High Doses

My neck is doing better. We had gone down to my father's a couple of days ago and my neck was still fucking with me. As a result my dad asked me if I wanted any ibuprofen. I said yes and so he handed me 800 milligrams worth. He knows how I am. After all he used to have to deal with it as I was growing up. That may sound like a lot, especially since I'm only 5ft1 and petite but for whatever reason I normally need a high dose of pain killers. It may be because of the fact that I've been dealing with fibromyalgia since I was a pre-teen. And I use to take some strong shit for that and my horrible migraines that would literally knock out my vision. I don't remember what I was taking for the migraines.... The name of the drug escapes me. And since I'm allergic to codeine I would have to take high doses of ibuprofen because Vicodin and all that has codeine in it. I found out that I was allergic to codeine the hard way because I was taking Tylenol 3 with codeine and nope.. I was sicker than a dog.

Over the years my body just picked up a tolerance to normal doses of ibuprofen when I was in a lot of pain. As a result I had to up the dosage over and over again. Hell even with "normal" levels of pain require higher dosages. Unless it is to the point that I think my neck is going to lock I normally do one of the following:

1.  400 milligrams of ibuprofen
2. 1,000 milligrams of Tylenol
3. 200 milligrams of ibuprofen and 500 milligrams of Tylenol (Sometimes mixing the two works better.)

For some reason Tylenol doesn't work as well. Not sure why. No clue.

And yes, I know that a lot of people will warn you about it harming your stomach or your liver, etc. and so on but what else can I do?

If I take anything less than that it doesn't even begin to put a dent in it. And all of my doctors in the past have told me to take the high dosages due to my tolerance and even when I go to the ER for my neck they give me 600 milligrams of ibuprofen. And it's not a small bottle they give me. If I could take medication with codeine in it I wouldn't need to take a high dosage. But I can't. Well, I could but only if I want to be throwing up constantly and possibly break out into hives. I've had some doctors try to tell me those are side effects rather than an allergy. Fuck that noise.

But since I took that 800 milligram ibuprofen and Master works rather hard on my neck I feel a lot better.

Can't -vs- Won't

(Another post done after midnight... So... this is the 07/04/14 post.)

Last night I wanted to write to get some shit out of my head. However, it wasn't something that I felt comfortable blogging about. It's not inappropriate. It's not anything like that. It was just not something I wanted to share with the world wide web. And I also hate making "private" posts. You know.. The ones that you have to type a password into in order to read it. Those, to me, if you have a public blog, don't make a lot of sense. I'm not judging anyone and honestly I thought about making a "private" post to get it all out of my head because I'm faster at typing than I am writing something out by hand. But I decided against it.

I wrote it all down and then I went to soak in the tub and read for a bit just to get some tension out of my neck that has been bothering me for four days. Due to issues with my neck and shoulders it can get to the point where my neck locks in one position. Thankfully that hasn't happened yet and I am doing everything I can for it not to happen aside from getting muscle relaxers. I am trying to avoid that. Soaking in the tub can help a lot. And last night it did relieve some of the discomfort, thankfully.

Due to what I wrote down and what Master and I had been talking about the past few days I woke up this morning feeling like I needed to get something pinned down as either a definite yes or no answer.

It was very last minute but we got it figured out and it is honestly a huge weight off of my chest to know the answer.

Yes, I know I am being extremely vague but that's all I'm willing to share.

If that's the case why am I blogging about it at all. Right?

Because I can and because it is a relief. Also, I needed to do a post tonight anyway so I might as well do it about this even if I can't really go into much about it. Well, I can but I won't. And I know that Master will not be upset with me about it. We have discussed it and we both feel a bit better now. And He knows why I am being vague.

Even though I am not going into detail I honestly feel better just by typing out the little bit I have.

Pain Therapy

Something crossed my mind earlier today. Anyone who reads this blog regularly knows two things about me. Okay, so you probably know a lot more than two things about me if you read this blog a lot, but for the sake of this blog post I'm referring to two things in particular. 1. That I am a masochist. 2. That I have fibromyalgia.

So anyway, what was running through my mind was that maybe one of them effects the other. No, I don't think that my being a masochist makes my fibromyalgia worse. That would be idiotic of me really. But I do think that my fibromyalgia effects my being a masochist. I know that not all of my nerve endings react the way they normally would. I'm not sure if it's directly related or not, but it's something that I noticed about myself.

There are times where my neck and/or shoulders are really bothering me. They haven't gone into full lock up/don't fucking touch or breathe on them mode but they are pretty bad. And I remember a few times where, for whatever reason, I asked Master to bite me right where it was hurting the most.

