Just 5 More Minutes

Last night I fell asleep rather quickly, but I couldn't stay asleep very long. I would wake up, look at the clock, sigh and then fall back asleep. I must have done this at least five times. Then the dog tried waking me up at 5am. I told him to go lay down and finally got up when my alarm went off at 6am.

I stumbled out of bed, got ready for work, took the dog out and then waited for the carpool to pick me up. It was difficult for me to keep my eyes open on the ride to work. So as soon as I clocked in I got some caffeine in me and was fine from there.

I got out of work at noon and as soon as I got home we left again to go run errands. After that Master and I relaxed a bit at home before I went to go pick up my prescriptions, which took forever. I swear those people are on permanently on the slow-motion function.

So all well and good so far. Master and I watched some TV and I got comfortable on the couch with one of Master's hoodies on. He could tell I was ready to pass the hell out so He asked me what time I wanted to be woken up at. I said in about a hour and a half. I promptly zonked out.

He woke me up when I had asked Him to and I woke up and looked at Him through groggy eyes. He knew I was still exhausted so He told me He would wake me again in about an hour. That ended up being at 9pm. Thankfully I don't have to get up early tomorrow as I know damn well I'm going to be up until at least 2am or until Master goes to bed, which ever comes first.

I'm really glad that the weekend is finally here. This work week has been mentally exhausting and in some ways I think that's actually worse than being physically worn out. Why? Because my mind wants to shut down but my body hasn't had that physical work out to wear it out which brings me to that really weird place where my mind is telling me I should sleep and my body is like "But we haven't done anything!"

So hopefully, when we finally go to bed tonight, I'll be able to fall asleep and stay that way until morning.

Loving Care

Master and I are both in a sucky situation. I'm on the rag right now and when that happens during the first few days my lower back becomes nothing but a tense, painful part of my body; especially around the hip line. Ugh.

To top that off my fibromyalgia is acting up a bit. Thankfully it's not a full on flare up. I'd be totally fucked. A full on flare up hasn't happened in about 6 months. *knock on wood* When flare ups happen sometimes it hurts to even breathe because as I do so it pulls on muscles that already feel like they are endless knots of pain. Today, it's just my lower back and right below my shoulder blades.

However, I'm not the only one in pain. My poor Husband has a pinched nerve that is giving Him no end of hell. I tried to help Him last night by working on His back and focusing the areas where I could feel the most tension. He said it did help, but it obviously wasn't going to be enough to get rid of it. I promised Him last night that I would work on it again today.

I don't have to promise anything. He can just order me to do it, but still. He knows I want to help Him however I can. Tonight though it surprised me when Master asked if I wanted to "trade" back rubs. It is exactly what it sounds like. He'll work on my back and then I work on His. Again, He doesn't have to do that. As I said before all He would have to do is order me to work on His back. No matter how much I may not want to do it because I'm so sore but Master was sweet enough to offer a compromise. He is a very loving Husband. He doesn't like to see me in pain just as I do not like seeing Him in pain.

Sometimes we can't do anything about it. There are times where I am in too much pain to even have my back or shoulders touched, let alone be massaged. Master also has instances in which He does not want a back rub because the muscles are too tender.

We take good care of each other, or at least we do our best to. It is emotionally painful for me to see Master in pain or really ill and know that there is nothing that I can do. He calls me a nurse when He gets ill. I am constantly asking if He needs something. If He tries to get up to get something to drink I beat Him to it and tell Him to sit down.

Yeah, I kind of bark orders when He's sick. He has a blood disorder where if He gets sick, depending on how badly, it can turn a flu into pneumonia on the turn of a dime and pneumonia can kill Him. I know, pneumonia can kill anyone. But because of His blood disorder it has to be caught quickly before it starts that dive into extremely dangerous territory. About three years ago He had walking pneumonia and I was scared out of my mind. When He was in the emergency room I was pacing back and forth whenever the doctor or nurses weren't in there. I was antsy and protective. I watched everything they did. The only time I left His side is when they wheeled Him to go get an x-ray. They told me I couldn't go with Him, so since He was getting x-rays I used that time to quickly run to the bathroom and then grab a soda from the vending machine. You would have thought I was being timed or something. I made it back to the room before Master was rolled back in.

When we got home after He had been on IV antibiotics for a few hours and had a prescription for very strong antibiotics I sent Him straight off to bed. We have this "rule" where if it involves health, I can over rule Him. You see, my dear Husband is a stubborn, stubborn man. So when He's sick He wants to push Himself when I feel He shouldn't be. So I will tell Him to go back to bed, to sit down, etc. I lecture Him when He pushes Himself too much. Yeah, now you know why He calls me a nurse. I smother Him with kindness, love and lectures. *laughs* But He does always thank me for taking such good care of Him. I do the same when I'm sick or in a lot of pain. Both of us always say, "It's our job." But we both want the other to know how much we appreciate it.

Wow. That went into a whole different direction than I thought it would.

Blogging About Blogging

I created a new page for my blog. I'm pretty sure that I have it at it's final draft. Whether I add or remove things in the future, I have no idea. I like to tweak things after all. Hopefully some of you will find it interesting.

I quite literally just finished writing it. I wanted to add another page to the blog because that top bar just looked so damn empty. Hell, even as I look at it now it still looks like there should be more pages listed. What? I have no flipping idea. I may think of something. If any of you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know! Who knows, maybe it'll inspire me. *grins*

I take a lot of pride in my blog. That's why the look of it is so important to me, which is how I ended up going through that whole stage of driving myself insane over finding a theme. (Short trip, I know.)

My blog is something I have to do. I am ordered to create one blog post a day unless I ask permission to skip the post. Normally the only way I get out of a post is if I'm not feeling well at all or if we get home extremely late.

There have been times where I just haven't had a clue what to post about and I've told Master such and He has allowed me to skip that day's post. But I can't use that excuse often. That's how I came across the submissive journal prompts website. Sometimes I just need a kick in the tail to get going. If I find a topic that I find interesting it doesn't take much for me to turn said topic into a post; sometimes a fairly lengthy one.

I didn't dip into that well tonight because I was so focused on that new page that I just felt like rambling about my blog. So as I said it is an order to write a daily post. However, even though it is required, I actually greatly enjoy it. Sometimes it's the only way I can get something out of my head and I feel lightened when I do. It doesn't happen very often, but when I do it's like a huge sigh of relief.

For some reason I have a feeling such a post will be happening soon. It's not that I have an idea rolling around my head, but it's just been a while since such has happened.

Unhealthy

This topic of conversation flitted through my mind earlier today. It's amazing, to me, how many people believe that certain relationships are unhealthy.

