June 29, 2012


Everyone knows that Master is highly protective of me. And when they look at the two of us they can see it and it makes sense to them. He's 6'4 and a brick wall of a man. I'm 5'1 and rather petite.

However, when people find out how protective of Him I am it suddenly doesn't make sense, mainly because of the reasons listed above. Yes, He's a big boy and He can handle His own shit. But that doesn't mean that I won't handle my business as well. You fuck with Him and you are fucking with me. It's as simple as that.

Just because I'm short and have a small frame doesn't mean I cannot protect Him. I will get medieval. I don't give a fuck.

Like I said I know He can hold His own and He doesn't need my help but it doesn't stop me at all. Normally He'll tell me He's got it but sometimes, He allows me to act on my protective instinct. I haven't gotten physical about it. It's all been verbal.

When it's the worst though is when He's sick. Because His immune system isn't the best. So when He's sick I get protective as hell. If I don't think the doctors or nurses are taking it seriously enough or aren't acting on things quickly enough for me I let them know it. Thankfully it hasn't happened a lot but when it does... oh the bitch comes out so quickly it'll make your head spin around more than once.

There was one time when He had walking pneumonia where I was waiting for them to come take His blood so they could run some tests. Not very much time had passed but I was still pacing the room. I didn't say anything when they came back because I know not much time had passed by but I couldn't help myself.

I needed to use the bathroom and wanted to grab something to drink but I refused to leave His side. It wasn't until they took Him to take some x-rays that I walked very, very quickly to the bathroom. I peed in record time. I then rushed over to the vending machine to grab a soda. I then walked very, very quickly back to the room He was in and sat down. I had made it back before they did. When He came back He was a little surprised to see me back so soon. As soon as they had the hospital bed back where it was supposed to be I walked over, grabbed His hand and ran my fingers through His hair.

He both loves and hates the way I get when He's sick. He loves it because I take care of Him. He hates it because I can be a little over bearing. But that's how I take care of Him. I don't let Him get up for anything besides using the bathroom when I'm home. I'll bring Him everything. He'll try to get up to grab a controller or a soda and I'm up in a flash telling Him to sit the hell down and I'll get it for Him. His normal "complaint" is: "I could have gotten it Myself."

I just look at Him and say, "I know. That's nice. Too bad."

I know it drives Him nuts sometimes, especially when He starts to feel better. But it takes quite a bit to convince me that He's actually okay. I worry too much. But that's just how I am and how I handle things.

June 28, 2012


It's hot as fuck out today. The air feels heavy and they say it might storm, but there isn't a cloud in the sky so I highly doubt it. Due to the heat I'm not hungry at all. But Master told me I have to eat so I'll force something down before I go to bed tonight.

I feel pretty brain dead today though. Work was boring but at least I'm not swamped. I just feel sluggish today. It doesn't help that my shoulders are bothering me. It also doesn't help that I was eaten alive by mosquitoes last night. I had a good time outside but damn do these fucking things itch! And of course two of them are on my foot. One is right on the arch of my foot. It's driving me nuts. I've been slathering hydrocortizone on it like it's going out of style. It helps at least.

I want something to post. I just wish my brain could think of something. This is what I hate about feeling sluggish. I don't really have a lot going on in my head so when I go to post I come up blank. But I don't want to do a short as hell post either.


Nope. Still blank.

I'm glad that I have a really long weekend coming up next week. Five days off! It's the longest I've had off ever, regardless of the job. I have no idea what I'm going to do on those five days off but it doesn't matter. Just knowing that I can rest and relax for five days in a row is just an awesome thought and I'm really looking forward to it. Plus I get all that extra time with Master. We haven't had that many days together in a row without work interrupting.

Hopefully it's not too hot out so my libido (or His) isn't affecting by it too badly. Five days off and no sex? That would suck. A lot.

But the hotter it gets the lower our sex drive goes, even with air conditioning.

We've been sitting outside a lot at night which is why I'm getting eaten alive.

Master just came inside to grab an ice cream cone. He's sitting out talking with neighbors. I'll be joining Him as soon as my post is done, which should be shortly. And then I'm going to spray myself down with bug spray so hopefully those damn blood suckers won't get me too badly.

Eh. Fuck it. I'm going outside. At least the neighbor's apartment is in the shade.

June 27, 2012

Screw This

While I was at work today I was bored out of my mind. I literally had nothing to do. I ran out of work at 11am. Since I have that extended weekend next week I've been knocking out all my work as fast as it comes in so I don't have too much shit to come into the following week. Apparently this is working against me at the moment. So anyway, I had taken the car to work today since the driver of our carpool couldn't take us home. As I'm sitting there at 1pm trying to think of something to do Master called me. He was bored too. I told Him how my day was going and that I just felt kind of antsy. He told me I could always take the afternoon off and come be bored with Him. How sweet, right? *laughs*

I thought about it for a little while. I would say a good fifteen minutes. And I decided fuck it. Yes, I know I have a long weekend next week but so what?

So I left work and came home. I was home by 2:15pm. It felt really weird walking in the door that early on a Wednesday. Master was happy to see me. He gave me a hug and a kiss. I got changed and we sat outside for a little while. It's hotter than hell out but it wasn't too bad in the shade. We were out there for about a half hour before calling it quits and coming back inside.

We haven't really done anything. I've been playing around on the computer. Master's been playing His newest video game.

Yes, I could have stayed at work and gotten paid to be bored out of my skull. But I didn't. I came home and am glad I did. It doesn't matter that there isn't anything going on. I'm relaxing. I'm home. I'm near Master. I'm a happy girl.

June 26, 2012

Mellow Day

Today was not a stressful day at all. I haven't had one of those in a very long time. I'm not saying the home situation is stressful, but things outside of it have been.

Work was rather easy going. This was the first day in at least eight months that I've been able to take my time with things and work on the smaller stuff without freaking out that I'm not doing other things instead.

My mom had good news and bad news today. Mainly good though. Her mammogram results came in. She had it done last Friday. The doctor called her and told her everything looks fine. She always gets so nervous when she goes in for those. I don't blame her. I get nervous for her. I don't look forward to having those done at all.

The bad news she had is that it's going to take longer than she thought to get new medical insoles for her shoes. She has fallen arches and needs new insoles for them. It's going to take longer because they want her to do a nerve test and all that happy horse shit.

When I got home Master and I went grocery shopping. It went quickly. Normally at the grocery store we go to they only have one lane open so it takes forever. But I'm willing to put up with it because the place is cheap as hell. But today they still only had one lane open but they weren't busy, so we were able to get in and out of there within twenty minutes.

Although, when we got out of the grocery store we smelled the pizza place next store and it smelled really, really good. So even though we had just gone grocery shopping we said fuck it and got a pizza as well.

We came home and ate dinner. After we were done eating we sat out on our porch for a while. Eventually neighbors started to poke their heads out as well. We had a good time talking to them.

We just got back inside so I thought I would knock my post out before going to take my bath. I have dry skin everywhere and it's driving me nuts. I think I'll attack the bottle of lotion when I get done taking my bath.

June 25, 2012

My Man

After a really great weekend it's always hard going back to work. Today it was even harder. Master and I had reconnected on more levels than just sex. It was really nice. It's not that we are out of touch with one another. It's just that there has been so much going on outside of our relationship that we really just needed to focus on that. And we did in between family visits and hanging out with friends.

