Freaking Out & Calming Down

I don't understand how my own mind works to be perfectly honest.

In the face of some things, which doesn't really seem to have rhyme or reason to it, I can be calm, cool and collected. This mainly has to do with Master's health. Somethings up with Him, and I get this cold feeling running through me and I'm all business.

Finances? It depends. Sometimes I'm like "We can do this!" and other times I'm like "Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

This morning, when my paycheck hit, I logged into the bank and took a look. I knew rent was covered but wasn't sure how I was going to cover the other two bills due at the beginning of the month and still have money for us to live on. I freaked. Master was asleep and my mind wasn't fully awake when I did any of this. So I think the whole not being awake thing didn't help.

My mind was spinning as to how I was gonna do this. This stuck with me through most of the morning at work. Then out of fucking no where, my mind calmed down. It grew very logical.

See I used to have a problem keeping the bank account in the black. This was in part due to not keeping a very close eye on finances, as well as our bank sucking. First we didn't realize that they were charging us $5/per month for online bill pay. They also had some other fees that they were assessing to the accounts that I still am not sure what they fuck they were for, since I never got a straight answer. And these fees came out at random times during the month. Second, their online banking thing was never accurate. And lastly, their customer service sucked. They always gave you an attitude unless you were depositing money. If you had any questions or wanted to conduct business past, "Here take my money, please!" they were cunts about it.

So three things happened that helped us keep it in the black. First, we changed banks. Oh. My. Gods! The difference in customer service was flat out amazing! Free bill pay also help. (Why the fuck people pay a monthly fee so they can pay their bills, is something I'll never understand.) Second, I started keeping any receipt we obtained when we used the debit cards and writing them all down, and keeping track of the finances that way. Then I would compare what I had written down to the online banking website. Third, we stopped paying at the pump. Fuck that only taking a dollar out and then anywhere from one to five days later take the rest out. That got us in trouble more than once before we started keeping such a close eye on things. And since that point, we have never once had an overdraft charge. Yay us! (It's been well over a year.)

And it is one of our goals to keep it that way. So I think that adds to the stress. Because seriously who wants to pay the bank money when you don't have to? Right? Right.

So anyway, my mind calmed down and I was like, "Okay maybe this bill will let me push the due date a little bit." You see, the due date is the 9th and my paycheck is that Friday. So I was like, "Yeah they should totally let me do that."

That freed up some money. And then I started thinking about it and I was like, "Wait a damn minute, my math must be off somewhere from this morning when I was partially brain dead because I hadn't had caffeine yet." So I redid my math and sure as shit I was off by some $50.00. Cause ya know, doing math when you've only been awake for 15 minutes is never a bright idea.

So I calmed the hell down.

Master picked me up from work and we dropped off the rent check. Isn't it amazing how bored landlords seem when you hand them a check that is worth quite a bit of your hard earned cash? Like it's freaking pennies. Blah.

When we got home we discussed the finances. I told Him, "Okay your ticket is paid. And of course rent is paid. Now I just have to call this bill and see if they will let me slide a few days from the due date."

So I called them and they had no problem with that at all. They said it was within an acceptable time from the due date.

Then I paid the other bill that is due at the beginning of the month and transferred what we had left over of my check into the main account. It's not a lot. But it'll have to do for the next two weeks. Why? Cause it's all we have.

Then Master got all of His papers organized for the unemployment hearing on Monday.

Okay so what is the point of all my ramblings about me freaking out and calming the hell down?

Well, I get panic attacks. And sometimes I think that things like finances triggers them. Which is why I freak the hell out. And then just as quickly as they hit me, they go away. And when those panic attacks hit I feel like the world around me is crashing down on my head. I can't breathe right, and it's like all of my senses are hypersensitive. It sucks.

Then I started thinking about my mom. She has an anxiety disorder and is on Xanax for it. She also takes it for depression, which I also used to suffer from. Okay, sometimes I still do but I can yank myself out of it by mentally bitch slapping myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I got these things from her, and if I should also be medicated. Then I remember, "Hey I use to be medicated for depression and I was a fucking zombie! I hated it!" Granted it wasn't Xanax I was on, it was something else that I can't remember the name of because I was last on it when I was 15.

But I don't want to go back to doctors for that shit. I really don't. We don't have the money for that shit number one, and number two I really don't want to be on meds again.

So this is my way of rambling and trying to rummage through all this shit in my head. Bleh.

Another Thursday

Last night, after my blog post I took care of the animals and put everything away. I then climbed into bed with Master and ended up crying and apologizing for how I had acted the night before. He said He understood, but that this was going to take some time.

He ended up using me. But once He got off He couldn't sleep. So He told me to go to bed and went back out into the living room.

This morning BC took me to work. I stayed the whole day and I'm feeling a lot better than I did yesterday. Today I just had a bad headache, which is probably due to the rain.

Master picked me up from work. We went home and ate dinner. Master is currently watching Earth 2 on Netflix. Me? I'm just buzzing around the internet after taking my shower.

Not a lot to say right now. Tomorrow will be a day of figuring out finances. Joy.

Not Feeling Well

Last night after Master and I had our fight, we didn't talk to each other for a while. Eventually however we did start to talk, and I was very tired and ended up getting slap happy. We cuddled in bed last night and joked around a bit.

But I know the emotional wounds are still there.

The fight we had mainly revolved around finances, and how resentment towards the situation is building. Now yes, I know we both agreed that Him quitting His job was the right decision. It was not a healthy situation to be in. And I know this. And He knows this.

Hell He was the one living it, being there sometimes up to 19 hours in one day. I hated Him working there. And I know damn well that He hated working there too. But we both thought He'd have found another job by now. I'm still glad He's not at that hell hole. It's just frustrating, as I know it is more frustrating for Him.

The only call backs He is getting is pyramid schemes or things that want you to work for commission only. And in this economy, commission only isn't going to cut it. Hell some weeks it may not even pay for your gas to get to and from work.

As I said last night I was looking for a fight. I don't know, nor do I really care if other people get that way. But I come from past relationships where fighting was a constant thing. And honestly Master and I don't fight that often. So when we do, like last night, the gloves come off and because we have been together for over 6 1/2 years... well let's just say that when you know someone that well, you know just how to hurt them. And when you love someone, and you do know how to hurt them, it hurts even more because that person knows that you love them.

I said things. Things that I truly wish I had not said. Stress regarding finances is getting to me. It sucks, and I know this. The postponement of the hearing for unemployment didn't help. I was hoping, as I know He was, that it would be done and over with now. None of this is an excuse mind you, and I know that.

This is the dangerous thing about loving someone so deeply. You hurt them, and you know that you did. And you regret it. But you also know that now, the emotional wounds are there, and the guard is up. And you aren't quite sure how to ease that tension, or how to make things right. I apologized to Him after we had calmed down. But I know that isn't enough.

Yes, we were joking around and cuddling last night. But that doesn't mean that the words don't still sting. And by that I mean the ones I was slinging. Not Him. He took the higher road.

He went for a walk after I was done to calm Himself, and then came back, told me exactly what He thought very directly and to the point. That was that. He then asked me to leave Him alone because He didn't want to bite my head off. All of this after I was a complete and utter bitch.

Then comes today.

I go to work. I had maybe four hours of sleep. Around 9:30am I start feeling dizzy and go into the bathroom. I get sick. My throat hurts. I feel like I'm sweating but I'm not actually sweating and my skin feels cool to the touch.

Who do I turn to?

My mate. The one person in this world who loves me with every fiber in His being.

I call Him and He runs me through what it could be. Up to and including PMS. Which He said (and He's right) I usually go through towards the end of the month. The minute He said that, and He didn't say it with any venom in His voice, I thought about last night and I felt like a complete ass. I am one of those women who believe that PMS is not a license to be a bitch.

I asked Him to come pick me up. I knew that we couldn't really afford for me to take the day off unpaid, but again as He said when I do get sick, because it happens so rarely, it hits me hard and it hits me fast. And I need to rest.

He picked me up without batting an eyelash. I thanked Him when He got there. He simply said, "Well how else are you going to get home?" Again no venom or anger. Just simple truth.

And when I was talking to my coworker I told her I was going to call my Hubby to see if He thought I should go home. She told me "Fuck that, just tell him you're coming home cause you don't feel well."

I told her that's not how we work. We talk about things.

Again I felt like a bitch. If I had just sat down and told Him what I've been feeling instead of looking for a fight as an excuse to get it out, things last night would have gone differently.We talk, is what I told her. And we do.

But last night I didn't. Last night I lashed out.

And when He was telling me, after His walk, what He was thinking He told me to grow up. That stung, but I needed to hear it. If I had been acting like I was grown, instead of like a teen punk who wanted to fight for the sake of fighting, I would have had the sense of mind to go, "Babe, we need to talk. I'm stressing out and I need Your words and I need Your comfort."

He has sacrificed a lot for us. Because He loves me. I know He has. And I hate that He has had to.

I feel guilty because we are in this situation, financially. I feel like I should be doing better for us, money wise. I feel like I'm not making enough money. I've made a lot less, believe me. But when we're scraping by I feel that sting of, "Kitten, you should do more." And I think know that played into last night. I feel I'm not doing enough. And so again, that lash out. Because it's easier to lash out at everything else instead of analyzing what is going on in your head. I did this after the fight. I should have done it before and told Him all of this.

