Boring Yet Interesting

Sometimes that is how I think of myself. I'm boring but interesting at the same time. It really doesn't have to do with anything at all. Just small stuff that pops into my brain from time to time.

Boring: I have never been a heavy drinker. Ever. I was never a party girl. I was never a bar fly. Nope. None of that. Hell, now I can't even really have my own drink due to the medication I'm on. If I want some I have to basically either order my own and only drink up to half of it or I ask for a few sips from a drink Master is having. It kind of sucks. Like I said, I've never been a heavy drinker but I wouldn't mind a Mike's Hard Lemonade sometimes. I've only ever been drunk twice in my life. Both of those times were accidental.

Interesting: I have tattoos. I have twelve tattoos currently and you can be damn sure I'm not done yet. I've always said that I'll stop at thirteen. Why? I just thought it would be kind of funny. But now I see this tattoo that I want or that tattoo that I want. Yet, I also don't have a lot of room left where I am willing to put tattoos. *shrugs* We shall see. I started getting tattoos when I was 18. If I remember correctly it was shortly after my 18th birthday. And even though people have told me that since I started getting them so young, that I would regret them when I was older. Here I am only a few months shy of being 32 and I don't regret a single one of them.

Boring: I don't have any friends. Well, I kind of do. There is Bry, who is our friend that Master was the best man for his wedding. But I think we've seen him all of three or four times since his wedding, which was about two years ago. Then there is our friend that moved down to Florida and we only saw him once since then and it was because we had just gotten married and his sister had just had a baby. So he pretty much killed two birds with one stone. I don't blame him at all. It's expensive as hell to travel back and forth. I know Master and I can't afford it. And ya know what? I don't want a lot of friends. I am perfectly content as is.

Interesting: I'm a slave. Yep. But then again you knew that. Obviously. I mean here you are reading this post after all.

Boring: I love to read. I guess that's not really boring. But a lot of people think it is. "What do you mean you just sit there and read for fun?" As if reading is a chore or punishment. I don't think it is at all. Hell, I've recently found a new author I like. Oddly enough I found the first book that introduced me to this author at a grocery store of all places. The author is Gilliam Flynn. I devoured that book in no time flat. So I went out and bought another one. Devoured that one too. And so, yet again, I went out and bought another one. I'm reading that one currently. The sucky thing is that she has only written these three books. *sad face* And it's really shocking for me to pick up a book I know nothing about by an author I have never heard of. It worries me that I am shelling out money for something I might have to drag myself through to the end and then hate it. It's not like a movie. I mean, I don't want to waste money on those either, but to me it is different with a book.

Interesting: I have piercings. Three of them to be exact. Oddly enough none of them are in my ears. I used to have my ears pierced. Two on each lobe and one in the cartilage in my left year. I took the one in my cartilage out because my hair continuously got caught in it and that fucking hurts. The four, total, in my lobes I took out because I couldn't really find any earrings that I really loved that weren't gold or a metal I couldn't wear. I can wear gold. I just don't like it. Not even white gold. At least not on myself. So now I just have one piercing in each nipple and a VCH (vertical clit hood) piercing.

Boring: I don't really have a lot of hobbies. I read and just recently I started making paracord bracelets and key chains. I also code for my blog when I get bored with it. I guess you could consider writing in this blog as a hobby, but I don't really see it as one because it is mandatory.

Interesting: I have a fucked up sense of humor, I swear a lot, and I'm morbid. Yes, I guess that counts as three but I'm doing them all in one. So there. My fucked up sense of humor is both out there and dark, depending on my mood. I can normally get people to crack up, especially Master. I swear a lot because well, it's just how I talk. I obviously swear when I'm pissed off or in pain but I swear as it was a perfectly normal way of talking. "What the fuck ever.", "What the shit are you even fucking talking about dude?", "I'm bored as fucking hell. Damn it. Fuuuccckkk. I wanna fucking do something but there is nothing to fucking do." And I'm not even angry when I say those things. It's just how I talk. The only time I'm not talking like that is when I work. Somehow I am, thankfully, able to flip that switch. As far as my being morbid, I'm not what you would think. I'm not gothic. I'm not emo. Sometimes I wish I could look a little more out there. Especially my hair. I would absolutely love having either purple or dark blood red streaks in my hair. But with the line of work I normally have I can't. I wouldn't get hired. Not that I'm getting hired now, but ya know. Whatever. I've thought about doing it anyway. I truly have. Especially the red. I figure I could pass with the blood red streaks. People have red hair. Maybe not that shade but still. Purple? No way. That is so not a natural hair color. What really pisses me off though is that I see people with fucked up hair colors that are working and I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "Then what the fuck is stopping me?" *sigh*

So anyway, those are just a few things that run through my head from time to time.

