June 30, 2011

Nothing Strikes Again

I'm really hoping that this upcoming four day weekend is relaxing. Lately our weekends have been pretty chilled out, we haven't done much etc. But on extended weekends like the one coming up there is usually some drama. Not from us. Just friends, family, etc. And right now there is plenty to go around in both of our families as well as our friends. I'm sure we'll hear an update from someone soon.

Master gave me the night off the blog post last night. I had requested it because I had nothing to write about. Nothing entered my mind. So... today... here I sit and yet more nothing. I can't think of anything to really write about. Hell even just trying ramble out a blog post right now seems forced. But I know better than to ask for two nights off the blog in a row. I honestly don't think that has ever happened. At least not since the blog became requirement rather than a hobby.

Sometimes that means that I can't think of something to write about (like right now) and so I ramble a bit and see if anything makes my fingers dance across the keyboard.

*waits*

Nope.

Fuck.

I love writing which is why this shit pisses me off. I love doing my blog post too so it's not like I'm trying to get out of it. It's just that right now, aside from work, I have nothing on my mind and therefore nothing to talk about. I mean yeah, I could write about work. But it's the same old shit and I don't want to write about my job all the time.

If anything comes into my head later, I'll see if I can get a blog post out of it. But don't hold your breath.

June 28, 2011

Dear Weekend...

Dear weekend, please hurry the hell up.

It's only Tuesday and already this work week is trying my patience. An hour into my work day today I was ready to scream. I can't go into details, but it was something I've been working on since October that I just found out today wasn't even necessary. It isn't my job's fault at all. It's the company we're dealing with. It was their mistake. Mother. Fucker.

So yeah, that sucked major balls.

The rest of the day dragged. I didn't have enough work to even get me through my lunch hour. *sigh*

So every time something new was placed on my desk I grabbed it, starting working on it and tried to drag it out as much as possible. Even with me going slowly it only lasted a half hour. *head desk*

So I did a lot of bullshit work just to try and make the time pass. But that is one thing I can say about myself when I'm at work. Even if work is slow, I don't just sit on my butt doing nothing. I don't walk around and talk to people for hours at a time. I sit down, I do the work I have and then I try and scrape up more work to busy myself.

I'm a damn good employee. *nods* But how else can I build up job security? It's not by dicking around. Well, unless I was a hooker. Which I'm not. Ew.

 

June 27, 2011

Sir?

For the other slaves/subs out there. Is there something that your Master has you do that you kind of wonder why? I'm not talking about laundry or cleaning or rubbing His back. I'm talking about something sexual.

Yes? No? Maybe?

Well, Master has me do something every now and then that.. well I understand it to the point that I know it feels good to Him... I just don't understand the end result I guess.

This past weekend Master had me do it again. So what the fuck am I talking about right?

Sometimes Master will snap His fingers, point to the floor right in front of His feet. I kneel and then He grabs my hair and forces me to take His cock into my mouth. You know, the normal beginnings of Him telling me He wants a blowjob. So that's the thought that immediately enters my mind when He does this.

Then He throws me for a loop. He mind fucks me. He holds my head there by my hair. He doesn't allow me to move my head at all. He simply wants me to hold His cock in my mouth. That's it. No movement except for me having to swallow my saliva. Sometimes He wants me to move my tongue and other times He doesn't. I don't move my tongue unless He tells me to. That way I don't get in trouble. This time He didn't. It was simply His dick in my mouth. That was it. He just had me keep it there. It started off limp, but then.. it started to pulse and grow hard. It grew harder, and harder, until it was rock hard in my mouth and pushing at the back of my throat. Thankfully I have pretty damn good control of my gag reflex.

So I'm kneeling there, enjoying it (cause I'm sick in the head) and yet I wonder how He gets so hard simply by having His dick in my mouth. No movement other than my breathing and swallowing every now and then.

He has this continue for a while. Then, just as quickly as it started, He pulls my head up, lets go of my hair and then tells me to go do something or other that is in no way sexual. This time He told me to go get Him a soda.

That's it. His cock in my mouth, get Him a soda and then.. chill. Nothing happens again until later when we go to bed and fucks my brains out. So while, yes I do mentally get off from it because it's hot to me, it makes me wonder why He enjoys it so much. Perhaps it's just the control, the Dominance. That's probably it. But to be honest, the first time He did this I was rather confused by it. I didn't question it, I didn't ask Him why. I still have never asked Him why. I just simply accept it. Now? I just get very docile because He's having me do it for absolutely no other reason than because He could make me.

So, does anyone else have something like this?

June 26, 2011

Hmm..

I've been sitting here, staring at my blog, trying to figure out what the hell to write about for roughly 15 minutes or so. I must have really bad writer's block tonight.

It's been a good weekend but I feel kind of spacey right now. I slept in later than I wanted to and I'm sure I'll have a problem going to bed tonight. But waiting until I'm actually tired before passing out makes more sense to me rather than trying to force myself to sleep. Then I just get irritated and then can't fall asleep because I'm irritated.

It's a vicious cycle. Plus that means I'll be tired tomorrow when I get home and get back on my normal sleep schedule. That's really the only thing that works for me is to force my body to become so tired that I want to go to bed on time if not a bit early. Otherwise it's one night after another of nothing but my being restless.

Damn. Writing block again. I hate starting at the damn cursor when I can't think of what to write about. It mocks me.

June 25, 2011

It's The Little Things

You know, it's all of the little things that can really add up fast.

And sometimes, it's the little things that matter most. Or they can be the most insignificant dumb things ever.

When Master and I first started living together it was an adjustment, just like it is when first living with anyone else. One thing that used to irritate the hell out of me (it's stupid.. I know..) is that while He would grab new toilet paper for the bathroom He would just set it on the sink counter. The roller is right there. So like I said, it used to irritate the hell out of me. But eventually I just told myself that it was a very, very stupid thing to get upset about. So from that point forward whenever He does it, I just take it off the sink counter and put it on the roller. Done, over with. No big deal. Why that used to irritate me so badly I have no idea.

But it's also the little things that He does that make me so very happy. He'll just walk over to me and kiss the top of my head for no reason what so ever. Like He'll be playing a video game and wants something from the kitchen. The times where He doesn't want to ask me to do it, for whatever reason, He'll just pause His game and get it Himself. During these times I'm sitting at the computer, which is on the way to the kitchen. Every now and then on His way to the kitchen He'll kiss the top of my head, not say a word and then go into the kitchen, get what He wants and then goes back to playing His game.

It's sweet and it makes me smile. Or there are the times where out of nowhere He snaps His fingers, points to the ground right in front of Him while He's on His recliner and He'll start rubbing my shoulders. This normally happens when He knows I've had a rougher day than usual. I usually ask for a shoulder rub, but sometimes I don't want to bother Him about it because while it would be nice it's not to the point where I actually feel it is necessary in order to prevent a flare-up. But He just points, I kneel, He turns me around so I'm facing the TV and starts working on my shoulders or neck.

It's incredibly sweet of Him. He takes good care of me.

June 24, 2011

Picture Perfect

You know I've never really understood the kind of women who have to be all dolled up at all times. You know, the kind that have to have all of their make-up on, have their hair perfect.. not even one strand out of place, nice clothes and possibly heels on to even go outside to check the mail.

I've never been a girly girl, so maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I just don't understand because I've mostly been a tom boy. *shrugs* But when I see people like that, and my mother-in-law is one of them, it just irritates me. Take all that time and effort to just run a quick errand? Why?! I know that takes a while. In the time it took you to just get ready you could have left, done your errands, and have been back at home. Seriously.

Me? I'll dress up. I'll wear nice heels, a skirt, a nice top and have make-up on but that's only when Master and I are going out to dinner or to a bar or something like that. I don't dress like that just because we're going to the grocery store. And even when I do wear make-up it's eyeliner and lipstick. Nothing else.

I don't know why this popped into my head today but it did. So I just had to get it out of my head and decided to use my blog to do that.

June 23, 2011

Office Work Injuries

I am starting to get used to wearing the wrist support thing that I bought not that long ago. Master is having me wear it at work (minus my lunch break) and then when I am doing my blog post. Other than that I am to keep it off. That way I am wearing it when my wrist gets the most "punishment" and not when I don't really need it.

It's still kind of weird though. It's the kind with the velcro on it, so I am still trying to figure out the perfect "setting" as it were. Sometimes I get it right off the bat and sometimes I have to fuck with it a little before it is comfortable. If it's too tight then my hand tingles, if it's too loose it just feels weird. It feels like my wrist isn't getting enough support and I'm just wearing this weird uncool glove thing.