Sounds dumb right? It hurts, so let's hurt it some more!

But it honestly helped. Master looked at me like I was nuts the first time I asked. It was my right shoulder. That muscle on top of your shoulder that meets up with the side of your neck. I'm not sure why the thought popped into my head but I just looked at Him and asked Him to bite my shoulder right next to the knot that was forming. Not the knot itself but just to the side of it.

He of course asked me if I was sure and I said yes. It's not like He wouldn't stop if I asked Him to. So He had me kneel in front of Him, with my back to Him. I moved my hair and He told me to take a deep breath. As I inhaled He positioned Himself and then as I exhaled He bit down.

It hurt like a mother fucker. I didn't ask Him to stop though. Well, not right away. Finally the pain got to be too much and I asked Him to stop. He immediately released my flesh from His jaws. I remember that I leaned forward, damn near putting my forehead to the floor. But then I sat back up and while I was light headed my shoulder actually felt looser, oddly enough.

It really did help. Yes, it hurt a lot but it kept my shoulder from getting to that place where it locks.

So, when that memory strolled on through my gray matter I started to wonder if maybe that's part of the reason why I enjoy certain kinds of pain. It keeps the focus off of my normal day to day pain. Not always, but sometimes.

The other part of it is just that I'm twisted that way. *smirks*

Broken Toy

I'm lucky to have a Husband/Master that is so understanding. I don't have anything seriously wrong with me medically, but what I do have sucks ass and gets in the way of things sometimes. Master has known about them since the beginning. Well, minus the bipolar part since I didn't even know until a few years ago. But aside from that, He's known about all of them.

Two of the biggest ones I have that I feel get in the way are severe migraines and fibromyalgia. The migraines aren't nearly as frequent as they use to be when I was a teenager. You could damn near set a clock to them back then. But now? Once in a blue moon. Even still though.

Fibromyalgia is every damn day. No days off. All I can hope for is a day that isn't too bad. Constant chronic pain is just so much fucking fun. And sometimes, if the pain is bad enough, it will lead into a migraine. Or the migraine will make the fibromyalgia worse. They team up on me sometimes.

Today was one of those times. I was at work and everything seemed fine. But then at about 9am or so a migraine walked up and sucker punched me. I worked through it for a while. However, it progressively got worse. I actually threw up a couple of times because of it. It was causing sharp pains in my temples that would then shoot through the rest of my brain. The dull ache right at the base of my skull stayed with me the entire time. So with each sudden shock of pain the pain at the base of my skull would hurt more.

And then the fibromyalgia was like, "Hey.. let me help!" and my neck started killing me. My eyes were really light sensitive and here I am trying to stare at a computer constantly and sitting under florescent lights. I actually ended up leaving work early. I couldn't take much more. I drove slowly on the way home.

Since I've gotten home I've pretty much done nothing but lay down. I've either been leaning against one arm of the couch or I've curled up on the couch with the dog and I trying to fight each other for how much room the other one got.

My point to this though, is that sometimes I feel like a broken toy. I'm only 30 and sometimes my body hurts so bad I feel 105. And when my really bad day hits I'm pretty much useless. Rather than me doing what a good slave is supposed to do I'm laying on the couch, wincing because I don't want to move but laying down hurts too. And there are times where I have to ask Master to wash my hair because I simply can't reach above my head without my neck feeling like it's going to get stuck or my shoulders cramp up and make me cry if I try to raise my arms too high. Or both. And there are the times where I'm basically asking Him to work on my back, neck, or shoulders every night for a week straight just so I can get some relief.

I know He doesn't mind. And I know that I can't help it. But that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about it sometimes. Today I feel useless, even though I'm still pretty active. I'm not sure why, since it's not a horrible day. But if it's bad enough for me to leave work, it's pretty bad. So I don't feel like I can do a lot. I can fetch Him a soda or something like that but everything else... not so much.

I guess sometimes I just feel like He is doing way more for me than I'm doing for Him. Like I said, I'm very lucky that He is so understanding.

Damn Neck

Today is not a good day as far as my fibromyalgia goes. For the past day or so my neck has been a bit stiff. Nothing unusual there. But today it has been worse. It's not quite to the point where I'm worried that it's going to get stuck. It feels like it's just before that point. This has happened before and I've been able to stop it.

It doesn't help that I sit at a desk for 8+ hours a day. It's not so much because I'm staring at a computer. It's more that I'm staring at the computer screen and having to keep turning my neck and looking down to look at files or paperwork. That's all my neck is doing most of the day. Turning slightly and looking down. Ugh.

