50 Shades of Boredom

A while ago I had dyed the ends of my hair a bright neon red. I did it because I have always wanted to and since I have been unemployed for so long I thought I might as well get it out of my system. I really liked it. But today I received a phone call in regards to a government job I had applied to at least four or five months ago, if not six months. But you know how it is with government shit. It takes forever.

They wanted to schedule me for a typing and transcribing test. The minimum wpm they want is 60 and they want a 70% accuracy on the transcribing. I honestly think I should knock this out of the park. I had a typing test last year for a different job that I ended up not getting. My kph were 10,680 and my accuracy was 99.7%. So I don't see why it would be under the minimum score requirements now. But I'm not getting cocky about it. That's when you start fucking up. Not to mention the fact that it is only step one in this possible hiring process. The test is scheduled for this upcoming Tuesday.

However, even though this isn't a full on interview I didn't feel comfortable going in for testing with my red dyed hair tips. Things like that stick in people's minds. They remember that kind of thing. "Well her test scores were wonderful but she had oddly colored hair... It just didn't look professional." And yes, I am paranoid about that kind of thing.

I had some suggestions to just dye over it. But professionally dying hair is fucking expensive and if I did it by myself it wouldn't turn out right since it would be not only be over my natural hair color but neon red as well.

So off to the salon I went to get a hair cut. I was honestly scared of it ending up way too short. When I got there and I sat down in the chair I told the lady that I wanted all of the red cut off, but that I didn't want it to be a simple cut off in a straight line and done. She showed me some pictures and we ended up going with a layered look. Now, while yes my hair is still shorter, it isn't crazy short. It's about shoulder length. In total she had to take about 7 inches off of my hair. That is a lot but I actually like how it turned out. I think the fact that she layered it helps. And honestly my hair looks a lot healthier now. Probably because not only did all of the red hair dye get cut off but all the dead ends came off as well. Sometimes you just have to cut it. I prefer having long hair but I have to admit it looks nice the way it is. The only thing that sucked is the woman put curl enhancer in my hair to show me how it would look with my natural curly hair. I didn't really mind at the time.

While yes, I do have naturally curly hair I never allow it to be fully curly. I always brush it out so that it just ends up looking wavy instead. As a result I ended up taking an earlier than normal shower to get that stuff out of my hair and get any tiny hairs off me. Master likes the look. It's something different. It is a lot easier to wash that's for sure.

On a totally unrelated topic Master was kind of poking fun at His sister-in-law. She posted on a social network site that she really wished it was the weekend because she needed to go out and basically get away from her husband (Master's brother), her three kids, and her job. She basically said something along the lines of her not being able to wait to go see 50 Shades of Grey and go out for drinks.

Master found the following image:

He then proceeded to post it and tagged her in it. Afterwards He told me that this is the kind of thing that just makes you want to "come out". Basically coming out from behind the red curtain that hides your kinky self and yell, "That is bullshit! This is what it's really all about! That is just bargain basement spoiled housewife porn!"

And He has a valid point. Neither of us have read the books but we have both heard enough about them and read enough reviews about them to know that it isn't as exciting as people make it out to be. At least not to people who truly live it. It's nothing like how the lifestyle can actually be like. Especially when you take it to the depths that we have. This isn't just kinky sex. It's not just about that. It's about everything. It weaves it's way into everything.

When Master said that I giggled and told Him that He should write a book about our lifestyle and dynamic. While He was in the shower I actually thought of a title. I find it amusing. "50 Shades of Black & Blue".

If Master wrote such a book or book series I'm sure some of the people who are obsessed with the 50 Shades of Grey books would read them and feel utterly horrified. And it would be amazing, amusing, and satisfying all at the same time.

Lip Service

Master had a talk with me last night. He told me that our dynamic has fallen to the way side. He told me that basically all I am doing is playing lip service to my station. He told me that He understands that I am under a fuck ton of stress due to family shit alone. Then you add the other shit that is going on on top of that and it just makes it worse. He wasn't loud or angry. He was extremely calm while telling me all of this.

I did not get upset. By that I mean I didn't break down crying or start yelling. I knew that He wasn't saying it to hurt me or anything along those lines. And I have to agree with Him. I'm in no way, shape, or form doing it on purpose. I'm not wanting to back out of the dynamic like I have said I wanted to in the past before I was medicated.

I also knew He was right.

While it was happening I didn't see it that way. Or I should say that I didn't really realize how far off the path it had gone. He hadn't brought it up sooner because of everything else going on and not wanting to stress me out further.

I really appreciate that, I truly do. I also appreciate that He is being so understanding. However, I did tell Him that I am glad He brought it up and that our relationship and dynamic are not part of the cluster fuck of things that are actually stressing me the hell out.

I'm glad that He brought it up.

I have been feeling down lately. Not because I need to up my meds or anything, but because everything seems to be closing in and becoming closer to being a reality. As soon as my grandfather is at peace the reality of what is actually going to happen with my father and the rest of the family is going to hit full force. It's not going to be slow. In fact I have a feeling that it will happen right after the wake, if not before.

But none of this excuses the way I have allowed things to slip on my end. I'm sure some of it is to be expected. I'm not perfect. And I'm not saying He expects me to be perfect. After all He has waited this long to bring it up to me. He has been patient.

I've just had my mind locked onto everything else so closely that I didn't realize what I was not paying enough attention to.

I'm going to try to refocus. It's not easy and He understands that. But I can try harder than I have been that's for sure. It'll also probably help me relax a bit rather than being so wound up all the time waiting for that final shoe to drop.

Keeping The Leash In Mind

It seems like our life has been nothing but stress lately. I'm not exaggerating or trying to get sympathy. It's just how it is right now. And given everything that is going on Master has been loosening the leash more and more. It's not one of those situations where He is giving me enough rope to hang myself by it. He is trying to ease up on my stress by backing that particular aspect of our relationship off. And honestly, I know I've been taking advantage of that. I don't mean to. I truly don't. But I know I am.

He's not doing it "only" because of the situation with my grandfather. There is a metric fuck ton of other shit going on right now and it all adds to the other, creating this snowball effect that is threatening to bury us both at this point. We are doing our best to make sure it doesn't but so much is out of both of our hands that there isn't much we can do about it.

As a result, like I said, Master has been doing everything He can to make sure that nothing is added to all of this. I've ran with it. I know that He didn't let up on the dynamic so I can run around free of the leash, but it sometimes feels like I am and it's not His fault. It's all on me.