But I'll get there. I also have to wear my glasses when I'm at work, again unless it's my lunch break. If I'm reading a book at home sometimes Master will remind me to put them on. Usually that's only if I'm reading for an extended period of time though. He doesn't make me wear them when I'm at the computer at home, usually.

I only need my glasses when I'm on the computer and/or reading for an extended period of time. Well, at work I'm sitting in front of a computer for damn near 8 hours straight. So yeah. Glasses. I don't need them to drive or anything else. For instance, I'm not wearing them now and I'm fine. I can read and it's not a problem. But after a while the words start to get blurry and that gives me a migraine. That's how I found out that I needed glasses in the first place.

So yeah. Now when I'm at the computer at work I get to wear my glasses and my wrist support wrap. Go me! Hell of a fashion statement let me tell ya. At least my wrist wrap is black, so it goes with everything. My glasses? Well I have two pair. One is blue, which are the ones I wear at work the most. The other one are these really cute silver metal framed ones. I don't wear those to work much because I prefer the metal ones and would really hate it if something happened to them at work. Because of that though, I hardly ever wear them. Since I don't have to wear them at home, and I don't wear them when we are out and about, they just kind of... sit there. But to me that's better than them breaking. Plus, I can always wear them every now and again just to get some use out of them.

Thankfully I only need a wrist support wrap for my right hand. I'm sure that's because I'm right handed. So while my left wrist still does a lot of work when I'm typing, it doesn't get much abuse otherwise.

No one has mentioned the wrap at work, which doesn't really surprise me. Quite a few people at my job wear them, including my supervisor. Although his looks like it was prescribed by a doctor. It damn near goes down to his elbow and looks... intricate. That's really the only word I can think of. It has quite a few straps on it, and three pieces of metal (one on each side of the arm and one going  along the bottom of it).

I've also seen people at my job who have never needed glasses before, but now they do. And they are annoyed by it.

So apparently office work slowly forces you to wear glasses (or contacts) and wrist supports. Damn you office work! *shakes fist*

June 22, 2011

Headache. Ugh.

I was feeling great today. The weather was up and down, but it didn't seem to bother me at all. It would be sunny and then all of a sudden there would be a massive cloud burst. Then back to sunny. No biggie.

When I got out of work, the carpool dropped me off, I hopped into our car and I ran a couple of errands. Still felt great.

I got home, Master and I ate dinner and watched a Katt Williams comedy special. It was hilarious, as it always is, and I was in a good mood. Then I realized I had to run one more errand. Shit.

It was already 8:30pm. I still had to do my blog post, my exercises and take my bath. But no problem. It'll get done. Hell maybe Master will even let me stay up a little bit.

As soon as I walked outside my head started pounding. It's like the air is charged. Never mind the weather has been up, down and sideways today. Just a little pressure outside and suddenly the back of my head is pounding. What. The. Fuck.

I got home and put the soda away. Master said I looked kind of pissed off. I told Him that I had a bad headache. He told me to take a pain killer, which I did as soon as I was done.

He has been trying to keep tabs on my moods very closely. It's to help me realize when I'm not acting rationally. My medication dosages are still being played with, so I need His help to keep an eye on such things so I can keep my shrink properly informed. So I'm not allowed to say "Nothing" when He asks me what is wrong. I am to think about it, if I need to, and then answer honestly.

And I have been doing my best to do that.

June 21, 2011

Finally!

All this past weekend they had been calling for storms. It would maybe drizzle for about 10 minutes and then... nothing. *sigh*

Master and I love storms. We love the rain, the roll of thunder, the sudden cracks of lightning. Oddly enough we find it quite relaxing. Well, except for when the power goes out because the city decided it was a good idea to hang electric wires on poles around a lot of trees that are slowly dying and fall when the wind blows too hard.

Idiots.

But as long as the power stays on, we're very happy.

While I was at work today (I work in a different county than the one I live in) it was storming out there for a good hour or so. Master said it wasn't doing anything at home. So the only thing I could do was hope that it moved East. I love storms, but they aren't as much fun when I'm at work.

By the time I got home there was no storm, no rain. Nope. Clear skies. Damn.

But about a half hour ago the storm started! Sudden cloud bursts, lightning, thunder. It's been wonderful! Master and I have been enjoying it while we sit in the living room. In fact right now it is still raining and a little thunder here and there.

Storms, how I had missed you.

You may think I sound like a crazy person who goes storm chasing. Now, while I may be crazy, I do not chase storms. I don't have the equipment for that. Plus, the price of gas would kill me. Driving all over the country trying to track storms while paying damn near $4 a gallon? Fuck that.

No, I just love it when it storms here at home. Hopefully at least the rain will stay around for a bit longer.

June 20, 2011

Hunger

Yesterday Master was apparently rather hungry. For what? For me. :-D

Earlier on in the afternoon He ordered me to the bedroom. He had me go into a few different positions, each of them wonderful in their own way. He allowed me to cum several times. He was rough but not extremely so. It was more of a man handling, which I'm always up for.

After He got off He had me clean Him off, He scented me and we went back into the living room flying high on the sexual body buzz we both had going on.

Then somewhere right before my bedtime He ordered me into the bedroom again. This time He was a lot more rough with me than the last. He raked His nails across my skin, dug His nails into my hips as He bounced me off His cock. He nipped my ass and hips a few times in between having me move into a different position. I couldn't even see straight by the time it was over. He scented me again and had me clean Him off. When I cleaned Him off this time I rested my head on His stomach and just slowly ran my tongue up and down His cock while it was in my mouth. I don't know if that is what led to the third time or not, but either way I'm not complaining.

After the second round of spectacular sex I was sore, sensitive and tired. Master did let me stay up a little late since it was Sunday. I laid down on the couch and watched a couple of episodes of The Munsters with Master. (Yes, we like that show.) I brought my pillow out to the living room and Master allowed me to use His jean jacket as a blanket.

Master woke me up around 3am for me to go into the bedroom since He was ready for bed. I'm always really groggy when He does that. I am in no way, shape, or form complaining about it. I prefer to sleep on the couch until He is ready for bed. But I also love sleeping next to Him in bed when He's ready to go there. So He wakes me up, I stumble off to the bedroom and get on my side of the bed.

That's exactly how it went last night. Except as I was double checking my alarm clock while sitting up Master laid down behind me, wrapped His arm around my waist and proceeded to bite my back and shoulders. I was not even half awake, and I think that only intensified the sensations. He rolled me onto my stomach, forced His cock into my already sore cunt. He was not kind. He was rough and growled into my ear and nipped my shoulders on and off. As He bucked His hips, filling me for the third time that day, I felt every single twitch of His pulsing cock. My pussy was dripping wet but I could feel how sore and swollen it was. Again, I'm not complaining. ;-) He then laid down fully, pulled me to Him and we drifted off to sleep.

This morning I got up and my pussy was still sore and has stayed that way all day.

So yeah, it was a good Sunday. How was yours? :-)

June 19, 2011

Finally Admitting To Yourself

You know how sometimes you know something is wrong with you, physically, and that you should probably take care of it but you can't quite bring yourself to do it. Maybe it's something like admitting you need glasses. That is actually a pretty good comparison. When I was about 21 I realized that I couldn't see as well as I used to. I just shrugged it off for a while until it started giving me pretty bad headaches. So I finally broke down and went to the eye doctor. I only needed the lowest prescription you can get, but still. It was necessary.

Well for about the past four months I've noticed how when I've been typing my right wrist would twinge. Slowly but surely that twinge became a dull ache. But it only took about a half hour after I got out of work for it calm down. But for the past month it's hurting every time I type for an extended period of time. The pain would subside but it would hurt much later on when I hadn't been typing at all. Including the weekends, minus my blog post of course.

But it was really starting to bother me. After my blog post yesterday, which honestly didn't take all that long to type out, my wrist was throbbing and I asked Master to work on it a bit. That's pretty bad.

So today I broke down and bought a wrist support wrap. I could have gotten a one that had a mental splint in it. But I need to have at least some mobility in my wrist. At work I have to be able to go through files and dig around in file cabinets. I felt that the metal splint would hinder me and possibly end up hurting me more than help. As in it may hurt when I try to bend it too far in order to do a part of my job and slightly injuring myself.

So instead I went with a wrap. In fact I'm wearing it for the first time right now. And it actually feels pretty good. It will take time to get used to it, but I think it'll work out well.

