Fixated

I've noticed that I get very focused sometimes. I become fixated to the point of it drives me nuts. Obsession or becoming fixated on something is part of bipolar disorder. Right now I'm obsessed with getting a new theme for this blog. Now it's not even really about that damn search box. Now it's about me wanting something fresher, newer, sleeker than this current theme.

This theme I have now is dark and I love that, but it's not very slick. It's actually pretty basic as far as the majority of the layout.

I sat here at the computer last night for, I kid you not, two and a half hours looking for a new template. I had thought I found I few I would like. I uploaded them and didn't like them or couldn't get them to work with. Sometimes it was both. Today? Well today I was nice and relaxed about it. At least I started out nice and relaxed about it.

But then, as I was flipping through page after page after page of Blogger themes and couldn't find one I really had to have I became frustrated. I would go so far as to say that I actually got pissed about it. Imagine that. Pissed off over a finding a fucking theme for my blog. Never mind my blog is perfectly functional. It merely doesn't look the way I want it to. That's it. I can still blog. I can still look at the blog and be..... accepting? I guess that's the right word. I can accept how it looks. I just don't love how it looks. I'm not increibly proud of it at this moment. Again, that may sound weird as hell. I want to be proud of what my blog looks like. Now while I could probably design one myself and be fine there is one small problem with that. And it's not the coding part. I could code it just fine. It's the fact that I don't have a paint shop type program. I have the typical paint application that all Windows operating systems have, but nothing where I could really play with images and graphics. Well, not in a way where it wouldn't look professional enough for me. I'm not a professional graphic designer, but I know I could do a lot more with a regular paint shop program.

Those are expensive though and the ones that aren't I don't want to trust on my computer. I'm paranoid that way.

Sometimes being bipolar makes me feel like I'm bat shit crazy. My medication works wonders but there are some things that still happen (although at a lesser degree) that makes me feel nuts. It's not because they are severe. It is simply that I notice them and I know the cause of it. When I didn't know the cause of it I didn't feel crazy. In fact I really didn't even realize what I was doing or how I was reacting to certain stimuli and/or situations. I thought I was being logical at the time. But now that I know better, so to speak, it really bothers me. But there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I don't want to be so drugged up that I'm just happy all the time. I honestly believe that the medication I'm on is wonderful. I'm on the generic version of Lamictal, which is Lamotrigine.

I'm thinking I should look into bipolar forums. This way I can interact with other people who are bipolar, and if I have a question I can share it with others and know their experiences. It is one thing to talk to my shrink, Dr. L, about it. It's another to talk with others who are affected by this disorder. I'm sure Master would think it was a good idea. I hadn't really thought about it until I was writing this post.

I think I'll look into it more either later on tonight or tomorrow during the day. Right now I just don't want to think. I just want to lay on the couch and just chat with Master about what ever pops into our heads or watch a movie. Something to distract me from this fixation I have right now with my blog.