Now, there are some relationships that I do believe to be unhealthy; however the only reason I think they are unhealthy is because they include non-consensual abuse. Whether that abuse be mental or physical. Those are the ones I find to be unhealthy. That may seem judgmental or me, it may not. I've been in both emotionally and physically abusive relationships. That's probably why I feel so strongly about those kind of situations.

But a lot of people will find a M/s or D/s relationship to be unhealthy if they are not in that kind of dynamic. Then you get the people within the dynamic who judge other ones to be unhealthy because that's not the way they live it. Some people may find it unhealthy that I am so emotionally reliant on my Husband. They may find it unhealthy that my mood can be affected by His and vice verse.

Now, yes I am bipolar and I understand that it may have some affect my reliance on Him for emotional support. Codependency, to varying degrees, is a symptom of being bipolar. I would say I am on the lower portion of that scale. I would be lost without Him. I remember when we were living together if we went one week without seeing each other (we normally saw each other twice a week) I would get restless and aimless. I wouldn't really know what to do with myself on the days He would normally be there. He also felt those effects, but I don't know if it was to the same degree or not. Either way, I know He handled it better than I did.

That was 6 years ago. Now that we've been living together for 6 years and married for 4 of them I find such things are more extreme. I see Him every day, I sleep next to Him every night. It's not that I can't function on my own. I can. I've done it in the past when we've been apart and I know I could now if I had to. I think it would be a lot more difficult, but I could do it. But I would be way out of my comfort zone.

I think that is why some people would find that part of our relationship to be unhealthy. I'm not codependent to the point that I have to be with someone, anyone. (Like my mother-in-law who's had four marriages and three husbands.. do the math... simply because she doesn't know who she is if she isn't someone's wife.) I am codependent to the point that I need my Husband. I do. It's a need not a want. I don't know what I would do without Him. Now, if anything were to happen, Gods forbid, I know that I could stand on my own two feet and fumble my way through things until the dust settled, just as I know He could function without me.

But when you are so close to someone, and you and your partner are so deeply interconnected, it's hard for it to just be a want anymore. It slowly but surely becomes a need, especially as time rolls on. I'm sure my Master would agree. (Not that I want to put words in His mouth.)

So if others want to call that unhealthy, that's their choice. Me? I couldn't see us any other way.

Where is the Map?

Well, another sucky Monday. Oh joy. It wasn't so much just one thing. It was a bunch of little stuff that is piling on top of the other little stuff until it looks like a small mountain.

You know, the kind of small mountain that magically appears over night and you're staring at it going "Where the fuck did that come from?"

And you're standing there wondering that because as it built up little by little, you couldn't really see it getting larger.

Today I feel the stress just building. I'm at one of those spots where you aren't sure which way you should jump. Left? Right? Can someone hand me the damn map please?

Master and I actually hit on this a bit last night before I had to go to bed. We spend our entire childhood wanting to be an adult. "I can do what ever I want because I'll be an adult. And no one can make me do anything I don't want to do!"

So there you are, as a pre-teen, teenager, young adult thinking about how you can listen to the music as loud as you want, you can come and go as you please, no more school... etc.

And then you become an adult. And you notice how the stress levels build and build. No, you don't have to go to school unless you're in college, but you do have to get a job if you want to eat. You can come and go as you please, but you probably want to be sensible so you aren't hungover at work the next morning.

Oh yeah, and you know all that stuff you didn't even think about when you were a teen? Now you get to deal with it all! Here is a fun little list:

1. Rent
2. Utility bills
3. Groceries
4. Clothes
5. Gas in the car
6. Car repairs
7. Health insurance

The list continues. So no, no one can make you do something you don't want to do. But there are things you should do so you have a roof over your head, food in your stomach and clothing on your back. Oh, and all that fun shit you thought of when you were a teen? Yeah, you get to pay for all that too. Just so you know, it really fucking blows when you can only do the necessities.

 So, in closing, if anyone finds that guide to life map or maybe some kind of GPS? Owners manual? Anything of the kind, please let me know. I'll share it, promise.

Pampering

Just out of plain curiosity I thought I would make a post that also will hopefully trigger some discussion in the comments.

I was looking at the journal prompts site because today has been an extremely lazy day (in a good way) so it doesn't really provide much for post material. While I was going through the prompts I found one regarding how one's owner provides stress relief. Well, I decided to take it to a different area of discussion. What are some of your favorite things that your Master does to pamper you?

I have two things that are my absolute favorites. They don't happen often since I have to be a very good girl over a period of time to earn them.

The first one (the top of my list) is when Master gives me a full body massage. Well, it's not entirely full body but it's what I call it.

What He has me to is to lay on my stomach with my legs apart and my head turned to one side to keep my hair out of the way. He grabs some skin lotion and works it from the top of my shoulders to the bottom of my feet.

He normally starts at my shoulders and works the muscle group there and just slowly but surely goes down my back, massages my ass, then my thighs, my calves and finally my feet. Normally I hate having me feet touched but when He does it this way it doesn't tickle at all and the whole experience is incredibly relaxing and I feel like putty afterwards. He normally takes a good 45 minutes to an hour to do this and I love it. He is kind enough to work on my shoulders on a regular basis due to my fibromyalgia, but when He does a full body massage it's a real treat and something that I always enjoy and look forward to.

The second thing on my list is when He takes a shower with me. He'll get in the shower first, get the water to the temperature He wants it at and then has me step in with Him. He has me stand in front of Him and He uses the loofah to clean me off with my favorite body wash. He then rinses me off. He cleans me but at the same time is caressing different parts of my body while He's washing somewhere else. Not a grabby sort of caress either. It's very soft, loving and sensual. Then He'll get my hair wet before grabbing my favorite shampoo and washes my hair. He doesn't just slather it on either. He gives me a scalp massage at the same time.

Once He rinses my hair out He'll normally hop out so that I can shave before joining Him in the living room to relax and enjoy the lack of tension in my body.

Why do I love these two thing so much? Why are they my favorite things that Master pampers me with? It's really rather simple. First off, I love feeling His hands on me. He has big hands and with how small I am it's sensual to me to feel how strong He is. The other reason is rather vanilla but still... The other reason is that I have a lot of stress. A lot. If it's not work related, it's family related. Or both. So when He does these things it helps release all of that built up tension from my muscles and I can just relax, not think of anything and enjoy. It's a good hour of me just enjoying what He's doing and feeling how He is working the muscles to the point where I have this warm, tingling sensation in every muscle group because He has heated them up with His hands. It's like the stress is melting out of me.

