Waiting

If there is one thing that will drive both Master and I up a wall, it's waiting. Normally I'm a bit better about it than He is. Or at least I don't show it as much. I'm not saying that there aren't times where He is a lot more patient than I am. But today is not one of those days.

We have plans to meet up with my dad today. We were supposed to leave here a little after 1pm. Like I said in last night's post though things changed because my grandpa needed my dad's help. Completely understandable. That's not the part that's annoying. Not at all. The annoying part comes in when I had asked Dad what time he was heading out of Grandpa's and he said 4pm. I sent him a text at about 3:30pm just looking for an update. No reply. Okay cool. No problem.

Then, a little after 4pm I decided to call him. Maybe he didn't have his glasses or something and he couldn't read the text. I don't know. No answer. I left him a voice mail. I called again at 4:30pm. No answer.

Hm. Alright then. It's now a little after 5pm. Yes, I called him just before 5pm and no answer then either. So... no response to a text and no answer or call backs to three phone calls. I have a feeling that Dad left his cell phone at home, which totally defeats the purpose of having a cell phone I might add. But since he uses it more as a house phone I can easily see him leaving it at home.

I don't want to call my Grandpa's house because I don't know if Dad is still even there and if he's not Grandpa might be sleeping. For all I know Dad isn't there and he's on his way home or running an errand before going home.

My point is that it would be nice for a response of some kind. I am starting to think that my dad may call at and say we should move it to tomorrow. That would suck, especially after waiting all afternoon. We've gone down there a lot later than right now. Hell we've left here at 8pm before to go see him just because of schedules not meshing. But I would still like to know one way or another.

We've pushed off dinner because knowing our luck we'd either start cooking and he would call, we would leave the house to get some kind of fast food and he would call or we would get all the way to the point where we were about to sit down and eat and he would call. Yes, I know we could just eat and then go. But once we know we can head down we'd rather just up and go. Especially when we've been waiting like this.

Slipping Away

Last night Master and I made plans to go visit my dad on Friday (tomorrow). I get out at noon tomorrow so we were planning on heading out of here around 1pm. I was surprised when the phone starting ringing just before I started this post and saw that it was my dad. My dad isn't much of a phone person, so once plans are made that's pretty much it.

Apparently he got a call from his dad (my grandfather) today. My grandpa... well... his health isn't the greatest. It hasn't been in a long time. But all of a sudden it seems to be getting worse. His mind is going a little bit. He's been "talking" to his wife (my grandmother) as if she's really there for a few years now. She passed away when I was in the 5th grade.

I don't really talk to him much. He pretty much wants to be left alone. He's kind of cut himself off from most of the family. He only "deals" with family for very short periods of time and only really calls when he needs help with something.

Well, today he called my dad because he asked my dad if he had been writing in his checkbook. According to my dad he hasn't helped him with his checkbook in three months. My dad, of course, asked why.

Grandpa said that other people must be writing in his checkbook because he doesn't recognize some of the hand writing in it. And apparently he says it's recent, like within the past month. So my dad is going out there tomorrow to help my grandpa with his checkbook and put his mind at ease.

My dad called me to tell me all this and ask what would be "too late" for us to come down. I said anytime would be fine really. My dad is going to call when he is back home or possibly when he is leaving Grandpa's house. It'll depend on whether or not he remembers to bring his cell phone with him.

I worry about my grandpa. But when I do get to talk to him he only stays on the phone for a few minutes and seems somewhat confused. It's heart breaking. I haven't seen him since last Christmas. And that was only for 15 minutes. He stopped by at my mom's and said hi to everyone. Next thing you know he's mumbling about having to go take care of his dog and left.

Yes, he is still living on his own. He won't be moved from there. He absolutely refuses. After all he built that house. No one can blame him. He just doesn't want anyone at his house unless he can't avoid it, like my dad going there tomorrow. I'm sure Dad will give us an update once we get down there.

It Will Work Out

All I can think about lately is how I want to get out. I want out and I want out now.

I want to move. I've been wanting to move for a few years now. But things are in the way and we weren't sure, in the beginning, where we wanted to move to. What's in the way? Well, mainly finances and the fact that we want to move further away from my job.

A while ago we decided to set moving as an end goal. Something to finally work towards. And then my dad brought up the possibility of us moving into where he is now if he moves out of state so that's always wiggling around in my brain.

Then there is my job. I want the fuck out of there. I am just done with it. So beyond done it's not even funny. And of course I want a job closer to where we want to move to. So something in either His home town or my home town would be perfect. That way it wouldn't matter if we ended up moving into my dad's place (my hometown) or somewhere in Master's home town. Whether we live in one area or the other a job in either place would be close enough to make sense.

Until we move it would be a pain in the ass but I'm okay with that. I'm more than okay with that. It's part of the end game.

Master mentioned last night that He's hating it here more and more. So have I. Ever since we started talking about moving this place just seems to be more and more annoying. The neighbors. The stupid memos from the landlord. The fact that our rent is going up. Just... everything.

And then at my job.. I hate that more and more each day. I don't show it while I'm there, obviously. I go and I do my job and I go home. But my coworkers seem more annoying. My supervisor seems more annoying. Every time I get an e-mail about a "rush" job while I'm juggling 200 other things I want to smash my monitor.

But it's a good thing I can keep calm and not show my frustration while I'm there.

I just keep telling myself that it'll all work out. The sooner the better, but it will all work out. Everything will line up. That line of thought is keeping me sane at the moment.

Pain Therapy

Something crossed my mind earlier today. Anyone who reads this blog regularly knows two things about me. Okay, so you probably know a lot more than two things about me if you read this blog a lot, but for the sake of this blog post I'm referring to two things in particular. 1. That I am a masochist. 2. That I have fibromyalgia.

So anyway, what was running through my mind was that maybe one of them effects the other. No, I don't think that my being a masochist makes my fibromyalgia worse. That would be idiotic of me really. But I do think that my fibromyalgia effects my being a masochist. I know that not all of my nerve endings react the way they normally would. I'm not sure if it's directly related or not, but it's something that I noticed about myself.

There are times where my neck and/or shoulders are really bothering me. They haven't gone into full lock up/don't fucking touch or breathe on them mode but they are pretty bad. And I remember a few times where, for whatever reason, I asked Master to bite me right where it was hurting the most.

Sounds dumb right? It hurts, so let's hurt it some more!