Move Along

I've been pretty bummed lately. Not depressed. Not even close to being depressed. But just down and bummed. I try to joke around as much as possible because I feel better when I do. But then things settle down and I go back to being bummed. I don't know how else to describe it except for bummed. I also feel spread out and scattered.

It's nothing that anyone is doing. It's nothing that I'm doing. It's all circumstantial. The weather also isn't helping. Due to the weather I either wake up with my sinuses killing me or a pounding headache. If I'm lucky it's both. Today was just the headache.

The whole situation with my Grandpa is really getting to me. I just want it all to be done. I want him to be at peace and for us to be able to grieve and figure out all the other shit that will occur after the fact. Which, quite honestly, sounds like it is going to be ugly.

Not working is not helping either. Income would be nice. I'm making all the paracord items and yes I have sold some, which is nice, but I want something reliable. And it's not like I'm getting rich off the paracord. Trust me, I'm not. But I enjoy doing it and I have made a little money. It's better than nothing.

I know the whole bummed and scattered feeling is showing on my face. Several people have told me that I look tired and pale. Well, I'm naturally pale so when someone tells me I look pale, that's pretty bad.

I'm not sick. Aside from the headaches and sinus pressure in the morning I feel fine. *shrugs*

Tomorrow Master and I are going to go see my dad for a little while. I'm not totally looking forward to it but it gets me out of the house. We'll also be stopping at the craft store I go to because I asked Master today if it would be okay to make our dog a collar out of the paracord. I made one for a customer and I like the look of it. Master said it would be fine so we'll be picking up the things I need there before we go to my dad's. Then later on tomorrow night or maybe Sunday I'll make the dog collar. I hope it turns out nicely. If it doesn't I'll have to take it all apart and start over.

Master has been trying to keep me laughing. It's not like my life is all woe is me. It's not. But right now I can't shake that bummed and scattered feeling.

Self Image

I have no idea why, but a thought ran through my head today. It has to do with self image. No, I'm not saying I have a bad one. It's just one thing I noticed today.

My hair was long my entire life. In fact my dad had a rule that I was not allowed to cut my hair. Period. End of fucking story. I was allowed to trim it and that was it. I think why Dad had that rule is because I'm a girl and damn it girls should have long hair.

Since I was and am a rocker chick I loved long hair anyway. So it never bothered me. What does being a rocker chick have to do with long hair? I was big into 80's metal which meant long as hell hair, whether it be on a guy or girl. Never mind I was born in 1983 and most of my adolescence took place in the 90's. My music tastes were pretty much strictly set in the decade I was born rather than the one I actually grew up in.

So, as I said, I had no problem keeping my hair long. And when I met Master it was long, obviously. I was only 20 when I met him and had never once cut my hair short. And He loved it. He thought my hair was gorgeous. And back then I was putting blonde streaks in it. (I'm a brunette.) Eventually I stopped doing that and got my hair all back to one color. But the length of my hair never changed.

Then one summer, I honestly don't remember how long ago it was, I asked permission to cut my hair. I know we were already married by then, although I think it was rather early in the marriage itself. I had asked because the summer was extremely hot and I get migraines from having my hair up too long. And that summer I was having it up almost constantly. So my migraines were more frequent.

He granted me that permission and so I went off to a hair salon. They actually went shorter than I had initially wanted to go, by about an inch. On my way home I was nervous. Long beautiful hair our entire relationship and I'm going to walk in the door with my hair was now hanging just beneath my chin. It was short. And it seemed even shorter because my hair is naturally curly, on the ends especially.

So I walk in the door and nervously waited for His reaction. He actually liked it. I thought it looked nice. It took me a long time to get used to though. And then once the summer was over I started to grow it longer again. However, the following summer I chopped it again. Only this time Master cut it. It was the same reason as before. Too damn hot and my fucking migraine issue.

That was the last time my hair was cut. We had agreed that the novelty had worn off. I think that's one of the reasons why He liked it in the beginning. It was something new and had turned out well.

As I said though the novelty had worn off. I wanted my hair longer again and He agreed. We both feel that it looks better than me having short hair. And if I need to cool off in the summer I will not be cutting my hair. I'll put it in a damn ponytail and deal with it. Or I'll grab one of my baseball hats and put my hair through the opening in the back where the snaps are and put it up that way, which doesn't trigger a migraine.