Before my promotion at work I had to type up to 85 wpm just to keep up with my workflow. I did that for a year and I've had jobs in the past where I had to type a lot at a good rate. In my current position I still have to type but it isn't a matter of "type as fast as you can" situation.

I just don't think my wrist could take that kind of "punishment" anymore. So I'm trying to make it better/easier on myself by getting this wrist wrap. I'll be taking it back and forth between work and home. I will wear it at work all day, minus my lunch break, and then when I'm at home I can wear it when I do my blog post, like right now.

I really hope this works.

June 18, 2011

Random Thoughts

I have some things I could post about but rather than breaking it up over the next few days I want to do as much of it as I can in one post. So I'll be covering several topics. Please try to not get lost. ;-)

Last night we went out to dinner with my mother-in-law and her husband to celebrate Master's birthday. Honestly Master had gotten up to the point that if His mother started anything, like taking small digs and what not, which she is famous for, He was going to fire back. He wasn't going to just let it go without a comment basically. That being said, nothing happened. We all had a good time, His mother didn't take any digs at all. In fact she told us that we didn't have to come down on Sunday because they were going to paint the smaller rooms first and really only needed our help painting the living room. That honestly caught us off guard. In fact, the whole feel of the dinner caught us off guard. She was in a good mood, as was her husband, no digs, no back handed compliments. Nothing. She was pleasant and talkative. Everything she said was positive. It was.. weird. So while we had a good time we left going, "What the hell just happened?"

Odd, I know.

The rest of Master's birthday was spent with us at home talking and having a good time. He then said something very sweet. He said He was glad that I had taken the day off of work. Normally He doesn't want me to take off of work unless it's important. I had told Him that His birthday is important. But when I initially brought it up He hemmed and hawed about it. He eventually gave me permission to do so. He said He was glad that I had taken it off because He had such a good day with me and He was thankful for the extra time with me. He didn't say it, but I think what He was getting at was it meant a lot to Him that I had taken His birthday off even though we really didn't do much but sit at home. I didn't take it off for a party, or for a night out on the town. I had simply taken it off to be with Him on His birthday. While He doesn't really like His birthday I know it bothers Him when people don't remember it. So for me to take the day off to just be with Him, I think it meant a lot to Him. And that makes me very happy. That's all I really wanted. I wanted to be with Him on His birthday. It's as simple as that.

We are also glad that we don't have to go to His mother's on Sunday. We don't really have the gas money for it and my paycheck isn't until Friday. On top of that I really don't like doing a lot of Sundays. Especially if it's something where we aren't going to get home until 8pm. I may stay up on Sunday anyway, but it's at home and I can relax. I don't have to come home and unwind. Plus that means that Master and I can do our own thing.

Okay, now onto the subject of finances and relationships. Most of you probably already know that our finances aren't that great. We get by but we can't splurge often and even when we do it's not much. We do something simple, like go out to dinner. And even with that it's not an expensive restaurant. We simply have to keep a tight grip on our finances. One of the things I love about our bank is that we have the option of making our accounts where you literally can not go over. Which is the option we took. You can not go over whats in your account, which also means you can't get overdraft fees. Now where that would suck in an emergency situation it's great for day to day shit. For instance, if we happen to not realize we don't have that much money in the account when we go shopping, it'll simply deny the card rather than letting it go through and getting an additional $25 fee tacked onto it. That helps a lot.

They say that one of the most likely things to end a relationship or a marriage is financial stress. Now where we do get stressed and can get snippy with each other because of it, it will not end our marriage. We take our vows very seriously and one of them is for richer or poorer. Another one being in sickness or in health. Master has a blood disorder where if He gets a cold it can quickly become pneumonia which can quite literally kill Him if it is not caught in the very early stages. Then there is my chronic pain and bipolar disorder. So there are health problems on both sides of the coin.

Yeah, I know. Anyone who is married, or has been married, knows the vows. But still, pointing them out now and then helps keep our stress levels down.

HG, the fiance of BC, at one point asked how long we had waited until we got married. I told her that we got engaged at the 2 1/2 year mark but didn't get married until the 4 year mark. She asked if part of it had been because of finances. And admittedly that was part of the reason but even then we didn't spend a lot. The most expensive thing was our honeymoon and even then comparatively speaking to other honeymoons I've heard of, it was a rather modest honeymoon. We spent $200 on the actual wedding, including the marriage license and $500 on the reception including food and a bartender, but it was a cash bar. We didn't have a DJ or a band. We had a boombox and burned CDs. But we loved it. Everyone had a great time. We danced to our song and that was it. The rest of the music was just to have a good time. Our wedding rings, which are titanium, were only $400. I don't have an engagement ring because I proposed to Him and I hate diamonds anyway.

So HG then asked why we hadn't gone all out on it. I told her that we didn't need that. All we wanted was to be married. I wanted to be Mrs. Coyote. He wanted me as His wife. All we needed were the rings, an official that could marry us and the piece of paper that made it official. Everything else was trimmings. Although honestly we did want to have some kind of celebration afterward with our family and friends. But $500 on the whole reception isn't that much at all.

She then asked what happened after the wedding. I told her that as soon as we got back from the honeymoon we were tight on finances. And slowly but surely we became broke. She asked why we had bothered then. I got insulted by that question. What do you mean why did we bother? Fuck you very much. We bothered because we wanted to be married and it was important to us that we be married on our four year anniversary. She thought it was weird that we got married on a Wednesday. I simply explained that that was our anniversary and it didn't matter at all to us what day of the week it was on.

So now lets go into the situation... I don't know if I would call it ironic.. but it's makes me feel a little good inside. That may sound horrible when I explain the situation but the way she sounded like she was talking down to us for how our wedding was handled.. it makes me smirk a bit. Kind of a karma thing. Her words came to bite her right in the ass.

HG and BC got engaged on their 2 year anniversary. BC had spent over $3,000 on just the engagement ring. To me that sounds like way too much money to spend on a piece of jewelry. Way, way too much. In fact he bought it on their year mark and hadn't paid it off until their second anniversary.

Okay.. they had moved in together at about the year and a half mark. They had bought lots of appliances that were not cheap at all. A washer and dryer, things that came from Bed Bath & Beyond.. basically anything that comes from Walmart, Alids, or K-mart is beneath her. Now where I understand that a lot of people may not shop at such places if they don't have to. But if you don't have the money to buy the more expensive shit then it's not beneath a lot of people (in my opinion) to shop at such places. You do what you have to do. But not her. Oh no.

So back to the engagement part. BC took her out to Vegas at one of the ritzy hotels right on the strip. He spent a lot of money on wining and dining her. Then he purposed and she had said yes. Since they got back they have been going on mini vacations every other week. And not cheap ones. It's not like they went camping or anything.

They were planning a big expensive wedding. She wanted to spend about $5,000 on her dress alone. And now? Oh now they had to break their lease at the duplex they were renting and move in with his parents. They lived way outside their means and BC dropped a salary job, guaranteed money, to work a commission only job because she pushed him to saying that he could make a lot more money. Never mind it was further away from home. Never mind there is no base pay and is strictly commission. She thought there would be a lot more money in it. She was wrong. Her job makes decent money but not enough to support both of them, a $500 a month car payment, bills, rather high rent and their standard of living.

So rather than lowering her taste for expensive things (they could easily have afforded at least the rent and car payment if they had stopped buying such expensive shit and not going three hours away and staying in nice hotels every other weekend) they decided that they would break their lease and move in with his parents so she could still do the things she wanted to do. Plus, they won't pay his parents rent and they get the entire upstairs to themselves. They aren't even going to help pay bills. That is very disrespectful of both of them to his parents.

Now us? During the times that Master was not working or we both had low paying jobs it got scary. In fact at one point we were so behind on our bills that we had to sell Master's car to get caught up. It sucked. But we did it. Right now I make decent money and Master is not working. He is sending out applications like a mad man and I've been tossing out ones online for Him from time to time. We are busting our asses basically. But you know what? As tight as our finances have been we have never once even remotely considered moving in with family. We have always kept a roof over our heads, the bills paid, food in the house (although sometimes rather cheap food), food for the animals and at least some gas in the car. It's tight and it's frustrating but we do what we have to to keep our independence, not have to rely on anyone and not put anybody out. We have sometimes had to borrow money, but we pay it back every time as quickly as possible. It's normally about $50. There was one time that we borrowed $350, but that was in order to get the brakes and rotors replaced on our car as it was getting to the point that it was no longer safe to wait any longer. Even with that we are paying it back as much as we can each and every month.