So I've been having to place pressure on the left side of my neck. Either right smack dab in the middle of the left side or just behind the ear on the left side. It's all that really makes it feel better when it gets to be too much. I've also been rolling my neck quite a bit just so it doesn't get too tight.

While we were watching The Exorcist III tonight after dinner I had to lay down with my neck propped up. It feels a little bit better right now. Still tight and stiff though.

I know some of you may be thinking to yourself that maybe I shouldn't be on a computer right now. But honestly, if I just lay down and keep still it hurts more after a while. Also, since I'm at home I don't have to keep so focused on anything and can move around so my neck isn't in one position too long. For example as I'm typing this I keep stretching my neck, rolling it, and looking around for the hell of it.

Hopefully it'll feel better tomorrow.

Taking It Lightly

I actually used to be on social security for my fibromyalgia and migraines. It was before I was 18. My parents couldn't afford all the medical bills as it seemed everyone and their mom wanted to send me to yet another specialist. Some of it was because they couldn't figure out what was causing the migraines. The other was trying to find different ways to manage my pain levels.

I was taken off of social security when I was 19. I had gone up for review and I no longer wanted to go to doctors and specialists when they weren't helping. Also, they had decided that I was able to work, so since I was an adult I was kicked off.

Obviously, I can work, so it's not like I'm complaining. It's just really frustrating when I tell people I have fibromyalgia and am in a lot of pain and they act like it's not that big of a deal. I know I don't show pain easily. I also know that I can do everything everyone else does. Duh. But it hurts. I'm in constant pain. It just ebbs and flows. There are days where it isn't as bad and since I've been this way for so long I'm just used to it. Then there are days where I can barely stand it. And again there are other days where I can't stand it or my neck decides to get stuck. Or maybe I can't wash my hair that day because it hurts too badly to raise my arms that high. (Thankfully Master washes my hair on those days.)

So when people make light of my pain I tend to tell them, that yes, I actually used to get government aid because of it. Trust me, they don't give you that for nothing.

I have insurance now and have had it for a few years now, but I still haven't sought out a specialist. All they are going to do is pump me full of pills. Or maybe they'll try acupuncture again. Perhaps traction again... Or, they could do my personal favorite, which is shove giant needles into my shoulders with medication in them to see if that helps. Oh it helps, for two hours. I can't tell you how many times they did that to me. I've lost count. And I'm not being dramatic when I say huge needles. They were so long that I remember crying the first time I saw it because I thought it was going to scrape against my shoulder blade. Oh those lovely things called trigger point injections. Fuck you doctors.

I know part of the reason why some people take this lightly is because I don't show it. Call it pride. Call it being used to it. Call it being stubborn. But most people on a normal or only slightly bad day can't even tell. They wouldn't think it at all. And I can understand why. It doesn't show up in my face or my movements. It's not until a bad day hits that it's obvious. And I don't really change how I move or what I do.

It's not absolutely horrible today but holy fucking hell am I in pain today. I know it's showing in my movements today, and in how I'm sitting or standing. On and off through out the day my back and shoulder muscles have been twitching and locking momentarily. It's so much fun while having to sit in front of a computer or while carrying stacks of files.

Sorry, I just needed to rant about that simply because I'm in pain and something made me think of people in the past who acted like it was no big deal.

Painful Day

It's amazing how something so minor can cause a flare up of my fibromyalgia this badly. Yesterday I fell like an idiot. It honestly wasn't even that bad. Most people would just say ow, maybe be sore for a little bit and that would be that.

Oh no, not me. No.. my body likes to make the pain last. And it's not even the fun kind of pain!

Yesterday my neck was absolutely killing me, all the way up to the base of my skull. Master was kind enough to work on it for me. It felt a hell of a lot better and by the time I went to bed last night I felt fine physically.

Then this morning rears it's head and my shoulders and upper arms are in a lot of pain. I could barely put my arm in my jacket without wincing. Add to that I had an extremely busy day at work which involved quite a bit more lifting and carrying than usual and it did not help one little bit.

When I got home Master saw the look on my face when I was carefully sliding my jacket off. He said that He would work on my shoulders later and hopefully that'll help my upper arms as well.

I'm three months shy of being 30 and I feel like this. The pain, and how long it lasts when it flares up, is just getting worse it seems as I get older. I shudder to think what it will feel like when I'm 40.

Yes, I know I could go to a doctor and all that jazz. I used to do that. I went for years. All they did was dope me up. They eventually stopped my physical therapy because no matter what it would always go back to the way that it was. They thought it was a waste of time. They were right to a degree. I mean after all I would only get half a day of feeling fine before my muscles would go back to the consistent levels of pain that they are always in.

