Broken Toy

I'm lucky to have a Husband/Master that is so understanding. I don't have anything seriously wrong with me medically, but what I do have sucks ass and gets in the way of things sometimes. Master has known about them since the beginning. Well, minus the bipolar part since I didn't even know until a few years ago. But aside from that, He's known about all of them.

Two of the biggest ones I have that I feel get in the way are severe migraines and fibromyalgia. The migraines aren't nearly as frequent as they use to be when I was a teenager. You could damn near set a clock to them back then. But now? Once in a blue moon. Even still though.

Fibromyalgia is every damn day. No days off. All I can hope for is a day that isn't too bad. Constant chronic pain is just so much fucking fun. And sometimes, if the pain is bad enough, it will lead into a migraine. Or the migraine will make the fibromyalgia worse. They team up on me sometimes.

Today was one of those times. I was at work and everything seemed fine. But then at about 9am or so a migraine walked up and sucker punched me. I worked through it for a while. However, it progressively got worse. I actually threw up a couple of times because of it. It was causing sharp pains in my temples that would then shoot through the rest of my brain. The dull ache right at the base of my skull stayed with me the entire time. So with each sudden shock of pain the pain at the base of my skull would hurt more.

And then the fibromyalgia was like, "Hey.. let me help!" and my neck started killing me. My eyes were really light sensitive and here I am trying to stare at a computer constantly and sitting under florescent lights. I actually ended up leaving work early. I couldn't take much more. I drove slowly on the way home.

Since I've gotten home I've pretty much done nothing but lay down. I've either been leaning against one arm of the couch or I've curled up on the couch with the dog and I trying to fight each other for how much room the other one got.

My point to this though, is that sometimes I feel like a broken toy. I'm only 30 and sometimes my body hurts so bad I feel 105. And when my really bad day hits I'm pretty much useless. Rather than me doing what a good slave is supposed to do I'm laying on the couch, wincing because I don't want to move but laying down hurts too. And there are times where I have to ask Master to wash my hair because I simply can't reach above my head without my neck feeling like it's going to get stuck or my shoulders cramp up and make me cry if I try to raise my arms too high. Or both. And there are the times where I'm basically asking Him to work on my back, neck, or shoulders every night for a week straight just so I can get some relief.

I know He doesn't mind. And I know that I can't help it. But that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about it sometimes. Today I feel useless, even though I'm still pretty active. I'm not sure why, since it's not a horrible day. But if it's bad enough for me to leave work, it's pretty bad. So I don't feel like I can do a lot. I can fetch Him a soda or something like that but everything else... not so much.

I guess sometimes I just feel like He is doing way more for me than I'm doing for Him. Like I said, I'm very lucky that He is so understanding.

Small Rant

Today I woke up with a small headache at the base of my neck. Okay, whatever. I'll just pop a couple of aspirin and it'll go away before lunch. Apparently, I was wrong about that though.

As soon as I got under those damn florescent lights my headache got worse. It was no longer just at the back of my neck. It was wrapping around to my temples like a vice grip. This also caused my eyes to hurt. And when the migraine gets to that point my eyes become light sensitive. And I sit right below a string of those fucking florescent lights. I was started to consider going home. I was starting to feel a little sick to my stomach from the pain in my head. But I pushed it off. Maybe I'll feel better after my lunch break. I can go outside and get out from under those lights. Plus, I could wear my sunglasses. Not to mention some fresh air might help.

But it didn't take long into my lunch break for me to realize that the aspirin wasn't kicking in at all. Never mind I had already popped more shortly into getting to work. The fresh air felt good and my eyes didn't hurt nearly as much being outside with sunglasses. But that ick feeling in my stomach wasn't going away and the throbbing in my head wasn't slacking off either.

I tried to call Master but He didn't pick up. So I sent him a text message to let Him know how I was feeling and that I would be leaving early. I didn't even ask the passenger in my carpool whether or not he wanted to leave. I just simply sent him an e-mail saying that I was leaving two hours early and if he wanted to I would still drop him off.

Normally I ask him and base my decision on that. Why? Well, gas money is a large part of it. If I don't give him the ride then I don't get part of that gas money, obviously. The other part is because I am trying to be a nice person so he doesn't have to scramble to find a different way home.

But honestly, I am getting sick of the whole carpool bullshit. I hate having to work around his schedule/preferences. For instance, if I want to/need to go into work early I have to hold back because he doesn't want to leave that early. That's when the whole, well I need the gas money thing comes into play.