But we don't live outside of our means. If we don't have the money then we don't have the fucking money. In fact we worry more about getting the animals their food before we worry about our own. If that means cutting down on our grocery money so be eat. We don't starve. We eat every day. It's just not steak that week.

And because of that, we get by and we have what we need. We may not be able to get things we want, things that aren't necessities, but we know that eventually we will. We know we can live with out and everything else is much more important.

I just can't understand people who must have the finer things even if that means having to move back in with mommy and daddy.

June 17, 2011

No More?

Today is Master's birthday and I'm not sure if I'll be able to do a post later because we are going out to dinner with Master's mother. Master is sleeping right now, so I thought I would hop on and do a post.

Last night Master asked me to be creative again with my lingerie choice. He really liked it the last time. He did tell me not to have the outfit look too similar to the last. So it was a bit of a challenge. I must have pulled out every single piece of lingerie out of the dresser. While doing that I decided I need new lingerie. Specifically I need new thigh highs and long gloves (also known as arm warmers). I also need more fingerless gloves.

I don't know what my fascination with fingerless gloves and arm warmers are, but I absolutely love them. I think they are sexy as hell and I just love the look of them.

So anyway, I finally decide what I'm going to wear. Part of which I chose a pair of  my fishnet fingerless gloves. It's a mix matched set. One is long, damn near to my elbow, which I put on my left hand, and a short one that doesn't go past my wrist, which I put on my right hand.

I felt sexy. I felt great.

So I walk out into the living room where Master is and kneel by His chair. He told me that I look great.

As we continue to go about the evening I look at my arm warmers and asked Master if He thinks I'm getting too old for them. He basically looked at me like I was nuts. I'm 28 years old. I look young for my age. And looking young for my age helps, a lot. But I started to wonder.. how old is too old to wear some what gothic clothing and mini skirts, not to mention fuck me heels. 30? 40? 50?

Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe you just wear what the fuck you want to wear regardless of what others think. Would I still be wearing this stuff when I'm in an old folks home and all the residents think I've lost my fucking mind?

I've seen pictures of my mother when she was younger. She wore bell bottoms, platform shoes, etc. Basically what was popular for teenagers in the 70's. She isn't even 50 yet. Now? She wears "mom jeans", white sneakers, those long sleeve button up "jacket" type things that you put over another shirt. I mean I know that my mother wouldn't still be wearing platforms. (Although quite honestly that would be fucking hilarious.) But... she more or less just dresses like a typical mom now.

So... will I ever get to the point that I think I shouldn't wear the things I wear now? Tight tops, mini skirts, fuck me heels, fingerless gloves, arm warmers. I don't know. And I don't know why the thought of "Am I too old to be wearing this?" popped into my head.

Just out of plain curiosity, what do you guys think? Is there an age that it basically becomes "inappropriate"? If so, what age? Does age matter at all when it comes to such things?

June 16, 2011

Extra Day

Today I was sitting at work and started thinking about taking tomorrow off of work. Tomorrow is Master's birthday. I have had to work on my birthday and our anniversary already this year. Master hates His birthday and insists that it doesn't exist. Now, keeping that in mind, I want to spend time with Him for His birthday. Even though He doesn't want to admit that it in fact exists, I feel it's one of those times in the year that I should spend extra time with Him. Like our anniversary.. etc.

Since I had to work both my birthday and our anniversary I decided to ask Master if it would be okay for me to take tomorrow off. He granted it, so I sent a request to my supervisor and it was approved.

Part of the reason is because if I hadn't I really would only have had Saturday with Him. Tomorrow night we are going out to dinner with His mother and her husband. So if I had gone to work I literally would have walked in, changed, put on make-up (if there was time for make-up) and headed right back out. Then we would have Saturday to ourselves. But then Sunday we are going down to His mother's to help paint her condo. Again. It was just painted two years ago but suddenly she no longer likes the color scheme. *sigh* We helped last time too. Only this time His mother will actually be there, not just her husband. So we both know that she isn't going to paint. She is simply going to dictate, nag and tell us how to do what we're doing. Honestly, we both wish she just wouldn't be there until it was done. It's less of a headache.

But now I have all of Friday, up until dinner, of just Master and myself. I'm glad that Master allowed me to take the day off of work.

June 15, 2011

Mix & Match

I hadn't been dressing up for Master lately. He hadn't mentioned it really and I hadn't either. So when we fucked I was just naked and/or half asleep.

Yesterday while I was at work I knew I wanted to dress up for Him that night. When I got home I said that I wanted to. He said that He had been thinking the same thing during the day. Funny how that works.

So I asked Him what He wanted me to wear. He told me to be creative.

So I went into the bedroom before I took my bath and started digging through the various lingerie that I have. I've had all of it for some time now, so trying to figure out something Master hasn't seen me in for a while is sometimes a difficult task.

But He had told me to be creative. So that didn't necessarily mean to just pick out an outfit and throwing it on. So I started to dig more and randomly toss stuff onto the bed for me to sift through.

Finally that task was done. I had a few choices that I could use to mix and match into a "brand new outfit". I finally decided on the pieces I wanted, grabbed a pair of heels and went into the bathroom. I took my shower and once that was done I quickly got into my make your own lingerie wardrobe.

I had selected my favorite pair of half sleeve gloves, a black top that basically only covers my tits. Think a tube top but one just for your breasts that has a hole in the middle to show even more cleavage. After that I toss on my leg warmers and a pair of heels.

When I walked into the living room Master said I looked nice. At first His reaction wasn't quite what I was expecting. I thought it would be more... dramatic? I wasn't mad or anything just a bit confused. So He played video games and I read a book until we had to take care of the animals. Shortly there after Master ordered me to the bedroom. It was then that I realized just how much He loved my outfit. He had me keep the heels on, had the lamp on and proceeded to eat me out. After I got off He climbed on top of me and fucked me hard. He alternated how He wanted my legs. Both of them up, one down and one up, etc. It was when He had one leg pushed to the side over His thigh and one leg up so that my ankle was resting on His shoulder that He grabbed my hip with one hand and my ankle with the other. He was fucking me hard and fast. Suddenly He reached down and pulled my top down. He said He wanted to watch my tits bounce as He fucked me. That was one hell of a turn on. Especially since He's more of an ass man.

After I had quite a few more orgasms He turned me onto my side, knelt behind me and proceeding to bounce me off of His cock. When He came I bucked my hips, it seemed to make His orgasm last longer. He then collapsed on top of me and then we laid down next to one another. I cleaned Him off and He scented me. He allowed me to get undressed and relax for a little while in the living room with Him.

It was nearly my bedtime and after a while I knew that if I stayed in the living room I wouldn't fall asleep. So Master allowed me to go to bed.

This morning I woke up to a note telling me how much He loved the outfit I had worn last night. A direct quote "It was fucking hot!" He told me that He should have me be creative more often. That made me smile. I don't know how much I can mix and match but I'm sure I'll find a way, if it pleases Him.. I want to do it.

June 14, 2011

Side Effects

On Friday my shrink had upped me from 225 milligrams to 300 milligrams due to my concerns. He told me that if I had any problems to call him. (Thankfully he doesn't charge for talking on the phone.)

So I started my 300 milligrams on Friday. That night I took that dosage for the first time. I felt a little funky afterward but I just chalked it up to having had a long week. Saturday again, I just felt a bit funky.

Then comes Sunday. I started to feel it a bit more. I was light-headed and couldn't fully focus my eyes for a while. So I was thinking about it and decided to keep taking that dosage. I figured that it was just because my body was getting used to the dosage. Remember, this is one of those drugs that has to build up in your system. Plus I didn't want to change the dosage without talking to Dr. L first.

But then last night it was a bit... unsettling. In fact I had Master read off the side effects to me. I would have read them myself but I couldn't read it. My eyes were focusing in and out, my depth perception was way off, I wasn't coordinated at all and I was seeing double every now and then.

Master basically said I was acting as if I were drunk. (Never mind I haven't had a drop of alcohol since March.) I'm not a big drinker, so when Master is telling me I'm acting drunk.. that's not good. He said that I was wobbling when I was walking, my speech was slurred, etc. So when Master read off some of the possible side effects it made sense. Double vision was listed, as well as lack of coordination, etc.. I remember having to put my hand on the wall as I was trying to walk to the bedroom.