I don't even feel the constant low levels of pain anymore normally. The only time it even really effects me is when I have my flare ups, like now. But even with that I do all my normal stuff. It'll just be worse if I don't.

I'm so glad that I have Master to take care of me. He'll wash my hair if my shoulders get so bad that I almost can't stand to lift my hands above my head. He'll work on my neck, my back, my shoulders. Hell there's been times where He even works on my legs. I know I would be in a lot more pain on a daily basis if He didn't help me.

Living Dead Girl

You may be wondering why I didn't do a post last night. You may not be. I don't know, but I'm going to tell you why anyway.

While I was at work yesterday my neck and shoulders just got worse as the day was going on. The night prior to that I was in a lot of pain. I didn't want to move from the couch. I ended up going to bed early. Normally I ask to stay up a little or I wait until 11pm shows up on the clock and slowly make my way to the bedroom. But last night I just couldn't do it.

I woke up yesterday morning and I still was in quite a bit of pain but I had to go to work. I couldn't just call in. I couldn't afford to take the time off of work. But as the day progressed it just got to the point that I called Master and told Him I think it's a good idea if I went into an urgent care of emergency room so I could hopefully get a prescription that would help. He asked me if I wanted Him to go with. I told Him that it was okay for Him to stay home. There wasn't anything for Him to do for me and He absolutely hates hospitals. Thankfully I convinced the person in my carpool to leave work a half hour early. So I dropped him off, stopped at home really quick and then headed right back out. The urgent care was about to close so I just went to the ER. I got there at 5:30pm and I left at 9pm. Most of it was me sitting in the waiting room. I know that other people needed help more than I did but when I went in my pain level was about an eight. When they finally got me in a room my pain level was past 10.

I hate crying in front of people but around 15 minutes before I was brought into a room tears started to stream down my face. I was quiet and just kept wiping my eyes. The nurse that showed me to the room apologized that it had taken so long. I told her I understood. The minute I laid down on the hospital bed and the door was closed I couldn't keep it in anymore. The pain was over powering. I cried. I couldn't help it even though it hurt worse when I did. I was able to stop crying after a little while and just settled into a semi-comfortable position and watched a little TV until the doctor came into the room.

He already knew that I have fibromyalgia. He asked me where it was the worst and I told him it was in my neck and the tops of my shoulders but that by the time I was put in a room it was also between my shoulder blades.

He told me that he would get me my prescriptions as soon as possible and that they would discharge me as soon as they could so I could get the prescriptions filled and take them. He told me he could give me a shot right there and then but I would have to wait for a ride. Well, if I had done that I wouldn't have made it to the pharmacy in time to get them filled. So I just dealt with it, got to Walgreens, got the prescriptions filled, went home and immediately popped one of the muscle relaxers and one of the pain pills. It helped, a lot, once it finally kicked in.

I took some more today and it's taking the edge off. But sitting at a computer all day at work did not help the situation, but the pain was tolerable.

Again, once I got home I took some more medication. I'm so glad that tomorrow is Saturday.

Why the title? Well, this will sound stupid but being in the ER last night made me think of a time that was funny after the fact.

I was at a doctor's office for my fibromyalgia. This was quite some time ago. I was probably 17 at the time. It was really early in the morning. I had to get up at 3am to get there in time as the doctor was a good two hour drive from the house. So I got there and they did the normal blood pressure check and all that. While they did that they of course checked my heart beat. That seemed fine but apparently they thought my blood pressure was too low. So they checked my pulse. Don't ask me why. Apparently, they couldn't find a pulse on my wrist or my neck. They had three nurses check. Needless to say they were freaking out a bit. My heart was beating and I was alert and all that shit but they couldn't get a pulse. Fucked up right? Finally yet another nurse came in and she found it although it was weak. I was perfectly fine otherwise.

I found the entire situation hilarious. The nurses were kind of creeped out though.

Falling To Pieces

Today was pretty bad pain wise. It started off as a regular headache when I got up this morning. Then after a couple of hours sitting under florescent lighting, it slowly turned into a migraine. I was popping pain pills like tic tacs today.

But it wasn't only my head that was bothering me. My right shoulder was twitching on and off and just burned. I think this is in part due to the fact that I'm not use to this much driving. Normally when we go somewhere Master is the one driving. For the longest time the only time I really drove was to do errands without Master or to go visit my mother.