But it honestly helped. Master looked at me like I was nuts the first time I asked. It was my right shoulder. That muscle on top of your shoulder that meets up with the side of your neck. I'm not sure why the thought popped into my head but I just looked at Him and asked Him to bite my shoulder right next to the knot that was forming. Not the knot itself but just to the side of it.

He of course asked me if I was sure and I said yes. It's not like He wouldn't stop if I asked Him to. So He had me kneel in front of Him, with my back to Him. I moved my hair and He told me to take a deep breath. As I inhaled He positioned Himself and then as I exhaled He bit down.

It hurt like a mother fucker. I didn't ask Him to stop though. Well, not right away. Finally the pain got to be too much and I asked Him to stop. He immediately released my flesh from His jaws. I remember that I leaned forward, damn near putting my forehead to the floor. But then I sat back up and while I was light headed my shoulder actually felt looser, oddly enough.

It really did help. Yes, it hurt a lot but it kept my shoulder from getting to that place where it locks.

So, when that memory strolled on through my gray matter I started to wonder if maybe that's part of the reason why I enjoy certain kinds of pain. It keeps the focus off of my normal day to day pain. Not always, but sometimes.

The other part of it is just that I'm twisted that way. *smirks*

Real Life

Master and I had incredible sex this past weekend. It was wonderful. Our sex life seems to be on a down swing unless it's a weekend. I know why. I'm so tired and we're both sore as hell. Other things are going on around us aside from work. There are just a lot of things for us to keep our eyes on that it's hard to focus on one thing for an extended period of time. And so, sex and kink goes on the back burner.

Welcome to real life, right? Right.

It sucks but every day can't be pain, control, and orgasms. Unfortunately. That would be awesome as hell. Nothing but be a slave and a wife all day long while everything works itself out and things go smooth as silk. But that's not how things go. It seems like to older we get (both Him and I) the more we focus on things outside of the dynamic. And it's not like it's on unimportant things. They are extremely important. We're focusing on end goals and how to get ourselves there.

And it's not as if we don't think about the dynamic at all. It's still in place. It's always in place. It's just not at the forefront as much. And honestly, the dynamic is focused on more than the sex. That's not a bad thing really.

He enforces everything. Bedtimes. Rules. Needing permission to do things. You know, the day to day stuff. And the day to day portion of the dynamic is important. I would be lying if I said it wasn't. If that goes the whole tower of cards falls down.

The sex isn't top priority. Sex is important. But life gets in the way. A long day, sore muscles, and a tired mind gets in the way. I know a lot of it is me. I also know that Master's body has been giving Him hell lately too.

But now all of a sudden my migraines are back. I had a bad one yesterday. I've had one sneaking up on me on and off all day today.

One day everything will settle. The end goal will be a reality and maybe, just maybe we can go back to relaxing a little more, breathing a little easier, and be able to be more care free.

Bells & Whistles

Master and I have a lot in common. Like insane amounts in common. But there is one thing that we will never see eye to eye on and it drives us both a little nuts sometimes. *laughs* Not like in a we are going to fight over it sort of way, but it just gets on our nerves every once and a while.

Master... is a caveman. Or at least that's what I call Him. And He freely admits to it and is even proud of it. He doesn't really like technology. Well, not advancing technology anyway. And even then, only certain things. I'm sure that makes no sense what so fucking ever so I'll put it this way... Outside of His Xbox 360 and the computer.. He doesn't like a lot of tech stuff. I had to twist His arm to even have a cell phone for a while. And even then He only wanted a cell phone that you could talk on. He didn't want all the bells and whistles. Which is fine. The reason He had one at that time is because of the kind of work He was doing where He would be gone for who knows how long and who knows what time of the day or night. He was pretty much on call 24/7.

Once He was no longer doing that kind of work, we let His cell phone go because He simply didn't want it anymore. He likes the fact that I have a cell phone because He worries about me, especially since I'm driving 45 minutes one way to work. And ever since that one night five or so years ago where I was literally 3 hours late getting home from work due to a blizzard He has wanted me to have a cell phone on me at all times.

But... He doesn't really care for the fact that I want a cell phone with all the bells and whistles. I have a smart phone. I've actually just recently upgraded to it within the last year. He doesn't really even like texting. He feels that a phone should just call people. End of story. Done.

Me? I like my gadgets and my cell phone is my gadget. I love customizing it and playing with it. I like that I can text and talk and surf the internet and play games. I'm just geared towards enjoying tech toys. Master? Not so much. He loves the fact that we have a flat screen TV and He loves His Xbox 360. The computer He is cool with. Anything outside of those three items.. not so much.

It gets on His nerves because I'll kind of focus on my cell phone a little too much sometimes. For instance, I have been nuts about Candy Crush. I honestly have been playing it a lot on my phone. As in basically any chance I get and I have my 5 lives to get through. It's almost addicted to the damn thing. But I promised I wouldn't play it so damn much.

Although today for some reason I've been focused on finding new ringtones for me phone. I'm a little tired of the one I have now. But see, I don't just want a new ring tone. I like the things on my phone to match and have a theme. I want the wallpaper to make sense for the ringtone and for the ringtone to match the text message notification. I'm... weird that way. I have no idea why I'm so obsessive about that but I am. So today I've been searching on and off for a new "theme" for my phone. That annoyed Him because I started doing it while we were watching something together. I still didn't nail it down. I felt bad and stopped after a while.

It drives me a little nuts only because I do enjoy my tech and because Master doesn't He'll gripe about it sometimes and that'll annoy me just like it'll annoy Him that I focus on it.

It's really not a big deal. It just kicked up in my mind because of my searching for a new theme on my phone and I saw how annoyed Master was by it at the time. 

Visualize

Since I made that post about moving I haven't been able to get it out of my head. And it's not about moving in general. It's about moving into my dad's place if he moves. I just can't stop thinking about it. I see it as if it's actually going to happen. As if I know it's going to happen even though it's an "if" and a "maybe" right now. I guess part of the reason why I'm seeing it more as if yes, it's going to happen is because of how my dad talked about it and seemed so relieved when we said yes. And also how he talked about it as if it were going to happen after the fact. Once he heard that we said yes he started talking about things he would leave behind and what things he would take with him. He started talking about how he would help move furniture and all that. He wouldn't be taking it all with him obviously, as she already has some things.

As a result, it's been swimming around in my head. It's actually gotten to the point where I am picturing where things will go once we start living there.