The odd thing is, it only lasts until I fall asleep. Master woke me up in order to check on me. When He realized I was fine, He used me. And when I got up this morning I felt perfectly normal.

Regardless of those facts I decided to call Dr. L. I told him the side effects I was experiencing. He asked me if I had experienced any side effects from this drug before it was upped to 300 milligrams. I told him that no, I hadn't. So he said to go ahead and go back down to the 225 milligrams. He told me to let that build that up in my system for a few weeks before deciding it wasn't enough. He also told me that if I need to push up our next appointment from the beginning of August to not hesitate to call his office and he'll get me in asap. I promised him that I would. He also told me to have my Husband keep an eye on me and for Him to make sure He told me right away if He noticed anything different. I told Dr. L that Master has the office's number just in case.

So tonight when I got home from work I bought a pill organizer. You know, one of those things that holds your pills for the week. In order to take 225 milligrams currently I have to take one full pill, and then cut another in half and take the half at the same time as the one full pill. Once I got home with the pill organizer I put one full pill into each compartment and then Master cut other pills into halves so I could put them in there as well. This was all Dr. L's suggestion. He said that way I don't just have a bunch of half pills sitting in the regular medicine bottle and accidentally take either not enough or too much. It was a great idea in mine and Master's opinion. I should have thought of it earlier.

Dr. L is awesome. He had only upped it to 300 milligrams because I had expressed that I wasn't sure the 225 milligrams was enough due to a breakdown I had. But then again I hadn't let it build in my system for more than a week and a half. This time I know better. I'll let it build up and then if I feel it isn't enough I'll call Dr. L, make an appointment and he already said that rather than upping my dosage he'll just add a different medication so that the side effects will be little to none.

June 13, 2011

Taken

Sometimes it doesn't matter how I'm feeling. And honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Last night is a good example. We had already fucked earlier in the afternoon. I had taken a short nap on the couch after. I would say it was about a half hour. I woke up to take my pills and then take care of the bunnies while Master took care of the dog.

When I came back in we watched some TV shows on Netflix. I was sitting on the couch wearing one of Master's t-shirts. I was way out of it. When I take an extremely short nap I end up feeling very groggy and just can't seem to break out of the haze. So when one of the TV shows ended Master started turning off the TV and Xbox 360. I wasn't thinking at all and said, "Master why are You turning off everything?" I knew it wasn't my bedtime and even if it was He very rarely goes to bed the same time I do.

His answer was very simple. And very fucking hot. "I have no use for them. You however..."

He grabbed my collar and pulled me up off the couch. He smacked my ass and told me to get into the bedroom. I quickly walked in there, still groggy even though I was very turned on. I laid down on the bed and slowly took the t-shirt off. Master laid next to me and asked what position would be best for Him using me. Now it may seem odd that He would be asking me this question. But even though it doesn't matter how I'm feeling, He'll still use me... He also knows that certain positions are easier for me to maintain depending on how I'm feeling. So I told Him that I would prefer to lay on my stomach.

He pushed me over and laid on top of me. At first it was just this weird.. disconnected feeling. I mean I felt everything, I enjoyed everything, but I wasn't really focused. I don't know if that makes sense. I was responding. I moaned, whimpered and arched my back. But it took one particularly violent slam to my pussy that snapped me right out of it. I was fully alert and I started bucking my hips. In response Master raised His hips up and propped Himself up with His hands resting on my wrists.

Every time He pushed forward, I would buck my hips so that He would go even deeper. As He started to pull back I would rock my hips down eventually resting them on the bed. It was a quick pace, but everything was just.. perfect. Master was breathing heavy and His thick cock was hurting my already sensitive pussy. It was wonderful.

I wasn't allowed to cum but that didn't matter to me. I wanted Him to use me. I wanted to be His willing victim. It gets me off mentally. When He started to cum He arched His back, threw His head back, suddenly gripped my shoulders, pushing me even farther into the mattress. He rocked His hips roughly as His orgasms crested.

When He was finished He collapsed on top of me, nuzzled my neck and called me a good girl.

We relaxed for a little while on the bed before going back out to the living room. He allowed me to put my t-shirt back on because I was going to fall asleep on the couch until He came to bed. He allowed me to use His jean jacket as a blanket as I dozed off.

June 12, 2011

The First Time

I had a post running through my head as I was sitting here online reading other blogs. It's no where near my normal time for posting, but it's not like I have a set time. I just normally do it at night.

Okay, the blog post title probably won't make much sense until later into the post. But first I want to post about last night, which is what made me think of the thing I will be talking about in a moment. (I hope that makes sense.)

So last night Master was playing a video game and I was on the computer. I had already taken my bath and I had one of Master's t-shirts on. Well, I was horny. I had been for a while but suddenly it hit me how badly I needed to fuck. So I went over to Master and knelt beside Him. He didn't even look down at me. He kept plugging away at His game, but He did say "What do you want Kitten?"

I said, "I'm horny."

He chuckled. I knelt up to try and lick His neck and nuzzle His jaw line. He pulled away each time while grinning. I pouted and told Him He was mean. He did look down at me at that point, still grinning. "I am not mean." I told Him that yes, He was in fact mean. He chuckled again. That dark, throaty chuckle He has that causes a shiver to go down my spine and my pussy clench suddenly. I love that chuckle.

He orders me to the bedroom which I quickly do and pull the t-shirt off, throwing it somewhere. It doesn't matter where it just had to come off so we could get down to business! I climbed onto the bed and got under the covers. (It was a bit chilly in the bedroom.) He climbed into bed as well and had me roll onto my side so that I was facing Him. I slide my arm between us and started stroking His cock. He pushed my head down so that the side of my neck was exposed. He brushed the hair out of my face and quickly bit down hard. It felt like His teeth broke through my skin, but I know it didn't. It simply left nice little indents. It seemed to go on and on and on. The entire time I was stroking His cock, alternating speed and pressure. Sometimes just grabbing the base and squeezing a little. He moaned, but His teeth remained latched onto my throat.

Once He was done biting He nipped me a few times on other parts of my neck before violently shoving His tongue in my mouth. It was no where near a gentle kiss. I couldn't even move my tongue. He wasn't so much kissing me as He was invading my mouth. He pulled back and very gently and lovingly kiss me. It was a lovely exclamation point to what had just happened.

He rolled me onto my stomach and as He moved to go between my spread legs, I asked Him if He would please use His tongue everywhere if He didn't mind. His voice was deeper than usual as He said, "Not at all." He laid down on top of me, slightly lower that usual and took my left tit into His mouth. He bit, He sucked, He gently flicked His tongue. Driving me through so many sensations so quickly that my head spun. He did the same to the other one and then alternated between the two. I had no time to recover. No time to think straight.

When He felt He had molested my tits enough He slid down and had me move up higher so He could be comfortable. He definitively knows what He's doing when He eats me out. Holy hell does He ever. He goes up and down, sucking and licking, concentrating on one area and then suddenly changing up His approach. I asked Him to please finger me for a while and then switch to finger my ass.

He changed His position so it would be comfortable for Him and shoved His fingers inside me while slowing brushing my clit with His tongue and then sucking it. Sucking on my clit is a sure way to get me revved fast. He continued this way for quite a while. I was near the breaking point when He pulled His fingers out and slowly and gently pushed one up my ass. Ya see, Master loves anal sex. I.. need to learn to love it. It's never been completely comfortable to me. Either it hurts like hell regardless of what position or how gentle He is. It just.. hurts. And other times it is tolerable and some what enjoyable. I've never just been "Please don't stop!" about it. And Master wants me to get there. Not just because it will give Him more pleasure but because He wants me to fully enjoy it as well. He doesn't want to do it to hurt me. Even though He is a sadist He wants me to enjoy it, as that makes Him enjoy it all the more.

So we are slowly but surely training my ass. So once His finger was in my ass I begged Him to please go slowly. I didn't want to get off to quickly. I wanted it to last a while so I could get used to it. If I get off to quickly, then I become to sensitive for it to continue. So He went slow. I think He knew why I had asked that and He was more than happy to do so. He is not like most guys I've heard of where they want to get it over as soon as possible. Not my Master. Oh no. He loves eating me out. As soon as He's done He's harder than a rock and His dick is bobbing up and down as the blood pulses through it.

