Stupid

I was supposed to do a blog post last night. It is currently 3:46am. I had taken a nap earlier today because I didn't sleep well last night. I continuously drifted between the fully asleep to the half awake/half asleep state. I don't know why. I never woke up enough to bother looking at the clock. Like I said I drifted from one state to another.

I didn't even think about my blog post until about 20 minutes before we were going to go to bed. And as soon as it crossed my mind I said, out loud, "Fuck! I was supposed to do a blog post tonight." Master said, "Yes, I know." He didn't mention any kind of punishment or anything along those lines. I then explained that because I had been doing some of my posts at midnight or a little later it kind of threw me off. It's not an excuse at all. It's just the truth.

I had taken my pills right before we went to bed, like I'm supposed to. But I'm laying there and honestly I wasn't laying there very long, but I could already tell that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep right away. So I just got out of bed. It was either that or I was going to toss and turn and most likely keep Master up. I know He hasn't been sleeping well either.

The only issue is that I had already taken my pills. With the dosage I'm on normally if I'm up too long after I've taken them I start to get double vision and begin to walk around like I'm drunk. Part of me wanted to just lay there and deal with not being able to fall asleep just for that fact. But after a few minutes I decided I would just take my chances. After all, if I begin to feel that way I can just go to bed. Once I sleep I feel fine. And when I wake up in the morning there are no side effects what so ever.

But the whole not doing my blog post when I was supposed to is eating at me. I feel guilty. I feel bad. Not just a little bad. I actually feel pretty horrible about it. I've been doing so well. A few verbal but light reprimands here and there but other than that I haven't fucked up. I haven't had a big fuck up in a long time. And then I do this. And there is no excuse for it because after all I'm unemployed. So it's not like I don't have the time. I ran some errands today but I was home by 4:30pm. And yes, I'm stressed the fuck out because I'm not working and finances and family shit is constantly on my mind... And I'm okay. I'm not flipping out. But I've been a lot more stressed than this and still remembered to do my blog post.

After all it sometimes helps me calm myself down because I'm not focusing on everything at once. I'm simply focusing on writing my blog post. And how hard is it to remember to do my blog post? It's not. I've been doing it since 2007 after all. It wasn't always daily and right now it's every other day. Yes, I've been doing some posts past midnight so the dates don't always line up but since I'm not going to bed until about 2:30am to 3am it feels to me like I'm sticking to the schedule I'm supposed to and Master hasn't really had an issue with it as long as it was done before bed. The post isn't done on time. No I'm not in bed. No I haven't fallen asleep. But I did attempt to go to sleep. So this post doesn't make up for the fact that I missed the post for the 26th.

When I was working it had to be done before my bedtime, which was 11pm. Sometimes He would be feeling generous and allow me to stay up later than that. On the weekends I didn't really have a bedtime but the posts were still done before 11pm.

I don't know if He plans on punishing me. If He does, I don't know what it would be. He may allow it to slide. I just don't know. He didn't get pissed off when I realized and announced out loud that I didn't do my post. He didn't order me to do it anyway. His tone didn't change at all. But that doesn't really mean He isn't going to punish me for it. He doesn't punish me out of anger. He punishes me to teach me a lesson and remind me of my place in this relationship.

Since I haven't fucked up in a big way in a long time this is really eating at me. It would have bothered me even if it hadn't been a long time. But I feel like a total fucking moron. I feel like I'm not a good girl at all. I feel like utter shit right now actually. I'm very upset with myself.

I won't know whether or not I'm going to be punished until tomorrow. I don't know if that's part of why I don't feel tired. Not so much the waiting to see if I'm going to be punished, but rather that I feel like a really, really bad slave right now. Some people may think it's not that big of a deal. But it's one of the rules that has remained in place for years and years and suddenly this? Really? What the fuck!

But now the effects of the medication are kicking in so I should probably go lay down before I have problems walking down the hallway.