I've been driving the carpool for about a month now and I think my body just isn't use to it yet. Hopefully, over time, my body will learn to deal with it better.

Oh, and just to add to the fun of it all my right wrist ended up hurting like hell, even with my wrist brace on. So I tightened the brace and slowed down with the things I was doing at work. It feels better now but it's also been about four hours since I was on a computer typing. And since it's my blog post I can type a little slower than I usually would.

I was thinking to myself that if I didn't really love my ink I would have ripped off my right arm. Since it was that shoulder and that wrist it was like the pain was shooting into my elbow from both directions. At the time I thought it would be less painful to just take that arm off. But ya know, like I said I really love the ink on that arm... plus Master would not have been pleased.

I'm falling apart. I'm only 29 right now. I don't even want to think about how I'm going to feel when I'm 50.

When we sat outside tonight Master and I grabbed our chairs rather than using the ones over at our neighbors. They have plastic chairs. It's not that they are extremely uncomfortable but my shoulders just can't take it after a while. It's too rigid.

We have metal chairs with really plush cushions on them. It's a lot more comfortable and they are wider so I can change how I'm sitting if I need to. As a result I was able to be more comfortable for a longer period of time.

One of these days I know I'm going to have to go to a pain specialist again. I'm not looking forward to it to be honest. Yes, it'll give me some relief but there aren't a lot of pain killers I can take since I'm allergic to codeine. I would normally just get a prescription for IBU Profin 600 milligrams. At that rate I can just buy a big bottle over the counter and take three 200 milligram pills. But some muscle relaxers would be awesome.

I'm trying to push that off as long as possible. It's pain. I can deal with it. I've been dealing with this shit (minus my wrist) since I was 14.

Wednesday Ramblings

Today there isn't much kinky on my mind and nothing on the boards are really striking me for a blog post idea. So I figured I would just ramble a bit.

I had a pounding headache and my ears felt clogged all day at work. On the ride home I started to feel better. Master and I ate dinner and we started to watch a movie. But we noticed that some of our neighbors were starting to gather outside so we turned the movie off and headed on over. It's really nice out tonight and sitting around talking with our neighbors is a great excuse for sitting out there.

So we're sitting around talking about random bullshit. I felt fine when we first sat down. It was probably about 6pm? Some where around there. However, as I continued to sit there my back and shoulders started to hurt. And the pain continued to escalate as I continued to sit there. I was having a good time and everything (except for when the conversations turned to politics) but eventually I just couldn't take it anymore. My shoulders felt like they were on fire when I finally stood up, apologized, and told everyone I had to call it a night. I came in at about 8pm.

Master decided to come inside with me. He said that later He'll work on my back and shoulders for me. I don't know what I would do without Him. He takes care of me in more ways than one.

Another thought passed through my mind while we were sitting outside though. A couple of our neighbors started talking about their grandparents.

Well, my grandfather is not doing well. He hasn't been doing well for a long while now but he keeps going. He can still take care of himself and everything but his heart has taken a beating and it's showing more and more. I try to keep that to the back of my mind but when they started talking about their grandparents it made me realize that my grandfather's birthday is only a couple of weeks away. He's going to be 74 years old. He told me once he just wanted to live longer than his dad did. Well, his dad died at 65. He's got him by almost a decade. He's ready to go though and I know that. Every time one of my family members see him he is quick to tell everyone that he is ready to go see his wife, my grandmother. His mind is willing but his body won't give up the ghost.

These thoughts don't have me depressed or anything, surprisingly. They are just freshly swimming around in my head.

Pushing Back

Master allowed me to skip my post last night because I had absolutely nothing on my mind. Today isn't much better but I can't skip two days in a row. I know better than to even ask unless I'm sick. 

Today was a very boring day. Very, very boring. And even though it was a boring day I feel sore as hell. Sometimes I think it's worse when I don't have much to do and therefore do not have any reason to move a lot. It's like everything just locks up.

So by the time I got home everything just hurt. Master is in pretty much the same boat plus He's got a temple headache. It's not fun. As a result we're both just kind of bumps on a log tonight.

We did sit outside for a while at our neighbor's but that didn't last long. Master's temple headache was getting worse. He said I could have stayed out there as well but honestly I feel kind of odd sitting out there by myself. I mean I know I can and I know they like me just as much as they like Master... I don't know why but I just feel kind of out of place when I'm out there by myself. Plus SL (it was her apartment) was tired and sore. ML, her husband, was just kind of sluggish. As a result, nothing was really going on and no one was really saying a lot either.

However, while we were over there some door to door salesmen type people came up. Apparently AT&T is now available in this area for all three (internet, phone and cable) so they are going around seeing if anyone wants to switch.