As I said He is taking His time and at first it was a bit uncomfortable. But as He continued it became more and more pleasurable. I know His finger is no where as thick as His cock, but it's a start. He builds up speed and how rough He is as far as fingering my ass but His tongue remains slow. Suddenly I feel that familiar rush of warmth that runs through my whole body right before I cum. The orgasm is shockingly strong. After I got off He sat up a little bit and slowly, gently, pulled His finger out. I was laying there in a daze. He asked me if I was okay and I nodded my head. He grabbed my ankles and flipped me over before He grabbed my hips and positioned me into the doggy style position.

He alternated between having me on all fours, to me kneeling up while bouncing me up and down His cock, to bowing down with my face planted on the mattress and my ass in the air.

As I'm bowed down He rests His head on my back, right between my shoulder blades and growls into my ear. "Cum for me. And then I'm going to rape you." I shiver and I start to cum. It went on and on. As my orgasm is rolling through my body He whispers, "That's it Kitten. Massage my cock." That only made the orgasm go on longer. Finally I came down from it.

He pushed me down by the base of my neck and moves one leg to the side, which is my queue to lay down on my stomach. As we position ourselves this way we have become experts at not having His cock pull out. We're just that damn good. I put my arms above my head, holding my wrists up. He grabs them and pushes them down while hooking His legs beneath mine just below my knees. He slams into me, taking what He wants, taking great pleasure in my whimpers, moans and squeaks. (Yes, I squeak.)

I feel His cock get harder, warmer. I know He is about to cum and the only thing I can do is breathe the word, "Please." And He tossed His head back and rocked against my hips as He filled me. Once His orgasm had ended He laid down next to me and had me clean Him off. He scented me and we went out into the living room to enjoy the rest of the night.

So, what the hell was the title about right? Yeah.

Okay so I don't know why, but I think it was the way He was rocking His hips that made me think of the first time I called Him Master during sex. We had just started the dynamic between us. I had called Him Master but not while we were fucking. I don't know why I hadn't. It just hadn't happened yet.

He's fucking my brains out and suddenly pulls His cock out, has me lay on my side and positions Himself so He is kneeling behind me. He slips His cock in, grabs my hips and proceeds to bounce me against His cock. The base of Him never really coming away from me. As He continues this very rough and enjoyable fuck I had just gotten off for like the 20th time and I can tell He is getting closer to having His own orgasm. Not extremely close, but getting there.

I am clawing at the bed and His pillow. I am spinning from every sensation as I was extremely sensitive. And then I say it. I say, "Please Master." That was all it took. He slammed against me to the point where I damn near slipped out of position. His nails are digging into my hip. His head is thrown back, His teeth tightly together, He growls, He bucks His hips (much like He did last night actually). His orgasm seemed so long. I felt every single pulse of His cock as He rewards me with His cum. When He was done He fell forward over me, breathing hard and I could feel His heart pounding as His chest rested on my ribs. When He moved and sat next to me His breathing was still labored and His eyes are not entirely focused. He told me that the base of His spine was tingling. His toes were actually still curled.

I rested my head on His thigh and He pets me gently. I close my eyes and couldn't help but smile as He said, "That's my good girl. My good, good slave."

June 11, 2011

Understanding

I got up not that long ago and I have a while before I am supposed to wake up Master, so I thought I would do a quick post. Last night shortly after I did my blog post Master and I sat down and relaxed. All of the electronics were either off or being ignored. We were simply sitting there and talking.

He hadn't read my blog post yet and so I told Him that I wanted to tell Him something. I said that I didn't want Him reading it first here. So I told Him about the things Dr. L said He could do to help. He said that He liked the fact that there were steps He could take to help. If one didn't work He had another option. I think that comforted Him in a way.

And then I started to do what I have done quite a bit since learning that I am bipolar. I started to apologize to Him about how last Sunday ended. He stopped me shortly into my apology. He said that I don't have to apologize for such things. He knows and understands that my medication is not a "cure". He also understands that I can not fully control my mood swings. He said that I shouldn't apologize for something that is out of control. But He is glad that there are things He can do to help me come out of the sudden depressive state rather than Him sitting there not sure what to do and in a way feeling helpless in the situation. I told Him that I was glad as well.

It's amazing how supportive He is. I mean, I know He is my Husband, my Master, my mate.. but I know that not all husbands are that supportive and not all Masters are either. It's not necessarily a requirement so to speak. He has always been my rock. The one constant thing in my life that I have always been able to focus on, to lean on. And He takes it all. He never complains about it. It doesn't matter how much I lean into Him, He takes the weight and He doesn't complain about it. He encourages me to talk to Him. He wants to know exactly where I am on a mental as well as physical level.

I am the same way. I support Him, I encourage Him to talk about whatever is on His mind. He can lean on me as much as He needs to and I don't complain. Even though I am bipolar and some people may see that as a weakness or an inability to be leaned on, I need Him to do that. This marriage and dynamic is a two way street. We bother focus on either other so much that some may call it obsessive.

But both of us have been knocked down, kicked at our lowest points in the past and we keep getting back up. Back then though we had to get up on our own. There was no crutch, there was no supportive hand reaching out to help us get to our feet. So now that we do have that it is the most wonderful feeling in the world.

June 10, 2011

More Tweaking

Not that long ago I posted about how I had called Dr. L and the result of the conversation was having me taking 1 1/2 pills to get me through until our next appointment where we could discuss everything at length.

Today was my appointment with Dr. L. When I got out of work I was hyper, actually a bit more than hyper. I was on the low end of a manic phase. Master picked me up from work. He immediately noticed that I was really active physically and mentally. I was commenting on everything, I couldn't sit still for long. I was talking His ear off.

He took me home and I had about an hour to relax before I had to head back out. I made it to my appointment barely on time. I was taking my normal route when I noticed that traffic was really backed up. I just figured it was busy since it's almost rush hour. But as I inched closed I realized that the street was closed due to an accident. Fuck.

So I make a quick decision to turn left on a road I am not familiar with at all. But I knew that if I just kept going I would eventually hit a road I am familiar with. Eventually I did and turned right. I took that down to another road I knew well and ended up where I needed to be in order to get to me appointment. The appointment was at 3:15pm and I got there at 3:13pm. Not bad for needing to figure out an alternate route at the last minute.

Dr. L called me back and I told him about my very sudden melt down last Sunday night. I told him how it had scared me and it had scared my Husband. I also told him how I was feeling this morning/early afternoon. He asked how I felt right there and then. I told him I felt fidgety. He nodded his head and told me that he is upping my meds to 300 milligrams a day. So I am to take two 150 milligram pills a night. The pills taste nasty as hell, but I don't get any side effects from it what so ever and I like that. And I trust Dr. L a lot. He is the first shrink in my life that I have trusted. I saw a few of them when I was a teen. They never listened to me and only wanted to over medicate me to the point of zombie mode. Dr. L doesn't want to do that.

He did say that I should come back in early August for a check-in. I made the appointment before I left. I also asked him if there was anything my Husband could do to help me through those sudden drops. He said that Master sending me to the bedroom was actually a good idea. (He doesn't know of our dynamic but I told him that Master didn't know what else to do and He was trying to help.) He said that is one way of dealing with the sudden down shift because I feel "safe" in our bed and it was dark. He said the other thing Master could try to do is to hold me tightly and talk softly to try and calm me down.

That may sound odd, but when I get like that if I'm sitting down I pull my knees up to my chest, hold my legs and alternate between rubbing my head or laying my forehead on my knees. So Dr. L said that it may work better if Master is the one holding me tight and either rocking me a little or rub my back or hair. He said that since Master and I have a strong bond and I feel safer when He is around (information I have freely admitted to him because I felt it was important) maybe I'll be able to come out of it quicker if I am basically wrapped up tightly to Him and try to breathe slowly.

I haven't told that part to Master yet because as soon as I got home from the pharmacist I had to run back out, we ate dinner, and then I crashed out on the couch. I'll be telling Him when He gets back. He's currently running to the gas station.

I'm glad that Dr. L told me that. And I'm also glad that he doesn't find it weird that I am so "dependent" on Master. He said it is important that Master is so supportive. He said not all marriages are like that and he's glad I have someone to lean on. Dr. L is awesome.

As far as my meds go if the 300 milligrams don't do the trick he will need to see me a bit more often to see if he should just up the dosage or add another medication in addition to what I am already taking. I'm hoping the 300 is enough. He did say to give it at least a week since it is something that has to build in my system.