Dad already said his entertainment center would stay there but since we have a larger flat screen TV we wouldn't be able to use it. That was actually one of the things Dad said he would be leaving behind because it's so damn big. And he also said he would help us move it.He told us that he doesn't care if we redecorate. That, to me, sounds like he has pretty much made up his mind that he is moving and we'll be moving in there.

I also thought about how little furniture we have. I mean we have a two bedroom apartment. We'd be moving into a three bedroom home that has a lot more space to fill. We'd have to buy a few more pieces of furniture just so the place wouldn't feel so empty. Not right away obviously. And I'd have to wait and see what Dad ends up leaving behind. I only know a few items that he wouldn't be taking with him.

I also started to think about how we would have to keep an eye on the electricity and water bill. Paying an electric bill in an apartment and paying for one in a home is an entirely different situation. And I've never had to pay a water bill before.

My Dad did go into about how much he pays per month for both bills and how much the mortgage was so that we would have an idea of what kind of budget we were looking at. See what I mean about how it seems he has pretty much made up his mind? I mean, why even go into all that if he hadn't? I sure in the hell don't go rambling off how much my monthly bills are to other people. And he never has before, so simply because he went into all that it makes me thing that yes, this is going to a happen it's a matter of when.

Master can't get it out of His head either. We decided that we'll just start putting money aside for the move and for some padding. It makes sense either way. I mean, we wouldn't need to save up as much money if we were moving into my dad's place because there wouldn't be a security deposit or anything like that. But some padding is never a bad idea.

And if we don't move into my dad's place we still plan on moving. So the money will be needed one way or another.

Honestly though I don't even think about moving anywhere else anymore. I don't wonder or worry about finding a new place or what kind of neighborhood we'd be looking in. When I think about moving I immediately think about moving into my dad's place. I think about how it's going to be a pain in the ass to get some of our furniture in there. Only the couch and bed. Everything else should be relatively easy.

I don't plan on bringing it up to my dad though. I mean, if he does okay cool. But I know it's a little way off before he does move or she moves in with him. If he brings it up, I'll be more than happy to talk about it.

Master and I aren't telling anyone about it. Everyone knows we want to move. That's common knowledge. But no one has a clue about the possibility of us moving in there. And no one will until it is set in stone. Meaning that there is a date set for us to move. It just doesn't make sens until that point.

Pen & Paper

I'm not really sure what prompted it, but I wrote Master a letter today. By letter I mean I actually used a pen and a piece of paper. I didn't type it out. It wasn't an e-mail and it obviously not a blog post.

Before we were living together we would talk on the phone every now and then but because of long distance calling it was just a hell of a lot easier (and cheaper) to just chat over instant messaging. And then of course there were my hand written journal posts. I didn't start blogging until we were married. Anyway, during that time we would still write each other letters. We never mailed them. It was just something where if we were thinking of something and couldn't talk to each other at that time we would just write each other letters and then give them to one another the next time we saw each other.

I know that probably sounds really, really stupid. Back then we would see each other twice a week and then once a month He would spend the night at my place. But for some reasons those letters seemed to help the feeling of distance. Maybe because we could just pick them up and read them anytime we wanted to. When we were missing each other or something along those lines.

Again, very sappy and dumb sounding but it's what we did. I would write Him letters and He would write me ones. It wasn't very often at all honestly. They were rare, but they happened.

And for some reason I wrote Him one today. I haven't done that since we moved in together, over eight years ago. I guess I just had a lot on my mind and we couldn't talk right then. I couldn't message Him. And I didn't want to write it in a blog post. So I guess it just made the most sense to me. I actually kind of miss writing out letters. Typing is a hell of a lot faster, granted. But there is something about holding a pen and moving it across the paper that is comforting to me. I guess it's similar to actually physically holding a book and reading rather than reading it on a computer screen.

I gave Him the letter when I got home from work and He read it right away. It's currently sitting on top of our computer tower. We talked about what I had put in the letter a little bit. There really wasn't a discussion to have about it. They were just things on my mind that didn't really need a comment from Him but I just wrote it more so He would know where I was at. Sometimes it's easier for me to express that by writing or typing it then talking. I tend to ramble and kind of get lost in the conversation if I'm trying to break things down while I'm talking.

I'm glad I wrote it. I feel better now.

Looking At It Wrong

I called the lady that left the voice mail yesterday regarding a job interview. I was surprised when I got her on the first try. I called her as soon as I was on my lunch break and in my car. It only rang once and she picked right up.

It sounded great at first. I could easily do the job. The drive would have sucked until we moved, but I could live with that. Hell, she was even willing to stay late in order to do my interview so I wouldn't have to miss any work. She basically made it sound like the job was mine without even having met me. But before I went ahead and scheduled the interview I asked her how much the pay is.

She told me that we would talk about it at the interview. I responded by telling her that I wasn't trying to be disrespectful but I needed to know before the interview. I didn't want to waste her time or mine just to find out that the pay is too low.

She said she understood. She told me the amount. I asked her whether that was negotiable. She said that it was firm.

It was too low. It was almost a $3/hour pay cut. That adds up quickly and is a larger pay cut than I can afford to take. She again told me that she understood and wished me luck on my job hunt. I wished her luck in finding the right person.

It was all actually very nice. She seemed like an extremely nice person.

It sucks that it seemed to be right there in front of me and then having to turn it away. But as Master pointed out it's a step in the right direction. At least I got a call. Which is a good point. He told me I was looking at it wrong. At least someone showed interest, which just means that so will other companies. And as a result, sooner or later, the right one will come along.

He's so smart. *smiles*

Voice Mail

Today was a really rough day at work. Towards the end of the day though Master sent me a message. Apparently a place I applied to on Saturday had called the house phone and left a voice mail.

When I got home I called back, even though I knew they wouldn't be there. I just wanted to let them know that I received their phone call. I did stumble over my words a bit, so hopefully I didn't sound like a complete idiot. I just hate leaving a message for voice mail. I don't know why. Most likely because I'm afraid I'll stumble over my words. Which I did.

Master told me I sounded fine. So I'm probably making more out of it than I should. I did say in the message that I would be calling back tomorrow during my lunch break, which I take at 11:30am. I'm hoping I'll actually get a hold of someone.

One of the hardest things about looking for a job while you have one is making sure you can actually get a hold of people while you're at home or on your lunch break. I'm obviously not going to call them on my work phone while I'm clocked in. That would be very, very stupid of me.