He doesn't make me feel that way. He never tells me, "You're not doing enough!" He always says, "It's not just on your shoulders babe." or "You're doing your best, and that's all you can do."

I have nothing of value to sell besides the car. And we need the car. We have the computer, but we need that as well. So many places want you to submit your applications online these days.

But off of that subject.

When Master got me home today He immediatley started telling me what to do. "Take your temperature. Okay that's fine. Take a tylenol in case you get a fever, and take a benadryl in case it's sinuses. Eat something small in case it's your blood sugar. Now rest, and drink lots of fluids."

He only ever has my best interests in mind.

Gods I love Him so much. And I hurt Him. Why did I do that? Why did those words have to be spat out? Why couldn't I have come to Him in a respectful and loving manner?

I am so sorry. So, so sorry.

I know He still loves me. I asked Him that last night. And He said yes. He has proven it time and time again. He has always had my back.

"Oh you have a job that stresses you out to the point that you want to break down and cry, but you found a different job that is much less stressful, but you have to take over a $2 an hour paycut? Do it!"

He let me do that.

And I repay Him for all of His sacrifices and all of His support with ungratefulness.

It's not that we can't get past this. I know that we can. We have gotten past so much worse. But for now the wounds are fresh and my guilt is deep.

I love You my mate. And for all that I have said, and all I have done, I am truly sorry. And I will show You that I am, and that I can be better.

 

Tonight Sucked

Sometimes the smallest things can trigger a fight.

Tonight, that is exactly what happened.

I fully admit I was looking for one. And I got it.

He now wants to be left alone for the rest of the night and doesn't want to talk.

After the fight He went for a walk. When He got back from the walk, He said what He had to say, and then wanted to be left alone.

That's all I have to say right now.

Mother. Fucker.

So...

I go into work today and it's raining out. It was dreary out. And I wasn't as tired as I thought I was going to be but still would have rather been in bed since it was just the weather for staying in and not doing much, ya know?

So my day is going along, and it's going rather quickly for a change. Then shortly after lunch Master calls my work phone and it's about a 20 second conversation. It goes something like this:

Master: "I got a call from unemployment. Cancel your requested days off. Don't ask any questions. I'll call you back soon."

Me: *confused as hell* "Uh. Okay."

Master: "Love you. Bye."

*click*

You see, I had requested tomorrow off because of the unemployment hearing. I then had also requested Wednesday off, just for shits and giggles.

So I keep doing my work. I fully admit that I did not immediatley cancel both vacation days because I figured at that point in time Master didn't have all the info He needed, which is why He had to call me back. Plus I knew I could cancel them at any time between right then, and the end of the work day which was about 3 hours away.

So Master calls me back about a half hour later to explain what the hell was going on.

Well apparently the judge who was going to hear our case tomorrow had a medical emergency. So they canceled our hearing. Hence the Mother. Fucker. title of this particular post.

Now while I understand that the judge had an emergency, and that sucks, but um... you mean there are no other judges who could have done it tomorrow? There really isn't a lot of information to review. Seriously.

So then Master goes on to explain that originally they were going to postpone the hearing until the end of fucking November. At which point, Master very politely (which surprises me a little cause I know He was lit when He heard that bit of information), stated that we had already been waiting two months for the hearing that was supposed to happen tomorrow. He asked if there was any way possible that we could get that moved up.

So the clerk that He was talking to (who thankfully was very nice according to Master) took a look at her calender and said maybe November 9th. Okay, that's a bit better. She then puts Master on hold, comes back and says, "Oh sorry. Nevermind, the 9th is all booked up."

They talk a little more and again Master is put on hold. When she comes back she tells Master that she has an opening for November 2nd. So He says that would be fine. She says, "Okay, as long as your former employer says that date works for them as well." So she tells Master that she has to call them and then call Him back.

At that point is when Master called me with the 20 second conversation. He then sits there waiting on pins and needles until she calls back. Thankfully His former employer (the other party in this case) said that would be fine.

So the hearing has been moved to November 2nd. Now while this is only a one week postponement, it still sucks balls. And not in a good way.

We need this money. And while we both realize that the hearing does not guarantee that we will win our case, we do realize that it will lead us to the final decision that much sooner. And since the court can take up to two weeks to come to a decision, after the hearing, and let us know what that decision happens to be... Yeah. It's just prolonging this process and our stress/anxiety over the situation.

So in regards to my vacation days, I kept tomorrow off. Why? Well a few reasons.

1. It seemed a little late to be canceling it.

2. I could really use the extra day off to take care of some other things and help Master put job applications off. Not to mention as we were/are nearing the hearing date my shoulders are becoming more and more like rocks due to anxiety. Thank you very much fibromyalgia.

3. I had already told BC that I wouldn't need a ride to work tomorrow, and I don't have parking money and/or gas money to be driving down there.

Then I canceled having Wednesday off and switched it to next Monday, which is the new hearing date.

The clerk said that she would be mailing out the papers to us today or tomorrow so we had something physical on it with the new hearing date and time. So we should have them tomorrow or Wednesday.

Master is not in the best of moods. And I'm just stressing.

Getting Ready

We had been procrastinating on getting the paperwork ready for the unemployment hearing that is happening on Tuesday. Honestly, we didn't have a lot to get together but we just kept putting it off.

Well yesterday I had gone through the three drawer organizer next to our computer desk. It was organized when we first got it, like a year ago. *cough* But since then I hadn't been to good on keeping up with it. So I went through it yesterday. Oh. My. Gods. There was tons of paperwork in there that we simply did not need anymore. So I threw that shit out. I also organized our tax papers and paycheck stubs from past jobs. (I keep those for employment verification and tax purposes. I'm obsessed about shit like that since one of my former jobs would not confirm my past employment with them. Because they are complete assholes. So ha fuckers I have my paycheck stubs and my w-2! So take that!)

I found some paperwork that we needed for the hearing and put that with the rest of the stuff yesterday as well.

So today I finally typed up the paper of key points that hopefully Master will get a chance to bring up. I've never filed for unemployment myself, and this is the first time Master has done it where He needed to go to an appeal. I also found a copy of the reason we stated we wanted an appeal for this and we are going to bring that along as well.

I keep saying we. This is Master's unemployment hearing, and I'm basically there for moral support. And hopefully to confirm certain things via conversations I was a part of, that is if the judge doesn't declare it hearsay. But as with all things, we do it together.

So once that was all done, I felt a bit better. Master doesn't seem nervous about this at all. Mean while I am nervous. Why? No idea. Probably because I know even once the hearing is over we have to wait for a decision to be reached and sent to us. *sigh* We could really use this money. So any thoughts and/or good luck would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

Okay so off of the mundane and onto the kinky!

Last night Master and I had incredible sex at 4am after which we promptly passed the hell out. Master had a cold sore for the past week, and now that it's finally gone, His mouth has been making up for lost time. ;-)

And then today, after all my boring stuff was done Master came over to me, grabbed my hair and led me to the bedroom for another round of great sex!

I'm a happy kitten.

Today Went By Fast

Why is it that the weekend days always go by so quickly, but work days hardly ever do? It's not fair. *pouts*

Last night I was passed out on the floor. Master stayed up a bit before waking me up and ordering me to go to bed with Him, where we quickly curled up and fell asleep.

We slept until damn near 12:40pm. *gasp* That is like unheard of. I mean, normally I sleep in until about 11am or 12pm on the weekends, but damn near 1pm? Yeah. That's crazy. Apparently this past week took more out of me than I thought.

Today Master and I have chilled around the apartment. We had dinner, watched a fucked up movie and now Master is playing His video game. I've been dicking around with free games online and that's pretty much been that.

ST wanted to come over. He was in town for today. Well, he didn't have his car and was on the complete opposite side of town. He said he would toss us some gas if we would pick him up. Neither Master or myself really felt like doing that. ST wanted to come over and hang out. But then hinted that he also wanted to spend the night and then get a ride back to the opposite side of town in the morning so one of his relatives could take him back home (which is like a 2 hour drive).

The more I heard about this, the more I really disliked the idea. First off he was already whiny on the phone. Joy. On top of that he is like the worst house guest ever in the history of house guests.

He wants to bum cigs (he never, ever has any of his own), he wants to go out to dinner but never has money, he leaves wrappers, empty soda cans, and one time left a half bag of oreo cookies on the floor that we didn't know about. Hello dumb ass we have a dog! Chocolate + dog who eats everything he can = bad fucking idea. He doesn't clean up after himself and then when he uses the shower in the morning he's in there for two hours and uses all the towels.

Yeah. So did not want him spending the night.

So I put the brakes on that whole idea. I told him he wanted to come over that was fine, and we would pick him up, but he wasn't spending the night and he'd have to find a way back to where ever the hell he was going. So he got all Eeyore on me but eventually said "Maybe next time."

Whenever ST calls Master never wants to talk to him on the phone, because of his whole "woe is me" attitude. It's quite depressing. The joys of being the secretary some days. *laughs*

But I'm enjoying having the whole day with Master, and Master only. :-)

I Can't Wait For Saturday

Although there is really nothing going on on Saturday. It's just that I want this work week to be over with. It has sucked. Like a lot.

