Cat Got Your Tongue

Master has always wanted me to be more vocal, in general as well as during sex. And during sex does note equal the following:

"Hey, can we like.. ya know move my leg? It's starting to cramp up. Thanks."

It means that He wants me to talk like a nasty whore. His whore to be more specific.

And for some reason I'm normally just not able to say more than a few things here and there. The rest of the time I'm moaning or growling. (Yes, I growl during sex sometimes.. but not nearly as often as Master does..)

But last night, I was saying all kinds of dirty things and Master was totally digging it. And oddly enough, so was I. The more I said, the more I got turned on, which made me want to say more dirty things. It turned into this really interesting cycle. But I know for a fact that the thing that turned me on the most was how Master was responding to it.

It was hot to say the least.

Right after sex I had this incredible full body buzz going, and I was just completely relaxed. I loved it. Master said that He had the same thing going on, so rock on there.

I'm hoping that this means that I can start talking dirty to Master more often.

The only thing I think I'm ever really worried about is sounding stupid, or like a really bad porno. Which I guess is kind of the same fear, huh?

But last night it was just flowing out of me, and I didn't feel stupid. And I didn't feel like I sounded like a bad porno. So yay!

So... practice makes perfect right? I'm hoping for a lot more practice. ;-)

Still Alive

Yes, I'm still here.

Since late Thursday night we have been dealing with computer problems that I could not fix myself. This is rare, but it does happen. I'm not a computer genius or anything but normally the problems are small enough that I can fix it.

Well in this case I could not. So I have spent a shit load of time on the phone with tech support. Today, finally, it was fixed. So after I was off the phone with tech support we had to do some more tweaking to get the comp back where it was, but now it's all done.

I hate having computer problems. It is one of the few forms of entertainment we have. We have this, the Xbox 360, a DVD player, and Netflix. Oh. And books. So when the computer goes down, it's just crazy around here cause we're bored. You never realize how addicted you are to something until you can't do it.

So anyway, I had another therapy appointment last night. It went really well. In two weeks I'm seeing the doc who can prescribe medication. I was supposed to see JD after that but she said due to our financial constraints, and knowing that I am at least seeing the doc she felt okay with letting me cancel her appointment. She did say that she is recommending to the doctor that he put me on medication right away.

A lot of what we talked about is how the only reason I'm seeking help is because of how much it is affecting my marriage. I told her flat out that if I were single, I probably wouldn't have sought help. She said she understood, and is glad that I have Master as a support system.

I had to run a couple of errands after the appointment so I didn't get home until almost 8pm, which kind of sucked. But at least everything got done.

I put on a pair of my thigh high boots last night, which Master seemed to really enjoy.

I think if I ever buy a pair of thigh highs again though, they are going to be fabric. That shiny stuff is just not that comfortable. I for whatever reason can not think of the material right now. Apparently talking to tech support so damn much has drained my mental capabilities.

So for now I think I'll end this post. I might post again later on tonight if something pops up into my brain.

Selfish

Master always says that I'm not selfish enough.

Let that sink in for a minute. *laughs* He says that I don't think about things I want, unless it's for the apartment. Which is true. If He tells me to try and think of something I want my mind immediately goes to a new computer, new computer desk, new TV... shit like that.

So for some reason this thought started bouncing around my brain today, and I decided maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing if I started "window shopping" for stuff I would like for myself. Things to make myself smile a bit, that isn't a tattoo.

And by window shopping, I of course mean web window shopping. Going to the mall to just look can be okay, but it gets boring and I hate all the crowds of people who just annoy the hell of me.

So my first thought went to boots. I'm not talking thigh highs. (Sorry Master.) I mean boots that I don't have to sit there and think how much walking I'm going to do that day when I start wondering if I should wear them. My bitch boots (thigh highs) kill my feet after a while. Like bad. As in, "Holy shit if I have to take one more step I'm going to scream!" bad.

That's why I've only ever really worn them for Halloween, some photo shoots with Master, and a few times going out to the bars.

Mainly they just kind of sit there in the closet. Which I know sucks for Master cause He loves me in them. I'm thinking about breaking them out this weekend at some point, to go with some lingerie.

But anyway, back to my web window shopping...

Boots. I use to have a kick ass pair of tan cowboy type boots. I loved them. I wore them all the time. But they wore out fast, cause I scuffed the shit out of them one day when I was walking home from the bus stop and tripped. That pissed me off. I wouldn't mind a nice pair of Dingos. Master swears by Dingos.. but I haven't found a pair of women's Dingos boots that I really like yet, that don't give me complete and total sticker shock.

So they are no longer with me. And I miss those boots. So here are some I like. (I'm only posting links.. not pics.)

I'm not usually one for ankle boots but something about these caught my eye.

And then there is these strappy boots which I think are awesome!

These aren't boots but I think they are really nice!

As you can see I really like Charlotte Russe.

These rock. Totally.

I also really like this pair.

Yeah. I think if I had the money, I would totally end up buying a lot of boots. I've never been one of those women who owns a lot of purses or shoes. But I love boots. I didn't really know that about myself until after I started dating Master.

Now I realize how much I love them, especially ones that look cool but are also functional. But they have to have a heel to them.

I think I have a goal besides replacing stuff in the apartment. Getting new boots when we have enough money.

All Smiles

Today once again I woke up in a great mood. I'm sure part of it has to do with the fact that Master and I fooled around last night.

And it also helped that today was kind of like my Thursday, since I have Friday off of work. So that's a bonus.

I don't really have a lot to say today. But for for whatever reason I couldn't stop myself from smiling several times today, for no apparent reason. I was just sitting there working away, and next thing I know I'm smiling like an idiot. Good thing I work in a cubicle and don't have to worry about people looking at me funny when I do weird shit like that.

At least this is better than when I'm ready to cry for no reason what so ever. I hate those days.

I have an appointment on Friday with JD, my shrink. It's not until late in the evening, but that's not really a bad thing. It'll give me the day with Master.

I do have to say that I am really sick of hearing about football. And I'm also really sick of hearing about Paranormal Activity 2. Several people have told me that between that and Paranormal Activity (the first one)... they are the scariest movies they have ever seen.

And I've responded every time with, "If you think those are the scariest horror movies, you don't know horror movies."

I love horror movies. They are my favorite genre. Hellraiser is my all time favorite movie series. Hands down.

Thankfully Master really loves horror movies as well. It's always sad when a guy gets more scared or creeped out by a horror movie than you do... *laughs* With Master that just doesn't happen. Ever.

 

Connecting

My mood has stayed more in that up swing lately, which I'm enjoying and I'm sure Master is as well.

We've been trying to spend more quality time together, rather than just being in the same room doing our own things. And this is a wonderful thing in my eyes.

But one thing that kind of sucks is that we're still broke and I think going out on a "date" would be nice. I don't just mean dinner. I mean more like a planned evening where we maybe see a movie, grab some food, maybe some drinks... But all that takes money.

I use the word "date" loosely. We've been together for 7 1/2 years now, so that whole dating period of our relationship is over. But I still find it nice to have a night out with Him when we can.

So hopefully, some day soon, the financial situation will start to look up and we'll be able to do that.

This weekend originally was just going to be more of the same, just us doing our thing. But my dad called and wanted us to come down on Sunday. At first I didn't want to go, because I really can not stand his current girlfriend or her whorish (in a bad way) daughters.

But my dad for some reason is starting to really get into this whole "family" thing and misses us. I think maybe it's because he's getting older. Or maybe it's because I'm older and he thinks we can hang now.. or whatever. But it was that "I miss you guys and I havn't seen you in over a month.." that made me give in. So we're going down there on Sunday.

On the one hand I think it'll be okay, because it'll get us out of the house and I really do love my dad. But on the other hand I didn't really want to do much but just kind of chill with my Hubby. I know we've been doing that a lot lately, but things have been kind of screwy around here for us.

And I mean aside from my moods. I mean that Master hurt His neck somehow, and then almost as soon as that was feeling better His knee started fucking with Him, and is still fucking with Him.

And with me, my lower back has been hating me and letting me know it. My sinuses have been kicking my tail and making me tired... Blah.

So there hasn't been a lot of energy and/or lack of bad pain for us to get our freak on as often as we would like.

The upside to this is that I have Friday off work, so we get that whole day together, and it gives me a three day weekend. So I'm hoping that by the time Thursday night rolls around Master's knee is a bit better, and my sinuses quick fucking with me so much.

Priorities

It seems that I am one of those people that tries to put everything else in a higher priority position than myself. I believe this is one of the things that attracted me to the M/s lifestyle, that and kinky sex. Not to mention structure.

