30 Days of Truth - Day 7

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Well this is an obvious one. Master, my loving Husband.

I can't imagine what my life would be like without Him. We met when I was 20, I'm now a few months shy of being 29. He has been there for 90% of my adult life. He is my partner in everything. He is my best friend, someone I can just hang out with and joke around. He is a critical part of my support system. If I didn't have Him to come home to every night, I think I would be absolutely lost.

If it wasn't for Him I probably wouldn't have sought help for my bipolar disorder. Or if I did, it would have taken a lot longer.

He is my mate, my lover, my everything. He gives me what I need and He doesn't judge me. He is the one and only person who knows that deepest, darkest parts of me and yet He loves me still. You can't beat that. There is nothing better in this world than to have someone committed to you who knows You inside and out.

30 Days of Truth - Day 6

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

Oh Gods. There is an endless list of things I hope I never have to do. Most of them are absolute worst case scenarios from hell. Wow. This is somewhat of a depressing question to be honest with you.

*think think think*

Hm. I'm not really sure how to answer this. I know somethings that I hope I never have to do will eventually happen. You know, such things surrounding loves ones passing away. So I can't really post about that.

Well, here is one that I hope to never have to deal with that I actually never think about. However, it is a logical answer in my mind.

I hope I never have to go through a divorce.

In my eyes the only justifiable reasons for a divorce is if one person breaks one of the vows. Falling out of love is one of those since you vow to love and cherish your spouse.

I honestly never see this happening with Master and myself. And I'm not one to "plan for the end just in case" type people. If you plan for it, it will happen.

30 Days of Truth - Day 5

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope to own our own home. I don't want to rent forever. I really, really do not. One of my main goals in my adult life is to buy a condo or a townhouse. I know most people say that they want to own a house. I really don't. It's way too much upkeep. That's what condo association dues are for.... yard work and all that shit. I hated that stuff as a kid and I know that as we get older the winters are going to play more and more hell on our joints. Master and I both have chronic pain so it's going to be more painful as we get older, so I'd rather pay someone to do that. Basically, it just seems more convenient to me and makes more sense to me to buy a condo rather than an entire house.

I want a condo with two bedrooms and at least one and a half bath. Three bedrooms would be ideal, just for extra space and in case people want to crash here; but I have a feeling that probably won't happen. But if I'm going to own a home then I'm going to love the damn place. When I'm renting that's one thing. I look at it as temporary since we are renting. Paying a mortgage payment, to me, makes it a more serious choice to make.

30 Days of Truth - Day 4

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

There are quite a few people I should forgive. But I'm normally a bitch who holds one hell of a grudge. And there are certain people I can never and will never forgive. There are some things, in my opinion that you shouldn't forgive someone for. But since the topic is something you have to forgive someone for... I'll just choose one I feel I have to.

That person is my father and there are many things I have to forgive him for.

I have to forgive him for making my mother cry so many times and scaring her to the point that she had my brother and I go in the basement to watch TV while she turned out all the other lights off in the house so she could hide until he calmed down. My father had one fuck of a temper when he was younger. He has calmed down so much as he's gotten older that it's like he's not even the same person.

I have to forgive him for acting like none of it happened.

I have to forgive him for cheating on my mother for a year before telling her he wanted a divorce. I have to forgive him for acting like their 25 year relationship didn't mean anything. I have to forgive him for hurting my mother so bad that she didn't think she would ever be able to function again.

I have to forgive him for not taking care of my mother after she had surgery. That was up to his mother, my brother, and myself.

I have to forgive him for always putting his cars over giving us family trips. He never took us anywhere unless it was beneficial to his cars. We never had family vacations. He would spend money on taking an eight hour trip one way to buy a windshield but he said we never had money to just go have fun on a real vacation.

I have to forgive him that after he left my mother he decided to sell every single fucking car that he put above us going on a family trip for fun.

I have to forgive him for never wanting to act like my father and only wanting to be my friend. I have to forgive him for acting uncomfortable whenever I went to him with a serious issue. I have to forgive him that when I told him that I am bipolar he acted like it was nothing of significance.

I have to forgive him for making a pattern out of leaving women but cheating on them first. He did it to my mother for the woman he ended up being with for 10 years. He cheated on her for 6 months before telling her to get out of his house. He is now with said woman. Somehow I think, that even at the age of 50, he will repeat this pattern again.

