Road Block

"Have you felt illness or other factors (depression, stress, PMS, etc) interfere with your ability to serve as well as you want? How do you handle those times?"

Yes, I have. When I didn't know that I was bipolar my service to Him was very.... fucked up when I would get into certain moods. I could be docile and wanting to please and happy to do so for a week straight and then out of no where I would want to throw it all away and say fuck it. I'm not saying it was every other week that this happened. But there did seem to be some kind of fucked up schedule to it. Master told me that He used to be able to do a countdown and sure as shit within "x" amount of time I'd be telling Him I didn't want to do this anymore. I couldn't do it anymore. It has to stop. He would take my collar off and I'd be bawling and begging to have it back while apologizing over and over again. It used to make me feel like I was absolutely bonkers. I had no idea why I was doing any of that. No fucking clue.

And if I was on a down swing leading into depression I just didn't want to move. I didn't seem to care about anything but just... being. And even then there were times I just wanted to curl up under the covers with the lights off.

Honestly I'm not sure how the man put up with all that. And each time He'd allow me to go back to being His slave. Sometimes He'd have me wait it out, earn it back. Other times I could have my collar back right away.

I think that's one reason that I still twinge when I touch my neck and the collar isn't there anymore. I feel a moment of panic, although those are getting less frequent. But I just have to remind myself that I'm not under punishment. Those are not the terms in which the collar was taken off. It was taken off because of my metal allergy.

Thankfully now that I'm medicated and have been for quite some time now none of that has happened. Oh, I know I'm not the shining example of a slave 24/7. But I have never once asked to be released from service. 

So there is the bipolar side.

Illness, in regards to having a cold or the flu or something, yes it does effect my service. It's not because I don't want to serve Him. It's just in some of the ways I serve Him, He basically won't allow it. Because I hardly ever get sick it seems like when I do I'm down for the count. Holy hell. My body just wants to shut down and sleep until I'm feeling better. That's not possible, but that's what it wants to do.

When I'm sick Master basically has me rest and relax as much as possible. He'll bring me things and I'll protest a little bit because it should be the other way around but He tells me to shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down and start feeling better. *laughs*

Stress can effect my service. Mainly because stress normally causes my fibromyalgia to kick into high gear. And sometimes it can also leave me brain dead when I finally decide I don't want to focus on it for a little while. That's mainly just when the stress is really bad and has been going on for an extended period of time. But again, Master is understanding and tells me to rest as much as I can.

My PMS actually has gotten a lot better since I've been medicated. Until I hit about 25, aside from cramps, I didn't have a lot of PMS moments. I might be a little crabby but that would be about it. Then 25 hit and holy hell did that change. I'd be pissed off and ready to verbally go off on anyone or I'd be depressed to the point of not giving a fuck about anything.

But as I said, since I've been on the right medications and the correct dosages of said medications my PMS is basically back to how it was before I hit 25.

So yes, things do effect my service to Him. But honestly, I don't see how they couldn't effect it. If it didn't, would I be a robot? Like some kind of weird kinky yes man? Ugh. He would hate that. 

Kick Start

I literally could not think of anything to post about tonight. Aside from work and just relaxing at home there isn't a lot going on. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn't help with posts.

I even sat here with the post page open and turned around in the chair and asked Master what He thought I should write about. He didn't have any ideas either. I didn't want to just ask to skip my post. I enjoy doing my blog posts and tonight wasn't one of the nights where I just didn't want to do it at all. I just couldn't figure out what the hell to write about.

So I needed a little kick start. I went and found a journal prompt that I found interesting and will go from there.

"If you had the choice to leave the SM part of your relationship behind, could you?"

If I had the choice, I would stay how we are. I know our dynamic might change as we get older or as other things in our lives change. It's changed a lot over the past eight and a half years, believe me. Change isn't bad. At least not in this case. I'm glad that we can continue to keep our dynamic intact.

I like to think that even if something happened where we had to put it on the back burner as far as the "in your face" parts of the service goes that we could still keep the little things in place. By in your face I mean it's so obvious that it's smacking you in the face. Like kneeling at His feet or something of that nature.

