Blast From The Past

I had a different post in mind when I first hopped on here. But as I was about ready to start making the post I heard something on the TV. Master and I have been watching a lot of Pawn Stars. They were talking about a book that someone's semi-famous grandfather had had in his library and had signed the book.

So I commented that my paternal grandmother (the one I was extremely close to) had signed the inside of most of her books. She had a rather large library. She was an English major and was a school teacher. I then told Master about how pretty her handwriting was. Master said that His grandmother had pretty hand writing as well and still had a letter from her.

That immediately click in my head that I believed I still had a letter from my grandmother as well. I rushed to go check. I hadn't looked at it for a long time so I wanted to make sure I still had it. It would have broken my heart if I hadn't.

Thankfully I found the letter and it's still in really good shape given the fact that I was rather young when I got it.

You see, at the time my grandmother was battling cancer. She wasn't in the hospital at that point. Regardless of the fact that she was on a lot of medication and still battling cancer she was always the teacher. She was teaching my baby brother and I how to write a letter properly. Not e-mail. A regular snail mail letter. She wanted to make sure we knew how a letter should be written.

So she had showed us an example one day while we were at our house and asked us to write her letters and mail them to her when we got home. And we did. We would do anything to make her happy and proud. Hell, she's been gone for some time now and I still hope that I make her proud. I honestly believe that she is looking out for me.

The letter made me emotional. I didn't cry but it got pretty close. She wrote this letter 11 months before she passed away.

For some reason I wanted to post what the letter said. This letter was sent to be on March 13, 1993. (The proper way to write a letter is to include the date.) Please keep in mind she was writing this letter to me when I was 10, so she broke it down so I would understand it.

So here is the letter. (It has my brothers name in it so I'll be replacing his name with the word "Brother".)

Dear Granddaughter,

Thank you for your nice letter. I was really happy to receive it.

The cancers are getting smaller. That's really good news. And, no they haven't spread. That's also good news. Next summer they'll take more x-rays of Grandma's chest to see if the tumors are still shrinking. I sure hope so.

I still have some problems breathing because of the medicine I have to take. But it's getting better. By Easter I should not have to take the medicine any more. Then I should start feeling a lot better. That will be just in time for you and Brother to spend the night out here with us.

I'm glad to know you have so many good friends. I bet they are all very special people. It's fun having good friends you can play with and talk too.

We're also very proud of both you and Brother and how well you are both doing in school. We're glad you both like school so much and are working so hard. Keep up the good work. As long as you try your best that's what is important. Sometimes the work is hard and sometimes it is easy. But you always have to try your best.

I'm glad you had such a good time at your parties. You received a lot of nice presents. Your friends were very nice, and seemed to have a good time.

Please give these pictures to Brother. I forgot to give him the pictures when you were out here for the party.

Love you,

Grandma

Gods I miss that woman. When she wrote that letter my brother and I had just had our birthday party. He was born in January and I was born in March. So when we were younger my parents would just have our birthday parties at the same time. I remember that birthday party. We had it at McDonalds and Grandma was there. Wow was she skinny and pale. My grandmother was a rather plump woman before she got cancer. Seeing her that skinny as a kid (I was 10 years old) scared me very much. As you can probably tell when I wrote my letter to her I asked a lot about her cancer because it scared me.

But she didn't make it to the summer of '94. She didn't make it to Easter either. I know she wasn't lying to me in her letter. She was very hopeful. But shortly after this letter was sent to me her cancer did spread and it spread fast. She was in and out of hospital stays from about May of '93 until the day she passed away, which was February of '94. Her wake was on Valentine's Day.

After that letter I never got to sleep at her house again. When she wasn't in the hospital she was in a hospital bed in her living room on oxygen. She was too weak to walk around or sit upright. When she did come to our place she was in a wheelchair with her oxygen tank. She let us decorate the stand that she wheeled around the oxygen tank in with stickers. She said she wanted us to sleep over but she was so tired all the time and she didn't want us to be bored. We promised we wouldn't be bored but our parents said no, Grandma needs her rest.

The saddest part, to me, about her passing was the fact that she was due to come home two weeks later. She was in remission and the only reason she was still in the hospital was to help her get some strength back. She was in physical therapy when her heart gave out. It had been weakened from all the medication and chemo therapy. She had a massive heart attack and died in the physical therapy room. They weren't able to bring her back. We had made banners, which were already hung up at her house. It must have been extremely hard on my grandfather to take those down. We had plans to pick her up with Grandpa so we had also made signs to show her as she came out to the car. We kept them until about a year later. I was still 10 because my birthday wasn't until March. So it's been 17 years. Seventeen very, very long years. She was my heart. And I hope to see her again one day.

Nothing Strikes Again

I'm really hoping that this upcoming four day weekend is relaxing. Lately our weekends have been pretty chilled out, we haven't done much etc. But on extended weekends like the one coming up there is usually some drama. Not from us. Just friends, family, etc. And right now there is plenty to go around in both of our families as well as our friends. I'm sure we'll hear an update from someone soon.

Master gave me the night off the blog post last night. I had requested it because I had nothing to write about. Nothing entered my mind. So... today... here I sit and yet more nothing. I can't think of anything to really write about. Hell even just trying ramble out a blog post right now seems forced. But I know better than to ask for two nights off the blog in a row. I honestly don't think that has ever happened. At least not since the blog became requirement rather than a hobby.

Sometimes that means that I can't think of something to write about (like right now) and so I ramble a bit and see if anything makes my fingers dance across the keyboard.

*waits*

Nope.

Fuck.

I love writing which is why this shit pisses me off. I love doing my blog post too so it's not like I'm trying to get out of it. It's just that right now, aside from work, I have nothing on my mind and therefore nothing to talk about. I mean yeah, I could write about work. But it's the same old shit and I don't want to write about my job all the time.

