Freaking Out & Calming Down

I don't understand how my own mind works to be perfectly honest.

In the face of some things, which doesn't really seem to have rhyme or reason to it, I can be calm, cool and collected. This mainly has to do with Master's health. Somethings up with Him, and I get this cold feeling running through me and I'm all business.

Finances? It depends. Sometimes I'm like "We can do this!" and other times I'm like "Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

This morning, when my paycheck hit, I logged into the bank and took a look. I knew rent was covered but wasn't sure how I was going to cover the other two bills due at the beginning of the month and still have money for us to live on. I freaked. Master was asleep and my mind wasn't fully awake when I did any of this. So I think the whole not being awake thing didn't help.

My mind was spinning as to how I was gonna do this. This stuck with me through most of the morning at work. Then out of fucking no where, my mind calmed down. It grew very logical.

See I used to have a problem keeping the bank account in the black. This was in part due to not keeping a very close eye on finances, as well as our bank sucking. First we didn't realize that they were charging us $5/per month for online bill pay. They also had some other fees that they were assessing to the accounts that I still am not sure what they fuck they were for, since I never got a straight answer. And these fees came out at random times during the month. Second, their online banking thing was never accurate. And lastly, their customer service sucked. They always gave you an attitude unless you were depositing money. If you had any questions or wanted to conduct business past, "Here take my money, please!" they were cunts about it.

So three things happened that helped us keep it in the black. First, we changed banks. Oh. My. Gods! The difference in customer service was flat out amazing! Free bill pay also help. (Why the fuck people pay a monthly fee so they can pay their bills, is something I'll never understand.) Second, I started keeping any receipt we obtained when we used the debit cards and writing them all down, and keeping track of the finances that way. Then I would compare what I had written down to the online banking website. Third, we stopped paying at the pump. Fuck that only taking a dollar out and then anywhere from one to five days later take the rest out. That got us in trouble more than once before we started keeping such a close eye on things. And since that point, we have never once had an overdraft charge. Yay us! (It's been well over a year.)

And it is one of our goals to keep it that way. So I think that adds to the stress. Because seriously who wants to pay the bank money when you don't have to? Right? Right.

So anyway, my mind calmed down and I was like, "Okay maybe this bill will let me push the due date a little bit." You see, the due date is the 9th and my paycheck is that Friday. So I was like, "Yeah they should totally let me do that."

That freed up some money. And then I started thinking about it and I was like, "Wait a damn minute, my math must be off somewhere from this morning when I was partially brain dead because I hadn't had caffeine yet." So I redid my math and sure as shit I was off by some $50.00. Cause ya know, doing math when you've only been awake for 15 minutes is never a bright idea.

So I calmed the hell down.

Master picked me up from work and we dropped off the rent check. Isn't it amazing how bored landlords seem when you hand them a check that is worth quite a bit of your hard earned cash? Like it's freaking pennies. Blah.

When we got home we discussed the finances. I told Him, "Okay your ticket is paid. And of course rent is paid. Now I just have to call this bill and see if they will let me slide a few days from the due date."

So I called them and they had no problem with that at all. They said it was within an acceptable time from the due date.

Then I paid the other bill that is due at the beginning of the month and transferred what we had left over of my check into the main account. It's not a lot. But it'll have to do for the next two weeks. Why? Cause it's all we have.

Then Master got all of His papers organized for the unemployment hearing on Monday.

Okay so what is the point of all my ramblings about me freaking out and calming the hell down?

Well, I get panic attacks. And sometimes I think that things like finances triggers them. Which is why I freak the hell out. And then just as quickly as they hit me, they go away. And when those panic attacks hit I feel like the world around me is crashing down on my head. I can't breathe right, and it's like all of my senses are hypersensitive. It sucks.

Then I started thinking about my mom. She has an anxiety disorder and is on Xanax for it. She also takes it for depression, which I also used to suffer from. Okay, sometimes I still do but I can yank myself out of it by mentally bitch slapping myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I got these things from her, and if I should also be medicated. Then I remember, "Hey I use to be medicated for depression and I was a fucking zombie! I hated it!" Granted it wasn't Xanax I was on, it was something else that I can't remember the name of because I was last on it when I was 15.

But I don't want to go back to doctors for that shit. I really don't. We don't have the money for that shit number one, and number two I really don't want to be on meds again.

So this is my way of rambling and trying to rummage through all this shit in my head. Bleh.