For instance, if we had to have someone stay with us for a while or something that wouldn't be possible unless that person wasn't there. But I know that the little things (and the bedroom dynamic) would stay there. We've been together so long and in this dynamic so long that we know what the little movements or looks mean. We can both translate that perfectly damn near every time. So that would all be there. But the more obvious things would have to fall back and become rare.

That is a huge for instance though. I don't ever see something like that happen, it's just an example.

But if for some reason we had to drop the dynamic, and I honestly can't think of a reason as to why that had to happen, I know that we would still be together and still love one another.

I think the main reason why I can't imagine having to drop every aspect of the dynamic is because it's not just about Him making me kneel and suck His dick because He's bored. It's not just the rough stuff. It's about different levels of control and my doing what He wants in whatever way I can. And there are so many different thinks that don't include sexual things or punishment. It's the little things that make up the dynamic, in my opinion.

When we first started this dynamic it was more about the sexual aspect for me. And believe me, that's still there. It's still a very large part of what I love about this dynamic. However, I have also come to appreciate the mental aspects as well.

I honestly believe that we wouldn't be as in tune with one another as we are now without the dynamic. The path that we are walking together has basically demanded so many different levels of connections between the two of us that it's almost impossible to not know all of the little quirks, looks, eye movement, tone of voice and be able to interpret them the best we can. It's how we can also maintain a level of our dynamic in public and around friends and family. It's the small stuff.

Memory Lane

Well, I couldn't really think of anything to write about today, so I went journal prompt hunting and found this one:

Share a favorite childhood memory.

I'm starting to realize that I don't remember a lot of crystal clear childhood memories. Why? I'm not sure. I just don't. Hell, I'm not even that old.

I would have to say that one of my favorite childhood memories was sleeping over at my paternal grandparents' house.

When my brother and I were really young we would go to Grandma's to sleepover. I mean, yes Grandpa was there too, but he worked so much that most of our time was spent with Grandma.

She would pull out a small mattress for each of us. She had a spare bedroom with two beds, but we always thought it was more fun to sleep on a mattress on the floor of their living room. We would watch movies and eat popcorn. For dinner she would normally make pizza and then cut it into tiny squares. She would help us build a fort out of their dining room table. Their dining room table was huge so it was one hell of a fort, let me tell ya.

She would sleep out on the couch when we stayed over. I remember waking up a few times when their grandfather clock would chime. I would look over and see Grandma on the couch and I would climb onto the couch with her. Then eventually I would go back to the mattress on the floor.

When we woke up in the morning she would allow us to help her make homemade waffles. The funniest thing was when it came time to cut them, she would do it herself and she would cut them into shapes of animals.

After breakfast we'd watch cartoons and then go play in her yard for a while. Or, if it was summer, we'd go outside and help her with her garden.

We always hated leaving. We always wanted to stay "just one more day".

Full Disclosure

I spoke about thought provoking posts last night. Well, rather than babble on about how much my work day sucked, I decided that I wanted to actually talk about the subject matter this blog was originally created for. Domination and submission. Kink. Being owned. You get the picture. I wanted some kind of specified topic though. So I decided to hit up the journal prompts page and take a look see. It took a little bit of digging but I came up with a topic I thought would be interesting. Sometimes I just need a little push and I can go from there.  Thankfully this one is something that I can actually ramble on about. That helps a lot. (If you are having a hard time thinking of something to post about I highly recommend going to that site.)

Is full disclosure expected in your relationship? How do you find it easiest to share the aspects of yourself that you normally would keep deep down inside? Do you ever find yourself wanting to censor yourself, and how do you move past that urge?

To be honest this took some doing. Don't get me wrong, I always wanted to be honest with Master. But you know how it is in new relationships. You still have some defensive walls up and some old wiring that needs to be chipped away at and rewired.

Add to that the fact that it didn't take long for us to start dabbling in this lifestyle after we first started dating. So that was new on top of new, ya know? And I won't say it was just on my end. I know Master was having similar things to overcome. After all, you're still trying to test the waters fully and see how things are going to pan out; whether or not the relationship will last.