I already did it naturally, nine times out of ten, so why not make a lifestyle choice out of it?

My list of priorities are as follows:

1. Master's health


2. Master's needs


3. Master's wants


4. My health


5. My needs


6. My wants

(Author note: Master is currently telling me He does not agree with the order in which I have put these.) And He should stop reading over my shoulder when I'm in the middle of writing a post. *laughs*

As the "author note" that Master had me write is saying.. I know this priority list is screwy. I know that my health should rank equal with His. And I am working on changing that. Hence why I am trying to take better care of myself, it's just that even with health insurance co-pays and deductibles are a bitch sometimes.

And it drives Him batty when He asks me if I want something, and I say no. Or He points out something He knows I'll like and ask me if I want it and at first I get that glint in my eye like, "Yes! I totally do!" but then my mouth opens and I say, "No thanks babe." Why? Cause I know we could use that money to get something He wants, or get something we could both use.

I put His needs and wants first. Then I put the needs of the household second. Then I put my needs and wants third, as far as material things go.

I'm slowly trying to change that. But I do have to admit I would be more excited about getting something for us/the apartment than I would be getting something strictly for me. That's just how I am.

For instance I'm already waiting for His mother to start asking us what we want for the holidays. And if she asks I already know I'm going to ask for a nice cookware set, rather than for something I want just for me. Going for practical stuff lately seems to be more my tastes rather than just stuff for me.

Weird isn't it? But I've read about other slaves/subs thinking and/or feeling this way as well. So I know I'm not alone on this one.

About the only thing that overrides this thought process is body modification. If I have the choice of either getting something for the apartment that can wait... or getting myself a new tattoo or new body jewelry, guess what wins. Hell yes, the tattoo or body jewelry! Addictions and all that, ya know?

A Little More Rough, If You Please

Last night Master and I retired to the bedroom long enough to fuck. He started me off on my stomach and at first was going kind of slow and gentle. I wasn't reacting much, not because it didn't feel good.. because it did.. it just wasn't my mood at the time.

But I figured it was His mood, so I didn't say anything. He asked if something was wrong and I told Him no, which was an honest answer. Nothing was wrong. Everything felt fine. I just assumed it was one of those rare times where He was more in the mood to be gentle and go a bit slower, and mine was the exact opposite. In those moments I normally don't say anything because hey, He's the Master. His mood takes priority. Right? Right.

So He started going a little rougher, without me having said a word and I reacted more and got off. He then flipped me onto my back and went back to a bit more gentle.

He again asked me if something was wrong. Another honest answer passed my lips, but this one had more of an explanation behind it. I simply said, "No Sir, nothing is wrong. It's just that I'm not really in the mood for gentle and slow right now. That's all."

To which He said, "Why didn't you just say so?" and proceeded to fuck the hell out of me, having me cum several more times before reaching His own orgasm.

Weird how that works isn't it? I don't think rough and fast was how He originally wanted to do things, but after I opened my mouth He was all about it.

Maybe it was knowing I wanted it, made Him want it too. Or maybe it was my reactions.. I have no idea. Like I said it's really rare for our moods to start off different when it comes to sex. So when it does happen I just go along with what He wants. Apparently He does not want me to do that. He seems to want me to tell Him what I want, and then it's up to Him to decide if He wants to do that.. or stick with His original mood.

So I'll have to keep that in mind for the next time that happens.

Travel

I have not traveled much in my 27 years. There were no such things as family vacations when I was growing up. The closest we ever got to one was going to Minnesota to go to a junk yard for a windshield for my dad's project car. The second closest we ever got to one was driving 6 hours north to visit my aunt because we hadn't seen her in a long time and my mother missed her a lot. Even then we didn't do anything but stay at her house.

It's sad really. The only vacation I've ever been on is our honeymoon. And it was the best three days that I have ever had in my life.

Master, on the other hand, has traveled quite a bit. He had a great deal of wanderlust before I met Him. And His family, when He was growing up, did go on actual vacations.

So there is a huge difference between us there.

But whenever I bring up, to our friends that I would love to travel some day when I have the money they all talk about the typical shit. "Jamaica! Vegas! Amsterdam!"

Such things don't really pull me in. I have no need or want to go to those places. I don't want to go to the tourist traps. That sounds incredibly boring to me. I'm not a big drinker. I refuse to get drunk. I've been drunk twice in my life and I hated how I was. And I have never gambled. I've never even stepped foot into a casino. When I had the money I was too young. Since I've turned 21 I've never had the money to go, or when I did it seemed like a waste of money.

So, the question that may be tickling your brain is, "So... where do you want to go?"

I have always been drawn to the natural things. I want to see great natural wonders. The other thing that interests me are ancient things. Seeing real castles and old fortresses. Old lighthouses. I have a thing for lighthouses.

Things of that nature.

The closest "want" I've ever had that is a tourist trap is to go to Sea World. And that's only because I love the water and the animals in it. They fascinate me. I've never seen an ocean. Just lakes and rivers. The biggest of course being Lake Michigan.

But I would love to go to Alaska. Most of the state is untouched and beautiful. I would love to go to Canada, but not the cities. I want to go into the Canadian wilderness. I'd love to go to Germany, although that is one thing I'm almost 100% sure will never happen.I don't speak German and I'm not sure I would feel comfortable relying on a translator.

I want to go to the Badlands. I want to see Devil's Tower.

One thing that surprises me is that there are a few natural wonders that I have no wish to see. The grand canyon being one of them. And I refuse, flat out refuse to see Mount Rushmore. I am too afraid I wouldn't be able to stop crying. Those were/are sacred hills. And they are now defiled by faces that are carved into the side of it.

Call me unpatriotic if you want. But lets see how Catholics would like it if we went to the Vatican and carved a giant Star of David into the side of it and prevented them from being able to get rid of it. I'm not saying that Mount Rushmore is a Christian monument. It is simply the best analogy I could come up with right now.

Okay.. getting off of the religion topic...

I want to go to all of these amazing, natural places. Meanwhile most of the people I talk to want to go to LA, or New York, or Vegas. And why would I want to travel to see more buildings? Because they are bigger? Why would I want to travel simply to go shopping? Or eat in fancy resturants? Or see shows I can watch from my living room?

When instead, I can travel to places and see things I have no chance or experiencing here at home. That makes much more sense to me.

Up Swing

Last night ended in a calmer state than it had started. And this morning I woke up in a great mood. Odd thing that.

But I've stayed in the great mood all day. For no apparent reason. So I think it's fair to say that I'm in an up swing at the moment. This morning before I left for work, I sent an e-mail to Master (who was sleeping in our bedroom down the hall..) to tell Him about the mood change. It was short, sweet, and to the point. But in doing that I thought perhaps if there is a dramatic change in my mood, I can do that every time. Not only will it give Him a heads up, and hopefully lead to less mis-communications.. but it'll help track my moods. The down swings, the up swings, the just kind of there swings. Etc.

Master got a hold of me during the work day and said that He felt it was a good idea as well. It doesn't take long, but it has the chance to go a long way in helping me.. and helping Him as well.

Tonight when I got home from work we had dinner and have been relaxing most of the evening, watching Netflix.

It's almost 10:30pm and so far I'm not tired.

Totally changing subjects here but I just wanted to say that while I love the Fall, I hate the fact that it causes my skin to be come extremely dry. Blech. It's itchy damnit. I'm trying not to scratch a lot, with my nails even when they are short I have a tendency to just scratch the hell out of myself. And that sucks too.

We basically have nothing at all going on this weekend, but I'm hoping that it doesn't go by as quickly as last weekend did.

Master does have a job interview on Sunday though. So that's good news. Here's hoping it goes well.

STFU & STFD

Master and I got into an argument this evening. I'm not going to go into everything surrounding it, or the details. But I will say that He had a very good point.

See, I had started the argument aggressively. He told me to knock it off cause I was looking for a fight. So I did. For a very short period of time. And then, in my infinite wisdom, attempted to bring the subject(s) up again... in a calm tone. See I thought I was trying to have a conversation. But I wasn't. I was having an argument. It just wasn't with my voice full of venom.

So towards the end of it Master said that I need to learn when to just drop it, and pick it up again (if it is necessary) when we both have had time to calm down.

See I had calmed down, or thought I had, but He had not.

And I know He doesn't calm down that fast. So I should have left well enough alone.

For that I am sorry. And He's right. I need to learn when to STFU and STFD.

Stupid Arm

Today started off well enough. Although I didn't want to get out of bed. The bed was nice and warm, my Husband was gently snoring and looked comfy. I just wanted to lay back down and curl up with Him for a while longer. But duty called.

