Two of the biggest ones I have that I feel get in the way are severe migraines and fibromyalgia. The migraines aren't nearly as frequent as they use to be when I was a teenager. You could damn near set a clock to them back then. But now? Once in a blue moon. Even still though.
Fibromyalgia is every damn day. No days off. All I can hope for is a day that isn't too bad. Constant chronic pain is just so much fucking fun. And sometimes, if the pain is bad enough, it will lead into a migraine. Or the migraine will make the fibromyalgia worse. They team up on me sometimes.
Today was one of those times. I was at work and everything seemed fine. But then at about 9am or so a migraine walked up and sucker punched me. I worked through it for a while. However, it progressively got worse. I actually threw up a couple of times because of it. It was causing sharp pains in my temples that would then shoot through the rest of my brain. The dull ache right at the base of my skull stayed with me the entire time. So with each sudden shock of pain the pain at the base of my skull would hurt more.
And then the fibromyalgia was like, "Hey.. let me help!" and my neck started killing me. My eyes were really light sensitive and here I am trying to stare at a computer constantly and sitting under florescent lights. I actually ended up leaving work early. I couldn't take much more. I drove slowly on the way home.
Since I've gotten home I've pretty much done nothing but lay down. I've either been leaning against one arm of the couch or I've curled up on the couch with the dog and I trying to fight each other for how much room the other one got.
My point to this though, is that sometimes I feel like a broken toy. I'm only 30 and sometimes my body hurts so bad I feel 105. And when my really bad day hits I'm pretty much useless. Rather than me doing what a good slave is supposed to do I'm laying on the couch, wincing because I don't want to move but laying down hurts too. And there are times where I have to ask Master to wash my hair because I simply can't reach above my head without my neck feeling like it's going to get stuck or my shoulders cramp up and make me cry if I try to raise my arms too high. Or both. And there are the times where I'm basically asking Him to work on my back, neck, or shoulders every night for a week straight just so I can get some relief.
I know He doesn't mind. And I know that I can't help it. But that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about it sometimes. Today I feel useless, even though I'm still pretty active. I'm not sure why, since it's not a horrible day. But if it's bad enough for me to leave work, it's pretty bad. So I don't feel like I can do a lot. I can fetch Him a soda or something like that but everything else... not so much.
I guess sometimes I just feel like He is doing way more for me than I'm doing for Him. Like I said, I'm very lucky that He is so understanding.
No comments:
Post a Comment