Slowly but surely the walls started to come down, brick by brick. Over time more and more layers were peeled back and before I knew it Master could read me like an open book.

It felt wonderful. I didn't worry about what He would think of me if I told Him some of my deepest, darkest thoughts. While He was peeling back the layers I started to realize that it is best that way. If someone can't accept all of you, then they don't deserve to be with you.

So, yes I would say that full disclosure is expected and encouraged in our relationships. It's a two way street though. It's not like I'm just laying there with my throat exposed while He keeps all His thoughts and dark desires locked up inside of Him. I can't imagine Him knowing me so well, but not knowing Him to that depth as well. It wouldn't be fair, and I believe that after a while it would cause trust issues. At least for me it would.

My journals were the easiest way to lay it all out there in the beginning. It took time for me to be able to speak them out loud, face to face. I would write it all down in my journal, not really worrying about what the reaction would be because I didn't have to think about it right away. The reaction would be delayed as it would normally be a while before He would read my entries.

As that started to become easier I found myself able to talk about them as well. After all, if I can write it down knowing that He is going to read it, what was the difference in telling Him?

And here we are now. I still write my thoughts down here of course, but there isn't anything I write here that I couldn't say to Master's face. Nothing.

In regards to censoring myself with Master, I don't have that urge anymore. Of course I did for a while; like I said in a new relationship you are still figuring everything out. But after 8 1/2 years it's like the censor button is broken when we're alone. I mean, yes it's there when we're around other people, but when it's just the two of us there isn't anything I really worry about talking to Him about anymore. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure it out in my own head, but I think that's normal. After all, if I can't get it straight in my thoughts than the conversation isn't going to make any damn sense what so fucking ever. But I do have to say that I'm happy that we came to this point in our relationship/dynamic/marriage that we can say whatever we want about any topic and know that the other person isn't going to be judgmental.

Fantasize

Today has been an extremely lazy Saturday, so rather than type out a bunch of boring stuff I decided I would dig around on the submissive journal prompts website and go from there. 

Write out three of your favorite sexual fantasies.

Most of my fantasies are ones that will most likely never be fulfilled. It's either due to the fact that we'd get arrested if caught or the opportunity will probably never present itself.  So here we go.

1. I have fantasized for a long time about Master and I going into a wooded area (preferably during the fall so there won't be so many damn bugs) and He would bind my wrists. Maybe He would tie them to a tree, or maybe He would just use them to pin me down with His hand. Perhaps He would use it like a very short leash and just move me around by them. Any of those scenarios sound hot to me. He would have a blanket with Him and throw it out on the ground and push me onto it. I would have a short skirt on and a tight but giving top. He would flip my skirt up so that it was bunched around my hips while He got me on all fours. He is already hard as He pulls His cock out and slams it into me. I think the hardest part would be keeping myself quiet. Maybe He would pin me to the ground by putting His hands on my shoulders as He continue to use me as His sex toy. Yes, I would love it if this scenario were to happen and I was not allowed to cum. He was just horny, in the woods, and decided that He was going to use my pussy as a masturbation sleeve basically. Yummy.
2. The second one would be if we would go out to a bar or some kind of club that had tables and the lighting was always low; to the point that it was damn near pitch black. We would be sitting in the back of the club and we would be talking about whatever or drinking what we had ordered. There would be several people sitting at other tables very close by. The music would have a lot of bass to it and wouldn't be so loud that you couldn't hear other people talking. Master would grab my collar, pull my face close to His mouth. He would gently nip my ear and order me to get on my knees under the table and suck Him off. So there I would be, sucking His cock using all of my whorish tricks and Him sitting there, seemingly by Himself just enjoying His drink and the music. Not only would this be a public place where you might get caught doing something like that anyway, but there would be people literally in the booth next to us. 
3. Okay, last one... And I already know it's going to sound silly. We would go to a drive-in movie theater. You know, the kind where all you do is park your car, turn on your radio and watch the movie after dark. Yeah, those. I know it wouldn't be possible in our current car but for some reason I picture us with a car where you can lay down in the back. Any kind of sexual interaction, sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation, etc would be just fine with me. I know that sound rather like a teenage scene or something, but I think I would love it. 