If anything comes into my head later, I'll see if I can get a blog post out of it. But don't hold your breath.

Dear Weekend...

Dear weekend, please hurry the hell up.

It's only Tuesday and already this work week is trying my patience. An hour into my work day today I was ready to scream. I can't go into details, but it was something I've been working on since October that I just found out today wasn't even necessary. It isn't my job's fault at all. It's the company we're dealing with. It was their mistake. Mother. Fucker.

So yeah, that sucked major balls.

The rest of the day dragged. I didn't have enough work to even get me through my lunch hour. *sigh*

So every time something new was placed on my desk I grabbed it, starting working on it and tried to drag it out as much as possible. Even with me going slowly it only lasted a half hour. *head desk*

So I did a lot of bullshit work just to try and make the time pass. But that is one thing I can say about myself when I'm at work. Even if work is slow, I don't just sit on my butt doing nothing. I don't walk around and talk to people for hours at a time. I sit down, I do the work I have and then I try and scrape up more work to busy myself.

I'm a damn good employee. *nods* But how else can I build up job security? It's not by dicking around. Well, unless I was a hooker. Which I'm not. Ew.

 

Hmm..

I've been sitting here, staring at my blog, trying to figure out what the hell to write about for roughly 15 minutes or so. I must have really bad writer's block tonight.

It's been a good weekend but I feel kind of spacey right now. I slept in later than I wanted to and I'm sure I'll have a problem going to bed tonight. But waiting until I'm actually tired before passing out makes more sense to me rather than trying to force myself to sleep. Then I just get irritated and then can't fall asleep because I'm irritated.

It's a vicious cycle. Plus that means I'll be tired tomorrow when I get home and get back on my normal sleep schedule. That's really the only thing that works for me is to force my body to become so tired that I want to go to bed on time if not a bit early. Otherwise it's one night after another of nothing but my being restless.

Damn. Writing block again. I hate starting at the damn cursor when I can't think of what to write about. It mocks me.

It's The Little Things

You know, it's all of the little things that can really add up fast.

And sometimes, it's the little things that matter most. Or they can be the most insignificant dumb things ever.

When Master and I first started living together it was an adjustment, just like it is when first living with anyone else. One thing that used to irritate the hell out of me (it's stupid.. I know..) is that while He would grab new toilet paper for the bathroom He would just set it on the sink counter. The roller is right there. So like I said, it used to irritate the hell out of me. But eventually I just told myself that it was a very, very stupid thing to get upset about. So from that point forward whenever He does it, I just take it off the sink counter and put it on the roller. Done, over with. No big deal. Why that used to irritate me so badly I have no idea.

But it's also the little things that He does that make me so very happy. He'll just walk over to me and kiss the top of my head for no reason what so ever. Like He'll be playing a video game and wants something from the kitchen. The times where He doesn't want to ask me to do it, for whatever reason, He'll just pause His game and get it Himself. During these times I'm sitting at the computer, which is on the way to the kitchen. Every now and then on His way to the kitchen He'll kiss the top of my head, not say a word and then go into the kitchen, get what He wants and then goes back to playing His game.

It's sweet and it makes me smile. Or there are the times where out of nowhere He snaps His fingers, points to the ground right in front of Him while He's on His recliner and He'll start rubbing my shoulders. This normally happens when He knows I've had a rougher day than usual. I usually ask for a shoulder rub, but sometimes I don't want to bother Him about it because while it would be nice it's not to the point where I actually feel it is necessary in order to prevent a flare-up. But He just points, I kneel, He turns me around so I'm facing the TV and starts working on my shoulders or neck.

It's incredibly sweet of Him. He takes good care of me.

Picture Perfect

You know I've never really understood the kind of women who have to be all dolled up at all times. You know, the kind that have to have all of their make-up on, have their hair perfect.. not even one strand out of place, nice clothes and possibly heels on to even go outside to check the mail.

I've never been a girly girl, so maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I just don't understand because I've mostly been a tom boy. *shrugs* But when I see people like that, and my mother-in-law is one of them, it just irritates me. Take all that time and effort to just run a quick errand? Why?! I know that takes a while. In the time it took you to just get ready you could have left, done your errands, and have been back at home. Seriously.

Me? I'll dress up. I'll wear nice heels, a skirt, a nice top and have make-up on but that's only when Master and I are going out to dinner or to a bar or something like that. I don't dress like that just because we're going to the grocery store. And even when I do wear make-up it's eyeliner and lipstick. Nothing else.

I don't know why this popped into my head today but it did. So I just had to get it out of my head and decided to use my blog to do that.

Office Work Injuries

I am starting to get used to wearing the wrist support thing that I bought not that long ago. Master is having me wear it at work (minus my lunch break) and then when I am doing my blog post. Other than that I am to keep it off. That way I am wearing it when my wrist gets the most "punishment" and not when I don't really need it.

It's still kind of weird though. It's the kind with the velcro on it, so I am still trying to figure out the perfect "setting" as it were. Sometimes I get it right off the bat and sometimes I have to fuck with it a little before it is comfortable. If it's too tight then my hand tingles, if it's too loose it just feels weird. It feels like my wrist isn't getting enough support and I'm just wearing this weird uncool glove thing.

But I'll get there. I also have to wear my glasses when I'm at work, again unless it's my lunch break. If I'm reading a book at home sometimes Master will remind me to put them on. Usually that's only if I'm reading for an extended period of time though. He doesn't make me wear them when I'm at the computer at home, usually.

I only need my glasses when I'm on the computer and/or reading for an extended period of time. Well, at work I'm sitting in front of a computer for damn near 8 hours straight. So yeah. Glasses. I don't need them to drive or anything else. For instance, I'm not wearing them now and I'm fine. I can read and it's not a problem. But after a while the words start to get blurry and that gives me a migraine. That's how I found out that I needed glasses in the first place.

