Lip Service

Master had a talk with me last night. He told me that our dynamic has fallen to the way side. He told me that basically all I am doing is playing lip service to my station. He told me that He understands that I am under a fuck ton of stress due to family shit alone. Then you add the other shit that is going on on top of that and it just makes it worse. He wasn't loud or angry. He was extremely calm while telling me all of this.

I did not get upset. By that I mean I didn't break down crying or start yelling. I knew that He wasn't saying it to hurt me or anything along those lines. And I have to agree with Him. I'm in no way, shape, or form doing it on purpose. I'm not wanting to back out of the dynamic like I have said I wanted to in the past before I was medicated.

I also knew He was right.

While it was happening I didn't see it that way. Or I should say that I didn't really realize how far off the path it had gone. He hadn't brought it up sooner because of everything else going on and not wanting to stress me out further.

I really appreciate that, I truly do. I also appreciate that He is being so understanding. However, I did tell Him that I am glad He brought it up and that our relationship and dynamic are not part of the cluster fuck of things that are actually stressing me the hell out.

I'm glad that He brought it up.

I have been feeling down lately. Not because I need to up my meds or anything, but because everything seems to be closing in and becoming closer to being a reality. As soon as my grandfather is at peace the reality of what is actually going to happen with my father and the rest of the family is going to hit full force. It's not going to be slow. In fact I have a feeling that it will happen right after the wake, if not before.

But none of this excuses the way I have allowed things to slip on my end. I'm sure some of it is to be expected. I'm not perfect. And I'm not saying He expects me to be perfect. After all He has waited this long to bring it up to me. He has been patient.

I've just had my mind locked onto everything else so closely that I didn't realize what I was not paying enough attention to.

I'm going to try to refocus. It's not easy and He understands that. But I can try harder than I have been that's for sure. It'll also probably help me relax a bit rather than being so wound up all the time waiting for that final shoe to drop.