Figure Out Something

Master and I have been kind of up and down lately. Well, not us as in a couple. But us as individuals. We're either just kind of there, a little down, or irritable. Yes, it is broken up by pockets where we are joking around and laughing with one another. But it is obviously getting to both of us. As a result Master told me today that we have to figure out something to do with just the two of us. Just leave the house and not come back for a little while. We have ran a couple of errands recently but it was only for about a half hour, tops. And that is including drive time.

It is like cabin fever is already setting in and it's only the middle of December. I honestly think that everything going on in our families is not helping. Both my side and His. Granted it's only one or two select people on each side, but it's enough to fuck with our zen.

What we're going to do I have no idea. We'll figure something out. But with our not having a lot of money it limits our options. *shrugs*

I feel kind of cuddly today. Cuddly and affectionate. Honestly that isn't unlike me. But it is kicked up a notch today. Not necessarily all day. It pretty much got kicked up to this level about two hours ago. But I'm also sore, so yeah.

Anyway....

There hasn't been a lot going on. In general. There isn't a lot going on here at home. There isn't a lot going on with anyone. And there isn't a lot going on in our dynamic. Not due to any reason in particular. Right now it's just the normal stuff. Nothing really of note. I'm not complaining, I'm just explaining why I haven't really written about it.

On A Date

I asked Master if I could do tomorrow's post early. It's only 11pm here right now. I could just wait to do it tomorrow but I wanted to do it now. I'm glad that He is allowing me to do so.

Today Master and I had some fun. It has honestly been quite some time since we went on anything that could really be considered a date. But we got some Christmas money early from one of my family members. When it comes to things like that we spend it as if we don't need it for anything else. It's what I call "fun money". It's just something to use to splurge. And this time we splurged by going on a date and buying a few things.

First we went to the store and looked at DVDs because we wanted a movie to watch for tonight. Our original thought was to go to the actual movies but decided against it. There isn't anything we absolutely positively had to see. So why waste it when we can spend just as much, if not less, by buying a DVD and watch it whenever we want.

We found Sin City 2. We loved the first movie and had wanted to see the sequel. We just never saw it at a good price. Now we did. We snatched that up in a heart beat. We had walked around the store a bit before picking out the movie to see if I could find a new winter hat and to see if we could find Master new winter gloves. But I didn't find any hats I liked and Master didn't find any gloves He liked for a price He was willing to pay. *shrugs* Oh well.

After that we went out to Applebees. Master and I love that restaurant although we hadn't been to the one down here yet. Normally we only went to one in order to meet up with family. But not this time. This time it was just the two of us. A date. We've gone to a Denny's by ourselves not all that long ago but Applebees is so much better.

I had such a good time. It was wonderful. We joked around and laughed a lot. Whenever we go to an Applebees I always get a strawberry lemonade. It is so yummy. But this time it was even better. Apparently they make different down here. Rather than just making a lemonade and then putting some strawberry syrup type stuff in it they made a lemonade and then put real sliced up strawberries in it. It was so good. Everything just seemed wonderful. The mozzarella sticks and our burgers were perfect. They didn't water down Master's Jack & Coke. In fact it was pretty strong. (It was a double.) Our server was extremely fast and very friendly. We tipped her a lot more than we usually tip a server, even if they are good. Like I said everything just seemed so wonderful in that little pocket of time. No worries. We didn't talk about anything stressful. We just focused on us and having a good time.

After that Master and I went to a game store. He picked out a video game set that He wanted. Then we went home.

The weather outside sucked. It was cold. But I was in such a good mood that I didn't care. I'm still in a really good mood. I had taken a short nap when we got home but after I woke up we watched Sin City 2 and it was actually pretty damn good. I personally don't think it was as good as the first one but it was still a kick ass movie.

Now we are just sitting here relaxing. Each of us on our own computers while still talking to one another. *smiles*

It's Here!

I was starting to get impatient. A little while ago Master had lost His wedding ring. It wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened. We looked for it repeatedly but had no luck. Even after the new one was ordered we looked again. Nope. Apparently it flew off into some pocket universe. The reason why I was getting impatient is because well, Master had been walking around without a wedding ring on. It may not sound like that big of a deal, but it is important to both of us to have our wedding rings on.

I had received an e-mail from the company stating that it would be mailed between the 20th and the 21st. On the 22nd I received an e-mail stating that it had been shipped on the 21st.

It got here yesterday! I was very excited. I quickly opened the package and there it was!

Master didn't know why I was so excited because He didn't even know the mail had gotten there already.

But once He knew He smiled. I put it on His finger and gave Him a kiss. Done.

I know that some people would want a little bit more done than that. But to me putting it on His finger and getting a kiss from Him was enough. After that we went about our day like usual.

I am just very happy that it got here and there wasn't anything wrong with it. You never know. Especially when you ordered engraving to be done on it as well, which I did. Thankfully it is just like the original. He told me that He feels much better with it on. His finger felt and looked naked without it. After all, He's had it on His finger since 2007. I can only imagine how weird that would have felt. Not that I want to find out. No fucking thank you.

I'm also really happy that we resized His finger before ordering the new ring. It fits perfectly.

Duplicate

Yesterday Master and I were helping my mother trim a tree. Well, actually they are about three or four trees that were planted so close together that they started growing basically into one tree. It took a little while because we were trying to figure our which part of the tree(s) were alive and which were dead. My mom wanted a specific portion of the tree taken off so that there wouldn't be so much overhang on the driveway but she also wanted to keep as much of the healthy part of it as she could. Thankfully we were able to figure it out eventually.

Anyway after we were done trimming it we started dragging the branches, some of which were rather large, and throwing them into a field behind my mother's house. Master was handling most of the larger branches.

Master was out back throwing away one of the larger branches and I was up where the tree was picking up twigs. I heard Him call my name and I looked over wondering what was up. I started walking over there and I asked Him what was wrong. He looked upset.

He lost His wedding ring.

He was throwing away one of the branches and as He flipped His hand back to let go of the branch the ring went flying.

I was immediately upset and frantic. We searched everywhere. My mother came over to help us look. She even had a metal detector so we used that as well! Nothing. The only thing the metal detector found was the barbed wire fence and some pipes. That's it. We made sure it would pick up the ring. They are titanium so I took mine off, placed it gently on the ground, and waved it over my ring. It worked.