So yeah. Now when I'm at the computer at work I get to wear my glasses and my wrist support wrap. Go me! Hell of a fashion statement let me tell ya. At least my wrist wrap is black, so it goes with everything. My glasses? Well I have two pair. One is blue, which are the ones I wear at work the most. The other one are these really cute silver metal framed ones. I don't wear those to work much because I prefer the metal ones and would really hate it if something happened to them at work. Because of that though, I hardly ever wear them. Since I don't have to wear them at home, and I don't wear them when we are out and about, they just kind of... sit there. But to me that's better than them breaking. Plus, I can always wear them every now and again just to get some use out of them.

Thankfully I only need a wrist support wrap for my right hand. I'm sure that's because I'm right handed. So while my left wrist still does a lot of work when I'm typing, it doesn't get much abuse otherwise.

No one has mentioned the wrap at work, which doesn't really surprise me. Quite a few people at my job wear them, including my supervisor. Although his looks like it was prescribed by a doctor. It damn near goes down to his elbow and looks... intricate. That's really the only word I can think of. It has quite a few straps on it, and three pieces of metal (one on each side of the arm and one going  along the bottom of it).

I've also seen people at my job who have never needed glasses before, but now they do. And they are annoyed by it.

So apparently office work slowly forces you to wear glasses (or contacts) and wrist supports. Damn you office work! *shakes fist*

Headache. Ugh.

I was feeling great today. The weather was up and down, but it didn't seem to bother me at all. It would be sunny and then all of a sudden there would be a massive cloud burst. Then back to sunny. No biggie.

When I got out of work, the carpool dropped me off, I hopped into our car and I ran a couple of errands. Still felt great.

I got home, Master and I ate dinner and watched a Katt Williams comedy special. It was hilarious, as it always is, and I was in a good mood. Then I realized I had to run one more errand. Shit.

It was already 8:30pm. I still had to do my blog post, my exercises and take my bath. But no problem. It'll get done. Hell maybe Master will even let me stay up a little bit.

As soon as I walked outside my head started pounding. It's like the air is charged. Never mind the weather has been up, down and sideways today. Just a little pressure outside and suddenly the back of my head is pounding. What. The. Fuck.

I got home and put the soda away. Master said I looked kind of pissed off. I told Him that I had a bad headache. He told me to take a pain killer, which I did as soon as I was done.

He has been trying to keep tabs on my moods very closely. It's to help me realize when I'm not acting rationally. My medication dosages are still being played with, so I need His help to keep an eye on such things so I can keep my shrink properly informed. So I'm not allowed to say "Nothing" when He asks me what is wrong. I am to think about it, if I need to, and then answer honestly.

And I have been doing my best to do that.

Finally!

All this past weekend they had been calling for storms. It would maybe drizzle for about 10 minutes and then... nothing. *sigh*

Master and I love storms. We love the rain, the roll of thunder, the sudden cracks of lightning. Oddly enough we find it quite relaxing. Well, except for when the power goes out because the city decided it was a good idea to hang electric wires on poles around a lot of trees that are slowly dying and fall when the wind blows too hard.

Idiots.

But as long as the power stays on, we're very happy.

While I was at work today (I work in a different county than the one I live in) it was storming out there for a good hour or so. Master said it wasn't doing anything at home. So the only thing I could do was hope that it moved East. I love storms, but they aren't as much fun when I'm at work.

By the time I got home there was no storm, no rain. Nope. Clear skies. Damn.

But about a half hour ago the storm started! Sudden cloud bursts, lightning, thunder. It's been wonderful! Master and I have been enjoying it while we sit in the living room. In fact right now it is still raining and a little thunder here and there.

Storms, how I had missed you.

You may think I sound like a crazy person who goes storm chasing. Now, while I may be crazy, I do not chase storms. I don't have the equipment for that. Plus, the price of gas would kill me. Driving all over the country trying to track storms while paying damn near $4 a gallon? Fuck that.

No, I just love it when it storms here at home. Hopefully at least the rain will stay around for a bit longer.

Finally Admitting To Yourself

You know how sometimes you know something is wrong with you, physically, and that you should probably take care of it but you can't quite bring yourself to do it. Maybe it's something like admitting you need glasses. That is actually a pretty good comparison. When I was about 21 I realized that I couldn't see as well as I used to. I just shrugged it off for a while until it started giving me pretty bad headaches. So I finally broke down and went to the eye doctor. I only needed the lowest prescription you can get, but still. It was necessary.

Well for about the past four months I've noticed how when I've been typing my right wrist would twinge. Slowly but surely that twinge became a dull ache. But it only took about a half hour after I got out of work for it calm down. But for the past month it's hurting every time I type for an extended period of time. The pain would subside but it would hurt much later on when I hadn't been typing at all. Including the weekends, minus my blog post of course.

But it was really starting to bother me. After my blog post yesterday, which honestly didn't take all that long to type out, my wrist was throbbing and I asked Master to work on it a bit. That's pretty bad.

So today I broke down and bought a wrist support wrap. I could have gotten a one that had a mental splint in it. But I need to have at least some mobility in my wrist. At work I have to be able to go through files and dig around in file cabinets. I felt that the metal splint would hinder me and possibly end up hurting me more than help. As in it may hurt when I try to bend it too far in order to do a part of my job and slightly injuring myself.

So instead I went with a wrap. In fact I'm wearing it for the first time right now. And it actually feels pretty good. It will take time to get used to it, but I think it'll work out well.

Before my promotion at work I had to type up to 85 wpm just to keep up with my workflow. I did that for a year and I've had jobs in the past where I had to type a lot at a good rate. In my current position I still have to type but it isn't a matter of "type as fast as you can" situation.