I will fully admit that there are some things that I need to be able to express without the leash in mind. And that is all well and good. But by my taking advantage of it, it has kind of defeated the purpose and honestly only hurt the situation. I know it adds to His stress, which isn't fair.

I need to keep the leash in mind more. After all, it'll lessen His stress and it will most likely make me feel better as well. For all I know it's adding to mine as well because I don't really have a structure that I'm following.

Now, that doesn't mean that I won't feel the need to pull away from the leash at times in certain situations but that's not the point. Those situations would be rather extreme at this point.

I feel horrible and ashamed that it has taken me this long to realize exactly how far off the leash I've been.  running. The man seriously deserves a medal for everything He is going through right now. He'll tell you that I'm going through more on an emotional level and all that but still....

I need to correct myself. I need to keep the leash in mind as much as I possibly can. I think having at least most of the structure back will help both of us and will make both of us feel better. And right now I think we both need something else aside from the stress to focus on.

Somewhat Disappointed

I'm about half way through the "Story of O" book. Actually it may be a little over half way through. It's not a very long book at all. I'm use to reading books with over 300 pages and this has 199 pages. As I'm looking at the book itself I think of a short story, even though it's not. Anyway... I'm still on the fence about it. The writing style still seems broken. She's in the present one moment and then out of nowhere a memory is triggered and rather than a smooth transition it's very abrupt. It takes me a minute and sometimes I have to go back a couple of sentences to make sure I didn't miss anything. That is somewhat annoying. I can get past that though. To me it's like my having to look past the description of the wallpaper in a Stephen King book.

*shakes fist* Damn you Stephen! No one gives a damn about the wallpaper. There is no need for five paragraphs worth of a description you bastard! And yet he is still one of my favorite authors. Clive Barker, Neil Gaiman, and Stephen King. *nods*

Back to the book though... *HUGE Spoiler Alert*

It's not really coming off as kinky to me. She gets her ass beat and she gets fucked. I mean yes, there are rules and regulations she has to abide by but there isn't really anything severely hard core to me. And with all of the hype about it I guess I was just expecting more. *shrugs* Maybe it's just me.

Also, parts of it are coming across like the movie "The Secretary". If you've never seen the movie you may not get the reference. But the guy O is originally with, Rene, is supposed to be her master. Right? Right. He is also the one that she is in a romantic relationship with. She seems deathly afraid of losing him or him falling out of love with her. He's the one that first put her in that, for lack of a better term, training center. So he is the one that should be in charge.

But once she is out of there she is with Rene again and there is never any mention of him whooping her butt. It's all soft caresses and "I love yous". There isn't even really rough sex mentioned. Then this Sir Stephen dude enters the picture. Some guy Rene totally looks up to and apparently wants to fuck. Rene then says that Sir Stephen is her master first and he is second. Um... what the fuck?

When I was reading about her being in the training center I was expecting it was because he wanted her that way. But nope. Apparently it was so he could prepare her for the Stephen dude. It goes on to describe how Sir Stephen is the one whooping her ass and putting her through her paces. He's the "mean" one. Meanwhile the "original master" Rene doesn't even stay to watch, he just looks at the marks later and gets off on it but is unwilling to make the marks himself. Now both the "original master" Rene, and the "actual master" Stephen are in love with her and now plan to prostitute her off to their friends.

That's about where I am now. Like I said before, I'll continue to read the book all the way through. But parts of it put me off a bit. Maybe it's because I'm thinking of it as to how I would feel in that situation.

Let's say Master sent me off to a training center of some kind... First.. I'd be like "What the fuck?" After all no one can train me the way He wants me except for Him.

Okay, so that right there is odd. Then if I were to come out of there and then Master hands me off to this other guy, who I've never met and didn't even know existed, and tells me that this new dude is supposedly first in charge and He is now second in command but will drop everything He is doing to make sure that the other guy has me when he wants me. I would be so confused it wouldn't even be funny. Hell, at that point I'd be throwing my hands up and saying, "Fuck this. I'm out."

But then again, this is fiction. And perhaps most of my problem is that fact that I'm attempting to put myself in these situations. However, I can't really help that. I do that sometimes when I'm reading a book. Not often but it does happen. This just happens to be one of the books that I can't seem to stop myself from doing that.

Has anyone else read this book? Opinions? Do you think I'm way off the mark on this one?

Reading is Fun for Mentals

I saw a meme the other day that got my mind going. Yes, I know. It sounds really stupid that I would get inspiration for a post from a damn internet meme. However, it is a topic that I have wondered about in the past so I might as well run with it. Right? Right.

I have been Master's slave for 95% of our relationship. It was a long road filled with odds and ends and our basically trying to figure out what works for us. There were bumps in the road, as there always are regardless of what kind of relationship you have. But, that isn't really the point of this post. If you want a better background of how we got to where we are now, please read about it here. It's a somewhat vague history but it gives you the general idea.

Anyway... here is the meme I am referring to:

I have honestly never read any of those books. I of course knew about them rather quickly. After all they were promoting that book series left, right, and center. But when I saw my sister-in-law talk about it on a social network site I was floored to say the least. From everything I know about her she is a prude. I have no other way to put it. And she is also constantly complaining about how her husband (Master's brother) wants sex and she hates how he asks for it so frequently. She also bitches that he expects it without doing anything for it first. Apparently, without a dynamic in place, she thinks it should be earned like a reward. It's almost like she considers it a favor unless she wants to get knocked up. She's a prude and a feminist. *nods* I would say those two words sum her up rather well. I get along with her, don't get me wrong. But we are on two very different sides of that spectrum. Of course she doesn't know that. No one does.

But when she was saying how she had read it and had borrowed the book from a friend of her's I was floored. Like I said, admittedly I have never read any of the books. But from everything I had heard/read about it, it involves some level of kink to it. One person described it to me as a romance novel with a side of kink thrown in. I don't know how accurate that is though. *shrugs*

I have read the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice. Granted those books are highly impossible with some of the things they wrote in there. Guys keeping their dicks hard constantly? Yeah. Sure. Yet a doctor will say if it lasts more than four hours you need to go to an ER. Of course there are other things in that book series that are impossible or at the very least highly improbable. However it was still an enjoyable series for me. Some of those things are entirely possible in the right scenario. Hell some of it I know damn well Master would do to me given the opportunity.