So, what is your favorite form of pampering?

Return of the Landing Strip!

Master has decided that He wants me to grow my landing strip back in. This is difficult for me to do. First off, after the initial stubble period that I hate my pubic hair doesn't grow very quickly. Also, I have a hell of a time keeping the damn thing straight. Seriously. I suck at it.

I kept it up for about two months before I fucked it up to the point that I had to shave it all off so it wouldn't look stupid. Then Master had me go back to being clean shaven until recently. I want to say it was about three or four nights ago that Master informed me I was to grow the stripe back.

So I let the stubble grow in. I didn't shave anywhere near that landing strip area. Just last night I started to trim it down to where it should be. To be perfectly honest I'm nervous about getting it straight to begin with, so starting the whole trimming down stage sucks. I'm trying to let the hair grow in more fully before I start making it into that skinny stripe. Right now it's rather thick. It is no where near what a landing strip should be. But again, as I said, my pubic hair doesn't grow in quickly. So I'm waiting, in hopes that once it's longer it'll be easier to tell how much I should shave off.

I don't know how, besides waxing, some women keep the damn thing so straight! I've always been a clean shaven kind of girl. I started doing it just because it was how I wanted it done. It had nothing to do with sex. It was more comfortable and less messy when I'm on the rag. Yes, I know, that's gross. But it's true.

So when Master started having me grow that stripe on and off it's has been something I am highly inexperienced in. I don't know any of the tips or tricks, besides waxing. And I am not waxing. I do not want to let the whole damn bush grow in long enough to go rip the hair out and have to keep doing that over and over again.

Any suggestions?

Stumbles

Tonight is one of those nights where I know I have to do a post (it's required of me unless I ask Master if I can skip it) but I can't think of anything to do. So off to the journal prompts website!

How do you handle stumbles or wrong attempts as you journey down your own path?

Honestly how I handle them varies. Especially if you start talking about how it was before I was medicated. Holy hell that was a mixed bag that went in one extreme to the other in about 5 seconds flat.

For quite a period of time if I started stumbling on this path of submission that I am on I would get frustrated with myself. But rather than deal with it, mind you these were several bumps in the road until it led up to a 20 car pile up, I would break down and get pissed off. While in this pissed off state I would tell Master (tell, not ask) to take my collar off because I was done. Finished. No doubt about it in my mind in that exact moment. Fuck it. No more! Why? Because if this path was no longer my own then the stumbling would stop. It was logical to me at the time.

Then, no more than a few hours later, I would be crawling at His feet begging for it back. I would cry and be so upset that I wouldn't be able to talk because I was sobbing so hard. It was painful. It was my own doing, which I believe made it worse. It frustrated Master to no end as well. Do I or don't I want to be a slave? Do I want to submit to Him or not? I'm sure Master felt like a ping pong ball. And I deeply regret that. Regardless of it all though, He always slapped the collar back on me. Sometimes I had to earn it back, but it always went back on. He can be a very patient man when He wants to be.

But since being medicated I don't have that war inside me anymore. I have learned that not everything that goes wrong, or ever stumble I make, is due to the dynamic. It's just life. Life is like that. It's a bitch after all.

This lifestyle, path, or whatever you wish to call it, actually gives me the structure that I need. I have something to focus on. I don't have to get caught up in my own head because I know Master wants to listen to my thoughts and help me past them or help me work out what is really bothering me. I mean, I knew that before the medication but I didn't want to admit it at the time. It was easier to just drop it like a bad habit and try to wash my hands of it... because you know, that will fix everything.

I know, it's not logical at all, but at the time it made perfect sense to me in that exact moment. Then reality would bitch slap me into my "normal" state of thinking and I would beg for Him to let me have it all back. Give me that structure, please, I need it. And I do. I honestly feel like I need that structure. If I didn't have it I don't know how I would cope.

But now? Now I double check and go over my thought process before I even open my mouth. Then I'll talk to Master and tell Him that something is bothering me, pissing me off, or just flat out upsetting me. Even if I don't know exactly what it is He'll talk me through it and eventually we get to the heart of the problem.

I know that may make me sound like I'm a little kid, not knowing what is bothering me. But I get so wrapped up in the emotion that I find it hard to actually trace back to the root of said emotion. Not always, I am getting better at it, but it still happens. It is now an order to tell Him what mood I am in when I wake up, and I am ordered to keep Him informed if my mood takes a sudden and sharp turn. Hell, even if I'm just irritable or a bit down I tell Him. If I know the reason why, I tell Him that too. If I don't, I tell Him as much and He gives me some time to think about it or He talks me through it depending on the severity.

Since being medicated I have not had one want or need to ask Master to get rid of the dynamic. The thought hasn't even crossed my mind. So now, when I stumble, Master just dusts me off and gives me a bit of a push and I'm fine again. I'm not perfect. I'm not the best wife or slave on the face of this Earth, but I'm better.

Crazy Pills

As I posted recently, my shrink put me on a new medication to go with my current meds. When he gave me the prescription I figured it would be like my other medication. My health insurance is pretty damn good. My other medication comes in a generic form and as such it only costs me a $10 copay. So I figured this new one would have a generic version as well and as a result the copay would be the same.

I was wrong. The new medication does not come in a generic form. So the copay is $60. I know that doesn't sound like a lot but every bit counts and an extra $60 a month to keep me somewhat sane kind of gave me sticker shock.

So I called my shrink and he said he could give me some more samples to make sure my body adjusts well to the medication before I have to start spending money on it. He also gave me a "coupon" card for the medication. Basically it knocks off a percentage of the copay.  Rock on.

I'm lucky to have my shrink. He's a great doctor and is willing to work with me so I don't go broke trying to treat my disorder.

Master was kind enough to go pick up the samples and the coupon card while I was at work. Their office closes at 6pm unless you have a later appointment. I don't normally get home until about 5:30pm so getting up to the doctor's office by 6pm would be difficult and involve speeding.

Now I just have to remind myself to fill two prescriptions rather than one the next time I go to the pharmacy. 

This, That & The Other

Today has been a long damn day. I felt tired as hell when I first got up. It took me at least two cups of coffee and a 20oz of Mountain Dew before I was fully awake. It almost never takes me that much caffeine to feel like I'm not in a haze of drowsiness.

As a result the beginning of my work day really sucked. I was busy all day and I still have stuff to finish when I walk in tomorrow on top of my daily stuff.

After I got out of work I popped into the apartment to grab a couple of grocery bags (those canvas res-useable bags) and then headed right back out to go grocery shopping. I came back, Master helped me unload the car and put the food away and I finally collapsed on the couch. Master and I watched a few episodes of Saturday Night Live and now I'm here, on the computer, knocking out my post. I don't want to make it short or anything but my brain is kind of like mush right now.