I just don't think my wrist could take that kind of "punishment" anymore. So I'm trying to make it better/easier on myself by getting this wrist wrap. I'll be taking it back and forth between work and home. I will wear it at work all day, minus my lunch break, and then when I'm at home I can wear it when I do my blog post, like right now.

I really hope this works.

Random Thoughts

I have some things I could post about but rather than breaking it up over the next few days I want to do as much of it as I can in one post. So I'll be covering several topics. Please try to not get lost. ;-)

Last night we went out to dinner with my mother-in-law and her husband to celebrate Master's birthday. Honestly Master had gotten up to the point that if His mother started anything, like taking small digs and what not, which she is famous for, He was going to fire back. He wasn't going to just let it go without a comment basically. That being said, nothing happened. We all had a good time, His mother didn't take any digs at all. In fact she told us that we didn't have to come down on Sunday because they were going to paint the smaller rooms first and really only needed our help painting the living room. That honestly caught us off guard. In fact, the whole feel of the dinner caught us off guard. She was in a good mood, as was her husband, no digs, no back handed compliments. Nothing. She was pleasant and talkative. Everything she said was positive. It was.. weird. So while we had a good time we left going, "What the hell just happened?"

Odd, I know.

The rest of Master's birthday was spent with us at home talking and having a good time. He then said something very sweet. He said He was glad that I had taken the day off of work. Normally He doesn't want me to take off of work unless it's important. I had told Him that His birthday is important. But when I initially brought it up He hemmed and hawed about it. He eventually gave me permission to do so. He said He was glad that I had taken it off because He had such a good day with me and He was thankful for the extra time with me. He didn't say it, but I think what He was getting at was it meant a lot to Him that I had taken His birthday off even though we really didn't do much but sit at home. I didn't take it off for a party, or for a night out on the town. I had simply taken it off to be with Him on His birthday. While He doesn't really like His birthday I know it bothers Him when people don't remember it. So for me to take the day off to just be with Him, I think it meant a lot to Him. And that makes me very happy. That's all I really wanted. I wanted to be with Him on His birthday. It's as simple as that.

We are also glad that we don't have to go to His mother's on Sunday. We don't really have the gas money for it and my paycheck isn't until Friday. On top of that I really don't like doing a lot of Sundays. Especially if it's something where we aren't going to get home until 8pm. I may stay up on Sunday anyway, but it's at home and I can relax. I don't have to come home and unwind. Plus that means that Master and I can do our own thing.

Okay, now onto the subject of finances and relationships. Most of you probably already know that our finances aren't that great. We get by but we can't splurge often and even when we do it's not much. We do something simple, like go out to dinner. And even with that it's not an expensive restaurant. We simply have to keep a tight grip on our finances. One of the things I love about our bank is that we have the option of making our accounts where you literally can not go over. Which is the option we took. You can not go over whats in your account, which also means you can't get overdraft fees. Now where that would suck in an emergency situation it's great for day to day shit. For instance, if we happen to not realize we don't have that much money in the account when we go shopping, it'll simply deny the card rather than letting it go through and getting an additional $25 fee tacked onto it. That helps a lot.

They say that one of the most likely things to end a relationship or a marriage is financial stress. Now where we do get stressed and can get snippy with each other because of it, it will not end our marriage. We take our vows very seriously and one of them is for richer or poorer. Another one being in sickness or in health. Master has a blood disorder where if He gets a cold it can quickly become pneumonia which can quite literally kill Him if it is not caught in the very early stages. Then there is my chronic pain and bipolar disorder. So there are health problems on both sides of the coin.

Yeah, I know. Anyone who is married, or has been married, knows the vows. But still, pointing them out now and then helps keep our stress levels down.

HG, the fiance of BC, at one point asked how long we had waited until we got married. I told her that we got engaged at the 2 1/2 year mark but didn't get married until the 4 year mark. She asked if part of it had been because of finances. And admittedly that was part of the reason but even then we didn't spend a lot. The most expensive thing was our honeymoon and even then comparatively speaking to other honeymoons I've heard of, it was a rather modest honeymoon. We spent $200 on the actual wedding, including the marriage license and $500 on the reception including food and a bartender, but it was a cash bar. We didn't have a DJ or a band. We had a boombox and burned CDs. But we loved it. Everyone had a great time. We danced to our song and that was it. The rest of the music was just to have a good time. Our wedding rings, which are titanium, were only $400. I don't have an engagement ring because I proposed to Him and I hate diamonds anyway.

So HG then asked why we hadn't gone all out on it. I told her that we didn't need that. All we wanted was to be married. I wanted to be Mrs. Coyote. He wanted me as His wife. All we needed were the rings, an official that could marry us and the piece of paper that made it official. Everything else was trimmings. Although honestly we did want to have some kind of celebration afterward with our family and friends. But $500 on the whole reception isn't that much at all.

She then asked what happened after the wedding. I told her that as soon as we got back from the honeymoon we were tight on finances. And slowly but surely we became broke. She asked why we had bothered then. I got insulted by that question. What do you mean why did we bother? Fuck you very much. We bothered because we wanted to be married and it was important to us that we be married on our four year anniversary. She thought it was weird that we got married on a Wednesday. I simply explained that that was our anniversary and it didn't matter at all to us what day of the week it was on.

So now lets go into the situation... I don't know if I would call it ironic.. but it's makes me feel a little good inside. That may sound horrible when I explain the situation but the way she sounded like she was talking down to us for how our wedding was handled.. it makes me smirk a bit. Kind of a karma thing. Her words came to bite her right in the ass.

HG and BC got engaged on their 2 year anniversary. BC had spent over $3,000 on just the engagement ring. To me that sounds like way too much money to spend on a piece of jewelry. Way, way too much. In fact he bought it on their year mark and hadn't paid it off until their second anniversary.

