Repeat

While I was gone today visiting family, Master did a blog post about how I have been lax on my scenting and my begging. He also mentioned my tone.

After I read the post I asked if He was mad at me. He said no, He had said what He wanted to say.

So after I was done with the laundry, we had finished dinner, and a movie had just ended. So I bowed down in front of Him to beg. He asked if it was because of what He had said. I said that was part of it. So He asked me what the rest was. So I knelt in front of Him and explained.

I told Him that I hadn't been scenting because of my cold sores. Yes, I've been washing my hands all the damn time and using hand sanitizer, but I didn't want to run the risk of the cold sores ending up in places they really don't need to be, via my hands. He understood.

I then explained that with my begging whenever I have gone to do such by kneeling at His feet and being affectionate first He's always seemed sorta down. As a result, of course, I've asked Him what's wrong. He tells me it is because His daughter has not responded to His e-mails. (Trust me I fully understand where that would cause such emotions.) And after He tells me that I don't think it is appropriate to go ahead and beg anyways.

It's not so much because it seems awkward to bend over with my ass basically in His face after He mentions His daughter, but more the... it feels like I would be bothering Him more. You know, like a reminder of.. oh yeah... and then we've been lax on that too. Just adding more onto His plate.

Now I'm sure Master would have understood these things a lot better had I brought it up before He had done His blog post. You know, like when it was happening. Because I'm an idiot I kept my mouth shut.

I should have said something. I should have asked if He wanted me to go ahead and beg anyways.

His job stresses Him out. He's tired and He's sore when He comes home. Now yes, I get stressed out at my job as well. But my job is more because of the idiots I'm having to deal with, not the tasks I am set to. Master on the other hand is stressed because He only ever knows the start time of His day the night before and then never knows when He's getting out of work. On top of that the things He deals with puts other peoples' health, as well as His own, in potential danger.

He is sore because He has a very physically demanding job. I'm sore because of a preexisting condition that decides to flare up every now and again. Totally different reasons.

Then since the 1st, when we first met His daughter He's been wondering if she's going to call, if she is going to send an e-mail back.. etc. He's been under a lot of stress and I was trying to be a good girl and not stress Him further by going, "Yeah.. over here. Me! Me! Me!".

And so this cycle repeats itself. Every time we have a lot of stress going on, and less time together it is like I back off thinking I'm helping by not adding more stress on His shoulders and I don't say anything as to why I'm backing off. And then He doesn't say anything about it until He just is sick of it and does a blog post about it.

He hasn't told me that I am going to be punished. I don't know if I am or if I'm not. But for fucks sake I need to break this cycle, at least on my end. Master wouldn't get sick of it and do a blog post if I would say something as to why I'm backing off in the first place.

I think I'm helping and apparently I'm actually just making matters worse.

Since He's gotten His job there is a lot of changes that both of us have had to get used to. So let's go down the list shall we?

1. We've had to juggle everyone getting to work and back home, a long with all of our errands with one car.


2. New sleep schedules for both of us.


3. Never knowing fully what is going on because of His work schedule being ever changing.


4. He met His daughter for the first time and we are both still trying to wrap our heads around that. As a direct result He is e-mailing her and waiting to hear back which is leaving Him wondering which way to jump.


5. More stress as a result of everything.


6. Our finances. We're getting a better grip on things, but we're still trying to figure out an actual budget.


7. Less time to be intimate. Our sex life was about four to five times a week if not more. Now? It's more like once a week, if that. Again this is a direct result of the added stress and still attempting to adjust to the new sleep schedules.

I think that about covers it. So when I was thinking I was helping by not reminding Him of how little time we actually have together and for the intimate things, I was actually adding more stress because the consitancy of my begging and certain other things were then gone as well. And it needs to stop. I need to learn to just open my big fat mouth and go, "By the way my love 'x', 'y', and 'z' is why I'm doing 'this', 'that', and 'the other'. What are Your thoughts, and how should we fix this?"

By just backing off and not saying anything I'm actually taking some of the control away from Him. This is not my intention, but it's the cold hard truth of the matter. So for that I am sorry.

And it's like Master said in His blog post. It is most certainly a pattern. One that I do not mean to happen, but it happens none the less. And each time it happens neither of us say anything until we reach the point we're at right now.

There must be something wrong with me. You'd think I'd catch on.