Drugged

As I'm sure most of you know, I'm bipolar. I didn't know until last year. I mean, I've always known something wasn't quite right because of my violent mood swings and illogical reactions to certain things. But I wasn't diagnosed until about September of last year.

The symptoms were getting worse. I had been diagnosed with depression as a teenager, but that didn't explain all the other stuff. Master encouraged me to find help. So I did. It was honestly a hit to my pride in a way, needing help. But when you need it, you need it. There are no two ways about it. I am now medicated. I've been on the medication for about a year now, although the dosage has varied to try and find the one that is right for me. Currently I'm on 225 milligrams. I have an appointment with my shrink coming up so I'm sure that we'll talk about that. He did say the last time I was in that he may want to add a supplemental medication to what I'm currently taking. So, who knows.

It is kind of weird knowing that not only am I on medication, but that I'll need medication for the rest of my life. I'm not sure what would happen if I stopped taking the pills, but I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty. I've never missed a dose. I have an alarm set so I don't forget to take it. I also now have a pill organizer so there is one slot for every day of the week. It's a lot easier with the organizer as I am currently taking 1 1/2 pills. Other wise I wouldn't be at the 225 milligram mark.

I wonder what my shrink will say and/or want to do the next time I see him. I like him. He's a good doctor and is easy to talk to, which helps a lot. It also helps that he's somewhat close to home. I would say a 15 to 20 minute drive at most.

But for some reason today I started to realize that I really do need to be medicated for the rest of my life. Unless somehow they find a cure for bipolar disorder. A lobotomy perhaps? That might work. Then I'll just have to drool on myself and stare at pretty colors all day. Score.

But seriously, it just hit me for some reason. I probably should have been on this medication a lot sooner, but I started taking them at 27 years old. How long will I live? No idea, obviously. But.. probably quite some time yet. Okay, lets say I make it to 75. Then I'll have been on some form of medication for 48 years. By that time I'll have taken roughly 17,280 pills. And that's if I only continue to take one medication.

That's a shit ton of pills. Seriously. I'm not saying I'm going to stop taking my meds. I can't. And I don't want to go back to being as fucked up as I was before hand. Now, I'm crazy lite. I'm not too bad. I still have some bad days, but they are no where near as bad as they were a year and a half ago. Holy fuck.

Why this stuck in my head today, I have no idea. But damn. That's a long time to be medicated.