Okay.. they had moved in together at about the year and a half mark. They had bought lots of appliances that were not cheap at all. A washer and dryer, things that came from Bed Bath & Beyond.. basically anything that comes from Walmart, Alids, or K-mart is beneath her. Now where I understand that a lot of people may not shop at such places if they don't have to. But if you don't have the money to buy the more expensive shit then it's not beneath a lot of people (in my opinion) to shop at such places. You do what you have to do. But not her. Oh no.

So back to the engagement part. BC took her out to Vegas at one of the ritzy hotels right on the strip. He spent a lot of money on wining and dining her. Then he purposed and she had said yes. Since they got back they have been going on mini vacations every other week. And not cheap ones. It's not like they went camping or anything.

They were planning a big expensive wedding. She wanted to spend about $5,000 on her dress alone. And now? Oh now they had to break their lease at the duplex they were renting and move in with his parents. They lived way outside their means and BC dropped a salary job, guaranteed money, to work a commission only job because she pushed him to saying that he could make a lot more money. Never mind it was further away from home. Never mind there is no base pay and is strictly commission. She thought there would be a lot more money in it. She was wrong. Her job makes decent money but not enough to support both of them, a $500 a month car payment, bills, rather high rent and their standard of living.

So rather than lowering her taste for expensive things (they could easily have afforded at least the rent and car payment if they had stopped buying such expensive shit and not going three hours away and staying in nice hotels every other weekend) they decided that they would break their lease and move in with his parents so she could still do the things she wanted to do. Plus, they won't pay his parents rent and they get the entire upstairs to themselves. They aren't even going to help pay bills. That is very disrespectful of both of them to his parents.

Now us? During the times that Master was not working or we both had low paying jobs it got scary. In fact at one point we were so behind on our bills that we had to sell Master's car to get caught up. It sucked. But we did it. Right now I make decent money and Master is not working. He is sending out applications like a mad man and I've been tossing out ones online for Him from time to time. We are busting our asses basically. But you know what? As tight as our finances have been we have never once even remotely considered moving in with family. We have always kept a roof over our heads, the bills paid, food in the house (although sometimes rather cheap food), food for the animals and at least some gas in the car. It's tight and it's frustrating but we do what we have to to keep our independence, not have to rely on anyone and not put anybody out. We have sometimes had to borrow money, but we pay it back every time as quickly as possible. It's normally about $50. There was one time that we borrowed $350, but that was in order to get the brakes and rotors replaced on our car as it was getting to the point that it was no longer safe to wait any longer. Even with that we are paying it back as much as we can each and every month.

But we don't live outside of our means. If we don't have the money then we don't have the fucking money. In fact we worry more about getting the animals their food before we worry about our own. If that means cutting down on our grocery money so be eat. We don't starve. We eat every day. It's just not steak that week.

And because of that, we get by and we have what we need. We may not be able to get things we want, things that aren't necessities, but we know that eventually we will. We know we can live with out and everything else is much more important.

I just can't understand people who must have the finer things even if that means having to move back in with mommy and daddy.

Extra Day

Today I was sitting at work and started thinking about taking tomorrow off of work. Tomorrow is Master's birthday. I have had to work on my birthday and our anniversary already this year. Master hates His birthday and insists that it doesn't exist. Now, keeping that in mind, I want to spend time with Him for His birthday. Even though He doesn't want to admit that it in fact exists, I feel it's one of those times in the year that I should spend extra time with Him. Like our anniversary.. etc.

Since I had to work both my birthday and our anniversary I decided to ask Master if it would be okay for me to take tomorrow off. He granted it, so I sent a request to my supervisor and it was approved.

Part of the reason is because if I hadn't I really would only have had Saturday with Him. Tomorrow night we are going out to dinner with His mother and her husband. So if I had gone to work I literally would have walked in, changed, put on make-up (if there was time for make-up) and headed right back out. Then we would have Saturday to ourselves. But then Sunday we are going down to His mother's to help paint her condo. Again. It was just painted two years ago but suddenly she no longer likes the color scheme. *sigh* We helped last time too. Only this time His mother will actually be there, not just her husband. So we both know that she isn't going to paint. She is simply going to dictate, nag and tell us how to do what we're doing. Honestly, we both wish she just wouldn't be there until it was done. It's less of a headache.

But now I have all of Friday, up until dinner, of just Master and myself. I'm glad that Master allowed me to take the day off of work.

Side Effects

On Friday my shrink had upped me from 225 milligrams to 300 milligrams due to my concerns. He told me that if I had any problems to call him. (Thankfully he doesn't charge for talking on the phone.)

So I started my 300 milligrams on Friday. That night I took that dosage for the first time. I felt a little funky afterward but I just chalked it up to having had a long week. Saturday again, I just felt a bit funky.

Then comes Sunday. I started to feel it a bit more. I was light-headed and couldn't fully focus my eyes for a while. So I was thinking about it and decided to keep taking that dosage. I figured that it was just because my body was getting used to the dosage. Remember, this is one of those drugs that has to build up in your system. Plus I didn't want to change the dosage without talking to Dr. L first.

But then last night it was a bit... unsettling. In fact I had Master read off the side effects to me. I would have read them myself but I couldn't read it. My eyes were focusing in and out, my depth perception was way off, I wasn't coordinated at all and I was seeing double every now and then.

Master basically said I was acting as if I were drunk. (Never mind I haven't had a drop of alcohol since March.) I'm not a big drinker, so when Master is telling me I'm acting drunk.. that's not good. He said that I was wobbling when I was walking, my speech was slurred, etc. So when Master read off some of the possible side effects it made sense. Double vision was listed, as well as lack of coordination, etc.. I remember having to put my hand on the wall as I was trying to walk to the bedroom.

