April 30, 2009

What I Want

A Subtle Slavegirl asked me in a comment what I want Coyote to do as my Owner. She also asked if anything has changed, as far as what I want, over the years.

Well, for my daily post, I figured this was a damn good topic! So thank you. :-)

The easiest thing for me to do here, is to answer both questions at the same time, kind of. So hopefully ya'll can follow this and it'll make sense by the time I'm done. If I repeat myself, forgive me.

When Master and I first started this path, we were only in the bedroom. Basically it was all about kinky sex. This is not necessarily a bad thing, and it was great. But eventually we both felt that we needed something more. He found Himself giving me orders during every day situations and I found myself looking to Him to tell me what to do. So we did more research, again online, and read all sorts of things. You know, the online BDSM community is kind of like the Bible. It's full of contradictions.

But we did our best to follow it.

It didn't really take us that long to figure out that we don't think like everyone else, and that following it "by the book" wasn't really for us.

And so we began trying to find our own way. We sifted through all the bs and tried different things here and there to see what really did it for us.

Over the years He has gotten more strict and I have had periods of time where I have attempted to rebel against it, or just try to redefine it. Of course the most recent example being just a week or two ago. (It's sort of a blur.) Each time this has happened, I have broke and begged Him to take the reigns again, fully. Why do I break? Because it's what I want. The rebellion leaves me rather quickly and I go, "What the fuck was I thinking?" and come crawling back with my tail tucked between my legs.

Why any of that happens, the rebellion I mean, I'm not sure. I think maybe it becomes to natural and I freak out a bit. It all becomes so familiar that I start to think that hey.. maybe we need to do something different! Only whenever we do that, it never turns out well. I mean we aren't at each others throats or anything, but it feels... uncomfortable. It doesn't feel right at all. And that is why the rebellious stage fades so damn quickly and I always come back to kneel at His feet.

I honestly think this last bout was because so many changes were going on and His ambitions were differing from mine. I had gotten this new job, we were talking about moving, etc.. and I think that was my way of trying to regain some of that control back. Bad fucking move.

Why was it a bad move? Because I don't want the control, at all, when it comes to our relationship. When it's in my hands I look at it like it's a new life form and I have no idea what the fuck it is or what to do with it.

And I think the reason why it never hit me quite the way it did this time, is for a few different reasons. 1. It never went on this long. It was at most a day or two. This was almost a week. Or maybe it was a week. 2. He took the collar and cuff away and I now have to earn them back. And every time I look at myself in the mirror and I see a bare neck I cringe. And every time I touch my neck I shiver because I don't feel that shiny thing around my neck. Every time I look at my wrist, the cuff isn't there. Well you get the idea, I'm sure.

Also I am getting a little older now. When Master and I first started on this path I was 20. Now, I'm 26 and I don't want to be in that young adult rebellious stage anymore. I don't want to test Him, I don't want to push my boundaries. Yes, I did this very recently, but the kick in the tail that this has caused and the meditation I have done on it kind of feels like an intervention of sorts.

I was acting self destructive. I know it hurts me, emotionally and mentally, when I do this shit.. when I try to alter our course.. so why the hell do I do it? Why do I put the man I love through this shit? Ugh. Enough of the drama, ya know?

Oh we'll still have drama, I'm sure. *laughs* Just not that kind. As Master said to me at one point before I asked to change it all back.. "This is it. I'm done. This is the last time. It's getting a little to highschoolish for me." And He was right. It is.

I don't know if I'm just rambling or if I'm actually answering the questions.

Over the years, my wants have changed. I used to want to be able to run to the end of my chain and for Him just to go, "Silly pup," and reign me back in.

Now? I don't want any length of chain. I want to be shackled to Him and His word.

I want Coyote, as my Owner, to take full control.

I want to be told when I'm being good, not just when I'm being bad. And I want to be told I'm a good girl more than just after sex or during sex. Praise is important to me.

I want affection. I need that. I need it very much, because I'm a very affectionate person.

I want Him to form me to His will, even though I know that it won't be a complete overhaul because He loves my thoughts and ideas, and the fact that I think for myself.I love that actually. That He still wants me to be able to debate with Him and have long discussions about many different things. I love that He still wants to joke around with me and be goofy.

I want Him to be able to roll with the changes of life. And thankfully this is one thing He is very, very good at. He can alter things at the drop of a hat to fit whatever situation.

I want Him to love me. Thankfully, He does. Very much. I don't think I could serve Him the way that I do if He didn't love me.

I want Him to realize that sometimes I get stressed out, or I'm in a lot of pain, and take that into consideration. And He does. He won't necessarily alter anything all the time, but He does take it into consideration.

That's about it really. But thank you, because your questions stirred some other thoughts I didn't really want to put here, because well... I wasn't sure how to word them and also I wasn't sure how they would come across. But that doesn't matter, because that's what this blog is for. It's to work through things. :-)

"I Am The Spider"

This song is off of Alice Cooper's latest album. The song is called "I Am The Spider". It includes the Epilouge as well, but I just wanted the song.

It is my favorite one off of the entire album, mainly because it feels like a bump and grind type song.





Vanimp Thinks I'm Sexy

Apparently Vanimp thinks I'm sexy. *smirks* She has given me the Sexy Blogger Award! Whoo-hoo!



"This award comes with some rules. You are to list 5 sexy things about yourself and pass it on to 4 other people."

She is getting me back for having to change her link to my blog twice in a short period of time. My bad. So whether she really thinks I'm sexy or not, I dunno. I think this is a revenge award. *giggles* Although she did call me cute!

So anyway.. here we go.

Five sexy things about me.

  1. My ass. I think I have a sexy ass. Especially when I'm on all fours.

  2. My tattoos. I think tattoos are sexy, there for I think mine are as well.

  3. My scar just above my left breast that Master gave me with a knife. I love that thing. I'm so glad it hasn't faded after all of these years. I do believe it was done within the first year or year and a half of our relationship.

  4. My eyes. I think I have very expressive eyes.

  5. Um... *thinks* Uh... my legs when I'm wearing high heels.


There. That was difficult damnit.

Okay, so who do I give this to. Only four people hm?

  1. Master Coyote - He is very sexy. It's one of the reasons why I married Him. :-D

  2. CarrieAnn - Come on. You've seen her You Tube product reviews.. you know.

  3. A Subtle Slavegirl - I have two words for you... Bitch Boots. *nods*

  4. Lexi - She dances on a pole.. come on now.


So there we go. Thank you Vanimp. :-D

April 29, 2009

Late Night

First I would like to thank Vanimp for giving me the sexy blogger award. :-D I will be doing that tomorrow, because well.. Master and I got home late and I need to crank out my daily post.

First I will get the day to day stuff done. :-)

Last night Master used me for His pleasure and talked dirty to me almost the entire time. I fucking love it when He does that! And we happily passed out curled up together.

This morning we got up and got ready for work. It was a long day for some reason. Probably because this Friday is pay day and don't we all love pay day? (Well except for the taxes part anyway..)

Master picked me up from work and we went home just long enough for Him to take a shower and for me to run one quick errand. From there we headed down to my dad's place. Master wanted to go visit, so we did. We had a mostly good time except for the fact that my father's girlfriend's son (say that three times fast) was throwing a hissy fit and throwing his bike parts all around the damn mud room because his girlfriend couldn't spend the night. Mature 20 year old huh?

Anywho.. We stayed later than we expected, as usual. So we got fast food on the way home and just now got done eating. It's currently 10:30pm and normally during the week we're in bed by 11pm. I have a feeling I'm going to be tired tomorrow, and so is Master.

We're getting along great. I'm doing my best to follow my rules and please Him. I'm glad that I came to my senses. Thank you for the encouraging words and for those of you who updated your links.. again.. :-D Sorry.

Now, on to something that I really don't understand. Drama alert.

You've been warned.

Over on Master's blog, of course He's been posting again. This particular post has gotten some comments that make me go, "Um.. wtf?"

We've been together for six years. In those six years we have had our ups and downs and our what the fuck just happened moments. Thankfully, it's been mainly ups. And then sometimes, one or both of us with throw a wrench into the mix and we both have to correct it.

One particular comment that I love is this: "She’s a submissive, for chrissake, and she will go to any possible length not to blame YOU. She cannot help feeling that if something is wrong, then she is the one to blame. That’s how most submissive are wired. and it’s YOUR job to understand when that’s true and when it’s not."

Love it. Oh, I fully admit I'm the one who sat down and went, "We should change this... again.." He agreed to it because He wants me to be happy, and also wanted to see where it would go. Now, it turned out, as it always does when we had tried to go a different route, that I was miserable that way. And so was He. So we talked again, and fixed it. And now we're back where we belong.

However, just because I am a slave or submissive, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.. does not mean I always think I am the one to blame. In this case, however, I am. Me. *raises hand*

He can be wrong, and yes He's thrown a wrench into the mix a time or two Himself. But it doesn't matter who the fuck is to blame. In a relationship, what you're supposed to do, or rather the healthy thing to do in my opinion, is to fix it together. Not spend time pointing the finger and going, "This is all your fault, you fucking fix it. Not me! Nope! I'm innocent!"

Now sometimes, I admit we may come across that way in our blog posts. I can be all whoa is me, and He can be hellfire and brimstone. But ya know what? It's what the blogs are here for, in part. They are here for us to vent, and to get shit out instead of letting it build and fester and then explode in our faces. Also, it helps kick off conversations sometimes.

