Not Feeling Well

Last night after Master and I had our fight, we didn't talk to each other for a while. Eventually however we did start to talk, and I was very tired and ended up getting slap happy. We cuddled in bed last night and joked around a bit.

But I know the emotional wounds are still there.

The fight we had mainly revolved around finances, and how resentment towards the situation is building. Now yes, I know we both agreed that Him quitting His job was the right decision. It was not a healthy situation to be in. And I know this. And He knows this.

Hell He was the one living it, being there sometimes up to 19 hours in one day. I hated Him working there. And I know damn well that He hated working there too. But we both thought He'd have found another job by now. I'm still glad He's not at that hell hole. It's just frustrating, as I know it is more frustrating for Him.

The only call backs He is getting is pyramid schemes or things that want you to work for commission only. And in this economy, commission only isn't going to cut it. Hell some weeks it may not even pay for your gas to get to and from work.

As I said last night I was looking for a fight. I don't know, nor do I really care if other people get that way. But I come from past relationships where fighting was a constant thing. And honestly Master and I don't fight that often. So when we do, like last night, the gloves come off and because we have been together for over 6 1/2 years... well let's just say that when you know someone that well, you know just how to hurt them. And when you love someone, and you do know how to hurt them, it hurts even more because that person knows that you love them.

I said things. Things that I truly wish I had not said. Stress regarding finances is getting to me. It sucks, and I know this. The postponement of the hearing for unemployment didn't help. I was hoping, as I know He was, that it would be done and over with now. None of this is an excuse mind you, and I know that.

This is the dangerous thing about loving someone so deeply. You hurt them, and you know that you did. And you regret it. But you also know that now, the emotional wounds are there, and the guard is up. And you aren't quite sure how to ease that tension, or how to make things right. I apologized to Him after we had calmed down. But I know that isn't enough.

Yes, we were joking around and cuddling last night. But that doesn't mean that the words don't still sting. And by that I mean the ones I was slinging. Not Him. He took the higher road.

He went for a walk after I was done to calm Himself, and then came back, told me exactly what He thought very directly and to the point. That was that. He then asked me to leave Him alone because He didn't want to bite my head off. All of this after I was a complete and utter bitch.

Then comes today.

I go to work. I had maybe four hours of sleep. Around 9:30am I start feeling dizzy and go into the bathroom. I get sick. My throat hurts. I feel like I'm sweating but I'm not actually sweating and my skin feels cool to the touch.

Who do I turn to?

My mate. The one person in this world who loves me with every fiber in His being.

I call Him and He runs me through what it could be. Up to and including PMS. Which He said (and He's right) I usually go through towards the end of the month. The minute He said that, and He didn't say it with any venom in His voice, I thought about last night and I felt like a complete ass. I am one of those women who believe that PMS is not a license to be a bitch.

I asked Him to come pick me up. I knew that we couldn't really afford for me to take the day off unpaid, but again as He said when I do get sick, because it happens so rarely, it hits me hard and it hits me fast. And I need to rest.

He picked me up without batting an eyelash. I thanked Him when He got there. He simply said, "Well how else are you going to get home?" Again no venom or anger. Just simple truth.

And when I was talking to my coworker I told her I was going to call my Hubby to see if He thought I should go home. She told me "Fuck that, just tell him you're coming home cause you don't feel well."

I told her that's not how we work. We talk about things.

Again I felt like a bitch. If I had just sat down and told Him what I've been feeling instead of looking for a fight as an excuse to get it out, things last night would have gone differently.We talk, is what I told her. And we do.

But last night I didn't. Last night I lashed out.

And when He was telling me, after His walk, what He was thinking He told me to grow up. That stung, but I needed to hear it. If I had been acting like I was grown, instead of like a teen punk who wanted to fight for the sake of fighting, I would have had the sense of mind to go, "Babe, we need to talk. I'm stressing out and I need Your words and I need Your comfort."

He has sacrificed a lot for us. Because He loves me. I know He has. And I hate that He has had to.

I feel guilty because we are in this situation, financially. I feel like I should be doing better for us, money wise. I feel like I'm not making enough money. I've made a lot less, believe me. But when we're scraping by I feel that sting of, "Kitten, you should do more." And I think know that played into last night. I feel I'm not doing enough. And so again, that lash out. Because it's easier to lash out at everything else instead of analyzing what is going on in your head. I did this after the fight. I should have done it before and told Him all of this.

He doesn't make me feel that way. He never tells me, "You're not doing enough!" He always says, "It's not just on your shoulders babe." or "You're doing your best, and that's all you can do."

I have nothing of value to sell besides the car. And we need the car. We have the computer, but we need that as well. So many places want you to submit your applications online these days.

But off of that subject.

When Master got me home today He immediatley started telling me what to do. "Take your temperature. Okay that's fine. Take a tylenol in case you get a fever, and take a benadryl in case it's sinuses. Eat something small in case it's your blood sugar. Now rest, and drink lots of fluids."

He only ever has my best interests in mind.

Gods I love Him so much. And I hurt Him. Why did I do that? Why did those words have to be spat out? Why couldn't I have come to Him in a respectful and loving manner?

I am so sorry. So, so sorry.

I know He still loves me. I asked Him that last night. And He said yes. He has proven it time and time again. He has always had my back.

"Oh you have a job that stresses you out to the point that you want to break down and cry, but you found a different job that is much less stressful, but you have to take over a $2 an hour paycut? Do it!"

He let me do that.

And I repay Him for all of His sacrifices and all of His support with ungratefulness.

It's not that we can't get past this. I know that we can. We have gotten past so much worse. But for now the wounds are fresh and my guilt is deep.

I love You my mate. And for all that I have said, and all I have done, I am truly sorry. And I will show You that I am, and that I can be better.