The odd thing is, it only lasts until I fall asleep. Master woke me up in order to check on me. When He realized I was fine, He used me. And when I got up this morning I felt perfectly normal.

Regardless of those facts I decided to call Dr. L. I told him the side effects I was experiencing. He asked me if I had experienced any side effects from this drug before it was upped to 300 milligrams. I told him that no, I hadn't. So he said to go ahead and go back down to the 225 milligrams. He told me to let that build that up in my system for a few weeks before deciding it wasn't enough. He also told me that if I need to push up our next appointment from the beginning of August to not hesitate to call his office and he'll get me in asap. I promised him that I would. He also told me to have my Husband keep an eye on me and for Him to make sure He told me right away if He noticed anything different. I told Dr. L that Master has the office's number just in case.

So tonight when I got home from work I bought a pill organizer. You know, one of those things that holds your pills for the week. In order to take 225 milligrams currently I have to take one full pill, and then cut another in half and take the half at the same time as the one full pill. Once I got home with the pill organizer I put one full pill into each compartment and then Master cut other pills into halves so I could put them in there as well. This was all Dr. L's suggestion. He said that way I don't just have a bunch of half pills sitting in the regular medicine bottle and accidentally take either not enough or too much. It was a great idea in mine and Master's opinion. I should have thought of it earlier.

Dr. L is awesome. He had only upped it to 300 milligrams because I had expressed that I wasn't sure the 225 milligrams was enough due to a breakdown I had. But then again I hadn't let it build in my system for more than a week and a half. This time I know better. I'll let it build up and then if I feel it isn't enough I'll call Dr. L, make an appointment and he already said that rather than upping my dosage he'll just add a different medication so that the side effects will be little to none.

Long Time No See

Yesterday our friend ST took a long train ride and then hopped on a bus to come to our neck of the woods. He wanted to visit with us first and then go visit the family he has in the area. He got to our place around 4pm. I got home around 5:30pm. He had us go to Game Stop and he bought Master a video game for His upcoming birthday (which, remember, does not exist according to Master). From there we came home, ate dinner and played video games. We all took turns whooping each others asses in Soul Calibur 4. But then Master and ST played Marvel vs Capcom 3. I bowed out at that point because that game is not really my cup of tea. So I chilled and watched on and off while playing on the computer.

We talked quite a bit. We haven't seen him in more than 6 months, so there was a lot to catch up on. We told him about Master's family, BC and HG and that clusterfuck.

He told us how it's going with him, although he didn't have a lot to update us on. He's single right now and lonely. He has been looking for a boyfriend and we wished him luck on that. His last relationship ended badly and that was about two years ago. His last boyfriend was an alcoholic and according to ST got physically violent a few times when is when ST decided enough was enough. We aren't sure if that last part is true. His boyfriend might have just pushed him back when ST got in his face and since ST is such a drama queen he can weave that into a full on beating. And quite honestly he really likes attention, and sympathy is one of his favorites forms of attention. So he's quite dramatic.

But that's ST. Master and I have known that about him for a long time so when something just doesn't add up we just leave it alone and change the subject.

He left at about 10pm to go to his cousin's house to crash out. He's in town until late Sunday but I don't think he'll visit with us again only because there are a lot of people he wants to touch base with. But at least we got to see him for a while.

Tweaking the Meds

At my last shrink appointment (yes I call him my shrink) my medication doses were upped by 50 milligrams. It doesn't sound like a lot, and it wasn't really because I was already on the lowest "full" dose. So adding 50 milligrams wasn't much at all. But Dr. L wants to take is slow to see what is going to work the best for me instead of going as high as we can. I like that about him, even though it takes trial and error to do so. It's better than being over medicated in my opinion.

Well today I started feeling... down. Not depressed, but down. Master said I seemed vacant. That's actually a pretty good word for it. I was stressing out and as a result, instead of dealing with it I was shutting my mind down. While shutting my mind down I lose my personality, my sense of humor, etc. I can still function. I can still do my job just fine.. but everything else is pretty much gone. I believe it is some kind of self defense mechanism. It is my way of dealing with it without dealing with it, if that makes any sense. I pretty much become numb. Numb is not healthy.

Master said He was worried and I understood that. My next appointment with Dr. L is next Friday. Well I didn't want to wait that long to tell him. So I called his office and played phone tag with him for a little while until finally he called me back and I was actually at my desk. I explained to him what was going on and how I don't think my current dosage of 150 milligrams is enough. When my medication dosage is changed it works great for a little while because it is more than what my body/mind is used to. It's one of those drugs that has to be constant because it builds in your system, it's not an instant reaction. So this is where the tweaking comes in.

Dr. L asked if I still had some pills left. I said that yes I do. So he told me to take 1 full pill then cut another in half and take half of that pill. So basically I'd be taking 225 milligrams per day. I said I would do that. He said we'd talk more about it at my next appointment. Thankfully that's only 8 days away. But the fact that he was willing to help me right away by being creative about it was really comforting. He's a great shrink. I really like him.

Thankfully I have just enough pills to make that work. I'll run out exactly on the day of my appointment, at which time I should get a new prescription. So the timing works out perfectly. I would hate to have to refill the current prescription just to turn around and get a new prescription three days later. That would be a waste of a copay.

So hopefully this will work and be the right dosage. I won't know until I talk at length with Dr. L and see what he has to say about it. I'm just glad that I honestly don't have a problem talking to my shrink about my problems openly. I'm not embarrassed about it. I don't feel weak because I have to ask for help. And I'm glad that Master encourages such. He doesn't want me any more crazy than I have to be. ;-)

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!

I don't know why but last night after my blog post and all that I laid down on the couch, watched Master play His video games and passed out. Not normally a big deal. Normally I just nap for a little bit and then I'm fine.

