Long and Drawn Out

As you may have read on Master's blog we had a very long, drawn out discussion last night. Well it started out as a discussion and turned into a bit of an argument, before calming back down into a discussion.

A while back I had talked about joining the Navy, as an active member. However, I wanted to do office work. Master said no. He flat out said no, He would not have a wife as an active member of any armed forces.

Well last night I told Him how I thought maybe I should get a 2nd job (part time), and all this. There are down sides to it of course. I wouldn't make much money because I wouldn't be able to work that many hours. I already have a full time job, so yeah. Plus I already don't see much of my Husband as it is. Throw a 2nd job in there, even at part time, and it becomes even less.

Why the 2nd job? More cash. Plain and simple.

So then my mind started wandering a bit, because I don't want to go back to retail. I really, really enjoy office work. And of course the Navy Reserves pops into my head. I honestly was not trying to piss Him off when I brought this up. I truly was not. But that's what happened.

Me? I'm not patriotic. Say what you will, but I don't take pride in a place that I just happened to be born in. My parents were born here, they fucked, they didn't move out of the country, so I was born here as well. *shrugs*

So.. why the reserves? Well I'll tell you. Money. It's really the driving force there. Extra cash for one weekend a month, two weeks a year. Bad part? Nine weeks of boot camp. But I would be an office assistant after that. One of my coworkers does this.

Also, for some odd.. odd reason I've always wanted to join the Navy. I had an uncle in the Army (along with some other family members but I didn't see them that often), an uncle in the Air Force, and a cousin in the Marines. The only one that I thought was an asshole was the Marine cousin.. but uh.. yeah.. he was a fucking Marine. Duh, he's an asshole. (No offense, I've just never in my life met a nice Marine.) I had good experiences with members of the military.

Master has also had experience with His family members being in the military. His grandfather (bless him) was in the Army and His father was in the Marines. In Master's experiences with these people, He felt that the armed forces worsened their quality of life rather than improving it.

So as I was saying, since I was young (it was before I was 12, I know this because my grandmother was still alive) I wanted to join the Navy. For one reason or another over the years I just never did.

Master as His blog explains is dead set against this. He doesn't want me to become enlisted as a Navy reserve.

I was going to drop it after the discussions last night, but when I read His blog post this morning it of course came up again. During this conversation He said that the nine weeks of me being gone would be very hard. And I agree with that. I told Him that I would look at it as a means to an end. Training for a job, basically.

Master said it is not because He doesn't think I could do it. He said He knows that if I passed the physical, that I would excel at it. He told me I can do what I'm going to do. But I won't have His blessing. He won't have my back on this one.

He also told me that my collar and cuff wouldn't mean much because I can only have one Master. He said He spent the past six years trying to break me down and rebuild me, and the Navy would just break all that down and rebuild me the way they want me. He told me that He wouldn't divorce me over it, unless I enlisted and became a totally different person because of it.

Now, keep in mind I'm looking at it only from a job perspective. It's an 8 year contract, which means a job for 8 years unless I get a medical, honorable, or dishonorable discharge from the service.

Master says that it would be another Master.. They would say jump and I would say how high. I look at that much like a job. A boss is another person to tell you what to do, and in a lot of situations you do it because you want to keep your job because you literally need that paycheck. Which is exactly why Master puts up with so much bullshit from His job. We need that income. Flat out. There is no denying that. And that is why I put up with so much shit from my job prior to my current one. I needed that paycheck so I put up with all their shit, I jumped through all their hoops.

So today, Master looked at me and said, "Be selfish about this one. I don't want to crush your dreams, but I can't back you on this." He kept telling me that I had this look on my face when He said no, like He had kicked my dog or something.

But as someone pointed out on His blog already, I probably wouldn't pass the physical anyway because of my fibromyalgia and migraines.

I kept telling Master that I would drop the subject. He doesn't believe me. He says this is something I've always wanted and that I'll keep bringing it up until I'm to old to be a recruit. But I don't want to stop being His slave. I don't want to feel like I am out right defying Him. I don't want Him to look at me every day and go, "You just had to go and do it... didn't you?"

But through out the day today He dropped hints about how I should call, get more info, that sort of thing. He says if I'm going to do it, He would rather me do it now so my "term" could be up all the sooner. (If I join now, I'd be 34 when the 8 years was over.)

I'm confused, and not sure what to say on the subject anymore. He has already said, and wrote that if I go forward with this.. it'll show Him that my collar and cuff don't mean much to me. And they do. They mean a lot to me.

So it looks like it's extra income/joining the Navy reserves (or trying to) or my submission to Him. In that case, my submission to Him trumps the Navy reserves. But then He'll bring it up again and I'm back to being confused. I know He doesn't want to crush this for me. He loves me. But I also don't want to cause bad blood between us.

Of course all of this is all so.... "what if" ... because as I said, I probably wouldn't get in anyway due to my medical history. So whatever.