But I don't want to go into that really.

I want to talk about how wonderful life at home has been! *beams*

Yesterday I was very, very tired. By the time I got out of work I had already been awake for 12 hours. So needless to say I was barely functioning. I'm surprised I had the energy to chew when we were eating dinner.

I did scent all three times, like I am supposed to. And I did whatever Master told me to do without any hassle. Okay, I groaned a few times as I was moving, but that was because I was in pain, not because He told me to do something.

But for the most part Master just allowed me to relax and stretch out, which was greatly appreciated.

I managed to stay awake until our usual bedtime of 11pm. I was amazed. Master allowed me to sleep, and I soon drifted off.

When I got out of work today Master and I went home and ate dinner. We also watched Caligula, which is basically porn with a plot. Seriously. Think Story of O (the movie) and that's basically it, only more graphic in regards to the sex scenes.

While we were watching the movie Master snapped His fingers and pointed to the foot of His recliner. I moved over to Him and He had me kneel in front of Him, and hugged me to His lap while petting my hair for an extended period of time. I loved it. *sighs happily*

Then after the movie He again called me to Him and had me hold His cock in my mouth. My TMJ is still acting up, probably due to the weather changes around here, so when He had me stop He then had me stand up and turn around. He had me sit on His lap and lean back against Him, fucking me by using the recliner's rocking motions.

He allowed me to cum several times before ordering me to the bedroom and having me get my ass in the air. He fucked me hard and ordered me to cum again. My final orgasm triggered His own, which pumped into me as I squeezed His balls.

*purrs*

Now, we are relaxing and enjoying the rest of the evening. Things have been going wonderfully. I'm glad that we didn't wait until the 11th of November to discuss our dynamic again.

We Loved With A Love That Was More Than Love

I love that qoute. It reminds me so much of Master and myself. We love one another on many levels. So I decided to search to see exactly which Edgar Allan Poe poem that quote came from.

It is from "Annabel Lee", which was the last complete poem ever written by Edgar Allan Poe. It is morbid, but hey.. this is Poe we are talking about. I thought I would share that poem here:

Annabel Lee

by Edgar Allan Poe

1849

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea:
But we loved with a love that was more than love -
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her high-born kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me -
Yes! that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud one night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we -
Of many far wiser than we -
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling -my darling -my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea -
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

Slap Happy

Last night after I did my blog post, Master had me take my bath and I put on a nightie.

When I came out of the bathroom, He was sitting in the computer chair and I stood next to Him. He turned the chair so that He was facing me fully. He grabbed my collar and had me kneel. He then forced my mouth so that it was right in front of His cock and told me to hold His dick in my mouth. So I took Him into my mouth and stayed that way.

He didn't want me to suck. He didn't want me to move my tongue. He just wanted me to kneel like that and keep His cock exactly where it was.

Occasionally I had to open my mouth a bit so I could swallow my saliva, and also so I could move my jaw. (Damn TMJ.) As I stayed this way, He ran His hands through my hair from time to time, telling me I was His good girl. And then He would go back to playing on the computer.

Eventually He told me I could stop.

I was so happy. It had been so long since He had me do something like that. Something outside of the daily routine. I loved it!

By the time we got to bed it was about midnight. I had to get up at 5:15am, so He decided it would be best for me to get some sleep.

So this morning I got up at 5:15am, and got ready for work. BC showed up a little after 6am. It was still pitch black outside. I got to work at 6:30am and started working.

You know it's bad when you have Mountain Dew and coffee in your system, and you still don't wake up fully until about 1pm. :-(

I got out of work a little before 5pm. Master and I picked up a few things and then went home. We had brats for dinner and then relaxed. Master is letting me relax on the computer right now.

I'm tired as hell, and very sore. I think I'm going to go soak in the tub for a while.

He Says, I Do

Tonight Master and I had our conversation a bit early.

Remember that post I did about how we were going to try the whole "relaxed" approach to this? Well our revisited conversation wasn't supposed to happen until November 11th. Yeah. We had it tonight instead.

I thought it was going to be this wonderful, more spontaneous thing. It wasn't. It was basically just me doing what I wanted and that was that. And it wasn't what Master wanted either.

So we talked. And at first Master said perhaps we should drop the entire dynamic. I didn't say anything at first. But then my chest tightened, and I felt sick to my stomach and I was on the verge of tears. I didn't want to be just Husband and wife.

So we are going back to the whole He says, I do thing. But the begging isn't going to be so regulated. That was really what helped bring me down. "Every two hours, except when we're doing x, y, and z." And it just got to be to much to try and keep track of. Or the opportunity would arise and I would just do it to get out of being punished. So now I beg when He tells me to. Or when the mood strikes me.

Scenting? At least three times a day.

And also I told Master that the whole lack of interaction wasn't from Him not having to keep on top of me when I was being good. It was the fact that the "perks" were gone. He wasn't giving me random orders just for the sake of giving orders, unless it was very mundane things. You know like, "Take the dog out." or "Go to the store and pick this up."

He used to give me orders to just kneel at His side because He wanted me there. Those had stopped. And other miscellaneous things of that nature. Also He used to reward me with whole body massages or the pleasure of taking a shower with Him. That too had stopped.

And since we seem to feed off of one another, I'd think I wasn't getting enough of said "perks" and start to slip which would make Him less inclined to dish out said perks. And vice versa. I'd start to slip and then He would start to get annoyed and let me run to the end of my leash until I was disappointed in myself.

We weren't bringing stuff up. We'd just let it ride until we were so pissed about the situation that we'd wanna play the blame game and be at each others throats until we calmed down enough to try and rectify the situation.

And believe it or not, even with my submitting to Him I can have quite a stubborn nasty streak in me. (Go figure.) And Master? Oh...... very stubborn man when He wants to be.

As far as chores go, I'm to do them when He tells me and not give Him shit about it. That's simple enough.

No more crawling from room to room though. My joints aren't letting me do that comfortably anymore. Damn you joints.

So we are attempting to rewind to a happier, more peaceful time in our ongoing path. One we have managed to get to time and time again, but somehow lose sight of. Let's hope this time we are able to maintain it.

Also, I told Master I think that mental block is gone. I can be more verbal now, because I have been since we had the talk and I really enjoy it. Plus I have seen how much He enjoys it. And if something is bothering me, I don't want to keep it bottled up because it "isn't my place". Fuck that. We both want to be happy, and Master welcomes input. So I'm gonna open my mouth more often. (To tell Him if something is wrong or I feel distance between us, you pervs.)

I Hate Mondays

Seriously. Hate. Mondays.

I got to work and my coworker, the one who had just gotten a formal written warning was over 15 minutes late for work. *shakes head* If I got a formal written warning I'd probably be showing up to work at least 15 minutes early each day come hell or high water. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt and asked if she had car trouble or something. But no. She had just wanted breakfast from McDonald's, and the drive-thru had taken longer than 5 minutes. Gah!

*inhale*

*exhale*

Okay. I'm better now. On top of that we are behind, again. But I'm helping us catch up by cutting my lunch short, clocking in early, all that happy horse shit. My trainer stopped by our desks today and warned us (or more properly my coworker) that if the work wasn't kept on top of our supervisor may take away our half day option. (Where we get out of work at noon every other Friday.) That would suck.

If my coworker continues to pull her bullshit of talking on the phone most of the time, I think I'm going to go have a little chat with my supervisor. See, the only thing is that I'm afraid of rocking the boat. I'm coming up on 7 months at my job. It'll be 7 months on Friday. So I just do my job and keep my mouth shut.

But I can't keep doing that if she is going to fuck around and make me look bad at the same time. So for now I bide my time, hoping that my coworker will straighten her act out.

Another reason why I am hesitant is because when I was first hired on my supervisor told me that if I have a problem with a coworker her wants me to try and handle it myself first, before dragging him into it. His theory being that we are all adults and should act like it. And I fully agree with that.

But we shall see.

Master picked me up from work and we went home, ate dinner, and have been watching Xena most of the night.

We had wonderful, hot and rough sex last night. Although I didn't get much sleep because I was so used to staying up over the weekend, going to bed at 11pm was difficult.

For instance it's almost 10pm now and I'm not tired at all. Blah.

In fact I should go take my bath.

A more length post tomorrow, hopefully.

Warning: Rant

Okay this rant is totally selfish. This is your warning so you can stop reading now if you don't want to hear a rant/whine. Okay?

*waits*

*keeps waiting*

You're still here?

Okay, apparently you want to read this then.

I was reading some things on a social network site where some of our friends also just so happen to be signed onto. Well HG, which is BC's girlfriend, just bought a brand new $720 laptop. That bitch.

Okay, no seriously HG is a nice person. I have absolutely no problems with her.

But there are currently two friends in our lives that are a) unemployed, b) live with a family member, and c) are in their mid to late 30's.

HG is one of these friends. She has been unemployed for about a year. Which I totally understand because the job market fucking blows and I am not knocking her for it. She lives with her aunt. Her only bill is her cell phone. Her aunt pays for everything else. Which I'm assuming is how she has money to buy a brand new laptop. Either that or it was a credit card. Yes I'm jealous. Master and I could use a brand new computer. And we can't afford it, and we have no credit cards. Plus even if we did, we don't need another monthly bill.