I'm glad we did. I woke up and looked at Master as He continued sleeping. I just wanted to wrap my arm around His waist, cuddle up to His back, nuzzle the back of His neck and then drift back off to sleep. But unfortunately I couldn't.

So off to work I went.

I missed Him. Well, I always miss Him when I'm not home. But it was a bit more noticeable today because of the weekend and how wonderful it had been.

I had some errands to run when I got out of work so I did that before I came home. When I finally did get home I smiled as soon as I saw Him.

He had shaved off His goatee and mustache. He is very baby faced when He doesn't have facial hair. I think He always looks handsome. He doesn't really like being clean shaven. But He hadn't done it in a long time so He wanted to see what it looked like now that He's lost a little weight.

I told Him He looks hot. He just shook His head and smiled at me.

I think He always looks hot. I have since the first time I saw Him.

I'm so glad that I get five days off in a row next week. Extra time with my Man. I always look forward to that.

June 24, 2012

Hurts So Good

Well my sex drive is back. Yay! I have missed it.

We had fucked earlier in the day yesterday. Then as the night went on Master tossed me a piece of lingerie that I've had for a little while but have never worn. It's not my usual kind of lingerie. I love fishnet. Absolutely love it. Well, I had found this one piece of lingerie that is a dress that has attached garters and stockings. It's always easier when it's one piece.

However, it's not fishnet. It's sheer regular pantyhose material. Pantyhose and I don't really get along together. Hence why I like fishnets. No matter how hard I try I always seem to get a run in them in no time flat. Since it was made out of that material I was worried but He wanted to see me in it. So I went into the bathroom and put it on. Like I said I love one piece outfits. It's so much easier to put on.

So I put it on and met Master in the bedroom. He loved it. He made me turn around slowly. He then pulled me onto His lap for a moment before having me get on the bed itself.

He had left the light on. Normally when we fuck at night we leave them off. It's not like we don't want to see each other naked, it's just how it is. But He had the lamp on. I giggled and asked why. He said, "I want to watch Myself fucking you."


He played with me for a while. Pushing and pulling my pussy lips apart as He stared down at me. He was kneeling between my legs. After a while He had me scoot up. He ate me out and it was incredible. After I came He forced His cock into me.

He was quite rough with me, pinning me into the positions He wanted me in. He allowed me to cum over and over again.

At one point He had me laying on my back. He had one of my legs straight up resting on His shoulder. My other leg He pushed down so I was spread wide open while He bounced me off His cock. I knew He was watching. I also knew that I wanted to put a little more of a show on for Him.

I started rubbing my tits, running my hands over the lingerie. That felt really good for a while. I then pulled the lingerie aside, playing with my right tit. I was pulling on my nipple and moving the nipple piercing. I then pulled the lingerie over on the other side and did the same thing. As I continued to pull and squeeze my tits I felt Him pounding me harder. I couldn't help but arch my back and play with my tits more roughly. As I did so He bucked His hips and filled me with His cum.

We both laid on the bed, catching our breath. We decided to go back into the living room for a little while. I took the lingerie off so I wouldn't ruin it. So far so good.

We sat out in the living room watching TV for a little while. Then I started to crash. Master was still somewhat awake so He told me to go to bed and He'd be in shortly. I was passed out by the time He came to bed.

This morning before Master took His shower we were in the living room. Out of no where He ordered me to the bedroom. Once we were back there He asked me if I had a mood. I was feeling rather docile so I asked to be used. He flipped me onto my stomach and entered me. I was swollen and sore from yesterday but gods it felt amazing. He tucked His feet under my legs, forcing them widely apart. He pinned me down by placing His hands on my shoulders. It hurt. It hurt really, really good. Towards the end He moved one hand down to pin my hips as well as my upper body. I absolutely love it when He does that.

When we were done we just laid on the bed for a while. We didn't want to move. We just enjoyed the after sex bliss and laid next to one another. Eventually He got up to take His shower. While He was doing that I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped my pussy so I wouldn't leave too much of a snail trail on the couch. When I did so I noticed a light tinge of blood. I just smiled to myself.

I hope He hurts me again later with that thick cock of His.

June 23, 2012

Fun Fun Fun

Today Master and I just basically sat around killing time before we had to go down to His mother's.

Although we killed the time in a fun way. We fucked. It was amazing as always. After that I took a shower. We watched some TV on Netflix and then headed out.

As always it wasn't really about Master. It was about His mom. Everything that is wrong in her life... blah blah blah.

Master and my mother-in-law's husband went outside to grill and while they were out there she was telling me how she loves that her husband cooks... and then proceeded to tell me how he does everything wrong when he cooks. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

I swear every time I see her she's more bitchy and more woe is me than the last time.

We only stayed a couple of hours and then headed home.

Unfortunately on the way home my stomach started to let me know that it didn't like me. I just wanted to get home even though Master offered to pull over at a gas station. So He hurried home, dropped me off at the sidewalk and went to park the car.


Not good.

I think it was the brat I ate and the fact that I had drank Coke. First, the brat was a beer brat. I didn't know that until after I ate it. I couldn't really taste it because the brat was burnt. I hate beer and beer hates me. Even if it's just something that was soaked in beer. Then I drank that Coke. I drink Mountain Dew. I used to drink Coke and switched to Mountain Dew when the Coke started tasting different. Well, apparently I can't drink Coke at all anymore.

I feel better now. But still.

The day started off wonderfully. Down time with my Master. A great fuck. A nice drive. Then it went down hill from there.

Oh well. I'm not going to let it ruin my night. After all I'm feeling a little better.

June 22, 2012


You know how when you're in a relationship for a long time you start to think that what you, as a couple, do and how you are with one another is the norm? For a change, I'm not talking about kink. I'm just talking about how you are as a couple. I hope this makes sense.

Well, Master and I have been together for nine years. It's actually hard to believe that we'll be hitting a whole decade in March. So yeah, how we interact seems absolutely normal. Although I know that it isn't. At least it isn't when compared to the people in relationships that we know. It's a small group, but still.

I know we're different from the relationships my family members are in or the relationships His family members are in. But since we have friends now.... which is still kind of weird... it's becoming more and more apparent that we aren't the norm.

One night while we were sitting around outside Master had to go inside to take the dog out. While He was doing that I was talking to Angela. She told me that we are the perfect couple. *blinks* I told her that we're perfect for each other.

She agreed but also repeated herself. I asked her what she meant. She told me that we seem to be more than just a typical married couple. When she said that I started running things through my head to see if anything we had done had tipped her off to the kinky side of things. Nope. That wasn't where she was going with it at all.

She told me how Master is constantly talking about me if I'm not there, and it's all good things. He never complains about me. He never has a bad thing to say about me. She told me that there should be more men like Him. I readily agreed.

About this time is when Master came back. He asked what we were talking about and she told Him. Master just sat down and said that we're more than just Husband and wife. He told her that I am His best friend, His mate and His lover. She said that she wished more couples could be friends as well as in a relationship together because she feels it's so important. We agreed. We told her that we wouldn't have lasted as long as we have without that key element. If you can't be best friends with the one you are with.... doesn't that mean that you can't talk to them like you would talk to a best friend? Wouldn't that mean that you can't sit down and confide everything to your significant other? That's how I see it.