The minute I moved the comforter off me I regretted it. It was cold outside of the bed!

But I got up, got ready for work, and headed out. The sucky part of the day actually started right before my lunch break. All of a sudden I had this shooting pain going from my right shoulder, down my arm, to my wrist. And it has not stopped since that point. Sometimes it's more of a dull ache, but just when I get use to it, all of a sudden the shooting pain comes right back.

I have no idea what caused it. I didn't slam against anything, I didn't do anything unusual.. it just came out of nowhere. And it's still there.

Sometimes I wish I could turn off my nerve endings so I could teach my limbs a lesson when they are pulling shit like this. But that's the problem with your body revolting against you. You only punish yourself if you try to punish said limb.

It just makes doing my job difficult since I have to type a lot and do a lot of repetitive movements.

Speaking of which typing right now is not helping. Tomorrow, a better blog post.

Nervous About Treatment

As you know from this post, I have started therapy. My next appointment is next week Friday. That's also rent week, so I already know finances are going to be extremely tight. But I'm sure I can scrounge up the copay. I don't want to miss an appointment.

During my last appointment the therapist.. we'll call her JD, told me that she does not feel I suffer from depression, but from Cyclothymia. Since that time I have done some research on it. If you want, you can read more here. They describe it as relatively mild. And compared to full on bi-polar disorder, it is. But that doesn't make it any fun.

I know what some of you must be thinking. How, after one appointment, can a therapist possible be able to give a diagnosis. And normally I would agree. But JD seems on top of her game and after doing research I am highly inclined to agree with her diagnosis.

It started shortly after I hit puberty, which is when it normally becomes noticeable.

JD did say that medication for me would be a good idea. She did not name any drugs, but I looked into what is most commonly prescribed for people with this disorder, and it seems lithium is the drug of choice. Some of the side effects related with it (although rare) are kind of scary. But really, what side effects aren't? Even with over the counter medications.

But there is no use in wondering about the side effects for that drug because of two things mainly:

1. I don't even know if that is what they are going to give me.

2. If they do I don't know what dosage.

So I have to wait. My next appointment won't be one where I get a prescription anyway. That's the one that is currently three weeks away and that's only if the doctor I see decides to write a script for me.

So why am I nervous about treatment? Well, it's not the therapy. Talking isn't a problem. I don't particularly enjoy it, but it does seem to help so far.

It's the drugs. What if I'm not the same person after? I mean I know it's going to alter me in some way.. other wise what's the point of taking it? But what if I'm.. like a totally different person. That thought scares me a little.

I'm not saying I won't take the medication if it is deemed necessary. In fact at this point I'm hoping it is. Because I don't see how just talking is going to help stabilize my moods.

But the thought still makes me nervous. I'm sure most of it is due to old programming. When I was in my early to mid teens I was on anti-depressants, a sleep aid, muscle relaxers, pain killers, migraine medication.. the list continues. Eventually I just felt like a zombie. I hated it. Hated it.

But the doctors weren't listening to me back then. And I'm not on all those pills anymore. Most doctors don't listen to a 14 year old. They figure they know better, even though they aren't feeling what the 14 year old is feeling.

But I'm 27 now. And JD seems awesome and more than willing to listen and she vouched for this doctor I have to see. Hell, they are part of the same clinic.

So I have more control. Not only am I an adult, but if the doctors won't listen to me, my Husband sure in the hell will and He'll help me. I know He will.

 

 

Patience

People who know me probably don't think I have a lot of patience. Hell, people who don't really know me probably don't think I have a lot of patience.

But I think I do. Maybe not an endless supply of it. But I think I have the ability to be a very patient person. Sometimes the patience wears thin and I explode or say fuck it. But I think that's anyone.. not just me.

You have to have patience in your job, normally. I have to have a lot of patience in my job. I can't just scream at the client to pull their head out of their asses. That would be bad.

I think working in the customer service jobs I've had has helped me build that necessary level of patience. I do not miss customer service. But sometimes, client services is worse.

Anyway.

Patience is needed in a lot of areas in life, generally speaking. You should be patient with your family, with your significant other, etc.

I know that Master has quite a bit of patience with me, as I do with Him. If we didn't we wouldn't have gotten this far.

And normally I have no problem having patient with my loved ones.

It's strangers I have a problem having patience with. I am a lot more likely to go off on someone I don't know than someone I do know. I think part of the reason why is because I don't have to deal with that person later. So it doesn't matter how I react. I'm not saying that I go off on every little thing, because I don't. But if I'm getting extremely shitty customer service... yeah. They are going to hear it. If someone is being a jack ass to me, they'll hear it.

But it amazes me, honestly, how much patience one person can have. Master can be one of the most patient people in the history of patient people... when He wants to be. And sometimes I wonder how He can stand it.

But I'm sure He wonders the same thing about me, because He and I can be patient about things that will drive the other right up a damn wall.

And the flip side of that coin is that something will send me right over the edge and He'll wonder why... and the same goes in reverse.

I just find such things interesting.

I think Master's obsession with understanding how the mind works is rubbing off on me a little bit.

Just Say It Already

Our friend BC has been with his current girlfriend for almost a year and a half now. He plans on purposing on their 2 year anniversary. He has already purchased the ring.

The problem is that he still hasn't told her that he loves her. So yeah, popping the question may seem a little awkward.

So he came over to our place tonight. Master is like... his mentor in a way.

They have been best friends for 20+ years. I have known BC almost as long as I have known Master, give or take a few months.

So he came over to talk about this mental block he has regarding telling her that he loves her. He feels it. She knows he feels it, just because of his actions. But he just hasn't been able to bring himself to say it to her.

While he was here he admitted that his mental block is because of past experience. He doesn't have a great track record with relationships. In fact, he is 34 years old and this is the longest relationship he's ever had.

His past experience, in his mind, is that as soon as he said those three words "I love you" the relationship went to shit. And he's scared that's going to happen now. My whole point was that she has already said it to him, constantly, and eventually if he doesn't start saying it back she is going to grow frustrated, think the relationship isn't going anywhere and leave him. Which I'm pretty sure would kill him inside.

So there was a lot of talk, mainly between BC and Master. I was trying to stay out of that side of things as much as possible and waited to speak until later when the mood was a bit lighter.

But it sounds like he's finally going to go ahead and say it to his girlfriend. Which is wonderful. And I honestly think it'll help his relationship with her in ways he hasn't even thought of yet.

So best of luck to him.

He stayed afterward, we had dinner, and we joked around. He stayed until about 9pm and headed home.

It's now a little past 10pm and I am not the least bit tired. I'm hoping that I get tired before 2am because I have to work tomorrow and as long as I'm in bed by that time I'll get four hours of sleep.

It's so hard resetting your internal clock each week. But I enjoy staying up late on the weekends and don't see myself giving that up anytime soon.

Other than that there isn't a lot on my mind. I seem to have writer's block at the moment. Tomorrow, if I'm not overly busy at work, I'll hopefully think of a topic to write about.

We Make Quite the Couple

For the past few days my hips had been bothering me. First the left, then the right. Now it's starting to feel better and it's mainly just a tightness in my left thigh which I really don't understand at all. But at least I'm not limping anymore.

Master on the other hand has been dealing with a lot of neck pain lately. It started early this past week. It's mainly at the base of His skull but is radiating down His neck, sometimes into His shoulders. I think He pulled a tendon in His neck but I'm not really sure how He did it.

The first few days were the worst. He would get dizzy and lightheaded rather easily and the pain was intense. Now? He still gets lightheaded but not as often, and that pain isn't as sharp.

I'm a bit worried about Him, but He says He'll be fine. He doesn't want to go to a doctor, a walk-in clinic or the hospital. So He's just waiting it out. I'm making sure He's okay though and tonight I'll be working on His back to at least try and get some of the tension there to go away.

It has gotten progressively less worrisome through out the week, but there isn't a lot I can do to help either. Well, besides working on His neck and/or back. I have this pain relieving cream but He really doesn't like the smell of it. So hot showers and stretching His neck here and there is about all He can do.

Because The Voices In My Head Told Me To

I have a sense of humor, apparently. *smiles*

Today I had my first therapy session. Master wanted to come with me, but I didn't want Him sitting in a waiting room for an hour with nothing but random magazines that He normally wouldn't read surrounding Him.

So I headed out, pulled out the money for my copay and went to the appointment. I was afraid I was going to be late due to traffic, but thankfully I was still able to get there 15 minutes early.

