Visit With Dr. L

After work I was home for about an hour before I had to head back out to go to my appointment with Dr. L. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I'd be when I got there. I had just accepted the fact that I don't know anything about medications or what is best for treating bipolar disorder, so it was up to Dr. L.

I got there about 10 minutes early but my appointment started a little late. No big deal there. It happens with doctor appointments. So I go in and he asks me how things have been going. I tell him how I'm not handling stress as well as I think I should be/could be. He asked me what kind of stress, so I went into all of that.

Then he asked me how I had reacted to it. So I told him how at one point not that long ago, I would say about a week or two, I was at work and it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. I had wanted nothing but to go home. I wanted to go home, lay down on our bed in the dark, curled up in a blanket until I felt I could handle anything again. It was intense, it was kind of scary, and it was just not how I was used to reacting to anything since I have been on my medication.

So once I was done talking (he's a very quiet man.. it makes me feel like he's actually listening rather than just nodding and smiling) he asked me if my medication was having any side effects. The question kind of threw me off, and I replied honestly. I have not experienced any side effects from the medication.

So he said that I'm on the lowest dose of the medication I'm on, which I did not know. He said he had wanted to start me out on that and see how it went. Apparently it's no longer enough. So he upped my dosage from 100 milligrams to 150 milligrams. He told me to finish up the few pills I have left from my last refill and then start on the new dosage. This made me feel better. I had been so worried that he was just going to switch me to a different medication, or put me on an additional medication. Thankfully he didn't feel that was necessary.

But since he wants to be able to monitor my reaction to a higher dosage, rather than seeing me in three months he wants to see me in two. He said that if I feel the dosage is still not working as well as I feel it should then I should call and make an appointment that is as soon as possible so we can discuss it. He said to never be afraid of calling to make an appointment sooner than originally anticipated. I told him I understood, I just hadn't done it this time because I knew it was close, and I didn't feel it was an "emergency" situation.

I really do like the fact that Dr. L is so supportive. I also like the fact that he didn't want to over drug me by putting me on a higher dosage immediately. He wanted to test the waters and see how I reacted. And he's still doing that. It's pretty awesome.

He did say a really nice thing about my Husband. Now, Master has never gone with me to an appointment because all He would end up doing is sitting in the waiting room. The therapy and doctor appointments are only for me. But I tell Dr. L about the discussions Master and I have regarding all this stuff. And Dr. L said that he's glad that my Husband is so supportive and encourages me to talk about my feelings, the reactions I'm having, and how I think my therapy is going.

So a gold star to Master from Dr. L! Yay!

Nervous About Tomorrow

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow. Tomorrow after work I have an appointment with Dr. L. And during that appointment I get to explain how I think I may need either a higher dose of my current medication or possibly a supplemental medication for when things get to be a bit much for me. Okay, more than a bit. Something that I can take when I feel my grip on myself slipping.

Now that I've been stable a while, when I start slipping it feels so much worse than it did before. Before I was use to it, hell half the time I didn't even realize I was doing it. Which is probably why I never thought I was bipolar before. I just didn't realize. I thought I was reacting normal. Apparently I was wrong.

So why am I nervous? I'm nervous because I don't want him to take me off my current medication. I like my current medication and I don't want to go off of it. But I know that the minute I bring this up to him, it'll be mainly his decision as to what the best course of action would be. Now yes, I have say over what I do take and what I don't. But I don't know what is going to help. He's the one with the degree. I just don't want to go through all these different medications until we find one that works all the time, no matter what. I don't think something like that exists to be perfectly honest with you which is why I want something I can take only when I actually need it. Something I can reach for when I'm going down that darker path in my mind or where I get to the point that I just want to curl up in the fetal position and be in a dark space so I can feel safe again. I hate feeling that way. Or even when I'm getting manic. Manic isn't so bad, at least it doesn't seem like it is at the time. But there comes a point where I just can't concentrate on one thing. I'm mentally bouncing all over the place. Hell sometimes I'm bouncing all over the place quite literally.