Master and I have had past relationships where that was exactly the case. Now, I was only 20 when I met Him so to be perfectly honest all of my other relationships were small junior high and high school stuff. Except my last ex. That started when I was 15 and ended when I was 20. But that relationship was bad enough that I knew when I was 20 that I never wanted to experience that kind of relationship again. I didn't want to wake up and go, "Why the hell are you still breathing?" I didn't want to not be able to talk about things that I would talk to my good friends about.

I was very lucky. I found the man I needed, the man I wanted, the man that completes me very, very young. Master was almost 28 when I met Him. He had experienced several relationships like I've mentioned above. In fact in both of our cases this is the first relationship where we have been able to talk about absolutely anything and everything.

As I've said, we're lucky to have found one another. Yes, like any relationship and friendship we've had our ups and downs. But the ups so far out weigh the downs it borders on the ridiculous side of things.

Are we perfect? No. Are we perfect for one another? Absolutely.

Are we normal? Not by any stretch of the imagination.

It opens your eyes a bit wider. It makes you appreciate what you have more than you did. We don't take each other for granted. You can't if you want things to be healthy in your relationship. In my mind once you start taking each other for granted the respect isn't there as much as it used to be until eventually it's not there at all.

June 21, 2012

Side Effect

Being manic can have it's draw backs. Last night I experienced one. We were sitting outside having a good time with our neighbors and we came in a little late. I was still wide awake when I did my post last night. I started to feel myself wind down and Master wanted me to get some sleep anyway since I had to drive in the morning to go to work.

Well, I was in bed a little before midnight. It was almost 2am by the time I drifted off. I didn't get out of bed. It was tempting, but I knew if I did that I would never get any sleep and Master would have told me to go right back to bed anyway.

The problem was that it didn't really feel like sleeping. It was more that half asleep half awake feeling. I woke up many times as the night went on. I remember Master coming to bed and I remember tossing and turning. I also remember just laying there with my eyes closed but feeling like I couldn't get comfortable. I didn't want to move though.

I thought that if I moved I would just wake up more. At about 5am I looked at the clock. My alarm was going to go off in about an hour and a half. I sighed and looked over at Master. I like watching Him sleep. I know that He knew I wasn't sleeping well. He would roll over and put His arm around me when I would mumble and try to get comfortable again. Having Him next to me always makes me feel better. I would fall asleep for a little while when I felt His arm go around me.

But when I looked at the clock when it hit 5am I basically just laid there until my alarm went off. I dozed on and off but never fell fully asleep.

The alarm went off. I got up and got ready for work. I took the dog out and left Master my morning note. In the note I told Him that I hadn't sleep well but that I was okay to drive.

Surprisingly I'm not tired. That may change as the night goes on but right now I'm okay.

June 20, 2012


Today I had one of my really bad hyper streaks. It didn't hit me right away. The day started off normal. I wasn't groggy at all, which is a little unusual but I didn't think anything of it. Then, at about 8:30am it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just wanted to move. I got up and literally grabbed all the files I would need for the day. That took me a good hour. However, when I got back to my desk I had about 45 files on it. Normally I'll grab a handful at a time so that my desk isn't piled up. Oh well.

But once I had all the files at my desk I had no excuse to really get up from my desk. So I would get up to get water, or use the bathroom. There were a few times that I got up and just walked around the building just to get away from my desk. It wasn't often though. I had shit to do after all.

On my lunch break I walked around outside. It was fucking hotter than hell though. So it was a slow walk. But that didn't seem to help either. When I got back to my desk I was actually shaking a little because I was so damn hyper.

I did get a lot done though. Even though I'm that hyper I'm able to focus really, really well on my work. Which is a good thing. It would fucking suck if I wasn't able to focus.

When I got home from work I was still bright eyed and bushy tailed. I wasn't extremely hyper anymore. After dinner Master and I poked our heads outside. No one was out.

Well with a couple of the neighbors we have reached the point of friendship where we actually exchanged phone numbers. So I sent Angela a text and she said she'd be out in about a half hour and would text me so we could sit outside in front of her apartment. Her apartment was in the shade by that time. It was a little cooler out and there was a breeze, so it was really nice.

Time flew by. It was just the three of us for a good portion of it but then one of the Mike's got home and came over as well. Before I knew it, it was almost 11pm. I have to take the car to work tomorrow so unfortunately we had to call it a night. Master came inside with me and I took my bath and am now doing my blog post.

I'm still awake. I'm not as hyper though. I feel like I might actually be winding down a little bit.

It has been a really long time since I've felt this way. A really, really long time.

June 19, 2012

Damn You Tuesday

Well, it's another hotter than hell day here. This is why I never, ever want to move to a warmer state. I've lived in this one all my life and I don't think I could handle this kind of heat all the time. Fuck that noise.

It's only Tuesday. This is some bullshit. I don't know why but it feels a lot later in the week. Tomorrow is Wednesday (obviously). Since this week is paycheck week I get my paycheck stub tomorrow. I don't get the monies but I get to see what I'll be getting on Friday. I like to know ahead of time so I can figure out the budget. It makes life easier. It is also a little frustrating because I know that money is mine and I know the funds are available in their bank but it's not in my hands just yet.

But since this is the first paycheck I'll have with my new wages, I'm curious to see how much of a difference it'll make. Plus, it'll have the back pay for the raise on it. Hopefully taxes won't take it all.

Other than that tomorrow isn't going to be a big deal. Although I am getting out of work a half hour early because the carpool driver needs to pack as she's leaving the next day to go down to Florida and won't be back until next Tuesday.

This means I have to take our car for Thursday, Friday and Monday. Plus next Wednesday I'll have to take the car. That is a lot of gas money. Master told me that I may want to take this Friday off as it's only a half day and won't really be worth the gas. It's a tempting thought.

Master is not in a great mood tonight. I completely understand why and will not go into details here. It is one of those situations where I have absolutely no way of helping. I fucking hate that. I really do. It's maddening.

This weekend is going to be busy though. Or at least it seems like it will be. Friday we may or may not be going to see my father. Saturday we are visiting His mom. He decided to not back out totally but told me that if she tries to reschedule for a different time on Saturday or wants to change it to Sunday too damn bad. It's either Saturday at the time we agreed upon or it's not at all. So we'll see how that goes.

Right now Master is outside. He wants to keep Himself busy right now, so He went out to see if any of the neighbors are out there. He told me to get my blog post and shower knocked out. Then, if I feel like it and He hasn't come back in I should pop my head out. 

June 18, 2012

Birthday Blowjob

Yesterday was Master's birthday. Since we had blown off His mom we pretty much enjoyed just a nice relaxing day doing whatever. 

I knew we weren't going anywhere. There wasn't much we could do in celebration of Master's birthday. It doesn't bother Him or anything but I felt a little bad about it. But, I did get Him a gift. About a week ago we went to the game store. He had received a 20% off coupon for a game. So we went down and He found a game He wanted. He hasn't played it before and He wanted it when it first came out, He just didn't think it would be worth paying the full price for it. The price had come down and now He had that coupon so we snatched it up. It's not much in way of a birthday present but I know He was happy with it.