However, thank you oh wise perfect stranger for giving me a psych eval that I didn't have to pay for. I appreciate it. May I have my certificate and pretty pills now please?

I understand that when you read a blog, sometimes you get so caught up in it that you feel you know that person, or those people, who are the authors. You think you have it all figured out. But you never really do. You catch a glimpse, you catch a mood, or a thought at that exact moment. It doesn't mean you know them. Sometimes friendships are formed this way. I know I've made a few.

But what goes on after the computer is shut down, and it's just that person, or that couple, alone.. together.. you will never know exactly what is going on. It's impossible to share everything. I'd be here for hours on end trying to catalog every little thing.

Don't get me wrong, I apprecaite most of the comments I get, and even some of the ones Master gets.. even if they don't mesh with what Master and I think or feel. Thank you for stating your opinion. However, when you come across as an online Dr. Ruth jackass, well that's an entirely different thing.

April 28, 2009

Whiplash

Master says I don't, but I think I have whiplash from the blowjob I gave Him yesterday. My neck is killing me, but it was worth it.

Okay, so where to begin really. Master has decided to keep His blog and is posting again.

Yesterday after I was done posting and everything, I had gone over to Him to beg. I'm currently on my period, so I wear a thong all the time. This means that my options for begging are limited, because Master prefers that if I am going to expose myself to Him, that I actually be accessible. So the only option I had was to use my mouth.

It started off as just begging, but quickly turned into a full blowjob. At one point He grabbed the back of my head and fucked my mouth very roughly. But He wasn't moving His hips that much, He was basically bouncing my head up and down at the pace He wanted. I moaned as the pain grew in the side of my neck from the pace, but He kept going. He knows that if it gets to much for me (due to my having neck and shoulder pain all the time) that I'll tap His leg to let Him know.

I didn't tap out though. And soon I had the reward of His cum shooting down my throat.

He says that I "sucked His dick until He was retarded". I don't know if that's a compliment, but I'm taking it as such. *giggles*

I knelt when I was supposed to, I was trying to be on my best behavior to basically show Him this is what I want, and also to apologize for my temporary insanity of yet again wanting to try and redefine this.

Titles don't change anything. Whether He is my Master or my Alpha, it's really all one in the same. I wanted the same thing that I was getting His slave, it's just that for whatever reason I wanted to call it something else. Never mind not a lot had changed, never mind I was still looking to Him for everything.. Why I wanted to call it something else, I don't honestly know. But it doesn't matter. He is my Alpha and He is my Master. Just like He is my mate, my Husband, my friend, and my lover. He is all of these things. The most important aspect of it is that He is the one in control, and I'm simply to do as I am told.

One of these days I'll learn. He has forged His path, all I have to do is follow it. It sounds easy right? Should be. But, of course, every now and again I have to try and complicate things. *shakes head*

I'll learn. Honest I will.

I of course am still with out my collar and cuff. It's been one day. I knew I wouldn't earn them back that quickly. I don't know how long it will take for me to earn them back. And I'm honestly trying not to think about it. He'll put them back on me when He's damn good and ready to do so. Thinking about such things is only going to drive me crazy. The only thing I can do is to do the best that I can. No more. No less.

So after the blowjob, we relaxed and chilled for a while before He said it was time for bed. I laid down next to Him and He played with me for a little while before telling me to go "take care of something". I ventured off to the bathroom and then came back.

He ate me out until I bucked against His mouth and gained permission to cum. He then put me on my back and fucked me, and fucked me hard. He ordered me to cum several times and called me His dirty whore and slut. He pinned me down and asked me if I had missed this. I knew exactly what He meant, and I breathed the word yes. He grinned and pushed into me more.

He was asking if I had missed the not being able to cum at will, with having to wait for His order. He was asking if I had missed being pinned down and roughly fucked. And I had. I had missed all of it.

And even though the sex had been great when I was "just" His beta, something had been missing. The forcefulness, the orders, the whole.. feel to it I guess that we've both come to love and expect when we fuck.

It seems that He is pleased with me, for the moment. That's all I can hope for. I put Him through a lot of bullshit since the 21st. Why the hell He puts up with me sometimes, I'll never know. But I'm glad He does.

April 27, 2009

He Always Knows

Somehow, some way, He always knows.

He knew that when my restlessness kicked in that I would bring up the fact that I thought we should alter how we do things, as far as our dynamic. And He was right, I did. And yes, once we had that conversation, my restlessness left me.

And then, after that, and after He had talked about shutting down His blog, and I had changed the name and URL of mine, He knew that I would come back to this again.

I don't know what it is, but there have been times over the years, where I have wanted to alter what we do and how much say I have and how much control He has, and yet every single time we end up back here. Back with me kneeling at His feet saying, "Lead me Master."

The past few days (since April 21st to be exact) we have been fine. I mean we didn't fight, we didn't argue, we enjoyed one another, we fucked, etc. And yes, things seemed to feel smoother. But there was also this underlying feeling of.. wtf?!

I would pause when I would go to do things that I normally had to ask permission for. And He would pause when He wanted to give an order for me to do something.

And the few times I did "slip", and ask Him for permission He would say something like, "Why are you asking me?" or "I don't care."

And when He would say such things it would feel like a cut, and it would burn. And I couldn't understand why. Why would it burn if this is what I wanted? To not have to seek permission.. Interesting.

And then even though I didn't have to I would beg, or clean Him off during sex. I would kneel at His feet. Not simply out of habit, although I'm sure that's part of it, but also because I felt like I needed to. There was something driving me to do so.

And also, why the hell was I still wearing my cuff and collar? I wasn't a slave anymore.. wtf. Yes, they have sentimental value, but each time I thought about taking them off my stomach would do a flip.Weird.

So last night it all came to a head. He said how He felt more like an Alpha as we were before. He then said that if I had just done as I was told, we wouldn't be in the situation we are in now. The situation, of course meaning that I was looking to Him to lead, to order, and He wasn't doing it and I was sitting there stupified.

So I cried. The words stung because He was right. Yes, He can be slack with the leash, and I tend to run with it when He does. We're both at fault in that case. But when He wasn't being slack, I would still try to run until I was yanked back. I wasn't listening. I wasn't following my Alpha.

So He told me that the ball was in my court now. I had to decide what the hell we were doing.

So I went into the bedroom by myself, and cried a bit more and hugged my stuffed animal. Eventually I came back out into the living room and we talked a bit more, although it had nothing to do with anything.

So He said it was time to go to bed. And I followed Him into the bedroom. I laid down next to Him and we talked some more, this time about what I wanted. He had already told me He was happier with me being the slave, and Him being the Master. I knew what made Him happy.

And so I told Him I wanted things to go back to the way they were, and I cried some more, and apologized for always fucking things up. He held me and let me calm down a little bit before telling me what He had to say.

He told me that if this is what I want. If I want to be His slave, that we need to stop always coming to this place where we try and change things. Why? Because we always end up going, "We need to go back."

We were here not that long ago. It was almost a year ago I think. It was before my punishment ticker had gone up. So it was over 8 months ago. And last time He told me that the collar would come off if we got to this place again.

And so He told me that if I wanted to prove to Him that this is what I want, and that I'm not going to "take it back" again in a year, that the collar and the cuff had to come off. And that once I had shown Him that I am serious, and that I can listen, He'll give them back. But not before then. He told me it could be a week, it could be a month, 6 months, or even a year.. but I had to earn them.

And so I agreed.

He is my Master. I am His slave. Why I ever try to deny or change that I'll never know. The collar and cuff are sitting on our dresser. I cried a lot when He took it off. And He held me more and told me it was not a punishment, that He was not angry with me, that He loves me.

And so today, when I got up to get ready for work, I knelt at His feet and He told me to go get ready. I started getting ready, and just as I was about to get dressed He was walking past me in the living room and I stopped and gave Him a big hug. And He grabbed my hair and forced my head back and kissed me roughly, and I melted.

And when I got home from work (B took me home so Master could run errands immediatley after work) I got undressed, knelt at His feet and He grabbed my throat. He commented on it. He said, "So this is what a bare neck feels like." I'll admit I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and I looked down. He smiled at me as He forced my face back up and said, "It's not a bad thing."

And He's right. It's not. I'm still His slave whether the collar and cuff is on or not, but I'm huge on symbols.. and those mean a lot to me. They are literally a half step behind my wedding ring.

But all day I have felt naked, and basically vulenrable. And not in a good way. But this is what He wants, and I can't say that I can blame Him. I've brought us here before, and again I'm begging to be let back in as His slave and to for Him to please take full control again. He wants the games to end. And so do I.

As a side note, you may have noticed that I have changed my URL and my blog title back to what they were. To those of you who had already updated your links, I'm sorry for the inconvienance here. But this blog title, and blog URL are here to stay.

April 25, 2009

Rainy Day

Today, again we were going to all of our errands, but it was raining and we got lazy.

But it was kind of weird. When we woke up it was raining really hard and it thundered a few times. Then it didn't look like it was raining at all, and then it would come back in full force again. So we were like, "Um.. do we do this or not?!"

Well, we ended up only running one errand today. We'll be doing the rest tomorrow. After we were fully awake and convinced ourselves to head out, we went out to the Harley Davidson store where I got His belt at. I needed a new spring jacket. You see, Coyote has a denim jacket, a regular leather jacket, and a full length leather trench.