We have no idea where it went. We tried over and over again. Later that night we brought out flashlights to see if the light would glimmer off the ring. Nope.

All told my Master and I searched for it six or seven times yesterday. My mother searched out there by herself twice. And then Master and I tried again twice today. It's almost like it flew off His finger and landed in a pocket dimension.

Well, Master isn't about to walk around without a wedding ring on. And given all the dense bushes, bramble, field, mud, and trees back where it flew off His hand I honestly don't think we're going to find it. It really, really sucks. Of course both of us would prefer Him to have the original one that was placed on His finger on our wedding day, but if that is not possible a duplicate will have to do.

So today we got Master's new ring size. We weighed quite a bit more when we got married than He does now. His ring size when we got married was 13.5. It is now 10.5. Holy shit.

As soon as we got back home I went to the website where we ordered the original from and ordered the exact same ring with the exact same inscription. It takes them five business days to make the ring and then they will ship it. I will say that I am glad that we found out His correct ring size. Now hopefully it won't fly off His finger as easily. I can't believe His ring size is three sizes smaller than it was in 2007.

I'm just very grateful that since we had to purchase a replacement that I was able to get the exact same ring. Our rings match so that was important to me and to Him.

Once it comes in the mail I'll slip it onto His finger just like I did with the original. 

Bed -vs- Couch

 Lately I have been having a really hard time sleeping. And the fucked up thing is it's not always just one part of the whole sleeping process. Sometimes I have a really hard time falling asleep, other times I'll pass out right away and wake up on and off all night. Then there are the times where both happen. There have been several times this past month where I have basically just given up and came out to the living room to sleep on the couch simply so I don't keep tossing and turning and keeping Master up. A couple of those times it was because I couldn't breathe through my nose and needed my head to be propped up more. It really sucks regardless of the reason though.

When most people hear that one of the spouses are sleeping on the couch instead of in bed next to their loved one the immediate thought is that there is trouble in paradise. But that is not the case here. Not at all.

And I know that Master isn't really pleased with my sleeping on the couch. He knows it's not because of anything within our relationship. It's just stress, restlessness, pain, and/or allergies. And it all seems to be coming one after another after another.

I'm not making excuses to sleep on the couch, trust me. We both love sleeping next to one another and we always sleep better when the other one is in bed next to us. Hell, there have been times in the past where Master was going to be up really late and so rather than go to bed alone I asked if I could sleep on the couch until He went to bed. He didn't always allow it but I only wanted it because He wasn't going to be in bed with me.

But here it is almost 4am and I'm still awake. Master went off to bed not that long ago. I just didn't want a repeat of last night. Last night I went to bed when Master did, which was about 3am. But I didn't fall asleep until 5:30am. I just couldn't get comfortable. I would try to lay still in one position and attempt to force myself to sleep but it wouldn't work. So I started tossing and turning for that entire time. I was worried about keeping Master up and almost considered sleeping on the couch so I wouldn't wake Him. But my mind turned to His disappointment the last time and so I stayed in bed. I only got about four hours of sleep and even that was broken. I had a really long day today and so I ended up taking about an hour nap on the couch this evening. I don't know if that has to do anything with my not being tired right now. But I really needed that nap. I had taken my bath right before hand and had soaked for a while. I actually felt like I was going to nod off right there in the tub, so I thought napping on the couch would be better. Less of a risk of drowning and all that.

Master has been incredibly understanding. My brain has been mush most of the month. There are just a lot of things going on and nothing to really do about any of it. When I'm stressed out my body gets wired to the point of it driving me nuts and then the next thing I know I'm crashing and nod off. Or stress will make me feel tired all damn day but then when it comes time for me to actually sleep I'm suddenly wide awake. Thank you very much body. It also doesn't help that my fibromyalgia kicks into high gear when I'm stressed which can also make it difficult to sleep sometimes. It also doesn't help that my period started today and the first day or two are always the worst which isn't exactly helping. Mood wise I think I'm fine, but it is not doing my lower back any favors.

I'm just.. tired of being tired I guess. I want at least one night where I go to bed when Master does and I fall asleep easily and stay asleep all night. I think I'm pushing my luck on that hope though. I don't want to sleep on the couch because of this. I want to sleep a full normal night next to my Husband in our bed.

I told Master that I might go soak in the tub again tonight before I come to bed. Maybe the hot water will make me sleepy and I'll be able to pass out quickly once I climb into bed next to Him. I haven't made up my mind on that yet though.

Expensive Glass

Three women in my department are getting married in August, which is odd. I mean all in the same month? *shrugs*

And of course today is the Hallmark holiday that is Valentine's Day. I've never cared about it. And I'm not being one of those, "Oh I don't really care, but if you don't give me anything or do something special I'll be pissed off." types. When I say I don't care about it, I really do not care. But the other women in my department at work obviously do. They were all getting flowers and comparing them, of course. Which then led to them comparing engagement rings. And of course one of them had a bigger rock on it then the other two and immediately you could see the other two become jealous.

I'm not materialistic. I never have been and I don't see how I would ever become so. Also, when Master posted something on a social media site that was rather funny and had to deal with the whole diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is a man's best friend type thing. I of course don't feel that way and He knows it but it was all in good fun. And I forgot exactly how it was phrased, and I don't feel like looking it up, there was a comment about women and diamonds and how it's true they are a girl's best friend. Blah. Blah. Blah.

So I commented on how I hate diamonds. And I'm not kidding when I say that. I'm not knocking anyone who does like them. I honestly don't care.

But I commented about how they look like glass and so to me a diamond is basically a very, very expensive piece of glass. I know it's not actually glass. I'm not an idiot. I'm just saying that's how I view them.

Plus if I have a rock on my finger I would want something with character to it. Something beautiful and different. An onyx immediately comes to mind. I love onyx. Another would be a blood stone. Those are gorgeous. Like I said, something different.

No, this is not a hint that I want Master to get me one. I'm simply saying that such things make more sense to me than a diamond.

Work It Out

I have never understood why people give up so easily on a relationship. I understand that some people just end up with the wrong people and it has to end. I'm talking more about people who have been together for quite some time and just don't want to put any effort into the relationship. Why did this pop into my head?

