Romance

I couldn't really think of anything to write today so I took a question from the submissive journal prompts. This one is: "Does romance have it’s place in D/s relationships?"

Well, as I've said in the past Master and I are not "traditionally" romantic. I honestly wouldn't know what to do if Master had me dress extremely nice (as in non-slut gear) and more formal and took me out to a restaurant where you have a wine selection and a full three course meal and the bill was quite pricy. First off, I'd probably be worrying about how expensive it was. I don't like spending a lot of money on food. Anything over $45 for a dinner for both of us is too expensive in my mind. And yes, that includes the tip. And even then the bill really only gets that high because one or both of us orders a Jack and Coke.

So.. I guess we'll go for our version of romantic. Which is back rubs, cuddling and doing things like going to local carnivals and fairs and walking around hand in hand while Master wins me a bear. It probably makes us sound like teenagers but that's what we enjoy.

Do I feel it has a place in the D/s or M/s lifestyle? In ours, yes I feel it does. If other people do not believe it does, then it isn't right for them in their relationship. And I completely understand that. Believe me quite a few people we know find it odd that I'm the one complaining about how expensive something is. *laughs* They told us that normally the husband is complaining about the bill and their wife is complaining that they are too stingy. But that's only the people we know. I'm not saying everyone is like that.

Mean while Master, when we have the money, is more than willing to splurge on me. Mean while I'm looking at it going, "We could do like three things that are less expensive for what this place charges for dinner." *shrugs* That's just how I've always been I guess.

So while I enjoy the structure and the roughness of our dynamic, I also enjoy the softer and more affectionate side of it as well. I don't know how well I'd do if Master was just Mr. Bad Ass all the time and never the guy who holds me or rubs on my back or just wants to put His arm around me when we're out and about just because He wants to. I don't think I would function well in that kind of environment. I think I would eventually shut down completely and just become a "yes man" for lack of a better term. Yes Sir. No Sir. Sorry Sir.

I believe that my emotions would be drained from me simply because they were no longer needed and I'd become a shell. I wouldn't be able to joke around or be affectionate. I would be a thing. And while I enjoy being "forced" to do something, I think if that all that was expected of me.. do this.. do that.. and nothing else I would hate it deep down inside. I also feel that I would one day snap. I don't mean going psycho with a chainsaw or anything. But one day I could see myself suddenly snap out of the shell and go off on Him and leave.

I am madly in love with Master and I honestly can't see my future without Him. However, if He were to take all of the softness, the "romance", and the affection away and were to just use me and twist me into something that just does what it's told and that is literally it's only purpose, I would die inside. And eventually something inside of me would claw it's way out of that "grave" and leave.

So for me, personally, it is an essential part of our dynamic. It's a balance that we attempt to keep as best we can. We don't want to lean too far to one side or the other. We want the best of both sides.

Back In Time

Master and I have talked about this subject a few times. It's just something interesting.

You all know how the unemployment rates are, I'm sure. And yes, I know they are worse in some areas and better in others. That's just how it goes.

There was a time where women were the domestic one. They stayed at home, cooked, cleaned, etc. The men folk went to work. That's how things worked. Women didn't work often, and if they did it was secretary work or something related to such. There were a lot of jobs that only men did back in the day.

So.. what if all of a sudden the US went back to those times? Would it help the unemployment rate? I mean, you're damn near taking half the work force out and putting them into house work.

I wonder if it would change anything. I know a lot of women would be offended by the very thought that they would be "stuck in the house" while their man went off to work. I get that. Hell I work a full time job and I am not domestic at all. But, if we were raised with that... if that's what we knew.. it wouldn't be such a system shock. I wouldn't mind it at all. Especially if I had grown up knowing that I was going to be a house wife. I would have been taught all the things I needed to know. All the little tips and tricks of saving a buck on house work and how to save time doing it.. all that sort of thing. Sometimes I try to think of how it would be if I were a house wife. I'd get up, make Master's lunch, see Him off to work. Then I would clean and go grocery shopping and cook. (I don't know how to cook well but Master wants to start teaching me. We're going to start with breakfast foods.) Then when Master gets home I would have dinner ready and enjoy the evening with Him.

I know there are plenty of down sides to being a house wife as well, but I think I would enjoy it. Right now I work full time and it's a good job. But sometimes, I dream of just giving up working and being a stay at home wife or at most just having a part time secretary job. But that's not how things work anymore.

Hell Master has said He wishes we would go back to the barter system.

Drugged

As I'm sure most of you know, I'm bipolar. I didn't know until last year. I mean, I've always known something wasn't quite right because of my violent mood swings and illogical reactions to certain things. But I wasn't diagnosed until about September of last year.

The symptoms were getting worse. I had been diagnosed with depression as a teenager, but that didn't explain all the other stuff. Master encouraged me to find help. So I did. It was honestly a hit to my pride in a way, needing help. But when you need it, you need it. There are no two ways about it. I am now medicated. I've been on the medication for about a year now, although the dosage has varied to try and find the one that is right for me. Currently I'm on 225 milligrams. I have an appointment with my shrink coming up so I'm sure that we'll talk about that. He did say the last time I was in that he may want to add a supplemental medication to what I'm currently taking. So, who knows.

It is kind of weird knowing that not only am I on medication, but that I'll need medication for the rest of my life. I'm not sure what would happen if I stopped taking the pills, but I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty. I've never missed a dose. I have an alarm set so I don't forget to take it. I also now have a pill organizer so there is one slot for every day of the week. It's a lot easier with the organizer as I am currently taking 1 1/2 pills. Other wise I wouldn't be at the 225 milligram mark.

I wonder what my shrink will say and/or want to do the next time I see him. I like him. He's a good doctor and is easy to talk to, which helps a lot. It also helps that he's somewhat close to home. I would say a 15 to 20 minute drive at most.

But for some reason today I started to realize that I really do need to be medicated for the rest of my life. Unless somehow they find a cure for bipolar disorder. A lobotomy perhaps? That might work. Then I'll just have to drool on myself and stare at pretty colors all day. Score.

But seriously, it just hit me for some reason. I probably should have been on this medication a lot sooner, but I started taking them at 27 years old. How long will I live? No idea, obviously. But.. probably quite some time yet. Okay, lets say I make it to 75. Then I'll have been on some form of medication for 48 years. By that time I'll have taken roughly 17,280 pills. And that's if I only continue to take one medication.

That's a shit ton of pills. Seriously. I'm not saying I'm going to stop taking my meds. I can't. And I don't want to go back to being as fucked up as I was before hand. Now, I'm crazy lite. I'm not too bad. I still have some bad days, but they are no where near as bad as they were a year and a half ago. Holy fuck.

Why this stuck in my head today, I have no idea. But damn. That's a long time to be medicated.

Company Picnic

Apparently I don't really give a fuck about dates on these damn posts, because I forget to put them in. Oh well. It's not a huge deal anyway.

Now that little bit of randomness is out of the way.. onto the blog post! I was sitting here trying to think about something to write about. Well, there is nothing kink related on my mind and I can't find a "journal prompt" that is catching my eye... so this is going to be rather day to day type shit. I apologize in advance.

The company I work for does this "picnic" thing every year. It's not really a picnic, although there is food. They always do it somewhere that has entertainment of a sort. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's something. For instance the first year I worked there they took everyone to a baseball game, paid for everyone's tickets and had lunch catered. Master and I don't like baseball, but we thought it might be a good time. So we went. We were wrong. Baseball is just as boring watching it in the stands as it is watching it on TV. Yeah. We didn't stay long but we figured it was free, the only thing we spent was gas money.

This year they are having it at the zoo. Awesome! Master and I love the zoo. They are paying for parking, admission and are having a catered lunch. After we eat Master and I can roam around the zoo by ourselves. It's not like a "the group has to stay together" thing. Nope. They just hand us the tickets and say "Do what you want."

It's this Sunday and Master and I are hoping to go, but we're not sure how hot it is going to be and also how much gas will be in the car at that point. It's not exactly close to home. It's about 45 minutes to an hour away. But we said if we do go, we could act like it's a date. A free date at that. Get free food, enjoy walking around together, look at the animals.. you know. Fun stuff.

I know that walking around a zoo as a "date" makes it sound like we're 13, but Master and I really love the zoo. So there. *grins*

Other Side of the Coin

Master and I had a great three day weekend with one another. There were a lot of errands to take care of, but even then we were having a good time and just enjoying it.

But there was also really, really great sex.

Saturday night Master and I retired to the bedroom some time around 2am. We weren't planning on going to sleep, we just wanted to fuck. So off to the bedroom! (Quickly, to the Bat Cave!)

