What I Want

A Subtle Slavegirl asked me in a comment what I want Coyote to do as my Owner. She also asked if anything has changed, as far as what I want, over the years.

Well, for my daily post, I figured this was a damn good topic! So thank you. :-)

The easiest thing for me to do here, is to answer both questions at the same time, kind of. So hopefully ya'll can follow this and it'll make sense by the time I'm done. If I repeat myself, forgive me.

When Master and I first started this path, we were only in the bedroom. Basically it was all about kinky sex. This is not necessarily a bad thing, and it was great. But eventually we both felt that we needed something more. He found Himself giving me orders during every day situations and I found myself looking to Him to tell me what to do. So we did more research, again online, and read all sorts of things. You know, the online BDSM community is kind of like the Bible. It's full of contradictions.

But we did our best to follow it.

It didn't really take us that long to figure out that we don't think like everyone else, and that following it "by the book" wasn't really for us.

And so we began trying to find our own way. We sifted through all the bs and tried different things here and there to see what really did it for us.

Over the years He has gotten more strict and I have had periods of time where I have attempted to rebel against it, or just try to redefine it. Of course the most recent example being just a week or two ago. (It's sort of a blur.) Each time this has happened, I have broke and begged Him to take the reigns again, fully. Why do I break? Because it's what I want. The rebellion leaves me rather quickly and I go, "What the fuck was I thinking?" and come crawling back with my tail tucked between my legs.

Why any of that happens, the rebellion I mean, I'm not sure. I think maybe it becomes to natural and I freak out a bit. It all becomes so familiar that I start to think that hey.. maybe we need to do something different! Only whenever we do that, it never turns out well. I mean we aren't at each others throats or anything, but it feels... uncomfortable. It doesn't feel right at all. And that is why the rebellious stage fades so damn quickly and I always come back to kneel at His feet.

I honestly think this last bout was because so many changes were going on and His ambitions were differing from mine. I had gotten this new job, we were talking about moving, etc.. and I think that was my way of trying to regain some of that control back. Bad fucking move.

Why was it a bad move? Because I don't want the control, at all, when it comes to our relationship. When it's in my hands I look at it like it's a new life form and I have no idea what the fuck it is or what to do with it.

And I think the reason why it never hit me quite the way it did this time, is for a few different reasons. 1. It never went on this long. It was at most a day or two. This was almost a week. Or maybe it was a week. 2. He took the collar and cuff away and I now have to earn them back. And every time I look at myself in the mirror and I see a bare neck I cringe. And every time I touch my neck I shiver because I don't feel that shiny thing around my neck. Every time I look at my wrist, the cuff isn't there. Well you get the idea, I'm sure.

Also I am getting a little older now. When Master and I first started on this path I was 20. Now, I'm 26 and I don't want to be in that young adult rebellious stage anymore. I don't want to test Him, I don't want to push my boundaries. Yes, I did this very recently, but the kick in the tail that this has caused and the meditation I have done on it kind of feels like an intervention of sorts.

I was acting self destructive. I know it hurts me, emotionally and mentally, when I do this shit.. when I try to alter our course.. so why the hell do I do it? Why do I put the man I love through this shit? Ugh. Enough of the drama, ya know?

Oh we'll still have drama, I'm sure. *laughs* Just not that kind. As Master said to me at one point before I asked to change it all back.. "This is it. I'm done. This is the last time. It's getting a little to highschoolish for me." And He was right. It is.

I don't know if I'm just rambling or if I'm actually answering the questions.

Over the years, my wants have changed. I used to want to be able to run to the end of my chain and for Him just to go, "Silly pup," and reign me back in.

Now? I don't want any length of chain. I want to be shackled to Him and His word.

I want Coyote, as my Owner, to take full control.

I want to be told when I'm being good, not just when I'm being bad. And I want to be told I'm a good girl more than just after sex or during sex. Praise is important to me.

I want affection. I need that. I need it very much, because I'm a very affectionate person.

I want Him to form me to His will, even though I know that it won't be a complete overhaul because He loves my thoughts and ideas, and the fact that I think for myself.I love that actually. That He still wants me to be able to debate with Him and have long discussions about many different things. I love that He still wants to joke around with me and be goofy.

I want Him to be able to roll with the changes of life. And thankfully this is one thing He is very, very good at. He can alter things at the drop of a hat to fit whatever situation.

I want Him to love me. Thankfully, He does. Very much. I don't think I could serve Him the way that I do if He didn't love me.

I want Him to realize that sometimes I get stressed out, or I'm in a lot of pain, and take that into consideration. And He does. He won't necessarily alter anything all the time, but He does take it into consideration.

That's about it really. But thank you, because your questions stirred some other thoughts I didn't really want to put here, because well... I wasn't sure how to word them and also I wasn't sure how they would come across. But that doesn't matter, because that's what this blog is for. It's to work through things. :-)