Well, yesterday I was at my Dad's. I came home from work and I literally walked in the door, said hi to Master, gave Him a hug, called my dad to make sure it was still okay to come down for a visit and once that was confirmed I headed right back out the door. I hadn't even bothered to take off my hat and jacket when I got home. Master didn't come with as He is still getting over His cold. It's still in that yo-yo phase. Last night He was on a down swing and had a migraine at the same time.

It is very rare that I visit my dad by myself. Master and my father get along like best friends when they are around one another. It's not like it's uncomfortable to be around my dad by myself, because it's not. It's just rare.

Well, while I was down there my dad started talking about his girlfriend and as a result started ragging on my mom a little bit. And really it was only because he was talking about his girlfriend. As I've mentioned before she knew my mom and dad when they were married. It was years and years ago, but still. And she rags on my mom because she had eyes for my father even back then. So I think it stems more from that than anything.

My mom and dad were together for 25 years. That is a long fucking time. I never had that "I want my mommy and daddy together!" I was 17 years old when they got a divorce and I figured that if they didn't want to be together that was that.

I didn't really know a lot about it at the time. I knew that my dad was with another woman immediately. He moved right in with her as soon as the divorce proceedings started. As I got older I found out that my dad had been cheating on my mother for over a year and a half. That's a long, long time. To me that was... fucked up. I mean if you don't want to be married to someone anymore you get a divorce or you try to work it out. Obviously, my dad had chosen divorce. But seriously, a year and a half? Waiting a year and a half to tell my mom that he wanted out is a long time.

I don't hold it against him. He did what he did and he's a grown man. Then he did it again. He was with that woman for a little over 10 years and then cheated on her before telling her it was over. It wasn't as long. From what I understand it was for few a months.

He was with that woman for a little under a year and then they broke up. He didn't cheat on her before hand. He just broke up with her. He was single for a while and now he's in the long distance relationship with his current girlfriend. But I honestly feel like my dad just doesn't try to work things out. When he is done, he's done.

Then there is my mother. She didn't want to divorce my father. She wanted to work things out. She wanted to stay together and go to counseling. But my dad wasn't having it. She wanted that even after finding out he had been cheating for a year and a half. But once she had let go she let go completely.

Now she is with her current husband and they have been married for about 13 years. I think they have been together for 15 years, or very close to that mark. Her current marriage has been through some really tough times. They have been through things that would have broken a lot of marriages but they worked it out. Mom wasn't giving up and she wanted her relationship to work and so it has. Her husband wanted to work it out too obviously and takes two to tango, but it's impressive what they have been able to get through. They did go to a form of marriage counseling. Not official marriage counseling but they went to a priest and had some sessions with him, which honestly seemed to have helped.

Then there is Master and I. We have been together for just shy of 11 years and married for damn near 7 of those. And we have been through a lot of shit that would have easily broken relationships. And I'm not trying to be dramatic. Master would tell you the same thing. But we love one another and we have worked past each and every one of those situations. 

Do I think that just because you love someone you should put up with things that break you or make you feel worthless or make you hate yourself? Hell no. Love isn't a band-aid you can throw on everything. However, I do think, outside of certain breaking points, you should work things out rather than cut and run and not trying anything at all.

Legit

Sometimes stress gets to me more than usual. Today, while I was at work, that happened. Stress just came along and bitch slapped me. Yes, it was legitimate. This wasn't me overreacting.

It happened right before my lunch break. Once I got on my lunch break I messaged back and forth with Master for the majority of my break. He knew I wasn't overreacting. I didn't even have to ask. I knew this one was legit. He kept me calm though. Well, He calmed me down a little anyway. I definitely didn't start off calm. I wasn't freaking out or anything I just wasn't calm. I was pissed off and upset at the same time. I hate that. As if one of them wasn't bad enough there had to be a combo! *sigh*

I told Him that all I wanted to do was come home and curl up on His lap while He sat in His recliner. Things like that make me feel better. Anything with a lot of physical contact. And I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about being held, cuddling, etc. Sometimes a massage will make me jello to the point where I just don't even think for a while, which is nice. Him brushing my hair is soothing as well.

I'm not asking to be spoiled. I'm just saying those are the things that really help.

By the time I got home I had calmed down almost completely. It's not that I don't notice that stress anymore because I do. It's just one of those things where I don't feel overwhelmed by it right now. So when I got home I got a big hug and that's all I really needed.

Young & Not So Dumb

Master has always teased me that He got me young so He could train me early. I was 20 years old when we started dating and He was three months shy of being 28 years old. There are mixed thoughts about our age difference as far as other people are concerned. Not that it matters at all but it is still somewhat interesting. And I'm not strictly referring to our dynamic, although we have received comments about such in the past. So let's start off with the easy stuff. The "normal" relationship that everyone sees. No one in my family has a problem with the age difference. I think my dad, when he first found out, was actually pretty happy about it. I think he felt that because Master is older He can protect me better. And that is something my father is all about. Someone being able to back me up and if need be take over. Basically whatever it takes to make sure I'm safe, happy, and healthy.

My mother never really commented on it. Neither did my brother. In fact sometimes my brother completely forgets the fact that Master is older than me. My grandfather has made comments about it but they are all  little jokes here and there and are just poking fun at us. We don't get offended by it and find it funny.

Master's dad has absolutely no problem with it. Apparently he has a similar age difference in his current marriage. His brother and sisters don't even blink at it and neither does His sister-in-law.

His mother had a problem with it at first. She really did. She thought I was going to leave Him when He got "too old" as she put it. But now? She doesn't say anything about it because her current husband is younger than her. Not as much of an age gap mind you but it's there.

Our friends, past and present, have always kind of looked at Master with a mental high five. I'm not saying that based on looks or anything like that but simply because He has a younger chick on His arm. I've always found it amusing and so has He.

In regards to the dynamic.. to me it makes perfect sense. Both in gender and in age difference, not to mention size. I'm not saying anything against women at all. Not one bit. I just think a male makes more sense as the leader. I'm not knocking anyone or their kink this is just how I see it and it's mainly because I could never see myself submitting to a woman willingly. If Master made me, and He did once, then yeah. Of course. But I wouldn't volunteer for it. I want to know that the orders can be backed physically. That's also where His height really plays into it for me.