However, since we couldn't do much I wanted to at least try and look nice for Him. So before we went outside I did my make-up with a little flair added to it. I put on a black fabric and mesh skirt, a tight black tank-top that looks more like a slip, a nice pair of ankle boots and a black studded hat.

He loved it.

We went outside and talked with a couple neighbors on our porch. Everyone was asking why I was so dressed up. They thought we were going somewhere. I just said that I wanted to look nice for Him since it was His birthday. They poked fun and said, "I'm surprised you guys are outside with her dressed like that." *wink wink nudge nudge*

Master just smiled and said, "That will come later."

He had fucked my brains out the night before.

Out of nowhere someone asked what the rest of us were doing for dinner. Before we knew it we had all decided to have a cookout. So we all went into our own apartments for about a half hour. I changed while we were inside because the black was just becoming too damn hot. But, I did change into another dress so Master was pleased.

Then it was time to grill out! Everyone brought something. It was really nice. After we were done eating we just sat around, joking and having a good time until about 9:30pm. After that we called it a night as I had to go to work in the morning. Never mind I had been telling Master how I wanted to stay home... just because. He said that He knew it was tempting but I should take into account how much work I would come back to. So I decided that I wouldn't stay home.

Anyway, we get back inside and Master had made a joke earlier in the day that He wanted a birthday blowjob. When He said that I laughed and said, "Like You need an excuse?"

He smiled and told me that no, no He did not need an excuse.

Now that we were back inside, I asked if He still wanted His birthday blowjob. Yes, I know it was a dumb question. Shush.

We went into the bedroom. Master sat on the bed with His back to the wall. I laid down in between His legs and did my best to give Him the best blowjob I could. I snaked my tongue around, I deep throated, I gently played with His balls and then gently tugging on them. I knew that He had held off for a while, just to enjoy it for a while longer.

When He was ready to cum He pushed my head all the way down to the base of His cock and I continued to run my tongue along the length of it.

I love it when I can please Him like that. I really do. I get turned on by giving head. I was just thankful that my jaw decided to go with the program.

After that He allowed me to stay up past my bedtime. He did allow me to skip my blog post so I could have a little extra alone time with Him. We've been spending a lot of time outside with neighbors, so I appreciated that.

So, my Master is another year older and I couldn't love Him any more than I do. I'm a little disappointed that I couldn't do more for His birthday but He had a great time He said and that's all that matters.

June 16, 2012

Nothing Much

I think last night I've stayed up later than I have in quite some time. I was almost 3am before I was tired and went to bed. And even then I only went to bed because Master was. I just made myself lay there until I fell asleep.

He had gone over to the neighbors until about 10:30pm. I wasn't feeling up to it because I had a bad headache/migraine all day and was popping Tylenol like it was candy. So I wasn't really feeling up to going outside and talking with people. After He came back inside He told me that I hadn't really missed anything. I kind of figured as much.

Today we both slept in. I got up to take care of the dog at about 7am and then went right back to bed after we came back inside.

We've spent most of the day sitting around talking. He's played video games. I've played on the computer. We watched some stand-up comedy on Netflix. That has pretty much been the extent of our day. I left the apartment twice. Once to go to the store to pick up hydrocortizone and hand lotion. The other time I left it was to go buy soda because I had forgotten to when I left the first time.

It's not been an exciting day at all. But I've enjoyed it.

I don't know why but towards the end of the last thing we were watching I ended up passing out on the couch. When I woke up Master told me He was going to pop His head outside and see what the neighbors were doing. Okay. I'm not feeling especially social right now so I'll just keep my tail inside for a little while. I might go out there later. I'm not sure.

June 15, 2012


We all know that I am one hell of a mess when I'm not on my medication. I didn't realize it at the time of course, but looking back... Wow. Just wow.

Total. Mess.

No, I haven't stopped taking my medication or anything like that. The reason I'm bringing it up is because the first week of July I have an appointment with my shrink. It's my three month check up basically. Every three months he wants me to come in so he can see how I'm doing and how I'm handling things. I can of course make appointments in between the three month marks but so far I haven't seen a need to.

But, this next visit is going to be a little different. I'm going to ask him to take me off one of my medications and put me on something else that is similar to it. Why? Well, the one medication is expensive. It hasn't been a problem until now. I've had one of those saving cards where instead of my copay being $60 a month it was $25. That savings card expires this month. I've already looked into it and I can't get a new one since I've had one for so long. Basically the pharmaceutical company would deny it as I'm not low income and I've had a card for... oh... about two years now? A year and a half? Something around there.

My other medication is only $10 a month because it's a generic. So, I want another medication that has a generic variant. The second meds I'm on (the $60 one) does not have a generic. I was honestly shocked to learn that because I thought all medications have a generic variant. Apparently I was wrong.

I'm a little nervous about switching medications but I trust my shrink. I really do. After all, if I didn't trust him I wouldn't be going there and Master surely wouldn't allow me to go there. I'll just have to closer eye on myself during the medication change over. That's all. And I'm sure Master will as well.

June 14, 2012


It only takes one small thing sometimes to completely ruin and evening.

When I got home from work we popped our heads outside to go sit around and talk with our neighbors. We had a great time. The conversations were all over the place and we couldn't stop laughing. It helped me relax, which I needed.

Time flew by and before I knew it, it was almost 9pm.We still hadn't had dinner so I excused myself and told Master that I would make a Taco Bell run. It took a little longer than I expected. Apparently at 9pm everyone and their mom wants Taco Bell.

When I got home Master was still sitting outside. He heard me lock the car so He came in with me. Since it was already a little after 9pm I took the dog out and Master took care of the bunnies. While I was outside Master had hopped on the computer and checked His e-mail. And that was apparently not a good thing.

His mother has been trying to set up a visit for us to come down to her place. Lately rather than calling she'll send Him an e-mail. Master's birthday is on Sunday and she wanted to get together then. We already loathe going over there because we're never sure which way it's going to go. It could be okay... or it could be hell.

Master didn't want to deal with her on His actual birthday so He delayed it to next weekend. I think that is what flipped her bitch switch. Everything has to be on her terms. Everything. If she doesn't get her way for whatever reason she starts her little pokes and prods and just keeps going and going.

But she tries to pull it off so it seems like she's not poking the bear so to speak. It doesn't work. We see right through her bullshit. And no, we're not reading between the lines trying to find some flaw in what she said/wrote. We just know how she is. Always a back handed compliment or she'll just talk down to Him and then when we try to call her on it she'll say she's just trying to help and she has no idea why we took it that way.

Um, because it's fucking apparent.

That's all it took. That one last poke and that put both Master and I in a bad mood. Master more so. She's been doing this to Him all His life and I've only been putting up with it since I've been with Master. It's still enough to make me want to cuss her out and bitch slap her. I want to just walk up to her and tell her how horrible of a person she can be and she can't treat myself or Master that way. She has no right... you get the picture.

But the minute we start going that route she'll look at us point blank and say, "I never said that."

She'll then get upset and go the "I can't believe you thought I would say something like that!" And then comes the pity party. She's always the victim don't ya know. She is never ever wrong in her eyes. Oh, and I imagine that would include the time where right before we got married she sent Him an e-mail telling Him to "be careful" because I'm eight years younger than Him and I might just up and leave one day because of the age difference.