June 9, 2011

Blog Changes

Some of my readers who have been following me for a while may notice some changes. Namely the fact that I have deleted several tabs from the top, the picture gallery being one of them. The reason for this is because Word Press has altered the comment box. When you go to leave a comment on my blog you have the following options:

  • Guest

  • Word Press login

  • Twitter login

  • Facebook login


Three out of the four I don't have a problem with. Guest, Word Press and Twitter.. fine whatever. But Facebook? Um no thank you. Facebook is one of those "social" websites that basically logs your every damn move as long as you give a website access to your Facebook login, displaying it to who ever happens to be looking at your profile. I can't get rid of that though. It went Word Press wide, it was not a choice. Just BOOM! here ya go. And I have tried very hard to keep my "normal" life and my blog separate. It's worked so far. So I'm not going to allow an update to fuck with that.

So.. to be safe and careful Master and I felt that we should take some things off the blog. The blog of course will remain up and running and it will remain here on Word Press. Minus some things (like this new update) I love Word Press. It's organized and pretty damn customizable. So oh well. No more pictures. At least not on the blog.. that does not mean Master will stop taking pictures... *laughs*. And we'll still post pictures of toys we review because that's a whole different thing to us.

You may think we're paranoid but we just feel better this way. At least for now. We are free to change our minds ya know. ;-)

June 8, 2011

Tan Lines

I've honestly never understood why people do spray on tans or do the fake tans. Especially in the middle of winter. What. The. Fuck. Bitch we know you weren't on vacation and it's only 20 degrees out and cloudy. There is no way you got that tan naturally. I just do not like the idea of laying in a tanning bed. Then again I'm claustrophobic. That may have something to do with it. Spray on tans to me are just stupid. Your skin should not be airbrushed. As far as that self tanning lotion? Ew. You are orange. Orange is not a natural skin tone. You look like an oompa loompa. Dye your hair green, throw on white overalls and the look will be complete.

For as long as I can remember though Master has hinted that He would love to see tan lines on me. I have not owned a bathing suit in the entire 8 years that we have been together. The only time we were in a pool is on our honeymoon. And who the hell wears a bathing suit when you have an in-suite pool?! Not us.

So like I said, I don't like fake tans regardless of how they are done. Natural tanning makes more sense to me. And I don't have to pay for it. But if the tanning bed session was cheap enough I may consider it. I don't know. It would depend on what Master wanted.

So yeah, I'm thinking about buying a bathing suit. Not for swimming or anything. Strictly for tanning. So I would want to get a "sexy" one. Since I would only be wearing it while I was tanning it wouldn't really matter. Either I'm in a tanning booth and no one would see me. Or I'd get a lay down lawn chair and tan on our back porch. We have a little privacy back there. I can't do it on the front porch because I wouldn't be able to relax. I would hear nothing but drunk neighbors, little brats running around screaming their heads off while their parents are no where to be seen, and the people who seem to come twice a week to do the lawn. Blah. That does not sound relaxing at all. If I'm going to tan I want to be able to relax.

Why Master specifically wants tan lines I don't know. Well, I kind of do. He said it would be like I was wearing clothes, but I wouldn't be. I guess that makes sense. He just says He would find it sexy. So I figure that since the summer weather is finally here I should think about it a bit more. Why I haven't done it in the past 8 years I'm not sure. I've never really been a tanning type person. I didn't do it when I was a teenager either. I just was outside a lot so I got a tan just from riding my bike or walking around with my friends.

But I want to do this for Master. So I guess I'll be looking into swimming suits so I can tan outside, or find a really cheap tanning bed place. Whichever Master would prefer. At least if I do it outside on our back porch I would only have to pay for the bathing suit and the lay down lawn chair. And I could do it whenever I want, rather than having to make an appointment and keep going back, basically wasting money.

I haven't brought this up to Master yet. Honestly it just hit me as I sat down to do my daily blog post. But I'm sure He'll let me know how He feels on the subject once He reads this.

June 7, 2011

Just What I Needed

Last night it was right before my bedtime when Master had me kneel at His feet while He was on the computer. I did as I was told. When He was done on the computer I was honestly thinking He would tell me it was time for me to sleep.

But He had other thing in mind.

He ordered me to the bedroom. He had me start off by using my mouth to please Him. When my jaw started to hurt I pulled back and He reached down and arranged me so that I was on all fours. He forced His cock inside of me and fucked me very roughly. He kept switching things up. Having me kneel up, having me go back to being all fours, back up onto my knees and then bowed down with my ass in the air.

He also alternated in how He chose to hurt me. He dug His teeth into my shoulder, dug His nails into my hips, raked His nails across my back. It was all very delicious. He had me cum over and over again. I was honestly getting to the point where I couldn't really make sound anymore. In fact I was squeaking. Which is honestly kind of embarrassing to admit to. However it seemed to turn Him on more. He pinned me to the bed before having me lay on my stomach. Once He got me down there He pulled one of my arms up and put my wrist through the rope restraints that are drilled into the headboard. He quickly secured that wrist and then did the same thing to the other one. He tucked His feet under my thighs and forced my legs apart. I could feel His sweat dripping onto me as He slammed into me, making my pussy hurt.

I begged for His cum and was denied. He told me that He still wanted to play with His toy. I was no longer allowed to cum. When He starts calling me His toy or His fuck toy that means I'm no longer allowed to get off. He continued to abuse me with His thick dick until I felt that familiar feeling of Him about to get off. So I begged again for His cum, telling Him how much I needed it. He filled me and immediately dismounted and laid down on the bed next to me. I thanked Him over and over again, telling Him that was just what I needed. He had me clean Him off, then He scented me.

We went out into the living room and He allowed me to sleep on the couch until He was ready to go to bed. It was a very satisfying night.

June 6, 2011

Structure

There is one thing about our dynamic that really helps me with my bipolar disorder. Structure. Knowing how things work, knowing exactly what my role is within our marriage, within my life at home. It's very comforting.

That's why last night confused the hell out of me. Master and I had a wonderful weekend. We fucked, we laughed, we sat up and talked until four in the morning on Saturday. It was just.. perfect. Master had me kneeling, we cuddled, He sat on the couch with me. He had me sit at His feet while He sat in His recliner. It was very comforting, exactly what I needed.

Then last night it was like a light switch was flipped inside my head. It happened around midnight. I wasn't tired so Master allowed me to stay up a bit. I was fine. I was laying on the couch and then suddenly my brain started running a million miles per hour. I couldn't focus on any one thing. I just figured I was going into a manic phase. But no. I went from happy and enjoying the weekend to bawling on the couch in two minutes flat. It scared me. It scared Master. He came and sat on the couch with me and tried to get me to tell Him what was wrong. I told Him that it was finances. Our financial situation has been tight for quite a while now. But I've been handling it better and not breaking down so easily. Part of it is due to the medication and the other part is that Master and I have been focusing more on our dynamic and our roles within it rather than focusing on the stresses in our life. It's been working. But last night I just could not stop crying.

He told me He isn't sure how to react with such a thing happens. He doesn't know how to help. And I understand that. I mean I was basically sitting in a very tight almost curled up position and running my hands through my hair. I was out of control. I couldn't get myself balanced or centered. He tried getting me to talk but I was crying so hard that I couldn't really speak. When I cry like that it's like my throat closes up and I can get words out.  And when I can it's broken and I can't form whole sentences because the words come out in between sobs.

Eventually after Master not knowing how to react and me not knowing how to get past it He ordered me to the bedroom. The bedroom is dark, and He knows that it makes me feel safe because it's our bed. Our own little place that no one but us goes into in our apartment. When it happened I felt hurt. I didn't realize that He was trying to get me to calm down the only way He knew how right there and then. I fell asleep somewhere between 1 and 1:30 am.

Today I woke up and I felt fine. I was a little out of it. But I didn't feel like crying at all. I was very confused. Master had left a message for me to read when I woke. He told me He was worried and scared. I haven't had that bad of a breakdown in a long time. I would say since I've been on 100 milligrams. I'm currently taking 225 milligrams. I didn't call Dr. L. I see him on Friday. So I'm going to talk to him about it then.

While I was at work I had more than enough free time so I ended up writing Master a three page letter. I went into how I'm tired of putting Him through all of this, not to mention myself. I just wanted to be stabilized. I want to be centered. So hopefully soon we can find the right dosage of medicine that won't allow me to completely break down or go all the way to the other extreme where I can't sit still and I can't keep my mind focused on any one thing because I'm in a manic phase.

Today when I got home from work I was very docile. It seems to always be my reaction when I've had an "episode". I become docile and just want/need our dynamic in full force. So I wanted to do my blog post earlier today than usual to kind of help with that. It seems to be. I am feeling better already. Funny how just doing a blog post can do that, simply because I know it is required of me because I am His slave. I hope Friday gets here soon so I can talk to Dr. L.