They were giving this speech that lasted at least 20 minutes. And during that time ML kept asking questions but SL was having none of it. She is the one in charge of all that kind of thing and I think she was getting annoyed with her husband for not shutting his mouth after she said no. So of course they started targeting ML more. But as I said SL is in charge of all that stuff so she just kept saying no. I think at about the third or fourth time of her saying so they finally backed off.

Shortly after they left her apartment we headed into ours. They saw us walking over and asked if we would be interested. We just said no. Plus, we don't want cable. We just want our internet and phone.

I just really can't stand people that don't give up. I know it's their job and I know they probably get commission but still. When I say no, and then you push back and I say no again that should be your signal that I don't want to hear anymore.

When I was in a call center that's what we called it. Pushing back. If we tried to offer a customer something and they said no we would push back, gently, and if they said no again we just thanked them for their time. We didn't go past that one push back because then you're just pissing them off and there is no way in hell you're going to convince someone that is now pissed off at you to go with your services. Where as if you don't piss them off they may think about what you said and call back later because now they are interested. If you keep pushing and pissing them off... well that's an entirely different story.

My Body Hates Me

Today was really bad pain wise. I have no idea why it flared up so badly today. Maybe it has to do with the weather. Maybe it has to do with stress. Maybe my body just does not like me at all today.

Whatever the reason it hit right around noon. This made the afternoon seem to drag on forever. There I am, popping Tylenol and Ibuprofen to try and feel better while still busting my tail to keep up with my work flow. It wasn't going that well. I still got a lot done but when I got in the car and was heading home it all kind of hit me at once. I think it has to do with the fact that I wasn't moving anymore. I was just sitting there. I couldn't really stretch in ways that would help either. It was all in my shoulders and lower back. Well, when you're sitting in the back seat of a small car, even at my height, you can't really stretch all that much.

So for the 45 minute drive home I basically just kept adjusting how I was sitting. I would alleviate some of the pain in my lower back but then my shoulders would hurt worse than before and the other way around.

When I walked in the door Master immediately asked me what was wrong. I knew I probably looked like hell. When I'm in that kind of pain I look pale and tired as hell and I tend to wince when I'm walking.

I got comfortable by getting undressed and putting on one of His jean shirts. When I'm in a lot of pain or not feeling well I love wearing one of His shirts. I don't know why but it makes me feel better. I'm weird that way. Maybe it's a security/comfort thing. You know how when you're a little kid you have that one blanket or stuffed animal that always helped when you weren't feeling well or were scared?

Well, when I was a little kid it was a blanket. Now? It's Master's shirts. I have one of His jean button down shirts and three t-shirts. Two Alice Cooper shirts and one Disturbed shirt.

After dinner He had me lay on the floor and gave me a long back massage. It helped a lot.

Since I haven't gone to a doctor specifically for my fibromyalgia in about ten years I don't have any prescription strength pain killers and no muscle relaxers at all. I've thought about going to a doctor again for it. I hate the thought because they always just want to shove me full of pills and trigger point injections. Yes, those pills are really handy when it's really bad but back when I went they wanted me to take them all the time. Every day, twice a day. And trigger point injections hurt like a son of a bitch, let me tell you.

I've done trigger point injections, ultrasound massages, a chiropractor, physical therapy, traction, and acupuncture. The works basically. Nothing really helped long term. It was all immediate relief that would last for a little while and then hit me full force again.

But it seems that it's just getting worse as I get older. I'm only 29 now. I hate to think of what it will be like when I'm 40 or 50 or 60, etc. Maybe I can find a doctor that won't just want to pump me full of drugs and just give them to me for when I need them.

I'm only playing with the idea currently. And since I'm currently trying to find new employment I'm not sure how wise it would be to start looking for a doctor now rather than waiting to see what my new insurance would cover.

Bloody Hell

I know I've been complaining about work a lot lately and how busy it's been. Well, it just got turned up a notch. Now everyone in the department is swamped. Before it was only a few select people, myself included. Now? It's everyone. And we're all bitching about it. Every single one of us. Especially since our supervisor has either not been in his office, has his office door closed or is in a meeting. I don't think he's really been available for about two weeks now. Yes, we can work without him, obviously, but there are some key things we could really use him for and he just isn't available.

For the past while I've only really had to cut my lunches a little short and clock in early. During the times I'm clocked in I'm busting my ass, but at least I got a small breather on my lunch break.

For the past three days I've taken a whopping 10 minute lunch break.