I told Master that I have half a mind to just write her myself and tell her we're not coming at all. But I know we'll never hear the end of it and we'll be the bad guys, once again.

We don't cut her out of our lives because.... well.... we just don't. I know Master has wanted to. But that's His mom. It doesn't help that sometimes we can actually have a semi-good time when we're down there. Mainly that has to do with her husband though. I have a feeling one day she is just going to go that extra mile and Master is going to verbally curb stomp her ass and that'll be the end of it.

June 13, 2012

Proud Of Myself

Okay, I know I said I don't want to post about work all that much.... but I'm rather proud of myself. So I'm going to post about it.

You know how I was complaining that my review hadn't been done yet? Well, apparently complaining on my blog has special powers or something because I actually got my review the very next day. Yep. I had my review yesterday.

I came into work yesterday to an e-mail stating that my review would be done at 9:30am. Rock on! I don't know why but I always get nervous right before my review. It's not that I'm really worried, just nervous. I just want to know what my supervisor has to say and of course, what my raise is.

So I wait until 9:30am and then go down to the HR office. But apparently my supervisor was catching up on other people's reviews as well. Might as well get it done all at once right? They were still in there with someone else from my department. I figured it would be long so I hung outside the HR office and talked with the HR assistant for a while. My supervisor came in about ten minutes later. But after the supervisor is gone that's when HR talks to you as well and then lets you know what your raise is.

I'm not even close to kidding when I say another hour went by before they were done with her review. I had went back to my desk on and off, checking back in at the HR office to see if they were done. Well, as I said about an hour later I just so happened to walk back to the HR office to see if they were done yet and right as I got close to the door the other person from my department stormed out. Her face was red and she looked livid. Um, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say her review didn't go well. She obviously still works there but... yeah.

That made me a little more nervous. Why? I'm not entirely sure. The HR director asked me to give her and my supervisor about fifteen more minutes so they could talk about the previous review. I of course said that wasn't a problem and went back to my desk. Fifteen minutes go by and I come back. I only waited for a few more minutes and they opened the door.

I came in and sat down next to my supervisor. He pulled out his paperwork from my file. He is very pleased with my work and how I've handled all the changes that have been made since December. I'm really glad he brought that up because damn there have been some hard changes. The only complaint he had was that I had gone over my personal time by three hours. Considering that was his one and only complaint, I'm pretty damn happy. And apparently a client of ours had actually sent an e-mail to my supervisor complimenting me and my work. That was news to me and a feather in my cap if I do say so myself.

I was very pleased with my review. Then it came time for him to leave the room so the HR director and I could talk. I stood up, shook his hand and thanked him. We are very laid back where I work but when it comes to review time I feel a handshake is good manners. I don't know why I think that, but I do.

So he left the room and then it was just the HR director and myself. She had no complaints what so ever and complimented me on my work and stated that I am a benefit to my department and the company itself. Awesome.

Then it came down to money. Yep, I was about to find out what my raise was. I was expecting the standard 3% raise because that's what I've gotten the entire time I've been there. And I've had several reviews.

First was my original 90 days with the company. Then came my one year review. Shortly after that I transferred to the department I'm in now. Because of the transfer I got another 90 day review. Then came my 2 year review. All of those had a 3% bump to my pay.

But not this time. This time I got a 4% raised due to the comments from my supervisor, a client compliment and comments from other coworkers. I know it's only 1% higher than usual but that's hard to pull off.

June 12, 2012

Slammed Into Submission

Last night Master and I went into the bedroom to fool around. It was one of those rare times where I really wasn't sure what my mood was in regards to sex. Master asked me and I felt a little stupid saying that I wasn't sure. Yes, He can do whatever He wants but sometimes He wants to know what I want and then He can take that under consideration. But as I said, I wasn't sure.

Master started off a bit gentle but then it got rough rather quickly. He grabbed my tits and squeezed them, twisted them, pinched my nipples.

Eventually He knelt in between my legs and leaned forward. He put His right hand on my throat and squeezed. As He did that He put His left hand over my mouth. He forced His cock into me and the tears started to flow. I wasn't scared, I wasn't in pain or anything.

Sometimes when He is that rough I'll become overwhelmed and start to cry. It's not a bad feeling. It sets me into docile mode rather fucking quickly though. He ordered me to cum as He continued to squeeze my throat and cover my mouth. I could barely breathe. I could breathe out of my nose for the most part but it wasn't helping much. I got off rather hard. He then moved His hands and continued to fuck me roughly. When He told me to cum again I shook my head. I couldn't. It wasn't that He wasn't doing anything right or He wasn't hitting the right spots. Sometimes when I'm slammed into docile mode like that I simply can't get off. This was one of those times.

So He used me. At one point He had me pinned in half. My knees were by my head and He hit even deeper, causing me to shake a little bit. He then moved back, grabbed my ankles and flipped me onto my stomach. He mounted me, tucked His feet under my legs, forcing them further apart and grabbed my wrists, pinning me to the bed. I had stopped crying by this point. I was still somewhat out of breath and very docile still. How could I not be? Especially in that position.

After He filled me with His cum He allowed me to lay close to Him and kind of hide my face in His chest. He allowed me to stay that way for a little while before ordering me to clean His cock with my mouth. I got a little more aftercare once I did that. He asked me if I was okay. I said that yes, I was okay. I was just very, very docile.

We went into the living room afterward. It was a good hour before my bedtime so I thought that I would be staying up. But my body and mind had other ideas. I think I sat on the couch for a whopping 15 minutes before asking if I could go to sleep. He asked me if I was okay again. I assured Him that I was. After that He gave me a hug and a kiss and told me to go get some sleep.

June 11, 2012

Venting About Work

I'll warn you ahead of time, this post is about work. I've been trying to stay away from the subject but today I just need to vent a little bit about it.

Okay so first, I've been waiting for my review for almost four months now. With that review will come a cost of living raise. I want that raise and I want it now. I know there are a lot of people without jobs and some people with jobs don't get raises. I understand that and I shouldn't bitch. But I do have a job and I have a job where raises are given. So, I'm just venting. They will back date the pay raise, which is nice in one way because the check immediately after my review will be larger. The down side to that is more taxes will come out than usual. I have a feeling I'll pretty much break even on that one. I hate it when reviews are late. I can understand a month but come on now. I go to work. I'm on time. I do my job. I go above and beyond. Give. Me. My. Review.

The second thing is another policy change as to how we handle things. This time it's client wide. This makes it a bit easier because I don't have to worry if this or that client goes with that policy or not. The down side is that it's not just for new referrals. It's for current ones  as well. And with what it effects it makes going back and placing that policy in will be difficult.

Thirdly, the driver of the carpool had talked about moving a while back. Then she said that it might not happen. As a result I severely slacked off on my hunt for a new job. My job is not horrible. I may complain, but it doesn't matter what job you have.. you complain about something. However, I know what my insurance is and what my co-pays are. I've been there a little over three years now and it's going to suck starting from square one again.

But today she told us that it was definitely going through. She's been collecting boxes from work to pack with. I guess her and the two friends she is moving in with have started a group bank account so they can start saving up for the move.

So, now I'm going to be starting my job hunt again. She said that they'll start seriously looking in August. So I have a little time.