Master started off by using His mouth all over me which drove me up a wall and back in very exciting ways. He bit my neck until I thought He was going to go completely through the skin. There is no mark but it still hurts deliciously. From there He went to my tits and molested those. (He later commented that it sounded like I was going to cum just from that. Yes, it felt that damn good.)

He moved down and settled between my legs. He took His time and brought me up to the point of cumming and pulled back a bit and focused on another area. Back and forth, back and forth.. it was wonderful. When I came it felt like a rush of heat and I couldn't hold out any longer. It made me arch my back and claw at the wall. From there He told me it was my turn. He laid on His back and I, being the good slut that I am, started sucking His dick and doing variations on what I normally do, just to keep it interesting. He called me a good cock sucker and ran His fingers through my hair while pushing up with His hips. I thought that honestly was the way He wanted to get off, but the next thing I know He's pulling my head up. I crawl on top of Him and He smirks at me asking if I wanted to be on top. I giggled and pushed back so His cock rubbed against my slit. He allowed it and so I slipped Him inside of me. He held me down and gently rocked His hips. Eventually He let me sit up and I rode Him. I changed it up between riding Him hard and then doing small motions with my hips.

During one of the times that I was doing the minor movements with my hips He said, "That's right. Give me a lap dance." That turned me on a lot.

After I came three more times He smacked me on the ass and told me to put it up in the air. However, He did tell me that I could continue to cum at will. If I am on top I can normally get off when ever I want to, but other than that it's only when He orders me to. The sex just kept getting better, and better, and better. I lost count of how many orgasms I had.

Then it happened. There is one thing that I have never, in the eight years we've been together, had to grab a pillow so I could scream into it. Trust me, I've wanted to do that in the past, but I've been able to bite it back so the cops wouldn't be called. I still moan rather loudly but I fight the urge to scream. This time, I couldn't. I quickly grabbed His pillow, buried my face in it and screamed. From that point forward I couldn't stop clawing the sheets and just letting whatever moans and sighs and gasps I needed to make flow out. I didn't hold back. And it was amazing.

After we were done we went back into the living room with the intention to staying up for a while. But as soon as we sat down we realized how exhausted we were. So we took care of things out there and went right back to bed where we curled up and passed the hell out.

So here is the other side of that coin. Last night Master had me dress up for Him. I asked Him shortly there after if He would please work on my lower back. It had been bothering me all day. He nodded and told me to grab the lotion and meet Him in the bedroom. It's just easier to do back rubs on the bed. It's more comfortable than the floor and the couch isn't really big enough for one of us to lay down and the other sit. He worked on my back for quite some time. It felt a bit numb afterward but in a good way. It felt like a lot of the tension was gone.

But He had more plans than just working on my back. It was now time for me to be His toy. I had a free pass the night before, now it was time to submit completely. He had me continue to lay on my stomach, entered me, and laid down on top of me. It was close, it was intimate, it wasn't as rough as the night before, but we don't always want rough and nasty sex. (Such as Saturday.) Sometimes we want that nice intimate fuck. Last night was one of those nights. Even if I'm just being used I love those kind of nights.

He went slowly and didn't make a lot of fast movements. I started bucking my hips back and He allowed it. Sometimes, when I'm His toy, I'm not allowed to move. This time He allowed it and seemed very pleased by it. His cheek was brushing my hair and He nuzzled the top of my head a few times. When He came He rested His head right next to mine and I ran my fingers through His hair, gently holding His head there. As a result He pulled His face closer to my cheek. It was wonderful.

Tender or rough, it's always great sex. But it's always nice to know that we both greatly enjoy both sides of the coin.

Cheap Date

We were talking about dating and dates and all this other stuff relating to it today. Why? We were watching a TV show that was talking about how romantic things can be and how expensive such things are.. etc. Master and I have been together for 8 years and quite honestly aside from our honeymoon and concerts, none of our "dates" have ever gone over $60. This also excludes any that revolve around our anniversary or our birthdays. I'm talking normal, day to day, type dates. Such as a married couple having a date night. You know, that kind of thing.

So yeah. Never over $60 and that's with us doing dinner and a movie. The most expensive restaurant we've ever gone to is Applebees. Well, unless His mother drags us somewhere and she is the one footing the bill. But again, that doesn't count. So for $60 we go to a movie, get snacks and soda, then go to dinner after.

I can honestly say that the only times we have spent more than that is if we do dinner and a bar. But that's not just us going out. That's at least one friend, if not more hanging out. So that's not a date. We used to go to strip clubs but to me that was not a date.

So yeah, we're rather cheap dates. But we're okay with that. We're not ones for expensive restaurants and then going to the theater after type people. I could see us going to a play or musical but not very often at all. Plus it would have to be something we both really wanted to see, much like a rock concert.

I did tell Master that sometimes I wish I could go out and buy a new slinky and sexy dress, then go to a salon and have my hair styled and maybe even have them do my make-up (but not going overboard), come home, surprise Him and then us just go out. Maybe one day, when our finances are more stable we may do that. And it would be something very new for us and after eight years it would be really nice to do.

Brothers

Last night we went out to dinner with Master's half brother. He is the only child His mother had but His father has a total of 5 children. Why? Because apparently he is insane. Five kids. Holy shit. He has two sons (Master and His brother) which were the first two out of the five. The remaining three are all girls. But anyway...

We had made the plans to meet up with Master's brother and his wife a while back and finally it was time. We had only met up with them once before. Master hadn't seen His brother in about 14 years before we met them for the first time. There is a lot of history of His mother whispering in His ear about how horrible His father is and all the other kids blah blah blah blah blah. Yes, she's a manipulative bitch on wheels. Well about two years ago Master got back in contact with His father. And through that link up He got in contact with His baby brother. Also, He found out He has two sisters that He didn't even know existed because they were born after He stopped talking to that side of His family. It came as quite a shock to Him.

So back to the dinner thing. They came up by us and we hit Applebees for dinner. They had left their little one with a babysitter this time. Everthing was more relaxed. Not that it was extremely tense the first time, but the whole sizing each other up thing was done and over with. With that done and over with it was like they had never stopped talking to each other. What amazes me with Master getting in contact with His father's side of the family is that everyone is welcoming us with open arms and a smile on their face. There is no bad blood. They all understand that Master's mother fed Him a lot of bullshit and He had a lot of other things going on. It's all very hard to explain via a blog post but trust me.. there was a lot going on.

You would think there would be some caution or some "if looks could kill" type moments. But no. Not from anyone. Like I said there was a sizing each other up moment but it wasn't a fuck you type thing. It was a "lets see how this long lost family member actually is" type moments.

We all had a great time at dinner. There were a lot of jokes thrown around, a lot of laughs and a lot of smiles. It was wonderful. Everything with that side of His family is so... laid back. We don't have to dodge and weave or take small barbs at the other person in a fucked up form of self defense like we do with His mother.

But even Master's father said that I fit in with their side of the family. *grins* So now Master can't get rid of me because that side of the family loves me. *laughs*

We were at dinner for about 3 1/2 hours. It felt like an hour. We agreed to meet up again soon. They are having a barbeque at there place sometime this summer and want us to go. We said we would love to go and to just let us know what they want us to bring. I'm so glad that Master is reconnecting with that side of His family. He may have missed a lot of years with them but now? Now, it's like He never left.

Venting

Okay, I've been trying not to vent too much about day to day stuff on here. But after today, I really need to so I can keep my mind clear and to keep a good grip on myself. I can't fall to pieces and right now there is no need to. Certain things will need to play out first, and then I'll react from there.

First, the car. We've been worried about the tie rod end since I found out about it 2 weeks ago. We simply did not have the money to fix it right away. Thankfully tomorrow I have an appointment to finally get it taken care of. Which is a good thing not only because that will relieve the stress regarding the car but also because I have to take the car to work on Monday since the person who drives the carpool took the day off of work.

The second thing is finances. When is it not right? Well, thankfully right now they aren't as tight as usual. And hopefully it will remain that way for a while.

Okay, last stressful thing. My grandpa.

My grandpa has had two quadruple bypass surgeries in his life. He is diabetic and needs insulin via a shot every day. He is on 13 different medications which he has to take twice a day. He lives by himself with his dog. He is about 20 minutes away from everyone. Thankfully his neighbor keeps an eye on him.

Well about four or five months ago the doctor said that he didn't have much longer. He has outlived that "diagnosis", thankfully. Last week grandpa had gone to the doctor. He had been pushing it off for weeks. He found out that only 50% of his heart is working. They scheduled him for a heart catheter for August 5th as that was the earliest they could get him in.

