Keeping The Leash In Mind

It seems like our life has been nothing but stress lately. I'm not exaggerating or trying to get sympathy. It's just how it is right now. And given everything that is going on Master has been loosening the leash more and more. It's not one of those situations where He is giving me enough rope to hang myself by it. He is trying to ease up on my stress by backing that particular aspect of our relationship off. And honestly, I know I've been taking advantage of that. I don't mean to. I truly don't. But I know I am.

He's not doing it "only" because of the situation with my grandfather. There is a metric fuck ton of other shit going on right now and it all adds to the other, creating this snowball effect that is threatening to bury us both at this point. We are doing our best to make sure it doesn't but so much is out of both of our hands that there isn't much we can do about it.

As a result, like I said, Master has been doing everything He can to make sure that nothing is added to all of this. I've ran with it. I know that He didn't let up on the dynamic so I can run around free of the leash, but it sometimes feels like I am and it's not His fault. It's all on me.

I will fully admit that there are some things that I need to be able to express without the leash in mind. And that is all well and good. But by my taking advantage of it, it has kind of defeated the purpose and honestly only hurt the situation. I know it adds to His stress, which isn't fair.

I need to keep the leash in mind more. After all, it'll lessen His stress and it will most likely make me feel better as well. For all I know it's adding to mine as well because I don't really have a structure that I'm following.

Now, that doesn't mean that I won't feel the need to pull away from the leash at times in certain situations but that's not the point. Those situations would be rather extreme at this point.

I feel horrible and ashamed that it has taken me this long to realize exactly how far off the leash I've been.  running. The man seriously deserves a medal for everything He is going through right now. He'll tell you that I'm going through more on an emotional level and all that but still....

I need to correct myself. I need to keep the leash in mind as much as I possibly can. I think having at least most of the structure back will help both of us and will make both of us feel better. And right now I think we both need something else aside from the stress to focus on.