When I first heard about the 50 Shades book series I'll admit that my curiosity was a little peaked. After all I heard kink and I guess some form of dynamic was involved and you don't really read many books with that kind of thing going on. But I never did because the more I found out about it, the more it seemed to come off as a romance novel with things in it that "vanilla" people would find kinky but I would find boring as hell.

Has anyone read them? Thoughts?

I know that there will never really be a fictional book dealing with kink or a dynamic based relationship within an over all story setting that I will find 100% believable. I have a feeling that no matter what I read in that line of writing the book(s) will either have one of the following effects on me:

1. It will be way too far fetched and come off as ridiculous.
2.  Some of it will be far fetched but other parts will seem possible and as a result keep my interest.
3. It will disappoint me to the point of absolute boredom.

That may seem harsh since I've only ever really read the Sleeping Beauty series. There have been short stories and what not but they pretty much fell under the first category.  The Sleeping Beauty series fell under the second category. The 50 Shades series sounds, from everything I have heard about them, will fall under category three and as a result aren't worth buying, even if they are cheap.

It's kind of funny though because I have a feeling that if those had come out when I was an older teenager I would have snatched them up. Why? That kind of thing always interested me. I didn't really know if I actually ever wanted to be involved in such a thing but I knew that it interested me from a rather early age. But now? Well, after being in a Master/slave relationship for basically 11 years (and counting) I think I may just fall asleep while reading it out of pure boredom. Or maybe I would ready a couple of chapters, promptly decide it was a waste of time and money, and get rid of it.

When it comes to books I am very selective about it. After all, I'm spending money here and I want to make sure that I'll want to read it multiple times. That does somewhat limit the number of books I own/will buy but as a result I very, very rarely regret buying a book. I'm honestly more picky about the books I read than the movies I watch. Movies to me can be something I watch simply to kill time. But with a book? Nope. Can't do it. I have to be able to throw myself into it even if I am only reading a little bit of it here and there.

Back on the Rails

Master and I had a really nice and long heart to heart last night. Well, actually it started two nights ago. But at that point it was a mini conversation that Master said we would continue the next day. (Meaning yesterday.) It was in regards to how things have been going with our dynamic. So most of the day yesterday I was waiting for the subject to be brought up, but it wasn't. I think He was waiting for me to start it off.

So around 2am or so I asked Master if we could just sit and talk for a while. So He turned off the TV and He sat in His recliner. I sat on the corner of the couch, facing Him.

Ever since I became unemployed I've still kind of been stuck in how the dynamic was working when I was working a lot of hours, has I had been for the last 4 months that I was working. Master had taken it very light on me. I was in a lot of pain due to my fibromyalgia and was pushing my body pretty far. So during the work week when I was home He allowed me to pretty much relax as much as possible. And on the weekends I was crashing out on the couch during the day as my body was attempting to catch up on it's sleep. Plus a fuck ton of stress makes my body shut down. It was kind of a double whammy.

However, that's not the case anymore. And I was still stuck in that same mind frame. I think He was kind of too. But we were both still adjusting to my being home constantly. It's been a month and one week now.

So the issue of my still being stuck in that laid back slave mode was becoming more and more apparent. It was really starting to grate on Him. And I needed to snap out of it. The conversation was extremely calm. Neither of us got pissed off or hurt. We kept our tones in a normal conversation pattern.

We didn't want it turning into any kind of fight or either of us thinking it was just the other person's fault. It was my fault and His. Neither of us were innocent in this. I had stayed in that mind frame and He had kept the leash slack. The stress of my being unemployed I think kept it going as it was/is a huge adjustment for both of us.

Since we started living together I have either been employed or going to college. I was never just at home 24/7. I had actually signed up for college about a month prior to my moving in with Him. It wasn't planned that way, it's just how things happened to line up.

Like I said... huge huge huge adjustment.

Due to circumstances outside of our control the dynamic had slipped to the back burner and we had both become rather lax about it. But now that I'm home there is really no need for that to be how things work anymore.

The stress levels are still high. Especially due to extremely recent family issues on my side of the family. (Recent as in the news hit today.) I don't want to go into it as I don't want to take away from the fact that the conversation we had was extremely needed and, I feel, very productive.

I think we both feel a lot better after having had that conversation. We bother had things we wanted/needed to bring up and honestly some of it matched up perfectly with what the other had brought it, it was just the other side of the coin. He was coming at the top from the Master point of view and I commented on the exact the same topic from the slave point of view.

It was just kind of interesting how we had both wanted to bring up the exact same topics but hadn't in the past due to other things coming up that at the time were more important. Don't get me wrong, our marriage, our dynamic, is highly important. But the things that continuously popped up had to do with things that needed our immediate attention.

Life gets in the way sometimes and we forget to take that time to reconnect and broach the subjects because we are so focused on the other immediate concerns. It's no one's fault. It really isn't. It happens to everyone, with or without a dynamic in place.

It has happened to us in the past and we just have to put it back on the rails, where it is supposed to be. It's not always easy to keep this running on the rails smooth as butter. Every now and then one of the wheels slip and the whole momentum slows down to a crawl. We just have to get this bitch back up to speed. We will. I know we will. Why? Because we've done it before.

Vicious, Lovely, & Interesting Cycle

I've noticed since this past weekend I have been feeling more docile than usual. And I am, I think, showing it more as well. I have a different tone of voice when I'm asking permission for something. I can't really explain the tone. It's not like I was being bratty before while asking for something. This just has a different feel to it. I hate it when I want to describe something but am unable to. *sigh*

Oh well. I think Master has noticed as well. He seems to be reacting to me a little differently as well. Again, His tone of voice is a good example. I also have had a different kind of body language. Nothing huge. Nothing highly noticeable but I would say it is an improvement.

Oh! Before I forget... Master had read the post that said something about my landing strip that I am currently growing out. I had thought it was too wide, or at least wider than He would want it. He very casually brought it up. I had just finished doing laundry and Master was putting away His clothes and out of no where said, "By the way, the landing strip isn't too wide. It's fine."

It took me a minute to full process what He had just said. Not because it shocked me that He read the post. He reads all of my posts. It's just that it was so casual and out of no where that it took me a bit. Once I finally caught up I just smiled. At least now I know and don't have to worry about it. I still think it's a bitch to keep straight though. I don't know how guys do it! Hell, Master has a goatee and He hardly ever fucks it up. It always looks so nice and perfectly trimmed. It's weird. He can do that and I have a problem keeping a landing strip straight. What the fuck?