I only have the one leather jacket, which is rather heavy since it is intended to be my winter jacket. Now some might ask why the hell we go to a Harley Davidson store for jackets and belts when um, ya know.. we don't own a Harley or any motorcycle for that matter.

I love motorcycles. I always have. Coyote wants one eventually. He wants a Harley. (Well actually He wants an Indian, but we'll never be able to afford one. So Harley it is.) We like Harley things, especially the apparel. And seriously, it might as well be a name brand in apparel these days. Call us posers, or wanna bes, or what have you. I don't care. I like the damn clothes. :-p

They are a bit expensive however, so I try not to go to that store all to often cause I find a lot of things I want. From chaps, to tank tops.. you name it basically. However, when I want a jacket I want it to last a while, so I figured Harley was a safe bet.

The last spring jacket I got was from Coyote's mother. She bought it from the Gap (a store I hardly ever shop at because I feel like yuppies are going to attack me once they discover I'm not one of them) and I had it less than a year. The buttons all came off and the zipper no longer works properly. *shakes head* This is another reason I don't shop at the Gap unless I'm basically desperate for something that will fit and it's work clothes.

Coyote helped me pick this jacket out. I was originally looking at some nylon type jackets.. but He pointed out some denim ones. I haven't owned a denim jacket since.. oh Gods.. probably 7th grade? Meanwhile He loves denim jackets. He's always had one. So I found on in my size and tried it on. It fits perfectly. The cut is very nice. I instantly fell in love with this jacket. The sticker shock hit me a little bit, but oh well. It's mine now!

While we were there, and I think what triggered it was the fact that He saw me buying a denim jacket... He stated that "soon" He'll need a new denim jacket. The one He has is oh hell... at least 10 years old. So basically He's had that jacket longer than He has known me. So I looked across the aisle to the men's section and said, "Well they have male denim jackets." So we mosey on over and ta-da.. instantly He finds one He likes and that fits Him. Done deal.

So we check out and basically He had taken my word on it as far as Him looking damn good in His new denim jacket. So once we got home He tried it on and agreed with me.

So lets hope the weather gets nice so we can start wearing them. :-D

The rest of the day has been spent at home relaxing and enjoying our time together. We watched a movie and I watched Him play video games for a little while.

We're doing great. We havn't had any moments of awkwardness really, and in fact Coyote mentioned the fact that we actually seem to be getting along better than we have in quite some time. That made me smile, and I fully agree.

We both have pressure headaches today, but we haven't been mood with each other or snapped at each other. Which is some what odd, because pressure headaches instantly put us in bad moods.

So it seems that our change in roles has helped in many ways. I'm so glad that we had talked about it and decided we don't need to fit into a box, we can do our own thing. We can do what we originally set out to do. And I'm loving it.

Coyote has not decided whether or not to keep His blog. He has said that He would need to change a few things on it. I told Him I, of course, would help Him. I'm hoping He continues to blog. I know I'll miss it if He closes it down. And I think, in a way, He would as well. But we shall see.

April 23, 2009

30 Days

It's hard to believe honestly, but today marks 30 days at my new job. They had me fill out a new hire survey on how my first 30 days went. Two more months to go, and I'll have passed my 90 days.

I don't know if everyone does this, but I'm a lot more relaxed once I'm past the 90 days mark at a job. I don't really know why, because of course they could fire me anytime.. not just within my first 90 days. *shrugs*

Work was rather slow today. Hopefully tomorrow will go faster. Coyote and I will be doing our weekly routine of going out to eat, so I'm excited about that. I mean, we don't ever go to a fancy place.. it's just not our thing ya know? And we can sit at home and talk while we eat. I guess I just enjoy it.

This Sunday we're going to our friend's house for dinner. It's just something to do. We don't like this friend's wife, so that sucks. It's a good thing all of Coyote's friends like me. I don't think I'd feel comfortable around someone who was His friend and yet couldn't stand me.

Things at home have been going great. We've been relaxed and joking around. I asked Him if it was okay that I still call Him Daddy, and He said that was fine. I like calling Him Daddy, because I still look at Him as my protector. I always will, I'm sure. And He still calls me whore, slut, baby girl, etc. :-D

As soon as we were done eating dinner tonight I suddenly felt very tired. I hate when that happens. And I'm not sure why I feel so tired, because I slept well last night. I slept all night, and I fell asleep rather quickly. Ugh. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday. I like my job, but I look forward to the weekends just like everyone else. Plus I'm still grooving on having two days off in a row each week.

April 22, 2009

Interesting And Yet Funny

Okay so only one particular thing was funny today, but I'll get to that in a minute.


Last night after we were done talking, and we had each done a blog post, we retired to the bedroom. We laid down together and relaxed for a bit and then Coyote got to biting my neck after I was stroking His cock, and it all went up hill from there. ;-)


It was the first time, in quite some time, where I did not have to wait for permission to cum. It was a little odd at first, just letting it build and go without having to "hold it". But nothing seemed taken away, in fact sensations felt heightened, at least to me. I don't know if it's because we had been talking and we both felt relieved, or what. But it was wonderful.


Afterward, we curled up and fell asleep.


This morning I got up and B took me to work. He is the friend that knew about our lifestyle, and would sometimes be an active participant, although that hasn't been for quite some time. (A little over two years ago I would say.)


Well I told him, on the drive to work, about the changes that have taken place. I swear you would think I shot his dog, if he had one. Seriously.


You see he had been building something kinky and I think the first thing that went through his mind was that he wasn't going to get to test it out. That was the funny part of the day.


Anywho.. Coyote picked me up from work and once we got home He took His shower, I took care of the dog, and then ran to the gas station.


It's been a pretty relaxed evening. We watched Fringe and now Coyote is watching a movie.


Some news related to the blog. I have changed the title to "Kitten's Paw Prints". Simple. Short. And to the point. I like it. So I also changed the URL to http://kittenspawprints.com


So if you would like to update your bookmarks and links, if you have them, I would really appreciate it. The old links will still bring you here, but after the year is up on pawprintsinslavery.com I'm going to let it expire. Just a head's up.


I do plan on keeping the blog. I enjoy it to much. I like getting my thoughts out, even if they don't make a lot of sense or I'm just rambling.


Coyote has not decided whether or not He is going to keep His blog. We shall see.

April 21, 2009

Changes

Through conversations a lot can come out into the open, and it can even open up doors that you didn't even think were there.

First we had a very long conversation on Sunday. From there we felt some things had been resolved but not everything, apparently. I still had that restless feeling and He still felt like there was more to be said. It was just that neither of us knew what that was.

And so this evening, after I got home from work, we decided to talk. We had not been communicating very well through out the day on the phone and we both felt way off to one another.

Eventually we got to the meat of the matter. We love each other very much, and we are mates above and beyond everything else.

However..

When we first started this path of Him being the Master and I being His slave, we already had a jumping off point. And that jumping off point was the fact that we naturally interacted as Alpha and beta. Basically I looked to Him to lead, but I also had a say in some things and wasn't punished.. etc and so on. And by not punished I mean He may nip at me, but I didn't have a belt going across my ass and sleeping on the floor.

If you know the workings of a wolf pack Alpha and beta, you get the general idea. You might want to call it Head Of Household or some thing like that. I honestly don't know, because I don't know much about that dynamic.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

You see back when we first started dating and noticing that we were acting this way we weren't sure what the hell to call it. You say and Alpha/beta dynamic and people cock their heads at you and wonder what kind of drugs you're on and why you're not sharing.

So we researched it, as I'm sure as most do, on the internet and we found a dynamic called Master and slave. It shared some of the ideas that we were already doing and then added a bunch of other things into it.. That is if you wanted to fit that little box. Granted there are a million ways of doing it but still when you get those people into a room together, it's mostly.. "You're doing it wrong".. and "No you shouldn't do that."

Like if I were to push back or become bratty, I was being a bad slave and should kiss His feet and beg for forgivness. However on the flip side of that coin if He tried to regain control, He was being to hard on me and should take my feelings into consideration. Meanwhile we'd both look at all that and go, "Um.. isn't that the point of this whole thing?"

And it just got way out of control.

We were trying to live up to some sort of standards, whether real or imagined. We would get comfortable and become lax in our "positions" and honestly, we would have more fun during those times. And then one or both of us would go, "Oh yeah.. we're supposed to be doing this," and then we'd talk about it and get back into that groove just to end up back in that comfortable situation.

And Master didn't always want full control. Some days the poor guy just wants to sit back and relax and not have to worry about holding the damn leash. And sometimes I would want to just relax and go, "Can't this slip just for a little while?" But see, we'd drive each other nuts because we were like "No damnit. This is what should be going on and it's not!!! Ahhh!!!"

So tonight while talking we decided fuck it. We love each other, we're sick of beating our heads into a wall. We would try to "correct" it and then we'd be fine for a while and then we'd eventually end up back at square one with yet another conversation, going round and round in these fucked up loops.

So we're taking it back to basics. He's my Alpha and I am His beta. He takes point lead, and I'm there to follow but can also do things for myself. I'm not sure how well I can explain this right now because it's going to take some getting used to on both of our ends. I mean you spend almost 6 years trying to make something it wasn't originally intended to be and well.. you go back to what it was and it's bound to take some getting used to, ya know?

A good example about why this was driving us nuts is because it was always the little things that were tripping me up. He'd get slack or I'd get comfortable and I'd forget to beg or scent and He was sick of having to always get on my case about it, when we've been here so many times before.