I just want something I can take, wait about a half hour and be okay again. Especially when I'm at work. I can't run away and go home every time I feel that way. I have to stay. Firstly, I need my job. My job isn't going to put up with that very long. Secondly, we need my paycheck. It's our only source of income, so if I start taking an hour here, three hours there, it comes off my paycheck and it hurts us long term.

I honestly thought about creating a separate blog just for talking about my bipolar disorder. I talked to Master about it and He's worried that if I do that I won't write here as often. Plus this blog isn't just about kink, regardless of the title. It's about me, my life, my marriage, my submission.. Just basically anything and everything I feel I need to or want to blog about.

And I think Master prefers it that way. I think He prefers me just having one place to write everything I feel like writing about.

Back Stage Pass

There are some things that you don't tell anyone. You don't tell your mother, your father, your best friend, your therapist even. And you would think that you would tell your therapist everything, so that they can help you. I have a therapist (someone I just talk to, but can't prescribe medicine or give a diagnosis) and I also have a shrink (I talk to him as well, but he can give a diagnosis and prescribe medicine). I do not tell them everything. I don't share some random thoughts, impulses, or darker desires.

Why not you ask? Well I don't hide anything that could help them help me. It's just that there is some shit they don't need to know. I have this weird thing about letting people into my head. I'd never fully opened the curtain and shown anyone everything that's going on back stage. It's part of the reason why I was so scared of starting therapy and getting help. I'm not regretting it by any means, I'm just saying that when I called to make my first appointment I was nervous as hell. I had bad experiences in the past with shrinks.

But the bad experiences with past shrinks isn't what made me reluctant to let people back stage. I have been that way for as long as I can remember. I know that there are some things that I think or fantasize about that are what most people would consider weird or wrong or just down right crazy. I knew that from a pretty young age. Not that I'm bat shit fucking psycho or anything. I'm not. But it's just some thoughts that creep into my head that I knew if I voiced them I would bring a whole lot of attention my way, and not the good kind of attention. The "There is something seriously fucking wrong with you," kind of attention.

Some of it was/is kink related. That is one thing I have not told my therapist or my shrink. I have talked about my high sex drive, as my shrink has encouraged me discuss it with my therapist since it is related to my bipolar disorder. But I don't know if they are kink friendly, and I don't think it really plays a part in getting help, so I just leave it be.

But there are other things that go on inside my head that I don't talk about, write about, or otherwise admit to.

With one exception.

Master.

It took a while for me to start telling Him everything. At first it was because I wasn't sure how He would take it. And then once I knew He wouldn't reject me or try and throw me in the nice padded room with a hug me jacket, I still waited. I wasn't sure how to open the curtain all the way. I had never done it before. Now granted, when I met Him I was a whopping 20 years old. But I still had trouble with it. I would say it was at about the year mark of our relationship that I started pulling the curtain back more and more. I wasn't hiding anything from Him. My not telling Him these things was not effecting our relationship in any way. But I love Him. And I wanted Him to have a full access pass to my mind, body and soul. And so finally I told myself that I should just do it, and if anything bad happens because of it, then it's better to find out now rather than later on down the road.

And so I did. I basically handed Him the invisible back stage pass and He loved me more because of it. And He did the same in return. There are things I know about Him that His best friends of 20+ years don't know. There are things about me that He knows that people who have known me my whole life don't know.

And I think that's the reason why we work so well together, and at least part of the reason why we're coming up on eight years together in less than two weeks. It's why we can communicate in a crowded room, surrounded by family and/or friends, without anyone realizing it because we haven't said a fucking word. And that connection only gets stronger as the years go by, as we continue to share anything that is going on in our heads.

It was difficult to let the curtain shake the dust off and let Him walk past it. It scared me to do it. But it's the best decision I've made in my life. The second best decision I made was marrying Him.

Still Alive

Yes, I'm still here.