Yes, I could stay at my job and just take my car with the two other people in the carpool. One of them doesn't have a car or a license. The other has one car between him and his wife and he says it's "her" car. In other words he isn't "allowed" to take it to go to work. His wife doesn't want to take a bus and won't drop us off at work. I know how difficult it is to have only one car. That's all we have. But it would be nice if she were at least willing to drop us off and pick us up from time to time.

And yes, the other two people in the carpool would be helping out with gas. But it's not just the extra gas money I'm worried about. We only have the one car and I don't want to run her into the ground. She's 11 years old, which isn't that old and she has just under 100,000 miles on her. So it's not like I'm driving a POS or anything. But my job is 45 minutes one way. So that would be 90 miles a day, five days a week.

Since she is our only car I worry about putting that much mileage on her. I'd rather have a job closer to home. I already talked to Master about it and He agreed with me.

June 10, 2012

Bloody Hot

This weekend has gone by extremely quickly. It was a good weekend. Even though it was a two and a half day weekend it seemed to be over the moment I blinked my eyes. And honestly it wasn't even that busy.

Friday we went to my dad's for a while. Yesterday we spent most of the day in the apartment since it was so hot out. Master went out to sit with the neighbors before I wanted to. So while He was out there I did my post and took my shower. Around 7:30pm I decided to poke my head out as well. We came in sometime around 10pm. We started watching a movie around midnight and I ended up falling asleep on the couch about 30 minutes into it. Apparently Master fell asleep in His chair while watching it. So when He woke up to credits on the TV, He woke me up and we went to bed.

Today I went down for a short visit with my mother. I went grocery shopping and Master helped me carry all that in and put it away. A couple of hours later I ran to Walgreens to get my prescriptions. I was surprised when the pharmacist told me that I could only get one of them. I knew I had refills so I asked why I couldn't pick up the other one as well. Apparently my insurance company wanted further authorization for it and so the pharmacy had to contact my doctor and are waiting for his response. It's Sunday, so I know his office isn't open.

It's a really good thing that I didn't need that second medication immediately. The one I was able to fill I had to have right away as I was completely out of it, so I was relieved about that. I do think it's odd that my insurance wanted more authorization from my doctor. I've been on these pills for about a year and a half now and I've never had a problem. He wrote the prescription after all. What the hell? I've never had this happen before. I'm not worried, just a bit confused.

We finished watching the movie we fell asleep watching last night. As soon as it was done Master went outside to hang out with the neighbors. I'm not sure how social I feel right now. The weekend has flown by. Being in the heat on and off today has me feeling rather blah. But I don't want to sit in the apartment by myself the entire night either. So... I don't know.

June 9, 2012

Pieces Of My Childhood

Yesterday Master and I went down to my father's. It wasn't a planned visit. We were sitting around the apartment and my dad gave us a ring and asked if we wanted to come down. We didn't have anything better to do really, so we said sure. It's rare that he calls but he's been wanting to see us for a while, so why not. We didn't want to take the interstate but apparently city streets weren't a good choice either. There was construction everywhere. A drive that normally takes 45 minutes took a little over an hour and a half. Sucked on the gas tank, I'll tell you that. But we eventually got down there and thankfully my dad's girlfriend only came out to talk for about 15 minutes and then left. The rest of the time it actually felt like it used to. Dad, my Husband and I just sitting in the living room talking and joking around. I mean, we did that last time but it's wasn't the same.

My dad is going to be selling off 90% of his collection. He collects a particular band's memorabilia. He started this collection back when he was about 16. He's 50 now. So needless to say the collection is rather large. Well, enormous really. I helped him build that collection. In fact, I had my own for the longest time (same band). I had started mine shortly really young. I'd say no later than ten or eleven. So my dad and I would buy each other items for our collections. When I moved in with Master I realized that I hadn't really shown off my collection in quite a few years. It was all in totes. I hadn't really thought about it until I moved because well, I was moving the totes.

I also knew that I wouldn't be putting any of it up really. So I had talked to my dad and asked if he wanted my collection. I didn't keep any of it. I knew that it was going to good home. Granted, it meant that he would have several duplicates but I knew that wouldn't bother him. He seemed surprised by it but took it all.

Well, now my dad is looking to sell most of it, as I said. When he first told me that I was surprised to a point because he has been collecting this stuff for so long but I understood because I know he really needs the money right now. Some of it is so he can get things he needs but the other reason is so he can get one particular item he wants.

When he had first told me he was going to be selling most of it off it didn't really effect me. After all I had given away my collection. Even if it was to him, I still gave it away.

While we were there he had pulled out some of the totes of memorabilia he has and started showing it off. I remembered all of it. Every piece he took out. I remembered it. I remembered each piece he showed me that I bought for him. I remembered the pieces that were originally mine. I remembered everything. He even had a little book I had made when I was younger. Maybe 11? It was about the band. Pictures I drew, song names I remembered by heart that I had decided to write down. He still had it. He also had the very first boombox he ever gave me. He pulled it out and I knew it immediately. He told Master how he had given it to me. He had given me two CDs of the band with the boombox. I even know which titles they were.

At one point while Dad was still digging around to find more totes Master looked over at me and softly asked me if I was okay. I was. It was just kind of hitting me at once. All of it, even though it wasn't all mine, was part of my childhood. I would go to a store and if I saw anything that had to do with this band I would pick it up for myself or my dad if I had saved up enough from my allowance. Even after I gave my dad my collection I would find something at the store I knew he didn't have and get it for him and give it to him the next time I saw him.

But now? Now it's all going away. Well, not all of it. Dad did show me the ones he plans on keeping and most of it are items I got for him or he bought at concerts.

When I go to concerts I buy a hat every time. There are two times I haven't been able to do that.  One time was when Master, my brother and I went to the Disturbed concert because I didn't see any hats. The other time is when Master and I went to see Alice Cooper. Again, no hats.

Why hats? Well, at my first concert (I went with my dad) I wanted something I could wear but didn't have to change into. They had a cool hat so I bought that. Since then, that's what I've done. I know a lot of people get t-shirts and yeah, you can toss that over what you're already wearing or hold onto it... but for some reasons I've stuck with hats. I had three from when I went to concerts with my dad. I had given those to him as well.

So while he's digging around I asked if he still had them. He said, "Of course I do!" and pulled down the tote that had them. I open it up and they are right on top. I pull all three out and took a look at them for the first time in at least six years.

I look at the first one I ever got and I got a little pang in my chest. It sounds stupid, I know. But this was my first concert ever. It was a concert that I went to with my dad. It was for a band we both loved and he had bought it for me.

I didn't want it going to someone else. I wanted it back. So I offered to buy it off of him. He said I could just have it. I said no, that I was going to give him $20 for it. He didn't argue past that. However he did ask why I wanted to buy it rather than just taking it. I simply told him that I was "helping out".

I wore that damn hat home.

Master honestly doesn't really care for the band in question but he knows that I still like the band and it's something that my dad and I bonded over.

On the way home though I told myself I will probably pick up a few of the band's CDs that I used to have. Now right now, but at some point when I find one in a store I'll pick it up Only a few select titles though. Hell, I had all of them at one point. But I sold all of those. Now I want a few back. I don't need the whole album list again because I won't listen to it all. But I can think of four that I would love to have back. I most likely won't listen to them when Master is around, because as I said he doesn't really care for the band, but that's okay.