So it's grown this whole time. It's been well over two years. I'd dare say closer to three or three and a half. It's taken a long as hell time. And it was one of those things where I didn't even really notice until I started laying on it or sitting back on the couch and trying to move my head just to realize that my hair was stuck behind me.

And after I noticed that I smiled. He did too. That started last year ago. Now? Now it's back to it's old length. It reaches the middle of my back again! I'm going to of course let it continue to grow.

The reason I'm comparing all of this to self image is because I looked through some older pictures the other day and I came across quite a few where I had short hair. As in when we first cut it. And I don't look bad. I really don't. But I find myself only being able to say I look cute. Not sexy. Not hot. Just cute. Since I don't look my age to begin with the short hair just added to that fact and I think looking back now, it worked against me and how attractive I found myself.

As I was walking to the car today, I didn't have a winter hat on for the first time in a while now. And I felt the wind blow my hair back and play with it, moving it all over the place. I happened to catch myself in the reflection of a window and realized that I absolutely love how my hair looks. (I still play with the idea of adding streaks to it but I don't think it's going to happen.)

I wouldn't call me "cute" anymore. I feel sexier with long hair. There is no other way to really describe it. I look more like how I think I should look. I feel more like myself with longer hair. In fact as I'm typing this and kind of bopping to the music pumping through my ear buds I feel my hair flowing down my back and resting against my arm to the point that I feel it past my elbow. I love it.

And I honestly feel that Master finds me sexier with longer hair. Not that He didn't find me attractive with short hair. I just see a difference in both of us when I have long hair versus when I had shorter hair.

I feel like the sexy rocker chick that I love feeling like. Now all I have to do is start exercising more. I'm not fat or anything. And I don't feel that way. I'm probably at 115lbs right now, tops. But I miss feeling toned. I think that's really my only problem. I don't feel toned.

I want the whole look. My hair is there again, finally. Now I just have to get that toned feeling back and I'm good to fucking go.

Fucking Hell

Well, as I said in my last post I'm looking into different themes for this blog. I may or may not change it. To be perfectly honest I've been looking through themes for about an hour now. I'll find one I think looks slick as hell, so I preview the entire thing and find that one thing that I dislike about it. Kind of like that damn search option on this current theme. I'm very picky about my blog theme. I want it to some how, some way, reflect who I am. However, in addition to that it also has to have everything the way I like it. Which is why the search option is driving me crazy. I wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't tried using it. But no... I had to try the damn thing. Just thinking about it makes my eye twitch.

I know I'm a nerd, trust me. But it's one of my quirks.

Master let me skip my post last night because I wanted to just relax. He allowed it but told me I had to do a longer post today. My choice last night may have back fired on me. I love blogging, but when I think about how that one thing about it is driving me crazy it makes me want to stop typing and fix it. But I can't fix it in the html/css so I started searching for a new theme. It's just difficult to select one.

I prefer to keep my theme for at least a while. I don't like it when other blogs change themes like they change clothes. So before I make the hop to a different theme I want to make sure that I'm going to keep it. All this over a blog theme. *sigh* But like I said, it's a quirk of mine and I honestly can't really help it. Well, that's not true I could. But it would just irritate the hell out of me until I just get so annoyed with the theme that I pick a new one at random and slap it on the blog just to get it changed out.

I don't want to do that. Thankfully it's only Friday and I have a four day weekend. That will give me some time to look into it a bit more and hopefully find a new one. If anyone has any suggestions and/or sources for kick ass free Blogger themes feel free to let me know about them!

Enough about that for now.

Last night I called my dad to wish him a happy birthday. He turned 50. He kind of tried to guilt trip me because I hadn't called him in a long time. But he hadn't called me either so I didn't react. He did ask that Master and I come down some time soon. Master and I use to love going to his place. Then he got his current girlfriend and suddenly it feels like a chore to even think about going down to his place. I know I should soon. I haven't been down there in quite some time. I do love my dad, but that bitch of his annoys the fuck out of me to the point that I want to grab her fat head and slam it repeatedly into the kitchen counter just so she'll shut the fuck up. Lovely imagery isn't it?

Like I said, I know I have to go down there soon. I just don't know how soon.