I do remember a few times when we actually attempted to get active in the local "scene" as it were. Yeah. It didn't go so well. We tried a few different times at different points in our relationship and each time it fell flat rather quickly. Some of it was just guys trying to convince Master to let them have alone time with me to put me through my paces. That was a good way to piss Him off. He didn't start off hot headed about it. He would decline but each time they wouldn't drop the subject at which point He became more agitated.

There were several people though who basically said I was too young to be a slave. That Master was taking advantage of the fact that I was young and didn't know any better. Know any better than what exactly? They never really said. They accused Him of not allowing me to get old enough to make an educated decision about it. They told Him that He was a cradle robber. Right in front of me. It was bad enough saying that at all but then to act like I wasn't even in the room and to talk about me as if I was a dumb young kid... that really pissed me off.  I may have been young but I wasn't a kid and I sure as fuck wasn't stupid.

Never mind the fact that He didn't drag me kicking and screaming into this. I was as excited about it as He was. I always knew, and still know, that if I really truly wanted this dynamic to end it would end. I've thought that I wanted that in the past, before I was medicated. I would hit one hell of a mood swing and would just want the collar off and want it off immediately. But as soon as it was off I would cry and cry and beg Him to put it back on.

Since being properly medicated, which is for a few years now, I've never once asked for the dynamic to go away. I don't think I ever will. Never say never. I don't want to jinx anything here, so I'll just say I don't see it going that way at any point.

Surprise!

There are certain things that I do that are kind of sneaky. Okay, not kind of. They are totally sneaky. But sometimes it's called for! I have proof!

There aren't many things that I do "behind Master's back" so to speak. I know that makes it sound bad, but it's not. It's always a good thing like a surprise present or something along those lines. This time, it was a present. Now it was kind of for me too but honestly, it was mainly for Him. Yesterday I got my holiday bonus from my job. Honestly, I wasn't sure if we were going to get one this year because the company has claimed that this past year has been a little rough on business. Really? Then why am I constantly busting my ass to try and keep up on my work flow? But that's not the point to this story. The point is that I got one and that it was my half day at work.

Right after I clocked out I sent Master a text to tell Him that I would be running a little late getting home because I had to run a couple of errands. That part was true. There were three things I needed to do before I went home. I held my breath waiting for His response, worried that He would ask me what errands. Sometimes He does that. Thankfully this time He did not ask. I didn't want to lie to Him, so I was glad He didn't ask. He just sent me a text back saying He loves me and to drive safely. It was really icy out so He was a bit worried.

Most of the ice on the main roads were treated with salt so it wasn't that bad. I was still careful though.

Anyway, I dropped off the passenger in my carpool like I do every work day so that doesn't count as an errand. I then stopped at the store to buy soda and a couple of other things. After that I went to the bank to deposit my holiday bonus check. Okay, one more stop. And this is the one I was doing behind His back.

I went to the game store. Ya see, the Xbox 360 we currently had was starting to die on us. The reader had gone completely a few months ago. I think part of that is because we were also using it as a DVD player. But even with that it lasted quite a few years. But since the reader had died I knew other things were going to start breaking on it.

I walked into the game store and immediately went up to the counter. I told them that I needed an Xbox 360 with a 250GB hard drive. That is the largest hard drive they sell. The one on the starting to die Xbox 360 had 175GB. Fuck that, I'm going to top it!

They only had the holiday bundle one. It had the Xbox 360 and two games inside. Tomb Raider and Halo 4. Master doesn't play either of those games. But oh well. The Tomb Raider game was just a little slip of paper with a code on it but the Halo 4 game was actually a physical game. So the dude rings it up and asks me if I want the one year warranty. I asked how much it was and asked for the details on it. It was going to be an extra $30 but it meant that if anything at all went wrong with it, whether it be the system itself, one of the cords.. whatever... all we had to do was bring it back to the store and they would replace it with a brand new one. There was no way I could turn that down. Sure, slap that one year warranty on there. Apparently with the one year warranty you got another game for free. That game was Call of Duty: Ghosts. Another game Master doesn't play but hey it was free.

I'm normally a cheap skate but when I saw the total I didn't even blink. I paid for it and left. This was important. Plus, I had felt so bad when the reader died on the old one because I had literally just bought Him Batman Arkham Origins. (He loves Batman.) So He couldn't even enjoy it anymore.

But back to the story here. I oh so carefully carried the giant bag out to the car. I then opened up the front passenger door of the car. I placed it in the seat and I literally buckled it in with the seat belt. I got a few odd looks from people walking by, let me tell ya. But I didn't want the run the risk of having to brake suddenly or something like that and it sliding all around the car.

When I got home I parked the car and left everything else in the car for the time being. I unbuckled the seat belt and oh so carefully walked it up to the apartment door. I was afraid He was going to be sitting in His recliner and see it right away. But He wasn't. He was sitting the computer chair with His back to me. He said welcome home and all that. I quietly walked over to where He was sitting and put the entire bag in the chair next to Him. (We have two computer chairs side by side at the desk.) He turned His head to look at it, gave me a weird look and raised His eyebrow.

"What is it?"

Of course I was grinning like the cat who ate the canary. "Look in the bag Daddy."

So He does and His eyes got huge. Especially when He saw how big the hard drive is. He kept saying thank you. He was like a giant little kind sitting at the tree on Xmas morning opening presents. The look on His face made me very happy.

Like I said it was partially for me too because we watch Netflix and You Tube on it. But He knew it was mainly for Him. He said, "I'm going to be busy this afternoon!"

Yes, yes He was. He hooked it up to the TV, set it up, and named it. Yes, you can name your system in the console settings. After that was all said and done He installed all of His games to the hard drive so that when He wants to play them all He has to do is have the game in the reader so it can verify He actually owns it but then it stops spinning and just plays it off the hard drive. And now we have a DVD player so that reader should last for a very, very long time since it will barely be used.

He played with it on and off but didn't go hog while on it. He wanted to spend time with me without playing a video game. I was more than ready to just sit reading a book or dicking around online while He played the hell out of His games, but surprisingly that didn't happen.

As for the two physical games that He got for free with the holiday bundle, we will be trading those in to get a game He actually wants. We will hopefully do that today before the weather gets bad since we have a winter storm heading our way starting around 6pm and lasting all day tomorrow.

He told me that I won the wife of the year award. *grins* I'm so happy I could pull this off without Him knowing about it. I don't do it very often, but sometimes I just want to surprise Him.