They had sent the new patient paperwork to me in the mail, so thankfully that part was already taken care of. So all they needed was my copay and a copy of my insurance card. I really, really like having health insurance. I don't even want to think about how much this would have cost me without it.

I was only waiting about five minutes before the psychotherapist called me back. She offered me coffee, which I politely declined. I instantly liked this woman. She reminded me of my paternal grandmother in a way. She's very motherly.

She asked a lot about my family history, both medically and just how life was for me growing up. That dominated most of the conversation. She also asked about my marriage, my job, how I react to situations etc.

She asked if I had ever been in therapy before. And I told her that I was from when I was 13 to about 15 or 16. I had gone for depression but that it didn't seem to help. The medication made me feel like a zombie. Etc.

Towards the end of the session, she told me that she doesn't feel I suffer from depression. She feels that I am bipolar. I don't have the extremes of mania or severe depression where I just can not function. But she said that there are varying degrees of bipolar disorder.

After her explanation as to why she feels I am bipolar I am inclined to agree with her. After that dream I had, where I found myself again, I felt up. I felt very up. I honestly was thinking to myself "I don't need medication. I'm fine. I'm in a great mood! Everything is great!"

But Master told me I was keeping the appointment because these things come in cycles with me. And I know He is right, and that I do need the help.

When I'm down, I'm down.. but I can function. I don't really care about much, but I will do what has to be done. When I'm up... I'm up. Not totally hyper and/or self destructive, but it's pretty intense. And when switching from the manic periods I can get irrationally angry or irritated for no apparent reason.

The psychotherapist also told me that she feels I would benefit from medication. She said that she does not write prescriptions but that she works with two doctors within the same clinic that do, and that they collaborate on patient cases. She said that she wants to see me once every two weeks and so at the end of the session she walked me out to the reception area and set up our next three appointments as well as an appointment with the doc who can get me on some medication.

She was glad that I was open to being put on medication. And I simply said that was the main reason why I wanted to start therapy, because I apparently can not handle this on my own anymore. Or maybe I never really could.

I really like her. And her office is not that far from home, so it seems I hit one hell of a lucky streak regarding this. I was afraid I was going to dislike her, and not want to go back. But she's great.

And one thing that she explained, which I relayed to Master, was that nothing I tell her will leave that office, unless she feels I am suicidal or homicidal. If either of those happen she'll call Master, and if they can't convince me to go to a hospital, she will call the police to have them escort me to one.

I think that made Master feel better. It also made me feel better, for some reason. Like.. if things did get that extreme Master would have back-up. Because I obviously would not be in my right mind. He may need it. I don't think things will ever get that far gone, but you never know.

So here is hoping that therapy continues to go so well, and that we can find a medication that will help me but not have too many adverse side effects.

*Added later*

I found the word she used! I knew she said a specific type of bipolar disorder but for the life of me I couldn't remember the damn word! So I searched this morning and found it. She said she believes I have Cyclothymia. I will have to do more research on this. I want to be prepared when I go back in two weeks to discuss this with her and actually know something about it. She also said that part of the reason why she feels I was misdiagnosed when I was younger was because no one really questions the "manic" periods when they are not extreme. That and they probably just thought I was being a normal teenage girl. Add on top of that.. my therapist at the time was not listening to me and I did not feel I could be completely open because my mother sat in on all of the sessions.

Dirty Laundry

Every couple, regardless of marital status or dynamic has fights, arguments, call them what you will.

Master and I, nine times out of ten, try to diffuse the situation before it becomes a knock down drag out fight. That tenth time we let anger and pride get in the way and it can get ugly. But we always make sure to revisit it when we're both calmer and talk and apologize, and work it out.

That's what you do. You work it out, you move past it, and that's that.

One thing that I have never understood are the people who air their dirty laundry.

On a blog? That's one thing. I've done that, and I know this. But a blog (such as this.. maybe not so much if it's something where everyone knows who you are and your family and friends all read it) is a somewhat anonymous venting space. It is your space after all, and sometimes you just need to vent and get it all out.

I can do that here. My family (obviously) does not read this, nor do any of my friends that I have offline. So as I said, it's anonymous to a point.

If you are, however, on a networking site.. where your family and "real" friends, possibly coworkers, have access to everything you post.. that's another story entirely.

For someone to post something very nasty, and spiteful about their spouse or long-term significant other... is just disrespectful in my eyes.

I was raised that you don't fight in front of anyone, except for maybe your close family members. Why the close family? Because they understand to a point. At least that's how I always saw it.

But mostly, it's something that should be done when the two of you are alone. It's private. Venting is one thing, to a close friend or family member. But to actually have the fight in front of others is... uncomfortable. Mainly for the other people. And it can cause uncomfortable times in the future.

People say things in the heat of the moment that they don't mean at all, and only said because they were pissed off and were lashing out. But if you do that in front of other people, or publicly, you can't take it back. There are witnesses now. And it's going to be a lot more difficult to apologize because not only did you hurt that person, but other people were there when it happened, so now you've added insult to injury.

Master and I have gotten mad at one another in front of other people. But all it takes is a "We'll talk about this later" or.. even simpler.. a look, and that's the end of it. And normally by the time we are alone, we've already calmed down enough to talk and not yell or try and take cheap shots.

We have never fought in front of anyone. Ever. He feels the same way that I do. It's something that is private and should be handled between the two of you, with no one to encourage or take sides. Or to be there and point all that shit out later.

This morning on a networking site where our family and friends post and what not.. one of Master's siblings and their spouse got into one hell of a nasty fight that went on for three posts, with multiple comments on each. It was... insane. And I just could not believe how bad it actually got.

Their family, friends, and coworkers saw all of it.. and commented on most of it as well.

I just shook my head when I saw that. I could not believe my eyes. I'm not saying you should put on a false happy face if you are not happy within your marriage or relationship. That is a lie. And it's not healthy, for anyone involved.

But these two particular individuals seem to go through periods where they are all lovey dovey, and then... a day or two later, are ripping each other's throats out.

Master and I have our rough times. Our marriage is not perfect, because that is impossible. But we have a healthy marriage. And we aim to keep it that way.

I don't understand why you would want to drag out your dirty laundry for all of your family and friends to see, and be able to revisit since you typed it all out and haven't deleted any of it. I just... don't understand. I'm honestly baffled by it.

Men Need Not Apply

I signed up on two more dating sites last night, trying to look for a female playmate. It shouldn't be this damn difficult. But a lot of women on these sites just don't seem to be looking for fun. They seem to be looking for one of two things:

1) A committed and exclusive relationship. I wish them luck. I do. It's just not what I'm looking for at all.

2) A threesome for them and their man. Again. No.

It also seems that I only attract men on these sites. Seriously. I get a notification e-mail every time someone checks my profile. And it's always guys.

Thankfully I have blocked any men from contacting me.

It use to be so easy to meet a girl who was looking to just experiment or have fun. Female fuck buddies. But then again that was when I was a teenager, and we'd have sleepovers or my parents (or their parents) didn't have a problem leaving us alone in the house.

*sigh*

I'm not giving up or anything. I'm just... frustrated. Sometimes I think about going to the gay bars here in town, when I have the money to actually buy drinks. But I'm not honestly sure how that will go. Since well.. I'm not gay. And I don't really want to go by myself. I might try it anyway, when finances are more stable.

That is, if I don't find someone between now and then. A girl can hope right? Right.

So.. which of my readers wants to fly here and have a night of fun? Men need not apply. :-p LOL

Money Makes the World Go Round

If only that weren't so damn true.

Master has been on four interviews in the past month. Four. And no call backs. I know it is more frustrating for Him than it is for me. I know this, but that doesn't mean it isn't frustrating for me as well.

Just trying to make it on my paycheck alone isn't working all that well. I mean we're getting by, barely.

So until Master finds a job, we're left with the following options:

1. For me to get a 2nd job. (Which Master is not too keen on.)

2. To find another way to make money.

Master has the idea of creating like an amateur porn site, with me as the "model", and charging for access. I have no idea how that would work exactly, and if it were just a normal website it would take start up cash due to needing a host and all that. Not to mention I then have to figure out how to collect funds from the paying customers, if there are any.

But I told Master I would look into it. The idea is sound. It seems people enjoy the pictures enough. But I have to figure out how it works.

Any thoughts, ideas, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I'm sure someone how there knows how to do this.. lol

Back to the Hum Drum

I had a very good weekend with Master. However it seems that Monday has decided to show it's ugly head once more and so here we are.. back to the usual bullshit.

