Changes

Through conversations a lot can come out into the open, and it can even open up doors that you didn't even think were there.

First we had a very long conversation on Sunday. From there we felt some things had been resolved but not everything, apparently. I still had that restless feeling and He still felt like there was more to be said. It was just that neither of us knew what that was.

And so this evening, after I got home from work, we decided to talk. We had not been communicating very well through out the day on the phone and we both felt way off to one another.

Eventually we got to the meat of the matter. We love each other very much, and we are mates above and beyond everything else.

However..

When we first started this path of Him being the Master and I being His slave, we already had a jumping off point. And that jumping off point was the fact that we naturally interacted as Alpha and beta. Basically I looked to Him to lead, but I also had a say in some things and wasn't punished.. etc and so on. And by not punished I mean He may nip at me, but I didn't have a belt going across my ass and sleeping on the floor.

If you know the workings of a wolf pack Alpha and beta, you get the general idea. You might want to call it Head Of Household or some thing like that. I honestly don't know, because I don't know much about that dynamic.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here.

You see back when we first started dating and noticing that we were acting this way we weren't sure what the hell to call it. You say and Alpha/beta dynamic and people cock their heads at you and wonder what kind of drugs you're on and why you're not sharing.

So we researched it, as I'm sure as most do, on the internet and we found a dynamic called Master and slave. It shared some of the ideas that we were already doing and then added a bunch of other things into it.. That is if you wanted to fit that little box. Granted there are a million ways of doing it but still when you get those people into a room together, it's mostly.. "You're doing it wrong".. and "No you shouldn't do that."

Like if I were to push back or become bratty, I was being a bad slave and should kiss His feet and beg for forgivness. However on the flip side of that coin if He tried to regain control, He was being to hard on me and should take my feelings into consideration. Meanwhile we'd both look at all that and go, "Um.. isn't that the point of this whole thing?"

And it just got way out of control.

We were trying to live up to some sort of standards, whether real or imagined. We would get comfortable and become lax in our "positions" and honestly, we would have more fun during those times. And then one or both of us would go, "Oh yeah.. we're supposed to be doing this," and then we'd talk about it and get back into that groove just to end up back in that comfortable situation.

And Master didn't always want full control. Some days the poor guy just wants to sit back and relax and not have to worry about holding the damn leash. And sometimes I would want to just relax and go, "Can't this slip just for a little while?" But see, we'd drive each other nuts because we were like "No damnit. This is what should be going on and it's not!!! Ahhh!!!"

So tonight while talking we decided fuck it. We love each other, we're sick of beating our heads into a wall. We would try to "correct" it and then we'd be fine for a while and then we'd eventually end up back at square one with yet another conversation, going round and round in these fucked up loops.

So we're taking it back to basics. He's my Alpha and I am His beta. He takes point lead, and I'm there to follow but can also do things for myself. I'm not sure how well I can explain this right now because it's going to take some getting used to on both of our ends. I mean you spend almost 6 years trying to make something it wasn't originally intended to be and well.. you go back to what it was and it's bound to take some getting used to, ya know?

A good example about why this was driving us nuts is because it was always the little things that were tripping me up. He'd get slack or I'd get comfortable and I'd forget to beg or scent and He was sick of having to always get on my case about it, when we've been here so many times before.

And yet I could do the major things. For instance, I know He recently brought up the situation where He had me sleep with one of His friends while He was there. Well yeah, I didn't fight that cause 1) it was out of the ordinary, and 2) it was something I trusted Him with. Although He was just making a comparison showing that something so big was something I didn't fight at all, and I would fight Him about the little stuff. He wasn't upset because I didn't fight the big thing (sleeping with His friend) He was upset because it was the little things that I was fucking up on.

So now where do we stand? Well we're fine. In fact I think we're better than we have been in quite some time.

He is taking a break from His blog and I am planning on keeping mine. Although as I'm sure some of you may have noticed I have changed a few things. I got rid of my Dear Kitten page. I also got rid of the disclaimer. Why? Those things don't really apply anymore. I have also renamed the blog, for now, to simply "Kitten's Paw Prints". I haven't changed the URL because well, I don't wanna pay for that right now and I'm not sure what title I want permanently. I also took down the punishment ticker. (It had gotten past 8 months.) Why? Because there is no need to keep track of such things now.

I am no longer "required" to post, however I like it. I have a feeling a lot of people are going to stop reading here because it doesn't fit the whole "M/s" or "D/s" category. And I'm okay with that. I want to continue blogging. There is a lot of history here, and no matter what category, if any, it fits under now.. it's our history. And I would like to continue recording our future.

I'm sure we'll still have "kinky" sex and all that. Why? Because no matter what we enjoy it. So there, and such. ;-)

I'm still His Kitten. It's a term of endearment, always has been. And I'm sure you've noticed that I'm still capitalizing the H in He and Him. That's habit, and a sign of respect in my eyes after all these years. I don't know if I'll keep doing it. But one thing I do know for sure is I do have a deep respect for my Husband, and I love Him very much.

Also, I still have on the Eternity Collar and Cuff. He told me I could treat them more like jewelry now. I can Him to take them off. (I'm not talented enough to use an allen wrench by myself.) Plus they hold sentimental value. My Husband gave these to me. The collar was for my 24th birthday right before we got married, and the cuff was for Christmas last year.

So my restlessness is gone. Literally, as soon as we were done talking, it felt like it just left me completely.

I think during this time we kept trying to make something that we were both extremely comfortable with into something it wasn't. Don't get me wrong, we had a lot of fun and I don't regret a minute of it. But I think we'll both be more relaxed now and happier.

People say you have to work for things that are worth it. That is true. But then again, making something into what it is not meant to be is more harmful to the situation than it is helpful.

We, as a couple, as mates, and as Husband and wife are worth working for. Something that we can never seem to "get right", is not.

So my Alpha, my mate, my Husband, a new path has been started and I love You very much.