Yesterday I was sitting here thinking about how I never wear my 2nd pair of glasses. I don't have to wear glasses all the time, only when I'm on the computer or reading a book for an extended period of time. I have two pairs, one pair is really nice. They have silver frames and are very "classy" looking. The other pair is a pair of blue plastic glasses. Well, I think it's plastic anyway. They aren't ugly or anything, in fact I think they are kind of cute. But my wire frames are my favorite. Because I really like them though I'm afraid to take them to work in case I accidentally leave them there or they get broken some how. Paranoid, I know.

What I had been doing is taking the blue pair with me back and forth from work. Which is how I ended up never wearing my wire frames. But Master said something very logical and something I can't believe I didn't think of before. Wear the blue pair at work and use the wire frames at home. Now granted no one will see me wear them except Master, but that's okay.

However, if I do ever needing to wear glasses all the time, it'll be the wire frames. Actually, if I needed glasses all the time I would want contacts. Contacts can be rather expensive, especially since I have an astigmatism.

Maybe it'll never get to that point and if it does I'll have to see how much it'll actually cost me to have contacts.

I'm working on another page for my blog. You know, those links at the top of the page. It looks so empty, so I decided to make a How & Why page that will show how Master and I got into this lifestyle, why we stayed with it and why it works so well for us.

I have a feeling it's going to take a while to write though, so you may not see it right away. I don't want to publish it unfinished because then it would turn into one of those "under construction" pages and I don't want that. Then when people go to read, they'll have to keep checking back to see if it's been updated. That's not good.

Perhaps I can work on it more during the week. If I can't, or don't finish it during the week, I'll hit it on the weekend and hopefully be able to knock it out.

New Heels!

Master and I never have a lot of "mad money". In other words, we can't go buy shit we just want rather than need a whole hell of a lot. When we can, I normally want to get Master something or go out to eat or something along those lines.

This week though we did have a bit of spending money. Not a whole lot, but some. When I told Him, Master reminded me that I have been wanting some new heels for a while now. He has seen me randomly browsing the internet torturing myself. I never really ask for a lot. Don't laugh. You can even ask my Master! I'm really hard to shop for during the holidays and special occasions. I just don't want a lot of stuff and when I do it's mainly practical stuff. You know, stuff for the apartment. Master hates those kind of answers when He asks me what I want for my birthday or our anniversary, etc. He says it's a cop out answer. He just doesn't want me being practical all the time. He loves the fact that I'm not high-maintenance, but He still wants to get me things I want rather than need.

So when He suggested the heels I was a bit hesitant at first. I asked Him at least three times if He was sure. He said yes. Now while I could have bought some new clothes to wear to work, where is the fun in that? Plus it's not like I really need them, it would just be me expanding my work attire. And as Master said, He wants to get me something I want. Heels or work clothes? Heels win.

So off to the mall we went! I don't like going to the mall often because it's so damn crowded and people are inconsiderate assholes. Today though I didn't want to buy the heels online and pay shipping and I didn't want to go to like Walmart or something like that. There were a few different stores I wanted to check, but I knew that at least two of the three I wanted to go to were expensive. I didn't want to spend a lot of money so I told Master we should get out Payless first. Now, going to Payless may not sound like a step above Walmart but to me it is. It's shoes at a reasonable price. I'm all over it.

I was afraid that it was going to take a while as I'm picky about my heels. I must love the heels if I'm going to buy them. Heels are not a necessity so if I'm going to buy a luxury item I'm going to love it damnit. *stomps foot*

I was worried that if it took too long Master was going to become bored and I would become aggravated. It doesn't take me long to become aggravated when I'm buying a luxury item. I don't need it so I don't want to take forever finding it.

But all I had to do was walk into the aisle for my size and there they were, calling out to me. I picked them up and asked Master if He liked them. If it's heels Master has to love them as well, since I'm wearing them for His pleasure and to look attractive for Him. I loved them and as an added bonus they were on sale! Bonus!

They were normally $49.99 and I got them for $29.99. Hell yeah!

So what did I buy? These beautiful heels. I think I like them so much because it looks kind of like bondage shoes. I mean, obviously they aren't, but they zip up, have a tie up front and two buckles. It's probably the buckles that do it for me. It's a thicker heel than I'm used to but it still looks great.

So I'm a happy girl! Master grins at me whenever I tell Him how much I love them. He is happy that I am happy. Plus, how can He not be happy to have His slave in heels?

Playing Big Sister

I am not feeling the greatest today. My sinuses are still kicking my ass (or maybe it's a head cold). But today my brother called me and he was stressed out and needed to talk to his big sister. So even though my head is stuffed up and my throat is scratchy I listened and talked to him about it.

He has been dating this girl for about 5 months now. He is 26 and she is 22. He had a really bad relationship before this one and he had spent about a year and a half being single. To be honest I think when this girl showed an interest in him he just kinda jumped on the chance of another relationship. I'm not trying to talk bad about my baby brother or anything, I just think that's what happened.

At first their relationship was fine according to my brother. My mom and my dad had already met her, which to be honest I'm surprised he had her meet our dad. But that's just me.

He had told me that he wants Master and myself to meet her soon as well. He said that some time last month. Well, apparently the honeymoon part of their relationship is over. My brother was extremely upset. He said that she had recently told him some things that makes him very uncomfortable. He had no knowledge of this until this past week.

Apparently, she has been going into  a bar since the age of 17. (The legal drinking age here is 21.) She got into the bar because she was friends with the owner's daughter. She would get smashed all the time and at that very young age ended up being a bar slut, for lack of a better term. This bothers my brother. However, it bothers him more that she admitted she didn't always use protection. That is scary. Thankfully my brother does use protection but still.. it's bothersome.

Also he is starting to realize how much she drinks, as in alcohol. Apparently she has been going out at least five days a week and getting trashed the entire time they have been together, he just didn't know it until today. Why she chose today to tell him this I have no idea. They live 45 minutes apart and so they only see each other here and there.

He asked her why she went out to get trashed rather than just having a few to relax. See, we have had a lot of alcoholics in our family, so my brother and I are both cautious around someone who drinks heavily.

She said that she drinks because of all the stress she has. This is where I went on a tangent.

My exact wording: "Wait a damn minute. She's stressed? How the fuck is she stressed? She is unemployed and isn't looking for a job. She lives with a friend of her's who pays all the bills and the rent and doesn't expect anything in return. So lets see here, if she has no bills, doesn't have to pay rent, and isn't looking for a job because she doesn't have to where the hell is her stress? If she's stressed out I should be wearing a straight jacket due to my stress levels."