We were all holding our breath until that appointment. Well today while I was at work my mother called me. She told me that Grandpa was going to the emergency room. My heart skipped a beat. She then explained why. Just as fair warning, this is about to get gross...

Grandpa has colitis. And sometimes because of it when he has a bowel movement there is some blood as well. Apparently today that happened, except it was mostly blood and he couldn't stop bleeding. He waited, cause he's stubborn, to see if it would go away on it's own. Obviously it didn't. He called his next door neighbor and asked is she could take him to the hospital. He was embarrassed, which I completely understand. But apparently he didn't feel he had much choice. He was too weak to drive. This is the same man who drove himself to the hospital while he was having a heart attack. He didn't call an ambulance. He claims he didn't have the money to pay for it, and that may be part of the reason, but I think part of it was also the fact that it would take longer for the ambulance to get there. Plus, like I said, he's stubborn so he doesn't want to call the ambulance. Don't ask me. I don't know why he does it. No one in our family likes it, but Grandpa is going to do what he's damn well going to do.

Long story somewhat short, he was admitted to the hospital for the night and he will have more tests run in the morning.

We're all worried. We would be if colitis is the only thing he had going on. But now you have a 73 year old man who is diabetic, has a weak heart, and now can't stop the bleeding. Yeah. That's fucking scary.

Right now my mom advised me to just keep going through with whatever plans we have, etc. to try and distract ourselves. (Master really likes my grandfather so he's worried as well.) She promises she will keep us updated. Right now Grandpa doesn't want visitors. So I'll respect that for now. Depending on what else we find out I might tell the old bird to hush and give me a hug.

So, unless an emergency with my grandfather comes up we are going out to dinner with my brother-in-law and his wife tomorrow night. It will take our minds off the stress for the moment and if anything does happen my mother knows my cell number, which I'll be making sure I can hear. I'll be calling my mother tomorrow to see if there is any more news.

I hope he's okay. I love my grandfather.

Ugh

Today I woke up with a migraine. You have to love waking up with your head throbbing to the point that you don't even want to get out of bed because you don't want light hitting your eyes. But I got up. I took some pain pills and got ready for work. Thankfully it didn't take long for the edge to come off the migraine.

The rest of the day still sucked though. It seems that all of our stress is hitting me all at once. And it was today. I had an upsetting moment last night that Master helped me through. I was laying on the couch and we were watching something on Netflix. A part of the show came on that had to do with breast cancer and for some reason it hit me harder than usual as it had me thinking about my grandmother who died of cancer and I started crying. Master asked me why and I explained. Master had me sit up and He sat behind me and had me lay back down while He held me and rubbed my neck and in between my shoulder blades until I calmed down. He then got me a tissue once He felt I had gotten myself together. It was very sweet of Him and I feel that because of how He handled it I settled down more quickly.

Today because I was getting upset on and off due to the stress I called Him and He talked me down a bit and told me that it is a lot to take in at once and things just kind of snowballed the past two days. I felt better when He said that.

You can tell that the stress is taking it's toll though. I got home from work and ate dinner. We started watching a movie and shortly after I had finished eating I fell asleep. Master let me sleep until I woke on my own, which honestly wasn't that long ago. I'm not sick but when I'm stressed out and finally start to wind down I end up sleeping more than usual.

So I thought I would hop online, knock out my blog post, and then go take my bath. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Permission

July 19th, 2011

Today I went to the submissive journal prompts site that someone had suggested to me. I have really wanted to get back into posting more about our dynamic rather than the day to day work stuff. I know of course sometimes I will have to post about such to vent, but I don't want it to take over my blog. I will still post about how I am handling being bipolar and about family as I feel these things are important. But today, I wanted to do a post about our dynamic. So I found a random prompt.

The question is: Do you have to ask permission to do basic needs like eating, drinking, or going to the bathroom? How does this enhance your submission?

I do have to ask permission to use the bathroom if Master is home. Obviously when I am at work or home by myself I do not have to ask. That would just be silly in my eyes. The only time I do not have to ask when Master is home is when I am not feeling well. If I am not feeling well I simply have to tell Him as much and request that I may use the bathroom when I need to for the night rather than having to request permission every time I need to go.

As far as drinking goes no, I do not. Sometimes when I go to reach for a soda He'll tell me to grab a glass of water instead. But that's really about it. When we go out to dinner and the restaurant serves alcohol and I would like one I do have to ask permission unless someone else is with us. Then I just kind of glance over at Him and He very slightly nods or He makes a quick "no" movement. But these days, due to my medication, I don't want to drink alcohol. If Master is having one I may take a few sips, but because my medication magnifies the effects of alcohol I know that I would get more tipsy than I had intended in a very short amount of time. When I do drink I prefer to just get a good buzz and then leave it there. So I figure rather than ordering my own (and wasting money) I will just take a swig or two off the drink Master ordered.

As far as eating, I do not have to ask permission. Although one thing that we do when we go out to eat by ourselves is that I will either wait for Him to start eating or I will wait for Him to tell me to "go ahead". We don't do this at home, but I enjoy it when we are out by ourselves having dinner or lunch. Another thing involving food that Master does on rare occasions is feed me. For example, if we order mozzarella sticks as an appetizer (one of our favorites) as I said before I will wait for Him to start eating. But what He does is He will pick one of them up, and hold it out in front of Him half way between Him and myself. I smile whenever He does this. I then lean forward and take a bite. He usually winks at me when I am done taking the bite and smiles as well. From that point we both just start eating them and continue as "normal". Also, if we go out to a movie, which is rare these days, I have to ask if I can get some nachos or a soda. I can't just walk up to the cashier and start telling them things I want. And I also have to ask Master what He wants. Normally I am the one going up to the cashier so I get His "order", I ask if I may get x, y or z, and then I go up to the cashier.

However when we do go out to eat with other people I have noticed that even though I don't have to I wait until He starts eating before I start. I usually busy myself with my napkin or something so it isn't obvious.

How do I feel it enhances my submission...

Well all of the above are things I need. I need to use the bathroom, I need to eat, etc. These are things that I can not without. So, since He controls such it is a constant reminder that He is in control of everything. He can tell me yes, I may use the bathroom or no I have to wait. He can tell me that yes I may eat when we are out or no, I have to wait until He tells me I can. (I know He wouldn't tell me know I can't eat when we go out because that's just throwing money out the window.) If we are at the movies, I don't "need" the munchie stuff but I do enjoy it and He knows that. So He could say yes I can get what I want, He could tell me what I may or may not get, or He can tell me no. Even if He were to tell me no I would still have to go up to the cashier and get Master what He wants.

So it's strictly a control issue and also a way of reminding me of how much I depend on Him not just on the kinky stuff but also for guidance and to take control of me. I need Him to have control and He needs to control me. It's simply how we are. I would not function well if He did not have control. I need that kind of structure not only because that's simply how I want it, but also because it honestly helps me deal with being bipolar. If I am having a really manic moment or I am really depressed He centers me as best He can with not only His love and His caring, but also with my knowing that He is in control even though I am in no way capable of controlling myself during one of those extreme and sudden moods.

Slave or Wife?

July 18th, 2011

There is a lot of stress going on right now. I'd rather not go into it, in fact I'm trying to take my mind off of it for a little while. So I thought I would hop online and do my blog post. I looked through some journal prompts but nothing really struck my fancy. So I've come up with my own little topic of conversation.

Some of the slaves/subs who read my blog are also married to their Owners. Others are engaged and then there are the ones who "dream of" being married to their Owners. I'm not poking fun at anyone what so ever, I'm just opening the discussion up for this topic.

As I'm sure most of you know, I am married to my Master. Master Coyote as He goes by here on my blog. We have been married for going on 4 1/2 years.

What I'm curious about is this...

If your Master were to give you an ultimatum of you can either be His slave or His wife... which would you choose? He is telling you that you can no longer be or never can be both. For the sake of argument lets just go with the scenario that either you are engaged to or already married to your Master. Also for the sake of argument lets say that He is not letting you know which He would prefer. This choice is entirely up to you and which ever you choose is the one that is going to happen. Let's also say that if you chose wife he would not take on a slave. If you were His slave, He would not take on a wife. No matter what He would be with you and only you unless your relationship was already based on having other people involved.

So, if you are already married and you chose slave, you would have to get a divorce but you would continue to be His slave. Your wedding ring would come off (or engagement ring) but the collar and other slave "trinkets" would remain. On the flip side of that coin if you were to choose wife, your wedding ring and/or engagement ring would stay on but your slave "trinkets" would come off.

