Nervous About Treatment

As you know from this post, I have started therapy. My next appointment is next week Friday. That's also rent week, so I already know finances are going to be extremely tight. But I'm sure I can scrounge up the copay. I don't want to miss an appointment.

During my last appointment the therapist.. we'll call her JD, told me that she does not feel I suffer from depression, but from Cyclothymia. Since that time I have done some research on it. If you want, you can read more here. They describe it as relatively mild. And compared to full on bi-polar disorder, it is. But that doesn't make it any fun.

I know what some of you must be thinking. How, after one appointment, can a therapist possible be able to give a diagnosis. And normally I would agree. But JD seems on top of her game and after doing research I am highly inclined to agree with her diagnosis.

It started shortly after I hit puberty, which is when it normally becomes noticeable.

JD did say that medication for me would be a good idea. She did not name any drugs, but I looked into what is most commonly prescribed for people with this disorder, and it seems lithium is the drug of choice. Some of the side effects related with it (although rare) are kind of scary. But really, what side effects aren't? Even with over the counter medications.

But there is no use in wondering about the side effects for that drug because of two things mainly:

1. I don't even know if that is what they are going to give me.

2. If they do I don't know what dosage.

So I have to wait. My next appointment won't be one where I get a prescription anyway. That's the one that is currently three weeks away and that's only if the doctor I see decides to write a script for me.

So why am I nervous about treatment? Well, it's not the therapy. Talking isn't a problem. I don't particularly enjoy it, but it does seem to help so far.

It's the drugs. What if I'm not the same person after? I mean I know it's going to alter me in some way.. other wise what's the point of taking it? But what if I'm.. like a totally different person. That thought scares me a little.

I'm not saying I won't take the medication if it is deemed necessary. In fact at this point I'm hoping it is. Because I don't see how just talking is going to help stabilize my moods.

But the thought still makes me nervous. I'm sure most of it is due to old programming. When I was in my early to mid teens I was on anti-depressants, a sleep aid, muscle relaxers, pain killers, migraine medication.. the list continues. Eventually I just felt like a zombie. I hated it. Hated it.

But the doctors weren't listening to me back then. And I'm not on all those pills anymore. Most doctors don't listen to a 14 year old. They figure they know better, even though they aren't feeling what the 14 year old is feeling.

But I'm 27 now. And JD seems awesome and more than willing to listen and she vouched for this doctor I have to see. Hell, they are part of the same clinic.

So I have more control. Not only am I an adult, but if the doctors won't listen to me, my Husband sure in the hell will and He'll help me. I know He will.