I tried thinking of something clever to post. Hell, anything clever to post. But I just don't seem to have it in me right now. Work today was mind numbingly boring. I took the bus home. It didn't suck as bad as I thought it might, except it wasn't the exact bus I needed, so I had to walk a bit farther. Oh well, I needed the exercise anyway. Master ended up meeting me part of the way on the walk home, and brought Radar with Him, which was a nice surprise.

I have a feeling tomorrow is going to suck though, because if Monday isn't busy at work.. nine times out of ten that means that Tuesday will be non stop.

Oh well. At least it'll make the day go by faster.

I have come to the conclusion that no one in my new department likes me except for my supervisor and my trainer. It's kind of weird, because usually my coworkers like me. But it doesn't bother me at all. I think it's because they have this high school like clique going, which they don't want to invite me to be a part of. Which is more than fine with me.Okay I do know why one of them doesn't like me. It's a small world apparently, because this one bitch knew me back in my early teenage years. She is a raging blubber cunt and I hated her back then, still do in fact. Apparently 10+ years and puberty didn't change her much.

Seriously though it reminds me a lot of high school or even jr. high. They literally have nicknames for one another. *blinks* And one of these people is 45 years old. When I try to offer a suggestion into their conversation, they turn, look at me like I grew a third head, and then continue talking like I had said nothing.

Fine by me. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I go to work to work, not make friends. As long as my trainer and my supervisor like me, and think I'm doing a great job, I'm golden.

I'll be finding out sooner rather than later just how good of a job they feel I am doing. In three weeks it'll be my 90 day mark in the new department, and shortly there after I should be getting a review. Yay me.

Other than that I'm just trying to make it to Friday.

Rode Hard and Put Away Wet

Last night I got nicely dolled up for my Master. I put on fishnet stockings, high heels, a fishnet top, and make-up. He was extremely pleased when I walked out of the bathroom.

We relaxed and had an enjoyable evening. We ended up talking for a good hour and a half about whatever came to mind. I had missed doing that. I mean we talk, but we haven't for that long for a while now.

I then suggested that we watch a porno. We only have two at the moment. Sad, I know. But we chose the one without the plot in it, and He sat on the couch with me. He normally just sits in His recliner, but I opened my mouth and asked Him to sit with me. He sat at one end of the couch, facing me, with His legs up. And I sat on the other end of the couch, facing Him with my feet up and idly playing with His cock once I took off my heels.

I really enjoyed myself, and the extra attention.

We then retired to the bedroom, as it was almost four in the morning. He fingered me for a little while and I asked Him if He still wanted me to put on a show for Him. He of course said yes. So I got comfortable, and He sat up so He could have a better view.

I was much more relaxed about it, knowing I could just cum when I was ready. But I didn't want to get off too quickly, because then where is the show? But He didn't leave me alone while I brought myself to orgasm. He played with my tits almost the entire time. I loved it.

After I got off, I cleaned off my toys, and then He fucked me. The show must have really gotten Him revved. He was rock hard before He even entered me.

Afterward, we were tired and so curled up and fell asleep. Master had me keep my fishnet stockings on.

This morning He woke me up. Apparently He had already been awake for about an hour. I remember Him laying in bed next to me and asking if I was awake. I made some half-grunt-half-english reply to which He said, "That's okay. I don't need you awake."

I was already on my stomach, so He simply mounted me, and took me. I was very awake afterward. *laughs*

We went out into the living room and relaxed for a while. Before two hours had passed though He had me by the throat and was leading me to the bedroom again, His cock already growing hard again.

So in less than 12 hours I had been thoroughly fucked three times. I think part of it is due to me dressing up more than I usually do. The other parts I think are because I masturbated for Him, and that I have been very docile lately. And I know the more docile I am, the more turned on He gets.

For instance, today I was walking down the hall from the bedroom to the living room. He was coming from the living room to the bathroom, and for no reason what so ever, I stopped in my tracks, and knelt on the ground before He passed me. He patted me on the head as He passed and I could feel Him smiling down at me.

He has been very affectionate with me, and I've been lapping it up. Lots of pets, and hugs, and kisses... choking, pinning down... the perfect balance of tenderness and roughness.

*sigh* I wish today didn't have to end. Perhaps Master will allow me to stay up past my bedtime tonight.

Not Your Typical Girl

I am not your typical girl. I never really have been.

But I also, haven't always been able to express myself.

Don't get me wrong, my parents wanted me to be happy and everything.. but they, and other relatives of mine, of course had a certain idea of who I should be. When you're a kid you don't have a lot of say so over how you dress, or what you can do. And that's understandable. But now I have more reign over how I look.

I am tattooed up one side and down the other, hoping to get more, and touch up the ones I have. I have three piercings. I would love more of those as well, but I am limited by what I can and can not have by my job. No facial piercings allowed. I would like my septum pierced, as I can flip that up, but Master has decided that He is not sure how it would look and there for is not allowing it. And I understand why. It would be a waste to get it done, have Him decide He hates it, and have to take it out.

But aside from the septum I have no idea what else I could get pierced that I would actually want done. I've had my belly button done before. Nah. I've had my tongue pierced before, and I don't want that again. The eyebrow I wouldn't mind having pierced again, but can't because of my job.

The tattoos are more expensive, and I'm not entirely sure what else I would get done or where I would put them. My goal, however is to have at least 13. I'm at 11 currently. I've actually thought about taking my left arm, which has a sun and moon, with a phoenix directly below it and turning that into more of a half sleeve type thing. I'm not sure how I would do it though. Or how it would end up looking, so I'm not sure I wanna fuck with it. On top of that the idea actually surprises me as I normally do not like half sleeves or full sleeves. *shrugs* The idea will probably go no where.

I do know that I would like a tattoo on my ribs. I know it'll hurt like a son of a bitch, but I have no idea what to put there. I don't want words. And I don't want something utterly feminine as that's just not me. But I also can't pull off big blocky tribal, as I am rather petite. Although something like this would be pretty rocking. All I know is that I'm far from done with tattoos. I don't think I ever will be honestly. Eventually I'll run out of room and have to be content with touch ups. But I still have room left to me, and I will use it.

Another thing I've always wanted to do is get my hair dyed black with red highlights. Master has forbidden it. He dyed His hair black once, before I knew Him, and hated it. He prefers my natural hair color.

These thoughts lead me to another subject. I'm still looking for a girl to play with and hang out with. Nothing involving submission and Domination. Just sex and friendship.

And the kind of girl I'm really attracted to is basically one who is very much like me. I mean I find different kinds of girls attractive, but only ones who are inked up and ... different, really catch my eye.

I've signed up on two different bisexual dating sites, but wouldn't you know it... most people on there are guys.

That and girls who are too.. girly for my tastes. I like... a different kind of girl. I guess the only thing to really describe them as is a suicide girl. I detest the term to be honest. But I can't say I like goth or emo because I hate the "woe is me" attitudes. But suicide girls are inked up, pierced, and just.. yummy.

I don't consider myself one. But I also don't know much about the term. I just know that if you type that into a search engine you find chicks with ink and piercings.

And I honestly think I would look a bit different if I could do whatever I wanted with myself. I'm not saying I regret that Master has final say on everything I do. I'm just musing.

But some of the changes would be my hair color. I would get that dye job I've always wanted. I'd have more piercings as well. The septum, obviously. And probably vertical nipple piercings to go with the horizontal ones. But perhaps Master would like the vertical nipple piercings. It's been a little over a year since I had the horizontal ones done.

One thing I can change that Master wouldn't object to, is the firmness of my body. I'm not fat, I don't need to lose weight. But I could certainly use some toning up. I miss having toned abs. I haven't had them since I was about 16. I was such a tom boy back then that I didn't even have to try for them. They just showed up. I was always out rough housing, and trying to show the boys that I could do whatever they did.

And so my goal is to start that.

Also, I'm going to check out other dating sites for bisexual women. Perhaps there is one that specifically goes towards the type of girls I like. I don't want some girl who is going to bitch about breaking a nail, or who complains that her hair is getting messed up. I want a girl with ink, maybe some piercings, and an attitude like my own.

Master has always teased me that if I could clone myself, I would fuck myself. And He's right I would. Maybe there is another, similar to me, whom I can find that will find me attractive, and is open to the idea that I'm married and have no wish to leave my Husband.

Control the Mind, and the Body Will Follow

During a slow period at work today, I sent a text to Master asking Him what He thought of the post I did last night.

He said that the post was fine, but that it wasn't really His mood. He said He wasn't much in the mood to give me bruises and basically kick my ass up one side and down the other.

I admit I was a bit surprised, as that side of things hasn't been indulged in quite some time. But my curiosity was up, so I asked Him what His mood was exactly.