But since I'm under orders to grow it in I get really paranoid while shaving. I know that sounds really fucking stupid. But if I fuck it up, it's not really something I can easily fix. That has happened in the past when He had me grow it in. I dipped into it with the razor more than I had meant to. After that Master told me to just be clean shaven again. He did seem a bit disappointed at the time. Not pissed off. He didn't reprimand me and He didn't seem to be disappointed in me exactly. I think it was more of a disappointment of having it gone already. He always has me switch from one to another. Most of the time it's my being clean shaven.

Enough about my pubic hair and/or the lack there of.

I wonder if I feel different and more docile because of the anal sex itself or the weekend as a whole.

Anal sex is always something that makes me extremely docile for quite a while. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I know how much it pleases Him. Maybe it's because it seems more submissive than regular fucking or a blowjob. Don't ask me why. I'm not sure why and maybe it's just me. I don't know if other slaves feel that way about it. I also don't know if it's the fact that He is the only one I have ever done that with. I think that's part of it for Him, in so far as how turned on by it He gets.

I don't think it was just the anal sex though. The whole weekend seemed to be more dynamic based. Not as in He was barking orders and I was groveling. It was more subtle than that. And since I feed off of Him and He feeds off of me, the more one steps it up a notch the other matches it. Hell, sometimes it surpasses it. It's a vicious, lovely, and interesting cycle.

Legit

Sometimes stress gets to me more than usual. Today, while I was at work, that happened. Stress just came along and bitch slapped me. Yes, it was legitimate. This wasn't me overreacting.

It happened right before my lunch break. Once I got on my lunch break I messaged back and forth with Master for the majority of my break. He knew I wasn't overreacting. I didn't even have to ask. I knew this one was legit. He kept me calm though. Well, He calmed me down a little anyway. I definitely didn't start off calm. I wasn't freaking out or anything I just wasn't calm. I was pissed off and upset at the same time. I hate that. As if one of them wasn't bad enough there had to be a combo! *sigh*

I told Him that all I wanted to do was come home and curl up on His lap while He sat in His recliner. Things like that make me feel better. Anything with a lot of physical contact. And I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about being held, cuddling, etc. Sometimes a massage will make me jello to the point where I just don't even think for a while, which is nice. Him brushing my hair is soothing as well.

I'm not asking to be spoiled. I'm just saying those are the things that really help.

By the time I got home I had calmed down almost completely. It's not that I don't notice that stress anymore because I do. It's just one of those things where I don't feel overwhelmed by it right now. So when I got home I got a big hug and that's all I really needed.

Over Time

I sometimes wonder how the dynamic will be when we're older. I don't mean like when we're in our 40's or 50's. I mean beyond that.

Do I think it will still be in place? Yes. Do I think it will be the same as it is now? No. After all our dynamic has evolved over time so why would it stop? It wouldn't. I'm sure that things will change. Partially due to not being able to do certain things physically anymore. I'm not about to kid myself that in 30 years I'll still be able to do everything that I can do now. Pft. Never going to happen. Especially when my fibromyalgia is thrown into the mix. It's only going to get worse as I get older. It's worse now than it was 10 years ago and I'm only 30. Actually, I'll be 31 in two months but that's not the point right now.

The other part is because over time preferences can and usually do change. What Master wants from me now is different than what He wanted from me when I was 20.

I'm not going to try and guess where it's going to go. I just know that it will still be there. Even if it is just down to doing what I'm told. That's one thing that I know for a fact will not go away. I'm not saying that like it's a bad thing. I'm just saying that might be the only thing left as time and age click over year after year.

I know I won't feel any less secure in it. I don't feel less secure now than I did 10 years ago. I just serve Him in different ways than I did back then. We have grown, both as a couple and within the dynamic.

Things change. They evolve. I'd be worried if they didn't. Some things drift away and new things are introduced. And sometimes the older things kick back in again for a period of time. There will always be the underlying fact that I am His. That will never change.

Young & Not So Dumb

Master has always teased me that He got me young so He could train me early. I was 20 years old when we started dating and He was three months shy of being 28 years old. There are mixed thoughts about our age difference as far as other people are concerned. Not that it matters at all but it is still somewhat interesting. And I'm not strictly referring to our dynamic, although we have received comments about such in the past. So let's start off with the easy stuff. The "normal" relationship that everyone sees. No one in my family has a problem with the age difference. I think my dad, when he first found out, was actually pretty happy about it. I think he felt that because Master is older He can protect me better. And that is something my father is all about. Someone being able to back me up and if need be take over. Basically whatever it takes to make sure I'm safe, happy, and healthy.

My mother never really commented on it. Neither did my brother. In fact sometimes my brother completely forgets the fact that Master is older than me. My grandfather has made comments about it but they are all  little jokes here and there and are just poking fun at us. We don't get offended by it and find it funny.

Master's dad has absolutely no problem with it. Apparently he has a similar age difference in his current marriage. His brother and sisters don't even blink at it and neither does His sister-in-law.

His mother had a problem with it at first. She really did. She thought I was going to leave Him when He got "too old" as she put it. But now? She doesn't say anything about it because her current husband is younger than her. Not as much of an age gap mind you but it's there.

Our friends, past and present, have always kind of looked at Master with a mental high five. I'm not saying that based on looks or anything like that but simply because He has a younger chick on His arm. I've always found it amusing and so has He.

In regards to the dynamic.. to me it makes perfect sense. Both in gender and in age difference, not to mention size. I'm not saying anything against women at all. Not one bit. I just think a male makes more sense as the leader. I'm not knocking anyone or their kink this is just how I see it and it's mainly because I could never see myself submitting to a woman willingly. If Master made me, and He did once, then yeah. Of course. But I wouldn't volunteer for it. I want to know that the orders can be backed physically. That's also where His height really plays into it for me.

I do remember a few times when we actually attempted to get active in the local "scene" as it were. Yeah. It didn't go so well. We tried a few different times at different points in our relationship and each time it fell flat rather quickly. Some of it was just guys trying to convince Master to let them have alone time with me to put me through my paces. That was a good way to piss Him off. He didn't start off hot headed about it. He would decline but each time they wouldn't drop the subject at which point He became more agitated.

There were several people though who basically said I was too young to be a slave. That Master was taking advantage of the fact that I was young and didn't know any better. Know any better than what exactly? They never really said. They accused Him of not allowing me to get old enough to make an educated decision about it. They told Him that He was a cradle robber. Right in front of me. It was bad enough saying that at all but then to act like I wasn't even in the room and to talk about me as if I was a dumb young kid... that really pissed me off.  I may have been young but I wasn't a kid and I sure as fuck wasn't stupid.

