Clarify

A Subtle Slavegirl asked some clarifying questions from this post.

So I was reading through your wants and thinking to myself, ‘How are those different to any other relationship?’

You’ve said that you’ve felt naked without your collar and cuffs and you obviously want to identify with slavery, but do you really identify with a ‘bdsm relationship’ ??

I know that everyone has a certain take on what bdsm is and everything, and there’s no *true* definition, but when I look at you guys, I see a marriage in which the man is the head of the household (i.e. a taken in hand sort of situation- he makes the decisions, he leads and you follow) with kinky stuff to complement.

I see you both struggling to define yourselves as something you perceive yourselves to be, but really aren’t that comfortable with. Do you really need to limit yourselves in that teeny tiny box that is M/s and what you ’should’ be doing? Can’t you just be married and follow your alpha’s lead and do what comes naturally to you both?

I think the main reason I feel naked without my collar and cuff is because they hold a lot of sentimental value and they mark me. Much like my tattoo on my right arm marks me as His property.

And being His.. His wife.. His property.. His mate.. is what is most important to me. I have my wedding ring, so that symbol is there. But my symbols of being His property are not. And I am big on symbols.

I do feel we were trying to hard to fit into a little box before. For almost 6 years we did that.

But after we talked this time, after He took the collar and cuff away, it feels different. I know it has only been a week. This last conversation, where He told me this was it.. either I followed or He didn't lead anymore, happened on April 26th. So, last week Sunday.

But even though all the old rules are in place.. begging.. asking permission for everything.. blogging daily.. etc.. it all feels so different.

When I read things online, I don't try to compare myself to that any longer.. I don't worry about others going, "That's not how you're supposed to do it!" or "This isn't what M/s is!" .. Why? Because I simply don't give a fuck anymore.

I still greatly enjoy reading other blogs and I sometimes tool around on FetLife. But there is no scale to put myself up against any longer, besides what Master has set out for me.

He has decided x, y, and z is what He wants. All I have to do is follow it. He leads, I follow. It's as simple as that. And honestly, that's all He ever wanted. I was the one trying to compare and then freaking out. I think He may have done that from time to time, but I honestly don't know.

We still use the titles of Master and slave, but we don't worry about the definitions any longer. We use the titles because that is what it feels like to us. Slave, beta, property.. whatever you want to call me.. whatever definition we may fall under.. the simple fact is that I am His. He leads. I follow.

We throw kink in there.. some bondage.. pain.. control.. etc.. but what we do and don't identify with doesn't matter to me any longer. All I care about is pleasing Him and following His lead. And I'm hoping that is apparent to Him, and not just through what I type here or what I say to Him. I hope that it is clear to Him through my actions as well.

What comes natural to me is to follow His lead. What comes natural to Him is to lead. That's all I concern myself with now. Like I said it's only been a week, but I am going to just relax and go with it. What He wants, I will try my best to give Him.

We are married.. He leads.. I follow.

I think Master said it best when He said it was all getting to highschoolish.. Trying to fit in with the cool kids... me going  back and forth because I've never been one to try and fit in.. and then I would find myself trying to with the M/s or BDSM crowds.. and it didn't work.. I started worrying to much about what our titles were and what others thought that should be. And I think that's why I would freak out. I would think to myself, "Well that definition (meaning others) doesn't really fit what we do.. so why do we use it?"

It doesn't matter. We use those titles because that is what we choose to call ourselves. He calls me many things. Slave, slut, whore, bitch, baby girl, little girl, mate, love of His life... and I call Him Master, Daddy, mate, love of my life..

We call each other what we enjoy calling one another. But when you get down to it, all that matters is that we are doing our thing. Or rather.. He's doing His thing and I'm happily trotting behind Him on that path.

I appreciate your comments. They are making me think, and making me post about it. Which I think are things I need to get out, and that Master needs to read. I've always been better at writing things down than talking about it. Because when I write or type, I have the time I need to form the thoughts into the words I'm looking for, rather than when I'm talking and I have to kind of struggle with it all and hope it doesn't come out wrong.