And yet I could do the major things. For instance, I know He recently brought up the situation where He had me sleep with one of His friends while He was there. Well yeah, I didn't fight that cause 1) it was out of the ordinary, and 2) it was something I trusted Him with. Although He was just making a comparison showing that something so big was something I didn't fight at all, and I would fight Him about the little stuff. He wasn't upset because I didn't fight the big thing (sleeping with His friend) He was upset because it was the little things that I was fucking up on.

So now where do we stand? Well we're fine. In fact I think we're better than we have been in quite some time.

He is taking a break from His blog and I am planning on keeping mine. Although as I'm sure some of you may have noticed I have changed a few things. I got rid of my Dear Kitten page. I also got rid of the disclaimer. Why? Those things don't really apply anymore. I have also renamed the blog, for now, to simply "Kitten's Paw Prints". I haven't changed the URL because well, I don't wanna pay for that right now and I'm not sure what title I want permanently. I also took down the punishment ticker. (It had gotten past 8 months.) Why? Because there is no need to keep track of such things now.

I am no longer "required" to post, however I like it. I have a feeling a lot of people are going to stop reading here because it doesn't fit the whole "M/s" or "D/s" category. And I'm okay with that. I want to continue blogging. There is a lot of history here, and no matter what category, if any, it fits under now.. it's our history. And I would like to continue recording our future.

I'm sure we'll still have "kinky" sex and all that. Why? Because no matter what we enjoy it. So there, and such. ;-)

I'm still His Kitten. It's a term of endearment, always has been. And I'm sure you've noticed that I'm still capitalizing the H in He and Him. That's habit, and a sign of respect in my eyes after all these years. I don't know if I'll keep doing it. But one thing I do know for sure is I do have a deep respect for my Husband, and I love Him very much.

Also, I still have on the Eternity Collar and Cuff. He told me I could treat them more like jewelry now. I can Him to take them off. (I'm not talented enough to use an allen wrench by myself.) Plus they hold sentimental value. My Husband gave these to me. The collar was for my 24th birthday right before we got married, and the cuff was for Christmas last year.

So my restlessness is gone. Literally, as soon as we were done talking, it felt like it just left me completely.

I think during this time we kept trying to make something that we were both extremely comfortable with into something it wasn't. Don't get me wrong, we had a lot of fun and I don't regret a minute of it. But I think we'll both be more relaxed now and happier.

People say you have to work for things that are worth it. That is true. But then again, making something into what it is not meant to be is more harmful to the situation than it is helpful.

We, as a couple, as mates, and as Husband and wife are worth working for. Something that we can never seem to "get right", is not.

So my Alpha, my mate, my Husband, a new path has been started and I love You very much.

April 20, 2009

Long Monday

Last night Master got a call from one of His coworkers telling Him that He had to start work at 4am tomorrow (meaning today). Well we had both slept in somewhat late, so we knew we wouldn't be able to fall asleep very early in the evening.

So instead we went to bed around our usual time of 11pm. Master ended up waking up a little before 3am (before the alarms even went off) and had me reset the alarms for myself before allowing me to drift back off to sleep. I tossed and turned mostly after He left. I can't sleep very well after He gets out of bed and I know it's going to be a long day for Him.

B picked me up and took me to work. On the way there, Master called and said to inform B that he may need to pick me up from work as well because Master wasn't sure how the day was going to go. B said that was no problem, and basically just to let him know one way or the other.

So about half way through my work day Master calls me and tells me that He is on His way home, but that He is having to concentrate to see straight, because He was overly tired. So I told Him to stay home because I didn't want Him pushing Himself or getting into a car accident just to come pick me up.

So I waited for about a half hour after I got out of work for B to pick me up and take me home. Once I walked in the door I asked Master what He wanted to eat, and then headed back out the door. We were supposed to go grocery shopping on Sunday, but then we had gotten into that really long conversation, and then we were supposed to go today but that was before we knew that He had to work at 4am. So tomorrow it is.

Once I got home we ate our dinner and watched a movie. Now Master is trying to relax by playing video games. And for some reason I'm just knocked on my tail. I don't know what it is, maybe the weather. Today was just one of those uck days. I didn't really have a lot of energy today and I still don't. Then again I also forgot to take my daily vitamin, so that could be playing a part in it as well as the weather.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll have a bit more energy and feel better.

April 19, 2009

Conversations

Yesterday, after my blog post, Master and I were just relaxing and I had gone over to Him to beg and we ended up fucking right there on His recliner. That was pretty hot.

After that we tried to figure out what we wanted to do the rest of the day. So we ended up having B up for a while and went out to dinner and relaxed. He didn't end up going home until almost 1am. But we all had a good time.

Master and I slept in until almost 11am today. That turns out to be not that great of a thing because He got a phone call today saying He had to be to work by 4am, which means He needs to get up at 3am. Hopefully He'll only have to work an 8 hour day and then be able to come home and relax before picking me up from work.

Anyway.. Today after we woke up we decided to do His laundry. I hate doing laundry here, but it's cheaper and less boring than going to a laundry mat. The reason why I hate doing laundry here is because there are always people apparently forgetting they have laundry down there and leave it in the washers and/or dryers for about two to three hours. Personally, I find it rude to move other peoples clothing out of the washers and dryers, so I normally leave it alone. However, apparently they have no problem moving our laundry.

For instance today some cunt moved Master's clothes out of the washer. Now, I know how long the washers here take. I've lived here for almost four years. So I make sure to go down there and switch the loads over as soon as that time is up. So at that time, I went downstairs and there were His clothes placed onto a table. And they were partially dry, which means that they had been sitting there for a while. Which also means that this cunt stopped the load and took the fucking clothes out.

As I've said previously, it is cheaper to do laundry here than at a laundry mat.. but still I'm paying to clean the fucking things. So it not only pisses me off that it was stopped, but also it pisses me off because that's my money this person is messing with. She never seems to be down there when I go down there. I know who is doing it, in so far as I know what she looks like. But I don't know which unit she is in or anything of that nature. Plus I don't want to call the landlord and complain about this, mainly because we are supposed to be adults and you would think adults would know how to act. They are landlords, not parents, ya know?

So I told Master about this and I had gotten His clothes washed again in a new washer and then into the dryer. He said the next time that happens to go ahead and pull her clothes out, put ours back in and He'll go sit down there with His book and wait for when she comes back down. So that is what I shall do next time. I also told Master I want to start doing laundry during the week, so there will be less occurrences of this sort of thing. He said that was fine.

Enough about laundry. After it was done, Master and I sat in the living room and had a very long conversation. We talked about how I seem to be changing. I mean, I'm still doing what I am supposed to be doing as His slave and everything.. but He's right. I'm changing.

I don't know what it is. And I don't know why it's happening. But I mean, we've been together for 6 years now. He's changed and I am changing. He is not the same person I met in a mall six years ago, and I am not the same person He met. We love each other very much, and no there is no talk of divorce or anything of that nature.

But we did talk about how we have different ambitions. We talked about how we seem to want different things right now. I want to move, He sees it as a risk and a chore, as well as a hassle, but He says the only other option that we have is to get a second car. And really the only kind of car we could afford is one we can buy outright, that we'd probably have to shove a lot of money into. Plus moving just makes more sense.

I see it as a fresh start for us. We've never had a place together that was just ours. And for some reason that is important to me. My old apartment, before I moved up here, was the one that I had lived in with my ex. This apartment was one that He lived in with His ex. Granted they were not together at the time, but the fact remains.

He sees it more as a hassle because He hates moving. He also does not want to move into another rental property. He would rather wait until we could afford to buy a place.

And I understand He is sick of renting. And so am I in all honesty, but I know that we will not be able to afford to buy a condo or town home for quite some time. We do not have the means, nor do we have the credit. And I do not want to be here that long. I've wanted to move since shortly after I moved up here, mainly for the reason stated above. And He wanted to as well, but as I've said He sees it as a hassle. The packing, the unpacking, getting everything situated and figuring out where things are going to go.

I also told Him that the restlessness is still with me. As I said, I want a fresh start, such as a place of our own that only we have lived in. And I said there feels like something more that I want to change but I have no idea what. It is just something inside of me yearning for new things, new beginnings.

And again there is no talk of divorce or anything like that. I don't mean new beginnings without Him. I mean new beginnings with Him. I love Him very much. He is my mate, and my Husband.

The new job helped. The talk of moving has me excited but when Master gets that look on His face that tells me He doesn't want to talk about it, it would crush me. So as we were talking about it today He says He does have a plan in motion to start setting money aside. He also told me that He does not want to hear anything about the moving idea until June. This gives Him time to figure out His plan for the finances. I said that I wouldn't.

As far as the other things that I want for new beginnings and changes, I have no fucking idea. It's that frustrating? Having this feeling inside of you that is strong and feels so sure, and yet you have no idea what it pertains to or why it is there? I mean the moving is part of it yes, and I know the job was as well, but other than that? I don't know.

After our conversations we sat back and relaxed. We're just fine, He's just trying to help me figure this out. Perhaps the move is the only thing left and if it happens, this feeling will leave me. I don't know honestly. Perhaps I'm reading to much into it and thinking there is something else besides the job and the apartment. Who knows.

April 18, 2009

I'm Annoying Myself

Yeah. That's right. I'm annoying my damn self.