Today after I got the errands done I called my grandfather. It was his birthday today. He turned 72. This is the grandparent that isn't in the best of health right now. We talked longer than I thought we would. He doesn't like talking on the phone. But I told him happy birthday and we did some small talk before he said he had to go sit down for a while because he was tired.

For the rest of the night Master and I will just relax and enjoy the extra time together.

She's Getting High On Revlon

Okay, I'm sure that title doesn't make any sense what so ever unless you know the song "Gasoline" by Seether. I remember when that song first came out, and I loved it. Well today I heard it on the radio, and it inspired a blog post. Odd isn't it?

I wasn't allowed to wear make-up when I was a teenager. My dad had forbidden it. And so that caused two things. One, I never really learned a lot about how to apply make-up. And two, it made me never really want to wear it.

It's not that I wanted to wear a lot of make-up when I was a teenager. Honestly I've never been the type to cake it on, and I'm still not.

The one thing I did do as a teenager was wear really fucked up make-up. Yes, I know I already said that I wasn't allowed to. But I would buy it while out with friends, and then put it on at school, come home and wash it off before my father got home. My mother didn't give a shit, she just thought I was weird. Weird how you ask? Well my favorite thing to do back then was wear silver lipstick and silver eyeliner. Yes, silver. Bright as hell, shiny, silver. And it was awesome. Or sometimes I would take my friends black eyeliner pencils and draw designs around the corner of my eyes. I came up with some weird shit, let me tell you.

So anyway, yes sometimes I wear make-up now. But I have never gone away from three simple basics: 1) Eyeshadow/eye liner. 2) Lipstick. 3) Mascara.

That's it. I never, ever, wear foundation. I think it looks bad on most people, no matter how "little" they are actually using. And I don't see the point of it. If you don't want to see my face without make-up on, then don't fucking look at me.

Master finds me beautiful without make-up. Yes, make-up can enhance your beauty, but that's all you should really use it for. It shouldn't be what makes you beautiful, or what you think makes you beautiful.

I understand vanity. But seriously, you shouldn't have to do your hair, make sure your nail polish is flawless, and put on a bunch of make-up to go to the grocery store. What. The. Fuck.

If I'm just running down to the grocery store, I put on clothes and shoes. That's all the preparation I need.

If Master didn't find me beautiful without make-up I would be devastated, and pretty pissed off all at the same time. I've heard men tell their women to "go put their face on". Um, if her face is removable, you have some serious problems my friend. And it's not her cooking skills, or lack there of.

What's even funnier to me, is that those kind of guys are usually ugly as sin. It's rather interesting.

I understand wanted to enhance your looks, or modify it. Hell I have piercings and tattoos. I've dyed my hair in the past. Yes, I put nail polish on. And I've even had fake nails a time or two.

But I don't have to have any of that to be beautiful. I am beautiful. Why do so many women think they have to have all this crap. I once saw a quote that I couldn't agree with more.

"Fake tan. Fake nails. Fake hair color. A lot of make-up. Bitch, are you sure you weren't made in China?"

When I first saw that I was like, "Exactly!" And yes, I kind of felt a bit like a hypocrite because as I said, I've dyed my hair, and I've had fake nails. But I've never had a fake tan, I wear a minimal amount of make-up when I do wear it, and both times I got my nails done they lasted about three weeks and then I wanted them off. And then I said fuck it, and have just been painting them when I feel like it or Master wants me to. Oh, and now I'm not allowed to dye my hair because of a really bad fuck up where I was trying to have more of a reddish tint to my hair and my hair ended up purple. Yeah. That sucked.

So I guess the point I have to all this, is I don't understand those type of women. Make-up to me should be an enhancement of your looks, not your look entirely.

 

Flittering Thoughts

*post updated because Master does not like the new name thing. He prefers initials. After reading the post I realized I eventually didn't know who I was talking about. So I have to agree that initials are easier.*

I don't know why I feel like doing two posts in one day. Maybe because I missed a post yesterday? Who knows.

This post is going to be pretty random, hence the title. You have been warned. ;-)

As I'm trying to post about people in our lives.. I find myself using their first initial. And until my last post that seemed to be working just fine. But then I realized that two of our friends have names that have the same first initial. Damn!

Also I'm not good at creating nicknames for them. The ones I use for them face to face are usually shortened versions of their first names. But then their first names would be easily determined, and for some reason I don't feel comfortable revealing that.

For instance, S and SS are two completely different people. Blah.