I'm glad I have the hat back though. I don't really wear my other band hat that much, but it's not so much about wearing it so much as it is about having it. Weird, I know.

June 7, 2012

Puzzle Pieces

I'm pretty sure I've done posts like this in the past, but I don't believe I've done one recently. For some reason this was bouncing around in my head last night while I was waiting to drift off to sleep, so I thought I would blog about it.

Master and I have been in this dynamic for most of our relationship, in one form or another. We've been together for nine years now. I know that a lot of people would probably say we jumped into it too soon, that we didn't know one another well enough to really trust the other with that kind of dynamic.

But, and I know this sound corny as hell, we trusted one another almost immediately. It wasn't anything that was talked about, it just happened that way. There seemed to be some unspoken understanding. Plus, at first it was just kinky sex. But it didn't take very long before I had a collar on my neck and He was in charge. In the beginning of that control exchange we didn't live together. When He came over He was in control. When He wasn't visiting I had a list of things I was to do and the rest of the time was my own.

Of course moving in together is a big step in any relationship. We were about two and a half years into the relationship when I moved up here to live with Him.

So needless to say that over the past nine years the power exchange and everything that comes with it seems rather normal.

I don't think we could really function very well as a "vanilla" couple. It's been too long for one thing. We may say we'd drop the dynamic but it would sneak right back in as I would always be looking to Him and He would always be Alpha.

I know that one day, as we grow old together, some of the kinkier things may slack off due to the fact that we get old or whatever. But Him being the Alpha will never change. I just don't think it's possible.

I don't even know how well either of us would function in any vanilla relationship. Gods forbid something happened and we went our separate ways... It just wouldn't work. Almost a decade of Him being in charge and me submitting... yeah. It's pretty much hard wired. I know we react to one another that way instinctively. It's basically on a primal level. So going into a relationship where I didn't have that kind of structure would be fucked up. Him going into a relationship where He isn't in charge... yeah I don't see that happening. I'm not saying we're going to go our separate ways, it's just a thought. Well, more like a fact really. We just wouldn't be ourselves.

Hell, we wouldn't be ourselves without one another. I know that sounds weird but we have this odd symbiotic thing going in a way. We can't even really be our true selves around other people. We always have to hide something. Whether it be our dynamic or our actual thoughts. We've shared so much... We're in deep. I don't want to ever climb out of it. I love where we are. I love the fact that we interact the way that we do. I'm comfortable. I'm happy. I'm perfectly fine right where I am. Hell, I'm more than fine where I am. I'm where I belong. He is where He belongs.

We belong with one another. We're two very weird people that just so happen to fit each other like two puzzle pieces. We're cut from the same cloth even though there is an eight year age difference between us. It's rare that two people who are that much alike and fit so well together find one another. We're lucky and I know that. I try not to take it for granted and I know He tries not to as well.

June 6, 2012


Well, since last weekend was a bust in more ways than one I'm hoping that this weekend is more enjoyable. I know that weekends happen every single week so one iffy one shouldn't be a big deal. But it feels like it to me, at the time. Especially since that is our main time together. I see Him every night, I know I shouldn't be complaining. But on the weekends is when I'm more relaxed, I'm not as sore thanks to my fibromyalgia and all that.

As soon as Wednesday comes around I start thinking about the weekend. We don't really have a lot going on, but that's not really a bad thing. Less expectations.

The main plans are things that just have to be done. We have to go grocery shopping. We have to take our dog to the vet for his yearly check up. Thankfully he doesn't need his rabies shot this year as he got his three year rabies shot last year. Small stuff like that.

We're also thinking about getting a new TV next month. Our current one is older and we don't want it to die and then us have to wait to get a new one. I'm going to shop around online to get some price ideas. I'm not going to buy the TV online, just try and see where the best deal would be.

There is also a movie coming out this month that we both want to go see. It's the Aliens prequel, Prometheus. We both love the Aliens series so we're really excited about it.

Other than that there isn't a lot going on or going to be going on or on my mind. I feel absolutely brain dead right now. I keep typing a little bit and then stopping trying to get a full thought out and onto the screen. I hate it when this happens.

Then again I haven't been sleeping well. My stomach can't seem to make up it's mind if it's upset or not. Last night I got up at least twice. The night before I was up and down most of the night. But tonight I'm not tired. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep through the night tonight.

I've felt sluggish all day and I still feel that way now. I'm not tired. I'm not exhausted. I'm just.... blah.

June 4, 2012

Recovering Hermits

I know that I've been posting a lot about hanging out with our neighbors. I really do. But honestly, it's still really new and I'm still getting used to it.

I know that I've posted that we don't really have any friends anymore. Well, we have three. One lives in Florida and we haven't seen him in about four years because of it. None of us can afford to visit the other and we all understand that. He had moved to Florida shortly before I moved in with Master. The other friend lives a couple of hours away and we seem to enjoy hanging out with him less each time we do see him. The last one is the one getting married in November and we haven't seen much of him recently either, understandably.

Since I moved in though we've pretty much stuck to ourselves. That was true for me in my last apartment and my apartment before that. The last time I had neighbors I actually hung out with was when I was growing up and would play with the other kids on the block.

So, for the past what? Ten plus years I've never been friends with any of my neighbors. And since I moved in here about seven years ago Master and I have been hermits. We only left the apartment to go do day to day shit, visit family, visit a friend or go on a "date". That was it. We hardly ever sat on our porch mainly because we didn't ever bother to get patio furniture.

Then we started sitting outside a little bit just to get out of the apartment. Master started to do that more until eventually, one of the neighbors came up and said hi. Since then we've been out there whenever the weather is nice.

For instance when I came home tonight Master put some chicken on the grill for dinner. We sat on our patio furniture and talked while it cooked. We came inside to eat and as soon as we were done eating we went right back outside.

Three of the neighbors we like, Mike, Cheryl and Angela were out there so we poked our heads up and they invited us down.

We sat there for a good couple of hours and just shot the shit. I enjoy it as long as certain people are out there. The older Mike is a good guy. The younger Mike is hilarious and has like a matching sense of humor for both Master and myself. Cheryl is older Mike's wife and she's hilarious. She reminds me of my dad's previous girlfriend and I loved hanging out with her. Angela is funny too. She is the one that I initially didn't like at all but now I really like talking to her. But I don't have as much fun unless at least there are two or more of the people listed above sitting out there.

So, now we're recovering hermits. So far it's turned out to be a lot of fun.

June 3, 2012

On Hold

Last night was a lot of fun at the bonfire and Master and I had great sex when we got home. But I have been mildly annoyed because we had plans for the weekend. One fell through right away on Friday, which was annoying enough. The second plan was pushed off and pushed off due to the other people involved and it took until today around noon for it to fully fall through. So one of them went south right away and that was irritating because well, fuck. That sucks. The second one pissed me off more because it did take three days to fall through completely because the other people involved didn't call me back and I would have to keep calling them to see what the hell was going on.

So today I've been irritable. I don't mean to take it out on Master and He told me that I've had a bitchy tone and I honestly haven't meant to.

But there were certain things I did during the work week to make it so we could go through with our plans and I was looking forward to it all week.