Since late Thursday night we have been dealing with computer problems that I could not fix myself. This is rare, but it does happen. I'm not a computer genius or anything but normally the problems are small enough that I can fix it.

Well in this case I could not. So I have spent a shit load of time on the phone with tech support. Today, finally, it was fixed. So after I was off the phone with tech support we had to do some more tweaking to get the comp back where it was, but now it's all done.

I hate having computer problems. It is one of the few forms of entertainment we have. We have this, the Xbox 360, a DVD player, and Netflix. Oh. And books. So when the computer goes down, it's just crazy around here cause we're bored. You never realize how addicted you are to something until you can't do it.

So anyway, I had another therapy appointment last night. It went really well. In two weeks I'm seeing the doc who can prescribe medication. I was supposed to see JD after that but she said due to our financial constraints, and knowing that I am at least seeing the doc she felt okay with letting me cancel her appointment. She did say that she is recommending to the doctor that he put me on medication right away.

A lot of what we talked about is how the only reason I'm seeking help is because of how much it is affecting my marriage. I told her flat out that if I were single, I probably wouldn't have sought help. She said she understood, and is glad that I have Master as a support system.

I had to run a couple of errands after the appointment so I didn't get home until almost 8pm, which kind of sucked. But at least everything got done.

I put on a pair of my thigh high boots last night, which Master seemed to really enjoy.

I think if I ever buy a pair of thigh highs again though, they are going to be fabric. That shiny stuff is just not that comfortable. I for whatever reason can not think of the material right now. Apparently talking to tech support so damn much has drained my mental capabilities.

So for now I think I'll end this post. I might post again later on tonight if something pops up into my brain.

Nervous About Treatment

As you know from this post, I have started therapy. My next appointment is next week Friday. That's also rent week, so I already know finances are going to be extremely tight. But I'm sure I can scrounge up the copay. I don't want to miss an appointment.

During my last appointment the therapist.. we'll call her JD, told me that she does not feel I suffer from depression, but from Cyclothymia. Since that time I have done some research on it. If you want, you can read more here. They describe it as relatively mild. And compared to full on bi-polar disorder, it is. But that doesn't make it any fun.

I know what some of you must be thinking. How, after one appointment, can a therapist possible be able to give a diagnosis. And normally I would agree. But JD seems on top of her game and after doing research I am highly inclined to agree with her diagnosis.

It started shortly after I hit puberty, which is when it normally becomes noticeable.

JD did say that medication for me would be a good idea. She did not name any drugs, but I looked into what is most commonly prescribed for people with this disorder, and it seems lithium is the drug of choice. Some of the side effects related with it (although rare) are kind of scary. But really, what side effects aren't? Even with over the counter medications.

But there is no use in wondering about the side effects for that drug because of two things mainly:

1. I don't even know if that is what they are going to give me.

2. If they do I don't know what dosage.

So I have to wait. My next appointment won't be one where I get a prescription anyway. That's the one that is currently three weeks away and that's only if the doctor I see decides to write a script for me.

So why am I nervous about treatment? Well, it's not the therapy. Talking isn't a problem. I don't particularly enjoy it, but it does seem to help so far.

It's the drugs. What if I'm not the same person after? I mean I know it's going to alter me in some way.. other wise what's the point of taking it? But what if I'm.. like a totally different person. That thought scares me a little.

I'm not saying I won't take the medication if it is deemed necessary. In fact at this point I'm hoping it is. Because I don't see how just talking is going to help stabilize my moods.

But the thought still makes me nervous. I'm sure most of it is due to old programming. When I was in my early to mid teens I was on anti-depressants, a sleep aid, muscle relaxers, pain killers, migraine medication.. the list continues. Eventually I just felt like a zombie. I hated it. Hated it.

But the doctors weren't listening to me back then. And I'm not on all those pills anymore. Most doctors don't listen to a 14 year old. They figure they know better, even though they aren't feeling what the 14 year old is feeling.

But I'm 27 now. And JD seems awesome and more than willing to listen and she vouched for this doctor I have to see. Hell, they are part of the same clinic.