It is only a little closer to home, but even a little bit is better than further out or the same distance. I have no idea how much they will pay for the position. One the job listing it said to be determined. I'm sure it goes almost purely on experience.

It's basically a data entry job. Which I would rock at by the way. I know I screw up in my blog posts but that's because it's not work. I don't really know how else to explain it. I can type up to 70wpm. I have no idea how fast I am at 10-key data entry. I've never been tested purely on that. But I'm still rather fast at that, I think.

I'm not getting my hopes up because while I'm excited that someone called me about a job, I still know that it will largely depend on how much they pay and whether or not it goes to an interview let alone an actual job offer. We'll just have to sit back and see.

Unintentional

Master wanted me to dress up last night. I waited to take my bath until after the animals were taken care of for the night. It didn't make much sense to me to take my bath, wait to take care of the animals, and then put on lingerie.

I put on my school girl outfit. He seemed pleased.

The sex was amazing, although something caught me off guard. When Master was using His mouth the suck and chew on my tits, it felt amazing. But then He did something He almost always does, that I normally enjoy. He moved His mouth in such a way that the bottom of my breast was completely in His mouth and I felt His teeth scrape the skin just under it. It hurt like a mother fucker. He does it all the time, like I said. And normally I really enjoy it. But last night for some reason it really hurt and I reacted to it. All I did really was hiss through my teeth and say ouch a little loudly.

He stopped and I could hear that He sounded a little confused by my reaction. I simply said, "I don't know why but that really hurt."

He knew it wasn't a good hurt. And yes, He's sadistic but there is a difference. There is the kind of pain He wants to inflict and then there is the pain He did not intentionally inflict. This time it was the latter. If He's not trying to make it hurt, it does Him no good. He doesn't get off on it if the pain is caused accidentally.

So He apologized and let me take a moment to realign myself basically. Once I relaxed a little bit He continued. Sometimes pain that I know He doesn't mean to cause really fucking throws me off. It'll almost kill the mood entirely. Not just because of the pain but because it kind of shocks me mentally. I don't really know how to describe it.

It's not like I really know when or how He is going to hurt me but there seems to be a difference to me. When pain hits me during sex I always know if that was on purpose. And when it isn't, it definitely hits my system differently.

Like I said, I'm not sure how I know or how I know it the second it happens. Especially when He doesn't even know it has happened. Weird.......

I obviously "got over it" rather quickly and by the time we were done fucking I was in pain in certain areas, but it hurt in a very good way. For some reason I also had a little bit of sub drop and cried for a few minutes. I don't know if one has to do with the other but sub drop hasn't happened to me in a very long time.

Theme of the Day

Today seems to have had a theme... Oddly enough.

After work I had some errands to run before going home. One of those themes was stopping by our landlord's office and dropping off our lease renewal. Well, when we got the renewal in the mail it had another piece of paper with it. That letter said that apparently you can transfer to one of their other properties. They have properties in Master's home town. So when I dropped off the rental agreement I first told the landlord that my first name is misspelled on the paper work. My first name is always fucking misspelled by people. But I've lived here for eight years... come on now. It was probably just a typo. She did apologize for it.

Anyway, I asked her if we would have to wait to transfer to a different property until the lease ended or if we could transfer during the lease. She informed me that we could transfer to a different property whenever we wanted. Coolness. She asked me when we were looking to transfer and I told her that I honestly didn't know and that right now it was just a thought we had and I wanted clarification on. If we were to move now my job would be twice as far which means twice as much in gas and twice as much wear and tear on the car. That's just not a good idea right now. I'd like to get a job closer to where we want to go first.

But at least I got some answers that I can keep in the back of my head.

The theme continued when we went down to see my dad, which is kind of weird.

He has been talking about moving in with his girlfriend eventually. This means him moving out of state. I know he's a grown man and he has every right to go wherever the hell he wants but I worry. Not only would it be one of those things where I wouldn't get to see him whenever I wanted but it's also one of those things where what happens if it doesn't work out? Where is he gonna go? He'd have to sell his home before moving so that means he would literally have to start from scratch. That scares me.

I'm not saying his relationship is going to fail, I truly hope it doesn't because he seems very happy, I just tend to think about those kind of things when something that big might happen.

But then they started going back and forth on whether he was going to move down there or she was going to move up here. That part kind of confused me because he keeps telling me that his back cannot take our winters much longer.

I think I know why they were talking about her moving here though. He doesn't want to sell his home. And he has that same worry about what if it doesn't work out.

Anyway, the conversation started like this.. (all that was back story)

We were sitting around having a good time when all of a sudden my dad got really serious. He also seemed nervous. So I asked him what was up. He had me a little worried for a moment.

Baiscally, he asked us that if he does in fact move down to where she is if we would take over his house. If he moves he wants us to move into his house and take over all the bills and pay the mortgage. Well, his mortgage is actually less than what we pay for rent. He got the place from his father (my grandfather) so it was dirt cheap.

Not only does he not have to sell the place, because it would stay in his name, but if something were to go wrong with his girlfriend he would have the ability to come back. If he doesn't ever move back we would just keep the place. He would also be able to store some of his stuff there that he wouldn't be able to take with him right away.

Well then... that was an interesting turn of events. I looked at my Husband and He very quickly nodded his head. So I told my dad that yes, we would move in and take over the payments and bills. My father seemed extremely relieved.

I've always loved that place. It's a three bedroom, two bathroom home that has a huge kitchen with an island. I fell in love with that place the first time I walked in there.

He told us that it wouldn't be happening for another year either way. It's all if this and if that right now. Which is fine. I'm not trying to make him move so I can move in there. But if he does move I'm more than happy to take it.

It also helps that whole worry of what would happen if he broke up with his girlfriend. I would know he would just move back in his place, with us, and we'd figure everything out from there.

So, we have the option of renting a place in Master's hometown lined up via our landlord. And now we have this possibility in my hometown via my dad. Master and I talked about it on the way home and we've basically decided that we are going to wait to move until my dad knows what he is going to do. We don't want to move twice inside of a year if we don't have to. Plus, we don't want to start putting our roots down there only to dig ourselves back up to move to my dad's place. Either way, whether we had already moved or not, we'd move into his place in a heartbeat. It's a home. Not a rental. Not an apartment. A home.