So there you go. If you want to share any of yours feel free to comment! 

Stumbles

Tonight is one of those nights where I know I have to do a post (it's required of me unless I ask Master if I can skip it) but I can't think of anything to do. So off to the journal prompts website!

How do you handle stumbles or wrong attempts as you journey down your own path?

Honestly how I handle them varies. Especially if you start talking about how it was before I was medicated. Holy hell that was a mixed bag that went in one extreme to the other in about 5 seconds flat.

For quite a period of time if I started stumbling on this path of submission that I am on I would get frustrated with myself. But rather than deal with it, mind you these were several bumps in the road until it led up to a 20 car pile up, I would break down and get pissed off. While in this pissed off state I would tell Master (tell, not ask) to take my collar off because I was done. Finished. No doubt about it in my mind in that exact moment. Fuck it. No more! Why? Because if this path was no longer my own then the stumbling would stop. It was logical to me at the time.

Then, no more than a few hours later, I would be crawling at His feet begging for it back. I would cry and be so upset that I wouldn't be able to talk because I was sobbing so hard. It was painful. It was my own doing, which I believe made it worse. It frustrated Master to no end as well. Do I or don't I want to be a slave? Do I want to submit to Him or not? I'm sure Master felt like a ping pong ball. And I deeply regret that. Regardless of it all though, He always slapped the collar back on me. Sometimes I had to earn it back, but it always went back on. He can be a very patient man when He wants to be.

But since being medicated I don't have that war inside me anymore. I have learned that not everything that goes wrong, or ever stumble I make, is due to the dynamic. It's just life. Life is like that. It's a bitch after all.

This lifestyle, path, or whatever you wish to call it, actually gives me the structure that I need. I have something to focus on. I don't have to get caught up in my own head because I know Master wants to listen to my thoughts and help me past them or help me work out what is really bothering me. I mean, I knew that before the medication but I didn't want to admit it at the time. It was easier to just drop it like a bad habit and try to wash my hands of it... because you know, that will fix everything.

I know, it's not logical at all, but at the time it made perfect sense to me in that exact moment. Then reality would bitch slap me into my "normal" state of thinking and I would beg for Him to let me have it all back. Give me that structure, please, I need it. And I do. I honestly feel like I need that structure. If I didn't have it I don't know how I would cope.

But now? Now I double check and go over my thought process before I even open my mouth. Then I'll talk to Master and tell Him that something is bothering me, pissing me off, or just flat out upsetting me. Even if I don't know exactly what it is He'll talk me through it and eventually we get to the heart of the problem.

I know that may make me sound like I'm a little kid, not knowing what is bothering me. But I get so wrapped up in the emotion that I find it hard to actually trace back to the root of said emotion. Not always, I am getting better at it, but it still happens. It is now an order to tell Him what mood I am in when I wake up, and I am ordered to keep Him informed if my mood takes a sudden and sharp turn. Hell, even if I'm just irritable or a bit down I tell Him. If I know the reason why, I tell Him that too. If I don't, I tell Him as much and He gives me some time to think about it or He talks me through it depending on the severity.

Since being medicated I have not had one want or need to ask Master to get rid of the dynamic. The thought hasn't even crossed my mind. So now, when I stumble, Master just dusts me off and gives me a bit of a push and I'm fine again. I'm not perfect. I'm not the best wife or slave on the face of this Earth, but I'm better.

By Any Other Name

I couldn't really think of anything to post about. My brain is a bit fried today. It's been a long damn week even though it was only a four day work week. So a journal prompt is in order.

Is your Dominant called Sir or Master?

Well, there are many names that I have for Master. On my blog I refer to Him as my Master more often than not, obviously. I also call Him my Husband, which is also true but holds an additional meaning to me. More of an old world type meaning. You know, where the wife is more submissive to the Husband.