He agreed with me. I then asked the obvious question. If she doesn't have a job, how the hell is she going to the bar that often to get drunk off her ass? He said that all of her friends take her out and foot the bar tab. So basically her friends are enabling her. And when she isn't drinking and isn't with my brother she sits at the computer all day playing games.

This whole situation, now that I know about it, is raising a lot of red flags in my head. My brother and I are pretty close and I try damn hard not to pry into his life. I just sit around and wait for him to come to me with such things.

Apparently when he confronted her about her drinking and telling her that it makes him uncomfortable she went off. (This was on the phone.) She started spouting off shit such as: "I'm 22 fucking years old and you can't tell me what to do. I'll do whatever the hell I want to and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it."

Another red flag. Big time. I told him that it sounds like she is or is becoming an alcoholic. She got defensive way too fast in my opinion. In fact that was beyond defensive.

My brother also talked to Master. They get a long great and Master has always told my brother that he's here if he wants to talk. I mean I'm always here too, but sometimes a guy has to talk to a guy, end of story.

Both of us advised him to try to talk to her calmly about this and tell her how much and why it bothers him. I told him that if she is going to act that way then he needs to cut his ties. If you can't have a serious discussion as adults then there is a problem. Plus he doesn't need a drunk around my nephews. She hasn't met his boys yet, and that's probably a good thing. He didn't want to introduce her to his boys as he wanted to make sure it would be a long term relationship so his young sons (6 and 3) didn't get confused.

My brother agreed that if she can not have a serious adult conversation than she wasn't mature enough for him. I'm not saying she's too young, just too immature. Those are two entirely different things.

We were on the phone for at least an hour about this. He told me he would try talking to her about this again and let me know how it goes.

I feel for him. My brother has flat out told me that he wants to get married some day. I know that's his ultimate goal, I just hope he marries the right person rather than attaching himself to someone who isn't good for him and end up getting a divorce inside of a year.

My brother flat out knows that if anyone fucks with him (I'm not sure if this girl would get physical but she sounds like she has anger issues) then they deal with Master and myself. He may be 26 years old but I'm still very protective of my baby brother.

Sinuses

Well, I'm not exactly sick. I started off the day fine. I was a bit tired but that was about it. Then suddenly around 2pm for no reason what so ever my sinuses bitch slapped me. I was stuffy, I had to keep blowing my nose and I just felt like hell.

I took a sinus pill that one of my coworkers had but it didn't kick in until right before I left work a few hours later.

When I got home Master and I ate dinner, watched some Netflix and relaxed. I took another sinus pill and decided to go lay down. Master woke me up around 8pm. I feel a bit better. I don't have the headache anymore, but I am still stuffed up. I don't want to take another sinus pill just yet because I only took one about an hour and a half ago. So I'm going to go take a hot bath and see if that helps.

Twice As Crazy

First off, before I get into the meat of my post, I just wanted to bitch that the Recent Comments widget I have is currently not working. It's annoying me but it has to do with the comments feed so there isn't anything I can do about it. Hopefully it'll be fixed soon.

Okay, now that that's taken care of onto the post.

As most of you who have been reading my blog for a while now probably already know, I'm bipolar.

I was diagnosed September of 2010. I wish I would have sought out help sooner, but I didn't. Not much to be done about that. Anyway, I have been on one particular medication for the full year. That medication is Lamictal. It is used to treat both people who are bipolar as well as people who suffer from seizures. I started off at 100 milligrams and was slowly but surely upped to 300 milligrams. Well, at the 300 milligrams mark I had some pretty fucked up side effects. I was slurring my speech, I was walking like I was drunk and I had double vision. Needless to say I called my shrink the next day. He told me to cut one of the pills in half, so I would be taking 225 milligrams. Magically, no more side effects. So that was great and that's where that medication is staying.

However, that is not enough. At first I felt fine, I didn't notice any sudden mood swings or anything like that. Well, not up until the past two weeks. Out of no where I would go into one of my more aggressive mood swings. I would want to suddenly just want to start throwing shit and wanting to scream just to let some of it out. Needless to say I couldn't do either. At work I'd be fired. At home I don't want to break our things and I don't need the cops called because I screamed at the top of my lungs, causing the neighbors to think someone was being tortured.

After that swing ended I would either slip into "normal" mode of I would become extremely hyper to the point that I felt like I was about to jump out of my skin. After talking with Master I decided to call my shrink.

He agreed that I shouldn't be cycling that badly while on my medication. He said that my current medication is not enough by itself. He's been thinking that for the past two appointments now but didn't want to mess with anything because I wasn't that bad. With this little update he decided to add another medication.

He added Seroquel. He wants me to start at 50 milligrams for two nights, then 100 milligrams for four nights and then finally reaching 150 milligrams and staying there. This will be the second night of the 50 milligrams. I've looked into the side effects and one of them is cotton mouth. I woke up with that this morning. Other than that? Nothing. Hopefully it stays that way.

I really am hoping that this does it. I'm hoping this is the magical mix of medications that helps me. So, within a week I'll be on a total of 375 milligrams worth of meds. Awesome.

It was one thing being on only one medication, but when I realized that it wasn't enough and I needed a second medication as well, it kind of made me feel... crazy as hell I guess is the way to put it. I know I'm not completely out of my mind, just a little left of center.

Put Away Wet

I would say rode hard and put away wet, but that wouldn't be true.

Normally when Master and I fuck it's hard, it's rough, it's sometimes painful in a good way. But last night was different. I've been very tender lately. Master has not been gentle with me at all this past week, not that I mind. *wink*

But as I said last night was different. Master was in a mood for a slower fuck. Not exactly gentle, but definitely not as rough as usual.

He was teasing me, teasing Himself in some ways. He was focusing on every single sensation. Just the head of His cock being inside me, slowly pushing in and pulling out. Then He'd go half way and do that again. There were several times that He'd be teasing me with the head of His cock and suddenly slam every inch of it into me. That always catches me off guard. Every time He did it I would either gasp suddenly, or not be able to breathe for a heart beat or two. So delicious.

He pinned me down to the bed, He had my ass up in the air.. It was all very sensual. He talked dirty to me the entire time. I always love the noises Master makes when He fucks me, but when He's in a "talkative" mood during sex, it's always a turn on. He tells me how warm my cunt is, how He wants me to get it wetter, He wants me to soak Him so that I have more to clean up when we're done. *shivers*

Last night He was very inventive all the way around and I was a nothing but a docile, tender, puddle. I was so soaked that I could feel my cum dripping off His balls and onto my feet when He had me on all fours with my ass up in the air and my face pushed down into the mattress.

