He Says, I Do

Tonight Master and I had our conversation a bit early.

Remember that post I did about how we were going to try the whole "relaxed" approach to this? Well our revisited conversation wasn't supposed to happen until November 11th. Yeah. We had it tonight instead.

I thought it was going to be this wonderful, more spontaneous thing. It wasn't. It was basically just me doing what I wanted and that was that. And it wasn't what Master wanted either.

So we talked. And at first Master said perhaps we should drop the entire dynamic. I didn't say anything at first. But then my chest tightened, and I felt sick to my stomach and I was on the verge of tears. I didn't want to be just Husband and wife.

So we are going back to the whole He says, I do thing. But the begging isn't going to be so regulated. That was really what helped bring me down. "Every two hours, except when we're doing x, y, and z." And it just got to be to much to try and keep track of. Or the opportunity would arise and I would just do it to get out of being punished. So now I beg when He tells me to. Or when the mood strikes me.

Scenting? At least three times a day.

And also I told Master that the whole lack of interaction wasn't from Him not having to keep on top of me when I was being good. It was the fact that the "perks" were gone. He wasn't giving me random orders just for the sake of giving orders, unless it was very mundane things. You know like, "Take the dog out." or "Go to the store and pick this up."

He used to give me orders to just kneel at His side because He wanted me there. Those had stopped. And other miscellaneous things of that nature. Also He used to reward me with whole body massages or the pleasure of taking a shower with Him. That too had stopped.

And since we seem to feed off of one another, I'd think I wasn't getting enough of said "perks" and start to slip which would make Him less inclined to dish out said perks. And vice versa. I'd start to slip and then He would start to get annoyed and let me run to the end of my leash until I was disappointed in myself.

We weren't bringing stuff up. We'd just let it ride until we were so pissed about the situation that we'd wanna play the blame game and be at each others throats until we calmed down enough to try and rectify the situation.

And believe it or not, even with my submitting to Him I can have quite a stubborn nasty streak in me. (Go figure.) And Master? Oh...... very stubborn man when He wants to be.

As far as chores go, I'm to do them when He tells me and not give Him shit about it. That's simple enough.

No more crawling from room to room though. My joints aren't letting me do that comfortably anymore. Damn you joints.

So we are attempting to rewind to a happier, more peaceful time in our ongoing path. One we have managed to get to time and time again, but somehow lose sight of. Let's hope this time we are able to maintain it.

Also, I told Master I think that mental block is gone. I can be more verbal now, because I have been since we had the talk and I really enjoy it. Plus I have seen how much He enjoys it. And if something is bothering me, I don't want to keep it bottled up because it "isn't my place". Fuck that. We both want to be happy, and Master welcomes input. So I'm gonna open my mouth more often. (To tell Him if something is wrong or I feel distance between us, you pervs.)