So... which do you choose? (Feel free to comment on this post with your answer. I would find it quite interesting.)

Okay, so onto my answer. I absolutely love being Master's slave. I also absolutely love being His wife. So quite honestly this would be an extremely difficult situation for me. I would cry, I would beg, I would get angry, I would break down. But I know that if this is really what Master had decided, to leave this decision up to me, I would eventually have to come around and make a decision.

However, this idea has been running through my head all day because I had looked through the journal prompts before I went to work. Since none of them struck me as something I wanted to post about today I started trying to think of a topic to blog about. This is the one I came up with. As a result, I've also been trying to think of my answer to said question.

This is what I came up with. If this is how it has to be, as much as I treasure my collar and cuff, I would choose my wedding ring. I would choose to be His wife. That may sound surprising to some. However, there is a good reason why I would choose to be His wife. First of, the legal ties that we have help both of us for extreme situations. Not to mention that would also mean I get to keep His last name, which in my eyes is one of the top signs of ownership.

I may be younger (I'm 28) but I was raised with some "old world" ideas thanks to my grandparents and my Oma and Opa. Parts of these "old world" ideas center around how marriage should be. The things I learned was that while it may not always work this way the wife is mainly "subservient" to the husband. Sometimes however, when it is at home and they are the only ones there things can be said and/or talked about that throws the dynamic out the window. However, even with that the husband usually gets final say. This was the way the marriages of my Oma and Opa (who were actually my great grandparents but that's what we called them) and my Grandma and Grandpa worked. You kept your arguments and fights at home. You didn't bring it into public view. You waited until you got home and handled it then. Etc and so on.

So, you see, I could technically have both. I know that no matter what kind of relationship Master and I have we both were raised with some old world trains of thought although from different backgrounds. Mine is mainly German with some Polish. Master's is mainly Sicilian with some Polish. So, with that in mind, parts of our dynamic would remain intact. Where as if I were to choose the slave part, I would lose my ring and I would lose His last name. (He had made it very clear before our wedding that if anything should ever happen and we get a divorce I must go back to my maiden name because if there was a divorce I was no longer a part of that family and there for should not hold that name. It makes perfect sense to me.)

So there is my choice. Much of it has to do with knowing how our family influences would effect how we interacted within our marriage anyway. So yeah, it's a bit of a cop-out but... there it is.

As I said earlier in the post I would really find it interesting to hear your thoughts and choices on such, so please feel free to comment!

Self Control

July 17th, 2011

Master has a lot of self control. It shows in many different areas. But one of the strongest, oddly enough, is during sex. He has a lot of self control as far as when He has an orgasm. From time to time I try and override that. I basically try to catch Him off guard. Why? Because it's fun. That's why.

It's not a competition or anything but since Master has so much control of such things I find it interesting to at least try. Nine times out of ten it doesn't work. In fact when it fails He knows I am trying and He chuckles at me. It's that dark chuckle. The one that sends shivers down my spine in a very good way. When He is done chuckling at me He says something along the lines of, "Not yet slut." Of course the response varies but it's normally something similar to that.

But the times I can catch Him off guard and He cums before He intended to it's like a score on a chalkboard that only exists in my mind. (So much for it not being a competition.). I can't help but grin when it does happen. It is not easy to do at all, but when it does happen it's very intense for both of us.

This morning, I won!

Last night Master had me dress up for Him. I chose one of His favorite outfits. But by the time we actually went to bed, which was around 3:30am, I was kind of out of it and Master's back was hurting. So we just curled up and slept.

He had told me before He drifted off to sleep that He wanted me to wake Him up when I got up for some "morning nookie", as He put it. As I was laying there with my eyelids getting heavy I thought to myself, "How am I supposed to wake Him up? He is normally up before I am on the weekends."

So I was a bit worried about it since He had given me an order. An order that I may or may not be able to fulfill. I didn't want to set an alarm because I hate setting alarms on the weekend and it would have woken up Master too.

Apparently I didn't need to worry. I got up at 11am. (I know that sounds late but I normally sleep until at least noon on the weekend. I'm lazy. I know.) But I couldn't drift back off to sleep. I didn't wake Him up right away. I still had my outfit on. I went out to the living room and woke up a little bit first. I then brushed my teeth and brushed my hair. I wanted to wait so He would get some more sleep since He hasn't been sleeping well. I was a little worried that He would wake up before I went back there but I figured since He hasn't been sleeping well I didn't really have to worry that much. He was out like a light when I got up.

At noon I went back into the bedroom. I had planned on waking Him up by stroking His cock but He was laying on His stomach. So instead I slipped into my side of the bed and cuddled up next to Him. I tried to nuzzle Him awake like I normally do but He didn't react. He just kept snoring. He is not the kind of guy you want to wake up suddenly. You have to be gentle about it.

I nuzzled Him some more with no reaction. So instead I slipped my hand under the sheet and started gently rubbing between His shoulder blades. He started to make some waking up noises and then He opened His eyes. He looked at me and said, "Good morning."

He turned over onto His back and stretched. He then pulled me over to Him so my head was resting on His chest. We talked a little bit and He was still half asleep. So I snaked my hand down to His dick and gently played with His balls. Then I ran my fingertips up and down the length of His dick. He moaned, so I started stroking His cock. He was more awake by that point. He let me play with His dick for quite some time before He told me He wanted me to be on top. So I sat up, worked up some saliva in my mouth and licked the underside of His cock before taking it into my mouth. I sucked His cock for a while before moving into position for me to be on top. At first I teased Him a little bit. He doesn't always allow this but this morning He was enjoying it. Then, without warning, I moved just right and His dick slipped inside me.

The next thing He said turned me on a lot. His eyes were shut and His had this absolute look of pleasure on His face when He said, "You are so tight, wet and warm." When I'm extremely horny my pussy gets very, very warm and He always comments on it when it's "hotter" than usual. This was obviously one of those times.

He grabbed my hips and pushed His up and said, "Right there. That's where it's the warmest."

I had been leaning over Him up until that point. I sat up rather quickly and He moaned once again. He kept His hands on my hips but not firmly. He was more or less resting them there. I started to rock back and forth and as I did so His grip tightened. I bucked my hips and rode His cock hard until I had a very strong orgasm. I slowed down after that and rolled my hips a bit and gently rocked back and forth once more. This went on for a while, increasing the pleasure for both of us.

Then I decided I would try to catch Him off guard. First thing in the morning it is always the hardest to do. Not that it's ever easy, but when He first wakes up it is extremely difficult. You would think it would be the easiest, but no. It's not.

I rode Him hard again. I held off on my own orgasm so I could go hard and fast longer than usual. He gripped my tits and played with them for a while. I couldn't hold off anymore. I could feel the heat running through me. I came and it's not like I cut Him short or anything. I could tell He was trying not to cum actually. I rolled and bucked my hips at the same time and suddenly He sat damn near bolt upright and dug His nails into my shoulder and back as His self control was overridden and His orgasm caught Him off guard. He then slammed Him self back into laying on His back and I continued to roll my hips as He orgasm continued. His lips were pulled back showing His teeth, His eyes were shut tight and as I continued to roll my hips He bucked His. It was one of the longer orgasms He's had in a while. When He was done I bucked my hips one last time and He gasped. I made Him gasp. How hot is that?! Very.

He slapped me on the ass which is normally my queue to get off of Him and lay next to Him. This time I didn't move right away. Instead I very slowly pulled up so His dick didn't slip out of me right away. Just as it was about to I pushed back, keeping Him inside of me. He gritted His teeth again and slapped my ass a bit harder this time. I giggled and moved off of Him.

I find it extremely sexy when I can do that. Not that it's not hot as hell when He can keep His self control. That's hot too. But those very rare times where I can catch Him off guard it's hot, simply because it's so rare.

So yeah. I won. *smirks*

Ahh.. Saturday

July 16th, 2011

Master and I got up somewhat late. I woke up with a headache because apparently I slept on my back for most of the night, which I don't normally do. After we had woken up a bit Master took His shower and I talked to my mother for a while. From there we have just kind of winged it. We watched a movie, Master played a video game or two, and we talked. Then.. I became a nerd and started messing with my blog. I was trying to get the date to show up. With this particular theme it doesn't work so well. I was tweaking away and I just kept messing the look of my theme up. Finally I did a face palm and decided that the hell with it. I'll just put the date inside the damn post. That is just so much easier. I mean it's not even a big deal to have the date on the post show up. I would just prefer it. And I'm not willing to keep tweaking the code because since this template is extremely customized any one thing that I do can really screw it up. I got the time to stop showing up at the bottom of the post, which is all well and good, but I couldn't get the date to show without it totally throwing off other parts of the theme itself.

