Knot In My Stomach

Have you ever had that feeling where you have a knot in your stomach saying that something is wrong, or something is going to go badly, but you have no idea what it is or when it's going to happen?

I have had that all day today. As a result I feel disconnected. Well, that's not true. When it first hit me I felt incredibly upset. I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what it could be, what it could mean, or if it was just a "false alarm".

But as the feeling stayed with me I ended up disconnecting myself. I was feeling like I was going to cry at work when the knot got worse. So, I ended up shutting down. I was still able to do my job, I just was numb. I think numb is a good word to describe it.

That knot is still in my stomach and it's damn near 8:30pm. There are so many things it could mean that it's hard to pin point. Master put it in a pretty accurate description. He calls it the "the other shoe is about to drop" feeling. It's a feeling of dread, of worry, of concern. As I've said I'm not sure exactly what it's trying to tell me, if anything. Maybe it's just my own nerves finally getting to me. But for it to go on this long, somehow I don't think it's a mind fuck.

Master said that I feel distant and look like I'm about to cry at the drop of a hat. I don't feel like I'm going to cry though. Not anymore. Not since the feeling first hit me.

I'm leaning towards it having to do with something regarding my grandfather. His health is constantly declining. He looks like a walking corpse. He has almost no weight to him. His skin is gray. His memory is fucking with him a lot. You get the picture.

On one hand, the selfish hand, I want him to stay around. On the other hand I want him to be out of pain and out of this fog of confusion that he is living in. He is distancing himself from the family more and more, like an old dog going off into the woods to die.

This will be the first death in the family that I've had to deal with since I was 18. It's been 10 years of everyone in my family (that I am close to) being well. Grandpa has had his ups and downs but I don't think there is going to be an upswing this time.

It worries me. It scares me. But it scares me more to see him like that. He's still walking around, living on his own, hell he's still driving. But seeing him look like that disturbs me. I would rather him go now, rather than going on a more severe decline where he is in a hospital hooked up to tubes and wires.

Like I said, I don't know what this feeling is exactly. I may not want to know. Not yet. I did talk to my mother and she said she hasn't heard anything regarding my grandfather. This is one of those no news is good news situations. Trust me, she'd be one of the first to know. It's not her father, but he still considers her his daughter-in-law even though my parents have been divorced for 11 years. He has known her since she was 15 years old. She's 49 now.

So all I can do is try to ignore this knot in my stomach and just sit back and wait to find out what this early warning system is trying to tell me.