Never mind the fact that He didn't drag me kicking and screaming into this. I was as excited about it as He was. I always knew, and still know, that if I really truly wanted this dynamic to end it would end. I've thought that I wanted that in the past, before I was medicated. I would hit one hell of a mood swing and would just want the collar off and want it off immediately. But as soon as it was off I would cry and cry and beg Him to put it back on.

Since being properly medicated, which is for a few years now, I've never once asked for the dynamic to go away. I don't think I ever will. Never say never. I don't want to jinx anything here, so I'll just say I don't see it going that way at any point.

Loved, Needed, & Wanted

This may sound somewhat stupid. Hell, it may sound extremely stupid. But these past four days I have had off of work have really helped me. They have allowed me to decompress for more than a day and a half and it has also allowed me some extra down time that I really needed. I think it has helped me get back into the dynamic head space that I need to be in. 

I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like we've been able to focus on us 100% of the time. Thursday we were at His mom's, Friday we were at my dad's, yesterday we had to ourselves, and today we had to run an errand with His mom. That errand took significantly longer than either of us expected but oh well. It's done.

But I don't always need it to be just the two of us time in order to get back into where I need to be. I felt myself getting it right a little bit more each day. I feel that I took a bigger step yesterday because it was all about us, but it was bit by bit. And today I feel like I should feel.

I'm not saying that I was completely out of sync. I wasn't. I was minding my place, I was being a good girl (for the most part), and I was serving Him as I am supposed to. But I haven't gone this deep into that head space in a long, long time.

It's just that so many other things bleed into one day after another that it's not always easy to just let it all flow off my back like water so I can focus properly. These past four days I have had time to do so. It was bit by bit but it eventually accelerated and here I am now.

I always feel so much more peaceful when I'm in that deep slave space that my mind goes to. I wish I could feel like this all the time. Hell, I wish I could stay home and be a stay at home slave. That's never going to happen mind you. It's not financially feasible just as it isn't for most couples, married or otherwise. And unless we run into a fuck ton of money, it's never going to be feasible. It's just how the world works.

But on nights like tonight, where I know that in a handful of hours I'll have to go to bed in order to go to work in the morning that wish becomes very strong. At least being a slave is easier. Well, not really easier. But at least when I'm doing that I'm in a more peaceful state of mind. I feel like I have purpose. I feel like I'm doing something that matters.

Bringing home a paycheck matters. It really, really does. But the things I do to earn a paycheck feels so bland and gray. My whole work day just seems paled out. Almost as if there isn't any color until I get home from work. And then, even though it's night time, I feel like the color snaps back.

If I were able to just stay home and serve Him the color wouldn't bleed away. I know a lot of it is that one, I don't really feel like what I do at my job matters, two, that I have a shit ton of stress at work, and three that I don't feel appreciated when I'm at work.

With Master I feel appreciated. It doesn't  feel like I don't matter. It doesn't feel like I'm replaceable. With Master I feel loved, cared for, wanted, needed, and protected.

Damn real world and all it's bullshit has to come in and pause it from 9 to 5 Monday through Friday.

At least if it's a day off of work and we have a lot of errands to do, I'm still with Him. As mundane as the errand(s) may be, I'm with Him. And if I'm not I don't have anything sucking the life out of me before I get home to Him.

I'm going to try fucking hard as hell to just keep my mind where it is right now throughout the work week and then maybe, hopefully, I won't feel so washed out come Friday.

My Place

Today I did something that I am not happy with myself about. I forgot my place. It's not like I went off on Master or anything stupid like that. Actually, to most people, it is a small detail. But I know Master wasn't pleased and I was pissed at myself for it.
The worst part of it is that I didn't even think about it when I was doing it. I was all tra-la-la in my head and not remembering the rules. Like I said it will most likely sound stupid to most people, especially when I'm making such a big deal out of it. I'm actually making a bigger deal out of it than Master is.

So what was it? Well, it is cold as fuck today. It has been all day and since I spent so much of the day running around, in and out of the car, I just could not shake the chill off of me. Never mind I was completely bundled up all day. I had jeans, a hoodie, my winter boots, my leather jacket, my leather gloves, and a knit winter hat on. But the cold still clung to me. I could feel it in my joints, that's for damn sure. It's oh so much fun being 30 years old with fibromyalgia. There are days where I feel a hell of a lot older than I actually am.

Anyway, back to the point here. Like i said it felt like I couldn't shake the chill at all. So I wanted to stay comfy. After I got home I stayed fully dressed for a little while because I though I was going to take the dog out as it is my day to do so. But Master knew how tired and sore I was from all the running around and how early I had to get up. He was kind enough to take the mutt out for me this afternoon.

Since I didn't have to go anywhere I took of my jeans but left my hoodie on and immediately started putting on my yoga pants. I acted as if it wasn't a big deal. I didn't even blink I simply did it. Master looked at me and commented about how I didn't even think to ask permission to stay dressed. The rule is when I'm at home I'm either to be naked or, if we had the blinds on the patio door open, I'm allowed to wear a longer t-shirt with nothing else on. Obviously the t-shirt is long enough to wear no one would be able to see anything. It's always one of His shirts so there is no problem there.

But at that moment I didn't stop to ask if I may stay dressed or get comfortable wearing a hoodie and yoga pants. In fact I didn't even realize it until He made that comment. I was immediately upset with myself and I literally hung my head down. He told me that I might as well stay dressed for a while. I still felt bad and He didn't punish me. I think He let it slide with just a not so happy toned comment because as I was putting on my yoga pants I was explaining to Him how I had felt the cold down to my bones all damn day.

There is, however, a huge difference in explaining why I'm putting on clothes and asking permission to put on clothes. If I had asked permission and then explain why, or the other way around, that would be acceptable. I would be asking permission to do something and explaining why I am asking.

I only did the explanation and left the whole asking permission thing out of it. Like I said, I didn't even think while I was doing it. I was just so focused on how cold I felt that I acted without thinking. Never mind it should be second fucking nature to ask permission. After all, it has been a rule forever and a fucking day.

He forgave me though. I was cold and I had gotten up today earlier than I get up on a normal work day because I had some important shit to take care of which started before dawn. He did let me stay comfortable though for a while and I did ask permission to take a nap. He allowed it. I felt a lot better when I woke up.