Now yes, I could just ya know... not blog about them. But sometimes this is what I feel like writing about. And where as I do blog a lot about submission, and sex... I also like to blog about the more mundane and boring things as well. My submission to Master doesn't stop outside of this apartment, and neither does my life. So these more "vanilla" situations pop up into my gray matter when I'm blogging.

I'll have to figure that part out.

*leaves for a moment*

Okay I'm back. Did you miss me?

I just finished creating a page for those of you who want to keep track of who the hell I'm talking about in my posts. People may be added as time goes by. The page is called "The Cast". Enjoy!

This will make posting so much easier!

Master and I talked about VH and SS quite a bit on and off through out today. SS, according to Master, has calmed down quite a bit over the years. He had lost contact with her for many years. We only got back in contact with her about six months ago. VH and Master had also lost contact, but we got back into frequent contact with her around the time that we got married. So around two years ago.

SS has calmed down and seemed to have more of a handle on her life. Where has VH is on a downward spiral, it would seem. And that downward spiral at first seemed to worry Master. He has tried talking with her, but she immediatley gets defensive and it doesn't seem to do any good. So now, her behavior just seems to disgust Him. I can't say that I blame Him at all. It not only disgusts me to a degree, it also irritates the living hell out of me. But VH is His god sister. So, in a way I feel like to we have to try and help her.

They grew up together. But on the other hand, the hand that likes to cut my losses early on, wants to say.... She's a grown woman and you can't help those who do not want to help themselves.

So we aren't sure what we want to do.

We had been hoping to just hang out with SS last night, because I'm still trying to get to know her and she's pretty fun to hang out with. So perhaps next time we'll make sure to hang out outside of Master's home town so VH will be less likely to show up.

Master and I saw District 9 today. It wasn't what I thought it was going to be, but it was interesting none the less. I'm glad that we went. :-) We then went out to dinner. When we got home I took my bath and put on an outfit so I would look nice for Master. Now Master is watching Monster Quest and another show on His Xbox 360.

Some of them interest me, and others do not. So now I'm here online just kind of flitting around.

Back To The Grindstone

Well, the weekend was a blast. I had a lot of fun with Master and His god sister.

You know what? It seems that the way we are when we go out to the bar is a bit different then it used to be. If Master and I went with a group of friends, sometimes I felt ignored. I felt pushed to the side. Master is very... charismatic. Especially when it comes to His friends. They all want to drag Him off to show Him something, to talk in private, etc. In fact I remember quite a few times where we would go out with friends and I'd end up sitting on the end of the line.. out of the conversation. Not because I wanted to, but because everyone else would want to sit next to Him, closer to Him.

I'm a big girl and all, but that stung. Master would try and drag me into the conversation or have me sit next to Him.. but people would move, people would cut me off while I was talking or just simply talk over me..

Everyone wanted a piece of Master. It drove me nuts. I don't share well, especially when I'm being excluded. Ya wanna know who would do such things? I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count. The husband and wife that I always bitch about. Oh yes, them.

But whenever they aren't there... not only does everyone wanna talk to Master.. they want to talk to me. They want to include me. His god sister loves me to bits. Yeah they'll shoot pool and I'll be sitting at the bar or at a table.. but they talk to me. They joke around, they listen when I talk.

And maybe this is just poor memory on my part, but it seems like Master tries more to pull me in too. He checks on me, makes sure I'm having a good time. And I do believe we flirt more with one another than we used to, if that's possible.

I'm not saying He ever really ignored me in the past, but it just feels different now. I don't know why. But I'm sure we'll find out for sure this Saturday. This Saturday is when a group of us, including the married couple, are supposed to meet up for a few drinks.

I think part of the reason it feels different now, is because I'm more comfortable with myself in a bar setting. Ya see, back then.. I was barely old enough to get in or I wasn't used to being in a bar. I was still figuring out what kind of bars I felt comfortable in, what I liked to drink, etc.. so yeah. I'm sure that's part of it as well. I'm more myself now.

Okay so enough about that.

Master and I just went to sleep last night. Master's back was hurting, and we both had to get up early. So this morning when we got up we talked for a few minutes before I had to head out the door. My day at work was a lot more relaxed than I thought it was going to be. Normally Mondays are really hectic. Today was pretty smooth.

Master was able to pick me up. We hit the ATM, got food, and then went home. We watched a movie while we ate dinner and then I took my bath. I started my period today. Joy and rapture. I guess that explains the crying thing last week. Damn PMS bullshit.

Things like PMS and my period in general have been different for the last year or so. I hate that. Stupid body changes.