Then there is Master's god sister VH. She is unemployed. However I do hold that against her because she was fired for calling in to much due to being hungover and coming into work hungover. So yeah. Completely her fault. She lives with her mother. She has no monthly bills because her mom is paying for everything. She rags on us constantly because we don't want to come out or don't have the money to come out. Or we do have to money to go out to a bar, but decide to use that money for something else.

We didn't go to the bar this weekend, or last weekend. Last weekend we didn't have the money and this weekend we decided to use that little bit of money for something else.

How the fuck she always has money to go out I have no idea. I know that she donates blood but you can only do that once a week.

I have been very tempted at times when VH she starts calling us "pussies" for not wanting to stay at the bar, or saying that we suck when we tell her we can't afford to go to the bar, a very long drawn out explanation that she wouldn't find very nice or polite of me.

It goes something like this.

"Well maybe if I could live with my mother and have her support me because I wanted to get wasted all the time I could afford to go to the bar every night. Or maybe if I didn't have to get up at 6:45am and be coherent so I could go to work I could go out on a Sunday night and stay out until bar close.

However instead I am stuck acting like a responsible adult and going to work every day, on time. And then paying my rent which is over $700 a month. Not to mention finding a way to pay an electric bill, and a phone and internet bill, on top of keeping my Husband and myself fed as well as the four animals we are responsible for."

Oh. So. Tempting.

I am not complaining that Master is unemployed. We had a very long talk about it before He quite and we both agreed that His health and general safety was worth the financial stress. Things are tight. Some weeks it is tighter than others. But we have a roof over our head and we have food in our stomachs.

He will find another job. He is also being responsible. He isn't going out and getting trashed. He isn't wallowing in a bout of self pity. He's going out there, He's putting out job applications, and He is fighting His former employer for unemployment benefits. He's busting ass doing all that as well as helping out around the apartment. He tries to help me not be so stressed out.

It's just that it baffles me sometimes when people who aren't working can go out and buy expensive shit or go out all the time and I can't and I'm going to work five days a week.

*sigh*

Like I said, sometimes I get jealous, which is only natural. I mean I am not a high maintenance wife. At least I don't think I am. But there are certain things I want. A new computer because ours is six years old, which in computer terms makes it an antique. New shoes for work. A new winter jacket because the zipper on mine is a little fucked up. You know. Simple shit.

Now yes, I know that Master just got a new video game. But seriously? He used some of His old games to get some money knocked off of it. Plus it's something He's been looking forward to for quite some time. Plus I play it as well. So it's for both of us.

Plus the type of winter jacket I want is slightly expensive. What I really want is a women's trench coat. I would really like a leather one, but even a cloth one would be nice (as long as it was black). But with how short I am (5ft1) it will be difficult to find one that won't look like I'm dressing up in mommy's clothes, ya know?

Okay pity party over with.

Sunday Sex

Today again I slept until about noon. It's going to be difficult getting up at 6:45am tomorrow.

Master and I relaxed in the living room after His shower, and after I had helped Him put lotion on His tattoos.

While He was sitting in the computer chair He turned towards me (I was sitting at His feet) and asked me what I wanted to do. So instead of answering verbally, I leaned forward and took His cock into my mouth.

He sat there, watching me as I sucked His cock for a little while. When I finally pulled away I looked up at Him, took His hands into mine and asked, "Do You want to play with Kitten?"

"Sure," was His reply.

So we scampered off into the bedroom, kicking the dog out of the room. It has been a while since we had sex in the middle of the day. Normally it waits until we go to bed. Sex right before bed is wonderful and all, but I like it at random times throughout the day as well.

He fucked me very roughly and I loved it! After He came I cleaned Him off and then we went back into the living room.

One of these weekends I would love to just lay in bed and have sex, then take a nap, then have sex again. I miss those days. I miss the days where we only left the bed to get something to eat or use the bathroom.

I also miss taking showers together.

Earlier today Master was checking His e-mail, and you know those little spam e-mails that try to sell you Viagra, even if you aren't a man? Yeah, well He got one of those. I laughed and said, "You so do not need that."

He smirked and said, "No I don't, but it may still be fun."

Apparently He is trying to kill me. If He were to use Viagra I think He'd fuck me to death. That doesn't sound like a bad way to go, but man would Master have some explaining to do to the coroner.

Tomorrow is Monday which means going back to the daily grind. Boo!

I have to remember to schedule the 27th off however. That is the date of Master's unemployment hearing and I want to be there. I was privy to some conversations, but I don't know if the judge will allow it since it might be considered to be hearsay. *shrugs* If nothing else I'll be there for moral support.

I've Got Nothing

I have no idea what to write about. I mean I could ramble on about what we did today.

There's a jump off point at least.

I slept until noon, which was awesome.

Master and I spent the morning and most of the afternoon just sitting in the living room doing our thing. Then someone called us about a craigslist ad we had up. He came over about an hour later and actually bought the items! *shock*

So to celebrate Master took me out to dinner.

No, it was not to celebrate Sweetest Day. *gag*

It was to celebrate selling the item and having a little extra money that we weren't counting on.

By the way, I don't understand the point of Sweetest Day. We already have Valentine's Day (which we also do not celebrate) and then you have the birthday of your significant other as well as your anniversary with said significant other.

So basically it's another day to go out and buy already dying flowers, and spend way to much money on candy. Dude. You can totally buy a king size candy bar for under $2. That way you get chocolate and you save money. And also, you won't have an entire huge box of chocolate that you will eat most likely in one day and then feel guilty about it later.

Speaking of somewhat useless and expensive holiday related items. What the fuck is the point of a greeting card? And why the hell are they so damn expensive? (Unless you go to the dollar store, like I do when I feel like I have to buy one.)

You spend money on a card, which you write on, and then give to someone. They may keep it for a little while, but then they throw it away.

This, my friends, is why I normally use internet greeting cards. *nods* I send my thoughts via animated greeting cards that you send via e-mail. Because I'm a nerd. Also it saves trees by not using paper and also saves on postage.

The only greeting cards I have ever kept in my life are the ones people gave us for our wedding nearly three years ago. They are in the living room end table's drawer. (We didn't have a guestbook because we only had like 20 people there and I didn't see the point in spending money on one. So instead I kept the cards.)

Side note: I have had way to much Mountain Dew and coffee today, in case you couldn't tell.

Well Master just hinted that I should go take my bath, so off I go with my somewhat hyper and yet oddly just kind of here self.

Death By Orgasm

Okay, we all know I'm a bit morbid. Okay... more than a bit. (And if you didn't know that, you do now.) In fact I am somewhat obsessed with morbid things. It's just how I am.

So when I saw an ad for this over at Pink Poppet's blog I had to bookmark it and now just have to decide, purple or black.

What am I talking about? Oh.. the Death by Orgasm vibrator. *nods*

I mean come on! The name alone screams that I have to own this. Not to mention the fact that it comes in a case shaped like a coffin!

I want it.

It's to bad I can't afford it right now or I would buy it like right now. Hopefully it's not a "seasonal" thing. I hope, I hope, I hope that it's still available when I do have some free cash. *fingers crossed*

That is.. unless someone wants to buy me a gift? *bats eyelashes*

*laughs*

TGIF

It's Friday! And it's payday! And it's my half day at work! Whoo-hoo!

BC picked me up and took me to work. Work was extremely busy, so the four hours that I was there flew by in the blink of an eye. Master picked me up and we went home.

I immediatley got on the phone and called unemployment. Master had filed His appeal with them on September 1st and we hadn't heard anything yet. Well, needless to say I was getting a bit impatient. Yes, I realize that the unemployment rate is very high and that they are probably very backed up. But it has been over a month, I would at least like an update of some kind, ya know?

Well it's a good thing I did call. It turns out that Master has a hearing scheduled for October 27th. The representative that I was talking to said that we probably hadn't received the paperwork in the mail yet, that's all. So I thanked him and then paid some other bills.

Master and I headed back out the door shortly there after. He used some of His older video games to trade in and get Brutal Legend, which I'm actually going to give a try. The soundtrack kicks tail!

Once we got back home Master started playing His game and I then called the cell phone company and canceled His cell phone. It's really nice to have, but we just can't afford the luxury right now. I asked Master if He would rather cancel the house phone, but He said no because the cell phones don't get very good reception inside the apartment, so it made more sense to keep the house phone and drop the cell. So that's exactly what we did.

I then called a dog food manufacturer because I had a problem with one of their products. To "apologize" for my inconvenience, they are sending me a coupon for a free 20lbs bag of dog food. Rock on.

So tonight Master and I have pretty much just been chilling. He's been playing His video game, and I've been playing on the computer. We each had a Mike's Hard Lemonade that we had left in the fridge.

It's been a good day. I'm hoping that the rest of the weekend is just as enjoyable.

Interesting Day

Today was somewhat interesting. Work was pretty much the same as it ever is. Data entry and running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

That is, it was normal until the end of the day.

You see about an hour before we were going to clock out for the day my coworker said that she would do something for me so that I could get caught up on something else. Well about 10 minutes before she was supposed to do the errand, she left her desk and said she would be right back.