So the quick and easy fix is just to include the date inside the post. Ta-da! Easy. Such a thing is not worth the headache. Although, I did find a "reactions" function for the posts. On my old blog I had included "stars" to rate the blog. This is basically the same thing. It's at the bottom of each post. Currently I have "Hate it, Like it, Love it" as the choices. I don't know if I should add more of not. That seems to pretty much cover everything.

Tonight Master wants me to play a game with Him, which hopefully I will not suck at. Then after my bath I'll get dressed up for Master. I don't know what exactly. Sometimes He has a preference while other times He's tells me to pick. So this could get interesting.

I know not a lot of my blog posts have to do with kink right now. I've heard of "submissive journal prompts" for when I have no idea what to write about and I think I'll start using those. I think that will help pull other things out of my head and onto my blog as well for when the day to day stuff just kind of takes over, which honestly isn't what I want. Since it's still rather early in the evening (8:00pm) I might do one later. That should prove to be interesting.

Talking and Typing

One thing I have noticed is that when I'm writing to someone about Master, or I'm writing to Master on a non M/s site I actually have to remind myself not to capitalize certain things. Him. You. He. Things like that. I'm honestly not sure if anyone would really notice. They might just think it's a typo of some kind if it only happened every great once and a while. But that's not the case. I have to remind myself all the damn time. It used to be the other way around. In the beginning of all this I had to remind myself to do the capitalization. Eight years later and now I'm having to do the opposite. It's weird.

I'm somewhat used to not calling Him Master or Daddy in front of people who don't know about our dynamic. Or if I do, I try and make it sound sarcastic. Master knows I'm not being sarcastic but I make it sound that way so people don't "catch on" so to speak. So the whole talking thing isn't as bad. I've been doing that the entire eight years. But as far as typing it goes I've mainly done it through direct e-mails to Him or here on my blog. But now we're e-mailing more family and such.. so I have to "re-train" myself to type in a "vanilla" manner.

Does anyone else have this problem? Or is it just me?

Outcast

Today at work the women in my department threw a baby shower. One of the women in my department is currently 8 months pregnant with her first child. Okay, I get it. Everyone is throwing her a baby shower. I didn't have the spare cash to get her a present, and honestly I wouldn't see the point of it anyway. I don't really know this woman. I have limited interaction with her at work. That's it. So.. why would I buy her a present for her baby shower? I wouldn't. And so I didn't.

My sister-in-law is pregnant. Master and I will be getting her a baby shower present. She's family. That makes sense to me.

But as soon as the baby shower was over, it felt different in the department. I didn't go to the baby shower obviously. I didn't have a present and I didn't really know her. After my lunch break I went back to working but everyone was talking and such. I said congrats to be polite and no one said anything. The woman didn't say thank you and everyone just kind of looked at me like I had a second head suddenly growing out of my shoulder.

It was rude and uncalled for. I had said congrats to this woman before the baby shower and she was polite about it. This time, because I didn't go to the damn thing she wasn't polite. Kind of a "Well you didn't get me a present so.."

Rude. As. Hell.

But the women in my department (honestly there is only one guy in the whole department besides my supervisor) have never really clicked with me nor made the attempt to. Then again I haven't really tried to with them either. But when I'm trying to be nice or joke around a bit because I'm bored they don't seem to want to interact with me very much. It's not like I'm cold or anything. I try to be nice and friendly. But if it's not about work then they don't really want to talk to me unless I'm the only one in the vicinity. It's not just my job though. It's happened most of my life as far as other girls are concerned. I sometimes wonder if that's why I became such a tom boy and why I'm more comfortable hanging out with guys.

Master's male friends I can chill with and joke around. Then there is His one female friend from high school and if her and I are left alone it becomes awkward because it's like we're not sure what to talk about. Same thing happened with Master's god-sister. (We don't talk to her anymore because she's an alcoholic and a very bitchy one at that.) It was fine as long as Master was there. As soon as He left to go to the bathroom or to do whatever all she wanted to do is man bash. I do not man bash. I can bitch and what not, but I don't generalize and I don't "bash". I don't understand man bashing. The women I know think it's fun and perfectly normal. But you flip to the other side of that coin and they get pissed when their husbands or boyfriends do it about them or about women in general. I prefer to be more specific. I bitch about specific people. I may say I don't understand or don't like certain things as a generalization but that doesn't mean I'm bashing it. It just means I don't understand, do not prefer, and/or am not interested in such things.

I don't know. I guess I've always just kind of felt like an outcast. I was never popular. I had my extremely small clique when I was in school and I had my family. That's it. It's just that people didn't seem to want to deal with me or make the effort to know me. As a result I didn't give a fuck.

I think that's one of the things I love about Master. He accepts me. For the good, the bad and the ugly. He understands me and takes me as I am, as fucked up as I am.

As the years have gone by honestly I don't have any friends. I have Master and I have our families. Master still has some friends hanging around but even He doesn't seem to want to deal with them as much. We joke around that slowly but surely we're becoming hermits. I'm not sure how much of a joke that is. Our circle of friends started off at a decent number when I first moved up here. But then for various reasons we no longer associated with certain people. It turned into a domino effect. We're down to I'd say four right now.

1. BC - He is still our friend but he is so wrapped up in his fiance and his job that we haven't seen him in about 6 months even though he only lives 30 minutes away. We have tried getting in touch with him to hang out with little to no response.
2. ST - He lives about an hour away and he is getting on our nerves more and more. He's a good guy. He's can just be annoying as hell. Also, he's not a very good house guest.
3. SS - We still talk to her every now and again. But as with BC she is so wrapped up in her fiance that we haven't seen her in quite some time. 
4. JO - He lives in Florida. We haven't seen him in years, but that's not because we don't want to. We don't have the money to go visit him and he doesn't have the money to come visit us. The last time he was up was shortly after our wedding. He came up to celebrate our marriage as he couldn't be at the wedding itself and to visit his sister to meet his newborn nephew. We both really wish he lived closer. 

 So yeah. That's about it. We're getting to know more of paternal side of Master's family which is awesome! We are talking to His dad, His brother, and two of His three sisters more and more. His mother? Well.. that's the same old story.

On my side my grandfather is pretty much lying to everyone about his health, telling us he's fine even though he still can't pass a stress test. My mother has been very sweet and we're seeing her more often. My father.. well he hasn't improved really. Although, much to my surprise, he called me two days ago to "see if we were alive". We hadn't seen him since.. I want to say February. It's not that we haven't been in town, because we have been. It's just that my dad isn't who he used to be and we hate his girlfriend. HATE.

But I did tell Master the next time we're in my hometown we should probably make an appearance at his house. We'll see how that goes.

Welcome Home Babe!

I had a very long and hard day at work. I was frustrated beyond belief by the end of the day and I had to take a moment to calm down. I'm much more in control of my emotions these days, rather than them controlling me. I mean I still have a full range of emotions but they are much more logical and easier to deal with rather than the hell of rapid cycling.

Master knew I had a hard day at work. He had dinner ready for us when I got home. After we ate dinner I had one tiny errand to run. Master had taken care of the rest while I was at work. He was even nice enough to pick up my prescription that I had forgotten I needed until the last second.

After I got home from the errand Master called me over to Him. He was sitting in the computer chair. I was still fully clothed as I had literally just walked in the door. So I went over to Him and knelt. He shook His head and said, "That's not what I wanted."

I apologized as that is normally what He wants me to do when He calls me to Him like that. Apparently He had other things in mind. He had me stand up in front of Him and He ran His hands up and down my sides before slipping His hand down and unzipping my jeans. He had them only half way pulled down and He was rubbing my cunt and noticed I was already wet. (I am normally wet but that's besides the point.) So He had me kick off my sandals and He pulled my jeans down the rest of the way and had me step out of them.

At first I thought He was undressing me for no particular reason. He does that sometimes. Just like sometimes He'll have me undress Him when He gets home and then we just chill. It's not necessarily sexual. It's more of a control thing, which I love.

This time He did have sexual intentions. Once my pants and sandals were off He ordered me to the bedroom. Once I was in there I pulled my shirt off as well and laid down. Master had me lay on my side and He pressed His cock against me while He ran His hand up and down my leg, going up to my ribs, and then back down again. All the while He was gently kissing my shoulder. Can I just say how much I love that. I love all the rough stuff too but it's also nice when He is just doing something very soft, gentle, and loving.