When the first one fell through eh, it sucked ass. But when the second one took three fucking days to fall through I was more than annoyed. It makes me feel like the entire weekend was put on hold for nothing. Yes, we went down to the bonfire last night but that was after I called the other people and left a voice mail to call me on my cell. Nothing. I figured they would call me back today. Nope. So I call down there twice, no answer and no return phone call. Finally on the third try I get a hold of them and nope.. sorry... not happening.

I know it's not Master's fault and I am honestly not trying to take it out on Him, although my irritability is apparently showing through more than I thought it was.

The other annoying part of it is that now that the second plan fell through completely I have no idea what the hell I want to do. When I make plans I tend to not worry about what to do in case they backslide. Why? Because normally I don't have to worry about it.

So now I basically don't know what to do with myself and when Master asks me I have no fucking clue. Basically the only things I could think of was watch a movie or sit outside some more.

We were outside earlier and it was just too damn hot so we came in to enjoy the air conditioning. It's only been about an hour and a half to two hours and I'm back to not knowing what to do. My options are limited.

I'm doing my post early to just kind of vent it out. It's nothing Master did and it's nothing I did. It's just.... fucking annoying. Master told me to not let it ruin the rest of my day and I'm trying not to but like I said I had everything lined up perfectly and for it to feel like I had been waiting three days to just find out.. nope. Yeah. It sucks ass.

Tug of the Leash

Tonight Master and I went down to the bonfire that our neighbors were having. We pretty much have an open invite so we wondered on down. Part of the problem I have when we go hang out with neighbors is that I have to remember that I can't talk/act like I normally would with Master. It doesn't help that we're still technically at home. Also, the people we used to hang out with knew about our lifestyle so if I "slipped up" a little it was no big deal. But our neighbors don't really have any idea. Well, that's not really true either.

Little side story...

One day Master was outside with Leslie, which is the neighbor that is living with Nicole, which is the bitch that no one likes. I guess he was having a fight with her or something and actually came to Master for advice. Master basically said that His advice only works in certain relationships. Leslie inquired further and Master put it rather simply. He said, "In my house, what I say goes."

So, some of them may have a very, very small taste of how we are.

So I have to make sure I don't call Him Daddy, or if I do I do it softly. I know that can be taken as a pet name but still. I call Him Daddy more than I do Master, so not saying Master isn't all that difficult.

But I still do small things that, if you were in a similar relationship or knew of such things you would know exactly what the hell is going on.

His soda will be on a small table that is closer to me than it is Him. He can reach it without a problem but I will just randomly pick up His soda and hand it to Him. When He's done, rather than putting it on the table, He hands it to me and I put it down. Small things like that do get some odd looks at times but nothing is said about it.

But I know I couldn't just sit there and not do a damn thing. I can act like a normal wife, but I don't really like to. It feels weird to me. It's almost uncomfortable.

We joke and I pick on Him and shit but it's all in play. And I do that anyway so it's not really out of line or out of character. I don't push it too far just because I technically could get away with it at that exact moment.

But to just not do anything that is service orientded would drive me nuts. I do it all the time, even in front of family. I can do those small things in front of family and not feel weird about it. His mother has commented a couple times but everyone else takes it as it's just how we interact. His mother though will make a comment of, "Well He can do it Himself.."

Yeah. That kind of bullshit. One time when she said that I just looked at her, smiled and said, "Well, I have to keep Him happy so He doesn't run away."

Master laughed and she looked like I had just thrown something at her. It was fucking hilarious.

But back to the neighbors.. I am kind of waiting for the day where it all comes to light. Partially because someone may just flat out ask or it'll be something that we just throw out there. Why would we do that? Well, some of the neighbor couples make little comments about their sex lives sometimes and what not and we have hinted a very tiny bit about ours, but aside from that nothing.

Sometimes I really wish we could just get it out of the way by having Master give me an order or for Him to tell me to kneel and I of course would. However, I don't know how some people would take it. Not that I care exactly, but some people may take it to a whole different level of, "Well He must abuse her!" ... "That poor girl!" ... You know that kind of shit.

I know that eventually a few of them will probably pick up on the fact that I take His lead on everything. If He says it's time to go in, I go in. I won't stay down there and hang out by myself. It's not because I would feel uncomfortable, but because when Master says it's time to call it a night I know that means I am to go in with Him.

I may not physically wear a collar anymore but there is a leash none the less. And I love that leash. I need that leash. I think I would honestly feel absolutely lost without it. I know it's always there but I still desire that tug as a reminder. It's a weird, mental security blanket.

If it wasn't for Him and the structure, care and love that He provides I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I really would not know. I'd be lost without Him. I'd be a shell. So that tug of the leash just keeps me in balance. It lets me know that everything is right in my world.

June 2, 2012

Giving In

I know this post will probably show up as a Saturday post, but it's for Friday. It's just a little after midnight right now.

It was a long as hell work day and I didn't sleep very well last night even though I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow. It was one of those toss and turn type of nights. So the work day dragged even more because of it. When I got home I had to meet Master at the bank and take care of some things there. After that we came home and chilled for a little bit. Master went outside to enjoy what little sun there was. Then two of our neighbors came down and sat with Him. I didn't notice any of this as I was dicking around on the computer. Master opens the patio door and asks me if I want to come out. So I went out and sat down with them. It was pretty chilly out though so I ended up going back in to grab one of Master's hoodies.

When I came back out we sat for a little while and talked. They ended up going back to their apartment as it was getting colder. But before they left they asked if we wanted to come to their place a little later. We had only ever been on other peoples patios, not actually in their apartment. But we said we would probably stop down later.

So we did end up going and most of the gang was over. We all had a great time, laughing and joking around. Although towards the end of the night we ended up bitching about one neighbor in particular, Nicole. Everyone hates her and only puts up with her because she's dating one of the other neighbors who hang out.

But... the one thing that kind of surprised me about tonight is that one of the neighbors, Angela, is someone who I at first didn't like at all. Little did I know that the first time I met her she was blasted. I mean like totally trashed and that's why she was being a loud, obnoxious bitch. She also had had a really bad night I guess.

But I've sat and talked with her a little bit since then and decided that she was okay. Then tonight we're sitting over there and her and I actually had our own little conversation going on and off while everyone else was talking. She is actually pretty cool. And she seems to think the same about it. Not in that way, but as a person you hang out with. I wouldn't say we're totally friends or anything like that, but we get along rather well. I'm glad that I didn't just go fuck it I don't like that bitch. Sometimes I do that, but that's when it's on an almost instinctual level of not liking someone. That wasn't true with her. I didn't like her at first because I thought she was only a bit tipsy and acting like that.

I don't get along with a lot of females. But there are two in this apartment complex that I can hang with without a problem now. One is Angela. The other one is Cheryl. She is a bit older. I'd say she's in her mid to late 50's. (No I'm not saying that's old....) She reminds me a lot of my dad's last girlfriend who I really liked.

So I would say out of the group of neighbors that we started hanging out with I really get along with four. The other ones, aside from Nicole, I have a good time talking with but I don't really have a lot to talk to them about.

Master had the right idea of starting to get to know these select neighbors. I know that I was really, really hesitant at first and even a bit annoyed at times. But now? I realize that yeah, I can have a good time and that Master and I can still have our time without interruption. (That's honestly what I was worried about... people always knocking and all that.)