I have talked to both my mom and Master about it and they both understand that I need the gas money but they also see how frustrated I'm getting now that I'm swamped and am staying swamped. I don't know. It's not really feasible to drop him yet simply because gas is so expensive. I could try to find a way to make sure I can cover what he would normally give me, but I'm not sure yet.

Anyway, I dropped him off and then dropped off our rent check since it was on the way home. By the time I got home I just felt shitty as hell. Master asked me what I wanted to do and I said I didn't really care. I think He had a feeling that I would pass out at some point so He just started playing His video game. I wrapped myself in my throw blanket to get comfortable and then the dog and I both took a long nap on the couch. It's a good thing we can both fit on it. It helps that I'm petite as he is a pretty big dog.

Master woke me up right before He started cooking dinner. It felt a lot better, especially after I ate. My headache is gone now. There is still tension in my neck and shoulders. That's part of my problem is that if I feel pain in one area of my body it doesn't take long for it to settle in my "usual" areas. That would be my neck, shoulders and lower back.

Falling To Pieces

Today was pretty bad pain wise. It started off as a regular headache when I got up this morning. Then after a couple of hours sitting under florescent lighting, it slowly turned into a migraine. I was popping pain pills like tic tacs today.

But it wasn't only my head that was bothering me. My right shoulder was twitching on and off and just burned. I think this is in part due to the fact that I'm not use to this much driving. Normally when we go somewhere Master is the one driving. For the longest time the only time I really drove was to do errands without Master or to go visit my mother.

I've been driving the carpool for about a month now and I think my body just isn't use to it yet. Hopefully, over time, my body will learn to deal with it better.

Oh, and just to add to the fun of it all my right wrist ended up hurting like hell, even with my wrist brace on. So I tightened the brace and slowed down with the things I was doing at work. It feels better now but it's also been about four hours since I was on a computer typing. And since it's my blog post I can type a little slower than I usually would.

I was thinking to myself that if I didn't really love my ink I would have ripped off my right arm. Since it was that shoulder and that wrist it was like the pain was shooting into my elbow from both directions. At the time I thought it would be less painful to just take that arm off. But ya know, like I said I really love the ink on that arm... plus Master would not have been pleased.

I'm falling apart. I'm only 29 right now. I don't even want to think about how I'm going to feel when I'm 50.

When we sat outside tonight Master and I grabbed our chairs rather than using the ones over at our neighbors. They have plastic chairs. It's not that they are extremely uncomfortable but my shoulders just can't take it after a while. It's too rigid.

We have metal chairs with really plush cushions on them. It's a lot more comfortable and they are wider so I can change how I'm sitting if I need to. As a result I was able to be more comfortable for a longer period of time.

One of these days I know I'm going to have to go to a pain specialist again. I'm not looking forward to it to be honest. Yes, it'll give me some relief but there aren't a lot of pain killers I can take since I'm allergic to codeine. I would normally just get a prescription for IBU Profin 600 milligrams. At that rate I can just buy a big bottle over the counter and take three 200 milligram pills. But some muscle relaxers would be awesome.

I'm trying to push that off as long as possible. It's pain. I can deal with it. I've been dealing with this shit (minus my wrist) since I was 14.

My Head Hates Me

Last night a migraine started to hit me out of nowhere. It started off with random shooting pains on the right side of my head. That was fun. I would be fine and then a sudden sharp pain would shoot from behind my ear, along my skull and into my temple. That fucking hurts, let me tell ya. Master allowed me to stay up even as the migraine got worse. Sometimes it hits a point where I want to do nothing but lay in a dark room and hear and see nothing what so ever. Thankfully, last night it didn't get that bad. I just laid down on the couch cuddling a blanket with the couch pillows propping me up. I knew that if I tried to go to sleep right away I would just get more aggravated because I wouldn't be able to sleep. I don't know about you, but not being able to fall asleep because of pain pisses me off.

I popped some Advil and stayed on the couch until Master told me I had to go to bed. He had allowed me to stay up past my bedtime by a half hour so I knew I couldn't push it. Plus, He worries about my health and didn't want my migraine to get any worse. So He gave me a big hug, a kiss to my forehead and had me head off to the bedroom.

Lately I've taken to shutting the bedroom door when I go to bed. I used to leave it open all the time because really, why shut it? Well, I've discovered that if I shut the door I don't have that urge to just get up and go into the living room when I can't sleep.

I guess it's kind of like putting a cover on bird cage. It's dark. It's time to sleep. Fuck it.

I couldn't fall asleep right away unfortunately. But I just forced myself to stay in one position rather than tossing and turning and eventually I drifted off. I have no idea what time it was because I refused to look at the clock. Looking at the clock when I'm trying to fall asleep is another good way to irritate myself. What do you mean it's already 2:30am?! What the fuck?!

