Because The Voices In My Head Told Me To

I have a sense of humor, apparently. *smiles*

Today I had my first therapy session. Master wanted to come with me, but I didn't want Him sitting in a waiting room for an hour with nothing but random magazines that He normally wouldn't read surrounding Him.

So I headed out, pulled out the money for my copay and went to the appointment. I was afraid I was going to be late due to traffic, but thankfully I was still able to get there 15 minutes early.

They had sent the new patient paperwork to me in the mail, so thankfully that part was already taken care of. So all they needed was my copay and a copy of my insurance card. I really, really like having health insurance. I don't even want to think about how much this would have cost me without it.

I was only waiting about five minutes before the psychotherapist called me back. She offered me coffee, which I politely declined. I instantly liked this woman. She reminded me of my paternal grandmother in a way. She's very motherly.

She asked a lot about my family history, both medically and just how life was for me growing up. That dominated most of the conversation. She also asked about my marriage, my job, how I react to situations etc.

She asked if I had ever been in therapy before. And I told her that I was from when I was 13 to about 15 or 16. I had gone for depression but that it didn't seem to help. The medication made me feel like a zombie. Etc.

Towards the end of the session, she told me that she doesn't feel I suffer from depression. She feels that I am bipolar. I don't have the extremes of mania or severe depression where I just can not function. But she said that there are varying degrees of bipolar disorder.

After her explanation as to why she feels I am bipolar I am inclined to agree with her. After that dream I had, where I found myself again, I felt up. I felt very up. I honestly was thinking to myself "I don't need medication. I'm fine. I'm in a great mood! Everything is great!"

But Master told me I was keeping the appointment because these things come in cycles with me. And I know He is right, and that I do need the help.

When I'm down, I'm down.. but I can function. I don't really care about much, but I will do what has to be done. When I'm up... I'm up. Not totally hyper and/or self destructive, but it's pretty intense. And when switching from the manic periods I can get irrationally angry or irritated for no apparent reason.

The psychotherapist also told me that she feels I would benefit from medication. She said that she does not write prescriptions but that she works with two doctors within the same clinic that do, and that they collaborate on patient cases. She said that she wants to see me once every two weeks and so at the end of the session she walked me out to the reception area and set up our next three appointments as well as an appointment with the doc who can get me on some medication.

She was glad that I was open to being put on medication. And I simply said that was the main reason why I wanted to start therapy, because I apparently can not handle this on my own anymore. Or maybe I never really could.

I really like her. And her office is not that far from home, so it seems I hit one hell of a lucky streak regarding this. I was afraid I was going to dislike her, and not want to go back. But she's great.

And one thing that she explained, which I relayed to Master, was that nothing I tell her will leave that office, unless she feels I am suicidal or homicidal. If either of those happen she'll call Master, and if they can't convince me to go to a hospital, she will call the police to have them escort me to one.

I think that made Master feel better. It also made me feel better, for some reason. Like.. if things did get that extreme Master would have back-up. Because I obviously would not be in my right mind. He may need it. I don't think things will ever get that far gone, but you never know.

So here is hoping that therapy continues to go so well, and that we can find a medication that will help me but not have too many adverse side effects.

*Added later*

I found the word she used! I knew she said a specific type of bipolar disorder but for the life of me I couldn't remember the damn word! So I searched this morning and found it. She said she believes I have Cyclothymia. I will have to do more research on this. I want to be prepared when I go back in two weeks to discuss this with her and actually know something about it. She also said that part of the reason why she feels I was misdiagnosed when I was younger was because no one really questions the "manic" periods when they are not extreme. That and they probably just thought I was being a normal teenage girl. Add on top of that.. my therapist at the time was not listening to me and I did not feel I could be completely open because my mother sat in on all of the sessions.