We'd be stupid to not take it. It's not like I'm hoping that he does move simply because we could move into his place. I am just saying that we would be stupid not to take him up on the offer if it does go that way.

Flying By

Today is one of those days where I am just glad it's over with. Time ticked by so damn slowly. And of course now that the work day is over time is flying by. It's already after 8pm for crying out loud.

But it doesn't help that it was kind of hectic after I got home. Master and I chilled for a little bit and then ate dinner. Shortly after we were done eating Master offered to work on my back. Well, I'm not stupid. I accepted. He gave me a very, very long back rub which felt amazing. Towards the tail end of said back rub my mom called. What the hell? She hardly ever calls when I'm home after work.

It turns out that she wanted to use me for tech support. I told her what to do and it seemed to be fine, so she let me go. Master finished up working on my back and we relaxed for a little while longer. The thought popped into my head to call my dad though to see if he got his car parts in yet.

So I gave him a ring and was talking to him for a little while. During the phone call, call waiting beeped. It was my mom again.

Well, I didn't want to cut the phone call with my dad short, so I let it go to voice mail. After I was off the phone with dad I tried calling my mom back. It went to voice mail. I knew that wasn't the end of it. And sure as hell when I got to clear her voice mail off our house phone she calls back.

More computer questions. I don't mind helping her. I really don't. But some of the stuff seems self explanatory and I think she is just calling me to confirm what she already knows. That part is a bit annoying.

And now... well now I am jello. The full effect of the back rub finally hit me. I am so spaced out and I feel like my muscles are jello. I love that feeling.

Eh

I'm kind of cranky tonight. Or maybe not cranky. Maybe cranky isn't the word I'm looking for. Slightly stand offish? I don't know. I know I'm not acting like my usual self. I think it's part of that whole shutting myself off for a little while thing. Although how the work day went didn't really help. Stress on top of stress on top of stress. The ride home fucking sucked too.

Asshole drivers. I didn't get into an accident or anything it just seemed like either I was being cut off or I was stuck behind someone going under the speed limit. Nothing dangerous. Just highly frustrating.

Add to the fact that when I walked through the door most of my body hurt. My back, neck, and shoulders. You know, the usual. But also, for some reason, my feet. I'm not sure why my feet, but they hurt.

Master was kind enough to work on my back and shoulders after dinner, so those feel a lot better now. But my feet still ache. It's not even like I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day. I wasn't. So I don't know what the fuck is going on there.

Master has been trying to get me to laugh all evening. It's worked, but not every time. There have been times He's just being ridiculously goofy just to try and get me to smile and I just kind of stare at Him. It's not because He's not funny. He is. It's just I'm tired. Not tired as in I want to go to bed, but just tired in general.

Friday afternoon can not get here fast enough.

When Did This Happen?

Do you ever have one of those moments that slap you in the face and go, "Holy shit I really am an adult!"

I mean, I know I'm an adult. I'm 30 years old for crying out loud. I take care of my responsibilities and pay rent and bills every month. You know, grown up stuff. I've been doing it since I was 17 years old.

But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about one of those moments that just kind of make your realize that you're older now. And how do you know that? Because you heard your parents talk about this shit at the dinner table when you were a kid.

Today, I had one of those moments. I was at work and our yearly insurance meeting was today. Every year we have to see how much things are going to change or stay the same. This year, it's not that great. They are offering two different options. One makes no sense for me at all.

It's a HSA (Health Savings Account) health insurance plan. Before they'll pay for anything you have to reach $2,000 out of pocket. At that point they'll pay 60%. Then, once you reach $4,000 they will cover 100%.

There is no way, without a serious illness or accident, that I would come anywhere near those out of pocket expenses.

The other option is similar to what I have now. It is a much larger premium though, which sucks. The co-pays are higher, which also sucks.  But I can't really go without health insurance. Paying the bi-weekly premiums and co-pays for my shrink and prescriptions would be more than what they are charging for the health insurance. Hell, just for my prescriptions alone it's worth it. And I would never be able to afford my visits to my shrink without the insurance.

So, I wasn't too happy walking out of that meeting. More money coming out of my pocket that I really can't afford to leave my paycheck but I don't really have a choice in the matter. And when I got home and started complaining to Master about it. That's when I had reality slap me upside the back of my head.

I remember my parents talking about this shit, and complaining about it, over the dinner table when I was still young enough to be in pig tails. (Yes, my mother made me wear pig tails when I was a little girl. Shut up.)

One Thing After Another

Today was one of those days where if it wasn't one thing it was another. Work started off shitty. Supervisor breathing down my neck about shit at fucking 8am this morning. Never mind it was already on my to-do list for the day (which he can see by the way) and isn't even behind! So it was a really shitty way to start the day. Walk in and first thing I see is an e-mail from him about that shit.

Then there were other random things at work through out the day that just made my head spin. It wasn't a full on Linda Blair moment but still.

Then on the way out to the car to go home I notice that the rear driver's side tire is low. What the fuck? I just put air in it two weeks ago. So I stop and put air in the damn thing again. I drop off the passenger in my carpool and then call my mechanic. I tell him what is going on with it and it's only a half hour until their closing time but I still asked if I could stop in. They said sure thing.

So I called Master and told Him what was going on. I get to the mechanic's shop and I am literally just getting out of my car and walking inside to give them my keys when I notice one of the mechanics walking out and heading straight to my car. So I double back and hand him the keys and he already knew what needed to be checked.

Well, it had a leaking valve stem. Fun. They replaced it for my and double checked the other three tires, which thankfully are fine.

So I got home about a half hour late. And guess what came in the mail today? Our lease renewal agreement. And guess what? The rent went up. Fucking hell. As if we weren't already overpaying for where we are, now we get to pay more! Hooray! So we'll be signing that and dropping it off on Friday.

Joy.

I watched a little TV with Master before hopping online and doing some job hunting. While I'm doing that my brother calls to bitch about our dad. Okay.. I listened to him for a good 15 minutes and then he had to go. As soon as I put the phone down my mother calls. Grand Central, how may I direct your call?

She was calling with some tips about job hunts that her and my aunt had discussed. It was nice of her and I appreciate it. I really do. But after how today went and the fact that I was literally in the middle of job hunting and had just hung up with my brother.. it was just bad timing. I wasn't a bitch or anything but I'm sure I sounded short with her.

Oh well. She knows how stressed out I am and understands. She didn't sound mad or upset. She let me go after about 10 minutes on the phone. So now I'm knocking this post out before taking my shower. I was able to toss out four job applications before all the phone calls hit though. So at least that much.