You see ever since Master and I started talking about moving when my job moves, I've been excited about it. And when I get excited about a certain subject I start thinking about it. A lot.

I've been thinking about time frames. Like, how far in advance should we move? When should we look at apartments? How much money should we save up to move? Etc and so on.

Then I start wondering about what is going to go wrong. :-| This is the part that sucks. I wonder if we won't be able to find an apartment we like. Or we do find one, but they won't allow our dog. You know, basically what can go wrong with the whole thing. And that is when I start to annoy myself.

I also try not to annoy Master with all these thoughts. Why? Because He's one of those people that takes things as they come. Mean while I am the type of person that tries to think about a year in advance. Bah. That does not mesh well all the time. Because I'll want to talk about the moving and He'll be like, "Baby, it's a ways off. Chill."

And so I attempt to chill. But He does agree that we have to start saving up for it. You know, the security deposit, first month's rent, pet deposit, u-haul.. etc.

Someone asked me why I would move for the job, since there is no guarantee that I'll keep this job. Well, that's simple. We've been wanting to move anyway and there are jobs that I'm sure I could find out there as well.

Enough about that for now.

Yesterday was a bit crazy.

We both went to work and Master did not have a good day at work. He picked me up from work and vented on the way home. From there Master took His shower and sent me on a few errands. After that we went down to my dad's house.

I don't know what it is about that place, but whenever we go down there, we end up staying longer than we realized.We had a good time though. Master and my father get along really well. You would think they were buddies rather than father-in-law and son-in-law.

So we stayed down there until almost 10:30pm. On the way home we went to a resturant and had a really late dinner. When we got home we watched a movie, which I ended up falling asleep during. Not because it was a bad movie, but because I was exhausted.

So we went to bed and passed the hell out.

Today Master was awake before I was, although I didn't exactly sleep in late either. At least it was later than 6:30am. So that works.

What are we doing today? I have no clue. It's been a lazy morning, which isn't a bad thing. I'm sure we'll figure something out to entertain ourselves though.

April 16, 2009

Another Long Day

Master and I ended up passing out shortly after going to bed last night. At least I slept the entire night for a change.

Today we both got up and got ready for work at the same time. B picked me up and took me to work. We ended up getting there really early, by like a half hour, because B had picked me up a bit earlier than usual. Why? I have no idea. So I just had another cig before heading into work.

I was really busy today, but even with that it felt like the day dragged and I really have no idea why. Normally, when I'm busy the day will fly by. Not today. It's one thing for it to drag when you don't have a lot to do. It's another thing for it to drag and for you to be very busy.

But tomorrow, since it's a Friday, should be a rather slow work load. But hopefully it'll still go by at a decent rate.

Master didn't have a chance to take a shower before picking me up from work today. So that's the first thing He did once we got home. I took care of the dog and then ordered pizza because we felt like being lazy since we both had long days. We need to go grocery shopping this weekend though.

We tried making some plans with one of our friend's but he said that next weekend would work better for him. So we shall see. At this point in time we have no idea what is going on this weekend. That's not necessarily a bad thing mind you. And tomorrow is pay day for the both of us. Yay! We are now on the exact same pay schedule. Once every two weeks, always on Fridays. So at least we both have set pay schedules now that don't fluctuate unless there is a holiday in there.

I also mailed off a request today to have the vested value of my 401k from my old job sent to me in a check. Yes, I know.. I should be thinking about retirement and all that.. but seriously.. we need the money now rather than later. Plus at the rate I was losing money in that damn thing I don't think I'll ever put my money in a 401k again. I can do basically the same thing by setting aside a little money into an intrest baring savings account and not have to worry about how the stocks are doing. I didn't sign up for a 401k at my new job. The last one I had left a bad taste I guess.

So anyway, hopefully I'll have that money soon and be able to set it aside. The representative I talked to at the bank that holds the 401k said it's processed withing 3 to 5 business days of receiving the paperwork. So I'm giving it about 2 weeks before I call them and start going, "Where the hell is my money?"

April 15, 2009

Afternoon Loving

Well today Master had to get up at 4:30am. So I woke up just enough to make sure He was out of bed and to reset the alarms for myself. Master kissed me goodbye and He headed off to work.

I didn't sleep very well after He left. So needless to say we're both very tired.

However after He picked me up from work, and we made a quick stop to pick up a few things, we went home. Now the routine when I walk in the door is to put everything away (if there is anything to put away that is), help get the dog situated (we have to put him in the bedroom whenever we leave so we have to move his food and water bowls back), and then get undressed. I'm naked whenever we're home alone, unless Master wants me in lingerie.

So we got all that stuff done and I was standing in the living room and had just taken off my shirt and bra. Master was already naked. He's always naked when we're home alone as well. We're nudists, kinda. So He walks up behind me and pressed His crotch into the back of my jeans and started rubbing my tits.

I was going on about how the shirt I had worn today already had fuzzies on it, and He was just nodding, pretending like He was listening. *laughs* It wasn't that I didn't appreciate the attention. It's just that I thought He was going to do that for a little while and then tell me to go relax on my slave mat.

Well nope. Not today.

He soon ran His hands along my stomach down to the button of my jeans. He ran His fingers along the edge for a moment and then unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans. He shoved His hands down there and started rubbing my clit. I rested my head against His chest and He stopped what He was doing, smacked me on the ass, and told me to finish getting undressed and meet Him in the bedroom.

I did as I was told and when I walked in He was kneeling up on the bed. I laid down in front of Him and He roughly entered me. He was relentless. He pounded into me and ordered me to cum over and over again. After allowing me to cum several times He told me to be a good slut and get my ass up in the air.

So I got on all fours and bowed my lower half down, and cocked my ass in the air. He again entered me and bounced me off of His cock until ordering me to cum with Him. After I cleaned Him off and scented myself He told me to go back into the living room while He fixed the bed.

We had dinner and now we're both just kind of brain dead and trying to stay that way. We're home damnit, we don't have to think if we don't want to! So there, and stuff. *giggles*

April 14, 2009

Yes Master, It Was A Long Day

Master did a post stating that today seemed like a long day. I have to say that I agree. It really wasn't all that long, it just feels like it.

Master and I got up at our normal time of 6:30am and got ready for work. B picked me up and took me to work. Once I was there I had about 20 minutes to kill before I actually started work. Traffic wasn't as bad this morning for some reason.

So anyway, on and off through out the day Master left me voice mails saying that He missed me and that He was just kind of down in the dumps. In fact on one voice mail message He said, "I just called because I wanted to hear your voice, even if it was just your voice mail recording."

*swoons* How sweet is that? I love Him.

Well on my lunch break there was another voice mail from Master, so I called Him and left Him one. He had stated that He wasn't sure if He was going to get out of work late today or not. So I asked Him in the message to please let me know if I should try and get a ride home from B or not.

He called me around 4pm and told me to call B and see if he could take me home because He was still at the job site. So I called B, he said that was fine. So I called Master and let Him know that I had a ride and that I would just see Him at home.

B dropped me off at home and once Master got home I ran out and got us dinner. Since that time we have just been relaxing at home. I put on a body stocking so I would look nice for Master. Although we're both sore and tired tonight. On top of that He has to get up at 4:30 in the morning so He can go to work for some bullshit saftey seminar that starts at 7am and is a two hour drive away.

But Master has been pleased with my lately. He says I have been good, and that from now on as far as my slave meditation is concerned that He will just let me know day to day if I should do it. I clarified if I should ask each night if He wants me to ask if I should meditate or not. He said that no, He would just say something if He feels I need it. I wanted to try and cover all the bases so I don't some how get myself in trouble. That would suck.

So Master says no meditation tonight. Apparently, I've been good. Yay!

April 13, 2009

Search Terms - Part 3

I've done this twice before. (You can see the posts here and here.) Basically what I do is I show you guys what search terms lead people to my blog. Some of them are right on par, and others... well they make you go "What in the name of all that is unholy?!" So here goes!

paula abdul submissive master - This is one of those "What in the name of all that is unholy" things, as I'm sure you could already tell. I did a double take when I first saw this one cause I didn't think I had read it right.

shaved pussy "how to" "landing strip" - Um.. you get a razor.. and then like.. you shave it and stuff.

rabbits paw prints pictures - I'm sure they clicked off this site rather quickly. Hopefully they weren't searching this while at school or work. If so, I'm sorry.

how to clean kitten shit - Okay. How many times do I have to say we're not into scat play. Ew. Nasty. Yuck. And by the way, if you're a cat owner and you don't know the answer to this question, you probably shouldn't own the cat. Seriously.

landing strip over cunt - Well where else would it be? Wait. Don't answer that. For the love of God don't answer that.

my ass hurts when i have an orgasm - Sucks to be you. Although you might want to see a doctor about that.

blog master punish - The Master of punishing blogs! *dun dun dun*

never allowed to cum - Never is a long time. I think I would shrivel up and die.

master told slavegirl follow in store fu - Um. Okay then. Sure.

used to rough own hand orgasm - I don't understand what this is supposed to mean.

Okay I think that's enough for now. I don't know what I wanted to do this post, but I did. So there ya go. :-)

Um.. Yeah.

I couldn't think of a blog post title. So that's all I could come up with.