Coming Up

For some reason I was thinking about our anniversary today. Odd. It's not until March and there was really nothing that triggered it. *shrugs*

We'll be hitting 11 years together and 7 years of marriage. Like I said I have no fucking clue as to why this ran through my head. The past few anniversaries we really haven't been able to do much. Finances and all that.

We don't really want to do much. Well, I take that back. We would love to go back to Sybaris, which is where we went for our honeymoon. But that isn't going to be in the cards this upcoming year either. It could be if we went for like one night, but that doesn't make much sense. It's about a 45 minute drive one way. And it would actually be kind of depressing. For our honeymoon we went for three nights. And it was absolutely wonderful.

Only going there for one night, while it would be fun, would also be somewhat anticlimactic.

That's the funny thing though. My birthday is only three weeks before our anniversary. But I don't really care about my birthday. After all it's not like I can do anything different just because I'm going to turn 31. I appreciate the birthday wishes and I do like at least going out to dinner for it. But our anniversary is much, much more important to me.

I don't want much. A night of going out would suit me just fine. This upcoming year our anniversary will land on a Friday, which is nice. I'll still have to work but at least it isn't in the middle of the week. I'm sure we'll think of something. Maybe we'll finally go down to the restaurant where we had our first date. Every year we say we will but then decide against it because it's not in town. This upcoming year though I don't care. I'll set money aside and we'll go damnit.

Baby Steps

I'm sure all of you, who are regular readers, know that I'm a carpool for work. And he is constantly, and I do mean constantly, complaining about his wife. The funny thing is that he's been with his wife longer than Master and I have been together. However, we've been living together longer and married longer.

Master and I have been together for 10 years, living together for 8 years, and married for 6 years. It's nice two year increments leading up to our marriage. We were both madly in love and we knew where it was going before we starting living together but we still wanted to make sure we could live together for an extended period of time and still stand each other. *laughs* We wanted to baby step it. And here we are, still very much in love.

Now, please keep in mind that I only know so much about the relationship of this guy because he tells me. He has gone through the story so many damn times since I started driving the carpool about two years ago. So, they have been together 15 years, on and off. They only lived together for less than a year before they got married. They have been married for 3 years. Like I said, he talks about it a lot. I do not care. At all. But when you are sitting in a car 45 minutes one way you don't really have a way to get away from it. So I just let him ramble on.

Yesterday came another time where he started bitching about his wife. In the back of my head I honestly think part of the problem with his marriage is that they were on again off again. To me, you can't just total it all up. If you had breaks, regardless of the length of time, you can't start it back up and just total up the years as if you were together the whole time. It's just not how it works in my opinion. I also think another part of their problem is that they only lived together for 6 months before they got married. Again, in my opinion, that isn't long enough to find out if you can live together for an extended period of time. You're still in the "honeymoon" period of living with one another.

Yes, I'm going somewhere with this. So here we go..

Yesterday he started asking about my relationship/marriage in between his complaints of his relationship/marriage. So he would bitch and then ask me a question as if he was comparing the two. No worries, as long as he doesn't get too damn deep about it. He was mainly talking time lines.

So I told him. Master and I have never "broken up". Ever. We had some rough stops. We had some very rough spots. But we stood by one another no matter what it was that we were facing. The point is that we faced it together. Some things happened that would probably tear a lot of relationships into a million pieces and would never be able to be glued back together. The pieces never happened. There were no pieces. Nothing even caused a tear. It worked things kind of thin but that didn't even matter. We came back stronger than ever. The things that we have gone through make us what we are today. So, while we went through some heavy shit, we wouldn't be the couple we are today if they had never happened.

He was actually surprised we never broke up or thought about divorce. I mean his jaw literally dropped. I thought that was fucked up. It was like he thought that wasn't even possible.

So then he asked how long we lived together before we got married. I explained the 2 years and why. He then proceeded to state that they only lived together for 6 months because she was Catholic and as a result felt it was inappropriate to live together prior to being engaged. So apparently they were only engaged for 6 months. Here we go into my opinion again.. that's not long enough. You don't give it time to grow before you throw yourself into a highly serious commitment. Don't get me wrong. Boyfriend and girlfriend is serious. Being engaged is also serious. But when you put that ring on your finger that level of commitment amps up a lot.

Not all marriages work and I totally understand that. Sometimes, at some point, you may fall out of love. Or sometimes you just find out that it was a mistake and should have never gone there in the first place. There are many reasons why a marriage doesn't work and I respect that. But I do think just diving in head first without giving yourself and your partner time to wrap you head around it and thinking it out is a lot of the problem. Especially when the couple hasn't been married for very long and you want out.

Basically what it boiled down to is it seemed like he wished he had worked it much like Master and I had. He thought that if he had done that with wife one of two things would have happened. One, his marriage would be healthier or two, he never would have married her in the first place.

Conversations like this, regardless of who they are with, always make me so grateful that Master and I have the kind of relationship/marriage that we do, and that's with leaving the kink out.

See, that's the other thing. I feel that if a relationship is going to be really strong and long lasting there has to be a leader. Not necessarily a kink based leader, but I do think someone has to take charge. If you have both people trying to take the lead it is just going to cause friction and possibly resentment. And it's only a matter of time before that friction blows up. And then you have to try and fix it after the explosion. You may not be able to fix it or if you do there is going to be a lot of wounds being licked and a lot of duct tape trying to hold it together.

We don't have duct tape. We don't have glue. We have built certain parts back up but the wall was never knocked down.

Romance

Master and I are not big on what I call typical romance. You know... roses, expensive dinners, all that noise.

I never was and never will be one of those girls. It's just how I am. I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that I grew up as a tom boy. *shrugs* That kind of thing has just never appealed to me. I told Master all of this in the beginning. I mean, I didn't really think He was that kind of guy anyway but I just wanted to be straight up about it. I find such things to be a waste of money. You're going to hand me a bunch of dying flowers that you paid for? Um. Yeah, no thanks. As far as expensive dinners go the most expensive I ever want to go to is Applebee's or some place else that is close to that price range. I'm not even kidding. It's food. I do not see the point for paying a lot of money for something I'm going to eat. Never mind I could just spend less and buy it at the grocery store. Fuck that.

I mean it's not all about the food. It's about going out for a night with your significant other. But to me, that doesn't mean you have to go broke doing it.