Hormones

This weekend has been a whole lot of not much. It's been one of those things where we wanting nothing but breathing room this weekend. Which we got. But we also couldn't really think of anything to do that sounded good at the time. So we've mainly sat around the apartment. In a way, I've enjoyed it because I feel like I needed it. On the other hand it's been kind of boring at certain points.

I know Master agrees because we were talking about it last night. But maybe boring is what my mind needed. I do feel better today. I don't feel so spread out and worn the fuck out. I have a feeling that it'll come back during the work week but at least I'm getting a small break from it.

Master told me last night that I've just looked absolutely worn out. He said that I haven't been smiling and laughing as usual and I'm more of just a bump on the couch. He said He understands why and that He isn't mad about it. He just wishes there was more He could do then to just try to cheer me up and help me relax.

But it's like I told Him there isn't really anything to do about it. It won't really get better until after I get a different job. I don't really see any other way of breaking this. Which is why I've been searching for jobs like crazy and refining my resume.

Last night around 1:30am I asked Master if we could go to bed and talk because the light in the living room was started to bother my eyes. So we did.

We did actually talk for a good 20 minutes before I basically couldn't help myself and reached under the sheets to start playing with His dick. Of course that kicked things off and we had amazing sex. It hurt. But it felt amazing at the same time. I'm actually surprised that I didn't start cramping afterward.

That may have part of the reason why I feel better today. Sex. Not only does sex feel great and is obviously fun to do but it does release certain hormones into your body that can help relieve stress and depression. Now, I've said it before I'm not depressed but I have been down, so those hormones would help.

And I think they have. I'm glad I've been able to unwind so much today.

Grab Their Attention

Over the weekend I plan on researching how to make my resume better and how to draft a proper cover letter. I haven't had to make a resume in four years. I have my old one saved. It's easier to keep all the time lines and details straight with it. But I think an overhaul may be in order. It's not because I haven't heard from anywhere yet. As I said before, I've only seriously started applying to jobs in the past month.

So it would be unreasonable for me to assume it's because my resume isn't professional looking enough. But something tells me that overhauling it wouldn't be a bad idea. And I don't have a draft for a cover letter yet. Plus, I'd like the two to match. But I also want a structured format to base it all off of. That way it doesn't look too.. I don't know... homemade?

I'm not about to pay a service to make a resume for me. To me, it's a waste of money. Also, I feel I am perfectly capable, with the right tools, to make a professional looking resume on my own.

So I'll be searching for different templates and tips and tricks for resumes. I'm going to take a more aggressive approach to all of this. I just want to try to give myself a little bit of an edge before they even talk to me. Something to make them take a moment to browse it rather than just shoving it off to the side because they have so many to go through. I want to grab their attention basically.

I have a template on my current resume, but I don't know if I like it. I don't think it is quite what I am looking for. I thought it was when I drafted it, but now I'm second guessing myself.

I'll still make time to relax of course, but I need to hit the job boards hard this weekend.

All Work And No Play

Today was extremely draining. Just so much going on! Ugh. So yeah, I'm back into non-entertaining zombie mode. Welcome to a boring blog post brought to you by the letters F, U, C, and K.

Honestly, today just felt like I was moving through fog. I was getting shit done but I didn't feel focused. I feel really spread out right now. I don't really know what's up with me lately. I mean, I know I'm stressed out. Duh. But I don't know why I'm reacting in a way that makes me feel so... dull. Normally when I get home I can just let it run off my back like water and I'm fine. But for on and off for the past month or two it ebbs and flows into this dull sensation of just being a bump on a log.

Like I said before, it's not depression. I think it may have something to do with the fact that the stresses aren't just at work. As you can clearly tell from this post.So I guess it just ends up feeling like I don't have an escape. Ya know?

Stress across the board which means there is no hiding from it. As a result, I'm just shutting myself off every now and then to cope with it.

Whenever I feel like this I think of The Shining. Hence the blog post title. I'm not sure why. I mean I'm not going guano or anything. I'm not about to go find an axe and do a "Here's Johnny!".

My mind works in fucked up ways. As if that's a surprise to anyone. Anyone? No? I didn't think so.

It'll all calm down eventually. It has to. Maybe not all across the board but something will give. Something always gives. I just want to go back to feeling normal. Well, normal for me anyway.

Venting & Sex

I'm glad that I did that long as hell blog post last night. It helped me focus in on what was bothering me. And obviously, it still is bothering me. I mean shit like that doesn't just up and go *poof*. Although I will say that it isn't as bothersome. Now that I know exactly what is bothering me, I'm not wasting time trying to figure that part of it out.

Well, Master made the decision to basically tell BC no. So far. There are still three weeks to go before that date is actually here. Who knows what will happen between now and then. BC may beg and plead for our help or we might have a change of heart on the subject. Who knows.

I know some people think we're horrible friends because we don't want to help him move. But ya know what? We're really not. I mean it may be a shitty thing to not help a friend move. But honestly, it's not like other people don't tell their friends no. After everything I described in my last post, I think we have at least a somewhat good reason to say no.

Like I said, we may change our minds.

Last night's post felt kind of like a purging. I just needed to get it out there even though I didn't know I needed to.

If I had tried to talk about all of that out loud it would have tripped over my tongue and lips so much that I would have gotten extremely frustrated and just given up on trying to get it all out.

This blog has it's uses. They just don't seem to be all that frequent for me right now. I'm so settled in my dynamic position that there is no real need to explore it anymore. I would use it whenever I couldn't figure out what the fuck was going on or why I felt this way or that way about my submission.

So, unless it's venting I'm just not really sure what to blog about anymore. Well venting and writing about amazing fucking sex.

I have an original thought somewhere in this head of mine. I'm pretty sure of that anyway. I guess I just feel that I've covered everything twice, maybe three times, over in the six years I've been blogging. Yeah. I'm back to that line of thought right now.

Flood Warning

Have you ever had one of those days where something seems wrong but you don't know what? By wrong, I mean with how you're feeling. I feel off. Master has commented on it. He's asked me what is wrong. I honestly have no idea. So I thought that maybe rambling on with the blog post for a while may or may not help. Sometimes writing will bring shit to light in my brain. So.. I've got my blog post going and music in my ear buds. Let's see if this helps.