And as a result of me busting my ass continuously my fibromyalgia is acting up a lot. Thankfully, when I'm at home it slacks off and I can take a hot bath or shower and it helps. But while I'm actually at work everything is tense and I'm in pain.

I used to be on social security for it to be perfectly honest. Granted, that was when I was a teenager and it was mainly to help my parents out with medical bills.

But once I became 19 it all went away. Partially because I stopped going to most of my doctors. They weren't helping at all.

Well, we've been doing trigger point injections and they don't seem to be doing much, so lets do more of them. Into my shoulders. That shit fucking hurt. It was a lot of here take this drug, also take this one. Let's throw in an MRI for fun because we can't figure out what is causing your severe migraines. Nope everything is normal there. Still not sure, but here's a pain killer and we won't look into it any further.

 Never mind physical therapy was helping for a while due to the ultrasounds and massages. They cut that out eventually as it wasn't "helping" it was only "maintaining". What the fuck kind of logic is that? It's not making me better, but it is helping me keep to a lower pain level but that's not enough to warrant physical therapy. However, we can still pop you full of pills that are only masking pain or not touching it at all depending on which one.

They eventually took me off muscle relaxers as well and just gave me more pain pills. Why did they take me off muscle relaxers? Something about worrying about the long term effects. Ya know, cause shit tons of pain pills can't have any.

All of this is how I found out I'm allergic to codeine. That really sucks though because a lot of the pain killers that would probably help me have codeine in them.

I'm sure you can see why I stopped going.

So now I just do what I can and take over the counter pain pills when I just can't cope with it myself. Hot showers and baths help. Master is kind enough to give me shoulder rubs and back rubs. Sometimes I'm too sore for that though, which sucks because it really does help a lot.

Why haven't I sought more treatment since then? Because I know it'll be like it was before. Eventually, if it gets bad enough as I get older, I might go look into some more. But I have a couple of relatives who also have fibromyalgia and they are still going through what I used to before I turned 19. I've been coping without a doctor for 10 years. I'd say I'm doing pretty damn good, with Master's help of course.

Today Was Not My Day

Today was not my day, at all.

I slept okay. Master's insomnia is still with Him, so He did not go to sleep with me last night. But I slept better then I usually do when He's not in bed. However, for some stupid reason when the alarm went off, I felt extremely tired. Like I barely wanted to move.

But I made myself. I sat up, and like I usually do, went to lean in and kiss Master. This time it was on His shoulder blade because He was laying on His side, facing away from me, fast asleep. As I did this it was like gravity pushed me (I still have no idea what the hell caused me to do this) and instead of kissing His shoulder blade my head like thumped against Him and I hurt my nose.

He, however, didn't even grumble. I don't think He felt it at all. So as I'm cursing softly to myself and rubbing my nose I got out of bed, opened the closet doors, and pulled out the clothes I wanted to wear to work today.

Apparently, I woke up more of a klutz then I usually am, because when I went to close the closet doors I accidentally slammed them shut. That did wake Master up a little. He grumbled, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

So I sighed, and went and finished getting ready for the day. I was not even fully awake by the time BC picked me up to take me to work. That feeling stayed with me at work. The feeling that I just could not wake up. I felt sluggish.

Work was stressful today. This week has been extremely busy at work and I think that may be part of what is causing me to be so damn tired. Add to that the fact that my fibromyalgia is deciding to flare up and say hello to me... yeah. Not a good day. For those of you who would like to know about fibromyalgia, you can see more about it here.

Finally the end of the work day came about and I hopped on a bus. Master met me at the bus stop and we walked home together, which again.. was very nice and I appreciated the company.

Once we were home I washed the dishes and Master made dinner. We watched Wolverine Origins, and then Master had me take my bath.

Once my bath was done, I put on a nightie and knelt at Master's chair. He told me to go do my post.

I'm currently reading a book called Animals by John Skipp and Craig Spector. Master has raved about it for about as long as I've known Him. We recently found the book and ordered it online. Master read it again, and it has since been sitting on our headboard. I decided to give it a try. I'm only three chapters into it, but I enjoy it so far.

Does anyone remember how I said I used to suffer from depression and every now and then I find myself having to push those familiar feelings/thoughts away?

Well in this book that I'm reading there is a paragraph that sums that feeling of fighting it off rather nicely.

I'll share it with you.

"What was even scarier, depression came on like your best drinkin' buddy and oldest, dearest friend - the only one who really knew you, would tell you the honest truth about yourself."

That is exactly how fighting depression off feels. Like you're trying to break away from an old friend who at first you think really knows you, that allows you an insight to yourself you wouldn't other wise have.. but is actually there to tear you down without you even realizing it.