However, since that mishap I have been very careful about asking permission. I asked permission to keep my socks on once I did slip out of my comfy clothes. My feet stay cold for a long time. He allowed that. And then when I got done taking the dog out and we were able to settle in for the night I again asked to keep my socks on. Again He allowed it.

I feel stupid for that fuck up. It's not a huge fuck up but it's still a fuck up. Master hasn't brought it up since that one comment and I am not supposed to dwell on things. And I'm not. I'm not beating myself up about it but I wanted to post about it.

Love & Passion

For as long as I can remember, since I started liking boys, I've always had an idea of what kind of guy I wanted to be with. I decided what my "type" was basically. And I had decided a few things. I wanted someone older than me. I've always found people my own age to be annoying as hell. More so when I was a teenager. But I also knew that I didn't want to go past a 10 year age gap. I still wanted the ability to enjoy the same things, such as music and movies. Those are only a couple of examples. I felt as if I went past that 10 year age gap that possibility would get smaller and smaller. I also wanted someone tall. I wanted someone with ink. I wanted someone funny. I wanted a bad boy that treated me right. I know that sounds cliche but that's how I honestly felt. I wanted someone who could protect me even though I can take care of myself. I wanted someone who accept me for me because I know I'm a bit morbid and quirky. Quirky probably doesn't even come close to it, but that's the only word I can think of right now. I'm odd.

I basically wanted a bad ass mother fucker that I could connect with on all levels across the board and  fall deeply in love with.

I never had that in any of my previous relationships. Then again when I met Master I was only 20 years old. So literally every single relationship prior to that was teenager bullshit. And I was also mistreated in past relationships. So I also had self esteem and self image issues. It took me a while to get over those. I was actually just surprised, in the beginning, that Master wanted me. Like I said, self image issues. He is so handsome and exactly what I've always wanted. And there He is, right in front of me, and He wanted me.

The love came later. It started as a one night stand. And then it continued. But we also had a lot of fun together in and out of the bedroom. The connection didn't take long to form and love came rather quickly.

I honestly never thought about the dynamic issue. When I decided on my type I never thought about the dynamic part. After all I was really young. I was still figuring out things. But the rest of it I was sure of.

And now that is exactly what I have. I have a tall, handsome, very funny, bad boy that treats me well. We have an 8 year age gap. And He has ink. We both had ink when we first met. Ink is a turn on for me. The dynamic is just a bonus.

I never knew that a connection so deep could ever exist. I didn't think that people who were together as long as we have been would still be so in love and still very passionate about each other. And here we are 10 years into our relationship and 6 years into our marriage. And that is exactly what is going on. Our connection and love are still very much going strong. We are still very passionate about one another.

Our relationship isn't perfect. We both have flaws. We both have annoying little things that we do. But none of that matters. Relationships can't be perfect and neither can people. Perfection is fake. I don't want to be fake, I don't want Him to be fake, and I don't want our relationship to be fake. I was it all to be real. And it is.

Real Life

Master and I had incredible sex this past weekend. It was wonderful. Our sex life seems to be on a down swing unless it's a weekend. I know why. I'm so tired and we're both sore as hell. Other things are going on around us aside from work. There are just a lot of things for us to keep our eyes on that it's hard to focus on one thing for an extended period of time. And so, sex and kink goes on the back burner.

Welcome to real life, right? Right.

It sucks but every day can't be pain, control, and orgasms. Unfortunately. That would be awesome as hell. Nothing but be a slave and a wife all day long while everything works itself out and things go smooth as silk. But that's not how things go. It seems like to older we get (both Him and I) the more we focus on things outside of the dynamic. And it's not like it's on unimportant things. They are extremely important. We're focusing on end goals and how to get ourselves there.

And it's not as if we don't think about the dynamic at all. It's still in place. It's always in place. It's just not at the forefront as much. And honestly, the dynamic is focused on more than the sex. That's not a bad thing really.

He enforces everything. Bedtimes. Rules. Needing permission to do things. You know, the day to day stuff. And the day to day portion of the dynamic is important. I would be lying if I said it wasn't. If that goes the whole tower of cards falls down.

The sex isn't top priority. Sex is important. But life gets in the way. A long day, sore muscles, and a tired mind gets in the way. I know a lot of it is me. I also know that Master's body has been giving Him hell lately too.

But now all of a sudden my migraines are back. I had a bad one yesterday. I've had one sneaking up on me on and off all day today.

One day everything will settle. The end goal will be a reality and maybe, just maybe we can go back to relaxing a little more, breathing a little easier, and be able to be more care free.

Broken Toy

I'm lucky to have a Husband/Master that is so understanding. I don't have anything seriously wrong with me medically, but what I do have sucks ass and gets in the way of things sometimes. Master has known about them since the beginning. Well, minus the bipolar part since I didn't even know until a few years ago. But aside from that, He's known about all of them.

Two of the biggest ones I have that I feel get in the way are severe migraines and fibromyalgia. The migraines aren't nearly as frequent as they use to be when I was a teenager. You could damn near set a clock to them back then. But now? Once in a blue moon. Even still though.

Fibromyalgia is every damn day. No days off. All I can hope for is a day that isn't too bad. Constant chronic pain is just so much fucking fun. And sometimes, if the pain is bad enough, it will lead into a migraine. Or the migraine will make the fibromyalgia worse. They team up on me sometimes.

Today was one of those times. I was at work and everything seemed fine. But then at about 9am or so a migraine walked up and sucker punched me. I worked through it for a while. However, it progressively got worse. I actually threw up a couple of times because of it. It was causing sharp pains in my temples that would then shoot through the rest of my brain. The dull ache right at the base of my skull stayed with me the entire time. So with each sudden shock of pain the pain at the base of my skull would hurt more.

And then the fibromyalgia was like, "Hey.. let me help!" and my neck started killing me. My eyes were really light sensitive and here I am trying to stare at a computer constantly and sitting under florescent lights. I actually ended up leaving work early. I couldn't take much more. I drove slowly on the way home.

Since I've gotten home I've pretty much done nothing but lay down. I've either been leaning against one arm of the couch or I've curled up on the couch with the dog and I trying to fight each other for how much room the other one got.