To me the little things are far more romantic. Like when Master has His trench coat on and it's raining and He lifts up one side so I can hide under it. When He won me that teddy bear at the county fair, that meant a lot more to me than if He had given me flowers. Holding hands while we walk around in public means more to me than all that romantic posturing bullshit.

An image Master showed me made me smile.

They are a little odd. A little different. Yes, they still do have a lot of romantic qualities to them. But they also focus on the small things. Kissing of the hand, holding one another close, a small caress of a hand along the other's jaw line. I also love that they flirt with one another constantly. They have been together a long time and still make those quick comments that mean so much. All of that means so much more than anything He could ever buy me.

My Best Friend

The work day dragged ass. I was blah and sluggish all damn day. I felt that way the entire ride home too. It's dark by the time I get out of work now. Already. It's so depressing. You go to work in the dark and you go home in the dark. The only way you see any sunlight is if you go outside on your lunch break. And that's only if it's not cloudy as hell all day like it was today.

The weird thing is that I'm not even really a sunlight type person. I love it when it's dark. I love it when it's raining and kind of cloudy. I love a strong storm. The difference being that it makes the work day seem so much longer. I only really enjoy these kind of days if I'm at home with Master. I can enjoy it with Him. I can't enjoy it when I'm at work.

So yeah, until I walked into the door tonight I felt very sluggish. But for whatever reason, as soon as I got comfortable I felt a thousand times better. I wasn't sluggish. I wasn't blah. I was in a good mood immediately and it didn't take much time for Master and I to start goofing around while eating dinner and watching Dexter on Netflix.

After a couple of episodes Master told me to go online and do my blog post. So I put in my ear buds, turned some music on, and am now just kind of zoning out. It love that feeling. The ear buds just kind of take over. Master is grooving in the background playing a video game of His. So we're both kind of grooving on our own stuff right now. I love that we can be in the same room and be completely comfortable doing our own thing without feeling like one of us is ignoring the other. I've seen a lot of relationships where as soon as one of them start to do something on their own their boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever immediately think that there is something wrong or they are being ignored. Normally those relationships are pretty new but still.

While the day has sucked ass, my night is going great. Master was kind enough to work on my back even though His shoulder is still really bothering Him. It was very, very sweet of Him.

It's amazing how just being home with Him can make things so much better. I feel better. Whenever I have a rough day I can always relax and decompress when I'm around Him. He is my best friend after all. I know that sounds corny as hell. But He really is. And no it's not just because I don't really have any other friends. As soon as we started dating He was my best friend, and yes I had other friends at the time.

I love Him so much. I love being around Him.

My Focal Point

I was having an iffy day. First, I woke up sad. I don't know why. I think I may have had a bad dream or something. Of course, nine times out of ten I don't remember my nightmares/bad dreams. Hell, I don't remember most of my dreams. I just wake up knowing that I've had one. This morning when I woke up I knew that I had dreamed about something, I just didn't know what. And when I realized that I felt sad I figured it was a bad dream.

I included that in my morning note to Master. I didn't want to wait until I got home to talk about it. He wants constant updates to make sure He knows exactly where I'm at mentally/emotionally. He's been like that since we found I'm bipolar. It's not a bad thing at all. I understand the concern and Him wanting to know so He knows how best to help me, should I need help. I also know it's so He can compare little mental notes He makes.

The feeling of sadness lifted on the way to work. But I was still a little up and down through out the day. I never felt depressed. But I would swing back and forth between feeling fine and then feeling a little down. I wondered if it had anything to do with my period hitting soon. But then I realized that's a little ways off still. So it must just be something that is happening for no apparent reason. It's not like I need a reason to feel off. It just happens sometimes.

I sent Master little text messages through out the day to keep Him updated. I had a couple of stops to make after work. I just couldn't wait until I got home. I just wanted to be near Him. And of course as soon as I was able to relax into the normal nightly routine I started feeling much better.

Master had kept me laughing and we've been joking around just to be silly. Maybe that's all I needed. A little bit of silliness. All work and no play makes Kitten a dull girl after all.

We watched Dexter while we goofed off. Now I'm doing my blog post and listening to songs on Your Tube while wearing my ear buds. I have this damn Rob Zombie song stuck in my head. And it's not really one of his that I love. It's mainly the beat. Isn't it always? And of course to purge it I have to listen to it. And now I'm listening to it for the second time just to make sure. Sometimes just listening to it once doesn't fully get it out, so then I figure listening to it more than once back to back is more likely to be successful. You know, follow the pattern of it looping around in my head.

Anyway, the point is that normally to feel better, since I'm properly medicated, all I need is some good down time silliness with my loving Husband. He is my rock. He is my focal point. And it works. And I love Him for it.

Full Circle

Last night after watching some TV, Master turned it off for a while and we just sat around and talked for a while. I really love just turning off everything and talking to one another about anything and everything. I truly believe that it helps us keep connected rather than just going through the motions of the every day routine. It's not that I don't enjoy anything during the days without that. We have fun, we relax, we do all of that. But those times where we are doing nothing but looking at one another and talking, even if it isn't important, mean a lot to me. And I know He feels the same way. We don't do them every day. It would just become routine if we did that. Which is the exact opposite of what those times are for. We do them rather randomly. Sometimes He'll bring it up, just by turning off the TV and turning to me. Other times I initiate it by asking if we can just chill out and talk for a while. He always says yes. *smiles*

After a little time had passed I wanted to go fool around. He nodded and He picked some things up off the floor so the dog wouldn't knock them over and I met Him back there.

I was laying on my back and He slipped into bed next to me, on His side. He started groping my tits and grinding His cock against me. He took small nips at my chin. He took small little bites of my neck and then moved up, gently keeping His lips in contact with my skin at all times. I instantly melted when He did that. I'm not sure why. It just really touched me in an emotional way. Don't get me wrong, it turned me on a great deal, but ....I don't know. It just touched me on an emotional level. I'm not sure how to describe it, so I'll just leave it at that.

Once He reached my ear He started nibbling on it. Sometimes just putting the cartilage of my ear in between two of His teeth and applying pressure.

He then, very gently, turned me on my side with my back to Him. He moved me a little away from Him so He could slip His hand in between us. He nipped at my shoulder and petted my pussy for a little while. He then grabbed His cock and started rubbing the head against my cunt.

