Stumbles

Tonight is one of those nights where I know I have to do a post (it's required of me unless I ask Master if I can skip it) but I can't think of anything to do. So off to the journal prompts website!

How do you handle stumbles or wrong attempts as you journey down your own path?

Honestly how I handle them varies. Especially if you start talking about how it was before I was medicated. Holy hell that was a mixed bag that went in one extreme to the other in about 5 seconds flat.

For quite a period of time if I started stumbling on this path of submission that I am on I would get frustrated with myself. But rather than deal with it, mind you these were several bumps in the road until it led up to a 20 car pile up, I would break down and get pissed off. While in this pissed off state I would tell Master (tell, not ask) to take my collar off because I was done. Finished. No doubt about it in my mind in that exact moment. Fuck it. No more! Why? Because if this path was no longer my own then the stumbling would stop. It was logical to me at the time.

Then, no more than a few hours later, I would be crawling at His feet begging for it back. I would cry and be so upset that I wouldn't be able to talk because I was sobbing so hard. It was painful. It was my own doing, which I believe made it worse. It frustrated Master to no end as well. Do I or don't I want to be a slave? Do I want to submit to Him or not? I'm sure Master felt like a ping pong ball. And I deeply regret that. Regardless of it all though, He always slapped the collar back on me. Sometimes I had to earn it back, but it always went back on. He can be a very patient man when He wants to be.

But since being medicated I don't have that war inside me anymore. I have learned that not everything that goes wrong, or ever stumble I make, is due to the dynamic. It's just life. Life is like that. It's a bitch after all.

This lifestyle, path, or whatever you wish to call it, actually gives me the structure that I need. I have something to focus on. I don't have to get caught up in my own head because I know Master wants to listen to my thoughts and help me past them or help me work out what is really bothering me. I mean, I knew that before the medication but I didn't want to admit it at the time. It was easier to just drop it like a bad habit and try to wash my hands of it... because you know, that will fix everything.

I know, it's not logical at all, but at the time it made perfect sense to me in that exact moment. Then reality would bitch slap me into my "normal" state of thinking and I would beg for Him to let me have it all back. Give me that structure, please, I need it. And I do. I honestly feel like I need that structure. If I didn't have it I don't know how I would cope.

But now? Now I double check and go over my thought process before I even open my mouth. Then I'll talk to Master and tell Him that something is bothering me, pissing me off, or just flat out upsetting me. Even if I don't know exactly what it is He'll talk me through it and eventually we get to the heart of the problem.

I know that may make me sound like I'm a little kid, not knowing what is bothering me. But I get so wrapped up in the emotion that I find it hard to actually trace back to the root of said emotion. Not always, I am getting better at it, but it still happens. It is now an order to tell Him what mood I am in when I wake up, and I am ordered to keep Him informed if my mood takes a sudden and sharp turn. Hell, even if I'm just irritable or a bit down I tell Him. If I know the reason why, I tell Him that too. If I don't, I tell Him as much and He gives me some time to think about it or He talks me through it depending on the severity.

Since being medicated I have not had one want or need to ask Master to get rid of the dynamic. The thought hasn't even crossed my mind. So now, when I stumble, Master just dusts me off and gives me a bit of a push and I'm fine again. I'm not perfect. I'm not the best wife or slave on the face of this Earth, but I'm better.