My point to this though, is that sometimes I feel like a broken toy. I'm only 30 and sometimes my body hurts so bad I feel 105. And when my really bad day hits I'm pretty much useless. Rather than me doing what a good slave is supposed to do I'm laying on the couch, wincing because I don't want to move but laying down hurts too. And there are times where I have to ask Master to wash my hair because I simply can't reach above my head without my neck feeling like it's going to get stuck or my shoulders cramp up and make me cry if I try to raise my arms too high. Or both. And there are the times where I'm basically asking Him to work on my back, neck, or shoulders every night for a week straight just so I can get some relief.

I know He doesn't mind. And I know that I can't help it. But that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about it sometimes. Today I feel useless, even though I'm still pretty active. I'm not sure why, since it's not a horrible day. But if it's bad enough for me to leave work, it's pretty bad. So I don't feel like I can do a lot. I can fetch Him a soda or something like that but everything else... not so much.

I guess sometimes I just feel like He is doing way more for me than I'm doing for Him. Like I said, I'm very lucky that He is so understanding.

Stay In Focus

Today hasn't been as fun filled as the past three days have been. I don't mean that in a bad way at all. The past three days there was a lot of fucking, talking and other things going on. Today has been pretty much just us sitting in the living room. We were supposed to go run a couple of errands today but we both agreed that we didn't really want to go anywhere and that the errands could wait until tomorrow or Tuesday.

So today we have just been taking it easy and being lazy. Like I said, it's not a bad thing. We have reconnected these past three days, in a way that was somewhat overdue. So many things easily take over. Real life gets in the way and takes the forefront because you have to deal with it right then and there.

I mean, we're good. It's not like we needed to work on our marriage or dynamic. I feel that we just needed to reconnect. We needed to touch base on an emotional, mental, and physical level that we just haven't had "time" to do lately.

Which is bullshit. I understand that. We always have time. It's just that we haven't really looked past the day to day bullshit to connect on those deeper levels.

It's weird. I mean we talk constantly, we don't have anything to really work on, and yet when days like those come around it's somewhat of an eye opener.

Yes, you have to deal with the day to day. But that doesn't mean you can't take a moment each day to just focus completely on one another without the other shit seeping in. Easier said than done. And yes, the dynamic is part of that focus. Master and I discussed such yesterday.

And the conversation came about so naturally. It was almost as if we didn't realize that it was something that needed to be said until the words were passing our lips.

One of the points Master brought up is that I need to let Him know my needs more. I have apparently started to slip backwards on that. I'm a lot better at it than I use to be. Hell, if you hold it up to how I use to be it's night and day. But He feels that I need to keep that in mind more and be more vocal about my needs and desires.

One of the points I brought up is that after anal I need aftercare but I know that we both have to get cleaned up immediately after. However, I told Him that I would still like some once we are clean. I don't need a lot. Holding me close or petting my hair. Something like that. I'm not a big after care person. Usually that's all I need.

A good example are the times where I've broken down and cried after sex due to severe sub drop. He will have my lay on my stomach and He'll cover my back with his chest and hold my wrist. To me, that's not a lot to need as far as aftercare goes. I've heard of some pretty elaborate needs for aftercare. So, my needing that kind of strong physical comfort is pretty minor in comparison. But that doesn't mean it isn't important or isn't needed.

Master told me that I should have brought that up a lot sooner and I know this. He wasn't mad or anything. Nothing along those lines. He just pointed out that is the kind of thing that He was talking about when He mentioned that I need to vocalize more to Him. Which is very true. 

Evolution

Master and I were trying to think of something to do. We didn't really feel like watching TV and nothing else sounded good either. So, we decided to just turn everything off and sit and talk for a while.

We ended up talking about BC. Yeah, I know. We can't judge him.. etc.. so on... blah blah blah. And we don't. We just don't always understand where the man is coming from and so we sometimes discuss it. Last night was one of those times. Neither of us can wrap our heads around what the hell is going on in that brain of his.

We can't always get what we want. A lot of people don't find their perfect someone. But in this situation, if you aren't happy with your sex life and you're on totally opposite ends of what you find to be a turn on... Well I just don't see how that works in the long run.

I know if didn't in my past relationships. It didn't in Master's past relationships either. When there are problems in the bedroom they follow you down the hall. Call it sexual frustration if you want, but it always bleeds into the rest of the relationship.

And as we were running through the conversation we eventually turned to our own relationship. It's interesting how we mesh on everything. If you take a couple of musical differences and tastes in a couple particular movies... we're right on point. It may sounds too good to be true, but it is. There are a handful of bands I like that He doesn't and it's true the other way around. And there are a handful of movies the same way. Other than that... point for point we match each other across the board.

It's also kind of odd how our kinks kind of range all over the place. It seems that in a lot of dynamics there are very specific things that the couple does and they stick to it. Master and I have dabbled in a lot of things. Some worked, some didn't, and some we just touch base on every now and then. There are also a few things that we did and enjoyed for a while but don't do anymore.

From what I've read, seen, and heard of that is kind of rare. Especially since we continued to dabble over the years, after we figured our dynamic out.

We are both extremely lucky to have found one another. It's a one in a trillion chance and yet here we are. Happily married. Blissfully in love. Very much in lust. Even after ten years. And I don't see it ever changing.

We evolve. Our marriage evolves. Our dynamic evolves. And it all seems very natural. It's not like we set out to change it up or keep it spicy. It just happens. We evolve into whatever it happens to be quite naturally. And it's all at the same time. There have been instances where one of us was more interested in something more than the other, but it always end up agreeing.

We have grown in so many different ways over the past decade. And it hasn't stopped.

Wanna Be

Master and I have this one particular friend, BC. He is the one that got married this past November. He has been friends with Master since high school and I have known him for almost as long as I've known Master. I would say a few months shy of it actually.

And since I met him it has been painfully apparent that he desperately wants to be Master. And by that, I mean he wants to be exactly like my Husband and attempts to live vicariously through Him. From what Master says it has always been that way. It's just that since Master and I got together it's been about different things. BC knows of our dynamic. In fact, Master has allowed him to participate here and there over the years. It hasn't happened in a long time. It ended shortly before he started dating his now wife. We respect their marriage even though we don't like his wife. You don't just have someone over while you're naked or near naked knowing that they have a wife at home that knows nothing about it and isn't in the lifestyle. Neither Master or myself feel comfortable with that. Not at all.

It's actually quite amusing when BC would attempt to give me an order. I mean, I listened. I did what I was told because Master had told me prior to him coming over what was going on and that I was to listen to him. So I behaved myself. But inside my head all I wanted to do was laugh.

