He Always Knows

Somehow, some way, He always knows.

He knew that when my restlessness kicked in that I would bring up the fact that I thought we should alter how we do things, as far as our dynamic. And He was right, I did. And yes, once we had that conversation, my restlessness left me.

And then, after that, and after He had talked about shutting down His blog, and I had changed the name and URL of mine, He knew that I would come back to this again.

I don't know what it is, but there have been times over the years, where I have wanted to alter what we do and how much say I have and how much control He has, and yet every single time we end up back here. Back with me kneeling at His feet saying, "Lead me Master."

The past few days (since April 21st to be exact) we have been fine. I mean we didn't fight, we didn't argue, we enjoyed one another, we fucked, etc. And yes, things seemed to feel smoother. But there was also this underlying feeling of.. wtf?!

I would pause when I would go to do things that I normally had to ask permission for. And He would pause when He wanted to give an order for me to do something.

And the few times I did "slip", and ask Him for permission He would say something like, "Why are you asking me?" or "I don't care."

And when He would say such things it would feel like a cut, and it would burn. And I couldn't understand why. Why would it burn if this is what I wanted? To not have to seek permission.. Interesting.

And then even though I didn't have to I would beg, or clean Him off during sex. I would kneel at His feet. Not simply out of habit, although I'm sure that's part of it, but also because I felt like I needed to. There was something driving me to do so.

And also, why the hell was I still wearing my cuff and collar? I wasn't a slave anymore.. wtf. Yes, they have sentimental value, but each time I thought about taking them off my stomach would do a flip.Weird.

So last night it all came to a head. He said how He felt more like an Alpha as we were before. He then said that if I had just done as I was told, we wouldn't be in the situation we are in now. The situation, of course meaning that I was looking to Him to lead, to order, and He wasn't doing it and I was sitting there stupified.

So I cried. The words stung because He was right. Yes, He can be slack with the leash, and I tend to run with it when He does. We're both at fault in that case. But when He wasn't being slack, I would still try to run until I was yanked back. I wasn't listening. I wasn't following my Alpha.

So He told me that the ball was in my court now. I had to decide what the hell we were doing.

So I went into the bedroom by myself, and cried a bit more and hugged my stuffed animal. Eventually I came back out into the living room and we talked a bit more, although it had nothing to do with anything.

So He said it was time to go to bed. And I followed Him into the bedroom. I laid down next to Him and we talked some more, this time about what I wanted. He had already told me He was happier with me being the slave, and Him being the Master. I knew what made Him happy.

And so I told Him I wanted things to go back to the way they were, and I cried some more, and apologized for always fucking things up. He held me and let me calm down a little bit before telling me what He had to say.

He told me that if this is what I want. If I want to be His slave, that we need to stop always coming to this place where we try and change things. Why? Because we always end up going, "We need to go back."

We were here not that long ago. It was almost a year ago I think. It was before my punishment ticker had gone up. So it was over 8 months ago. And last time He told me that the collar would come off if we got to this place again.

And so He told me that if I wanted to prove to Him that this is what I want, and that I'm not going to "take it back" again in a year, that the collar and the cuff had to come off. And that once I had shown Him that I am serious, and that I can listen, He'll give them back. But not before then. He told me it could be a week, it could be a month, 6 months, or even a year.. but I had to earn them.

And so I agreed.

He is my Master. I am His slave. Why I ever try to deny or change that I'll never know. The collar and cuff are sitting on our dresser. I cried a lot when He took it off. And He held me more and told me it was not a punishment, that He was not angry with me, that He loves me.

And so today, when I got up to get ready for work, I knelt at His feet and He told me to go get ready. I started getting ready, and just as I was about to get dressed He was walking past me in the living room and I stopped and gave Him a big hug. And He grabbed my hair and forced my head back and kissed me roughly, and I melted.

And when I got home from work (B took me home so Master could run errands immediatley after work) I got undressed, knelt at His feet and He grabbed my throat. He commented on it. He said, "So this is what a bare neck feels like." I'll admit I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and I looked down. He smiled at me as He forced my face back up and said, "It's not a bad thing."

And He's right. It's not. I'm still His slave whether the collar and cuff is on or not, but I'm huge on symbols.. and those mean a lot to me. They are literally a half step behind my wedding ring.

But all day I have felt naked, and basically vulenrable. And not in a good way. But this is what He wants, and I can't say that I can blame Him. I've brought us here before, and again I'm begging to be let back in as His slave and to for Him to please take full control again. He wants the games to end. And so do I.

As a side note, you may have noticed that I have changed my URL and my blog title back to what they were. To those of you who had already updated your links, I'm sorry for the inconvienance here. But this blog title, and blog URL are here to stay.