Since my review last week I have felt very off at work. I feel.. nervous I guess. After four years I didn't expect this bullshit. Especially when it's obvious that they are picking every little action apart and expecting me to be 100% all of the time. I'm human mother fucker. And the small stuff I'm behind on is exactly that. Small. I am behind on that so I can keep the important shit on time. You're the ones who lost three people in the department and haven't replaced any of them. Two of them you people fired. So hello... Also? I'm the only one in my entire department who does what I do. Literally. Everyone else works on other shit. You fired the other girl who did the same kind of work I do.

Oh, and another thing that makes me slightly nervous is that since those last two people who got fired from my department I'm not the longest running analyst in that entire department if you don't include my supervisor and trainer.

Everyone else has only been there for a year and a half or less. I can't believe I didn't realize that until just now. Yeah, that makes me nervous too. Maybe they want all fresh blood so they can pay them less. They fired the last two, one quit, and now I feel like I'm being purposefully scared at work in the hopes that I'll quit. Or maybe they are just doing it so I won't make any waves about anything at all, let alone my bullshit raise.

So I've had that gut feeling that I need to get while the going is good. I've been tossing my resume around more and more. So far nothing, but it's only been a week since I've been more than just passively browsing job postings. I know something will come along. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

It also feels like I'm taking one step forward and being forcefully being knocked back five. It's one thing on top of another lately.

I didn't talk about some of it here on the blog, because I'm slightly embarrassed by it. But fuck it.. who cares.

It started with the car. She needed just under $500 tossed at her because something went wrong with the transmission. That came right after the fact that I took three extra days off work just for the fuck of it. Well, that little fiasco caused me to take another three days off.

After that it was quiet for a little while. Not long. But for a little while. Next came the part I was slightly embarrassed about. One of my teeth completely broke off. It's gone. The tooth was dead so it didn't hurt but it's a blow to the vanity I guess. It's visible. Master reassured me over and over again that it's not obvious and that I'm still beautiful. I know He means it. I know He's not blowing smoke up my ass. And I appreciate that. I really needed to hear that at the time.

Well, there is more time off for the dentist. And to add insult to injury I couldn't get it fixed. My insurance didn't cover enough of it and the cost is just fucking astronomical. So that's on the back burner right now.

Again, it went quiet for a short period of time. Then the car acted up again. I had taken in her for her oil change and they needed to do a quick fix on her because she was leaking power steering fluid all over the damn place.

A little more time off of work. But then the following Monday came around and she just wasn't right. Something was still very wrong. Yep. Sure as shit. The quick fix wasn't enough. New rack and pinnon and both outer tie rods. Not good. Very unsafe actually.

A day and a half off work right there. And almost another $500 plopped into the car.

So. Much. Fun.

So now, I'm only four months into this work anniversary year and I'm already down to five hours of personal time. All of my vacation days are gone. Three of them because I wanted to and the rest were either due to the car or due to my teeth.

Same with the personal time. I'd say only about 10 of those hours were because I wanted to and the rest went to the car and my teeth. The teeth took more than one day because I was trying to find another place that would maybe be cheaper. That didn't happen. So I feel like that time off work was for nothing. I was trying to balance out the vacation days and personal time but it still didn't work out the way I had hoped.

So if I use those last five hours before finding a new job I'll go over again and that means a written warning at work which then means I'm one away from being "terminated" as they like to call it. So hopefully I won't have to use those five hours for interviews, so I land one.

It would be one thing if I had done it all just for the fuck of it. Then I could see where it's my fault. But 80% of it was out of my control. Not that it matters. The result is the same.

All of this and Master and I still have the goal of moving the hell out of here sooner rather than later. It seems to be getting worse here each time they move a new person in. And lately that has been pretty frequent because people keep moving out.

But each time something happens that goal seems farther and farther away. And it's really starting to piss me off.

It pissed me off more when I realized that we are signing a new one year lease with our current landlord this month. We should be getting the renewal agreement in the mail within the next week. We could do a bi-monthly lease but that's an additional $60 a month for rent. Fuck that noise.

Then, last night, Master received an e-mail from BC. You know, the married guy who lives with his parents? Yeah. That one.

Well guess fucking what. They are moving. They want us to help them at the end of this month. Never mind we helped them last time they moved out of his parents house. We did 90% of it because everyone else just wanted to stand there and talk.

Literally less than six months later they moved back in with his parents. Now they are trying it again... a couple of years later.

He's our friend. So I understand why he reached out to us to help him move. But the way the last move went, it ended up leaving a sour taste in my mouth for helping them move anything. Not to mention the fact that I still can't stand his fucking wife.

It also feels like salt being rubbed in the wound of our own end goal of moving. They could do it because they weren't paying rent for two years and could do with their money what they want. 

I know I'm being bitter. And I don't really give a fuck right now. I also know that it's not BC's fault and he doesn't know why I would feel that way. I probably shouldn't feel that way, but I do. Maybe if I could live rent free for a couple of years I would be in a better situation. But I left my parent's house at 17 and have been paying rent and bills since then. So ya know, a 36 year old who only lived outside of his parent's house for a whopping four years all told.. yeah. And that's only if you total them all up. They have been small breaks here and there and before you know it he's right back at home.

Ugh.

So, to make it short but sweet I would say my problem is stress and my mind spinning trying to figure out how to skip that whole being knocked back five paces every time I take one step forward. It's just a lot of juggling in my head.

Need a new job. Need to make sure we keep on top of shit. Pray that the car behaves now. Keep the end goal of moving to Master's home town in sight and reminding myself that it is realistic and obtainable.

The amazing thing is that I don't feel depressed. Yay for bipolar medication. I do feel myself shutting off mentally every so often. It's getting more frequent, but I can still flip the switch back on without any effort. The shut off thing is a defense mechanism so that I don't stress myself out to the point of going down the rabbit hole and having to fight tooth and claw to get myself back out.

My mind is not a fun place to be right now. Like I said, I'm not depressed. I'm not in a rage state of mind. It's just.. dark in there I guess.

Cry me a river, right? Yeah. I know. I keep telling myself that it could all be so much worse. The funny thing is that I didn't even realize all of this until I started typing. Blogging can be therapeutic from time to time. It can also, obviously, help me sort shit out that I didn't even know I was thinking.

That's so fucked up. How are you thinking about something, or multiple somethings, and not even realize what it all is. You just feel that spinning sensation and feel run down. Next thing you know you put pen to paper or fingers to a keyboard and it all floods out.