Well I waited about 20 minutes and she didn't come back. So I did the errand myself. When she got back to her desk, I asked her if everything was okay. I thought maybe, since she said she hadn't been feeling well earlier that day that she had gotten sick or something.

It turns out that she had been called into the HR office, where she met with the head of HR and our supervisor. She had to sign and was given a copy of a formal written warning. She has been slacking off and since we do data entry you have to be extremely accurate. Well let's just say our supervisor was able to fill a nice sized folder with copies of her errors over the past 60 days. Not good.

She was pissed off, saying how our supervisor is after her. Um no, you're not doing your job correctly. But whatever. After she was sure our supervisor had left she then went back down to the HR office and requested a department transfer, in the hopes of staying employed with the company.

I found that part interesting since for the past week she has been talking about quitting. Odd.

Her transfer request was denied. The head of HR wants to wait 30 days and see how she does in improving at her current position and then go from there.

So it seems that I might be on my own soon. That is unless she straightens up and starts concentrating on her job. *shrugs* Or if they start hunting for someone to replace her quickly. Who knows.

On the one hand I get along with this coworker, as in her and I can talk and what not. But as far as actual work goes? She drives me crazy because she is forever dicking around on the internet, on her phone, and getting up and talking to whoever, then crunching all of her work in a short period of time. Which is probably why her work isn't very accurate, she's going to fast. And her work directly effects me, which is why it drives me nuts.

And she took tomorrow off of work. So I have a few extra things to cram into my half day tomorrow. Thankfully I get out at noon though.

But once I get home I have a bunch of phone calls to make and finances to try and figure out. Busy, busy, busy.

Today Was A Day You Wanted To Stay In Bed

When I woke up this morning all I wanted to do was make the alarm clock shut up, flip the blanket over my head, snuggle into Master's back and go back to sleep.

All this and I didn't even know it was cold and dark outside.

But no. I had to go to work. I got up, envied Master the warm bed He got to stay in, and then started getting ready for work.

BC picked me up and once we were half way to my job I realized that I had left my cell phone at home. *sigh* So I called Master shortly after I started work and told Him so He wouldn't try to call it and end up worrying about me.

Work was slow as hell. Instead of it being busy in the morning it was dreadfully slow. Then about an hour and a half before it was time to clock out it became very, very busy. Figures, doesn't it?

After work I walked to BC's job. It's about 13 blocks. It was cold, and I have no idea where my gloves are. Why don't I know where my gloves are? Because it's October. That's why. If I can't find them I'll have to buy a new cheap pair. I always seem to lose my gloves over the course of spring and summer, and then end up buying another pair once it starts getting cold again. This is the plot of the glove making companies. Those bastards.

Once I got home Master already had dinner cooking and showed me that He has a cold sore. :-( No kissing.

After dinner I took my bath, put on some lingerie, and am now just trying to relax. Master has a headache, due to pressure changes. And I just took some tylenol to try and make sure that the small one I have doesn't get any worse.

Just have to get through tomorrow and until noon on Friday. Then it's the weekend and I can get some other things done. That's the only bad thing about working a first shift job. When I go into work it's to early to call the places I need to call, and by the time I get home, it's to late. At least when I worked 2nd shift I could get up a little early and make my phone calls before work.

Not that I miss 2nd shift. I don't. At all. I hope to never go back to a 2nd shift job. I hated getting home at 10pm. Sleeping in past 6:30am was nice, but still. I much prefer 1st shift.

Pain Can Go Away Now

Seriously. My shoulders hurt. My right ankle hurts. My lower back is stiff. Ah the joys of the weather not being able to make up it's mind.

My mother called me at work today, shortly after I clocked in. She has a pinched nerve in her neck on top of a sinus infection. So she hasn't been feeling well at all. Well when she called me she was scared. She had been sitting down and had leaned down to pick up something and all of a sudden her heart started to race and she felt dizzy. I assured her that it wasn't her heart, because if it was a heart attack then it wouldn't go away.

But I told her that maybe since her current doctor, who is close to retirement and it shows because he's not taking very good care of her, isn't giving her any answers that she should go to the walk in clinic.

She promised me that she would, and that she would call once she was out. That was at 8am.

So on my lunch break, which is around 12:30pm, I called her. She hadn't called me yet and I was worried. She was still at the clinic, hooked up to an IV. Apparently she was very dehydrated from her antibiotics she was on for the sinus infection. And it turns out that all of her other side effects, heart racing and dizziness is due to the pinched nerve in her neck on top of the antibiotic reacting badly to her other medications. (She is on hormones since she is in early menopause as well as something for her anxiety attacks, among other things.)

So I'm not to happy with her current doctor for not telling her these things to begin with. Thankfully she is on a wait list to become a new patient at a doctor that we both have a lot of respect for.

Work was busy again in the morning and very slow in the afternoon. It seems it is going to stay that way for a while.

Due to the fact that we are low on gas in our car, B is letting me carpool with him on the way to work as well as on the way home. I walk from my job to his and then he drives me home, drops me off, and heads to his home. Thankfully it's right along his way home.

Good thing Friday is payday.

Monday Blues

First, let me start off by saying that last night Master and I had absolutely incredible sex. Oh. My. Gods.

But since it is Monday, and that means the start of a new work week. It started off crazy, and yet again they had to close down the programs I use for an hour. Gods I'm hoping either they figure out a permanent fix instead of these little patches, or they get us some new programs to use. This is getting ridiculous.

Due to this the work day started off very hectic. But by mid day I was bored out of my mind. *sigh* Lately there has been no happy medium at work.

Master picked me up from work and we went home and had dinner. He told me all about His lunch with His father, which seems to have gone extremely well. I am so happy for Him. I am hoping that they can rebuild a happy father/son relationship. Hopefully someday soon I will be able to meet my father-in-law.

Perhaps on one of my half days or on a weekend.

It seems that His father is really into their family history and has a list of their enormous family tree. It's quite impressive. (About 14 pages long, so far.) And Master's father has added my name to the list. :-)

The evening has been very nice. Master and I have been joking around and been quite affectionate with one another.

Although for some odd reason I feel very worn out tonight, even though my day really wasn't that bad, except for the morning. *shrugs* Who knows why.

So while the work day kind of sucked, and I'm not feeling all that energetic, I am a very happy girl. My Master is in a good mood, I'm in a good mood, and we're just very relaxed and content at the moment.

Ultra Lazy and Somewhat Nerdish Sunday

We didn't go to bed last night until about 3am. Master and I were playing with one another and suddenly I grabbed at His shoulders and kind of yanked Him half on top of me. He chuckled and asked what I wanted.

I smirked and told Him that I wanted Him on top of me, now. He laughed and got on top of me, as He pushed His cock into me He said, "Now was that so difficult?"

The sex was incredible.

After we were finished we curled up and fell asleep rather quickly.

We got up around noon. Master and I got ready for the day and drove down to a local store to buy rabbit food and dog food. When we got back home we spent most of the rest of the day watching Hercules and Xena episodes on Netflix.

We had pizza for dinner and exchanged back rubs. After my bath I put on a nice outfit, and Master seemed pleased by this.

Tomorrow starts another work week. I wish that the weekends wouldn't go by so quickly. But it's only a little after 8:30pm, so we still have a while before I have to get some sleep, which is nice.

Tomorrow Master is going to have lunch with His father. He hasn't seen His father in quite a few years. And before that time, they hadn't been talking. I was invited as well, and honestly I would have scheduled the day off if I had more notice. I have never met His father. But in order to schedule a vacation day I have to give my supervisor at least one day notice. And I can't afford to call in sick, because then it's not paid. But I told Master that perhaps in a few weeks we can plan something for the weekend or on my half day so I can meet him.

Great Read Award

I was given this award by Spirited. Thank you so much! I'm glad that you enjoy reading my blog.

I don't think there is a set number of blogs that I "have" to nominate. But here goes.

Here is a list of blogs that I greatly enjoy reading:

1. A Subtle Slavegirl - She says what's on her mind, no matter the subject matter. I love that about her blog.


2. She Obeys - I love reading her blog. She has a great sense of humor and is very open and honest.


3. Turn The Paige - This is a blog that I have only recently had the pleasure of stumbling upon. Again, a great sense of humor and she shares quite a bit about herself and her life. I find it very interesting to follow her and her story.


4. At Longing's End - A newlywed couple where the husband and the wife are both authors on said blog.


5. A View From The Floor - She reviews toys, as well as shares details about herself and her life. I love her blog.


6. Under His Hand - I've been reading her for a while now, and I always find her posts interesting and usually thought provoking.


7. Kitten Pup - Very open and honest blog.


8. Pink Poppet - I just can't help but enjoy her posts.


9. Vanilla Impaired - A great sense of humor and a different view from any other blog I have read.

Sorting It All Out

Before I get into the meat of this post, first I'll talk about yesterday.

I went to work, and while I was there Master talked to SS and she had been saying how long of a week she had and how she just wanted to relax. So she asked Him to call her when I got out of work and maybe we could figure something out.