I was reading Kaya's blog today and she posted about how long she has been blogging. This made me realize that as of March 28th I have been blogging for two years. I started over on Blogger, but then made the move here. I think it was a smart move. :-) I like it here. I can't believe I've been blogging for two years already. And some how, some way, I always find things to post about. It helps that it is required of me though. ;-)

Master has been blogging since September of 2007. I'm really glad that He blogs as well. We talk constantly, but there is just something about the written word, ya know?

Today Master had to get up at 5:30am so He could get to work by 6:30am. His alarms went off and He kissed me goodbye. I dozed on and off until my alarms went off at 6:30am.

Today went smoothly at work for both myself and Master thankfully. He didn't get the job at my company, but that's okay. He still has His job, which is more than a lot of people can say right now.

Master got out of work at 2pm so He had some time to relax before coming to pick me up from work. Once He picked me up, it didn't take long to realize how slap happy He was. He was goofy and hyper, yet you could tell He was tired.

He still is that way right now. It's funny. We've been joking around all evening. It's been great. And we watched Lelo and Stitch today. Yes, it's a Disney movie. But it's hilarious.

After we watched that I crawled over to Master and gave Him a hug and to nuzzle Him. He kissed my cheek and told me that I could skip my meditation tonight because I was being good. *happy glow*

He's watching Terminator (the original) right now, and I've seen that movie way to many times. So He told me I could go online for a bit.

It's been a relaxing evening at home and we've both enjoyed it.

April 12, 2009

Easter Sunday

Today is Easter Sunday. Then again, Master and I are not Christian and so, it's just another Sunday to us. However, I still like to go and visit my family on these days, because that is what we did when I was growing up. We'd go and visit family.

So today Master woke me up by fucking me and then we headed down to my mother's house. We stayed for a few hours and then decided to head back home and be lazy. Master has to get up at 5:30 in the morning tomorrow so He can get to work on time, so I don't really know how late we'll be staying up.

I still have my bath to take and my meditation to do.

But I wanted to hop on and do my required daily post before doing that so I wouldn't forget and get myself in trouble.

I really don't have a lot to talk about right now, so I'm just kind of babbling.

When we got home we watched a movie and ordered pizza for dinner. Like I said, we were being lazy. Now Master is playing a video game and we're just sitting here chilling.

Today has been one of those days where I just can't seem to get myself going. I mean, I'm awake, but I feel scattered. I have no idea why, because I slept well last night for a change. I didn't wake up on and off through out the night. Who knows. Maybe it's because it's Sunday.

April 11, 2009

Restlessness

Lately a feeling has welled up inside me. At first I didn't know what the hell it was and I was confused by it. As a result, I did not really talk about it. Why? Well, it is hard to talk about something when not even you know what the hell is going on.

See, it started about two months ago. I started to get restless. Now at the time I figured it was because of my job situation. I knew things at that company were getting bad, and unstable. So I figured that I just needed to change jobs and this restlessness would go away. And so I did. I found a new job and I'm content with it.

However, this feeling has not gone away. This antsy feeling is still with me. Now, when I originally interviewed for the job they asked me if it would be a problem that they were relocating. You see right now they are down town. But they will be moving by the end of the year. At this point in time Master and I still only have one car, so this could prove to be interesting to handle since B will no longer be able to take me to work once the job site moves. And also there is no bus line out there. There is also not a bus line to Master's job.

I still took the job because I figured I just wanted the hell out of my old job and we would figure out the rest later. I think it was a smart decision. And Master seems to agree that it was indeed a smart move.

But then it hit me out of no where. When my job moves at the end of this year, yes we will need a second car unless one of two things happen.

1) Master finds a job out there as well and then we can car pool.

2) We move out there.

Master and I have tossed around the idea of moving quite a bit since I moved up here. The apartment that we live in is not terrible. Trust me. But the people that have been moving in here lately (I'd say in the past year or so) have been um... annoying as hell. Also we're getting sick of being charged for everything. We get charged extra for smoking in the apartment. And in the middle of winter smoking outside every time we feel the desire to light up is not a fun idea. Instead of having a pet deposit we are charged extra each month for our dog to live here. We have also been fined for dog waste being in the yard. One time admittedly it was our dog, and we just didn't see it. However another time I know damn well it wasn't our dog because we don't take him out to that area, but hey.. how can you really argue such things. We also have to lock up Ghost every time we leave the apartment because he was going to the patio doors when we were gone and it scared our neighbors. Why? Well, he's a German Shepard/Husky mix. Some people are afraid just because of his size.

So I have a feeling this restlessness has to do with wanting to start fresh some where. Whenever we have talked about moving, we've talked about just moving to another part of this section of town. While that isn't a terrible thing, the idea of moving out to where my job is going to be eventually, is exciting.

The minute that idea struck me I started to wonder what it would be like. The area is nice. In fact it's a lot like this area of town in the fact that it isn't huge, and it's a nice, normally quiet, place. And I've also started to try and think of ways we could start to save up for a deposit and first month's rent at a new place. Just set aside a little money here and there and then by the time my job moved we would be able to move as well. I think we could do it.

I touched base on the subject with Master tonight over dinner, and He didn't object to the idea. He said we would talk about it. We wouldn't really need a lot to move since we don't own a lot that requires a large truck or anything.

We'd maybe need one U-Haul and we could move it all in one day, as long as we packed everything and tossed out the rest in the days previous. The larger furniture would go in the U-Haul and the rest could fit in two cars. Plus one of our friends owns a pick-up truck. So that'd make things even easier.

But of course I am getting ahead of myself. Master said we would talk about it, and I'm sure we will. And of course my job wouldn't be moving until the end of the year. But that would give us time to save up some money and actually find a place as well. So we shall see.

Our Saturday

Last night Master and I tried watching the new porn we just bought, but um.. yeah. That didn't work. Why? Well... it was a DVD and it kind of looked like you were trying to watch a TV channel that you hadn't paid for. It was bad. So we popped in a different porn that we'd already seen quite a bit but we love. We watched that for a while and then retired to the bedroom.

Master used the new toy on me. Master tried all three functions and various speeds. It felt really good. The only problem was that we had left the lights off and the clitoral stimulator on it wasn't quite lining up right. Oh well. I got off really hard anyway. Master said next time we'll leave the lights on so He can see that a bit better.

The rotating shaft and the beads inside felt.. weird at first. But once I started to relax and just go with it, it felt really damn good.

Apparently He really liked doing that though because by the time He was done using the toy on me He was rock hard and ready to go. *grins* He fucked me really hard and I'm still tender from the internal bruising I got the last time we fucked.

That of course only turned Him on more and He called me every name in the book and I responded with, "Yes Daddy, I'm Your whore" or "Your fuck toy".. ya know.. whatever He had just called me. It was hot.

Afterward we curled up and fell asleep.

This morning Master got up before I did but let me sleep for about two more hours before telling me to get out of bed. Shortly there after we got ready and headed out the door. We took the porno back and they let us exchange it for a different one.

From there we went to the store and I looked for jeans. I could only find one pair that was a size three, so I bought it. We didn't really feel like going to other stores to try and find more jeans. Maybe we'll go try to find another pair this weekend or something.

From there we went home and watched a movie. We then went down to my dad's for a little while. We just got home about 15 minutes ago.

However, the good news about my new jeans? They make my ass look great. Master actually commented on that as we were walking out to the car. He said He liked watching it "sway". I love that He still makes comments like that to me, after all these years.

Now I'm off to go take my bath and put on something sexy for Master.

April 10, 2009

New Toy

Well today Master had the day off from work. I still caught a ride with B to work because I didn't want to have to pay for parking down town. After work Master picked me up and we went out for dinner.

After dinner we were trying to figure out what we wanted to do. I, for whatever reason, felt like going out. Maybe a movie and then hit a bar of some kind and have a couple of drinks. But it was a bit chilly out and Master didn't really feel like going out. So we didn't.

However, after watching a movie at home, we did decide to go to the porn store. We picked up a porno and for whatever reason I also wanted to buy a Rabbit vibrator. I've always heard a lot about them, but I also have never been that much into toys.

But I decided I wanted one and Master said I could get one. So while we were at the porn store I looked around and I found one. A Doc Johnson iVibe Rabbit that is waterproof. They had it in three different colors so I asked Master which color I should get. He gave me a funny look as if to say, "Does it really matter what color the vibrator is?" (Yes.. yes it does.)

But instead He said, "You pick."

So I picked the Blueberry one. It's pretty. You can see what it looks like here.  (That is just a random link so you guys could see it. Remember I didn't buy it online, I bought it at a local porn store. Also, I couldn't link it directly from the manufacturer's website.)

The reason I wanted a Rabbit is because I know it has functions and controls.. and I figured it would be great for Master to be well... in control of the controls.

I havn't used it yet. It's still in it's case. It doesn't come with a box or slip case or anything of that nature. Depending on how much I like this thing I may end up having to get something for Doc Johnson products. Once I find something I like I end up sticking with that "brand". Same goes with lingerie for the most part.

I already filled out the warranty information. That was kind of weird. I've only ever filled out a warranty information thing for like... a TV... or a computer.. not a sex toy.

I don't know when Master will want to use it on me. But I'm sure I'll talk about it once He does.

April 9, 2009

Another Day, Another Dollar

Last night, Master and I retired to the bedroom. He laid down and told me to curl up. I did as I was told, but I knew I wasn't going to be able to fall asleep right away. Why? Because I was horny.

I knew Master was tired and sore. So at first I thought about just trying my best to go to sleep. But then as He pulled me closer to Him and I felt my ass brush up against His cock, I thought again.