I have to forgive him for not being a good role model. I used to think he was so cool; mind you this was before I really pieced everything together. But as I got older I realized how I didn't want to be like him. I didn't want to be that fucked up when I get to his age.

Why do I have to forgive him for all of this? Because he's my father and I love him. I understand that he has put us through hell and back. I know that he loves me, even though he doesn't always show it. He loves seeing me. He is still my father. He is calmer now. I honestly don't think he could tap into that former self if he tried.

I know that a lot of people wonder why he is still a part of my life. But when I go to visit him I protect myself emotionally these days by treating him like a friend. I don't act like he's my dad. And when I do that, when I treat him just like a friend, I actually enjoy my time. I'm not spending time with my dad, I'm just hanging out with one of my buddies. I don't see him as often anymore, although it doesn't so much have to do with everything I wrote out above, it has to do more with the fact that I hate his current girlfriend.

So there we go... my forgiveness.

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have to forgive myself for not seeking help sooner regarding my bipolar disorder. Granted I didn't know that I was bipolar. But I should have recognized something was up sooner than I did. But because I didn't know I was bipolar and I didn't even know the symptoms of it, I don't really know how I could have known. This is why I have to forgive myself.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was a teenager, but that is worlds apart from bipolar disorder, in my opinion.

So, that's what I have forgiven myself for.

30 Days of Truth - Day 2

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

I love the fact that I am obsessed with body modification. I know that's an odd thing to love about yourself, but I do. I know that some people who get a tattoo as soon as they hit 18 end up regretting some of the tattoos they get over the years. But not me. I love every single tattoo I have. All eleven of them. I think that on some level it makes me a more interesting person.

I find that it's a way to express myself. My tattoos don't tell a story but they do reflect on me and who I am. I love that my body seems to be geared to enjoying the tattoo process. Hell, Master will even tell you that I get turned on by it. Not like the tattoo artist does anything for me or anything. It's the adrenaline rush and all the endorphins being released.

As soon as I get home from getting a tattoo I'm on this endorphin high that makes me want to do nothing but get Master hard and get fucked.

And it's not just tattoos or the body modifications I get myself. It's other peoples too. I like to try and figure out why someone got a certain tattoo or piercing and see what it reflects about them, if anything.

So yeah, that's one thing I love about myself.

30 Days of Truth - Day 1

I was over reading Vixen when I saw that she had borrowed an idea from Impy. It's called 30 Days of Truth. I thought it was a really interesting idea, so I decided I would play along as well! I know that Master will not allow them to be my daily blog posts, so I figured I could just add them to the beginning or end of the post or maybe just do them separately. Either way.

There doesn't seem to be any time limit or anything, so I'll start it off today.

Here are the days:

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02: Something you love about yourself.
Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion- Or what do you think of politics-
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do-
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life- If so, when and why-
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now-
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do-
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

So.. Day 1:  Something you hate about yourself.

I hate that I feel the need to double to triple check things sometimes. I really, really do hate that about myself. It drives me up a wall.

It's not everything. I don't have to double or triple check every little thing I do. But I have a good example. It's when I leave for work in the morning. I'll be all ready to walk out the door when I find myself triple checking things even though I'm 99% sure I did it.

I'll be damn near to the door and then I think to myself, "Okay did I shut the fridge?" I'll walk over there and push on it to make sure it's shut. I walk to the door again and find myself quickly walking back to push on it again. I then find myself shaking my head and getting irritated. It's shut damnit!

Then I'll make sure the computer chair is pushed all the way up to the computer desk. We do this so the dog can't try and climb up into it or use it to reach things on the shelf of the desk, things of that nature. So I'll double check that. Again, annoying as hell.

Finally it comes time to walk out the fucking door. I'll stand there, with the door shut and turn my key to lock the top lock. I lock the bottom lock by turning it before I shut the door. I can see myself turning the damn key. I hear it lock. But as I walk to the outside door I find myself second guessing myself. Did I really lock it? So I'll walk back to the door and jiggle the door handle. Yep. It's locked alright. I walk away again. There have been times where I have gotten out the outside door to just walk right back in to check the lock once more.

It's frustrating and I don't know why I do it. But it's an every work day occurrence. When Master and I are leaving together I don't think about it. We are both doing our thing and normally Master will lock the door while I stand there. I feel no need to double check things when that happens. I only feel the need to when I'm leaving by myself. Yes, I know I'm weird.

Okay, so Day 1 down! Yay me!