Thankfully over the years, I've become familiar with what that onset feels like and I can catch it rather early on and shake it off. Master helps me with these things. He forces me to talk about it. He listens to me. He keeps me active. Things of that nature.

Without Him I don't know if I'd be able to fight that feeling as effectively as I do. At least not as consistently as I do.

Grumble

I'm a little cranky tonight. Nothing major, just cranky.

I didn't sleep well last night. Over the past few days my fibromyalgia has been kicking my tail. My shoulders and lower back have been screaming at me. You know, there are some days where I wish I still had some of those prescription muscle relaxers. I went off of those, as well as all of my pain medications, shortly after I turned 19. So about a year before I met Master. I also stopped going to the doctors I was going to. Every single one of them.

I felt like they weren't listening to me and only wanted to drug me and not try to actually help me anymore. I had been going to those doctors since I was 13 years old. Fuckers gave up on me. They stopped having me go to physical therapy, or getting professional massages, and they stopped doing the stretching exercises. They decided it was best to just hide the pain behind the drugs. And so did every new doctor I tried. Plus I was just really sick of being a zombie.

Enough about that.

Well one of the last things we were waiting on for taxes showed up to day. Just one more to go! And of course it is the job I only worked at for 2 weeks in 2008 (I had been there for about three months all told) before going to my current job. Why do I have a feeling they are waiting until the absolute last minute before putting the damn W-2 in the mail?

I'm one of those odd people who likes getting the taxes done and filed very early. I usually have them done by the middle of February. And yes, I do our taxes. They aren't that difficult and I can still file them electronically, so yay! To hell with paying someone who might fuck me over and still over charge me. After what happened to my grandfather, I'll never pay for someone to file my taxes unless I have no other choice. He had been going to a company (a very large one I might add) for years and years. Well one day the IRS decided to spin the roulette wheel and pull his name for an audit. Yeah, he owed about $60,000 in back taxes because this company continuously screwed up. No thank you. That and I'm not a very trusting person when it comes to finances. I keep track of everything. I write down my hours when I'm at work so I can make sure my paycheck isn't shorted. I learned that one the hard way a few years ago. Your word against the company doesn't mean jack shit. Company wins. How shocking.

We use online banking and online bill pay but I still write everything down and make copies in case something happens to the original. I save check images that I can view through our online banking. Especially now that Master and I are finally starting to get back on our feet. There is no way I'm letting us get tripped up if I can help it. I thought it drove Master nuts, especially after things were finally back on track. But it turns out He's thankful. He says that if it weren't for my being so obsessed about such things we might have never gotten our feet back on the ground. *beams* It may seem like a small thing, but I really appreciate it when He says things like that. Makes me feel useful.

Well, this weekend is so not turning out how I wanted it to.

Where to begin. Okay, tonight Master is at work until about 6am. Then tomorrow I have to go take the car in for an oil change. After that I'm dropping off the rent check, and we have a bunch of other errands to run. On top of that Master has to go to His office for an hour or two to talk to His boss about how the job contract is going and to see where it goes from here as well as drop off the paperwork.

Saturday, I work. Master had me put in a request to get out three hours early so we could have more time together. It was approved, which is all well and good. But our friend B is coming over. We wanted to see him, and he's going through a rough time right now with family issues, but I was hoping we'd have one day where it would be just myself and Master. As you can tell Friday is kind of shot due to all the errands.

B was talking about coming over Sunday. But nope. That's shot too. Why you ask? Well, my mother in law decided that since she wanted to spend her birthday with her boyfriend's family in another state she would just see us this weekend. Master tried to make it for tomorrow (Friday) but nnnooo. That's not good for her. Sunday was the only day that was good for her. So now we're back to playing that game. The whole, "Well I'll see if I can pencil you in and then get myself up on that cross over there if you tell me no."

I asked Master if we could buy her a neon cross and some nails for Christmas. He said no, although the idea made Him laugh. :-D

Trust me my family politics are no fun either. At least with most of my family. Especially with my father and paternal grandfather. Fuck me running with a chain saw. That is it's own little side show believe you me. Hopefully we can keep the visit with His mother short and hopefully B won't want to stay extremely late on Saturday. One can hope.

** By the way I'm not trying to say I hate my mother in law or B. And yes, I know we can tell people no. But with how busy we've been lately we haven't seen anyone let alone one another, so we need to kind of do the rounds. *sigh* I'm glad we don't have a lot of friends. This would be an even bigger pain in the ass.