He said that He was more interested in the mental aspect of my submission to Him, and His control over me. I asked Him what He meant, and He gave me a very recent example by way of explanation.

Yesterday, again while I was at work, I was pissed off about something. It had nothing to do with Master at all. But I was pissed, and so it came across in my texts to Him.

He of course, did not take kindly to that, as I was being disrespectful. So He simply sent me a message that said, "Correct yourself in your dealings with Me, or be corrected when you get home. My final word on the issue."

And immediately the anger flew out of me, and I calmed down. I then became docile, and stayed that way the rest of the night, and into today.

He said that He found such interesting. And I know what He means by that. In the not so long ago past, if I was pissed, I was pissed.. and I would just end up pissing Him off.

But since I had that dream, it's been a lot different in this head of mine. It's like that grip He has on me has become stronger.

To be perfectly honest, I was surprised by how quickly I corrected myself yesterday. He was very pleased by it though.

And Master has this fascination with the mind, in general. So you toss in my brain, and my submission, and it's like I'm this wonderful little case study for Him. I don't mean that in a bad way, at all. It's just kind of how I see it.

So I said, teasingly, to Him, "So You would rather play with my mind, rather than my body Sir?"

To which He very seriously said, "Control one and you control the other."

Which brought to mind the saying I've used as the title of this post. I've heard it before, and I believe it was from Master's lips. As I've said, He has always had a fascination with the mind and how it works, and how it reacts to things.

So it would seem that He is more interested in cementing that grip He has over my twisted mind. This should prove to be interesting to say the least. I can't say that I'm complaining.

 

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

It has been a long time since I've been beaten. I'm not talking a quick over the knee spanking. I'm talking me crying and not being able to get past the pain, not being able to think clearly, type beating.

I'm not talking about a punishment. I'm talking just for the sake of it.

Master's sadistic side is... it's own animal.

But He tempers it very well, and can reign it in. His self control is awe inspiring in that way.

And I am a masochist. I can't say that I truly enjoy it, because when it's happening all I can think of is to get away from the pain, whether it be inside my own head, or physically being able to get away from it.

I remember walking around and poking my bruises after ward though, and feeling like I had been cleansed. I am a masochist in that way. During, I want almost nothing to do with it. And before hand, I am scared. But after? After I feel... light.

As if going through it has some how made all my other stresses melt away, at least for a time.

And I love the physical reminders. I have scars from my Master. Scars that I am very proud of.

And I always did love showing off the bruises. We use to have pictures of ones He has given me in the past, but alas those were on old computers. Computers that weren't backed up, and we didn't have any of them saved online. I wouldn't mind some new ones, to replace the ones we've lost.

I also remember how much Master use to love showing the bruises off. He didn't have many chances to except where BC was concerned. He's always known about our lifestyle, and lives vicariously through Master when he can.

He seems disappointed that his current girlfriend is only into light bondage. But BC is not a natural born Alpha, like Master is. So it's probably for the best. And since he now has a girlfriend, we respect that by having me stay clothed when he's over.

But I'm straying from my point. My point is that I feel better after, for a while. And the markings that the beatings leave stay with me for quite some time and always make me smile, even when I'm wincing because of them.

And I know that Master feels better after (and most likely during) as well. It's healthy for Him to be able to let that animal of His out of it's cage every now and then.

But with the down ward spiral I was on, it was not something that has been practiced in far too long.

I feel I am no longer on that downward spiral. And I feel it's time for that to happen again.

This may sound oh so mundane of me, but I would rather do such on the weekends. Not simply because I have to work the next day otherwise, but because we don't have a lot of down time when I get home from work. I get home, we eat dinner, and then I still have to take my bath/shower and do my blog post. So really, when it's all said and done we only have a few hours together before I have to go to sleep.

And I would rather not rush such a thing. I would rather have a day where we don't have anything else going on.

That way we can lead into it, have Him let His animal out, and then perhaps... if He's willing.. some "after care". I hesitate to use those words. After care.

I don't believe it is really a need, or something a Master has to do.

But I do enjoy being soothed afterward. Some cuddle time, some praise if I deserve it, etc. A bit of pampering, if you will.

As I said in a previous post, not that long ago, I love that He can be so rough and ... raw. But I also greatly enjoy it when He's tender with me.

I may be a slave, but I am a highly affectionate slave. And sometimes the best kind of affection there is, is the kind that's earned.

By Any Other Name

Master and I have a lot of names for each other, outside of the names we were born with and the usual hun, babe, sweetie.

In fact, we hardly ever use our actual names when we talk to one another. To other people? Well, yeah obviously. But to each other, not really.. no.

But we have so many other things we call one another.

Most of them though, double as "titles" of a sort.

Master, Teacher, Husband - in Master's case.

Slave, Wife, Student - in mine.

The Teacher and Student thing is nothing kinky by the way. It has to do with our spiritual beliefs.

But no matter what we call one another, it's all the same thing.

That clicked in my head for whatever reason.

I've seen people in this particular lifestyle, struggle with whether it's time to put on the Master vs Husband/Boyfriend hat, or the slave vs wife/girlfriend hat.

I've struggled with that myself, and I know Master has as well.

But today something clicked inside that crazy thing I call a brain today, and I realized.. it's all the same, it's just a different name. Well, depending on how you look at it anyway.

I, personally, have decided to look at it this way..

As both my Husband, and my Master, I look to Him for the same things in both roles.. guidance, love, attention, affection, a strong hand, protection, leadership, companionship, etc.

As both His wife and His slave, He looks to me for the same things in both roles.. love, affection, submission, obedience,  companionship, etc.

It's all the same. If you take it to the bare bones of it, I look for all those things in Him as both my Husband and as my Master, just as He looks for all those qualities in me as His wife and as His slave.

Now a lot of people may think, "Well that's the traditional Christian way of marriage..." and where as that may be true, neither of us are Christian. But to me that's how a marriage makes sense. The man leads, the woman follows.

I just do not see women as Dominant. Sorry ladies. I just... don't. Aggressive sexually maybe, and sure they can be bad asses... but Dominant? No. I think that's one reason why even though I'm bisexual I have never wanted to really date a woman, at least not seriously.

Anyway, as it now makes perfect sense to me.. I am hoping it'll be easier for me to see both the wife and the slave roles as one, so I can stop confusing myself.

In a totally unrelated topic, you may have noticed that I have added a picture to the header of my blog. I love it. I've also changed it to my background on Twitter, and on Gravatar as well. It's just one of those pictures that I look at and feel an instant connection with, as odd as that may seem.

 

Horny

I am currently killing time before I leave for work this morning.

I woke up horny as hell.

Last night I had gotten all dolled up for Master, but my stomach had been messing with me most of the day, and when Master woke me up to go to bed around 3:30am or so, He asked if I was tired. I admitted that I was, so He said He would allow me to sleep.

I'm thankful for the extra sleep time, but now I'm horny. Like.. really fucking horny.

So hopefully tonight when I get home from work we can rectify that some how. Or at least make it worse. ;-)

I do believe some dick sucking is in order. Damn you oral fixation for kicking in during a time I can't possibly give Him head! It's 6:56 am right now, and I have to leave in like... five minutes.

*sigh*

Tenderly

Last night Master wasn't tired, and had a bit of a headache. So I slept on the couch for a while. He woke me up around 3:30am to go to the bedroom. Thankfully I had already set my alarm, so I didn't have to try and figure that out while half asleep. I laid down on my side and immediately got under the covers. Master slid into bed next to me, and pressed up against my back.

There is no greater feeling than that. Feeling your mate slide into bed and immediately press up against you. I remember smiling when He did that.

As I said, I was half asleep. But that didn't stop me from appreciating the small kisses He gave my neck and shoulders. I love it when He's rough and unrelenting, but I also dearly love the tenderness He shows me. The small kisses, the gentle caresses. They mean a lot to me. More than I can really say.

He then started slowly rolling His hips against me, and I could feel His hard cock pressing between my thighs.

It was difficult for Him to enter me at this angle, so He gently rolled me onto my stomach and claimed me.

The sex was amazing. I bucked against Him whenever He thrust into me, and it was a delightful play of give and take as far as that went.

He filled me with His cum, kissed the back of my head, and then laid down next to me, pulled me close to Him and we went to sleep.

I remember waking up at some point after that, some what frantic. I had woken up and He wasn't there. I don't know if I was having a bad dream right before that or what. But as soon as I saw His shadow in the door frame I immediately calmed down again. As He got into bed I asked Him if everything was alright, and He said that He had just gotten up to go to the bathroom.

He curled up to me again, holding me as I drifted back off to sleep.