So I have more control. Not only am I an adult, but if the doctors won't listen to me, my Husband sure in the hell will and He'll help me. I know He will.

 

 

Because The Voices In My Head Told Me To

I have a sense of humor, apparently. *smiles*

Today I had my first therapy session. Master wanted to come with me, but I didn't want Him sitting in a waiting room for an hour with nothing but random magazines that He normally wouldn't read surrounding Him.

So I headed out, pulled out the money for my copay and went to the appointment. I was afraid I was going to be late due to traffic, but thankfully I was still able to get there 15 minutes early.

They had sent the new patient paperwork to me in the mail, so thankfully that part was already taken care of. So all they needed was my copay and a copy of my insurance card. I really, really like having health insurance. I don't even want to think about how much this would have cost me without it.

I was only waiting about five minutes before the psychotherapist called me back. She offered me coffee, which I politely declined. I instantly liked this woman. She reminded me of my paternal grandmother in a way. She's very motherly.

She asked a lot about my family history, both medically and just how life was for me growing up. That dominated most of the conversation. She also asked about my marriage, my job, how I react to situations etc.

She asked if I had ever been in therapy before. And I told her that I was from when I was 13 to about 15 or 16. I had gone for depression but that it didn't seem to help. The medication made me feel like a zombie. Etc.

Towards the end of the session, she told me that she doesn't feel I suffer from depression. She feels that I am bipolar. I don't have the extremes of mania or severe depression where I just can not function. But she said that there are varying degrees of bipolar disorder.

After her explanation as to why she feels I am bipolar I am inclined to agree with her. After that dream I had, where I found myself again, I felt up. I felt very up. I honestly was thinking to myself "I don't need medication. I'm fine. I'm in a great mood! Everything is great!"

But Master told me I was keeping the appointment because these things come in cycles with me. And I know He is right, and that I do need the help.

When I'm down, I'm down.. but I can function. I don't really care about much, but I will do what has to be done. When I'm up... I'm up. Not totally hyper and/or self destructive, but it's pretty intense. And when switching from the manic periods I can get irrationally angry or irritated for no apparent reason.

The psychotherapist also told me that she feels I would benefit from medication. She said that she does not write prescriptions but that she works with two doctors within the same clinic that do, and that they collaborate on patient cases. She said that she wants to see me once every two weeks and so at the end of the session she walked me out to the reception area and set up our next three appointments as well as an appointment with the doc who can get me on some medication.

She was glad that I was open to being put on medication. And I simply said that was the main reason why I wanted to start therapy, because I apparently can not handle this on my own anymore. Or maybe I never really could.

I really like her. And her office is not that far from home, so it seems I hit one hell of a lucky streak regarding this. I was afraid I was going to dislike her, and not want to go back. But she's great.

And one thing that she explained, which I relayed to Master, was that nothing I tell her will leave that office, unless she feels I am suicidal or homicidal. If either of those happen she'll call Master, and if they can't convince me to go to a hospital, she will call the police to have them escort me to one.

I think that made Master feel better. It also made me feel better, for some reason. Like.. if things did get that extreme Master would have back-up. Because I obviously would not be in my right mind. He may need it. I don't think things will ever get that far gone, but you never know.

So here is hoping that therapy continues to go so well, and that we can find a medication that will help me but not have too many adverse side effects.

*Added later*

I found the word she used! I knew she said a specific type of bipolar disorder but for the life of me I couldn't remember the damn word! So I searched this morning and found it. She said she believes I have Cyclothymia. I will have to do more research on this. I want to be prepared when I go back in two weeks to discuss this with her and actually know something about it. She also said that part of the reason why she feels I was misdiagnosed when I was younger was because no one really questions the "manic" periods when they are not extreme. That and they probably just thought I was being a normal teenage girl. Add on top of that.. my therapist at the time was not listening to me and I did not feel I could be completely open because my mother sat in on all of the sessions.