I decided that I would try to get laid.. and if He insisted that I just sleep, then so be it.

So I reached behind me and rubbed His thigh a little bit. He didn't push my hand away so I rubbed a little higher up on the thigh. So far so good. Then I grabbed His cock and started stroking it. He moved back a little so I could have better access. Jackpot.

So because He was sore and tired, He had me get on top and ride Him until we were both exhausted at which point I happily passed the fuck out.

This morning Master was awake before I was. And again last night I kept waking up for apparently no reason what so fucking ever. I hate that.

I got ready for work and headed out when B called to let me know he was outside waiting. Master apparently had a rough day at work, but He gets tomorrow off. Originally He was going to have to be to work by 4:30am. Ouch.

But at the last minute the supervisor decided that Master and the other laborer would get the day off and have a three day weekend. So bonus for Master.

Tomorrow should be a fairly simple day at work for me. It's always slow on Fridays, I'm learning. I'm almost up on my 30 days of employment there already. And by the end of June I'll be out of that probationary 90 day period. I hate those first 90 days. I mean, yeah a job can drop you at any point in time. However, for whatever reason, I'm always my most nervous during those first 90 days when they are trying to figure out if you are a good fit for them. Plus there is that whole 90 day review, etc and so on. But my trainer tells me I'm doing fine. She doesn't even check my work anymore. She just comes in, sees how I'm doing, and then she's on her way.

She asked me if I have ever done this kind of work before. (I'm in accounts payable now.) And I told her no. She asked me if I have ever worked with the applications before. Again I said no. She was impressed. So that's a good thing. :-) I'm liking it there. I'm not as stressed out or mentally drained when I get home.

April 8, 2009

Funny Ain't It

Master and I just got done watching a movie called "Yes Man". I thought it was funny, but it also made me think. You see, without giving away a lot of the movie, basically Jim Carey's character says yes to everything and ends up having quite a bit of fun.

And I don't know if it's some kind of mood I'm in or what.. but it triggered a through pattern.

See, when I first moved up here to live with Master, almost four years ago, we were broke. I mean very broke. And we had a lot of fun. I was just going to college (wasn't working) and Master was looking for work. But because of the fact that I was only going to school and Master wasn't working... we had a lot of free time. As a result we had to think of ways to entertain ourselves. And we always did. We had a lot of fun.

We have a lot of fun now too, we just don't do as much. We mainly come home and eat dinner and watch movies or TV shows. Or Master will play video games. So during the weekdays we have a pretty set routine. Master picks me up. We go home. Sometimes I run errands. Then when that is done we eat dinner. During dinner we normally watch something, whether it be a movie or a TV show. After that I will either take my bath and then do my blog post, or vice versa. Lately my meditation has been thrown into that mix as well. We then finish the night by watching more stuff and then go to bed because we have to get up early.

Yes. I know. Welcome to the working world where Monday through Friday you normally don't do very much.

Well, tonight actually we had the option to go over to our friends' house for dinner. But this is a particular married couple that I really didn't want to deal with. First off the husband can be very cool sometimes. But he's also an alcoholic. And due to having so many of those in my family when I was growing up I really detest them. So when he's drunk or only wants to talk about being drunk I get rather... wall flowerish. And the wife? Well, neither Master or myself can stand her. The husband is a great guy, when he's sober or at least not obviously drunk.

So Master gave me the option to say yes or no. Well I didn't want to be rude and just call them and say no. So I asked some questions first. What are you planning on having? Eh. That sounds alright. What time are you talking? 7pm? Uh. No. I have to get up at 6:30am. (The husband is unemployed at the moment and the wife works third shift.) And I knew that if we went over there at 7pm we wouldn't be getting home until at least 11pm which is when we're normally in bed during the week.

Master says that one of his coworkers just turned 21 so he may want to go out drinking this weekend. That would be cool. It would be different and he's a nice guy.I know what I just said about alcoholics. But seriously, there is a large difference between having a few drinks and having some fun.. and getting so piss ass drunk that your friend has to carry you to bed while you talk about zombies. *raises eyebrow*

Also we're trying to figure out when we're gonna meet B's new girlfriend. So again that could be fun, and would be different.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just in a bit of a funk. It just seems like we did a lot more things when we were broke. Now? We're doing okay. I'm mean we're not rich or anything. But the bills are paid and we can still have some spending money. It's just that.. because we have to follow a strict budget so we do have all the bills paid it doesn't seem like we do that much anymore.

We went to the movies a while back. That was fun. We go out to dinner, and I love that. But we havn't really gone out and just had fun. Bleh. Maybe when the weather is nicer we'll start doing more. I miss going for walks, and going to parks, and what not.

I think part of my problem is that everyone at work is talking about all these trips they are planning. Places like California, Jamaica, Florida.. etc. Me? My biggest ambition is to go to Sybaris again some day. And that's literally only an hour away from home. If that. But it is a place that holds some of my fondest memories. Our honeymoon. But we can't afford it. We could probably afford one of the smaller rooms. But fuck that. If we're gonna go we're going to at least get the same type of room we had last time, with the pool and hot tub. Oh! And the bed with the mirror above it and that kick ass headboard with yet more mirrors behind it. *sigh*

Yeah. I must be in some kind of funk and not really realizing it until just now for some reason. Maybe it's just cabin fever because it's technically already Spring.. it just doesn't feel like it.

And the really shitty part of it? I don't know what I would want to do if we did have the time and money to go out. I don't drink much, although a normal bar isn't that bad. It's more fun when you have a group of people. A strip club? Yeah. That could be fun but if we go to often I get bored with it because then it just becomes another routine. A dance club? Um that's out. Master doesn't dance. And I don't wanna dance by myself. Eh. I'm probably just in a funky mood because my shoulders and left leg are bothering me.

Tomorrow I'll be back to my normal crazy self.

"I Hate Myself For Loving You"

Okay, I'll admit it. I love Joan Jett. I don't know a lot of her songs to be perfectly honest. But the songs I do know I love. I have to crank them whenever I hear them. That, and I think she's hot. *nods*

So here is Joan Jett with "I Hate Myself For Loving You". This is one of my favorites by her. Just so you know, the lyrics that show up during the song are um... off. I don't know who put them there. But I put the actual lyrics behind the cut.







April 7, 2009

Good Pain vs Bad Pain

Last night was a good pain night. Master and I retired to the bedroom and He had His way with me and I think He bruised my cervix. Is that possible? Cause it sure in the hell feels like it. Eh. Regardless, it hurt and I loved it. A lot. In fact He gave me permission to cry as He continued to push harder and deeper. *purrs* Love it.

Today, however, is a bad pain day. It's due to my damn fibromyalgia. I felt fine when I got up this morning. But now? Gods it feels like my right shoulder is gonna fall off. And at this point I wish it would. When ever the pain gets bad, like today, I'll ask Master to rip whatever part of my body is hurting off of me. And He always says no.

Master won't dismember me. *pout*

Then I'll ask Him to allow me to get a new body. Again He says no. Apparently He likes the one I have. Go figure.

Once Master picked me up from work we went home and He took care of the dog. I checked on a few things that I thought we needed around the apartment and then went on a few short errands. By the time I got home I could feel my shoulders getting worse and was just thankful to be able to get comfortable and stop carrying stuff.

We ate dinner and now Master is playing a video game and I'm well.. here obviously.

I just feel so sore and a little out of it because of it. I'm not on any prescriptions anymore. I got sick of that rather quickly shortly after I turned 18. So now I try to find ways to deal with this on my own. Like hot baths, massages from Master, and just basically trying to relax and strech as much as possible. At most I'll take a few Tylenol.

So that's pretty much about it for today. Short and to the point. Perhaps a little boring. But I can't sit at the computer very long right now.

April 6, 2009

Monday Blues

Today just seemed to go by very slowly. Probably because both Master and I were wondering if He would be contacted by the person who interviewed Him last Thursday.

I had suggested that He call on His lunch break today to see if there was any news. But I guess He called shortly after 8am and left a voice mail. He didn't receive a call back. But since I work at the company He is applying at, I know that that particular person was basically in meetings all day. So I don't know. Master is assuming this means that He doesn't have the job. I'm trying to remain slightly optimistic and say, "Maybe she hasn't made up her mind yet." or "Perhaps she's still working out the details."

I told Him He should try calling again tomorrow. We don't want Him to come across as pushy, just interested. But I figure since she didn't return His call from today, perhaps He'll catch her tomorrow? I don't know. I'm still trying to be hopeful and optimistic. It's not a "no" until they say "no". *nods*

My day dragged because I was hoping Master would call with good news. Master's day dragged because He was waiting for this person to call Him. So yeah. Today wasn't the best.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Master also hurt His knee at work today. :-( Poor Master.

Once we got home Master took His shower. Mean while I took care of the dog, ran out to get some things we needed and then came back home. We ate dinner and watched more South Park. We seem to be on a marathon with that right now, since we discovered you can download whole seasons via Netflix.

And now? Master is reading a book and I'm here browsing the web.

The weather man lied again. No rain. No sleet. No snow. So take that you guessing mother fucker who gets paid entirely to much money!

Man that must be a sweet job. Being a weather man. You can be wrong all the damn time, and still keep your job and make good money. Bastards.

I asked Master last night if He was bored with me yet. He said no that He was not. Then He asked me why I had asked that. So I said, "Just checking."