I also call Him Sir. Sir is just easier sometimes, and it sure as hell can be said in public. Some people looked at me oddly at first, but when I use it in an almost sarcastic tone people don't seem to blink. Master knows I'm not being sarcastic, He knows I'm basically slipping it into the "real world" but still using some sort of discretion.

Something where He "requests" me to do something that I know is actually an order and I say, "Yes Sir!" and do a mock salute type thing. He chuckles and I wink at Him.

Then there is another name. I call Him it a lot in person. I don't know why I don't use it more here on my blog. Maybe because people may get the wrong idea? I'm not sure. I call Him Daddy.

We don't do age play, we don't do the whole mock father and daughter thing. I think that's why I don't want people getting the wrong idea. I personally find nothing wrong with such things, it's just that it's not how Master and I are and it's now what I mean when I call Him Daddy.

I call Him Daddy more in a protector type meaning. He is my protector. Also, He calls me baby girl as an affectionate pet name. That's kind of how I fell into calling Him Daddy. I guess another way to describe it is almost how women will call their husbands, boyfriends, etc. Big Daddy. It's another pet name. I enjoy calling Him that. I have never called Him Big Daddy though, just Daddy.

Does that make any sense at all?

So I guess to answer the question, I call Master several different things and He enjoys them all.

It's One of Those...

It's one of those journal prompt days.

How do you avoid burnout? How do you speak up if there is too much on your plate?

Well the easiest answers are: "I'm not very good at avoiding a burnout. I do not really speak up when there is too much on my plate unless I absolutely have to."

Wouldn't be much of a post if I ended it there, would it? Yeah. I didn't think so.

Burnout for me can either take almost no time at all and I know that I have too much on my plate right away. As a result I don't keep burning myself out. There is no more need to try and handle it all myself. After that I can relax and feel more comfortable with what I have to do/deal with.

On the other hand there are the times where I just keep going, and going and going.. until I crash about three weeks later and I'm not really sure of the reason. Well, at least not just any one reason.

I can't really seem to avoid getting burned out. At least not very often. Normally I don't even notice there is too much on my plate until I crash and burn. Then I'm like.."Oh yeah. Huh."

I'm not sure why. It may be because I'm a rapid cycling bipolar or maybe it's just because that's how I am. Maybe both. Some people may argue the fact and say that I'm just afraid to ask for help. I'm not. It's just that I am so focused on the shit that needs to get done I don't normally even think to ask for help. I become so focused on the shit inside my head and/or what's in front of me that I get tunnel vision.

There are other times though that it is just so damn obvious that I am overwhelmed with a task/thought pattern I ask for help right away. But I do have to say those are few and far between.

Isolation

I decided to go with a journal prompt today. I've been kind of out of it all day and not feeling very motivated at work, which is very unlike me. So I figure rather than me rambling on about absolutely nothing, I would find a topic.

Are you isolated by your Owner at all? Would you want to be isolated? What are the pros and cons of isolation for you?

I wouldn't say that Master isolates me really. Honestly it's more me pulling away from the outside world except for Him and our families. He does not discourage this in any way, and is actually the same way Himself. We have both been burned in the past by friends. Some mutual, others not.

Master and I have never been extremely social people. We have tried to be in the past. We went to a few local munches type things. And while the group wasn't really for us, we also started to realize how much we prefer to be on our own, just the two of us. We like to sit and people watch, making comments to one another and just.. doing our thing so to speak. We also tried making new friends. It didn't work out. There was always something that made us look and go "....the fuck?"

We have gone out to dinner and to movies and what not with friends and some family. When it's certain members of our family (my brother, His brother and His father) it's fine. It would be fine with my mother as well but she doesn't really go out to eat.

With friends.. it's becoming more like a chore than something to do for fun. SS used to be a lot of fun to go hang with. But for the past year or so, since she has been with her current fiance, she's little miss priss. Her man makes damn good money and he is spoiling her with a newer car, a new house, trips all the time.. etc. Now while originally I was very happy for her, now it's just her bragging and basically rubbing it in our faces. She can still be the person we remember, but it's fewer and farther between.