Oh no, not last night. Master woke me up at 10pm to take care of the rabbits while He took care of the dog. I took care of the rabbits, came back out to the living room, laid back down on the couch, said a few things to Master as He walked back in with the dog and fell back asleep. I didn't get up again until Master was ready to go to bed.

I woke up, went to the bathroom, crawled into bed, set the alarm clock and passed out once more until my alarm went off this morning at 6am.

The fuck?!

I haven't had a severe decline in energy levels like that in months.

When I woke up this morning and realized exactly how much sleep I had it bothered me a bit. I wasn't sick. (Which normally knocks me on my tail anyway because I hardly ever get sick) I wasn't depressed. I wasn't sleep deprived. So what the fuck? I mean, I was a bit down after the dentist appointment because the options weren't quite what I was hoping they would be, but I wasn't depressed. And being down doesn't affect me like that.

It must have had Master concerned as well because when I got up this morning there was a note from Him asking if I was okay. I assured Him that I am fine and that I have no idea why that happened last night. I honestly felt bad though because that time between getting out of work and my bedtime is really the only time during the day I get with Master. And with me sleeping through 85% of that, well... it fucking sucks.

Today my energy levels seem fine. I'm a bit tired because it was a very busy day at work, but that's normal.

So now, I'm off to spend time with my Daddy.

The Day of Ups and Downs

Today has been up and down all damn day. I got up for work and had to remind myself that it was actually Tuesday, not Monday. Right now I'm really thankful that it it's a shorter work week.

First, the work shit. I get to work and ask to leave at 3pm so I can do to my consultation appointment with my dentist. The request is approved and nothing more is said. Then, on my extremely short lunch I get told by a coworker that because yesterday was a holiday if I leave early today I wouldn't get paid my holiday pay. The way I had read it it was if you didn't come in, not if you left early. So I go to HR and she confirms that if I leave early today I won't get paid holiday pay. I quickly explained that it is for a dentist appointment that I had to make last minute. She says fine, she'll talk to my supervisor and they'll make a "management decision"... So I get all stressed out about that and tell Master. He tries to keep me calm. About an hour later I get called back in the HR office and she tells me that I'll still get holiday pay as long as I can bring in a note from the dentist stating that I was actually there and that is why I had left work early. It reminds me of school. Seriously.

So okay fine. Master picks me up and we go to the dentist. The dentist gives me all the options, but saving that tooth is not one of them. So he goes through the whole list. All of them are expensive and painful. It's just varying degrees. I don't really want to go into what all needs to be done, or the options he gave. I'll just say that Master and I aren't making a decision tonight. We need to call the oral surgeon and figure out when they can get me in and how much it'll cost me because not only do I have to go by their schedule I need to schedule it around my work schedule and finances. I'm going to at least need one extra day off, which means burning a vacation day so I can stay home and take care of myself. I'd much rather save it for something fun. But this needs to be taken care of and there is no way Master is going to allow me to just keep putting it off.

So now, back to work shit. My supervisor had said he was hoping to get my review done this week. I seriously fucking doubt it at this point. We have a new girl in the department so he spent the day showing her around. Tomorrow and Thursday we have clients coming in so the whole place is going to be hectic as hell. Then Friday my supervisor leaves at noon. So yeah, some how I think it's going to be put off again.

*sigh*

But Master is making me smile and joking around with me even though I feel down. Not depressed, just down. Overwhelmed is another good word. It was just a lot to process today.

What Is Spring?

Spring isn't how I remembered it as a kid. I remember Spring as being something that happened to gradually raise the temperature from the freezing winters to the hot summers. Not this 50 degrees one day 87 the next bullshit. Blarg.

We haven't turned on the air conditioning yet. We thought about it but decided against it for now. So we turned the ceiling fan on high and took the standing fan out of the bedroom and put it in the living room for now. We'll move it back when we go to bed.

After my four day weekend, which I have greatly enjoyed, I am reluctant to go back to work. I love getting to spend extra time with Master. Today reality smacked me in the face that I have to go back in tomorrow. The only sucky thing is that I know damn well I'm going to have a lot of work on my desk when I come in. The worst part? I have to leave work almost 2 hours early in order to make it to my consultation dentist appointment. If I hadn't made the appointment for tomorrow I would have had to wait until the end of June. That wouldn't normally be a problem except for the fact that the damn tooth still gives me problems on and off. I want to get it taken care of as soon as possible so I'm not screaming in pain at one point because I waited too long. That would suck ass.

Master is coming to pick me up and take me to the dentist appointment. I'm not nervous about it at all. Either it's going to be good news or bad news. Can they save the tooth without making me bankrupt or can't they. Those are really the only two possible outcomes. So we'll see.

Fear of the Dentist

Yesterday Master allowed me to skip my blog post because we were relaxing and having a good time. Before we knew it, it was pretty late and Master said I could skip it. So now, some catch up.

Yesterday I had off of work. I had scheduled the day off quite some time ago, but it served a different purpose than intended. I had originally scheduled it off in order to relax for four days straight and not worry about anything. Well with how my toothache was getting worse and then calming back down I had scheduled a dentist appointment. I got up and was a bit nervous about it. Originally I had wanted Master to go with me just because of how nervous I get at the dentist. I knew He would have to stay in the waiting room but just knowing He was close helps me a great deal.

But Master's back has been bothering Him a lot. It bothers Him to the point that He has not been sleeping well at all. An hour here, an hour there. He's constantly getting up because the back pain won't allow Him to stay asleep or He tosses and turns. Thursday was one of those nights. The appointment was at 12:30pm. Master woke up not feeling well, still tired. I understood and there was no need for Him to actually go with me. So I went by myself.