You get the point.

This morning I woke up and I still had a small headache but nothing that couldn't be fixed with a couple more Advil and coffee. I feel fine now. It's been quite some time since I've had a migraine. I've had some bad headaches, but trust me there is a huge difference between a bad headache and a migraine.

Ugh

Today I woke up with a migraine. You have to love waking up with your head throbbing to the point that you don't even want to get out of bed because you don't want light hitting your eyes. But I got up. I took some pain pills and got ready for work. Thankfully it didn't take long for the edge to come off the migraine.

The rest of the day still sucked though. It seems that all of our stress is hitting me all at once. And it was today. I had an upsetting moment last night that Master helped me through. I was laying on the couch and we were watching something on Netflix. A part of the show came on that had to do with breast cancer and for some reason it hit me harder than usual as it had me thinking about my grandmother who died of cancer and I started crying. Master asked me why and I explained. Master had me sit up and He sat behind me and had me lay back down while He held me and rubbed my neck and in between my shoulder blades until I calmed down. He then got me a tissue once He felt I had gotten myself together. It was very sweet of Him and I feel that because of how He handled it I settled down more quickly.

Today because I was getting upset on and off due to the stress I called Him and He talked me down a bit and told me that it is a lot to take in at once and things just kind of snowballed the past two days. I felt better when He said that.

You can tell that the stress is taking it's toll though. I got home from work and ate dinner. We started watching a movie and shortly after I had finished eating I fell asleep. Master let me sleep until I woke on my own, which honestly wasn't that long ago. I'm not sick but when I'm stressed out and finally start to wind down I end up sleeping more than usual.

So I thought I would hop online, knock out my blog post, and then go take my bath. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Migraine From Hell

Yesterday around 2 or 3pm my head started to hurt. It started off at the temples and slowly but surely spread out to the rest of my head. By 6pm Master was hinting that I should go lay down. I didn't look well, I was cranky, my eyes couldn't focus for long and yeah.. it was time to lay my happy ass down.

So I went into the bedroom. I had made sure my alarms for the next day were set just so I wouldn't forget later. I figured it was 6pm so I would probably only sleep for a couple of hours and be fine again. Yeah. Right. That so did not happen.

Master checked on my three separate times. He woke me up each time to see how I was doing. I said my head still hurt and that I didn't feel well. So He allowed me to continue sleeping.

Around 9pm He woke me up so I could take my happy pill. Once that was done I still wasn't feeling well but Master said I should at least take my shower to see if that helped at all. So I mumbled something that kind of sounded like I agreed with Him and stumbled into the bathroom. It was a short shower. I got clean and I got the fuck out. The bathroom light was killing my eyes, but I didn't want to take a shower in the dark because knowing my clumsy self I would have slipped and cracked my head on something.

As soon as the shower was done I put on one of Master's t-shirts and came out into the living room for a little while. He looked at me and said that I should probably lay down again. I agreed and went back to bed.

I then slept through the rest of the night. So between 6 to 10pm I was only awake for a total of 25 minutes. I didn't get up again until 6am when my alarm went off. I got up with the intention of going to work. My head was still pounding but I figured I could muscle through it. I took the dog out, came back in.... and immediately threw up. Ugh. So once that was done I breathed for a little while and then tried to brush my teeth. Bad idea. I threw up again. By that point the pounding in my head became much worse and I was dizzy. So I sent a text to my carpool and said I wouldn't be going in. I called my supervisor to say I wasn't coming in.

I then went into the bedroom and grabbed the blindfold. No, not for anything kinky. Believe me I was not even remotely in the mood or condition to be doing anything sexual.

I didn't want to wake Master up by trying to climb back in bed. Instead I laid down on the couch, put the blindfold on so the light coming in between the blinds wouldn't murder my eyes and went back to sleep. So after being up for a total of 30 minutes I was asleep again. I slept until 9:30 am and I only woke up because I heard Master getting out of bed.

As the day went on my head stopped hurting so much, I wasn't as pale and I was no longer running a slight fever. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that. Thanks to my head causing me so much pain and my stomach taking sides with the mutiny my brain started I was running a slight fever. Bastards.

Around 4pm I finally started to feel normal. And now of course I'm not tired. I wonder why. In a total of 15 hours I was only awake for... let's round it up to an hour. So I slept for pretty much 14 hours straight. That's some bullshit.

It's back to work for me tomorrow. I know I won't be able to go to bed on time but that's okay. I don't really want to sleep. Sleeping that long kind of freaks me out. Why? I'm not sure. But it does.