Raw

After I did my previous blog post I sat down on my slave mat and Master was playing a video game. I decided to crawl over to where He was and lay my head on His lap. He paused His game, looked down at me, and asked me why I always chose to try and be affectionate with Him when He was doing something, but when He wasn't doing something I never did.

That question launched us into a talk, which turned into some what of a fight, which turned into Him being mentally exhausted, my crying and now not being able to sleep.

I can't possibly go into everything in this blog post. So for those of you who are going to try and tell me what I'm doing wrong, or what Master is doing wrong... I'm going to say this now...

This is a glimpse into what has happened, and what is happening. If you feel like getting on your high horse and saying how fucked up I am, His is, or we collectively are... fuck off.

Okay now that that's out of the way.

He told me how He feels I'm not trying anymore, in regards to being His slave. He told me that when I do, it feels forced. Same goes with affection.

I told Him that I don't feel as connected to Him as I usually do. I also told Him that my sex drive is pretty nonexistent, which He of course has already noticed. I said that I felt that this was due to stress about family, friends, and of course... money. It always comes down to that doesn't it? Things get tough, and all of a sudden it seems like everything goes to hell in a handbasket.

Like I said things have been much, much worse financially speaking. So what we're going through in regards to that is not nearly as bad as it has been, or as it could be.

As we talked we told each other where we felt the other was slipping. I felt like the only time I got affection was when I initiated it, or we were out with friends. He told me that the only time I was attempting to follow the rules was when I wanted to, and that when I did it felt forced.

I know I haven't been following my rules to the letter. I know this, and I am sorry. But sorry doesn't mean much sometimes.

I told Him that I think I am acting this way because of this that and the other thing. He told me that He was reacting in kind to my own actions. He said that He is tired of trying to fix it, and only have it work for a month, or two months, maybe three and then it going back to the rut we always seem to find ourselves in.

He said that He doesn't understand how we always end up here. Because I say this is what I want, I want to be His slave. But then I slip, and He's tired of constantly correcting me. He says what is the point, if I'm just going to continue to slip. I understand where He is coming from on that.

He went to bed and said I could go to bed when I wanted to. I told Him I wanted to go to bed with Him to try and reconnect. Affection. Sex. All of the above.

He, of course, was in no mood for such things. I took the dog out, took care of the rabbits, and laid down next to Him. He was laying away from me and I started kissing His shoulder. He said He really wasn't in the mood. I tried to crack His back and He told me again that He doesn't know how to fix this (this being the dynamic) anymore. He's tired of beating His head into a wall. And so He has decided that I have until Sunday to tell Him how I want this to work. I have until Sunday to tell Him how I think we should fix this. It's in my lap now. He said what is the point of Him trying to lead if I only follow when I want to. Also He figures that I should be able to follow my own rules that I set down. And if not, well... yeah. That'd be pretty fucked up on my part now wouldn't it?

After the second talk He told me to curl up and go to sleep. Normally when He says curl up that means curling up to Him in one fashion or another. So I laid on my side and scooted back towards Him, as He was now laying on His side facing my side of the bed. He didn't put His arm around me and He didn't pull me close.

I should have known better. When He is not in a good mood, He isn't in the mood to be affectionate. But my emotions and my desire to be touched ran my hopes higher than they should have been. I cried. I eventually rolled over and tried holding His hand. While He did not move His hand away, He did not return the attempt to hold.

My need to be touched was still strong, my emotions were high. I ended up running my hand through His hair and then trying to kiss Him. He opened His eyes and asked me what I wanted. I told Him that I wanted to be affectionate. He told me that I know better, that He isn't in the mood, and that Him telling me to go to sleep should have been a clear indication that such was the case.

He's right. It should have been. He told me that any other time He would love that I was being so affectionate, but just not right then. I apologized, and I went back to laying on my side.

I cried a little bit more, and then realized that if I continued lying there I wasn't going to be able to sleep. My mind is a whirlwind right now. My emotions are still running high and I'm feeling a bit raw at the moment. Hence the title of this post. I'm most likely not thinking clearly at all. So I'm just letting my fingers walk across the keyboard and what comes out, comes out.

I knew He wanted to sleep. I knew if I stayed in bed I was going to do nothing but toss and turn, keeping Him up.

So I got out of bed and now here I am.

This seems to be the cycle we are forever caught in. We don't say anything, waiting for things to correct themselves and then when it does come out it ends up like this. Him pissed off. Me hurt.

Like He said earlier this evening, it doesn't make sense. I love Him. He loves me. So why the hell are we acting this way? It's bullshit for bullshit's sake and He's tired of it.

"So Kitten, what are you going to do about it?," my mind asks me.

Good question.

Instinct tells me to shape up, or ship off. It's that fight or flight, do or die mind set that is there simply because I am raw at the moment. I know once logic kicks in I will realize that just because we are having problems does not mean it's the end of the world. And I do know this, in my heart. I love Him so much. And I know He truly loves me. This situation does not change that.

But it makes you wonder, why ...

Why do I keep slipping?

Why do we keep getting in this rut?

Why is it that stress seems to be the trigger for us to bring it up?

Why is it so hard to just do as I'm told?

Why is it so hard to do what is expected of me?

Why do I want structure but want spontaneity at the same fucking time?

The answers will come. They have to be here by this upcoming Sunday. What do I do in the mean time?

What I'm going to do in the mean time is what I feel I should do at the moment. What feels natural. I think that will help me realize what needs to be done.