He allowed me to cum more times than I can remember before having me lay on my stomach so He could use me as His sex toy. He pinned me down to the bed and growled nasty things into my ear as He made use of me.

I begged for His cum. I told Him how much I needed it. I was rewarded by Him filling me and laying on top of me as He came down from it.

When He was ready to, He rolled off of me and had me clean off His cock and balls. He told me to get every last drop, and I did. He then dipped His fingers inside of me and chuckled as He wiped His hand on my chest. He told me that I was absolutely soaked. I giggled and nuzzled His chin.

So, like a well used whore, I fell asleep wet, sore, and with a smile on my face.

Feeling Submissive

Being a slave and feeling submissive are two entirely different things. I'm sure most of you would agree. Sometimes I call it feeling submissive and sometimes I call it feeling docile. To me they are the same thing, it's just a matter of wording.

Today I woke up feeling docile. I was at work and I was actually having a pretty crummy and boring day. I talked to Master and He said that I could leave early if I wanted to. I was out of things to do so I left at 3pm. The only reason I could leave early is because I was the one driving today. The girl who drives the carpool had the day off. Thankfully the other person in the carpool, which I had to take home, wanted to leave early too. So it all worked out.

When I got home Master was sitting on the porch with our dog. Master and I sat out there for a while before coming into the apartment.

I'm trying to be a good girl. I'm trying to not focus on the stress in our lives and focus on my submission to Him instead. The stress becomes too much rather quickly if I actually sit here and try and sort through it. I've been doing it too much and losing sight of other things. I don't mean to do it. It's just that the stress factors keep piling on top of one another that sometimes it feels like a mountain that you can't see the top of.

But once I start bringing my focus to Him and Him alone all of a sudden I become calm, content, happy. I no longer spin my wheels. It's my vacation away from reality basically. Oh, reality is still there and of course I still deal with it, it's just not as intense. It makes me feel like I can get through it and that I don't have to get through it all at one time. It keeps my head from exploding.

Today, thankfully, is one of those days. For whatever reason though that whole stress reducing effect didn't kick in until I saw Him. Like I said, I woke up docile, but the over all effect didn't start until I got home. Funny how that works.

Overwhelming

Lately, sex has been rather rough. I'm not complaining mind you. It's not as if it's unusual for our sex to be rough and to hurt in some way, shape or form. It's just that lately I seem to be more tender afterwards, or during for that matter.

I wonder if that's weird or not. Don't get me wrong, I'm used to being tender and/or sore after sex. But this is a bit more than usual.

I don't think it has anything to do with health or something like that. It's probably just something were my senses are heightened for some reason or another. *shrugs* Hell if I know.

Today is a good example. Master and I went into the bedroom to fool around. After He entered me He quickly became rough, which I enjoyed. He allowed me to cum a few times before He sat up onto His knees. For some reason as He was bouncing me off His cock it was like I couldn't catch my breath, but in a good way. It hurt, it felt good, it was everything at once. The one word that describes it is overwhelming. The sensations just took over. I wasn't thinking, I wasn't able to really make a lot of noise either.

When I come down from that it leaves me a bit out of it. For instance, right now I'm a bit out of it. I'm not sure if this post is making any damn sense what so fucking ever, but at least I'm doing it.

Last night Master allowed me to skip my post because I just really didn't want to blog. He allowed it, even though I know I'm pushing that a bit because I'm doing it more often recently. I'm not sure why.

I guess I just don't really want to blog about all the stress and the stress is kind of taking me over more and more lately. I'm able to stay in one piece and not totally flip out even though sometimes I want to. So it's hard for me to not post about that kind of stuff.

By Any Other Name

I couldn't really think of anything to post about. My brain is a bit fried today. It's been a long damn week even though it was only a four day work week. So a journal prompt is in order.

Is your Dominant called Sir or Master?

Well, there are many names that I have for Master. On my blog I refer to Him as my Master more often than not, obviously. I also call Him my Husband, which is also true but holds an additional meaning to me. More of an old world type meaning. You know, where the wife is more submissive to the Husband.

I also call Him Sir. Sir is just easier sometimes, and it sure as hell can be said in public. Some people looked at me oddly at first, but when I use it in an almost sarcastic tone people don't seem to blink. Master knows I'm not being sarcastic, He knows I'm basically slipping it into the "real world" but still using some sort of discretion.

Something where He "requests" me to do something that I know is actually an order and I say, "Yes Sir!" and do a mock salute type thing. He chuckles and I wink at Him.

Then there is another name. I call Him it a lot in person. I don't know why I don't use it more here on my blog. Maybe because people may get the wrong idea? I'm not sure. I call Him Daddy.

We don't do age play, we don't do the whole mock father and daughter thing. I think that's why I don't want people getting the wrong idea. I personally find nothing wrong with such things, it's just that it's not how Master and I are and it's now what I mean when I call Him Daddy.

I call Him Daddy more in a protector type meaning. He is my protector. Also, He calls me baby girl as an affectionate pet name. That's kind of how I fell into calling Him Daddy. I guess another way to describe it is almost how women will call their husbands, boyfriends, etc. Big Daddy. It's another pet name. I enjoy calling Him that. I have never called Him Big Daddy though, just Daddy.

Does that make any sense at all?

So I guess to answer the question, I call Master several different things and He enjoys them all.

Knot In My Stomach

Have you ever had that feeling where you have a knot in your stomach saying that something is wrong, or something is going to go badly, but you have no idea what it is or when it's going to happen?

I have had that all day today. As a result I feel disconnected. Well, that's not true. When it first hit me I felt incredibly upset. I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what it could be, what it could mean, or if it was just a "false alarm".

But as the feeling stayed with me I ended up disconnecting myself. I was feeling like I was going to cry at work when the knot got worse. So, I ended up shutting down. I was still able to do my job, I just was numb. I think numb is a good word to describe it.

That knot is still in my stomach and it's damn near 8:30pm. There are so many things it could mean that it's hard to pin point. Master put it in a pretty accurate description. He calls it the "the other shoe is about to drop" feeling. It's a feeling of dread, of worry, of concern. As I've said I'm not sure exactly what it's trying to tell me, if anything. Maybe it's just my own nerves finally getting to me. But for it to go on this long, somehow I don't think it's a mind fuck.

Master said that I feel distant and look like I'm about to cry at the drop of a hat. I don't feel like I'm going to cry though. Not anymore. Not since the feeling first hit me.