He then had me roll onto my stomach and forced Himself inside of me. (From soft to forceful in .03 seconds.) He was not as rough once He was fully inside me and after a while ordered me to cum. Because of the forcefulness of the "entry" I was way too docile to get off. I don't know if that's just how I work, or if other slaves and/or subs are as well. But certain things set me into such a docile mode that I want nothing more than to just be used. When I shook my head no He asked if I just wanted to be used. I nodded my head yes and He became more rough as He knelt up and alternated between pressing down on my ass, pressing down on my hips, or pressing down on my shoulders. He laid on top of me fully again and I crossed my ankles and straightened my legs as much as I could. I know He loves it when I do that. I then began to buck my hips to match His movements. When He came it was a nice growl near my ear, which was lovely.

He had me clean Him off, He scented me and we just laid there for a little while. We were both a bit out of it. Master softly said, "I love you." That made me smile and I said, "I love You too."

Price Check

Yesterday I left work early because ever since I had a tire rotation done on Friday one of the damn tires was shaking. Bad.

So I went back to the place that had done the oil change and tire rotation. They were telling me how I needed a new tire and a new rim. They then basically continued to list other things that I needed done to my car that had nothing to do with the problem what so fucking ever and somehow.. they had never mentioned before even though I've been going to them for 5 years. They recently came under new management and apparently that means that they are now money hungry assholes.

I came home very upset and I was stressed out, crying. All sorts of fun shit. Master gave me a big hug and held me for a while trying to calm me down. When I stopped sobbing and I was just crying Master lifted my head up so I was looking up at Him and told me it would be okay. That we would figure it out.

So.. I talked to my father, my mom and my aunt. See, my dad was a mechanic. My mother was with my father for so long that she knows some shit, and my aunt is married to a mechanic. My father no longer works on cars due to his bad back and feet. My mother has of course never been able to do it. My aunt and uncle live 6 hours away. Yeah. That's not happening.

They all agreed that it was an unbalanced tire. So I went to a different auto care shop. They did a free tire inspection. They told me that there is nothing wrong with my tire or rim. The tire is just unbalanced. So they fixed that. The one thing they did tell me was that my left outer tie rod end needs to be replaced sooner rather than later. This is the one thing that the previous mechanic (who is never getting my business again) never even mentioned to me in their long list of shit. I asked for a price quote on the parts, labor and tire alignment. You can't get a tie rod end replaced without doing an alignment immediately after. They gave me the price quote of $231.90.

So I left the shop because I couldn't afford that right now. On the way home I pushed the car a bit. I went about 10mph over the speed limit in order to test it. I got her just above 55mph and no shaking. None. Awesome.

I knew that I would have to get the tie rod end replaced asap though. I want to get it done on the next paycheck as I have to take the car out to work two out of the five days the week after. The price quote I got today wasn't bad in my opinion. But I still wanted to get a few quotes from other places to see if I could save a buck or two. The first place I called was about $15 cheaper. Then I called another place and it was damn near $90 cheaper. *gasp* I didn't bother trying to shop around any more than that. I made the appointment right then and there for the afternoon of my next payday. That way it's done and I don't have to worry about it not being in the budget due to over spending of any kind.

Bloody Hell

Okay.. so apparently since I have the options to change out my templates I seem to be going through this phase of wanting to find the "perfect" template. The one I have right now (black with grey flowers kind of thing) I think looks really slick. However, there are certain things that I need to tweak before I think it'll be "perfect". I like the fact that it's darker and yet feminine at the same time. And I am dark, yet feminine. So that rocks.

But.. there are just a few things I need to tweak. Such as how to get the login bar to show up at the top. Also, possibly the amount of space between the picture of the commenter and the actual comment on the comments page. I mean I liked the semi purple theme but I noticed that the color of the background didn't flow with the image they had loaded at the top of it. So... yeah. That bothered me. I'm weird that way.

Don't mind my rambling about my blog theme but I had a really rough day and I'm not wanting to dwell on it by blogging about it. So I'm distracting myself with my blog. I'm just smart like that. *nods* Master actually had to remind me to do my post because I was nerding out so much. So I'm sure I'll spend most of the night tweaking the blog.

Opinions?

Okay.. I know I'm a nerd and I know sometimes I want to change out things too much. But... do any of my readers have an opinion on my current blog theme? Like it? Hate it? Should I keep it.. should I change it out...

Lemme know!

Drained

I feel absolutely drained right now. First Master and I went to bed extremely late last night. Some where around 4am. We normally stay up late on Saturdays but usually not that late. Then today we slept in longer than we had intended. It was the afternoon before we woke up. We had errands to run which is why we meant to get up sooner but didn't want to set an alarm. The best thing about the weekend is not having to set up an alarm.

Well, we couldn't get out of the errands so we went anyway. Okay to be perfectly honest some of the errands could have waited but it didn't make sense to skip them since we were right there anyway. First we went to the pet store to get our pup some treats. He has a wheat allergy so he can only have certain kinds of treats. We were right by the game store so we stopped there. Master picked up two games that we in the bargain bin that He has played before and enjoyed. We also put $10 down on a game that He really wants. It doesn't come out until March but this gives us time to chip away at it so we don't need to pay $60 up front.

After that we went to another pet store because they are the only ones who sell our dog's food. Too bad they don't also sell his treats. It would save us a trip. He's worth the extra effort though. He's a great dog.

From there we went to K-Mart. We had gone there to get a bucket and a mop, but I also wanted to look at clothes because I wanted to get a few skirts. I wanted a couple ankle length ones so I could wear them to work. I also thought I'd look cute in ankle length skirts. But Master insisted that I also get some shorter ones, which I of course didn't have a problem with. He wants me to buy more skirts so I get away from wearing jeans all the time. I have no problem with that. I like wearing dresses and skirts, I just don't have many that are non-sluttish. Not that there is anything wrong with slutty skirts. I love those too. But I need skirts that I can wear day to day. Long ones for work and like a little above knee length around family and for when I don't want to wear a thong because my skirt is so short that if I bend over even a little I'm showing my ass.

So while Master is grabbing the other stuff I go into the women's clothing section. It wasn't really listed as "misses", "women's", or "plus size". So I did some digging. I could not find one fucking thing that wasn't a large or extra large. No offense what so ever meant towards women who wear those sizes. I just hate it when I can't find clothes in my size. It's irritating as hell. It was too hot out to go to any other stores that sell clothing so I gave up. This bummed me out because I was actually really looking forward to getting some skirts. It's a rarity for me to go "Yes! I should go clothes shopping!". Normally I hate it. So I get myself all excited about it and then a big let down. *sigh*

Hopefully I can go clothes shopping this upcoming weekend or maybe even some time this week depending on how I'm feeling.

I'm still feeling rather drained due to us being in the heat so much today (some of the stores didn't have their AC on) and I just wanted to relax. I normally love being on the computer but right now I just feel like it's a chore to type. I love my blog and I love blogging but I just don't seem to have the energy right now.

Scratch That Itch

I'm sure most of you know how strapped for cash Master and I normally are. Finances are always extremely tight and so we don't have a lot of "free" money to spoil ourselves with. This month I get two what we call "middle of the month" paychecks. The first paycheck of the month is used to pay rent. After that we have enough for groceries, things we need for the animals and some gas in the car. That's it.

The second paycheck of the month is the one that is used to pay our other bills. Once that is done we can splurge a little bit, but honestly not all that much. Something small, but enough so that we feel a bit of breathing room before the first paycheck of the month again.

This month, as I said, we get two middle of the month paychecks due to how to pay days land. As a result I paid our bills on this one and we spoiled ourselves yesterday by getting a few things we both wanted. That was really nice and it was like a sigh of relief. We spend about $80 on just spoiling ourselves. It felt great. I know that doesn't sound like a lot of money to spoil ourselves with but for us it felt like we had won the jackpot.

And honestly we still have more "free" money to play with. Which is awesome! As a result my brain started ticking away. I'm addicted to tattoos. I have 11 currently and want two more at minimum. And they are both already planned. One is an anklet tattoo. The other is a stylized version of Master's initials. We had tried picking out the placement for the one of His initials before. We finally landed on my right wrist. I wear His cuff on my left wrist. So His initials on my right wrist makes a lot of sense. It'll only be an outline tattoo because I want it to somewhat look like a brand. (I'm not brave enough to actually get a brand done and they normally don't heal the way people hoped they would.)