Well, Master picked me up from work and on the ride home He had me call SS. I told her that we are pretty much broke at the moment and so couldn't afford to go out. She said that was fine, she didn't really feel like going out anyway. She then asked if we would mind if she just came over. Of course not! Actually this is the first time she would ever be at our apartment because she is rather new to our circle of friends. (Well not new. Master knew her in high school, but they hadn't talked in about 14 years.) So we went home, ate dinner, and then we tidied up the apartment a bit. She called once she got close so we could give her more specific directions. She brought over a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade, which was very nice of her. So we sat around, had a couple of drinks and just talked. And it was wonderful.

We all had a great time. She got to vent, and Master and I were able to have a conversation with a friend of ours that didn't revolve around video games or work. In fact she is an extremely easy person to talk to. I really enjoyed her company.

She left around midnight and Master and I stayed up a bit longer before going to bed, at which time I was exhausted. I had been up since about 6:30am and now it was almost 3am. Yeah. Tired Kitten.

Today Master and I did grocery shopping and that was about it. We watched a couple of movies and then, since He had given me until Sunday to say what I wanted to do, I sat on my  slave mat and we started talking. It turned into a very long discussion.

I said maybe if we just backed off on the strictness of the routines I wouldn't feel like I was so crunched for time and end up feeling resentful because of it. And He wouldn't feel like He was having to remind/correct me so often because I wouldn't slip due to the lack of resentful feelings. Ya know that sort of thing. Well we went round and round with how tearing it down to what it used to be didn't make sense, but ending up back in a rut didn't make sense either.

And see, that's my biggest gripe. When I am behaving myself for an extended period of time I end up feeling like I'm maintaining myself and there is a lack of interaction as well as a lack of spontaneity. I feel like when I'm behaving myself we just end up in another form of a rut. Do this at this time, do that at that time, repeat. Ya know?

And He said His biggest gripe was the fact that He would tell me to be more verbal in what I want or take more initiative physically, and I wouldn't because I had this whole mental block about that being topping from the bottom or getting out of my place because it's not about what I want, it's about what He wants. Never mind the fact that me being more verbal and more "aggressive" physical is what He wants.

It's all sorts of fucked up, in that sense.

So finally, at the end of our conversation He suggested that perhaps to keep us from getting into a rut, making it more spontaneous and to basically help me get rid of said mental block... we're going to relax things around here.

I can beg and scent when I want to, basically when the mood strikes. No set time periods (it was once every two hours). If I want things done a certain way sexually I can say it or initiate it on my own without just hoping that He'll take my subtle hints.

Bye bye mental block. Goodbye set routine, which leads to lack of spontaneity.

He's still in charge. It's just no routine. There are still rules, but not a routine. I still ask to use the bathroom or a number of other things. He still gives orders. It's just more of a relaxed atmosphere.

And some may say, "Oh no! You can't do that. There has to be protocol! There has to be a routine!"

Well I'm sorry but after 6 1/2 years of routine.... yeah. It gets to the point where it feels like you're going through the motions.

We have decided to give this whole relaxed atmosphere a try for one month. So on November 11th we will sit down and talk about it to see how it's working for both of us.

I'm His property. I do what He tells me to do.

It's just that there is no rigid (sometimes suffocating) structure of routines and time schedules.

And quite honestly that is always what would get me in trouble (besides my tone of voice) not following the routine(s). I would beg as often as I should. I wouldn't scent as often as I should. Etc and so on, because it would become such a routine that it was like "Gah! Again already?" And then because He knows that's what I was supposed to be doing, and He knew that I know that's what I was supposed to be doing.. it would piss Him off because I wasn't following that.

And I would get pissed off because I wasn't feeling like there was anything spontaneous happening in our relationship anymore.

This is the longest relationship either of us have had. And I'm not sure if that plays into it or not. But maybe this will be exactly what we need. If not, we will reassess.

That's the wonderful thing about our relationship. We're always willing to try new things to see what works best for us. And sometimes, after a while.. that's what you need to do. Try something new. Plus people grow and relationships grow. You just have to be willing to grow with them.

Really, Really Weird

Okay... I know that in previous posts I have said how much Master and I can not stand LN's wife, MN.

And I know I posted about how her and I had this long talk about how I feel when she "flirts" with Master. Well since that time, we have not seen her face to face. However, we have talked to her on the phone. And the interaction between both Master and her, as well as her and myself are vastly different. There isn't that tension there anymore. And she doesn't make comments to Master that I used to find walking a fine line between friendly joking and flirting. So her and I have actually been getting along rather well.

Well tonight she called and she talked to Master for a little while, then she asked to talk to me. So I talked to her for about a half hour. I asked her what was up with LN's hissy fit. She said that she honestly doesn't know but that he has been acting really weird lately.

She vented to me and apologized for it. I told her not to worry about it. She then asked me, out of no where if her and I were "cool". As in, do I hold anything against her. I thought about it for a moment and realized that as much as I have disliked this woman for the past four years, that no... I don't hold anything against her. So I told her that her and I had our talk, and that we had moved past that and that I was actually really enjoying the fact that her and I are getting along so well.

This is all very new to me, since I normally don't get along with women very well. And I felt for her, with some of the things she was complaining about regarding her husband, LN. I've been down those roads before with my ex. Hence why he is my ex. It all sounded so damn familiar. The only difference being that her and LN have been together for a lot longer then my ex and I were.

She actually admitted to me that she had thought about divorcing him but that she just couldn't do it because she does love him. So I listened and after she and I got off the phone Master and I had a very long talk.

I told Him that it felt very strange to be getting along with MN so well now. He completely agreed. She had told us some things that had happened long before LN and Master got into this recent "fight". And we remember hearing them from LN's point of view and how he had made himself out to be the victim. But when MN told me about them tonight, it shed a whole new light on the subject. And yes, I know that every story has two sides to it. But back then MN and I were not getting along so I was looking for any reason to not like her. Ya know? Petty shit, yes. I realize that now. And I apologized to MN for not bringing up my problems with her before hand. She said she understood. So her and I are totally fine now. She still wants to be our friend even if her husband does not. That says a lot about it though. I mean LN and Master had been friends for many years. And here is MN going, "Dude get over yourself, they are our friends." Meanwhile he is willing to totally write us off over joking around.

It's weird. And it also made me realize that the stresses in Master's and my relationship are so small comparatively speaking. It makes me feel like a fool for letting it grow out of proportion. Sometimes you just need that outside, unintentional, smack upside the back of your head to make you realize it.

This Week Blows Goats

Master and I went to bed around 10:30pm last night. We were both sore and abnormally tired for so early in the evening. So we curled up and went to sleep.

This morning when my alarm went off, I got ready for work and when BC called, I headed out the door. He wasn't very talkative, and understandably so. He had just returned from his grandmother's funeral. :-( I asked how he was doing and we talked about what was on talk radio. That was pretty much it.

Work this week has truly sucked. Let's see... on Monday the programs I use were down for an hour. Yesterday it was abnormally busy. And today? Well, today again the programs I use were down for about 45 minutes, which means I had a lot of catch up to play. And again, as it was yesterday, it was busy in the morning but very, very slow in the evening. I hate that.

But finally it was time to clock out and Master picked me up from work. We got home and Master had me stay nude until after I had taken my bath. We watched a movie and ate dinner. Now? Well Master is playing a video game and I'm watching Judge Judy on You Tube. It's a guilty pleasure of mine.

I don't have a lot of energy right now. I'm sore, and just waiting for this week to be over. Two more days until the weekend.

Master reminded me that I have until Sunday to tell Him how I want things to go. He said that I can present it to Him before then, but that He is giving me until Sunday. I have been thinking about it during my down times at work and what not. It's just that I'm not completely sure how to word things or exactly how a few things would work out. So more thinking to be done.

Head Meet Wall

Last night Master and I retired to the bedroom. He laid down on His side and allowed me to play with Him for quite some time before simply saying, "Mouth."

He stayed as He was and I scooted down the bed and took Him into my mouth. I only stopped when my TMJ started to act up. He then had me lay on my back and allowed me to guide Him into me. He was quite rough as He fucked me, putting me in difficult positions that I tried desperately to stay in. Eventually He had me lay on my stomach, with my legs closed and my ankles crossed as He finished with me.

I cleaned Him off, cleaned myself up (blood is so sticky) and then we curled up and fell asleep. I was pressed up against Him, my wrist locked inside His hand and I was a very content girl.

I felt that connection during sex spark back up. I'm hoping that Master felt it as well. He wasn't very vocal afterward. I'm taking that as a good sign, as in... He was worn out.

This morning when my alarm went off Master was already awake, sitting in His recliner fully dressed and reading a book. He had been up for about 45 minutes already. So I got myself ready for work and shortly there after we headed out the door. He drove me to work and all of the radio morning shows were covering that damn Packers vs Vikings game. Ugh. I really don't get into sports, so after a while I just want people to shut up about it.

When I got to work, it was no different. Everyone was talking about the game. *sigh*

Work was extremely busy until about 3pm, when all of a sudden it died. Up until that point I could barely find time to breath, I was so busy. And then for the last hour and a half of work I basically had nothing to do.

Master picked me up from work and when we got home I got undressed, put my clothes away, put on my service outfit, and Master cooked dinner. We watched a really fucked up B horror/comedy movie. Then Master had me go take my bath and change into different lingerie. I have my slave anklets on and I'm all of a sudden very tired. My shoulders and lower back are bothering me, but that's really not anything new.