I got there, filled out the new patient paperwork and gave them my insurance information. I had to sit in the waiting room for a while because I had gotten there about a half hour early. I just wanted to get it over with.

Finally they take me into the room and before I even sit down I explain that if I start shaking it's only because I'm nervous. I told them that I had a very bad experience with a dentist in the past when I was a teenager and that when I have tried going in to a dentist since then I have been somewhat judged whether it be because of my nervousness or the fact that my teeth are not in the best of shape. They aren't horrible. But there are quite a few cavities some of which are large. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that my fear of dentists and lack of insurance has kept me from going for routine dental care. It is embarrassing and that also adds to the fear of me going. But these people were so nice, understanding and did nothing but try to keep me calm and talked to me the whole time. They explained everything they were doing and just started chatting away like we were old friends. It was very comforting.

Nothing was really done to fix the toothache. This was a preliminary visit. They took a full mouth x-ray which took a while because they are done in sections and they wanted to get a few different angles of certain teeth. Then they did a cleaning and polished my teeth.

They set up a consultation on how to fix the main problem, the tooth that is causing the pain. Again at the consultation it's not going to be fixed, it's going to be used to talk about options and what I am comfortable with, what is realistic and what isn't going to ruin me financially. Even though I have dental insurance it's not the best in the world. My medical insurance rocks but the dental leaves something to be desired. So I'll take on a good portion of the bill. But at least the insurance will cover something.

Before I left they gave me a bag full of "oral care goodies". They gave me a new tooth brush, two different kinds of dental floss and mouth wash that doesn't contain alcohol. (This particular dentist does not like mouth wash that contains alcohol because it dries out your gums.)

After the dentist appointment I felt... relieved. I was worried that I would have similar experiences to the ones I've had in the past. This was... a pleasant surprised. I do believe I have found a dentist that I will have no anxiety over seeing. Of course I had to list the medications I'm on and the dentist did not recognize the one I had listed, so she asked what it was for. I explained that I was bipolar. I'm still getting used to the fact that I have to say this. There is a lot of misconceptions about the disorder and I was worried they were going to think I'm bonkers. But she just said okay, made a note and didn't treat me any differently.

She did ask me what my bad experience was though. She wanted to understand so she could take precautions that it wouldn't happen in their office. So I told her.

When I was about 14 my wisdom teeth were coming in, but they were coming in sideways and causing a great deal of pain. They hadn't broken through the gum line yet but the dentist insisted that they had to come out now. So my mother took me in. It was the only dentist in the area that would take our insurance which admittedly sucked ass. I know that she specifically asked me to be put completely under. She has also had bad experiences with dentists before which I think already had me nervous about them to begin with. This particular experience didn't help one bit.

The dentist did not put me under. He numbed my gums and gave me very little "laughing gas" and that was it. He was very rough about it. I remember more than once when he was pulling his fingers out of my mouth his dental equipment knocked my front teeth and a few times scraped my chin. That scared the hell of out me for some reason. He also didn't suction all that much. I swallowed a lot of blood. He had had to cut into the gums to remove them so yeah, there was a lot of damn blood. As soon as the stitches were in and he moved back I ran to the bathroom and was sick because of the blood that had gone down my throat. I was sobbing because it hurt so damn much. I was then on the couch for four days with ice packs wrapped around my cheeks. My cheeks were so puffed up I didn't even recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. And I was continuously throwing up because my stomach was still getting rid of what I had swallowed during the procedure.

To me it was very traumatic. It may not sound like it, but to me it was. The dentist said she was so sorry to hear that that had happened to me. She promised that nothing like that would happen to me in their office.

Like I said it was very comforting. I didn't shake at all. I was surprised. I'm a little disappointment that I am going to have to leave work early on Tuesday to go to this appointment. First, gas isn't cheap and Master is going to have to drive 45 minutes to come get me, drive 45 minutes back to get me to the dentist and then get us both home after. Thankfully the dentist is only 5 minutes from the house.

I have told Master that I am going to take better care of my teeth before the problem gets any worse. We are going to take care of the biggest problem first and then go from there. It's going to be a long process simply because of the expense. But we'll get there. I am also going to go in for routine cleanings from now on. Master said He is proud of me and happy that I'm taking these steps. He doesn't judge me at all because of my cavities. He has said that He just wants me to keep my health, dental or other wise, as first priority. My mental health has been and is continuing to be addressed. Now I just have to get the rest of it rolling. I'm glad that I've started it with my teeth. It's long overdue.

A Bit Late

This post is a bit late. It's supposed to be for 05/26 but Master and I were watching this really interesting TV series on Netflix and by the time we finished it it was already midnight. Oh well.

I don't have to work tomorrow. I have a nice four day weekend! Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment. I've had a toothache on and off for a little while now and I know I have cavities and I know I have to start getting them fixed. So yeah, I have an appointment tomorrow. I've put it off for a long time for two reasons. First, I didn't have dental insurance until recently. Second, I am scared of the dentist. Any dentist. This is thanks to butcher of a dentist I had when I was a teenager. I'm not as nervous as I thought I would be about tomorrow. Master says I'm getting better about it.

Other than that we are meeting up with my mother on Saturday. Then on Sunday we are supposed to meet up with SS. She had said earlier in the week that she wanted to get together and we hadn't heard from her since. So Master had me get in contact with her today. She still wants to get together on Sunday. She just doesn't know what we'll be doing. She wants me to call her on Sunday after I get up and we'll basically wing it from there. Master doesn't seem very thrilled about it, but I figure if anything else if He wakes up on Sunday and decides He doesn't want to deal with it we can just cancel. No biggie. We don't have anything going on Monday and I'm hopefully going to keep it that way.

I'm honestly surprised that I'm not tired. I got up at 6am and it's now 12:30am. *shrugs*