December 1, 2013

Loved, Needed, & Wanted

This may sound somewhat stupid. Hell, it may sound extremely stupid. But these past four days I have had off of work have really helped me. They have allowed me to decompress for more than a day and a half and it has also allowed me some extra down time that I really needed. I think it has helped me get back into the dynamic head space that I need to be in. 

I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like we've been able to focus on us 100% of the time. Thursday we were at His mom's, Friday we were at my dad's, yesterday we had to ourselves, and today we had to run an errand with His mom. That errand took significantly longer than either of us expected but oh well. It's done.

But I don't always need it to be just the two of us time in order to get back into where I need to be. I felt myself getting it right a little bit more each day. I feel that I took a bigger step yesterday because it was all about us, but it was bit by bit. And today I feel like I should feel.

I'm not saying that I was completely out of sync. I wasn't. I was minding my place, I was being a good girl (for the most part), and I was serving Him as I am supposed to. But I haven't gone this deep into that head space in a long, long time.

It's just that so many other things bleed into one day after another that it's not always easy to just let it all flow off my back like water so I can focus properly. These past four days I have had time to do so. It was bit by bit but it eventually accelerated and here I am now.

I always feel so much more peaceful when I'm in that deep slave space that my mind goes to. I wish I could feel like this all the time. Hell, I wish I could stay home and be a stay at home slave. That's never going to happen mind you. It's not financially feasible just as it isn't for most couples, married or otherwise. And unless we run into a fuck ton of money, it's never going to be feasible. It's just how the world works.

But on nights like tonight, where I know that in a handful of hours I'll have to go to bed in order to go to work in the morning that wish becomes very strong. At least being a slave is easier. Well, not really easier. But at least when I'm doing that I'm in a more peaceful state of mind. I feel like I have purpose. I feel like I'm doing something that matters.

Bringing home a paycheck matters. It really, really does. But the things I do to earn a paycheck feels so bland and gray. My whole work day just seems paled out. Almost as if there isn't any color until I get home from work. And then, even though it's night time, I feel like the color snaps back.

If I were able to just stay home and serve Him the color wouldn't bleed away. I know a lot of it is that one, I don't really feel like what I do at my job matters, two, that I have a shit ton of stress at work, and three that I don't feel appreciated when I'm at work.

With Master I feel appreciated. It doesn't  feel like I don't matter. It doesn't feel like I'm replaceable. With Master I feel loved, cared for, wanted, needed, and protected.

Damn real world and all it's bullshit has to come in and pause it from 9 to 5 Monday through Friday.

At least if it's a day off of work and we have a lot of errands to do, I'm still with Him. As mundane as the errand(s) may be, I'm with Him. And if I'm not I don't have anything sucking the life out of me before I get home to Him.

I'm going to try fucking hard as hell to just keep my mind where it is right now throughout the work week and then maybe, hopefully, I won't feel so washed out come Friday.

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