June 5, 2011

Up All Night, Sleep All Day

Yes, that title was very 80's of me. I know. But it almost fits our evening/day. Last night Master and I watched Netflix after dinner and just kind of chilled. I had knocked out my shower and blog post rather early so that we could enjoy the rest of the night. On Saturday nights Master doesn't enforce my bedtime. Sometimes He'll hint that maybe I should go to bed because I look really tired, but for the most part I just go to bed when He does.

We got tired of watching stuff and Master didn't really want to play video games. So we decided to just sit up and talk. Master sat on the couch with me to stretch out His back. When He did that it was about 11pm. We talked about our family and friends and some of the dumb shit they are doing. We talked about shit from our past relationships. The shit that pissed us off or we didn't understand. I forget how we got onto that particular topic, but neither of us got upset or jealous or anything like that. We were just talking. The conversation eventually turned into our sex life and dynamic. We were trying to think of new things we'd like to do but after 8 years you really have to look through the "catalog" of things you've already done. We were left scratching our heads except for things that we won't be able to do until we own a home rather than renting and/or have the finances to purchase some things we want.

We are pretty damn creative and there are variations of things we already do/have done that we want to try, but that's all we came up with for now. Master did say He wants more foreplay on my part and I promised to do more. That was really His only "complaint" and it wasn't even really a complaint.

When we got to our dynamic  I told Him that I need a tighter leash a bit more often. Don't get me wrong He's strict, but He doesn't really do the random "kneel bitch" snap and point that He used to, and other things of that nature.

Before we knew it, we started to notice that the sky was getting lighter. We glanced at the clock and it was 4am. We had done nothing but sit on the couch and talk for 5 straight hours. We haven't done that in a long time. I loved it. Master said we should get some sleep. So off to the bedroom we went.

We curled up and passed out. Master woke me up at 8am because the dog was bothering Him because he needed to go outside. Master normally takes the dog on the weekends but His back has really been bothering Him, so He asked if I would do it. I got out of bed, threw on one of Master's shirts and a pair of pajama pants and took the dog outside. When we got back in I went back to bed. I figured fuck it, I hadn't gone to bed until 4am and it was a Sunday, so I could get a little more sleep. Next thing I know Master is waking me up saying it's noon. Whoops.

Master was laying next to me on His back. I cuddled up to Him and then reached down and played with His cock. I did that for quite some time before He said that I should get on top. It's been a while since I've been on top. No real reason, just... didn't happen. I had bed hair, I hadn't brushed my teeth yet but He wanted to fuck me. Apparently He thinks I'm attractive even first thing in the "morning". I rode Him hard and fast. I had a few orgasms that just seemed to go on and on and on. As Master got closer to filling me I started talking dirty and when He came I could feel every pulse of His cock and how warm He felt inside of me. I rolled off of Him and we were both breathing heavy and grinning.

The rest of the day has basically been us just relaxing and taking it easy. No errands or anything of that nature. Just being lazy at home and loving it.

June 4, 2011

Long Time No See

Yesterday our friend ST took a long train ride and then hopped on a bus to come to our neck of the woods. He wanted to visit with us first and then go visit the family he has in the area. He got to our place around 4pm. I got home around 5:30pm. He had us go to Game Stop and he bought Master a video game for His upcoming birthday (which, remember, does not exist according to Master). From there we came home, ate dinner and played video games. We all took turns whooping each others asses in Soul Calibur 4. But then Master and ST played Marvel vs Capcom 3. I bowed out at that point because that game is not really my cup of tea. So I chilled and watched on and off while playing on the computer.

We talked quite a bit. We haven't seen him in more than 6 months, so there was a lot to catch up on. We told him about Master's family, BC and HG and that clusterfuck.

He told us how it's going with him, although he didn't have a lot to update us on. He's single right now and lonely. He has been looking for a boyfriend and we wished him luck on that. His last relationship ended badly and that was about two years ago. His last boyfriend was an alcoholic and according to ST got physically violent a few times when is when ST decided enough was enough. We aren't sure if that last part is true. His boyfriend might have just pushed him back when ST got in his face and since ST is such a drama queen he can weave that into a full on beating. And quite honestly he really likes attention, and sympathy is one of his favorites forms of attention. So he's quite dramatic.

But that's ST. Master and I have known that about him for a long time so when something just doesn't add up we just leave it alone and change the subject.

He left at about 10pm to go to his cousin's house to crash out. He's in town until late Sunday but I don't think he'll visit with us again only because there are a lot of people he wants to touch base with. But at least we got to see him for a while.

June 2, 2011

Tweaking the Meds

At my last shrink appointment (yes I call him my shrink) my medication doses were upped by 50 milligrams. It doesn't sound like a lot, and it wasn't really because I was already on the lowest "full" dose. So adding 50 milligrams wasn't much at all. But Dr. L wants to take is slow to see what is going to work the best for me instead of going as high as we can. I like that about him, even though it takes trial and error to do so. It's better than being over medicated in my opinion.

Well today I started feeling... down. Not depressed, but down. Master said I seemed vacant. That's actually a pretty good word for it. I was stressing out and as a result, instead of dealing with it I was shutting my mind down. While shutting my mind down I lose my personality, my sense of humor, etc. I can still function. I can still do my job just fine.. but everything else is pretty much gone. I believe it is some kind of self defense mechanism. It is my way of dealing with it without dealing with it, if that makes any sense. I pretty much become numb. Numb is not healthy.

Master said He was worried and I understood that. My next appointment with Dr. L is next Friday. Well I didn't want to wait that long to tell him. So I called his office and played phone tag with him for a little while until finally he called me back and I was actually at my desk. I explained to him what was going on and how I don't think my current dosage of 150 milligrams is enough. When my medication dosage is changed it works great for a little while because it is more than what my body/mind is used to. It's one of those drugs that has to be constant because it builds in your system, it's not an instant reaction. So this is where the tweaking comes in.

Dr. L asked if I still had some pills left. I said that yes I do. So he told me to take 1 full pill then cut another in half and take half of that pill. So basically I'd be taking 225 milligrams per day. I said I would do that. He said we'd talk more about it at my next appointment. Thankfully that's only 8 days away. But the fact that he was willing to help me right away by being creative about it was really comforting. He's a great shrink. I really like him.

Thankfully I have just enough pills to make that work. I'll run out exactly on the day of my appointment, at which time I should get a new prescription. So the timing works out perfectly. I would hate to have to refill the current prescription just to turn around and get a new prescription three days later. That would be a waste of a copay.

So hopefully this will work and be the right dosage. I won't know until I talk at length with Dr. L and see what he has to say about it. I'm just glad that I honestly don't have a problem talking to my shrink about my problems openly. I'm not embarrassed about it. I don't feel weak because I have to ask for help. And I'm glad that Master encourages such. He doesn't want me any more crazy than I have to be. ;-)

June 1, 2011

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!

I don't know why but last night after my blog post and all that I laid down on the couch, watched Master play His video games and passed out. Not normally a big deal. Normally I just nap for a little bit and then I'm fine.

Oh no, not last night. Master woke me up at 10pm to take care of the rabbits while He took care of the dog. I took care of the rabbits, came back out to the living room, laid back down on the couch, said a few things to Master as He walked back in with the dog and fell back asleep. I didn't get up again until Master was ready to go to bed.

I woke up, went to the bathroom, crawled into bed, set the alarm clock and passed out once more until my alarm went off this morning at 6am.

The fuck?!

I haven't had a severe decline in energy levels like that in months.

When I woke up this morning and realized exactly how much sleep I had it bothered me a bit. I wasn't sick. (Which normally knocks me on my tail anyway because I hardly ever get sick) I wasn't depressed. I wasn't sleep deprived. So what the fuck? I mean, I was a bit down after the dentist appointment because the options weren't quite what I was hoping they would be, but I wasn't depressed. And being down doesn't affect me like that.

It must have had Master concerned as well because when I got up this morning there was a note from Him asking if I was okay. I assured Him that I am fine and that I have no idea why that happened last night. I honestly felt bad though because that time between getting out of work and my bedtime is really the only time during the day I get with Master. And with me sleeping through 85% of that, well... it fucking sucks.

Today my energy levels seem fine. I'm a bit tired because it was a very busy day at work, but that's normal.

So now, I'm off to spend time with my Daddy.