He adjusted me just a little bit more and pushed His thick cock into me. I was more than ready for Him. He bit deep into my shoulder. I gasped but reached back and placed my hand on the back of His head, letting Him quietly know that I wanted Him to keep doing it. And He was more than happy to continue.

He held me to Him with both of His arms as He pumped in and out of me. With my flesh still in His teeth He ordered me to cum. After I had He released my shoulder from His teeth and then, again very gently, adjusted me again. Without His cock every slipping out of me, He put me on my back, with Him still on His side. He placed my legs up and over His. He kept His head very close to mine and continued to hold me. He wasn't pinning me in place. He was just holding me. Again my heart melted. There was a whole different kind of intimacy going on across the board. He was more making love to me than He was fucking me.

And the sensation of my heart melting just grew the more He did. Like I said, His head was right next to me. He took one hand and caressed the side of my face before very gently and lovingly turned my head so I was facing Him. He kissed me ever so lightly on my lips before we both became a little more aggressive with our lips and tongues. Nothing too aggressive. Passionate I think is a better word rather than aggressive.

After we were done He gently put me on my back once again and knelt between my legs. He became rougher. The time for making love had passed and I was not complaining. I felt the pace move and the mood change. Not in a bad way. In an exciting way.

Eventually He put one of my legs over each of His shoulders. As He fucked me in that position I reached down and started massaging His balls. He told me to cum one more time and when He gave me that order He told me that afterwards He wanted to rape me. Not like I had a say in it but it's not like I was complaining either.

He pulled out, grabbed my ankles, and flipped me onto my stomach. He then took my pillow, had me raise up a little bit so He could put the pillow under me. Once it was He grabbed each side of the pillow and tugged at it until my hips were propped up. He used me for His pleasure and when He started to cum I begged for it. I told Him how much I needed it.

When He collapsed next to me I cleaned Him off and once that was done He pulled me close to Him and rested His arm across my upper back. He just held me for a little while.

We don't "make love" often. It's not that neither of us enjoy it. We obviously do. It's just most of the time we both want something rougher than that. But when He makes love to me like that... there are no words to describe how I feel.

And the fact that it was just a natural progressive when He started to flip the switches from complete emotion to emotion mixed with my sub space. Then He naturally progressed into just focusing on my sub space. And once we were done, He held me and went straight back to the emotion part. Full circle.

Frame By Frame

Today was going at a pretty good clip until about 3pm. I went through the whole day, up until then, thinking today would be a piece of cake and in no time flat I'd be able to go home. But then 3pm hit and time slowed way the fuck down.

It was like someone hit the frame by frame button on a remote control. It was ridiculous. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I only had another hour a half before I got the fuck out of there and then I could go home and spend some quality time with my Husband. Also, tomorrow is my half day and for a change we don't have a shit ton of errands to run or anyone to meet up with. The only thing I have to worry about is an oil change at 1pm. That shouldn't take long at all. I even made a point of making an appointment so I wouldn't have to sit there and wait for a bay to open up so they could slide my car in.

I'm so excited about it for some reason. Tomorrow afternoon I mean. After the oil change I just want to come home and be with my Master. Just the two of us. It's been a busy fucking month so just the two of us down time is going to be wonderful.

We don't even really have to do anything in particular. I'm just going to be happy being alone with Him.

But before any of that could happen I had to get through the last hour and a half of this work day. But it was just ticking along. It was like I felt every second going. It was dragging. And of course I had lost a lot of my motivation so I didn't really feel like doing a whole hell of a lot. I mean yes, I did my job, but because I wasn't all gun-ho it was just highly annoying and a little irritating.

I think part of it had to do with the fact that I had two cups of coffee back to back, which I hardly ever do. But I was fighting off a migraine and sometimes just pumping my system with a shit ton of caffeine in a short period of time. And it did the trick this time. But now I was hyper as hell and feeling like I was going frame by mother fucking frame.

I was so happy when I clocked out. The ride home flew by so at least that much. And it's been a great evening at home with Master. We haven't done anything special at all, but I'm greatly enjoying it.

Busy As Hell

This month has been incredibly busy on the weekends. I'm not entirely sure why but it's like everyone wants to get together in October. In fact earlier in the month my brother-in-law and his wife had contacted us asking whether or not we wanted to get together. We fully planned on it but at the time I asked if I could get back to her on it to sort out the details. I just now messaged her asking if we could push it to November.

Then everything snowballed from there. My mom wanted to get together a couple of times this month although one of them was rather unexpected. Then my dad wanted to come up here to go to a Halloween store. Cool no problem. He also wanted us to come down the weekend after in order to help him put up Halloween decorations. Again no problem. My father-in-law wanted to get together as well so we went out to lunch with him, which again was a lot of fun.

Then my mother-in-law contacted Master and wanted to get together as well. Holy shit. It had even been pushed back once because I had gotten sick the night before. We did that yesterday and it actually turned into a generally nice evening. We all dug through old pictures of when Master was growing up because He was looking for a couple of specific pictures of Him and His brother when they were children.

Honestly up until yesterday I had only seen a select few photos of when Master was a child. The rest of the pictures were late teens. I saw a lot last night including when He was a baby. He was adorable by the way. It honestly made the night start on a lighter tone than it normally does and from there it just stayed nice. It is one of the few times where we both walked away going, "Wow... that turned into a decent night." (Yes, that's how rare it is. We are shocked.)

So, basically it has been an all the family all the time type of month. Some of it was unexpected other parts were planned out. 

As a result Master and I haven't had a full weekend to ourselves all month. We've had full days. But not a full weekend.

I think that's affected our sex life. Admittedly there have been a few instances of just one or both of us not feeling well or our bodies were messing with us due to the changes in the weather. But I will say that we just haven't been fucking a lot in general. I do think the fact that we've been so busy plays into it. We feel like we're running all the time so when we finally do get home we just want to melt into the couch and the recliner and chill the fuck out while watching movies and joking around.

Then the next day, if we in fact at least have a full day to ourselves on the weekend, again we mainly chill and goof off. *shrugs* It'll pick back up. It always does.

Snap, Crackle, Pop

There is just so much going on lately. And most of it is stressful as fuck. And there hasn't been much for stress relief.