So since we have more free money I started wondering if I could get it done this month. So I tried calling one tattoo parlor that we used last time. They didn't answer their phone. Since I'm an impatient bitch when it comes to ink I called another place that a lot of people rave about. I've seen their tattoo portfolios online and they do damn good work. Plus this is an extremely simple tattoo it should be great. I talked to a woman on the phone and I explained how I already knew exactly what I wanted and I had it saved on my computer but I don't have a printer. I asked her if I could e-mail it to someone and basically get an over the phone price quote. She said not a problem. So she gave me her e-mail address and I sent it to her. She said simply because it is on the wrist it'll run a little bit more. Placement does effect the price and I already knew that as I've run into it before several times. She also told me it would have to be a bit bigger than I had it so the lines wouldn't be too close together. Again I agreed with her. So she told me it would be $80. Sounded about right to me. Most tattoo parlors minimum price is $50. Since this is a bit bigger and will be on my wrist $80 sounded right to me.

So I did the math. Yes, we could afford it. No, it wouldn't strap us for cash. But they are closed tomorrow and I won't be able to get it during the work week. Next weekend is out. So I talked to Master and He said that maybe on my next paycheck we could get it. So now I'm excited. But if we can't do it I'm not about to go ahead and do it anyway. I'm not that stupid. But I know damn well if I don't get it this month it's going to be quite a while before I'll have that kind of spare cash again. You have to tip after all. So I'm really hoping that I can get it done on my next paycheck. I've wanted His initials done for quite a while now and I know Master wants it done as well. Like I said I really hope it works out this month. If not, I'll be disappointed but there isn't much I could do about it.

Good But Long Day

I got up this morning before my alarm went off. I hate it when that happens. I was up by 6am and headed out to work shortly there after. I only had a four hour work day which was pretty nice. We had plans to meet up with my father-in-law about a half hour after I normally get home. The only problem was that I was running late. The traffic was bad due to an accident on the interstate, so I was home about 15 minutes later than usual. As soon as I got in the door Master and I had to head back out. Literally I was inside the apartment for 5 minutes and went right back out. We were a little late to meet up with His father but only by a few minutes thankfully.

His father also brought one of Master's younger sisters. His father has 5 children (including Master) over three marriages. He had Master with Master's mother. During his 2nd marriage he had a boy and then a girl. With his 3rd wife he had two girls.

He will be 60 in a few weeks and his youngest child is 12 years old. I'm not knocking him or anything, it just boggles my mind.

We all had a great time and in fact we were at "lunch" for two hours just talking and joking around. As soon as we left the restaurant Master and I ran a few errands before going to Car X to get our car an oil change and tire rotation. Unfortunately that took longer than we had thought. I had an appointment set and it still took them almost an hour. On top of that it was in the mid 80s today and all they had was one fan on in the waiting room. Master and I were roasting by the time we left. We then had one last errand to run after that. We really just wanted to go home but the bunnies needed food. So we got that and finally got home at about 5:30pm. So damn near 12 hours later I was sitting at home for the first time.

It was a very long day but also a very good one. I really enjoy spending time with Master's father. It's always a good time. And even though it was just normal errands Master and I joked around and spent most of the time laughing and smiling at each other. I love that man of mine.

Pushing Myself

Although this is only a 2 1/2 day work week, it is kicking my ass. I only have a four hour work day tomorrow, thankfully. But yesterday and today have kicked my tail. I came back to quite a bit of work waiting for me after my four day weekend. Since I carpool to work I have no say in what time I get to work (as long as it's on time) and I have to leave on time as well. So that leaves my lunch hour and cranking out as much work as I possibly can.

Yesterday I only took a 15 minute lunch. Today I took a 20 minute lunch. My lunch "hour" is normally 45 minutes long. And I do not get small breaks during the day. No 15 minute breaks. Just an extended lunch.

But since I was cutting my lunches so short I was busting my ass all day yesterday and all day today without much down time to speak of. As a result tonight I'm tired and sore. I feel worn out and it's only been two days of work. Sometimes I think I push myself too much at work. But I want to do a good job, I want to make a good impression. I want to keep my job and I figure the best way of doing that is to do as much as I can the right way every time. Yes I make mistakes, obviously. But they are minor and few and far between.

As a result, I bust my tail and sometimes it bites me in the ass. (No pun intended.) Tonight is one of those nights. I feel worn out and just kind of blah.

Although tomorrow is looking promising. I only have a four hour work day. Shortly after I get home Master and I are meeting His dad for lunch. We haven't seen him in a few months now so it'll be fun to catch up. After that the car goes in for an oil change. Then? Nothing. We can just chill and have a good time. Saturday we are going down to spend time with my mother. So that should be fun as well.

Well I've spent about 9 hours typing on a computer today at work. So I think I'll cut it short right here.

Feels Like Home

I grew up about 45 minutes away from where I currently live. I was born and raised in my hometown. I lived there until I was 22 years old. The only reason I left was to come up here and live with Master. We were engaged at the time. (Yes, we got engaged before we started living together.) So anyway, up I came. We lived together for two years before we were married. So in total, I've lived up here for 6 years. So 6 years versus 22 years.

I still know parts of my hometown like the back of my hand. There are certain parts that are unchanging and I'm glad that they haven't changed. They were my favorite parts of my hometown. But other parts... there is nothing familiar about them. So I think that may have something to do with it not really feeling like home anymore. I mean it will always be my hometown, and who knows where the future may take Master and I. It may take us to His hometown, or mine. But for now, our home is here.

I really like the area. Everything we need is very close. Within 5 minutes drive time we have two grocery stores, a Walgreens, two gas stations, a dollar store (hush you can find some good stuff at a dollar store) and several fast food joints just in case we feel like something quick and easy. Our bank is at most a 10 minute drive away. Like I said, everything we need is very close to our home. We're spoiled because of it. Whenever we talk about moving we start to ask ourselves if this store is close by, or that store. Like I said, we're spoiled. My job is 45 minutes away, but I do not want to live out by my job. We've talked about it in the past, but eventually both of us agreed that it would be a bad idea. The cost of living out there is much higher.

We want to eventually move out of this apartment. It's not really the apartment that feels like home to me, but the area itself. To me it doesn't really matter what you live in. It could be a house, an apartment, a condo, a trailer.. you get the idea. It's the area that matters. I moved several times in my hometown. It was never the house or apartment I lived in. It was the area surrounding me.

I don't know if that has something to do with the fact that the house I grew up in was foreclosed on when my father left to go live with another woman. He was the bread winner and my mom couldn't afford the two mortgage payments. So they foreclosed on the house. I used to think of that house as my home. I lived in it from the age of 5 until I was 17. That was home. But as soon as I realized that no matter what you live in, it can be taken away. From that point forward I decided that it was the area that mattered. I sometimes pass the house I grew up in and I'll look at it. I have some memories that run through my head, not all of which are happy ones. But that's it. It's nostalgia. Nothing more. It's not home. Never really was. It wasn't the house that mattered.

I'm sure that one day Master and I will move out of this apartment but we already know we'll be staying right around where we are now if we can help it. There are several condo complexes near by as well as townhouses only a little bit further away. Not to mention that there are other apartments and then of course the houses. We'll stay in the area because Master and I have made it our home.

End of a Long Weekend

I am sad to see this long weekend end. I have had the past four days off of work and it has been very relaxing. The extra time with Master has been wonderful. I know that I get to see Him every night when I get home from work and that I get the entire weekend with Master as well. But on the work days I have to do my post, my shower, my exercises, some web surfing to just keep up and then quality time with Master. The nights never seem to be long enough as I have a bed time of 11pm.

But this past four day weekend Master and I have had a lot of time together and it's been wonderful! We talked, watched movies, fucked, joked around and spent some quality time with our dog as well. Since it's been nice out we've started sitting on our porch with our pup tied up so he can roam a bit. Master and I just watch the pup have fun and play while we talk and watch the birds flying by. It's relaxing. Master and I both greatly enjoy nature. Now where our viewing of it is limited on our porch, we at least get to see trees and the birds flying around. It's been too hot to go for walks, so hopefully it'll be cool enough to do that sooner rather than later.

The good thing is that I only have a two and a half day work week due to the four day weekend and this being my half day Friday. This also means I have to cram a lot of work in during those two and a half days. But I'm not worried. I'll just clock in early and either cut my lunches short or skip them all together. No big deal.

Yesterday was spent moving my blog here. It gave me a nerd fix. I've actually enjoyed it. At first I kept the same theme that I had on my old blog. But I ended up not liking it as much as I thought I had before. On my last blog host I was extremely limited by the themes they allowed. I could not upload a new one. Here? I can upload any theme I can find that is compatible with Blogger. Which is fucking awesome! Since I wasn't so hot about my old layout anymore I went theme hunting. I found this one. I love it. It's pretty, it's interesting and it's organized.

