I Confuse Myself

I do. I confuse the hell out of myself sometimes. I often wonder how the fuck I don't confuse Master. Or maybe I do, and He's just really good at hiding it.

Even though Master and I constantly say that our relationship is symbiotic, we still aren't mind readers. Well, at least I'm not. So how is it that sometimes we just know, without a shadow of doubt, what the other needs at a particular moment? It boggles my mind. (Side note: Whenever I use that word that damn line from "Demolition Man" runs through my mind. "What seems to be your boggle?")

My boggle is this. I am many things, and as a result my mind and body both seem to need many things to feel "right". This may be a lengthy post and I don't know if I can get it done all in one sitting, but I'm going to try. Right now Master is at work, so I'm just killing time until He gets here. Then again this post may be shorter than I anticipate.

*sigh*

Shut up Kitten, and just write it already instead of analyzing it.

Here goes.

I am an intelligent being. Maybe not extremely uber smart or anything, but still... there is something there. As a result I enjoy lengthy conversations that often turn into debates. I love to debate. And thankfully Master does as well. Seriously, this man could be a lawyer He loves to debate so damn much. Problem with that is, He'd be held in contempt so damn often. *laughs*

So anyways, since we both love to debate we often get into rather interesting and odd discussions. Sometimes it is really about nothing, we just see where the conversation takes us. These are the times where I am glad that I don't have to hide behind a mask with Him. Some of the things that pop into my head would probably disturb a lot of people and they would be calling the nice men in white coats to bring me a hug me jacket and pretty multi-colored pills. Why? Well, I'm a pretty morbid individual. I have many dark sections in this brain of mind. Sections that sometimes even bother me. But they don't bother Master. He wants me to talk about such things. And because He is how He is, I don't worry about how certain things might sound, or if any of it makes me sound crazy. I know I'm not crazy. He knows I'm not crazy. There for, it is okay to talk about it. This is just part of who I am.

So this portion of myself, needs lengthy discussions and debate to feel right. I also need to vent those darker parts of myself so they do not surround me and weigh me down. Master always seems to know when I need this. I don't know if it becomes obvious or what, but out of no where He will just start a debate with me and before you know it, four hours have passed by and we're still going strong on said topic.

Then there is the part of me that needs to be silly. You know, that hyper part of myself that just needs to let loose once and a while. This is the part of me that gets me in trouble with Him from time to time. I feel I am getting better at making this side behave it's damn self. Last night is a good example. I am feeling a lot better from this cold. I think now it is just sinus crap. So I was feeling good and I was feeling silly. I kept joking around with Master and I was getting to the point where He was no longer finding it amusing. He would dig His fingers into my rib cage and covered my mouth with His other hand. I couldn't stop laughing. I wanted to. I really, really did. I would calm the laughter for a moment or two and then it would start right back up. What the fuck? Eventually Master tripped some sort of trigger and I was able to calm the hell down and stop my giggle fit. I became very docile and just laid next to Him. Again He knew what to do to get me where He wanted me, rather than let my being slap happy take over.

Don't get me wrong, Master likes me being silly. I make Him laugh and we joke around all the time, but this was getting to the point of being disrespectful. Why? Because He was telling me play time was over, it was time to go back to being a good slut and I couldn't stop. I couldn't flip that trigger myself, so He did it for me.

Okay now for the big two. The parts of me that seem to confuse me the most. Now, of course I'm not just these four parts. There are a lot of other aspects to me. But if I were to try and dissect myself completely, this post would never end.

So first let's start with the sappy part. I am not a romantic, not in the traditional sense. I don't celebrate Hallmark holidays. I don't like getting flowers, I find them to be a waste of money. But I do like cuddles and affection. I like it when He just hugs me or pets me for no reason. I crave gentle touches and loving caresses.

Another example from last night. After Master had made me calm down and stop being so silly.. I laid next to Him and my head was near His chest. He gently passed His hand from my temple, through my hair, over and over again. Soft, gentle and loving. He gently kissed me on my cheek and continued these slow petting motions with His hands. And I melted. I didn't want Him to stop. I could lay there with Him petting me in this way, for hours, and be perfectly content.

I love sitting on His lap and just being held. I love it when He traces my spine with His fingers. I greatly enjoy the loving tender moments. I need them, as much as I need the rough and painful things that He does to me.

And that brings me to the other side of the coin. I also crave the rough treatment. I want to be tossed around. I want to be man handled and slapped. I want to be hurt.

This part of me can't get enough either. It is like the slave part of me wants nothing else. Just the rough stuff all the time. And then the more sappy part of me, I'll call this the wife part, wants nothing but the gentle and tender things all the time. I can't get enough of either.

And so it becomes a balancing act. Which side is going to win out? Well, obviously that depends on Master's mood. Is He more cuddly? Or does He want to see me in pain?

One side of the coin or the other. Then there are times like last night where Master likes to switch it up. He wants the best of both worlds. He started out with the gentle and tender touches. And then as soon as His dick was inside of me He wanted the rough stuff. When He got off, and I had cleaned Him off, He wanted more of the gentle cuddly stuff.

And last night those "gear changes" switched very smoothly for both of us. That isn't always the case. Sometimes when He switches gears, it is like my shifter can't engage as quickly and I end up blanking out and going, "Huh?" And sometimes I'm in more of a cuddly mood and He wants the rougher stuff. And vice versa. But it doesn't matter what mood I'm in. He's the boss, and so my gears have to change. And that's how it is supposed to be.

See?! It's confusing. Gentle or rough? Loving wife or whorish slave? Sometimes I don't even know what I want, because the coin just spins and I don't know which side it is going to land on.

Thankfully, in my situation, I don't have to wait for the coin to stop spinning and just drop. Master flips the coin any way He chooses. If He doesn't want the side that it ended up landing on, He flips it again and makes sure it lands the way He wants it to.