If You Don't Like Somewhat Spiritual Posts.. Don't Read This

You have been warned.

Last night, when I did my last post (which quite honestly I don't completely remember doing) I never thought I would be able to go to sleep. But as soon as the post was done, and I sat there looking at the screen trying to think of what to do next, it was like I was bitch slapped with some sort of tranquilizer. I was suddenly exhausted.

Apparently, Mother Wolf wanted to talk and she wanted to talk now.

I made my way to the bedroom, crawled into my side of the bed, kissed Master's shoulder as He slept, and as soon as my head hit the pillow and I was nice and warm inside the blanket, I was out.

Some of you may know that I follow the Medicine Path. And I seek guidance from the spirits that are most closely related to me, or seem to be around me at that point in time. I was born under Wolf. I see her as female, hence why I call her Mother Wolf.

Well this time she seems to have decided I wasn't going to have the luxury of seeking her out. She was coming to me this time.

And so, without going into everything, because it is highly personal and I'm sure most of you would think I was nuts, or just wouldn't understand.. I'll put it this way:

I wasn't listening to my Alpha. I was not doing my part within the pack. I also was not communicating what I need from my Alpha. Cause ya know, He's not a mind reader. Although sometimes you would think He is.

I would use actions rather than words to try and get what I wanted. I would nuzzle or gently hug and expect more of a reaction than what I was getting. And then being disappointed, hurt, and annoyed, when He wasn't picking up on my subtle hints. Ya know, cause I'm a dumb ass.

As Master said in His comment, we always have stress of one kind or another. And I was doing just fine. Why this time, with this stress (which is honestly nothing new) is it acceptable for me not to be begging when I'm supposed to? Why is okay if I just don't feel like scenting or doing chores. Etc and so on.

Well after the nice long talk with Mother Wolf and thinking on it basically all day at work today, when Master picked me up and we got home I immediatley took out the dog (like I am supposed to when I get home). Then I did a few things that Master told me to do. Then I cleaned up my clothes off of the recliner, which is where I normally lazily toss them as soon as I get undressed. I put on my "service outfit" which is an outfit that Master really likes that He had said I am to wear unless He tells me to be naked or to wear something else when we're home.I also put on my slave anklets, which I wear at home.

After that we ate dinner and I have been affectionate with Master and He has been affectionate as well. I've begged. We've talked. And I can feel that connection coming back online.

I'm not saying everything is fixed. But I don't really want to think of it all in terms of fixed or broken. It's work, constant work. So either I'm trying or I'm not. So each day I have to try. If I don't try, then it'll be fairly obvious.

Same with Master. If He's not trying, it'll be obvious. The more effort we put forth, the better things are. The more we get in return. The less effort we put forth, well.. we'll end up back in that rut that we both hate.

So yes, I am feeling a hundred times better today. I'm taking it a day at a time. Stress or moods will affect things, on both ends. Either His or mine. But that's part of taking it a day at a time instead of lumping it all together in one big blur.

Oh yes. I know what my rules are, and have been for years now, it's just following them. And also not making them feel like a rut themselves. Like I don't want to feel like a robot of "Do this. Done. Do that. Done. Repeat."

And so I've been trying to enter my playfulness a little bit more into what my rules are. Like being affectionate, begging, things of that nature. Well, not all rules or chores are sexy. (No?! Really!?) But the ones that are, or can be, why not have a bit more fun with them? ;-)

Raw

After I did my previous blog post I sat down on my slave mat and Master was playing a video game. I decided to crawl over to where He was and lay my head on His lap. He paused His game, looked down at me, and asked me why I always chose to try and be affectionate with Him when He was doing something, but when He wasn't doing something I never did.

That question launched us into a talk, which turned into some what of a fight, which turned into Him being mentally exhausted, my crying and now not being able to sleep.

I can't possibly go into everything in this blog post. So for those of you who are going to try and tell me what I'm doing wrong, or what Master is doing wrong... I'm going to say this now...

This is a glimpse into what has happened, and what is happening. If you feel like getting on your high horse and saying how fucked up I am, His is, or we collectively are... fuck off.

Okay now that that's out of the way.

He told me how He feels I'm not trying anymore, in regards to being His slave. He told me that when I do, it feels forced. Same goes with affection.

I told Him that I don't feel as connected to Him as I usually do. I also told Him that my sex drive is pretty nonexistent, which He of course has already noticed. I said that I felt that this was due to stress about family, friends, and of course... money. It always comes down to that doesn't it? Things get tough, and all of a sudden it seems like everything goes to hell in a handbasket.

Like I said things have been much, much worse financially speaking. So what we're going through in regards to that is not nearly as bad as it has been, or as it could be.

As we talked we told each other where we felt the other was slipping. I felt like the only time I got affection was when I initiated it, or we were out with friends. He told me that the only time I was attempting to follow the rules was when I wanted to, and that when I did it felt forced.

I know I haven't been following my rules to the letter. I know this, and I am sorry. But sorry doesn't mean much sometimes.

I told Him that I think I am acting this way because of this that and the other thing. He told me that He was reacting in kind to my own actions. He said that He is tired of trying to fix it, and only have it work for a month, or two months, maybe three and then it going back to the rut we always seem to find ourselves in.

He said that He doesn't understand how we always end up here. Because I say this is what I want, I want to be His slave. But then I slip, and He's tired of constantly correcting me. He says what is the point, if I'm just going to continue to slip. I understand where He is coming from on that.

He went to bed and said I could go to bed when I wanted to. I told Him I wanted to go to bed with Him to try and reconnect. Affection. Sex. All of the above.

He, of course, was in no mood for such things. I took the dog out, took care of the rabbits, and laid down next to Him. He was laying away from me and I started kissing His shoulder. He said He really wasn't in the mood. I tried to crack His back and He told me again that He doesn't know how to fix this (this being the dynamic) anymore. He's tired of beating His head into a wall. And so He has decided that I have until Sunday to tell Him how I want this to work. I have until Sunday to tell Him how I think we should fix this. It's in my lap now. He said what is the point of Him trying to lead if I only follow when I want to. Also He figures that I should be able to follow my own rules that I set down. And if not, well... yeah. That'd be pretty fucked up on my part now wouldn't it?

After the second talk He told me to curl up and go to sleep. Normally when He says curl up that means curling up to Him in one fashion or another. So I laid on my side and scooted back towards Him, as He was now laying on His side facing my side of the bed. He didn't put His arm around me and He didn't pull me close.

I should have known better. When He is not in a good mood, He isn't in the mood to be affectionate. But my emotions and my desire to be touched ran my hopes higher than they should have been. I cried. I eventually rolled over and tried holding His hand. While He did not move His hand away, He did not return the attempt to hold.

My need to be touched was still strong, my emotions were high. I ended up running my hand through His hair and then trying to kiss Him. He opened His eyes and asked me what I wanted. I told Him that I wanted to be affectionate. He told me that I know better, that He isn't in the mood, and that Him telling me to go to sleep should have been a clear indication that such was the case.

He's right. It should have been. He told me that any other time He would love that I was being so affectionate, but just not right then. I apologized, and I went back to laying on my side.

I cried a little bit more, and then realized that if I continued lying there I wasn't going to be able to sleep. My mind is a whirlwind right now. My emotions are still running high and I'm feeling a bit raw at the moment. Hence the title of this post. I'm most likely not thinking clearly at all. So I'm just letting my fingers walk across the keyboard and what comes out, comes out.

I knew He wanted to sleep. I knew if I stayed in bed I was going to do nothing but toss and turn, keeping Him up.

So I got out of bed and now here I am.

This seems to be the cycle we are forever caught in. We don't say anything, waiting for things to correct themselves and then when it does come out it ends up like this. Him pissed off. Me hurt.

Like He said earlier this evening, it doesn't make sense. I love Him. He loves me. So why the hell are we acting this way? It's bullshit for bullshit's sake and He's tired of it.

"So Kitten, what are you going to do about it?," my mind asks me.

Good question.

Instinct tells me to shape up, or ship off. It's that fight or flight, do or die mind set that is there simply because I am raw at the moment. I know once logic kicks in I will realize that just because we are having problems does not mean it's the end of the world. And I do know this, in my heart. I love Him so much. And I know He truly loves me. This situation does not change that.

But it makes you wonder, why ...

Why do I keep slipping?

Why do we keep getting in this rut?

Why is it that stress seems to be the trigger for us to bring it up?

Why is it so hard to just do as I'm told?

Why is it so hard to do what is expected of me?

Why do I want structure but want spontaneity at the same fucking time?

The answers will come. They have to be here by this upcoming Sunday. What do I do in the mean time?

What I'm going to do in the mean time is what I feel I should do at the moment. What feels natural. I think that will help me realize what needs to be done.

Just Here

Today Master and I got up, and He took His shower while I talked to my mom for a little while. After that Master had me call BC.

BC said that he would come up to visit this afternoon. It's been quite some time since we have actually hung out, I mean of course besides him and I carpooling on the way to work. Tomorrow he is able to give me a ride to work, but Tuesday he can not. I completely understand of course. He has to travel up north a little ways to attend his grandmother's wake and funeral.