Family

As I had posted this past Friday, typically I do not like doing things on Sundays simply because it's the day before I have to go to work. But when it's family I'm much more willing to go and/or give in. I try my best to make it for Fridays and Saturdays but it doesn't always work that way. There have been times where either my dad, my mother, or my brother only had Sunday available and I've gone ahead and the visit was always fun.

Today we went down to see His brother. Originally, on Friday, I was a little disappointed about it simply because it was on a Sunday. But I didn't really bitch or anything like that. I really have a good time with His dad's side of the family.

And today was no different. It ended up being the two of us, His brother, his brother's wife, their three kids, His sister and a friend of His brother. It was a cook out and hanging out basically. The men went off and did man stuff and the girls stayed inside and dealt with the kids. That is kind of new to me honestly.

At His mother's if it came time for guys to go off and do guy stuff, I'd follow Master like a lost puppy. I didn't want to be alone with His mother. I never do.

But when it comes to His sister and His brother's wife I am completely comfortable.

It didn't stay that way the entire time. The men went off to cook the food on the grill. Then we were all eating in the living room and talking. And at some point His brother mentioned that he needed to get some branches off of a tree in his front yard so the men went off to do that while I stayed inside with the girls.

It never felt uncomfortable. It was actually a really good time. I truly feel perfectly comfortable around all of them. They are my family. They are my in-laws but I don't treat them any differently then I do my own family. Or at least I don't think I do. I don't feel like I do.

Unlike His mother where I say in-law like it's a bad thing.

We were there for a solid three and a half hours. By that point we needed to get home to take care of the dog and they needed to get their little ones settled in for the night. They are only 4 years old, 20 months old and 2 months old.

I hope we can see them again soon.

No Idea

Today has been one of those days where I really haven't had any ideas about what to do. It's a habit for me actually. When it comes to weekends Master will ask me what I want to do and I say I don't know or I don't care. It drives Him nuts. But honestly I normally can't. Or if I do think of something it's not really feasible financially. So that is honestly part of the problem. I'll think of something and go, "Oh. Nope. Never mind we can't afford that right now."

But that kind of shit happens. *shrugs* Can't be helped. As a result today has just kind of been all over the place. The late morning/early afternoon was just both of us lounging in the living room feeling kind of blah since we both woke up with sinus problems. His were draining and I had a sinus headache. So much fun.

But then as the afternoon went on we were trying to figure out what to do. And neither of us could really think of anything. Finally we just decided to get our errands out of the way. I was originally going to go do them by myself as I didn't think Master wanted to go. So I tossed on jeans and one of His t-shirts and was standing there telling Him which errands I was going to go do and He asked if I wanted Him to come with. I was a little surprised about it. Typically with errands unless it's going to a most of the afternoon thing I just quick run out to do them and He stays home.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad He went with. I like running errands with Master. It just caught me off guard I guess. It was just three quick stops, but it was nice at the same time if that makes any sense. I really do like it when Master runs errands with me. We talk in the car and kind of goof around while we do the errands. It's better than just me running in and out of stores while bitching at traffic.

Since we got back home it's gone back to the "What do you want to do?" ... "I don't know what do You want to do?"

We did watch a movie though. Master thought it was good, but I'm still not sure whether or not I liked it. Master told me to start my nightly stuff now just to get it out of the way and once the animals are done being taken care of in about a hour we can just chill.

Sunday Hang Up

Today ended up being a little rushed. After work, I called my dad. A couple of days ago he had said he wanted to come up to visit us but wasn't sure if it would be Friday (today) or Sunday. No big deal.

But Master's brother e-mailed Him this afternoon before I got home from work asking if we would like to come down on Sunday. I had already been hoping that my dad would come up today instead simply because normally I prefer having my Sundays to be blank. But now Master's brother wanted to get together. We haven't seen them in a while, and while it's still a Sunday... Oh well.

So I called my dad to try and nail it down and he did end up coming up today. We had a lot of fun and we really didn't do anything at all. We sat in our living room and talked the entire time. He was here for a good three hours or so. We didn't watch anything, we just all sat around and talked. I think it's cool that we can all hang out and not be bored or have awkward silences. We were laughing a lot and just having a good time.

He left around 6pm or so and after that Master and I watched a movie.

By the way, I'm not saying I don't want to go see His brother. I really like His brother and his wife and kids. It's just that whole Sunday hang up I have. I'm glad we're going.

Like I said, I just have a hang up about Sundays. It doesn't matter who the plans or with or why... I just get that ugh feeling at first. But once Sunday hits I'm fine about it. It's weird.

Frustrated

Master suggested that I vent about my job during my blog post. I already vented to Him when I got home. I don't really know how much more venting I want to do, but I'll give it a shot. I had my review today. It was over four months late.

My job is like most others. You don't get any feedback what so ever until your work anniversary comes around and your review happens. It's just how it is, unfortunately. Well, this was for my four year anniversary with the company. And I could not believe how disrespectfully I was treated. It literally sickened me.

The company isn't doing all that hot right now. And as a result, they are picking at anything they can possibly think of. They were bringing up shit that just flabbergasted me. I am a damn good worker. I always give my best.

One of the things I didn't understand was that my supervisor was praising me and then in the same breath started criticizing me about small shit that he tried to make sound all big, bad, and important.

Then, he left the room and I was left with the HR rep. Oh joy. She's a cunt. I ended up getting a long speech about how the company isn't doing too well this year and that we "all need to step up more". Excuse me bitch? I have been busting my ass for this company since day one. And I have stepped up even more since we started letting people go.. Which I didn't even think was possible.

I won't go into all of the details but my raise was significantly less than I was expecting. Yes, I know a lot of people aren't even getting raises.

And honestly, that wasn't the part that severely pissed me off. It was the snarky tone in the HR rep's voice when she was talking to me. Add to that the fact that they have been using scare tactics on all of the employees for the past six to eight months.

It was right before my lunch break so I went out to my car and cried a little bit. Not our of sadness, but out of pure frustration.

I talked with Master and we agreed that I need to get out of there sooner rather than later. I am starting to have that feeling I had right before I jumped ship with my last job. It's a highly uncomfortable feeling. But with any luck, I'll find a new job soon.

I had already been applying here and there, but it was nothing serious. Well, now I'm buckling down. I applied to six jobs tonight. I'll be doing more hunting tomorrow.