Then there is BC. Since he got with his current fiance (are we noticing a trend here?) he has changed a lot. His fiance believes that we are a bad influence. So she tries to limit our access to him. We've only been able to get a hold of him twice in the past 6 months and when he did return our calls or e-mails it was because he needed something done (like helping him move) or asking Master for advice. We haven't seen BC in person for about 6 months or so. Fun stuff.

So as the days go on and the years go by I have become more of a hermit. Master has as well.

Well, I think hermit is going a bit far. I would say that I have become much more focused on Him and our families, rather than everything else. I've always been focused on Him and our families, but now that's about all I focus on outside of work. Some people may say that is unhealthy but I find that I have never been more happy or more relaxed.

As I said Master does not discourage this. Would I want Him to force me to socialize more? No, not really. I would probably be stubborn about it, or at least try to be. Would I want Him to isolate me more? Well, since I'm only focusing on Him, our families, and work I'm not sure how much more He could cut me off. Have me quit my job? Never going to happen unless I have another job lined up. Have me cut off my family? He would never do that unless a certain person in my family was harming me in some way and I was too close to the situation to realize it on my own right away.

Pros and Cons... hhmmm...

Pros:

1. I have more time on my hands to just be with Master and our families rather than having other people's problems as distractions.
2. I am not as stressed out. I have always been one of those friends that people call first when they need a shoulder to cry on. While I used to do so happily, it did add extra stress because not only did they want a shoulder to cry on, they also wanted me to fix their problems.
3. Master and I have more time alone together rather than a group of friends trying to pull us in each and every direction on top of our families. Ugh. It was a nightmare and as a result Master and I hardly had an entire weekend alone.
4. I'm happier this way.

Cons:

1. As I said some people may see this as unhealthy. But Master does not see it as such and if there is not one person on the face of this planet that takes my health as seriously as Master does. I mean my parents do as well, but Master is more stern about it. When I'm not feeling well or I'm stressed out He hovers to see how I am reacting and then takes action from there.
2. I don't have any friends outside of Master and our families. That's not really a con in my eyes but I'm sure some people would see it as such. Personally, I think it is better this way. There is a stronger connection with the family members Master and I spend time with than there has ever been with a friend. We can have a knock out drag down fight about something stupid and then the next day we're joking around and having a good time. No bad blood. (No pun intended.) If it's a serious fight, it depends on the family member in question.
3. Um... *thinks* Yeah. Can't think of a third one and the other two were not cons in my eyes.

So yep. I'm pretty happy being isolated to a point. 

Another Prompt

I had no idea what to write about tonight, so I decided to randomly choose a journal prompt. And here is what came up: Does your owner allow and encourage you to pursue your own dreams/goals?

I would say that Master not only allows me to pursue my goals, He sometimes damn near pushes me to do it. Not in a bad way, but when I hesitate He pushes me to make me see it through. It has always turned out well, so there is a method to His madness.

That and He knows how damn hesitant I can be. I'm afraid to take chances sometimes. Especially when it comes to jobs. If it wasn't for Him pushing me to look into office work like I wanted to, I'd probably still be working retail. There is nothing wrong with working retail. Nothing at all. But I really wanted to do some kind of office work even though I don't have a college degree. But I broke through because Master pushed me. I started off as a temp for a call center. Said call center then hired me on. And then when I felt it was time to jump ship I found an office to work for. I started off as a clerk and I am now an analyst.

I keep going upwards so far. *knocks on wood* I'm not getting cocky though. I work hard, I do my best and that's all I can do.

When I get frustrated He tells me it'll be okay I just have to push through it. He makes sure that I don't get cocky about it as well. He doesn't want me to get a big head at my job and get myself in some serious trouble. That's not really me, but it's good to remind me of such anyway. Especially when I'm pissed off and want to punch a coworker simply to get them to shut the fuck up.

