Pain Therapy

Something crossed my mind earlier today. Anyone who reads this blog regularly knows two things about me. Okay, so you probably know a lot more than two things about me if you read this blog a lot, but for the sake of this blog post I'm referring to two things in particular. 1. That I am a masochist. 2. That I have fibromyalgia.

So anyway, what was running through my mind was that maybe one of them effects the other. No, I don't think that my being a masochist makes my fibromyalgia worse. That would be idiotic of me really. But I do think that my fibromyalgia effects my being a masochist. I know that not all of my nerve endings react the way they normally would. I'm not sure if it's directly related or not, but it's something that I noticed about myself.

There are times where my neck and/or shoulders are really bothering me. They haven't gone into full lock up/don't fucking touch or breathe on them mode but they are pretty bad. And I remember a few times where, for whatever reason, I asked Master to bite me right where it was hurting the most.

Sounds dumb right? It hurts, so let's hurt it some more!

But it honestly helped. Master looked at me like I was nuts the first time I asked. It was my right shoulder. That muscle on top of your shoulder that meets up with the side of your neck. I'm not sure why the thought popped into my head but I just looked at Him and asked Him to bite my shoulder right next to the knot that was forming. Not the knot itself but just to the side of it.

He of course asked me if I was sure and I said yes. It's not like He wouldn't stop if I asked Him to. So He had me kneel in front of Him, with my back to Him. I moved my hair and He told me to take a deep breath. As I inhaled He positioned Himself and then as I exhaled He bit down.

It hurt like a mother fucker. I didn't ask Him to stop though. Well, not right away. Finally the pain got to be too much and I asked Him to stop. He immediately released my flesh from His jaws. I remember that I leaned forward, damn near putting my forehead to the floor. But then I sat back up and while I was light headed my shoulder actually felt looser, oddly enough.

It really did help. Yes, it hurt a lot but it kept my shoulder from getting to that place where it locks.

So, when that memory strolled on through my gray matter I started to wonder if maybe that's part of the reason why I enjoy certain kinds of pain. It keeps the focus off of my normal day to day pain. Not always, but sometimes.

The other part of it is just that I'm twisted that way. *smirks*

Unintentional

Master wanted me to dress up last night. I waited to take my bath until after the animals were taken care of for the night. It didn't make much sense to me to take my bath, wait to take care of the animals, and then put on lingerie.

I put on my school girl outfit. He seemed pleased.

The sex was amazing, although something caught me off guard. When Master was using His mouth the suck and chew on my tits, it felt amazing. But then He did something He almost always does, that I normally enjoy. He moved His mouth in such a way that the bottom of my breast was completely in His mouth and I felt His teeth scrape the skin just under it. It hurt like a mother fucker. He does it all the time, like I said. And normally I really enjoy it. But last night for some reason it really hurt and I reacted to it. All I did really was hiss through my teeth and say ouch a little loudly.

He stopped and I could hear that He sounded a little confused by my reaction. I simply said, "I don't know why but that really hurt."

He knew it wasn't a good hurt. And yes, He's sadistic but there is a difference. There is the kind of pain He wants to inflict and then there is the pain He did not intentionally inflict. This time it was the latter. If He's not trying to make it hurt, it does Him no good. He doesn't get off on it if the pain is caused accidentally.

So He apologized and let me take a moment to realign myself basically. Once I relaxed a little bit He continued. Sometimes pain that I know He doesn't mean to cause really fucking throws me off. It'll almost kill the mood entirely. Not just because of the pain but because it kind of shocks me mentally. I don't really know how to describe it.

It's not like I really know when or how He is going to hurt me but there seems to be a difference to me. When pain hits me during sex I always know if that was on purpose. And when it isn't, it definitely hits my system differently.

Like I said, I'm not sure how I know or how I know it the second it happens. Especially when He doesn't even know it has happened. Weird.......

I obviously "got over it" rather quickly and by the time we were done fucking I was in pain in certain areas, but it hurt in a very good way. For some reason I also had a little bit of sub drop and cried for a few minutes. I don't know if one has to do with the other but sub drop hasn't happened to me in a very long time.

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

It has been a long time since I've been beaten. I'm not talking a quick over the knee spanking. I'm talking me crying and not being able to get past the pain, not being able to think clearly, type beating.

I'm not talking about a punishment. I'm talking just for the sake of it.

Master's sadistic side is... it's own animal.

But He tempers it very well, and can reign it in. His self control is awe inspiring in that way.

And I am a masochist. I can't say that I truly enjoy it, because when it's happening all I can think of is to get away from the pain, whether it be inside my own head, or physically being able to get away from it.

I remember walking around and poking my bruises after ward though, and feeling like I had been cleansed. I am a masochist in that way. During, I want almost nothing to do with it. And before hand, I am scared. But after? After I feel... light.

As if going through it has some how made all my other stresses melt away, at least for a time.

And I love the physical reminders. I have scars from my Master. Scars that I am very proud of.

And I always did love showing off the bruises. We use to have pictures of ones He has given me in the past, but alas those were on old computers. Computers that weren't backed up, and we didn't have any of them saved online. I wouldn't mind some new ones, to replace the ones we've lost.

I also remember how much Master use to love showing the bruises off. He didn't have many chances to except where BC was concerned. He's always known about our lifestyle, and lives vicariously through Master when he can.

He seems disappointed that his current girlfriend is only into light bondage. But BC is not a natural born Alpha, like Master is. So it's probably for the best. And since he now has a girlfriend, we respect that by having me stay clothed when he's over.

But I'm straying from my point. My point is that I feel better after, for a while. And the markings that the beatings leave stay with me for quite some time and always make me smile, even when I'm wincing because of them.

And I know that Master feels better after (and most likely during) as well. It's healthy for Him to be able to let that animal of His out of it's cage every now and then.

But with the down ward spiral I was on, it was not something that has been practiced in far too long.

I feel I am no longer on that downward spiral. And I feel it's time for that to happen again.

This may sound oh so mundane of me, but I would rather do such on the weekends. Not simply because I have to work the next day otherwise, but because we don't have a lot of down time when I get home from work. I get home, we eat dinner, and then I still have to take my bath/shower and do my blog post. So really, when it's all said and done we only have a few hours together before I have to go to sleep.

And I would rather not rush such a thing. I would rather have a day where we don't have anything else going on.

That way we can lead into it, have Him let His animal out, and then perhaps... if He's willing.. some "after care". I hesitate to use those words. After care.

I don't believe it is really a need, or something a Master has to do.

But I do enjoy being soothed afterward. Some cuddle time, some praise if I deserve it, etc. A bit of pampering, if you will.

As I said in a previous post, not that long ago, I love that He can be so rough and ... raw. But I also greatly enjoy it when He's tender with me.

I may be a slave, but I am a highly affectionate slave. And sometimes the best kind of affection there is, is the kind that's earned.