First my grandfather's doctor has suggested that he move into an assisted living facility. But of course, my grandpa being stubborn as always, basically told him in a very nice way to go fuck himself. My grandfather literally built the house he lives in. He raised his sons there, he lived many happy years with his now deceased wife and he damn well plans on dying there. None of us are going to change his mind and honestly none of us are trying to. His neighbors check in on him constantly, my dad and even my mother call there daily. My uncle goes out there about three times a week. Basically he's as looked after in different ways. We all do the best we can.

Then my mother is having a hard time finding a new doctor that she trusts since her last one retired and the few that she has gone to immediately wanted to change her prescriptions and take her off other ones all together. She has a new appointment with yet another doctor on Wednesday so we'll see how that goes.

My brother is having a hard time getting a hold of the correct dosage of his seizure medication. He gets a discount through the manufacturer since he is extremely low income and does not have health insurance. But they keep fucking up and sending him the wrong dosage. And of course it's not a fuck up where he can either double up or cut a pill in half. It's right smack dab in the middle. It scares me because I'm afraid of him having another seizure.

Shit at my job is still going on. Big surprise I know. And the search for a new job is frustrating. Either it's too far away, it's only part time, they don't pay enough, or they want a degree that I don't have. The biggest one I'm running into is the pay though honestly. I'm willing to take a small pay cut but I can't afford to go down too much.

Master has of course noticed the stress effecting me. I'm still handling it. I'm not freaking out. I'm not having dark thoughts. I'm just stressed. I look tired all of the time. I'm sore all over because I tense up when I'm stressed and that of course causes a flare up with my fibromyalgia.

To try and help, which it does, He has been giving me a back rub almost every night. And Master recently stumbled onto a way to get my back to crack every time He does it. I actually went to a chiropractor on a bi-weekly basis when I was in my teen years. I sometimes miss it but now that Master has found this little trick I don't really see as much of a need for it.

He will work on my back for a good 30 to 45 minutes which just turns me into jello, which is basically the effect He is going for. It helps a lot and keeps most of the pain away for an extended period of time.

But once that's done He will have me lay as flat as possible on the floor. He'll then straddle my hips and take His thumbs and puts one on each side of my spine. About the half way point He'll suddenly switch to using the flat of His hands to go the rest of the way up to the base of my neck. It's all snap, crackle, pop from there. And it feels so damn good.

It hurts sometimes but the pain is momentary. Immediately after that I'm jello again.

He did all of that for me tonight. When He was done He leaned over me for a little while, making me feel surrounded. I need that sometimes. More likely I need that as aftercare but sometimes I just need it to help me relax. And somehow He knew I needed that tonight. He kissed my shoulder and I smiled. Then I pushed my hips up so my ass rubbed against His crotch through His jeans. He chuckled and nipped my shoulder before moving and slapped my ass.

I feel wonderful right now.

Another thing Master has been doing for me is taking the dog out on the nights where it's my turn. Not every time but quite a few lately. It's not that I don't want to take care of the dog. Master does it more so I don't have to get dressed and go outside. He just wants me to stay inside, in one of His extremely comfortable shirts, and relax.

He takes such good care of me. I'm spoiled.

In Heat

Master and I kind of met in a chat room. It wasn't planned and it wasn't that kind of chat room. It was just a regular chat room. Well, the group of us that lived in Wisconsin decided it would be fun to meet up and actually meet everyone face to face. If I remember correctly there were seven of us, including myself. But before I went I decided to look at everyone's profile so I would know what they would look like.

That was the first time I knew what He looked like. And I immediately thought He was handsome and wondered what He would be like in bed. Not that it mattered. I figured He wouldn't be interested. (Boy was I wrong.) But at least I knew what He looked like.

Well, at the actual meet up of everyone I was standing there waiting for other people to show up. I thought I was the first one there but apparently He had gotten there first but left momentarily to make sure others weren't somewhere else because the place we had all agreed to meet at was a little confusing. So there I am standing and waiting.

It was March but it was unusually nice out. I was standing facing the outside so all this light was pouring in and the next thing I remember seeing is Him walking up with the light surrounding Him and I remember looking up at Him and I just hoped that my jaw wasn't hanging. He was even better looking in person. He had long hair, a goatee, and just... wow. Again I wondered what He would be like in bed. He recognized me as well from my profile picture. I didn't know what He was thinking at the time. But we sat down and waited for the rest of them to show up. I think we had about a half hour of just the two of us talking before the rest of them started to trickle in.

That night we started "flirting" in private chat. And the rest? Well the rest is history.

About two and a half years into our relationship I proposed to Him. We were both broke as hell but were getting by. We weren't even living together yet but there was just something that told me we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I was/am so madly in love with Him. Apparently He thought the same because He said yes.

Like I said we were both rather broke. I gave Him a ring that used to be may father's. He has worn it on His pinky ever since I gave it to Him. We joke that it's His engagement ring.

Him? He has always been very vain about His hair. His hair is gorgeous. He shaved His head as a gesture in return to my proposal. We lived together for two years after that before getting married. And here we are 10 1/2 years into our relationship.

So what's my reason for going down memory lane? His hair.

He continued to shave His head for quite some time. He looked hot bald.

Eventually He did start to grow His hair back. For a little while He had a typical guy's haircut. Don't get me wrong, I still thought He was sexy as hell but it just didn't look right on Him. He didn't look like Him. That was very, very short lived.

Then He started buzzing it. It had a little bit of length to it but He would just grab His electric razor, put the longer guard on it, and crop it down. Again, I found Him sexy as always. And it honestly suited Him. He wore it well.

But for about the past five to six months He has been growing it out. He wants it long again. It's just past that awkward length where it's just constantly in the way and ya can't do a damn thing with it. I remember that from when I cut my hair short and grew it back out.

Now? Now all of His hair is past His shoulders except for the front, where the bangs would be if He actually had bangs. That part is just past His chin. But there is just something about Him having longer hair again that has me turned on almost constantly. It's like I'm in heat. I don't know what it is.

As I've always said, and meant it, it doesn't matter how long His hair is, it doesn't matter if He has a goatee or not, it doesn't matter if He weighs more or weighs less.... I have always been so highly attracted to this man. And so, so, in love. I don't think it's possible for me to love Him anymore than I do. He has me completely, across all levels.

There are only certain things that could ever in a million years break that. And I know they will never occur. Neither of us would do such things to one another.

So why His longer hair is making me act this way, I have no idea. He seems to be enjoying it though.