The Bitch is Back

I honestly can't imagine my life without my Master. It's been that way since shortly after we started dating. A lot of people think that's impossible. You can't possibly love someone after only a few weeks. I loved Him only two weeks after meeting Him. That was it.

I was hooked.

And here we are, 7 1/2 years later. And I am still hopeless when it comes to Him. He is a part of me, and I am a part of Him. He's under my skin, in my head, in my heart, and in my soul.

And I think a large part of why He is so ingrained in every part of me is because of my submission to Him. I may act out, and what not.. but it never changes the fact that the mere thought of Him taking His control (let alone His love) away from me causes me to freak out in every sense possible.

As the years pass by, the feeling of not being my own person, and the actual desire to not be my own person becomes stronger. Just when I think it can't get any more intense, another year goes by and I realize that it in fact has become all-consuming.

I'm not saying I don't have my own thoughts, opinions, or desires. Because I do. But I woke up this morning and couldn't go back to sleep and I sat here thinking...

In this den that we've created for ourselves, He has final say. That doesn't mean He's always right about every little thing, because that's just impossible.

And He does want to hear my opinions, my thoughts, my desires. He doesn't want a robot. He wants a living, breathing, thought provoking extension of Himself.

And that's what I am. We don't always see eye to eye, no one does. But I think He'd be worried if I suddenly just agreed with everything He said. *giggles*

"Kitten the sky is purple with yellow polka-dots, isn't it?"

"Yes, Master of course it is because You said so."

...

No, that's not what He wants. He has always loved that spark I have, and I'm glad that He does. I don't want to be a robot. But I do want to be an extension of Him. I was there, that's what I was not that long ago in the big picture of things.

And I realized as these thoughts rolled around in my head, that I haven't thought this way in far to long. These are the thoughts that have been with me the past few days.

But now those thoughts no longer are needed. The bitch is back.

That extension of Master? She broke that cage. She's back. She's out. I don't know what happened, but I know it to be true. Perhaps it's the season change. Perhaps it's because of something else. Maybe... maybe it was just time.

I had a dream last night.

Meditation is something that Master has taught me how to do. And believe it or not, dreams can sometimes be a form of meditation.

Last night I had one of those dreams.

I went looking for that bitch. I was sick and tired of being this broken shell of what I use to be. Sick and fucking tired of it. I didn't want to be a fragment of what I use to be anymore. I don't want to be broken. I felt so weak, like a pale shadow of who I was. And I just could not stand it any longer.

And so I went looking inside of myself, and there she was.

The dream went like this:

It was dark all around me. I could see myself, and I was nude. Completely. In fact I didn't have my collar, my cuff, my wedding ring, my tattoos, or piercings. Nothing. It was like seeing myself as a blank slate. And it bothered me. It bothered me in a way that I felt physically ill in the dream as I watched this hollow and blank thing that was me.

Where, oh where, was that bitch who was there when we were first married? Where was that edge, that sexual prowess, that... don't fuck with me vibe. It use to be so strong. Where was the uncertainty of who I was, of who we are.

That hollow blank me wasn't me. I fought against the fact that that was what I might revert to if I didn't find myself again. The real me.

And so I forced this weak blank slate to step into the darkness. And suddenly the dream shifted. I was no longer seeing myself, in a third person view. I was looking out through the eyes of the blank Kitten.

And the darkness was all around me, but it wasn't still. It seemed to be moving. It didn't scare me though. I walked, or floated, or whatever you do to move through nothing.

And suddenly I could see something very far away. And it shined.

I started to rush towards it desperately. I didn't know what it was, but I knew I needed to get there.

And suddenly in was in full view. I was right in front of it. It was a cage. It was beautiful. The bars shone. It was the only source of light anywhere. And there was the bitch. The bitch I have always been, but lost some how. She was on all fours, crawling the length of the cage up and down, up and down. Like a large cat pacing in a cage at the zoo.

And everything was on her. The tattoos, the piercings, the collar, the cuff, the wedding ring. The blank slate that I was in the dream stood there, looking down at the cage.

When our eyes locked I could see that she was everything I had been and wanted to be again. The confidence, the sexuality, the hunger. This primal thing in the cage didn't get depressed, she didn't wonder who she was. She fucking knew. There were no doubts.

And she smiled.

And the blank slate me knelt down and was then eye level with the cage, not knowing how to open the cage, not knowing how to become one with the real me.

Suddenly the real me in the cage was no longer looking at the blank me. The blank me was not important. What was important was coming up behind her and the cage.

And it was Master. He walked out of the darkness. And He didn't even seem to see the blank me that was kneeling in the darkness. That wasn't His mate, His mate was locked in the cage. His mate was purring as He approached.

He was nude as well, and His cock was erect and pulsing. It bobbed before Him as He stood directly behind the cage. The real me pushed against the bars frantically. He looked down at the me in the cage, and grinned that evil, knowing grin that He has. The one that makes me wet no matter where we are, or what we're doing.

And He reached down and twisted the bars as if they were made of rubber. I could hear the metal twisting and groaning as He forced it apart. And suddenly the cage shattered. The pieces went every where.

The real me stood up. Master took her hand, and grabbed her by the back of the neck. And He spoke, "It's been too long."

And the real me nodded. And the real me knew exactly what to do. But a merging of her and the blank me was not what was needed. What was needed was for the blank me to no longer exist.

The dream Master turned the real me around to face the blank me, and not so gently pushed her forward, although it didn't seem like she needed much coaching.

She grabbed the blank me, the one "I" was still stuck in.

She strutted over to me and put both hands around the blank me's neck, gently. And the real me tilted her head and smiled. The blank shuddered, almost like glitching. And then "I" was looking through the real me's eyes and the blank me shattered just like the cage had done. Neither existed anymore, not the blank, and not the cage.

And I felt strong, and I felt ... complete. The only me that was left, the real one.. the one with everything I am... turned and walked back to Master. He nuzzled me, and I smiled.

He said, "You know what to do."

And of course, I did. I knelt down in front of Him, my legs spread wide, my arms raised above my head, crossed at the wrists. And Master grabbed my wrists and growled low.

He said, "Don't let it happen again."

And I woke up.

This morning I feel... free. I feel strong, and I feel certain. I know who I am. I am an extension of my Master. I am who I was. And I am back.