I'm leaning towards it having to do with something regarding my grandfather. His health is constantly declining. He looks like a walking corpse. He has almost no weight to him. His skin is gray. His memory is fucking with him a lot. You get the picture.

On one hand, the selfish hand, I want him to stay around. On the other hand I want him to be out of pain and out of this fog of confusion that he is living in. He is distancing himself from the family more and more, like an old dog going off into the woods to die.

This will be the first death in the family that I've had to deal with since I was 18. It's been 10 years of everyone in my family (that I am close to) being well. Grandpa has had his ups and downs but I don't think there is going to be an upswing this time.

It worries me. It scares me. But it scares me more to see him like that. He's still walking around, living on his own, hell he's still driving. But seeing him look like that disturbs me. I would rather him go now, rather than going on a more severe decline where he is in a hospital hooked up to tubes and wires.

Like I said, I don't know what this feeling is exactly. I may not want to know. Not yet. I did talk to my mother and she said she hasn't heard anything regarding my grandfather. This is one of those no news is good news situations. Trust me, she'd be one of the first to know. It's not her father, but he still considers her his daughter-in-law even though my parents have been divorced for 11 years. He has known her since she was 15 years old. She's 49 now.

So all I can do is try to ignore this knot in my stomach and just sit back and wait to find out what this early warning system is trying to tell me.

Changes

Well, after a lot of searching and a lot of frustration I finally found a new blog layout that I love. Master was picking on me about it. While I was looking for a new theme and trying to figure it all out He was picking on me about the fact that I just can't leave things alone once I get it stuck in my head.

He wasn't being mean about it or anything. He just knows that I'm a nerd and I'm weird about my blog. So when I'd find a theme I thought I would like and then uploaded it here either a) it didn't work correctly or b) I ended up not liking it at all. And so I would go back to the drawing board so to speak. With all the back and forth and how frustrated I was getting Master was just trying to make me smile.

However, today I found a new theme that I love and works correctly! *gasp* Master loves it as well. He says it's a lot better than my last theme. I have to agree with Him. Since my move here to Blogger this is the third theme I've used. The first one I thought I really liked. Then I noticed that the background color was not consistent. I didn't notice it for a while, but once I did I saw it every fucking time I looked at it and it drove me insane. So I was in a bit of a rush to find a new one. That's when I found the Fantastic Flowers theme and I liked it but after a while it just wasn't slick enough for me. This theme? It is slick, it's dark, it's organized and I am so fucking happy! Master says I have to leave the theme alone now.

Which is fine by me! This is perfect.

I think Master is just happy that I'm not driving Him crazy about my blog theme. I'm not kidding you I would sit there searching for a new theme for hours. I would complain about it when I wasn't searching. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I was driving my Husband up a wall about it. But it's done now. I'm happy, He's happy, it's all good.

Last night Master wasn't feeling the greatest and my head was throbbing so I ended up going to bed earlier than usual. Tonight though thankfully my head is feeling better and Master is feeling better as well. So tonight after the animals are taken care of Master wants me to dress up for Him. He told me to surprise Him so that should be interesting. Hopefully I can figure out something that is a bit out of the ordinary (like a mix and match) that will please Him.

Long Relationships

Today at work I heard the other women who sit around me talking, as usual, when they should be working since our department was so slammed. I continued to work but couldn't help but hear what they were discussing.

The newest girl was complaining about how she isn't madly in love with her boyfriend anymore. She was saying how they have been together for 5 years and now there isn't that "rush" anymore. That newly in love feeling. She said that because of that lack of a rush she feels like it's time to leave. Time to find a new man so she can feel it all over again.

Hell of a way to look at it. She was complaining that she feels more like his friend now rather than his girlfriend. While I can understand that the rush is no longer there, is that actually a valid reason for wanting to leave?

Master and I have been together for 8 1/2 years now and while that constant rush is no longer there, I still feel it. I am deeply in love with my Husband and I am glad that we are still friends. We can sit around and talk bullshit like two friends and we can still be the kind, loving, happily married couple. Now throw in our dynamic and there are quite a few things going on all at the same time. I don't know if that helps keep our relationship "fresh" or not. Either way, I'm happy.

I couldn't imagine going back on the dating scene. In fact the thought of it kind of disgusts me. Master has said much the same. I just can't see how just because you've been with someone for "x" amount of time it warrants leaving them so you can get that rush back. She fully admitted that she still loved him and was still in love with him, just that the rush of a new love wasn't there.

As I said I am deeply in love with my Husband. Even though we have been together for so long there are times where that rush still hits me. I find that the longer we are together the happier I am. There is strength in the time we've spent together, which only gets stronger as more time passes. I am more comfortable, I love the fact that He knows me. Not just the me that some people know, but He knows who I really am. He knows my likes, dislikes, my fears, my dark secrets, my fantasies... the list continues.

In my opinion, no new "love" can compare to that.

Last Day

This has been a wonderful four day weekend. When it first started it felt like it was going to last forever. It was so relaxing. As the days went by I just smiled to myself because I knew I had more time off than normal. But since today is the last day it hit me that I actually have to go back to work tomorrow.

*sad face*

But the extra time with Master is something I really needed. I come home to Him every night and I get every weekend with Him, but at the same time it feels like most of our time together is kind of rushed. I only have two days off a week so we have to slam everything into it. During the work week I just want to stay home. So most of the errands get done on the weekend minus the ones Master did during the week. Plus there are other people who want to see us as well. It's not every weekend but still.

So since this was an extended weekend I took one day out of it to go visit family. The other three days were focused on Master and myself. It was wonderful. Master has been making full use of me. The sex has been rough and frequent. *grins* In fact I'm sore as hell and very submissive lately when it comes to sex. I'd rather be used than get off. Weird right? Yeah, I think so to. Although Master is not minding it one bit. *giggles*

This may sound silly, but normally when I'm at home and on the couch I sit with a pillow in front of me. I just find it comfortable. I kind of hug it to myself. Today Master snatched the pillow from me and had me sit there naked. It took a while to get use to it, since it is pretty much my automatic reaction to grab the damn pillow. So He had to snatch the pillow from me a few times. After that if I grabbed it again when I sat down He just gave me a look and I moved the pillow.

Well, I have to go take my bath and do my exercises before I relax for the rest of the night with Master. For the past few days I've put them off until later in the evening because I knew that Master would let me stay up until early in the morning. Since I have to work tomorrow I know that He won't allow me to stay up to late. I slept in really late today though, so I have a feeling that falling asleep at a half way decent hour is going to be a bitch and a half.

