I haven't felt this docile in quite some time. I don't know why. I don't think it really has to do with anything. It's just a fact. It's not like anything has been wrong within our marriage or within our dynamic. It just hasn't hit me this strongly in a long time. I think I've been a good girl. I mean I haven't been punished and He hasn't reprimanded me for a long time now. Do I think I've been at the top of my game? No. Do I think that I've been a horrible slave? No. I would say I'm... well... mediocre. And He deserves more than that.
Don't get me wrong, He understands that I have been worn the hell out from my job. He knows that I have been under a lot of stress. He understands why I fall asleep on the couch and only wake up long enough to go to bed. He doesn't fault me for it. He isn't resentful of it. All He does is be understanding and supportive. He gives me leeway. It's not like He's giving me enough rope to hang myself. Like I said, He understands and in no way, shape, or form is He trying to trip me.
But that doesn't make me feel any better about it. He has always told me that I'm too hard on myself. That I need to accept things that I can't control and understand that He isn't going to be upset by it. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. It's not due to my being bipolar. I haven't had an episode since my medication dosage was increased, and even before that it was all depressed than anything. There was no rage like their was prior to my medication.
I have not even once considered taking the mental collar off. I say mental collar because I no longer wear an actual collar due to my metal allergy. Thankfully I am still able to wear my cuff. I love my cuff. It is the only physical object that I have anymore. I know, physical objects don't matter. They never have. Hell, I'm marked up one side and down the other by Him. Scars, bite marks that have never fully gone away and have become scars themselves. Hell one of my tattoos are directly connected to our dynamic. And He has designed four of my 12 tattoos, including the one that is connected to our dynamic.That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. That doesn't mean I don't touch it sometimes just to center myself, just as I'll play with my wedding ring for the same purpose. There have been times where I'll actually hook my fingers under the cuff if I'm getting too stressed out.
But I'm so sick and tired of my being stressed out and crashing overriding the things I want to do to show Him my undying devotion. To show Him how deeply I love Him both as my Husband and as my Master. He knows I love Him. I tell Him I love Him constantly and I show my love and affection every day. But that doesn't mean I don't want to show my submission more, to show Him that I know and remember my place in our marriage. I get upset just thinking about how I haven't been able to is what feels like an eternity. I'm literally tearing up as I type this.
He has me shaving in a landing strip again, rather than being clean shaven. He knows I prefer clean shaven but it's not about what I want. It's about what He wants. And I do it. And I'm not bitching about it. Not at all. I am trying to please Him. I am trying to be very, very careful when I'm shaving it. When He has me do this I have fucked it up more times than I can count. I don't do it on purpose. I don't do it to be a brat or anything. It's just that I slip with the razor and it gets screwed up. Right now it is wider than I think He wants it. I'm not entirely sure honestly. He has obviously seen it and hasn't commented on how wide it is. He hasn't told me to make it smaller. It's so wide right now because I'm worried that if I bring it in a little bit that I'll fuck it up. I worry about it the most when I'm first growing it in. My pubic hair grows in extremely slowly. I've only been growing it for a few weeks now and still it's not all that thick as far as the hair itself goes.
But I want so badly to be able to submit to Him in a more.. I don't know how to word it. A more physical way? I'm not necessarily talking about sex or pain. I'm talking about presenting this to Him in a more physical way. Such as kneeling and laying my head in His lap and things like that. I'm not really sure what all I want to do to show Him this. I just know that I want to. That I crave to. That I need to do this.
I want to show Him that I am still His good girl. That I still love, need, and cherish that aspect of our relationship. That I need Him. That I need His firm grip on me. That I need His leadership and guidance. That I would be lost without Him. Words and hugs and kisses mean a lot. They really do. But the other things mean a lot as well.
I know my place. I am His wife but I am just as much His slave. Those two parts of my role are not only equal to one another but are intertwined. They and looped together and I want it no other way. I can't imagine them not being knotted together. I don't know what would happen to me if the knot started to be pulled apart or loosened.
No comments:
Post a Comment