forgive him for making my mother cry so many times and scaring her to the point that she had my brother and I go in the basement to watch TV while she turned out all the other lights off in the house so she could hide until he calmed down. My father had one fuck of a temper when he was younger. He has calmed down so much as he's gotten older that it's like he's not even the same person.
I have to forgive him for acting like none of it happened.
I have to forgive him for cheating on my mother for a year before telling her he wanted a divorce. I have to forgive him for acting like their 25 year relationship didn't mean anything. I have to forgive him for hurting my mother so bad that she didn't think she would ever be able to function again.
I have to forgive him for not taking care of my mother after she had surgery. That was up to his mother, my brother, and myself.
I have to forgive him for always putting his cars over giving us family trips. He never took us anywhere unless it was beneficial to his cars. We never had family vacations. He would spend money on taking an eight hour trip one way to buy a windshield but he said we never had money to just go have fun on a real vacation.
I have to forgive him that after he left my mother he decided to sell every single fucking car that he put above us going on a family trip for fun.
I have to forgive him for never wanting to act like my father and only wanting to be my friend. I have to forgive him for acting uncomfortable whenever I went to him with a serious issue. I have to forgive him that when I told him that I am bipolar he acted like it was nothing of significance.
I have to forgive him for making a pattern out of leaving women but cheating on them first. He did it to my mother for the woman he ended up being with for 10 years. He cheated on her for 6 months before telling her to get out of his house. He is now with said woman. Somehow I think, that even at the age of 50, he will repeat this pattern again.
I have to forgive him for not being a good role model. I used to think he was so cool; mind you this was before I really pieced everything together. But as I got older I realized how I didn't want to be like him. I didn't want to be that fucked up when I get to his age.
Why do I have to forgive him for all of this? Because he's my father and I love him. I understand that he has put us through hell and back. I know that he loves me, even though he doesn't always show it. He loves seeing me. He is still my father. He is calmer now. I honestly don't think he could tap into that former self if he tried.
I know that a lot of people wonder why he is still a part of my life. But when I go to visit him I protect myself emotionally these days by treating him like a friend. I don't act like he's my dad. And when I do that, when I treat him just like a friend, I actually enjoy my time. I'm not spending time with my dad, I'm just hanging out with one of my buddies. I don't see him as often anymore, although it doesn't so much have to do with everything I wrote out above, it has to do more with the fact that I hate his current girlfriend.
So there we go... my forgiveness.
I wonder if he reacted to the fact that you're bipolar the way he did because he was comfortable with it? I have quite a few friends and family who are bipolar and so someone telling me that they're bipolar doesn't really change anything about what I think about them. Mostly my reaction is a bit of "okay" if someone tells me their bipolar. If it's someone I am close to and it's a new diagnosis, I might ask if they want to talk about it. If it's someone I'm living with or going to spend a lot of time with, I might ask if there are any signs I should watch out for to alert them that they might be cycling, but mostly I figure anything I need to know I'll be told and it's largely not a big deal to me. It's not that I don't take it seriously, it's just usually not something that will impact my interactions with the person and I figure that if it will, they'll tell me what I need to know. It's not that it's not necessarily important or that I'm not supportive of the person, but I personally would feel uncomfortable in most cases coming up with a response that doesn't feel over the top to me. This is possibly because I'm really obviously physically disabled and I get a lot of people making it into a bigger deal than it really is. (It isn't really specific to bipolar that I'm like this, it's how I react to most long-term health diagnoses mental or physical.)
ReplyDeleteThe general exceptions are when I've had friends who were undiagnosed bipolar or who had taken themselves off their meds and were out of control. I've been involved in interventions a couple times in those sorts of situations. And I can be very blunt about "You need to go get your head sorted because I'm worried about your mental health". The other exception is when it's a friend who has been searching for a diagnosis for a while. It took me over 10 years to get my physical impairment diagnosis and so I can easily empathize with that frustration.
I'm certainly not defending your father, just thought I'd offer an alternate view for that particular thing. I wonder if since you say he's always tried to be more a friend than a father if he's just not got that level of mental "need to be supportive like a parent, not a friend."
I'm actually going to keep in mind that it's something that upset you that he didn't see it as important as you do and think about how I can show my support more obviously to friends/family if they tell me that they have a health condition.
You don't HAVE to forgive him those thing hon,yes he's your dad but ultimately the choice is yours to make.
ReplyDeleteMaster: I know I don't have to. But on some level I feel the need to. I'm never going to forget any of it. And I suppose I'll never truly forgive him for some of those things.
ReplyDeleteAlyson: I understand what you're saying. It's just that it rubbed me the wrong way. He didn't really say anything about it. Just kind of "um.. okay?" about it. I've told Master and my shrink that I think my father is bipolar. Maybe not to the degree I am.. but looking back on how he was and how he is now.. it would almost make sense. Especially since it is hereditary.