I do believe I'll be keeping it. I even got the pictures to show up next to comments for those who have a picture assigned to their profile. Rock the hell on!

Side Note: Due to my changing the color scheme of my blog, I've also updated my background picture on Twitter and changed my avatar picture on both here and Twitter. The nerd in me demands that everything match. And she is a nagging bitch too.

Blog Tweaking

You know, I honestly had forgotten what it was like to tweak a "new" blog. It takes time, patience, a bit of fumbling around... But it's fun. Well, to me anyway. I don't have everything perfect and I'm not really worried about it being perfect because I'm sure even if it was I'd still want to change things here and there. Although I am glad I got to keep the fusion theme. Watch, I'll find a different one later that I like better and have to go through all of this again. Knowing me, that's entirely possible. *sigh*

I'm trying to add more pictures slowly but surely to my pictures page. Yay! I can have a pictures page again! The only problem is that it's a bit time consuming because of how I am having to do it. But that's okay! Once I get used to how to do it, it'll be a piece of cake.

 And no, this does not count as my post for the day. Nerd posts don't count. I just felt like rambling a bit.

Although there is one thing that I have not been able to figure out yet that is driving me insane. I can not figure out how to get avatar pictures to show in the comments section. I have it set up to allow them, my own avatar is uploaded. I don't know if it's part of the coding or what. I've searched through the forums but can't really seem to find a resolution that actually works for me. So.... if any of you happen to know how to do it, please feel free to let me know.

Well Hello There!

Hopefully you have found me by hopping on over from my former blog. All the old posts are here. Well, 99% of them. Some of the stuff from 2007 didn't transfer over because the file was too large. But honestly, you aren't missing much. I didn't post a lot back then, unlike these days where I blog daily.

 One thing that I am very happy about regarding the move is that it isn't so... limiting. I actually paid a yearly fee at WordPress in order to do customer CSS and I could not upload templates. I could only use what they had, regardless of the fact that I was in fact paying in order to customize my site. Oh, but now they had these "premium themes" that you could pay an arm and a leg for. *rolls eyes* Along with some other things that have recently come to light, I decided to jump ship over to Blogger. Which, oddly enough, is where my blog started. I honestly forgot why I moved it to WordPress. I would have saved a lot of time, trouble and headaches if I had just kept my tail here.

Since I'm a nerd, one thing that I totally forgot about with Blogger is that you can customize CSS and upload templates that you have downloaded from a different source. How awesome is that? And I don't have to a pay a penny. That is how I got the theme I used over on WordPress. I am still tweaking some things as my blog just moved today, but I'll get there.

I posted over on my WordPress blog one last time so people could find me and not think that I had fallen off the face of the Earth. I have also updated my link on my Twitter account. Please update your bookmarks and/or links on your blogs so that it comes here.

Nap Time

I got out of work early yesterday. I was home a good two hours earlier than normal. After we ate dinner I was tired because I hadn't slept well the night before. Master was tired because He hadn't slept well either and the sinus medication He takes makes Him sleepy.

So, for the first time in about a year Master and I went to the bedroom, curled up and took a nap. No sex. No molesting. Just curl up, cuddle and pass out. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with fucking before a nap. Hell we do that about once a month. But there is just something... sweet about just curling up to one another to take a nap. I'm sure that sounds very odd, but I think it is sweet.

We got about a two hour nap in. We hadn't set an alarm. Master woke me about five minutes after He got up. It was about 9:30pm already. We got up, I took care of the dog (who had also decided it was nap time) and Master took care of the rabbits. I took my bath and we enjoyed the rest of the evening/early morning just relaxing and talking in between episodes of Pawn Stars on Netflix.

We didn't go to bed again until 4am. But that's one of the best things about having a four day weekend. It doesn't matter how fucked up my sleep schedule is for three of the four days. Oddly enough not having to be in bed by a certain our or getting up to an alarm in the morning is incredibly relaxing to me.

Blast From The Past

I had a different post in mind when I first hopped on here. But as I was about ready to start making the post I heard something on the TV. Master and I have been watching a lot of Pawn Stars. They were talking about a book that someone's semi-famous grandfather had had in his library and had signed the book.

So I commented that my paternal grandmother (the one I was extremely close to) had signed the inside of most of her books. She had a rather large library. She was an English major and was a school teacher. I then told Master about how pretty her handwriting was. Master said that His grandmother had pretty hand writing as well and still had a letter from her.

That immediately click in my head that I believed I still had a letter from my grandmother as well. I rushed to go check. I hadn't looked at it for a long time so I wanted to make sure I still had it. It would have broken my heart if I hadn't.

Thankfully I found the letter and it's still in really good shape given the fact that I was rather young when I got it.

You see, at the time my grandmother was battling cancer. She wasn't in the hospital at that point. Regardless of the fact that she was on a lot of medication and still battling cancer she was always the teacher. She was teaching my baby brother and I how to write a letter properly. Not e-mail. A regular snail mail letter. She wanted to make sure we knew how a letter should be written.

So she had showed us an example one day while we were at our house and asked us to write her letters and mail them to her when we got home. And we did. We would do anything to make her happy and proud. Hell, she's been gone for some time now and I still hope that I make her proud. I honestly believe that she is looking out for me.

The letter made me emotional. I didn't cry but it got pretty close. She wrote this letter 11 months before she passed away.

For some reason I wanted to post what the letter said. This letter was sent to be on March 13, 1993. (The proper way to write a letter is to include the date.) Please keep in mind she was writing this letter to me when I was 10, so she broke it down so I would understand it.

So here is the letter. (It has my brothers name in it so I'll be replacing his name with the word "Brother".)

Dear Granddaughter,

Thank you for your nice letter. I was really happy to receive it.

The cancers are getting smaller. That's really good news. And, no they haven't spread. That's also good news. Next summer they'll take more x-rays of Grandma's chest to see if the tumors are still shrinking. I sure hope so.

I still have some problems breathing because of the medicine I have to take. But it's getting better. By Easter I should not have to take the medicine any more. Then I should start feeling a lot better. That will be just in time for you and Brother to spend the night out here with us.

I'm glad to know you have so many good friends. I bet they are all very special people. It's fun having good friends you can play with and talk too.

We're also very proud of both you and Brother and how well you are both doing in school. We're glad you both like school so much and are working so hard. Keep up the good work. As long as you try your best that's what is important. Sometimes the work is hard and sometimes it is easy. But you always have to try your best.

I'm glad you had such a good time at your parties. You received a lot of nice presents. Your friends were very nice, and seemed to have a good time.

Please give these pictures to Brother. I forgot to give him the pictures when you were out here for the party.

Love you,

Grandma

Gods I miss that woman. When she wrote that letter my brother and I had just had our birthday party. He was born in January and I was born in March. So when we were younger my parents would just have our birthday parties at the same time. I remember that birthday party. We had it at McDonalds and Grandma was there. Wow was she skinny and pale. My grandmother was a rather plump woman before she got cancer. Seeing her that skinny as a kid (I was 10 years old) scared me very much. As you can probably tell when I wrote my letter to her I asked a lot about her cancer because it scared me.

But she didn't make it to the summer of '94. She didn't make it to Easter either. I know she wasn't lying to me in her letter. She was very hopeful. But shortly after this letter was sent to me her cancer did spread and it spread fast. She was in and out of hospital stays from about May of '93 until the day she passed away, which was February of '94. Her wake was on Valentine's Day.

After that letter I never got to sleep at her house again. When she wasn't in the hospital she was in a hospital bed in her living room on oxygen. She was too weak to walk around or sit upright. When she did come to our place she was in a wheelchair with her oxygen tank. She let us decorate the stand that she wheeled around the oxygen tank in with stickers. She said she wanted us to sleep over but she was so tired all the time and she didn't want us to be bored. We promised we wouldn't be bored but our parents said no, Grandma needs her rest.

The saddest part, to me, about her passing was the fact that she was due to come home two weeks later. She was in remission and the only reason she was still in the hospital was to help her get some strength back. She was in physical therapy when her heart gave out. It had been weakened from all the medication and chemo therapy. She had a massive heart attack and died in the physical therapy room. They weren't able to bring her back. We had made banners, which were already hung up at her house. It must have been extremely hard on my grandfather to take those down. We had plans to pick her up with Grandpa so we had also made signs to show her as she came out to the car. We kept them until about a year later. I was still 10 because my birthday wasn't until March. So it's been 17 years. Seventeen very, very long years. She was my heart. And I hope to see her again one day.