As I said, I love the rough side of Him.. but those gentle moments are some of my favorites.

I look to Him for more than just to Dominate me. I look to Him to guide me, protect me, to love me.. and He does all of these things, seamlessly. He knows me so well, and He always seems to know when do to what.

That seems to be another "side effect" of my zen like sub space (which I'm blissfully still in)... I get sappy.. *laughs* I wouldn't say it's a bad thing at all. I'm rather enjoying it.

When I got home from work Master and I ate dinner, and have been relaxing. After the second episode of the show we were watching was over He had me go take my bath. I asked Him, as I do every night, if He wanted me in anything. Normally He just says yes or no, having me pick which lingerie I wear. But tonight it seems He has a mood, and told me to wear something with stockings.

So after my bath I put on some eye shadow, and a nice pair of fishnet stockings. (I love fishnets...) That's it. Nice, simple, and yet sexy at the same time. At least to me, and apparently to Master as well. He smiled when He saw me walking down the hall towards Him.

Not sure what we're doing tonight. It doesn't seem to matter if I sleep first, Master seems much more comfortable with waking me up for sex now than He has been in the past, thankfully. I know He wants me to get my rest, but I'd rather be freshly fucked and a little tired the next day, than to have a full nights sleep.

Mission Accomplished

Master has been after my ass (literally) for quite some time now. I honestly have forgotten how long it's been since we had anal sex. Quite some time though. Far too long, in fact.

I had (have?) this hang up about anal sex. It hurts 70% of the time, or at least it has in the past. Master's cock is extremely thick, and I had a very hard time relaxing.

Back in the day though, we would have anal sex about twice a month, if not more and I was normally fine. I mean it would hurt, but eventually I would relax and actually get off from it.

But I lost sight of that and ended up just getting very nervous about the pain. It was not a good pain. And I can't say that it was anything Master was doing wrong. I believe it was mostly on my part. Meaning that it was all in my head. The more I thought about it, the more nervous I got, the more nervous I got, the more I couldn't relax, the more I couldn't relax the more it hurt... well you get the picture.

So not that long ago we had purchased a new anal toy to try to help "break me back in" so to speak. It's sat there in its original packaging.

And it still is, honestly.

But since that dream I had, I've been feeling more like my own naughty self. And I started to feel that craving for it as well.

So last night we went to bed, and Master was kind of wound up tight because He's curious about whether or not He's going to get that job. So we decided to skip that "show" I had promised Him until another time.

But we were both still horny, and so we were laying there and I started stroking Him and I asked Him if He would please use His mouth on me, all over.

He was more than happy to do so.

He started at my neck, worked His way down to my tits, and then eventually to my pussy. As He ate me out He started fingering me, and as I got closer to an orgasm the idea suddenly popped into my head, and so I blurted it out before I could change my mind. I asked Him to finger my ass. He did, and it felt amazing. It didn't hurt at all, and I got off in no time.

He slowly pulled His fingers out and then had me get on all fours.

He entered my pussy and had me cum a few more times, at the end of another orgasm, another idea popped into my head. Again I said something about it before I could change my mind.

I asked Him if He wanted to try anal. He asked if I was sure, and I kind of mumbled that yes I was, as long as He wouldn't get mad if I asked Him to stop.

That's one thing He's been trying to beat into my head... that if the pain is too much, to say something and He will stop. He'll then go clean up and we'll do something else. He says He has no problem with this because He would rather not cause any damage, and wants me to learn how to enjoy anal again, rather than being afraid of it. Because at one point in time I honestly did enjoy it.

I trust Him. So I handed Him the lube (which was conveniently placed on the head-board) and He lubed Himself up. I then asked Him to put some lube on me as well. He handed the bottle back to me and I held onto it like it was my best friend.

Part of the problem with anal sex in the past has been that it didn't feel like there was enough lubrication. So I was keeping it very handy.

Master basically knelt still and I backed up, which allowed me to stop when I needed to without having to say much of anything, get used to that sensation, and then keep going. I honestly think that helped a lot, because there was hardly any pain at all, it was mainly just a slight discomfort until I stopped and then that would go away, and I could push back more.

Eventually I was pushed back as far as I could go, and I asked Master to push forward. As He did so, I knelt up more and bowed down almost immediately. This also helped, a lot.

I added some more lube shortly there after by dripping some onto my hand, and then reaching underneath me.

No pain! I was shocked, honestly. It was just some moments of discomfort. It actually started to feel good, although I had to concentrate on staying relaxed.

Master came so hard (He later told me) that He felt it in His lower back. *grins* The noises He made through out it all turned me on a lot. They were echoing through my mind all day today, leaving a smirk on my lips.

We both were not able to walk in a straight line after ward. Our legs were shaking and we were just buzzing from sex. It was incredible.

This may sound dumb, but I'm honestly proud of myself. And I think that as long as we keep "working at it" we'll get back to where we were regarding this.

Master said He was proud of me as well, which gave me this wonderful "good girl" buzz.

I wasn't able to sleep right away, after we were cleaned up. I was buzzing and just wanted to stay up and spend more time with Him. But He finally made me go to bed at 2am since I had to get up at 6 to go work.

But as I've re-discovered today, after anal sex I get very docile, very affectionate, and very docile. All I could think about while I was at work was how much I wanted to be home with Him, to cuddle with Him, to be near Him. It was like being "dickmatized", but not just focusing on being fucked. It was this wonderful zen like sub space that I have missed a lot. I've gone there many times recently, believe me.. but this was on a whole different level. And I'm still there. And I'm hoping to be able to remain there for a while longer. I feel so... at peace.

All from having His dick up my ass.

Take Me

Today thankfully has not just been one of those weekend days where we just hang out. Today included sex, and the promise of more to come. (No pun intended.)

I have been in a body suit all day. I'm currently on the rag, and I prefer wearing lingerie over thongs. So lingerie it was.

At one point in the afternoon I was just really horny, and so I went over to Master and knelt in front of Him. I am currently getting rid of a cold sore, so I couldn't kiss Him (which I hate!). Instead I nuzzled Him and purred a little bit.

He asked me what I wanted and I told Him I was horny. He chuckled and said, "What else is new lately?"

He told me to go ahead and go to the bedroom.

We started off with both of us on our sides, facing one another. Our height difference makes this difficult, but we manage it, and it turns into more of a huge tease with some penetration. This gets us both extremely hot and bothered, and I love it.

I also love being so close to Him with His arm around me, forcing me to be as close as possible.

Eventually He rolled me onto my back and fucked me hard, fast and pretty much had me moaning with every movement He made.

He had me drop my legs down underneath Him towards the end, which is just a very interesting sensation for us both, as once my legs are under Him I then cross my ankles, and then buck my hips. It's amazing.

I was pushing against the wall, the bed, pushing into Him. He had His hand placed firmly on the back of my neck.

It was just a very intense, very overwhelming experience. Immediately afterward, as we were laying side by side once more, catching our breathe I commented on how that was the most intense both of us have been during sex in a long time. He agreed, and said He had missed it. I had as well.

I also asked Him if He wanted me to put on a little show for Him later. He, of course, said that He would enjoy that.

And by a show, I mean masturbating for Him. Now that I know that I can cum at will, I am much more relaxed about it. It's still pretty early in the evening, so I'm going to go take my bath, change into something else, and then see what evil, lewd, ideas pop into my head after that. ;-)

Also, you may have noticed that my Pic Gallery is back. Master said He wanted it back up, so I've added all the pictures that were on there. They are not in order, as when I attempted to order them earlier today, it was glitching and not going the way I wanted. I have two goals regarding the gallery being back. First, is of course to get it properly organized. The second, is to get some new pics up at some point in the near future.

The Bitch is Back

I honestly can't imagine my life without my Master. It's been that way since shortly after we started dating. A lot of people think that's impossible. You can't possibly love someone after only a few weeks. I loved Him only two weeks after meeting Him. That was it.

I was hooked.

And here we are, 7 1/2 years later. And I am still hopeless when it comes to Him. He is a part of me, and I am a part of Him. He's under my skin, in my head, in my heart, and in my soul.

And I think a large part of why He is so ingrained in every part of me is because of my submission to Him. I may act out, and what not.. but it never changes the fact that the mere thought of Him taking His control (let alone His love) away from me causes me to freak out in every sense possible.

As the years pass by, the feeling of not being my own person, and the actual desire to not be my own person becomes stronger. Just when I think it can't get any more intense, another year goes by and I realize that it in fact has become all-consuming.

I'm not saying I don't have my own thoughts, opinions, or desires. Because I do. But I woke up this morning and couldn't go back to sleep and I sat here thinking...

