Daddy Issues

Today has been a rough one. After my grandpa passed away it has been a waiting game with my father. Specifically regarding him getting off his ass and getting paperwork going. Yes, I am referring to the estate. He is the executor of the estate so everyone is waiting on him, including my uncle (his brother). The saddest part is he's not letting anyone in. My uncle isn't even being told everything. My uncle is trying to do the right thing by everyone else in the family but my father is dragging his heels. You would think it would want it done as soon as possible but nope... So when anyone has a question as to what is going on we talk to my uncle.

My uncle had wanted me to look into some policies with our bank regarding checks and hold times, etc. and so on. I had recently obtained the information he wanted so I called him today. I gave him the info and he told me some things. He then mentioned that he is going to my dad's today and asked if maybe I could go too and perhaps we could get some more information out of my dad. I think my uncle was looking for moral support more than anything. Gods knows he's not getting it from my dad.

So we go there. At first we just hang out but then my uncle and I both start trying to nonchalantly pull information out of Dad. My uncle got a couple of very small answers. One of which included the fact that my dad has an appointment with the lawyer tomorrow but that my uncle didn't have to be there so don't worry about it. He wouldn't even tell him the time of the damn appointment.

However, when I asked direct questions my dad could be smiling and joking around but the minute I asked a question his face would go completely blank. Sometimes he would give me a bullshit answer and then go back to what he was saying. Other times he just ignored the fact that I asked anything at all.

We stayed longer than either Master or myself wanted to but we were trying to be there for my uncle. Finally we just wanted to leave whether my uncle was ready to or not. (We had taken separate cars.) As soon as we did that my uncle got up as well as if he was going to leave as well. I think what ended up happening was that we were all waiting on the other to bring up the fact that they were leaving. Figures.

After we got home though I had a bunch of shit going through my head. I was pretty pissed at my dad because he is playing this so close to the vest that it is coming off as shady as hell. What the hell are you trying to hide?

But then a bunch of other stuff piled in on me about how my dad just isn't available emotionally. When I was a teenager/young adult I thought it was cool because my dad wanted to just hang out and be my friend. I thought of him as the "cool dad". But now that I am older I am realizing that I have been pretty damn naive when it comes to him. I can't go to him with anything serious at all. He will shut down on me or make a joke about it. Long and short of it I like having him as a friend but I also want my dad sometimes too, ya know? I may be in my early 30's but I still want my dad to be my dad from time to time. That's all I'm asking. But I know that will never happen.

With all the bullshit that he has been doing over the course of my grandfather being put in a nursing home up to and through what is currently going on has really opened my eyes. What further helped that is listening to some of the things my mom protected me from when I was a kid as well as what my dad's ex-girlfriend told me that she tried to protect me from when I was an adult and he was with my dad. We recently reconnected with her and man did she share some shit after I told her all of the things that my dad has been doing. She didn't want to tell me while they were together. They both did this to try and not taint my view or opinion of my dad. But now that I'm damn near 32 and I'm confused about my dad they both felt I had the right to know. And no, before you say anything, this isn't the vengeful ex-wife/ex-girlfriend bull shit. Their stories were so fucking similar isn't not even funny.

I wanted so badly to keep a relationship with my dad even with everything he has been doing but I'm not sure I can. At least not for a while. When this is all said and done I may pull back, way back, for a while. We'll see how things go from there. I am not saying that I'll never speak to him again. However I will be having quite a few things to say that date from way back to the present and I think that will help me. It may make him feel like shit but it will help me.

My head is twisted right now. I'm basically just throwing this shit out onto my blog to get at least part of it out of my brain and onto something else. I just want to relax the rest of the night as much as I possibly can. I can't stress myself out overly much. I need to focus. I have a very important interview on Wednesday. I need to focus on that and not on anything else.