Before he got here Master and I went grocery shopping. Shortly there after BC arrived, and we all sat around and talked. He seems to be doing okay, although I don't think it's really hit him yet. I know for me, someone's passing is not totally real until the wake. I don't really know why that is, it's just how I am. It seems to ring true for a lot of people actually. For instance when my great grandparents died I didn't cry until the wake. Then it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

We of course told him that if he ever needs to talk or needs a place to get away from everything, he's always welcome. We had pizza for dinner and watched Master play some video games while we talked. Shortly after we were done eating BC had to get going so he could go spend some time with his girlfriend. She is going with him to the wake and funeral. I'm glad that she is being supportive, and able to go.

Other than that, I took my shower and now Master is browsing Netflix for a movie to watch.

There hasn't been a lot of kink going on. I'm on my period, I haven't been feeling well. Master's sinuses have been kicking His tail. So yeah. Sex and kink have not been plentiful.

I don't really have a lot on my mind right now. I'm actually trying to keep my kind pretty blank so I don't stress myself out.

Trying To Relax

It's the weekend and I'm trying to relax. I'm trying not to think about bills, or how to make more money. Although I will probably contact my trainer on Monday and ask her if she has anything, like a packet or something, that I could do so I can stay late some day(s) this week. Anything to get some extra money on the paycheck, ya know?

I got a little over three hours in this past week. But a little more won't kill me.

This morning when I woke up Master hopped in the shower and sent me off to grab soda and some other miscellaneous items. When I got back we have pretty much spent the day either on the computer, or watching movies on Netflix.

And for about the past hour we have been watching the first season of Hercules. I used to watch that show religiously when I was growing up. Between that and Xena. *giggles*

It's campy, but a lot of fun.

The reason why I'm trying not to focus on bills and money so much right now is because I am trying not to become restless and start to freak out. We're getting by. We're in a lot better position then we were around this time last year. That's what I keep repeating in my head whenever the worries start to pile up in my head. I try to focus on the positive.

I'm really hoping that foundry calls Master some time this week for an interview. Yes, we only have one car and I'm not sure if that job would be on a bus route, but I'm sure we'd figure it out. It's only a little over a month before my job moves from it's current location. It's not any further of a drive really, it's just west instead of north. But I will no longer be able to carpool with BC.

Speaking of BC, he is in our thoughts right now. His grandmother passed away yesterday. :-( He sent us an e-mail saying that he would call tomorrow. We are giving him some space. His family sort of saw it coming, but I know that doesn't make it any easier.

Master is restless. He's been bored most of the day. We are hoping to go on a walk tomorrow, as long as it doesn't rain. Bills and finances are also on His mind. We are both hoping that He finds a job soon.

We haven't heard anything back from unemployment yet. They are setting up a hearing date since we appealed their denial. We filed it a little more than a month ago. But they did receive the appeal, and when I spoke to someone on it they said it is taking four to eight weeks to set up the hearings for appeals. Understandable in this economy.

Honest Blogger

Lexa has tagged me to do this meme.

The rules are that I have to write 10 honest things about myself. Also, I am supposed to tag 7 bloggers. Well I'm skipping the tagging of 7 specific bloggers because well, I'm a little late in this game. So if anyone wants to do this, feel free!

Okay, so 10 honest things about myself. Here we go.

1. I sometimes wonder why I allow certain people to still be in my life. I struggle with wanting to try and help them, but also realizing that if they wanted help they would need to make the first move. And when that first move doesn't happen I want to cut them off. I think that the reason I am so quick to go from one extreme to the other, is because I'm almost afraid of them tainting me. As if their behavior is going to somehow rub off on me and make me like them. Or like their stress and drama are going to suck me into a black hole that I can't get out of.


2. I never ran away from home when I was growing up. Although to be perfectly honest, it was tempting sometimes. My parents were locked in a loveless marriage for most of my pre-teen and teenage years. They would fight, yell, or simple ignore each other. I don't know why I never tried to run away. My parents divorced when I was 16.


3. I have panic attacks. Thankfully they are not that extreme. The most that happens is that my heart races, my chest will hurt, and that whole "fight or flight" response becomes very strong. I can control it though. I've never totally freaked out from them. Normally all I have to do is sit down, and control my breathing for a little while.


4. I used to worry, in the beginning of our relationship, that once I was no longer "barely legal" that Master would leave me. I was 20 when we first met. I am now 26, and we are still very much in love and very happy together. They were the scared thoughts of a previously mentally abused young adult. I no longer worry about it.


5. I used to want to be a mortician. The science of it still fascinates me, but I know I will never pursue that career choice. I am happy being in an office doing data entry.


6. I worry endlessly about my Husband's health. This is not a surprise to anyone, I'm sure. Due to His blood disorder, and knowing that the flu can kill Him. Yeah, I freak out when He has a cold. But I don't freak out to the point where I become useless. I actually become highly overprotective. I become militant with doctors and nurses and don't leave His side unless it is absolutely necessary.


7. I sometimes wish I would have finished getting my web development associates degree. It wouldn't help me, in the least, with my current job. I really just wanted it to say I had it and so I could maybe design websites on the side as a sort of an home business.


8. I love older muscle cars. Love them. I wish I owned a 1987 Monte Carlo SS. My dad used to drag us to car shows when I was growing up. In fact we never actually had a family vacation. The only time we ever went anywhere was to either go to a car show, buy car parts, buy an older car my dad wanted, or to visit family. To be perfectly honest the only time I have ever traveled purely for pleasure, was our honeymoon. And that was only about an hour's drive. Every other time, it's been for car stuff, work related, or to visit family.


9. I really hope that at some point in the future Master and I can go on a nice long road trip. I want to be able to just take like a week or maybe longer and just go. The reason I would prefer a road trip is so we can stop when we want to, get out, look around, get back in the car, and keep going. I would absolutely love that.


10. You know that scar on the left side of my chest that I always talk about? The one that Master gave me with a knife? Yeah. That one. When it was first done, I would constantly take the scab off of it because I wanted to make sure it would be a deep scar. I didn't want it to be barely noticeable. I wanted it to be as visible as possible. I rub it sometimes, without even realizing I'm doing it until Master says something. It is the one thing that Master has given me (besides the tattoos He's designed) that is physical in nature that I can never lose and can never be stolen or taken away. I think that is why I love it so much.

Yay! It's The Weekend!

Yay!!!!

I got up and went to work this morning. The four hour work day went by rather quickly which was nice. Master picked me up from work and we went home.

I called the electric company. You see, we are on budget billing, which means that you pay a set amount each month. The plan is that eventually it evens out over the course of the year. At the end of the year you either have a credit, or you owe. If you owe, you pay it off and go back on budget billing. If you have a credit, it just keeps ticking along.

Well the year was up since we went on budget billing. And we had quite a large credit on there. So I called up and I asked if instead of me sending in a payment this month, could they please apply the credit towards the bill. I was pleasantly surprised when they said yes! Rock on.

Then I called SS and we made plans to meet her for dinner. I did my make-up, put on a skirt and matching top, some stockings, and heels. We went out to dinner and then went and had a drink or two with her. It was a lot of fun catching up. Master is going to take some pictures of her kids because she wants nice pictures of her children and Master wants to get an honest opinion on His photography. It's a win/win situation. It was supposed to happen tomorrow, but it's supposed to rain most of the weekend. So maybe next weekend. (They are going to be outdoor shots.)

We left the bar around 11:30pm. She had left her car at our apartment, and we drove her down. So we dropped her off at the sidewalk, said goodnight, and now Master and I are just relaxing the evening away.

Let's hope that Saturday and Sunday go by really.... really.... s..l..o..w..l..y.

Drunk Neighbors

I really, really hate our neighbors. We are surrounded by alcoholics.

The people who live directly across the walkway from us are always drunk. They are always fighting. The fat ass husband of the couple loves to ride his wanna be vespa up and down the walkway, through the parking lot, etc. I'm surprised the damn thing can support his weight.

*sigh* Right now they are outside, drunk, yelling and just plain acting stupidly. Calling the cops won't do any good. It's only 8pm. And they would probably just be told to go into their apartment. I'm hoping one day they get evicted.

Anyway, I got out of work at my normal time today. We are officially caught up at work. Thankfully.

And tomorrow I will get out at noon. I can't wait! Yay for half day programs.

My sinuses were kicking my tail today. So when we got home Master had me take a Benadryl. Now I'm fighting to stay awake. That stuff always makes me so damn sleepy, which is why I hardly ever take it first thing in the morning if I have to work. No amount of caffeine seems to get that drowsy feeling to go away.

So while yes, that pressure in my head is gone and I don't feel stuffed up anymore, I do feel like my brain is covered in fuzz. The joys of sinus medication.

Master and I are just relaxing this evening. I'm looking forward to a  peaceful weekend. Master and I don't have a lot going on. We may be meeting up with a friend tomorrow night.

Oh yeah. We watched Crank 2 tonight. I loved the first movie. That movie fucking rocked! But the sequel? Yeah. Apparently the writer, director, and anyone who put money into that movie decided it was a good idea to mix NyQuil, LSD, and marijuana dipped in embalming fluid and repeatedly continued to dose themselves with said concoction throughout the entire process of making that movie.

Yes. It is that fucked up.

Well my fuzzy brain and I are going to go take a bath now. I don't know if I'm making any sense at this point.