You have to check ya know. After six years of being with someone. "Ya bored with me yet?" .. "Do you still find me attractive?" .. "Why do you put up with me?" .. Ya know.. the usual shit.

Thankfully He's not bored with me. He does still find me attractive. And He puts up with me because He loves me. :-D Hopefully those answers don't change any time soon. ;-) *giggles*

And seriously, He'd have to love me to put up with me. I'm nuts. Not like certifiable or anything. Well, not that I know of. The nice men in white coats with happy colored pills and hug me jackets haven't shown up yet. Although I sometimes wonder if Master has them on speed dial. *ponders this*

April 5, 2009

Down Time

Last night when Master and I finally retired to the bedroom we goofed around a little bit and then all of a sudden He just strated running His nails along my chest and neck. This caused me to get very docile very quickly.

He then squeezed my neck and asked me if I wanted my pussy eaten. I at first just nodded my head, but He let up on the pressure He was applying to my vocal cords so I could answer properly by saying, "Yes Sir."

So He ate me out and got me off rather quickly before entering me. He kept me on my back the entire time and just basically moved my legs for altered variations of what we were doing. Can't say that I can complain. ;-)

At one point He again had His hand on my throat and pushed down with increasing force while telling me that I had a choice between coating His cock or passing out. Well, it came close. (No pun intended.) Just as I had an orgasm my eyesight was starting to give out a little bit, which means I was very close to passing out. And I've never done that during sex before. The idea scares me a little. I don't know if He actually wants me to pass out during sex or not, but it scares me a little because I've actually never passed out before in my entire life.

He then bounced me off His cock while my legs were crossed and filled me with His cum. We then curled up and fell asleep.

We slept in until noon today. And our ambition wasn't in high drive. So I only ventured out of the apartment to get cigarettes and soda. Then when I got home we watched movies and ordered pizza for dinner.

There is a certain pressure in the air so my lower back was bothering me. Master was kind enough to work on my back for me, which I really appreciated. But ya know, He couldn't just rub my back. He also had to finger me for a little while before smacking me on the ass, once He was done, and calling me a whore. All while watching Terminator 3. *giggles*

So it has been a rather relaxing day. And tomorrow starts a new week. I hope that Master hears from the interview He had on Thursday. *crosses paws for good news*

April 4, 2009

A Few Changes

Okay, so I've made a few small and probably unnoticed changes.

First and foremost.. I fucking hate Yahoo. Yep. There. I said it.

Now, honestly if I had never gone on Yahoo.. I never would have entered the chat rooms there.. and I would have never met Master. But I did at that point in time, so it's all good. However, now? I hate them. Specifically I hate their e-mail. One of my e-mail address there was working just fine. Perfectly in fact, the same as it always had. The one I had linked to my Wordpress? Yeah. Not so much. It would say "Loading.." at the top of the page, but wouldn't do anything. So I would have to right click and open a link in a new tab or window. And then if I could get it to open, it wouldn't let me reply to an e-mail or compose a new one. So now when you send me something through my Contact Me page, it'll go to my new e-mail addy. For those of you who have written me, I have honestly been trying to e-mail you back.. but Yahoo wouldn't let me! So I'll be doing that either tonight or tomorrow through my new e-mail addy.

So fuck that noise. I changed my e-mail address that is linked to my blog and basically the only e-mail address I give out to anyone who I am not related to or work for.

As a result I knew my gravatar, which is that little icon that shows up next to my name when I comment here and on other blogs, would need to be updated. I was not going to lose my blue tiger damnit! And I was having all sorts of fun trying to get that to update. But I did it! It may take a while to update properly through out Wordpress, but my blue tiger should be there soon. I hope. (It had damn well better.)

Also, because I'm a net nerd, and I saw the announcement on Wordpress stating that you can now have twitter on your blog... I have added that. I don't know how long it'll take for the feeds to actually start displaying here.. or if I'm going to keep it... but I've done it. *hangs head in shame*

In other news...

Master and I are burning the midnight oil a little bit and He got a blowjob today.

After we were done with our running around and all that, I had taken my bath and put on a nightie. I had started out just sucking His dick as part of my begging routine.. but um.. yeah. I started to get wet, and my oral fixation took over. Damn my mouth! ;-) He seemed happy though. Well, He didn't bitch anyway. At least not until He had already shot His load down my throat and I continued sucking His cock. He told me that was "enough" because He was hyper sensitive. I whimpered, but He gave me "the look" and I stopped, although I had a grin on my face. How fun is that? Making your Master hyper sensitive from a nice simple blow job. *sighs happily*

Bumming

Today was a bumming day.

And yes, I know I missed a post yesterday. *gasp*

You see, after Master picked me up from work, we came home for all of a half hour so He could shower and then headed back out the door to go down to my dad's. Well, as usual that turned into a longer visit than usual. It's like my dad's house is a black hole that sucks you in and before you know it it's damn near 11pm.

But let me back track a little bit. Master didn't get a call yesterday regarding His job interview. We kept checking our house voice mail from our cell phones to see if she had called, but there wasn't anything. Then again she had told Master she might have a couple of interviews on Friday, so I wasn't really thinking He'd be getting a call until Monday. So our plan is that if He doesn't hear anything from her by mid Monday, He is going to call her. *nods*

Okay, back to the visit at my dad's. We weren't the only company they had. My uncle was also there, and so were a few of their other friends. So we were just sitting around and having a good time. By the time we decided it was time to leave it was a little after 10:30 pm. So we got home a little after 11pm. We ate dinner, and then relaxed a bit. I was very tired, and so Master excused me from doing a blog post last night.

Today I got up around 9am and Master decided to stay home while I went down to visit my mom. He'll be going with next weekend though when we go to visit for Easter. We don't actually celebrate Easter, but I still like seeing some of my family on that day.

I stayed down there for a few hours. And then when I got home Master got dressed and we bummed around. We went to a store and got new trash cans for the kitchen. Our old ones were icky and the flip top on one of them no longer worked. We have to have the trash cans where they have the flip top that doesn't open unless you push a button, other wise the dog gets into it. :-| Sick dog and mess from the trash can = not fun. We also picked up light bulbs and a new comforter for me as a slave mat. Yay! *happy dance*

From there we went to the pet store and got dog food and rabbit food. And of course, I saw two little dwarf bunnies that I was all "Aawwww!" about.. so Master quickly dragged me towards the check out lane. Not that He wouldn't love another rabbit, or two, but we don't have the room for another cage. We keep all of our rabbits separate. Not just because we don't want them to have babies (we currently have two boys and one girl) but also because we don't want them fighting. Our little dwarf boy bunny used to beat the hell out of our very large boy dutch rabbit back when they were cagemates.

But I'm so glad we found this new pet store. We were spending aout $52 everytime we needed rabbit and dog food. And for the same stuff, we spent about $10 less today! And by the same stuff I mean the exact same brand of dog food and everything! Ghost needs a very particular type of dog food or he gets a really bad skin rash and an upset stomach.

So we get home and I put everything away. I throw out the old trash cans, and put up the new ones. I laid out my new slave mat (aka the new comforter) and I love it! It is so soft and plush! It's a blue plaid comforter, so it's really not anything special. But that doesn't matter, because it's my slave mat. So I love it. :-D I just folded it over twice, and boom.. slave mat. I know once I've used it for a while, it won't be so plush.. but that's not that point right now. *laughs*

I put the old blanket that I was using as my slave mat on top of Ghost's dog bed so he has some extra padding. He's getting a little bit older and he has a stiff hip, so I figure the more padding he has on his dog bed, the better. Although unless we're actually in the bed, he apparently thinks it is his job to make sure the queen size bed doesn't float to the ceiling. He's a goofy dog.

I don't know when Master is going to have me take pictures of His new haircut... but I'm pretty sure they'll be done before Monday.

April 2, 2009

Anxiously Waiting

We got up this morning and I got ready for work. Master had taken today off from His job so He could go to His interview today. Before I left I gave Master a hug and wished Him luck on His interview.

Once I got to work, I called Him to wish Him luck once more before starting my job.

On my lunch break I listened to my voice mail because Master had called. I then called Him back and He told me how it went. He says that He thinks it went well, and that she had said that she would let Him know in about 48 hours. (Since we're not open on the weekends I'm going to assume she meant 48 business hours.. so I'm going to translate that to by the end of Monday.) So here is hoping!

He is going to His current job tomorrow. He can't quit until He knows for sure that He has another job. And if this one doesn't work out (even though I really hope it does) we'll just keep plugging away at it.

I found out today that it's a good thing I left my last job. Apparently they were sold to another company and as a result they are laying off about half of the staff, if not more. I'm going to have to call a few of the people I still talk to from time to time, that still work there, to get more details.

Anywho.. Master and I are both very anxious to see what happens regarding His job interview today. I'm of course still pulling for Him. :-)

We are going to my dad's tomorrow, so Master and I switched out "one night out to eat" thing to tonight. So when Master picked me up from work we went straight to the restaurant and had a good time.

From there we went home and tried to relax. It looks like it is going to rain, so right now Master and I both have pressure headaches. I already took my bath for the evening and put on a nightie for Master.

As far as pictures of His new hair cut goes.. He said He'll allow me to take a few! Yay! That will probably happen over the weekend. Of course once the pictures are taken it's entirely up to Him as to whether or not I can post them.

Ugh. Okay, this headache is kicking my tail a little bit. So I'm off.