Master has a presence to Him. He has looks and tones of voice and just... so many things that prove He is Alpha Dog. And BC... not even a little bit. Nope. Not at all. Which is exactly what makes it laughable.

You ever seen one of those "Mistresses" that think they are bad ass but you know that you could get them on their knees in a heart beat? Those are the ones that I say attempt to "Barbie" someone into submission. It's just laughable. It's when they talk but can't back it up. BC is the male version of that.

And with me, at least, you have to be able to back it up. Master can. BC? Pppfffttt. Yeah right.

The reason why all this popped into my head is because we are friends with him on a social networking site. And every now and then you'll see something that he started following. And wow... just wow... A lot of kink related shit and borderline porno sites with a kink twist.

It's funny because his wife can see this activity to. She obviously hasn't stopped him from doing it. I don't know if she's tried to or not. The other funny part is that I don't think he realizes it. This means his dad, his sister, his in-laws and members of her church can see it. I don't think anyone but Master or myself have noticed, but just the fact that it's possible is funny.

The other amusing part is that his wife has told me, before they were married, that he had tried to talk her into some "kinky" stuff and she told me that she was just not into it at all and wasn't willing to do it to please him. And that's the light stuff. When she said kinky I had asked her what she meant. She was talking about handcuffs and some rope for fucks sake.

And yet Master and I both know that BC wants what we have. He wants the full on power exchange. He wants to be able to say jump and have her ask how high without question.

That's not going to happen, obviously. And as a result, it appears that he is seeking other means to satisfy at least the mental part of it.

We haven't talked to him in quite some time, so we don't really know what all is up with that as all the activity is extremely recent. But... we also haven't told him we can see that activity and that as a result, other people can to. That's on him. Who knows. Maybe Master will eventually.

Still fucking funny though.

Icing on the Cake

Master and I had a good day today. And having great sex was just the icing on the cake. *smirks*

We haven't been having sex a lot lately. It seems it's either one thing or another. Or sometimes it's a combination of things. His back has been pretty bad lately. Then I've been falling asleep early and just feeling completely drained. So yeah, for a little while now it's been a little on the back burner I guess. Normally we'll fuck quite often through out the week, but lately it's been once or twice a week. There has just been a lot of shit going down and add on top of that the stuff I listed above... yeah. Sex hasn't really been in the forefront of either our minds.

But today we made up for it. We were sitting there watching TV and when an episode ended and another was about to begin Master said He wanted to go fool around. No complaints here.

He actually had to tail His hair today. It's at the length where it's always in His face. Once it gets longer it won't be an issue though.

He sucked and nipped at my tits before chewing on them for a little while. I was stroking His cock as He did so. He asked me if I wanted to be eaten out or to just fuck. I grabbed His cock more firmly, smirked and said I just wanted to fuck.

He forced my legs apart and as He knelt between my legs I reached over and gently pulled His arm over me and slid my grip up to His wrist and placed His hand on my throat. He knew what I needed. He pressed down on my throat and gripped it harder while He rubbed the head of His cock against my slit.

When He forced His cock inside of me He dug His fingers into the side of my neck while applying more pressure. It wasn't long before He ordered me to cum. He told me to either cum or pass out. Yes, His grip was tight enough where all He really had to do was add a tiny bit more pressure and He could have easily made me pass out.

I got off really fucking hard. That kind of shit turns me on and He knows it. He loves that about me.

After telling me to get off a two more times He pulled out, grabbed my ankles and flipped me onto my stomach. He started off by opening my legs wide and tucking His feet under my legs, forcing them farther apart. He would normally have pinned me down by gripping my wrists and leaning over me. But not this time.

He wrapped my hair around His hand and pinned my face to the mattress. I couldn't have moved without ripping hair out. It was a very tight grip. He placed His other hand on my shoulder and proceeded to use me for His pleasure only. I was no longer allowed to cum. He eventually let go of my hair and had me close my legs and cross my legs at the ankles. He placed one hand on my shoulder and the other on my lower back and pumped His cock inside me until He came.

We were both sweating afterward.

We broke the mini drought.

Grab Your Nikes And Drink The Kool-Aid

I love my Husband. I love Him so much that every year I find it amazing that I have actually grown closer to Him. Why? Because I thought we had already reached that peak. But every year I'm proven wrong because I realize that yes, we are closer than we were this time a year ago.

I am lucky to have found my mate when I was so young. I really am. I have no idea what the hell I would do without Him. I'll fully admit that.

But... (there is always a but) ... I know that I could. I don't want to. I never, ever want to but I know that it would be possible.

So, what started this fucked up thought process? Yes, another thread on Fet. A rather morbid one actually, which is honestly why I started reading it. It was a "What would you do when your Master/Mistress passes away?" as well as a "What have you put in place for your slave when you pass away?"

I told you it was morbid. So many people answered that they don't think they'll be able to go on living. Me? I won't have a choice in the matter. If He passes first I know that I will have to continue to care for our animals and to move forward with my life. I know that He wouldn't want me to give up on everything and just crawl into a dark hole somewhere never to return. I may do that for a while, admittedly. I will say that I will never be Owned again and I have no intentions what so ever of searching for another romantic partner.

I think I'll end up being a lot like my grandfather. His wife (my grandmother) has been gone for 19 years, soon to be 20. He lives. He does what he needs to do. He has never gone on one single date and he still celebrates their wedding anniversary. He just goes through his life and takes care of his dog. Yep. That will be me. That is, as I said, if He passes away first. Which He damn well better not any time fucking soon.

Okay.. so where is the kool-aid comment coming from? So many people on that thread were saying how they just couldn't possibly continue to live in any way, shape, or form. That serving them is their one and only purpose in this life.

I do believe that I was always meant to be with Master. I truly do. I do not believe that our dynamic was written in the stars though. That is something that we entered into on our own because that is how we naturally interact with one another and basically it's what gets us off.

They refer to the fact that they are so dependent on their Owner that they literally cannot function without them. It's as if they walked up to their Owner wearing Nikes and a jumpsuit, were handed a dixie cup full of kool-aid and went "Okay!" and did it like a shot.

I am dependent on Master, but not to the point where I literally cannot make any decisions without Him. I am not a robot. I am not mindless. That isn't what He would want me to be like, which is a good thing because I don't want to be like that either.

I know everyone has different kinks but to me this goes beyond the kink territory and enters into a rather scary realm of what the fuck.