Support

Well, the fixation has bled into today. I was hoping that it wouldn't. But as soon as Master and I were done doing what we were doing and I asked if I could go nerd out, I went right back to trying to find a new theme for the blog. I found one I really liked but it doesn't work right on Blogger. And I couldn't tweak it so that it would. That annoyed the hell out of me. At that point I stopped looking. I'm hoping it'll just be something I do when I'm bored and when I find the right one I'll stop.

I also searched for bipolar online support groups. I found a set of forums that I think will be really helpful. I don't want to do chat rooms. Nope. Not gonna do it. Forums are more comfortable to me. I haven't taken a deep look into the one I signed up for, but I'm sure I will sooner rather than later.

It still bothers me that I am getting so frustrated with this whole theme thing. In fact it's not helped my mood this evening. So, I'm going to just relax for a moment or two looking at the forums. Then, I'm going to have some quality time with my Master.

Fixated

I've noticed that I get very focused sometimes. I become fixated to the point of it drives me nuts. Obsession or becoming fixated on something is part of bipolar disorder. Right now I'm obsessed with getting a new theme for this blog. Now it's not even really about that damn search box. Now it's about me wanting something fresher, newer, sleeker than this current theme.

This theme I have now is dark and I love that, but it's not very slick. It's actually pretty basic as far as the majority of the layout.

I sat here at the computer last night for, I kid you not, two and a half hours looking for a new template. I had thought I found I few I would like. I uploaded them and didn't like them or couldn't get them to work with. Sometimes it was both. Today? Well today I was nice and relaxed about it. At least I started out nice and relaxed about it.

But then, as I was flipping through page after page after page of Blogger themes and couldn't find one I really had to have I became frustrated. I would go so far as to say that I actually got pissed about it. Imagine that. Pissed off over a finding a fucking theme for my blog. Never mind my blog is perfectly functional. It merely doesn't look the way I want it to. That's it. I can still blog. I can still look at the blog and be..... accepting? I guess that's the right word. I can accept how it looks. I just don't love how it looks. I'm not increibly proud of it at this moment. Again, that may sound weird as hell. I want to be proud of what my blog looks like. Now while I could probably design one myself and be fine there is one small problem with that. And it's not the coding part. I could code it just fine. It's the fact that I don't have a paint shop type program. I have the typical paint application that all Windows operating systems have, but nothing where I could really play with images and graphics. Well, not in a way where it wouldn't look professional enough for me. I'm not a professional graphic designer, but I know I could do a lot more with a regular paint shop program.

Those are expensive though and the ones that aren't I don't want to trust on my computer. I'm paranoid that way.

Sometimes being bipolar makes me feel like I'm bat shit crazy. My medication works wonders but there are some things that still happen (although at a lesser degree) that makes me feel nuts. It's not because they are severe. It is simply that I notice them and I know the cause of it. When I didn't know the cause of it I didn't feel crazy. In fact I really didn't even realize what I was doing or how I was reacting to certain stimuli and/or situations. I thought I was being logical at the time. But now that I know better, so to speak, it really bothers me. But there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I don't want to be so drugged up that I'm just happy all the time. I honestly believe that the medication I'm on is wonderful. I'm on the generic version of Lamictal, which is Lamotrigine.

I'm thinking I should look into bipolar forums. This way I can interact with other people who are bipolar, and if I have a question I can share it with others and know their experiences. It is one thing to talk to my shrink, Dr. L, about it. It's another to talk with others who are affected by this disorder. I'm sure Master would think it was a good idea. I hadn't really thought about it until I was writing this post.

I think I'll look into it more either later on tonight or tomorrow during the day. Right now I just don't want to think. I just want to lay on the couch and just chat with Master about what ever pops into our heads or watch a movie. Something to distract me from this fixation I have right now with my blog.

Fucking Hell

Well, as I said in my last post I'm looking into different themes for this blog. I may or may not change it. To be perfectly honest I've been looking through themes for about an hour now. I'll find one I think looks slick as hell, so I preview the entire thing and find that one thing that I dislike about it. Kind of like that damn search option on this current theme. I'm very picky about my blog theme. I want it to some how, some way, reflect who I am. However, in addition to that it also has to have everything the way I like it. Which is why the search option is driving me crazy. I wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't tried using it. But no... I had to try the damn thing. Just thinking about it makes my eye twitch.

I know I'm a nerd, trust me. But it's one of my quirks.

Master let me skip my post last night because I wanted to just relax. He allowed it but told me I had to do a longer post today. My choice last night may have back fired on me. I love blogging, but when I think about how that one thing about it is driving me crazy it makes me want to stop typing and fix it. But I can't fix it in the html/css so I started searching for a new theme. It's just difficult to select one.

I prefer to keep my theme for at least a while. I don't like it when other blogs change themes like they change clothes. So before I make the hop to a different theme I want to make sure that I'm going to keep it. All this over a blog theme. *sigh* But like I said, it's a quirk of mine and I honestly can't really help it. Well, that's not true I could. But it would just irritate the hell out of me until I just get so annoyed with the theme that I pick a new one at random and slap it on the blog just to get it changed out.

I don't want to do that. Thankfully it's only Friday and I have a four day weekend. That will give me some time to look into it a bit more and hopefully find a new one. If anyone has any suggestions and/or sources for kick ass free Blogger themes feel free to let me know about them!

Enough about that for now.

Last night I called my dad to wish him a happy birthday. He turned 50. He kind of tried to guilt trip me because I hadn't called him in a long time. But he hadn't called me either so I didn't react. He did ask that Master and I come down some time soon. Master and I use to love going to his place. Then he got his current girlfriend and suddenly it feels like a chore to even think about going down to his place. I know I should soon. I haven't been down there in quite some time. I do love my dad, but that bitch of his annoys the fuck out of me to the point that I want to grab her fat head and slam it repeatedly into the kitchen counter just so she'll shut the fuck up. Lovely imagery isn't it?

Like I said, I know I have to go down there soon. I just don't know how soon.

Today after I got the errands done I called my grandfather. It was his birthday today. He turned 72. This is the grandparent that isn't in the best of health right now. We talked longer than I thought we would. He doesn't like talking on the phone. But I told him happy birthday and we did some small talk before he said he had to go sit down for a while because he was tired.

For the rest of the night Master and I will just relax and enjoy the extra time together.

Damn

I just tried to search for one of my old posts using that search box on my blog. Guess what. It doesn't search my posts, it searches for other themes. Son. Of. A. Bitch. That annoys me. I may just nerd out later and try to find a different theme that doesn't do that. So if the blog looks weird for a while, bare with me.