In this den that we've created for ourselves, He has final say. That doesn't mean He's always right about every little thing, because that's just impossible.

And He does want to hear my opinions, my thoughts, my desires. He doesn't want a robot. He wants a living, breathing, thought provoking extension of Himself.

And that's what I am. We don't always see eye to eye, no one does. But I think He'd be worried if I suddenly just agreed with everything He said. *giggles*

"Kitten the sky is purple with yellow polka-dots, isn't it?"

"Yes, Master of course it is because You said so."

...

No, that's not what He wants. He has always loved that spark I have, and I'm glad that He does. I don't want to be a robot. But I do want to be an extension of Him. I was there, that's what I was not that long ago in the big picture of things.

And I realized as these thoughts rolled around in my head, that I haven't thought this way in far to long. These are the thoughts that have been with me the past few days.

But now those thoughts no longer are needed. The bitch is back.

That extension of Master? She broke that cage. She's back. She's out. I don't know what happened, but I know it to be true. Perhaps it's the season change. Perhaps it's because of something else. Maybe... maybe it was just time.

I had a dream last night.

Meditation is something that Master has taught me how to do. And believe it or not, dreams can sometimes be a form of meditation.

Last night I had one of those dreams.

I went looking for that bitch. I was sick and tired of being this broken shell of what I use to be. Sick and fucking tired of it. I didn't want to be a fragment of what I use to be anymore. I don't want to be broken. I felt so weak, like a pale shadow of who I was. And I just could not stand it any longer.

And so I went looking inside of myself, and there she was.

The dream went like this:

It was dark all around me. I could see myself, and I was nude. Completely. In fact I didn't have my collar, my cuff, my wedding ring, my tattoos, or piercings. Nothing. It was like seeing myself as a blank slate. And it bothered me. It bothered me in a way that I felt physically ill in the dream as I watched this hollow and blank thing that was me.

Where, oh where, was that bitch who was there when we were first married? Where was that edge, that sexual prowess, that... don't fuck with me vibe. It use to be so strong. Where was the uncertainty of who I was, of who we are.

That hollow blank me wasn't me. I fought against the fact that that was what I might revert to if I didn't find myself again. The real me.

And so I forced this weak blank slate to step into the darkness. And suddenly the dream shifted. I was no longer seeing myself, in a third person view. I was looking out through the eyes of the blank Kitten.

And the darkness was all around me, but it wasn't still. It seemed to be moving. It didn't scare me though. I walked, or floated, or whatever you do to move through nothing.

And suddenly I could see something very far away. And it shined.

I started to rush towards it desperately. I didn't know what it was, but I knew I needed to get there.

And suddenly in was in full view. I was right in front of it. It was a cage. It was beautiful. The bars shone. It was the only source of light anywhere. And there was the bitch. The bitch I have always been, but lost some how. She was on all fours, crawling the length of the cage up and down, up and down. Like a large cat pacing in a cage at the zoo.

And everything was on her. The tattoos, the piercings, the collar, the cuff, the wedding ring. The blank slate that I was in the dream stood there, looking down at the cage.

When our eyes locked I could see that she was everything I had been and wanted to be again. The confidence, the sexuality, the hunger. This primal thing in the cage didn't get depressed, she didn't wonder who she was. She fucking knew. There were no doubts.

And she smiled.

And the blank slate me knelt down and was then eye level with the cage, not knowing how to open the cage, not knowing how to become one with the real me.

Suddenly the real me in the cage was no longer looking at the blank me. The blank me was not important. What was important was coming up behind her and the cage.

And it was Master. He walked out of the darkness. And He didn't even seem to see the blank me that was kneeling in the darkness. That wasn't His mate, His mate was locked in the cage. His mate was purring as He approached.

He was nude as well, and His cock was erect and pulsing. It bobbed before Him as He stood directly behind the cage. The real me pushed against the bars frantically. He looked down at the me in the cage, and grinned that evil, knowing grin that He has. The one that makes me wet no matter where we are, or what we're doing.

And He reached down and twisted the bars as if they were made of rubber. I could hear the metal twisting and groaning as He forced it apart. And suddenly the cage shattered. The pieces went every where.

The real me stood up. Master took her hand, and grabbed her by the back of the neck. And He spoke, "It's been too long."

And the real me nodded. And the real me knew exactly what to do. But a merging of her and the blank me was not what was needed. What was needed was for the blank me to no longer exist.

The dream Master turned the real me around to face the blank me, and not so gently pushed her forward, although it didn't seem like she needed much coaching.

She grabbed the blank me, the one "I" was still stuck in.

She strutted over to me and put both hands around the blank me's neck, gently. And the real me tilted her head and smiled. The blank shuddered, almost like glitching. And then "I" was looking through the real me's eyes and the blank me shattered just like the cage had done. Neither existed anymore, not the blank, and not the cage.

And I felt strong, and I felt ... complete. The only me that was left, the real one.. the one with everything I am... turned and walked back to Master. He nuzzled me, and I smiled.

He said, "You know what to do."

And of course, I did. I knelt down in front of Him, my legs spread wide, my arms raised above my head, crossed at the wrists. And Master grabbed my wrists and growled low.

He said, "Don't let it happen again."

And I woke up.

This morning I feel... free. I feel strong, and I feel certain. I know who I am. I am an extension of my Master. I am who I was. And I am back.

Well.. That's Just How We Are

Master had His interview at midnight last night. The job itself would be 3rd shift and so they were holding the interview during 3rd shift hours. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to sleep while He was at His interview. I was both excited, and nervous for Him. For us.

He knew I wasn't going to sleep either, so He asked me if I wanted to go with. Whenever He has a job interview on a day/during hours that I'm not at work, He likes me to go with. I play navigator and I also help keep Him distracted so He doesn't get all wound up or extremely nervous.

So I said sure. I probably would have just paced the apartment and driven myself nuts anyway. So we padded for time, like we always do, and headed out.

He went in for His interview and I sat in the car and tried to read a book I had brought with me. But I couldn't concentrate and so eventually I gave up on reading the book.

His interview took about an hour, and when He came out He told me all about it. It sounded like it went really well. They had given Him a drug test form and told Him to take one tomorrow (meaning today) and then bring back a copy of the test to them at 10pm tonight.

Once we got home I pretty much went to bed almost immediately. It was 1:30am and I had to get up at 6:10am.

We are taking it as a good sign that He had to take a drug test. Usually companies won't spend the money unless they are interested.

My alarm went off this morning and I wasn't as tired as I thought I would be. The driver of the carpool I'm in had the day off work, so I took our car and had to pick up AM, the other passenger in the carpool.

He asked how the interview went for my Husband, and I told him. I also mentioned that I had gone with Him, and sat in the car. He asked me why.

I didn't really have an answer. It's just how we've always done it. If I'm not at work, and not sick, I go with to His job interviews and sit in the car and wait.

So I simply said, "That's just how we are... we like to do pretty much everything together if at all possible."

AM didn't really say anything after that. But it made me feel like maybe that's not the norm? I mean.. Master has gone with me to some of my job interviews in the past as well if He didn't have to work at the time.

It was just the "Why?" that made me think that maybe it's not normal to bring your spouse/significant other and have them wait in the car while you go in for a job interview.

But we've always done it, since I moved in with Him. And I like that about us, honestly. When neither of us are working on any particular day we hardly ever spend time apart. If He goes, I go. If I go, He goes.

The only exceptions have been a few times when I've gone down to see my mother, but that's mainly when He's been sick, or when one of us is just running a quick errand. Other than that, we're pretty much inseperatable.

I don't have nights out with friends without Him, and He doesn't have nights out with friends without me. We're kind of like a package deal that way. You want to hang out with one of us, you automatically assume the other is going to be there.

And I think it's great. I don't really like having "me time". I don't really know what to do with myself for more than a few hours. And I have no desire to just go out with a friend and leave Him at home. I would just sit there, wishing He was there and wondering why the hell I went out without Him.

Some people may think this isn't healthy. But to me, it's perfectly normal. I was never this way in past relationships. Just with Him. And I know the same holds true for Him. In past relationships we would look for excuses to get away from our then significant others.

But with one another, we don't have that urge at all. And I think it's wonderful.

So anywho, today after I got home from work we left the apartment pretty much right after I walked in the door, and ran a few errands, and then took Him to the drug testing place. He pissed in a cup, and they told Him that the company would have the results on Monday. And right around 10pm tonight we headed out, dropped off the paper work to show that He had completed the drug test, and they said they would be in touch.

So here's hoping!