I don't really have any dreams per say. My goals are to keep a good job, buy a place of our own, and get a newer car. I have other goals but they are no where near realistic. So I figure I'll keep it simplistic.

So yes, I would say that Master allows and encourages me to go after my goals.

Permission

July 19th, 2011

Today I went to the submissive journal prompts site that someone had suggested to me. I have really wanted to get back into posting more about our dynamic rather than the day to day work stuff. I know of course sometimes I will have to post about such to vent, but I don't want it to take over my blog. I will still post about how I am handling being bipolar and about family as I feel these things are important. But today, I wanted to do a post about our dynamic. So I found a random prompt.

The question is: Do you have to ask permission to do basic needs like eating, drinking, or going to the bathroom? How does this enhance your submission?

I do have to ask permission to use the bathroom if Master is home. Obviously when I am at work or home by myself I do not have to ask. That would just be silly in my eyes. The only time I do not have to ask when Master is home is when I am not feeling well. If I am not feeling well I simply have to tell Him as much and request that I may use the bathroom when I need to for the night rather than having to request permission every time I need to go.

As far as drinking goes no, I do not. Sometimes when I go to reach for a soda He'll tell me to grab a glass of water instead. But that's really about it. When we go out to dinner and the restaurant serves alcohol and I would like one I do have to ask permission unless someone else is with us. Then I just kind of glance over at Him and He very slightly nods or He makes a quick "no" movement. But these days, due to my medication, I don't want to drink alcohol. If Master is having one I may take a few sips, but because my medication magnifies the effects of alcohol I know that I would get more tipsy than I had intended in a very short amount of time. When I do drink I prefer to just get a good buzz and then leave it there. So I figure rather than ordering my own (and wasting money) I will just take a swig or two off the drink Master ordered.

As far as eating, I do not have to ask permission. Although one thing that we do when we go out to eat by ourselves is that I will either wait for Him to start eating or I will wait for Him to tell me to "go ahead". We don't do this at home, but I enjoy it when we are out by ourselves having dinner or lunch. Another thing involving food that Master does on rare occasions is feed me. For example, if we order mozzarella sticks as an appetizer (one of our favorites) as I said before I will wait for Him to start eating. But what He does is He will pick one of them up, and hold it out in front of Him half way between Him and myself. I smile whenever He does this. I then lean forward and take a bite. He usually winks at me when I am done taking the bite and smiles as well. From that point we both just start eating them and continue as "normal". Also, if we go out to a movie, which is rare these days, I have to ask if I can get some nachos or a soda. I can't just walk up to the cashier and start telling them things I want. And I also have to ask Master what He wants. Normally I am the one going up to the cashier so I get His "order", I ask if I may get x, y or z, and then I go up to the cashier.

However when we do go out to eat with other people I have noticed that even though I don't have to I wait until He starts eating before I start. I usually busy myself with my napkin or something so it isn't obvious.

How do I feel it enhances my submission...

Well all of the above are things I need. I need to use the bathroom, I need to eat, etc. These are things that I can not without. So, since He controls such it is a constant reminder that He is in control of everything. He can tell me yes, I may use the bathroom or no I have to wait. He can tell me that yes I may eat when we are out or no, I have to wait until He tells me I can. (I know He wouldn't tell me know I can't eat when we go out because that's just throwing money out the window.) If we are at the movies, I don't "need" the munchie stuff but I do enjoy it and He knows that. So He could say yes I can get what I want, He could tell me what I may or may not get, or He can tell me no. Even if He were to tell me no I would still have to go up to the cashier and get Master what He wants.

So it's strictly a control issue and also a way of reminding me of how much I depend on Him not just on the kinky stuff but also for guidance and to take control of me. I need Him to have control and He needs to control me. It's simply how we are. I would not function well if He did not have control. I need that kind of structure not only because that's simply how I want it, but also because it honestly helps me deal with being bipolar. If I am having a really manic moment or I am really depressed He centers me as best He can with not only His love and His caring, but also with my knowing that He is in control even though I am in no way capable of controlling myself during one of those extreme and sudden moods.